Silicon Valley 1x2

1. - holy shit.

2. - Uh... - What the fuck is that?

3. Uh, that is jared dunn.

4. He works for gavin belson.

5. Hey. Sorry if I scared you.

6. I know I have somewhat ghost-like features.

7. My uncle used to say, "you look like someone starved a virgin to death."

8. It's... Yeah. I can see it.

9. I heard you were having a launch party.

10. - Yeah. - Am I early?

11. No.

12. Well then, a gift of congratulations.

13. Now, if gavin sent you here,

14. You should know that I've turned him down.

15. I'm going with peter gregory.

16. I'm actually picking up my check tomorrow.

17. So I've made my decision.

18. That's not why I'm here. It's just...

19. Watching you say no to ten million dollars to build your own thing,

20. There's just something very exciting about that.

21. Whoa. Whoa, whoa! What is he doing here?

22. Hey, this is a private party, buddy. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

23. - Oh, I didn't mean to... - You know, in the state of california

24. You can kill a man for entering your house without permission.

25. Ok. I understand. Uh, thank you.

26. Richard, I just wanna say, I really respect what you're doing here.

27. And if you could ever use someone with my business development skill set,

28. I would love to be a part of this.

29. The fuck you will be.

30. We'll call you when we want pleated khakis.

31. You know this is a fucking domestic?

32. Why... Why were you so mean to him?

33. He wasn't spying on us. He just said he likes us.

34. - He wants to join the company. - Of course he does, richard.

35. Let me explain something to you.

36. Your whole life you've been an ugly chick

37. But now suddenly you're a hot chick,

38. With big tits and small nipples.

39. So guys like that are gonna keep coming around.

40. Don't be a slut, richard.

41. - I don't...

42. Now speaking of such things,

43. Dinesh, change the lighting to something erotic

44. Because it's about to get pretty fucking erotic in here.

45. License to kill-9. Ib action-dot-erotica.

46. Wha... What... What's going on?

47. - What's happening? - Gentlemen, I present to you...

48. Mochacino.

49. Not this guy.

50. Mochacino.

51. She's my gift to you.

52. You wanna smoke weed?

53. Hey.

54. Can somebody play something with a beat, please?

55. I'll go make a playlist.

56. Yeah. I actually have some... Some water, uh, cooking, I think.

57. Yeah, I don't pay for it. So...

58. Barking up the wrong tree here.

59. God, I hate palo alto.

60. Hello again.

61. You know, I don't actually have a ton of dance music

62. But I turned the bass way up.

63. Baby...

64. You're getting a private show.

65. hey.

66. What the fuck?

67. Ok. There's the butt time.

68. Hey, should we have left him in there by himself?

69. I mean, should we go back in there?

70. No interest. I entice the flesh, I don't pay for it.

71. Plus, tara's coming into town in a couple weeks.

72. I'm saving up all my humors for her.

73. You know what I mean?

74. - What's your excuse? - I didn't even shake

75. A woman's hand until I was 17-years-old.

76. The idea of getting an erection around men I live and work with,

77. It's just not something I can handle.

78. The idea that I have a boner and you have a boner

79. And he has a boner and we're all sitting there

80. With boners in our pants...

81. I wonder if he's ok in there.

82. So what do you guys do here?

83. Oh, we're mostly working on a lossless compression algorithm.

84. - A what? - It makes files smaller.

85. Doesn't matter. Uh, it's called pied piper.

86. It's gonna be famous. You'll know it, eventually.

87. Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?

88. The postman lady.

89. - What? - A woman that was a man?

90. Not a post-man lady.

91. - A lady who was a post... - Let me ask you another question.

92. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

93. I didn't even know you were coming.

94. - stop. doug! - Oh, boy.

95. - Stop. - I don't think I'm the one...

96. Someone is paying me. Ok. I didn't come

97. Just to dance on your boner all night for free.

98. I was not erect. I... That was... I was only being polite.

99. So you were being polite when you said that you loved me?

100. First off, I said you seemed like someone I could fall in love with.

101. And, yes, also politeness.

102. Richie, pay the lady.

103. What? Why... Why should I pay her?

104. I didn't hire her. I didn't even get a lap dance.

105. This is a company party and you're the ceo.

106. - So pony up. - No. If anyone should pay her it should be you.

