Sifl & Olly Show 1x5

1. Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

2. Here's sifl and olly.

3. On the mic, yo, rock!

4. Hello, there, welcome to the interview part of the show.

5. And today, we are lucky to have rex morgan,

6. The famous night golfer.

7. Hello.

8. - Hey, you're not— - you're not rex morgan.

9. - You're grout. - Yeah, I know.

10. Dude you're not scheduled till next week man.

11. I had on my calendar it was for today.

12. Well, you're wrong. You're early dude.

13. Believe me, my calendar is far superior to yours.

14. - It is? - Why?

15. My methods of calculating time are superior in every way.

16. - Huh, what's— - I'm on time in a way you could never understand.

17. - Wow. - Dude, we're just not ready for you today, all right?

18. You're not supposed to be here.

19. I'll wait.

20. Just talk to him.

21. Folks, this is—

22. I don't know where rex is, but this is grout

23. And he's on all these space research groups and stuff

24. And he's donated a lot of blood to astronauts.

25. Um, so, have you been in space recently or...

26. Yeah, I was there this morning. I came back for your interview.

27. Yeah, but you're early.

28. How long it take you to get back?

29. About 45 minutes.

30. Wow, that's pretty fast, isn't it?

31. Actually, it usually takes me about 15 minutes,

32. But the black hole I usually take was under construction.

33. Wow, you've been in a black hole?

34. Yeah.

35. How, how can you— how can you get out?

36. Light can't even escape from a black hole.

37. Well...

38. Wearing in positively charged pants.

39. In a negative static charge continuum,

40. Your projection ratio exceeds the time consumption

41. Of the black hole's vortex.

42. What? Where the hell did you hear that?

43. I read it in the book

44. "outer space is adjacent to itself.

45. Yeah, that's one of mine.

46. Wow, are you grout?

47. Yeah.

48. - Who are you dude? - Yeah, who are you?

49. I'm rex morgan, night golfer.

50. See, I told you, grout, rex morgan was today.

51. I shouldn't even be talking to you right now, man.

52. Rex, you're late, dude.

53. I'm not late. I'm a week early.

54. I just stopped by to see your studio.

55. What?

56. It's impossible for me to be late.

57. I'm early in a way you could never understand.

58. I have the new nasa calendar.

59. Yeah, that's one of mine, too.

60. - Really? - Yeah.

61. Do you night golf?

62. No.

63. We've got a really good show—

64. There it is again. Shut up, shut up.

65. - What are we listening— - just!

66. - What are we lis— - shut up!

67. Oh, never mind.

68. But what the hell was that about?

69. Nothing.

70. Hello, welcome to "calls from the public."

71. - We're gonna take some calls. - Okay.

72. And see what happens.

73. I'll keep a good attitude for this.

74. - Okay. - Caller, go ahead.

75. Help me!

76. There's a bear attacking my cabin!

77. Okay just relax, just relax, everything's gonna be okay.

78. You got any music around there?

79. No! But hurry 'cause he's getting in!

80. Bears love music. You got any music?

81. - No! Hurry! - Sing something. Sing something

82. - Sing to a bear? - Yeah, just sing.

83. Do something soothing and sweet, okay?

84. - No, no don't sing our song! - No, don't sing our song!

85. - ( screaming ) - oh, man, okay.

86. - Caller, go ahead. - Oh, man.

87. Hey there, caller, what's your question?

88. ( laughs ) I've got this crazy bean bag.

89. - Yeah, that's crazy. - ( laughs )

90. Okay, what's your question?

91. Look at this thing.

92. I don't know, I was just wondering

93. Why it's hopping around the house.

94. Well, it's probably a mexican jumping bean bag.

95. - Do they make those? - Where'd you buy that?

96. Mexico.

97. Does it jump?

98. - Yeah. - Got beans in it?

99. - Yeah. - Okay, I tell you what.

100. You ride it out for about a week.

101. After that, they're all gonna die.

102. - Aw. - And smell.

