1. Kidney function, liver function,
testosterone... I don't know how
you did it,
Copy !req
2. But you have essentially aged 40
years in the last seven weeks.
Copy !req
3. Wow. Really?
Copy !req
4. We had a meth addict
in here this morning
Copy !req
5. Who was biologically younger
than you are, and he's 58.
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6. Myspace guy.
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7. So what is going on?
Copy !req
8. Uh... It's this cloud service
configuration,
Copy !req
9. - I've been stuck
on it for over a week.
- Wow.
Copy !req
10. I'm a good programmer.
I mean, it's the only thing
I am good at.
Copy !req
11. I mean, last year, I threw a
frisbee and it chipped my tooth.
Copy !req
12. That's more of a dental issue.
Copy !req
13. Yup, ok, I...
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14. The point is, I learned
ruby on rails over a weekend
when I was 17.
Copy !req
15. I should be able
to learn cloud, I have to.
Copy !req
16. Can I give you my professional
opinion, as your doctor?
Copy !req
17. You should have taken
that ten million dollars
from gavin belson, ok?
Copy !req
18. But regrets will kill ya
so try not to dwell on it.
Copy !req
19. I tried to tell you.
Copy !req
20. Outside help? No, we're not
getting any outside help.
Copy !req
21. It's a week until
techcrunch, richard.
We can't wait any longer.
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22. Richard, look at the board.
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23. Ok, cloud architecture is just
a giant turd that is clogging up
our pipes.
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24. We have to call in
a plumber to fix it.
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25. Ok, I hate that metaphor,
but erlich is right.
Copy !req
26. Gilfoyle and I finished
the distribution services
days ago
Copy !req
27. And we're just sitting around
waiting for you.
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28. - I can solve it.
- Richard, you're
a fucking rock star, ok?
Copy !req
29. You just don't know cloud,
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30. This tiny, little,
shitty area,
Copy !req
31. Which is becoming
super important,
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32. And in many ways
is the future of computing.
Copy !req
33. That sort of went south on me,
but you understand
what I'm saying.
Copy !req
34. I've already talked
to peter gregory about
insourcing a consultant.
Copy !req
35. I've made contact
with a programmer
whose cloud architecture
Copy !req
36. Is supposed to be insane.
They call him the carver.
Copy !req
37. The carver? That black hat guy
who apparently hacked
into the bank of america
Copy !req
38. And took down their entire
system, that the carver?
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39. We should get him if we can.
Copy !req
40. Ok, we can talk to the guy,
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41. But, I mean, he's really
gonna have to sell me.
Copy !req
42. six months ago,
these guys had 35 million
and series b financing.
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43. Now the carver's here
doing teardown.
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44. He's basically moving
their carcass to the cloud.
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45. don't touch anything.
Failure is contagious.
Copy !req
46. I think that's him.
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47. Excuse me, mr. Carver?
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48. yeah, uh, people
refer to me as the carver,
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49. But no one actually calls me
that, it's what people call
a screen name.
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50. You know. I'm kevin.
Copy !req
51. Ok, kevin, um, we're from
pied piper, we spoke earlier.
Copy !req
52. - Yeah, so you guys
are fucked, huh?
- No. No, we're not fucked.
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53. Yes, we are totally fucked.
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54. We have a live demo in one week
and our cloud is in the shitter.
Copy !req
55. - That's accurate.
- Wait, are you richard?
Copy !req
56. Yes, I am.
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57. Yeah, your algorithm is solid.
It's a really good schema.
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58. Ok, thanks.
Copy !req
59. I did think you'd be younger.
What are you, 25?
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60. Twenty-six.
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61. Yikes.
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62. Uh, so I have a model u.N.
Thing on Monday,
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63. But maybe I could burn through
your gig over the weekend.
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64. Mmm. You think you can do
our whole job in two days?
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65. I know I can do it
in two days.
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66. I pound mello yello, oreos
and adderall and I don't
sleep until I'm done.
Copy !req
67. - Ok.