107. Doug, help the ceo find his money.

108. No. No, no. We don't... I don't need help.

109. I know where it is. It's here.

110. - mm-hmm. - It's all here.

111. Do you... I don't know... Do you accept amex?

112. - You damn right I do. - Put a hundred on there for yourself, mocha.

113. - Well, that's an expensive boner. - Not a boner.

114. - thanks for coming in, guys.

115. We have a lot to do, so,

116. Let's get started.

117. Sounds great.

118. Me? Ok.

119. Uhh...

120. Well, we're just really excited to get going, mr. Gregory.

121. Yes. Who's "we"?

122. Myself, him, uh,

123. - The guys back at the house. - Guys?

124. What guys?

125. Who is this?

126. Erlich bachman. I'm an entrepreneur,

127. Much like yourself. Uh...

128. Richard actually developed pied piper

129. While residing in my incubator,

130. So as per our agreement, I own ten percent of the company.

131. I'm paying you $200,000 for five percent

132. Yet you're giving this man...

133. Twice that in exchange for... A futon?

134. And some sandwiches?

135. Actually, sir, my tenants provide their own food...

136. What other percentages have you apportioned?

137. can I see your cap table, investment deck,

138. Business plan or any other relevant paperwork

139. You may have prepared?

140. I... I just was under the impression that, uh...

141. We would just be coming by and saying "hi", you know,

142. Uh, to pick up the check.

143. And, uh, I just didn't know that any of that stuff was due yet.

144. "due"?

145. This is not college, richard.

146. I am not going to be giving you a course syllabus.

147. You turned down ten million dollars

148. To keep pied piper.

149. What did you give up that money for? What is this company?

150. What did I buy?

151. - You bought the algorithm, which... - No.

152. The algorithm is the product of the company.

153. I know that.

154. What I'm asking about is the company itself.

155. Who is it? What do they do?

156. Are they essential?

157. Or do you just throw a percentage at them like you did with this...

158. This all must be worked out.

159. Now.

160. When you said you'd guide us

161. Through some of the stuff I thought that this was

162. The stuff you'd be guiding us through.

163. I cannot guide you until you give me...

164. Something to guide.

165. This is going very poorly.

166. - I know that. - He doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

167. Did you just take a sip from an empty cup?

168. Yes.

169. Why did you do that?

170. - Just something to do. - Come back in 48 hours

171. With an airtight business plan,

172. A clear go-to-market strategy

173. And three year summary p&l or there will be no check.

174. That's it.

175. well, thanks for coming in, guys.

176. Um... Are there any water fountains in your offices?

177. I assume.

178. I own ten percent of an app that locates all nearby water fountains.

179. I'd be happy to discuss it with you.

180. Good day, gentlemen.

181. You smoke weed?

182. You really embarrassed me in there.

183. You didn't say shit about any business plan before today.

184. And neither did he. And he was kind of being an asshole back there.

185. Yeah, that's why he's a billionaire. 'cause he knows how and when to be an asshole.

186. That's what you need to be like.

187. - You do, richard. - Whatever.

188. If you continue to mismanage this company giving ten percent to whoever...

189. Obviously, you know, we can't go back on my shares.

190. That ship has sailed but from here on out.

191. Now you're being an asshole.

192. You say that like it's a bad thing.

193. Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of

194. Asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes, like jared.

195. I mean, you almost gave him shares.

196. You need to completely change who you are, richard.

197. A complete teutonic shift has to happen.

198. Tectonic.

199. - What? - A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around.

200. "teutonic", which is what you just said,

201. Is an ancient germanic tribe that fought the romans.

202. They were originally from scandinavia...

203. Stop it! Stop it.

204. You're being a complete tool right now.

205. I need you to be a complete asshole.

206. Do you understand the difference?

207. If you're not an asshole, this company dies.

208. Erlich, I have 48 hours.

209. Are you going to help me with this business plan or not?

210. I believe in you, richard. That's why I'm not.

211. "business plans that are created in support of new ventures

212. Are to implement profound changes in existing venture."

213. Uh...

214. Hi, this is richard hendricks.

215. Is now a good time?

216. Uh, I need some help.

217. Who's chevy volt is that out front?

218. Uh, jared dunn's.

219. What? Why? Why is he here?

220. Well, because as you know, I need some advice on the business plan.

221. - You're cutting him in? - Um...