103. So, uh, next caller. Please go ahead.

104. Hi, I am from the internal revenue service,

105. The irs, and it says here on this piece of paper

106. That you roadied at 72 different rock concerts

107. Last year and you've not claimed a single file

108. And you have not claimed that you made any money

109. When you have actually made over—

110. That's great.

111. Works every time. So remember that, folks.

112. Oldest trick in the book.

113. See ya!

114. Find out after this.

115. Sifl.

116. Well— sifl.

117. Dude, what's wrong with you, man?

118. - ( sighs ) - ( lilting music plays )

119. This happens to him sometimes, folks.

120. He freezes up like this. Sifl?

121. Can you hear me?

122. The beastie boys, to keep in shape,

123. Actually play a game that's a cross between

124. Badminton and hand grenades known as bad-ass-minton.

125. Turpentine and gasoline smell— I mean, they smell a lot alike.

126. I don't see why you think they're different.

127. Well, it doesn't matter chemically what they are.

128. The problem is that it's just not a good thing

129. To be painting with.

130. With gasoline?

131. Yeah, you don't paint the walls with gasoline.

132. You paint them with paint.

133. Yeah, well, you don't paint them with turpentine either.

134. No, but you clean your brushes with it.

135. That's true. Can you put—

136. Can you use gasoline to clean your brushes?

137. I think gasoline works. It's not the best.

138. I think it burns them up.

139. If it's on fire, yeah.

140. No, I think gasoline burns it up.

141. - Burns what up? - The brushes.

142. - Just like that? - Yeah, it'll burn it up.

143. Like, maybe sulfuric acid would.

144. I don't know.

145. Oh, we got to we got to go to the—

146. Precious roy.

147. Hi, there, folks, and welcome

148. To the precious roy home shopping network.

149. - I'm olly. - I'm sifl.

150. You know, folks, everyone loves good jerky.

151. I do, but it's hard to trust these days.

152. You know, you pull up into a gas station,

153. You don't know what's in their jerky.

154. You know the trouble I've been having trusting jerky.

155. ( laughs ) you're telling me, you've got a serious-ass

156. Trusting-jerky problem on your hands.

157. - I know. - Well, fear no more.

158. Here is the precious roy insta-jerky.

159. One drop jerkifies anything.

160. Wow. Now what about vegetarians?

161. Well, sifl, I'm glad you asked me that

162. Because, vegetarians, fear not, rice jerky,

163. Tofu jerky, lettuce jerky, and less gas.

164. Excellent.

165. Let's take some calls. This is an incredible product.

166. I'd really like to hear what our audience has to say.

167. - Man: Hello there? - Yes, you're on.

168. Oh, yes, I'm calling to warn you

169. About the strength of this insta-jerky.

170. Warn? I would think that would be an encouragement.

171. Well, I spilled some on my hands,

172. And my fingers have been jerkified.

173. Oh, well, you have to realize this is powerful.

174. Well, you know what though, the kids love it.

175. - Hey, hey, kids. - Oh there you go.

176. Hey, kids, how do my fingers taste?

177. Delicious!

178. See, there you go.

179. It's incredible folks, let's take another call.

180. Hi, yeah, I live in new york.

181. - Okay. - And for most of last year, I was out of work.

182. - Oh, no. - Too bad.

183. Yeah, well, I wouldn't have survived

184. If it wasn't for insta-jerky and the abundant supply

185. Of pigeons outside my apartment window.

186. Wow, that's incredible.

187. Yeah, I'd just fill up a squirt gun

188. And sit outside and pick the suckers off.

189. - All right! - Oh, wow.

190. Yeah, felt like a real pioneer.

191. Well, you know what, friend?

192. Hobos have been living off of pigeon jerky for years.

193. Now the magic of homelessness is brought in the home.

194. Precious roy rocking it out.

195. Insta-jerky, folks.

196. Let's talk to precious roy himself.

197. This is precious roy! I'm stuck in a gas station!

198. No, precious roy, what about the insta-jerky?

199. Who are you calling a jerk? You guys are suckers!

200. I'm not doing it, this is stupid.

201. - Do it, read the teleprompter. - Okay.

202. Today in the news, sifl and serena,

203. Hollywood's hottest couple— you wrote this.

204. This is stupid, I'm not talking about you and serena.

205. Read the news.

206. It's stupid, man, I'm not doing it.

207. I'm outta here! Later!

208. Hey, yeah, sometimes the truth hurts in the real world, buddy.

209. Every day isn't full of good news, you slack ass!

210. I'm sorry. Folks. Goodnight.

211. Hi, welcome— ( clears throat )

212. Hi, welcome to "calls from the public."

213. This is where we take calls from the public and—

214. So just yell into your phone.

215. Yeah, you should get in onto the show.

216. Okay, you wanna take the first call?

217. Okay. Caller, go ahead.

218. Uh, yeah, my kids got waffles stuck in the vcr.

219. What shall I do?

220. Um...

221. Did you— hit eject.

222. Yeah, I did that. But they didn't come.

223. They've got syrup on them so—

224. Oh. Maybe you could— I don't know.

225. Maybe if you try—

226. Maybe if you try to turn it off then turn it on again,

227. They'll come out.

228. Yeah.

229. - ( clicking ) - hmm.