Copy !req
68. But you know what? I also have
an offer to do some migration
at gittawonk this weekend.
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69. It's... It's kind of chill,
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70. And frankly,
their tech's a little stronger.
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71. Whoa. What? What?
Copy !req
72. You think gittawonk's tech
is stronger than ours?
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73. I'm sorry, I don't remember
reading in pandodaily
Copy !req
74. That gavin belson
and peter gregory were
fighting over gittawonk.
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75. No one offered ten million
dollars to acquire gittawonk.
Copy !req
76. Yeah, I agree with richard,
you should come work for us.
Copy !req
77. - What... No...
- What's it gonna take,
a blow-job?
Copy !req
78. Because richard will
suck the dick right off
of your pelvis.
Copy !req
79. Now you make me laugh,
shaggy man.
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80. All right, I'm in.
Copy !req
81. I'll see you guys Friday.
Copy !req
82. - ok.
Copy !req
83. - well done.
- yeah.
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84. Excuse me. Hi, um,
would you guys be interested
Copy !req
85. In buying some candy so you can
send my church group to camp?
Copy !req
86. Nope.
Copy !req
87. erlich, come on.
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88. hundred bucks
says there's no church.
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89. Whole thing's a scam,
little scumbags.
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90. They're just children.
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91. Looks like gilfoyle
and his lady satanist
are back from the airport.
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92. Can you imagine what kind of
shit-show this one's gonna be?
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93. He says that she has
an amy winehouse vibe.
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94. What does that mean? All
tatted-up and nowhere to go.
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95. - Hooked on oxycontin?
- Decomposing?
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96. Oh. Oh, ok, that was dark.
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97. Gentlemen, this is tara.
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98. - Hi.
- Tara, this is the fellas:
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99. Jared, dinesh,
erlich and richard.
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100. - It's erlich.
- It's great
to finally meet you guys.
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101. Hi.
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102. - all right.
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103. Jesus, where did he get
amy winehouse from?
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104. I mean, I'd have sex with that
if you hose the gilfoyle
off of her.
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105. It's weird having a girl
in the house. There's
a very strange energy.
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106. Hm.
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107. Hello... Kevin.
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108. ok, richard, I just
need you to approve kevin's fee.
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109. I got erlich to sign
and you sign right there.
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110. Twenty thousand dollars
for two days.
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111. You know who else thought my
price was too high? Bitraptor.
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112. Who?
Copy !req
113. Exactly.
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114. Great. Peter gregory
is on his way out of town
so I'm gonna hustle out there
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115. And get him to co-sign these
and the check and I'll be back
as soon as I can.
Copy !req
116. Thank you.
Copy !req
117. You ok over there?
You have any questions...?
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118. Yeah, one question.
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119. Cool. Shoot.
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120. Why do you keep your lips
pressed so tight together
when you're not talking?
Copy !req
121. 'cause they're like white.
Copy !req
122. It looks uncomfortable.
Copy !req
123. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
124. Hey, kevin, um,
Copy !req
125. So how did you bypass bank
of america's network security?
Copy !req
126. I want details.
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127. My lawyers told me
I'm not allowed to discuss it.
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128. Totally get it.
That's baller.
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129. - hey, babe?
- Hmm.
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130. You're up.
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131. - all right,
I'm gonna go have a shower.
- mm-hm.
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132. - Uh, what was that?
- What?
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133. Tara just whispered something
to you and then she looked
at me in a weird way.
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134. No, she didn't.
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135. Yeah, she did.
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136. What's up?
Copy !req
137. Do you know
what compersion is?
Copy !req
138. It's when someone takes pleasure
in seeing their loved one
gratified
Copy !req
139. By another person.
Copy !req
140. Sexually.
It's the opposite of jealousy.
Copy !req
141. It sounds like it's the opposite
of normal. Why are you telling
me about this thing?
Copy !req
142. as shocking as this is...
Copy !req
143. Tara is
attracted to you.
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144. Come again?
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145. Yeah, freaked me out too,
at first.
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146. I don't like
the "at first" part at all.