222. Good morning. Whoops, that was weird.

223. I don't know why I did that.

224. You kind of have a... Like a king-ish feeling to you.

225. You're like a... Like a norse hero from valhalla.

226. Don't pander to me.

227. Peter gregory said specifically to trim the fat.

228. They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame.

229. So, um, I ironed out our customer acquisition strategy,

230. And I wrapped our financials, I did a dcf valuation.

231. Most vc's can't even do that math, but something tells me peter is different.

232. I think we can jump into the one-on-ones with each team member

233. - To see if I can defend our cap table. - Ok.

234. Um, but first, if you don't mind, I'd like to use the restroom.

235. Yeah. You don't have to ask permission to do that.

236. Why, have you not gone since you've been here?

237. I have not.

238. Well... Well, go. I mean, go.

239. Denpok, I know you were in aspen, thank you for coming. Please, have a seat.

240. I'm not sitting this summer.

241. Of course. Incredible.

242. What's weighing on you, gavin?

243. Jared dunn quit today to join pied piper.

244. I hate richard hendricks, that little pied piper prick.

245. Is... Is that wrong?

246. In the hands of a lesser person, perhaps.

247. But in the hands of the enlightened, hate can be a tool for great change.

248. You're right once again.

249. Audious, play john lennon's "imagine."

250. cueing, john wayne in a mansion. Not found.

251. - Fuck! Fuck! - invalid command.

252. Use the anger, chela. Use it.

253. Uh, thanks for sitting down like this, gilfoyle. We know it's kind of a little weird.

254. So, um... Can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company?

255. What do you do?

256. What do I do?

257. System architecture. Networking and security.

258. No one in this house can touch me on that.

259. Ok, that's good to know.

260. But does anyone appreciate that?

261. While you were busy minoring in gender studies

262. And singing a capella at sarah lawrence,

263. I was gaining root access to nsa servers.

264. I was one click away from starting a second iranian revolution.

265. I actually went to vassar.

266. I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for ddos attacks,

267. Emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings.

268. The internet... Heard of it?

269. Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute.

270. Do you have any idea how that happens?

271. All those youporn ones and zeroes streaming directly

272. To your shitty, little smart phone day after day?

273. Every dipshit who shits his pants if he can't get

274. The new dubstep skrillex remix in under 12 seconds?

275. It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets

276. Get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do?

277. I make sure that one bad config on one key component

278. Doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company.

279. That's what the fuck I do.

280. That's basically what I told him.

281. Listen, wherever we end up here...

282. I just wanna say that I feel

283. I should get more equity than dinesh.

284. I know gilfoyle probably came in here and puked out a bunch of tech specs,

285. Three-fourths of which are total horse-shit.

286. Did he bring up the iranian revolution thing?

287. Yeah, those words mean nothing.

288. But here's a fact: I'm the only one of these clowns that can code in java.

289. And I write sleek performant low-overhead scala code

290. With higher order functions that will run on anything.

291. Period. End of sentence. So basically, I think whatever equity I get,

292. It should reflect that I contribute more than gilfoyle.

293. - This is weird. I know, right? It's...

294. - Everybody's been doing it. - Gilfoyle did this?

295. It's just a formality, to get me caught up.

296. So what makes you of value to the pied piper team?

297. Um... Programming.

298. I guess... Pretty good at code, develop algorithms... So forth.

299. Different from the type of algorithm richard created?

300. Well, yeah. Like, not as good.

301. Richard's a 10x-er, I'm, like, barely an x-er.

302. - I kinda suck.

303. Smoked you. And now...

304. - Don't be a dick. - Mushroom stamp!

305. - You're being a dick. - There you go. Show that to your mom.

306. Mushroom stamp! That's great.

307. Hey, what do you guys think about this jared? He's shit, right?

308. No, he's pretty sharp.

309. Yeah, he does shit that no one else in the house can do.

310. Yeah, but he's a know it all. I don't think there's room in here for him.

311. Well, there will be after richard gets rid of big head.

312. Wait, richard's getting rid of big head? Why?

313. Listen, we all love big head.

314. But, the truth is he's not as good of a coder as I am,

315. Not as good at system architecture as gilfoyle,

316. Not as good at being a prick as you, no offense.

317. He's a lightweight at everything. Brings nothing to the table.

318. Him getting points would be a big "fuck you" to all of us.

319. - But he's a great guy. - Great guy. But useless.