230. That didn't work.

231. I don't know, man. Try hitting play.

232. Okay. Hold on.

233. Okay. This'll be cool.

234. Oh, my gosh! This is incredible.

235. ( laughs ) this is so much better than any show

236. Or movie I've ever seen.

237. ( laughs ) it looks like dancing girls.

238. Caller, go ahead.

239. Yeah, how come I'm so short?

240. Have you stood up?

241. Okay. Thank you. ( chuckles )

242. Okay. Caller, go ahead.

243. Yeah.

244. In florida.

245. Uh-huh?

246. What's your question?

247. In florida, we had hamburgers.

248. - Wow. - And we stayed in a hotel

249. And we s-saw mickey.

250. Okay, caller, what's your question?

251. Why did— why did those seagulls take my sister?

252. What?

253. They took her.

254. Seagulls took your sister?

255. Why— where did they take her?

256. Caller?

257. They took her.

258. The seagulls took her.

259. - Okay— - is that your question?

260. Where did they take her?

261. - Oh, I don't know. - They took— they took her.

262. Okay. Okay, next caller.

263. Uh, yes, I'm a farmer off the coast of navagasta.

264. - What do you grow? - What do you grow?

265. I grow penicillin and monkeys.

266. What's your question?

267. I was wondering how can I stop the hookers

268. From stealing my crops?

269. Uh, a scarehooker maybe?

270. Yeah, get a stick, get an old hat

271. And a feather and a coat and some gold chains.

272. - Oh, well, hey, we got to go. - Scarehookers.

273. We got to go. Thanks a lot, everybody.

274. Hey, hookers!

275. Do you understand we're on tv right now, chester?

276. I don't know.

277. You like cartoons don't— you like cartoons, right?

278. - Yeah, I like dynamite dog. - Dynamite dog?

279. Dynamite dog and the worm that says "wow" all the time.

280. Okay, remember how you saw the dynamite dog?

281. And the horses, the pretty horses with the wings.

282. Oh, pegasus?

283. Pegasus, you like pegasus right?

284. ( laughing ) stop that.

285. Stop what?

286. Stop— stop saying, don't say that.

287. - What, pegasus. - Stop saying that!

288. Okay. I see— all right, that's all for today, folks.

289. - Thanks. - Wow. Cool.

290. Stay tuned for that answer.

291. Truth is,

292. Celine dion is a world-class bass fisherman.

293. And also she can fit four pool balls

294. In her mouth at the same time.

295. - Sifl: Really? - Olly: No.

296. Why did you tell her I— that she could borrow my vcr?

297. Because, I mean, we were out front of the—

298. We were out front of the dance.

299. You say, "hey, do you have a vcr?

300. Because I've got a vcr.

301. Maybe we can hook them together some time.

302. - And make copies of movies. - And make copies of movies.

303. And so she called. You weren't here.

304. She wanted to make copies of movies.

305. So I gave her your vcr. I thought that's what you meant.

306. No, when I tell someone I wanna copy some movies,

307. It's a pick-up line.

308. I don't want that girl with my vcr.

309. Oh, I'm sorry.

310. - Yeah. - Okay. All right.

311. What if— what if she were to... Break the heads?

312. I'm sorry.

313. Okay, we got to go to an interview, dude.

314. All right.

315. ( clears throat ) hello.

316. Welcome to the part of the show where we do interviews and—

317. - Interview people or— - whatever.

318. Really anything that stops by, yes.

319. Yeah. It doesn't really matter really.

320. We have— well, we have plants today.

321. - Plants? - Is that right?

322. ( laughs ) I don't know.

323. Okay, well, we're gonna interview plants now.

324. - Okay. - So, uh...

325. Bring in the plants.

326. How are we supposed to interview plants?

327. - Oh, my gosh. - Hey.