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147. What are you saying?
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148. Since I abide by the maxim,
Copy !req
149. "do what thou wilt,
that is the whole of the law"...
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150. If you want to fuck
my girlfriend, I'm ok with it.
Copy !req
151. Jesus christ, man, I could
barely stand next to you
when you're in your towel.
Copy !req
152. I don't want to have
a threesome with you.
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153. I'm not talking
about a threesome.
Copy !req
154. Listen, I don't even have
to be in the room,
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155. Unless that's better for you.
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156. Ok, no, I don't...
Copy !req
157. Right, so we're
all settled then.
Copy !req
158. - Yep.
- Do you need
parking validation?
Copy !req
159. No, I used lyft.
Copy !req
160. So I'll lyft it back.
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161. Why don't I have peter's car
take you home.
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162. He's not using it,
we're shipping off
to arallon tomorrow.
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163. - Arallon?
- Yeah, the island
peter's building.
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164. What's the... The red line?
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165. That's the
international date line.
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166. The island's built right on it
Copy !req
167. So the western half
can celebrate the first
new years on earth,
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168. Then the next day, they walk
over to the eastern half
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169. And celebrate the last
new years on earth.
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170. But if you can walk, why does
he need the car on the island?
Copy !req
171. Peter's not really
big on walking.
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172. So I'll just have the guys
pull it up front for you.
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173. Great.
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174. Driverless car.
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175. select destination.
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176. Hi. Um...
I'm going to 5230
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177. - Newell road, palo alto...
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178. route guidance calibrated.
Distance to destination:
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179. Four point six miles.
Buckle up, please.
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180. - ok.
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181. enjoy your ride.
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182. You?
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183. Tara wants to have sex
with you? You sure?
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184. Yeah, gilfoyle just told me,
to my face.
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185. He told you that tara wants
to copulate with someone else
in the house
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186. Other than him and that someone
is you, dinesh?
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187. Yeah, that's...
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188. You know, you seem confused
by this but for a different
reason than I am.
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189. Don't you think it's weird
that tara wants some strange
Copy !req
190. And she chooses you over me,
Copy !req
191. The logical person
in the house?
Copy !req
192. Ok, I see where we are
ending up on this.
Thank you for your time.
Copy !req
193. Wait, are you sure that she
didn't ask gilfoyle
Copy !req
194. For a danish
and maybe you misheard her?
Copy !req
195. You're probably right, she just
wanted to fuck a danish.
Copy !req
196. Wait, you just built
all the indexes on the fly?
Copy !req
197. Yeah, of course.
Copy !req
198. Ok, well...
Well, then what's that?
Copy !req
199. The key value store.
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200. Tuples.
Copy !req
201. Speak english.
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202. You're kind of doing that
lip thing again there, buddy.
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203. No, I'm not.
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204. Stop looking at my lips.
Copy !req
205. destination
override. New destination.
Copy !req
206. One gregory drive. Arallon.
Copy !req
207. Distance to destination:
4,126 miles.
Copy !req
208. Enjoy your ride.
Copy !req
209. Um, what's happening?
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210. I'm sorry, what...
Mr. Car?
Copy !req
211. Hey. Tara and I are going to a
satanic baptism. You wanna come?
Copy !req
212. Stu burns decided to walk
the left-hand path with us.
Copy !req
213. The database administrator for
yahoo is becoming a satanist?
Copy !req
214. We're everywhere.
Copy !req
215. Hey, erlich, are you coming?
Dinesh is.
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216. He is?
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217. - this is monica.
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218. Hi monica, it's jared.
Uh, quick question...
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219. Jared, I can't talk right now.
Copy !req
220. One of our assistants has been
confusing the eastern,
Copy !req
221. Western time zones
of arallon on work orders.
Copy !req
222. Now a bunch of important things
are happening a day early.
Copy !req
223. Peter is going to be furious
when he finds out.
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224. - He's going
to make that noise.
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225. - Oh, shit, that's him on
the other line. I've gotta go.
- Oh, wait, monica, I just...