320. Yeah, he is a great guy. Not like that jared.

321. at least we can all agree on that.

322. Yeah, I don't know.

323. Me and richard have just always been in this together, you know?

324. Together, right. But to be clear, richard created the algorithm on his own, yes?

325. Oh, yeah, I had nothing to do with that.

326. - He's my best friend. - That's true.

327. Yes. The camaraderie is quite apparent.

328. But peter gregory demanded a lean, ruthless business plan.

329. And I don't think that the ceo of microsoft has a paid best friend.

330. - Sergey brin does. larry doesn't do shit. - See?

331. What if big head is sort of like

332. A floating utility player? Like a jack of all trades.

333. But by his own admission, he's really more like a master of none.

334. That's true. That is true.

335. Which is not something you'd generally reward with several points in what may some day be

336. A multi-billion dollar company.

337. This will never fly with peter gregory.

338. I would not want to be richard right now.

339. Having to tell big head that he's out.

340. This is gonna sound super mean, but the other night he was sleeping,

341. I was just staring at his face.

342. All I could think was, "he's utterly useless."

343. Big head is a man with zero purpose.

344. - Oh, hi. Hi, big head. - Hey.

345. How's it going?

346. It's... Super good... Right now.

347. Um, I'm just going to maybe go for a bike ride real fast

348. And clear my... Head.

349. I'll see... You.

350. - Bike safe. - Yeah, enjoy it.

351. That was nice, guys. He heard everything.

352. That doesn't make it not true.

353. I mean, come on, richard. As far as pied piper is concerned,

354. He's as pointless as mass effect 3's multiple endings.

355. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

356. - Oh, hey, man. - Forgot my water bottle.

357. Just gonna grab it, and then probably walk right back through one more time.

358. I mean, mass effect 3? Harsh.

359. I didn't mean for him to hear it but it was true.

360. I mean, we all called him a great guy but he didn't overhear any of that.

361. It's been 12 hours.

362. Goddamn. He's still not answering.

363. I'm actually kind of worried about him.

364. You know, if he's gone, like, really truly gone,

365. In a way that kind of solves your problem.

366. I mean, like, if he's dead...

367. Are you trying to say that big head might be dead?

368. That doesn't help at all. How is that helping?

369. I'm just saying that that's a possible thing that could've happened to him.

370. It could happen to anybody. And in this case, at least something good came out of it.

371. What's the good part?

372. You don't have to have an awkward conversation.

373. That's scary. Should we go look for him?

374. I mean, I agree with these guys. Jared's just not working out.

375. - What? - Um, richard...

376. I, uh, don't wanna be too assertive here

377. But I could use your input on a few things for the business plan.

378. Richie, you tried your best just call him, leave a message, say he's out.

379. No, that's an asshole move.

380. Yeah, remember? You need to be an asshole.

381. I feel bad about saying that thing about him being dead.

382. That's not who I am.

383. - Wait, what is that? - That's impossible.

384. Nip alert isn't live yet.

385. Maybe he's demoing it for someone.

386. "mochacino."

387. He rode his bike to san jose?

388. Jared, can I borrow your car?

389. - Sure. - I have a car.

390. What... What's wrong with my car?

391. I just have... I don't know.

392. All right, well, remember to be an asshole.

393. A real asshole.

394. Hi, I'm richard hendricks. You did a dance... The dancing at my house.

395. Your ride's here.

396. Oh, hey, man.

397. - Hey. - Mushroom stamp!

398. No, come on, dude, not...

399. I just wanted to work with computers and get paid for it.

400. I didn't want end up fighting with my roommates over percentage points.

401. So you're just gonna give up?

402. On what? This isn't home.

403. As much as I've tried, it's just not.

404. I mean, what would've I have even done if I didn't have mochacino's card?

405. Where would I have gone? It's fucking pathetic.

406. Well, mochacino seemed to like you. She let you into her apartment.

407. I had to give her my bike. She's just like everyone else in this goddamn valley.

408. Watching the bottom line. Fuck it, dude. I'm done here.

409. What about nip alert?

410. Mochacino shows her tits for a living and even she was uncomfortable using it.

411. She said it was sexist. She's right. It's actually perverted.

412. I made a perverted, sexist, useless thing.

413. And, you know, everybody's right, man,

414. There's nothing for me to do on pied piper.

415. I think over time, maybe we could redefine your role.

416. Come on, dude. Unless you can tell me right now what I can do for pied piper

417. That no one else can, I'm gone.

418. Yeah.

419. I'm going to go get the stuff out of my cube at hooli

420. And then I'm getting the hell out of this town.

421. So this is goodbye then?

422. I mean, I'll see you back at the house, man. I gotta, like, pack and stuff.

423. Totally.

424. I'm going to take the train I think, just... Do some thinking...

425. Ok, all right, see ya.

426. - The train is this way... I just... - Oh. I was gonna say.