328. You guys wanna buy a stereo?

329. What?

330. Hey look, my ( bleep ), he overstocked the van,

331. And I got an extra stereo.

332. Let's screw him over and get you a stereo.

333. You— wait a— you're gonna sell—

334. Hey, look, buddy, I'm just a deliverer, right?

335. I'm just taking a stereo from point "a" to point "b."

336. I got ten minutes here. You want it?

337. Um... I don't— you're selling us a stereo?

338. Hey, look, mack, you want it or what?

339. I don't know. Do you want to get a stereo?

340. Hey. Got I dinner at 6:00!

341. No, thanks, we don't want a— we don't need a stereo.

342. - How did you get in here? - Hey, forget about it!

343. - Whoa! Was that it? - I don't know.

344. Was that the plant interview?

345. Because I thought we're gonna learn about photosynthesis.

346. - Hey, guys. - Whoa.

347. - How you guys doing, huh? - Okay.

348. Let me ask you a question. You guys like ladies?

349. Yeah, we like ladies.

350. You guys like ladies, I knew it.

351. I got a couple of ladies out in the car.

352. And I think they like you.

353. You got ladies that like us.

354. How'd you boys like a little dance?

355. These ladies do a really nice dance, huh?

356. You boys like a little dance? Maybe a little more?

357. A dance, huh? Just a dance?

358. What do you—

359. We thought that we'd be interviewing plants—

360. Buddy, don't you want a little flip flop hoopity-hop, huh?

361. W-what?

362. Are you trying to sell us women?

363. Hey. Buddy, I'm just a plant.

364. Wait, come back here.

365. Olly?

366. Hey, I know you.

367. You're that plant in front of the studio.

368. - You're in trouble, dude. - I just threw some rocks.

369. Yeah, you threw rocks.

370. You broke every window in our studio.

371. Olly!

372. What?

373. What if I make you guys lunch?

374. - Making us lunch isn't gonna pay for these win— - olly?

375. What?

376. What if I clean up around here?

377. Maybe if you clean up we can let it slide, but—

378. What if you guys are suckers, and I ain't doing a ( bleep )?

379. Hey, everybody, and welcome to it's almost the end of the show.

380. - Hey. - Today we're gonna—

381. ( muffled ) I'm gonna be the next canadian dracula.

382. What?

383. I'm going to be the next canadian dracula.

384. I can't understand a word you're saying.

385. Spit that thing out of your your mouth.

386. I'm gonna be the next canadian dracula.

387. You are. You're not even canadian.

388. I'm not dracula either, but I got what it takes.

389. Okay, so what you're gonna do to get in shape?

390. Well, I'm gonna—

391. I'm— I've just been starting kind of easy.

392. Yeah, like what?

393. I've just been starting with fake blood first.

394. I just kind of— I've been putting it on ice cream.

395. - You've been putting fake blood on sundaes? - Yeah.

396. ( chuckles ) okay, not that I care.

397. Yeah?

398. Here's sifl and olly.

399. Oh, that's nice, chester. Hi, everybody.

400. Welcome to the show. I'm olly.

401. Hey, I'm sifl.

402. Dude, these night hours, this night shift is killing me.

403. Well, that's because you have

404. Totally the wrong sleeping schedule.

405. See, I don't wake up until like 9:30 at night,

406. And then this is like the first thing I do with the day.

407. You're like a freaking vampire.

408. Yeah, I'm on my way to breakfast after this.

409. Whew! We're gonna do an interview now.

410. Hi, everybody,

411. And welcome to the interview part of the show.

412. This is where we do interviews, and, sifl,

413. I have no idea what you booked, but what's up?

414. Well, I got—

415. I got some... Characters.

416. They're gonna do nursery rhymes, yeah,

417. Is it the mother goose nursery rhymes?

418. No. They were—

419. These guys were blacklisted by mother goose.

420. - They weren't— they weren't really their style. - Great.

421. - All right, well— - but I mean, they should be really interesting

422. And I know they can rhyme well.

423. Great. Okay, well send them in. First one come on in.

424. - Hi, what's your name? - Jack.

425. Okay, let's hear it.

426. Jack be angry, jack be mad.

427. Jack bashed in the skull of your dad.

428. Thanks, jack. Next.

429. Plumpty-rumpty had a big ass.

430. Plumpty-rumpty, boy, he had gas.

431. All the king's nurses and all the king's docs,

432. Couldn't stop plumpty from dumping his rocks.

433. Wow.

434. Thanks for that.

435. Let's hear the next one, please.

436. Jack's back.

437. Oh, gosh.

438. All right, let's hear it one more time, jack.

439. Jack be quiet, jack be still.

440. Jack be in the mood to kill.

441. Oh...

442. - Thanks. Who's next? - Jeez.