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226. Hi, peter.
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227. Hello, monica?
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228. Um, car? Mr. Car?
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229. Uh, excuse me.
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230. Arallon is an island,
so how are we...?
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231. Oh, no, no! No.
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232. Stop. Let me out.
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233. Mmm. Um...
Uh, that's not good.
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234. Oh, no! No!
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235. Excuse me please!
Copy !req
236. - Please honk. Please honk.
Copy !req
237. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
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238. No, no. Please. Please.
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239. Oh, no, that's not good.
Copy !req
240. Ok, donald, stay calm.
Copy !req
241. 103 hours to destination.
Entering sleep mode.
Copy !req
242. - What? No!
- Enjoy your ride.
Copy !req
243. Ok, stay calm. Stay calm.
Copy !req
244. Wait, my phone.
Copy !req
245. No bars. No bars.
No bars. No bars.
Copy !req
246. We bring thy garden,
o mighty lucifer,
Copy !req
247. The fragrances which abound
therein, vapors of...
Copy !req
248. what the fuck
are we doing here?
Copy !req
249. Look at these fucking people.
Copy !req
250. Through this, the black flame
of satan thou walkest in hell.
Copy !req
251. The gates are flung wide
Copy !req
252. And thy passage is heralded
by the deathless cries
Copy !req
253. Of his guardian beasts.
Copy !req
254. Breathe of his breath,
o brother of the night
Copy !req
255. And nourish his waning brain.
Copy !req
256. - From the despair...
- I just figured it out.
It all makes sense.
Copy !req
257. Figured what out?
Copy !req
258. Why tara might be
in to you more than me.
Copy !req
259. She's attracted to ugliness.
Copy !req
260. - oh, fuck you.
no, think about it.
Copy !req
261. This is the life that
she chooses, right? She's
attracted to unattractiveness.
Copy !req
262. Look at all these ugly people
and gilfoyle and now you.
Copy !req
263. That's ridiculous. I'm way more
attractive than you are.
Copy !req
264. - No, you're not.
- Way better looking.
Copy !req
265. By no metric could you possibly
be considered more attractive
than me.
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266. You're saying that every woman
in the entire world
Copy !req
267. Would think you're more
attractive than I am?
Copy !req
268. Yes. Unless they're
completely fucked up.
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269. Damn it.
Copy !req
270. You doing ok there?
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271. Yep, yeah.
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272. Fine, just, you know,
Copy !req
273. It's big orchestration stuff,
a lot of moving parts.
Copy !req
274. Nothing you need to worry about.
You just focus on the cloud.
Copy !req
275. I'm here if you need me.
Copy !req
276. You know what? Uh...
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277. I know it's not
what we hired you for,
Copy !req
278. But I am actually
having a little trouble
Copy !req
279. With the data replication
in the persistence layer.
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280. Move over.
Copy !req
281. - Uh-huh.
Copy !req
282. Oh, christ.
Copy !req
283. I'm much more
handsome than you are.
Copy !req
284. No, my face
is completely symmetrical.
Copy !req
285. You know what my nickname was
when I was a kid?
Copy !req
286. - What?
- Pakistani denzel.
Copy !req
287. You look nothing like him.
Copy !req
288. Denzel washington
has a beautiful smile.
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289. You look ridiculous.
Copy !req
290. Hail satan, it is done.
Copy !req
291. - hail satan.
- hail satan, it is...
Copy !req
292. It's done.
Copy !req
293. Well, thanks
for coming, everyone.
Copy !req
294. Brother jason was kind enough
to furnish this week's food.
Copy !req
295. It's chick-fil-a.
Copy !req
296. I know, they're on
the christian right,
Copy !req
297. But darned if that chicken
isn't good.
Copy !req
298. I think the dark lord
would understand.
Copy !req
299. Also...
a reminder.
Copy !req
300. If you parked
in the sav-on parking lot,
Copy !req
301. They do tow.
Copy !req
302. Well, I didn't know
if you wanted original
oreos or double stuf
Copy !req
303. So I went a little nutty
and I got both.