427. Big head...

428. Whatever shit you're about to dump on my head, you can save it, ok? I'm not in the mood.

429. Dude, I just wanted to tell you that gavin belson wants to talk to you about something.

430. - Oh, ok. Fuck you. - No. Seriously.

431. Gavin belson said he wants to speak to nelson bighetti?

432. Yeah, that's what I just said.

433. Come on.

434. Ok.

435. I'm awake! I'm awake.

436. - What? - No, no, I wasn't.

437. I was sleeping. I'm sorry for sleeping and for lying about it.

438. For both. No good.

439. What happened? Did you fire big head?

440. Uh, no. Not yet. I don't know. Sort of.

441. So do I include him in the cap table or not? It's basically good to go.

442. Uh... No, he's out. Uh, wait... I don't know.

443. Actually, I just need to close my eyes for a little bit. Ok?

444. Richard, it's t-minus four hours until presentation time.

445. Are you gonna fire big head or not?

446. I don't know. Uh... I'm just very tired.

447. Ok? I'm just gonna go get some water...

448. Richard, stop being a fucking pussy and start being an asshole.

449. Fine! You want me to be an asshole, I'll be an asshole.

450. I'll be an asshole to you and you and you and you and peter-fucking-gregory!

451. Ok? Fuck all of you. Big head stays!

452. You know, if I wanted to be a sell out I'd have done that already.

453. I'd be on a beach somewhere with ten million dollars in my pocket.

454. Not in my pocket, in a bank account.

455. Ok? This is my company. It was my idea and we do what I say.

456. And what I say is, jared, put big head in the business plan.

457. He gets the same amount of shares as everybody else.

458. Big head, you're not going home, man.

459. You're right. I'm not.

460. Gavin belson just offered me a huge promotion

461. For 600 grand a year to steal me away from you guys.

462. - What? - Yeah. For revenge. Because you took jared.

463. So you're like the v.P. Of spite?

464. But you have to do me a favor, richard,

465. If you run into gavin ever you have to act really upset about it, you know?

466. Oh, but I am upset.

467. Ok? What the fuck? I kind of just went out on a limb for you here, man.

468. Sorry, man, but this is huge for me.

469. I'm going to move out, get my own place.

470. In light of this new information, who gets big head's equity?

471. Should I get half of his shares...?

472. I do. I get it.

473. Ok? I get all of it!

474. Big head, man, congratulations on the job, really.

475. But if you'll excuse me, I have to go lock down a motherfucking business plan.

476. Jared, you're with me.

477. - What an asshole. - Yeah. What an asshole.

478. Next.

479. - Hi. Deposit? - Mmm-hmm.

480. Two hundred thousand dollars from peter gregory?

481. Mmm-hmm.

482. - Wow.

483. Sorry.

484. Hello?

485. Dude, they're taking your code apart.

486. What?

487. Did you give those brogrammer guys access to a player download or something?

488. Oh shit. They probably hacked the prototype and decompiled the compression library...

489. Well, they've got it now, man.

490. They're gonna reverse-engineer a version as close as they can without getting sued.

491. wait, wait, are you sure about this?

492. yeah, dude, gavin wants to beat you to market.

493. He wants to make sure no other investor in the valley offers you a dime.

494. that is not good.

495. They're calling it nucleus, whatever the fuck that means.

496. Shit. Sorry, dude, I can't be talking to you like this. Later.

497. Yeah.

498. "nucleus"?

499. Excuse me. This check is made out to "pied piper incorporated."

500. Do you have an ss4?

501. A what?

502. Is "pied piper" a corporation registered with the irs?

503. I can't deposit that into a personal account.

504. I don't know.

505. Um... Is that something maybe you could help me with?

506. No, sir.

507. Buddy, come on.

508. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

509. - Thank you. - Sorry. Ok.

510. Next.