443. Carmen and rocco went for some tacos

444. All on a fine summer day.

445. Down came a donkey and said, "what's up, honkey?"

446. And the three of them then rode away.

447. - Dude, you suck. - Oh, my god.

448. Okay, I can see why these have all been blacklisted.

449. Jack was talking. Jack's not through.

450. Jack's been up all night ( bleep )!

451. Okay.

452. - Okay, thanks. Jack. - Thanks, jack.

453. This is the last one we're gonna do.

454. - All right, come on in. - This better be good.

455. Go ahead.

456. I'm sinders blue, sinders blue.

457. Underneath your bed I stew making all your nightmares true.

458. Eating children ages four through ten.

459. I'm bad to the bone!

460. Okay, that's it. This is over. Done.

461. We apologize to any mother goose...

462. - Yeah, sorry about this. - Fans out there.

463. We know this sucked. Sorry, everybody.

464. - Okay, well, see ya. - See ya.

465. Hey, come in here. Come on.

466. What?

467. Come in here. This is "calls from the public."

468. Yeah, okay. I was getting a drink of water.

469. - Oh, really? - Listen to how much water I drank.

470. - Wow, that's really cool. - Yeah.

471. - Yeah, okay. - Oh, yeah, calls from the public.

472. Here we go. First caller. Caller, go ahead.

473. Uh, yeah, I'm having bit of a problem in the bathroom.

474. - Oh, yeah? - What number?

475. What number?

476. Yeah, like, one or two or...

477. Uh... Three?

478. - Three? - What's three?

479. Don't make me say it. It's so embarrassing.

480. - Say what? What's three? - I don't know what three is.

481. Shaving.

482. No, that's totally normal.

483. - Yeah, don't worry, buddy. - Really?

484. Yeah, that's just part of a man's cycle.

485. It happens once a month. Don't worry about it, really.

486. Totally— totally normal.

487. So I'm not weird? No, it's natures way.

488. Oh, thank you.

489. - Sure, no problem. - See you later, pal.

490. Okay, let's take another call. Caller, go ahead.

491. Yeah, what is 900 minus 400?

492. 500.

493. Okay, and what is 20 plus 20?

494. 40.

495. - Okay, and just one more— - wait, what is this about?

496. What are you doing? Why are you asking us?

497. I'm in math class right now.

498. We're giving you answers to your test?

499. I just thought I'd call and get some answers.

500. - You can't do that. That's cheating. - That's cheating.

501. Oh, the teacher's coming. I gotta go.

502. Oh, jeez, okay. Next caller. Caller, go ahead.

503. This is your landlord.

504. - ( groans ) - oh, man.

505. I just got your water bill.

506. What the hell is going on over there?

507. - Nothing. - Nothing, nothing. What's wrong, man?

508. What's wrong, you used 800,000 gallons of water in a week?

509. What the hell are you doing over there?

510. Oh, we, uh—

511. We— we built a water slide.

512. Water slide, what the hell—

513. This is an apartment, it's not an amusement park.

514. If you would see it,

515. You might disagree with that statement.

516. You guys are gonna be out of there.

517. Oh. Um...

518. You don't scare us.

519. No, we're gonna go now, folks.

520. - Besides we're done with calls for the public. - Yeah, it's over.

521. Okay, we'll— we'll talk to you guys in a second.

522. - ( sighs ) - okay.

523. That wasn't so good.

524. Howdy y'all? Moses, I'm happy.

525. You like my shirt? Oh, guess I ain't wearing one.

526. I want to tell you ladies and gentlemen

527. About a very special woman to my heart so dear and so true.

528. By golly, I got to get my story out.

529. Hey! ( gibberish )

530. What links bjork and will smith is nothing!

531. Absolutely nothing!

532. Don't compare or link bjork to anything.

533. That's all. ( snickers )

534. If you get an m80 and sink it halfway through the ice...

535. - Mm-hmm. - And light it,

536. That's gonna get a pretty good chunk out.

537. It depends on how thick the ice is, though.

538. But if the ice is— if—

539. Okay, pretend like it were pretty thin,

540. It'll blow it out.

541. - Oh, yeah. Or even if— - easily.