Copy !req
304. How's it, um...
Copy !req
305. - fuck. Fuck.
- Kevin?
Copy !req
306. Hello?
Copy !req
307. fuck.
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308. What are you doing
down here?
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309. I did it again,
I did it again.
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310. - Did what?
- I did it again.
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311. no.
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312. What is this?
Copy !req
313. Did you overwrite
the data schema?
Copy !req
314. Why would you do this?
You don't ever do this!
Copy !req
315. That's exactly what they said
when I was working at bofa.
Copy !req
316. Working at bofa?
I thought you hacked in.
Copy !req
317. no.
Copy !req
318. I was a consultant
at the retail banking services.
Copy !req
319. I crashed their entire system.
Copy !req
320. It took a team of seven
engineers more than a week
Copy !req
321. To comb through all the code
and find my mistake.
Copy !req
322. And the only way that
I ever avoided being sued
Copy !req
323. Was by agreeing to never tell
anyone that I worked there.
Copy !req
324. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
325. Oh, fuck, what?
Copy !req
326. I just told you.
Now I could get in trouble.
Copy !req
327. Trouble?
Copy !req
328. You just skull-fucked
my whole system.
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329. I am going
to punch you in the fucking...
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330. We don't like sacrifice
goats or anything.
Copy !req
331. We're not like the order
of the golden dawners, you know.
Copy !req
332. - yeah.
Copy !req
333. Richard, are you ok?
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334. Um... Mmm...
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335. Dinesh, uh, we may have
a slight problem.
Copy !req
336. The carver just carved up
our entire platform.
Copy !req
337. What the fuck?
Copy !req
338. Yeah, the database layers,
the application layers,
Copy !req
339. Even the chef scripts
are fucked.
Copy !req
340. The little fucker must have
hacked into the ddl tables
like he did with bofa.
Copy !req
341. He didn't hack into bofa's.
He was consulting there
at the time,
Copy !req
342. When he took down
the system by accident.
Copy !req
343. - oh, you told them too?
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
344. Richard, why would you let that
little fetus access the ddl?
Copy !req
345. Because I thought
that fetus was better than me
Copy !req
346. And so did you and everybody
Copy !req
347. And you just, you pressured me
into hiring him...
Copy !req
348. Yes, richard, for the cloud,
to deploy the cloud.
Copy !req
349. So that you could do
what you do best
Copy !req
350. And concentrate on everything
else which the fetus
just fucked up.
Copy !req
351. You need to drag this little
shit stain...
Copy !req
352. - You hear that?
Copy !req
353. Out from under this table
and have him go through
Copy !req
354. Every single line
of code with you
Copy !req
355. To unfuck it
while it's still unfuckable.
Copy !req
356. I should not have eaten all
of that satanist chicken.
Copy !req
357. Ok, and with this one here,
did you delete it
Copy !req
358. Or just move it?
Copy !req
359. Hello? Kevin.
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360. Maybe. I don't know.
Copy !req
361. What? What does that mean?
What's wrong with you, man?
Copy !req
362. I can't focus.
I'm out of adderall.
Copy !req
363. Where's that jared guy?
He was getting my refill.
Copy !req
364. That's actually
a really good question.
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365. I don't know where he is.
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366. The carver's adderall
prescription.
Copy !req
367. I hope that's not a problem.
Copy !req
368. Dead battery.
That's a problem.
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369. I need to lay down.
Copy !req
370. What? No!
Copy !req
371. You said you could code
for 48 hours straight.
That's like your thing.
Copy !req
372. Yeah, how the fuck do you
think I do that? Adderall.
Copy !req
373. Well, we don't have any.
Copy !req
374. It's really bright in here.
Copy !req
375. Who takes adderall anymore.
Copy !req
376. half the kids
in palo alto.
Copy !req
377. Hey.
Copy !req
378. Any of you guys
currently on adderall
Copy !req
379. And, uh, you know,
want to make 50 dollars?
Copy !req
380. oh, boy.