542. Even if the bottom of the m80 touched the—

543. - Even if but if m80s get wet... - Water.

544. They're wax-sealed, aren't they?

545. Yeah, they're fine. That depends.

546. I mean, usually what people say are m80s

547. Are actually not really m80s, they're smaller.

548. It's hard to actually get m80s. They're pretty powerful things.

549. - Really? - Yeah. They're like—

550. Oh, we got to go— we got to go to precious roy.

551. Sorry.

552. Hello there, folks,

553. Welcome to the precious roy home shopping network.

554. You know, if you're like me, you probably wake up

555. In the middle of the night and wonder,

556. "why can't I see? I can see in the daytime."

557. You know, what it is, folks? It's what doctors call darkness.

558. I've been up for three days using this next item,

559. The precious roy night vision goggles.

560. There's a whole other world.

561. Enter the world of darkness is what I'm saying.

562. There's so much to see.

563. Enjoy the night life.

564. Enjoy night life— night sports,

565. Night spying, through power outages,

566. No more dangerous trips to the bathroom, folks,

567. And I know that's important to parents.

568. Well, you know, about the problems

569. I've had going to the bathroom.

570. You got some serious-ass

571. Going-to-the-bathroom problems, sifl.

572. Let's take some calls. I haven't slept in a long time.

573. Okay, you're on the air.

574. Hello. What's your name, soldier?

575. Uh, admiral sifl and corporal olly.

576. Well, then listen up, listen, I just bought

577. Some of these night vision goggles for my men.

578. Oh, you must love them then.

579. No, I hate these damn things.

580. See, we were going across a field,

581. And they look like a damn birthday cake.

582. Lost my entire platoon.

583. What in the hell is your problem, soldier?

584. Okay we need to take another call now

585. About this incredible product.

586. - Let's hear it. - Hello?

587. Sifl, olly?

588. Yeah. Yeah, you got us.

589. Yeah, I'm a professional peeping tom.

590. That's an honorable profession.

591. And, and as you know, as a peeping tom,

592. I need to be able to use my hands and to escape

593. Swiftly through the dark.

594. Folks, have you ever tried to run to the dark

595. With your pants around your ankles?

596. It's not easy, folks.

597. It's a nightmare.

598. And with these precious roy night vision goggles,

599. Escaping has never been so easy.

600. Oh it's beautiful. We're touching families.

601. We're touching ourselves. It's wonderful.

602. Let's talk to precious roy now. Precious roy.

603. This is precious roy.

604. And my grandfather smelled like sausage.

605. Precious, what about the night vision goggles?

606. Buy my easter bonnets!

607. Thanks, precious roy.

608. Suckers!

609. I'm not doing it, this is stupid.

610. - Do it, read the teleprompter. - Okay.

611. Today in the news, sifl and serena,

612. Hollywood's hottest couple— you wrote this.

613. This is stupid, I'm not talking about you and serena.

614. Read the news.

615. It's stupid, man, I'm not doing it.

616. I'm outta here! Later!

617. Hey, yeah, sometimes the truth hurts in the real world, buddy.

618. Every day isn't full of good news, you slack ass!

619. I'm sorry. Folks. Goodnight.

620. Hello, everybody, and welcome to "calls from the public,"

621. Your chance to bug us.

622. Your chance to call from the public.

623. So call.

624. Okay, first call. Caller, go ahead.

625. Yeah, hi, do you guys like role games,

626. Like dungeons and dragons and stuff?

627. - No. - No, but I know all about them.

628. Okay, great. Well, my dungeon master—

629. Yeah, your dm.

630. Yeah, he's been putting

631. This really bad spell on my wizard and he's been—

632. He keeps giving my wizard herpes.

633. Whoa.

634. Yeah, I know. What should I do?

635. You need to collect a lot of gold pieces

636. And just go buy yourself a rubber cloak for his wand.

637. Well, yeah, the last time I tried that,

638. He said that he loses sensitivity

639. In his magic and he can't feel the magic.

640. Well, you're just gonna have to insist that he wears them.

641. - Yeah. - Okay.

642. Okay, thanks a lot, caller. Next caller.

643. Hey you guys remember me?

644. - No. - No.