Copy !req
381. What do you mean, it's not
adderall? It's adderall!
Copy !req
382. I know what adderall looks like.
It's not adderall.
Copy !req
383. Uh, excuse me. Caleb?
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384. There's been
some kind of mistake.
Copy !req
385. What you sold me was
not actually adderall.
Copy !req
386. So maybe we could...
Do you think you could
get me some real adderall?
Copy !req
387. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Um...
Copy !req
388. I could do that or, um,
Copy !req
389. I can give
you some of this.
Copy !req
390. Ow!
Copy !req
391. Ok, I'm gonna...
Copy !req
392. You're gonna do what, bitch?
Call the cops on me?
Copy !req
393. Tell them you got the wrong
illegal drugs from a kid?
Copy !req
394. You dumb piece of shit.
Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
395. - Uh, you...
- Run!
Copy !req
396. - All right, I'm running.
- Mm-hm. Keep running!
Copy !req
397. Stupid...
Copy !req
398. Richard, what's wrong?
Copy !req
399. Have you been crying?
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400. Hey! Which one was it?
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401. It was church candy, wasn't it?
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402. You just brought piss to
a shit fight, you little cunt!
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403. - Ow!
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404. no, no, no!
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405. Now you get in your
fucking house and you
get me five adderall
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406. Or I'll slit your fucking
throat! You understand?
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407. I'll kill your mother!
I'll rape your father!
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408. I'll curb-stomp
that little face so hard
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409. That your teeth will go
flying, you little shit!
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410. Now go! Go! Go! Go!
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411. - Get me five adderall,
right now!
- Ok! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
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412. - Hi.
- Tara.
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413. - Hello.
- Hi.
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414. First of all...
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415. So, um...
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416. I have thought
about it. A lot.
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417. To be honest, elements
of this arrangement
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418. Still trouble me.
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419. However, I have not had
a lot of sexual experiences.
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420. So I feel it may be foolish
to turn this down.
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421. So as long as gilfoyle
is not in the room
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422. And I can verify
that the door is locked...
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423. Then I have concluded that...
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424. Yes...
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425. I would love to have
sexual relations with you...
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426. Tara.
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427. Yeah.
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428. Uh, what are you
talking about?
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429. Gilfoyle told me.
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430. I know you want
to have sex with me.
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431. Gilfoyle?
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432. Would you come in here
for a second?
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433. Um...
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434. - Hm?
- Um ...
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435. Did you tell dinesh that
I want to have sex with him?
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436. No.
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437. Oh, wait, yeah, I totally did.
I forgot about that.
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438. I was really high.
I was just fucking with him.
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439. Did he believe me?
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440. Uh...
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441. Did you just present
yourself to my woman?
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442. Uh...
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443. Oh, this is outstanding.
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444. Oh, my god,
that is so mean of you!
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445. Look at how cute he is.
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446. He's adorable. You're adorable.
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447. Don't call me ador...
It's very emasculating.
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448. What kind of fucking idiot
listens to what gilfoyle
has to say?
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449. Ok, tara, here's what it is.
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450. If you can tell me to my face
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451. That you seriously find dinesh
more attractive than me,
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452. Then and only then
will I concede defeat.
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453. What?
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454. And our regression
test is... Done.
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455. Yes. It's clear,
we all test out.
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456. The system's stable again.
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457. Thank god. Now we can move on
to the next module and I can
forget you ever existed.
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458. Can you do me a favor?
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459. Don't tell anyone
I cratered this bad.
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460. I won't tell anyone I hired you
if you won't tell anyone
you worked here.
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461. Oh, the bofa deal.
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462. Got it.
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463. Well, I'm gonna call my mom
and have her pick me up.
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464. Your mom?
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465. Oh, by the way, you owe me
20 thousand dollars.
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466. What a dick.
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467. You have to talk
to jared about that.
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468. Where is jared?
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469. Excuse me. Can you help me?
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470. obstacle averted.
Resuming operations.
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471. Please be careful.
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472. Please be careful.
Please be careful.
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