645. You guys remember me, I know you remember me.

646. You gave me these wart gems. You put this ( bleep ) over me.

647. Now look at me, I'm a freak with all these things on me.

648. You remember the wart. And France.

649. Oh, yeah, you're the guy that we told to get gemstones

650. Set in his warts because it was the craze in France.

651. Yeah, I'm the guy, I'm that guy!

652. Now look at me, I'm a freak, and you've ruined me,

653. And I don't have a job so—

654. Dude, you know what, they need a new disco ball

655. At the roller skating rink, maybe—

656. Cool, that'll work out great. I appreciate your help.

657. - All right, see ya. - Caller, go ahead.

658. Oh, hey, watch it there. Hey, caller—

659. Where am I?

660. You're on the "sifl and olly show."

661. - This sucks! - Just relax a little bit.

662. What am I doing here?

663. I don't know. What's your question?

664. Question? What am I doing here?

665. I don't know what you're doing here.

666. This is a show, what's your question?

667. Take me back to mary's house.

668. Okay. Just ask us your question.

669. If I ask a question, will you take me back to mary's house?

670. - Sure. Sure. - Sure.

671. When are we going back to mary's house?

672. Hey, you know, we're at mary's house.

673. - Olly: Yeah. - Sifl: We're there.

674. - Mary? - Yeah, I'm here.

675. - What do you want? - It's happening again.

676. Oh, man, I've had it with these calls.

677. - Me too. - Let's go.

678. Okay. See you guys.

679. Hi, everybody, we're here with chester.

680. And we're gonna have a word with him.

681. - Hi. Hi. - Hey, chester.

682. Hey, do you— do you got—

683. Do you have any pet peeves or anything?

684. ( chuckles ) what's a peeve?

685. It's like something that bugs you,

686. You know, something that bothers you.

687. That's a peeve?

688. Wha— what?

689. Yeah. It's, you know— it's just like,

690. They call them pet peeves if it's something that bothers you

691. Or something like that.

692. Why is it a pet?

693. Well, it's no, it's not— it's not,

694. It doesn't have to be a pet.

695. It's just, um— you know.

696. I had this hamster.

697. - Well— - it scratched me.

698. Just forget that, forget that. How are you doing today?

699. I'm like— I'm like nutso.

700. Um, do you — what's your least-favorite emotion?

701. Itchy.

702. Yeah.

703. Itchy.

704. Uh-huh.

705. Yeah.

706. Find out right after the break.

707. Queen latifa's real name is actually dana owens.

708. No actually, queen latifa's real name

709. Is dana scully,

710. And she's on the hit series "the x files," actually.

711. No, that's not right at all.

712. Oh, yeah, like her name would be dana owens.

713. Like she's on "the x files"?

714. Like she's dana owens.

715. Like you're wrong.

716. - Olly: Like. - Sifl: All right.

717. So man sends robots into space.

718. They get on the planet

719. - What planet? - Just any planet.

720. - Okay. - And they—

721. I'm being analytical because I'm trying to help you.

722. Okay, but say the aliens are there.

723. - Okay. - They meet the robots,

724. And they think that's what our whole planet's filled with.

725. Right.

726. So they come back to our planet with gifts.

727. They travel 50 million years—

728. - With gifts for robots. - With oil.

729. - Oil? - They come— they get back our planet,

730. And they've got gifts for robots, for oil.

731. - Oil, something— - and by that time, we're starving to death

732. And they only brought batteries and oil.

733. They brought oil and batteries and something—

734. Like the equivalent to brass shiner or something.

735. - Yeah, exactly. - That's ridiculous.

736. Okay, we've got an interview now.

737. Hello, it's interview time.

738. And we've got a real treat for you guys

739. For you circus fans out there.

740. We have giganticus the elephant,

741. The world's largest elephant is here,

742. And you're not gonna believe it,

743. And in the parking lot this morning this thing,

744. He totaled like five cars and a minivan.

745. It was excellent.

746. - Olly: Chester, what are you doing here, man? - Sifl: What do you want?

747. What do you want?

748. I can't get the elephant in.

749. What? Why not?

750. He's too big. He won't fit through the door.

751. Great.

752. Yeah, he ate all our cereal.

753. Oh, okay, chester, thanks, man.

754. Dude, I'll be the elephant, let me be the elephant.

755. - No way. - Dude, I can do this.

756. Dude, you're not gonna do the elephant.

757. What makes you think you can do an elephant?

758. You've seen me do the elephant at parties and stuff.

759. That's what I'm trying to save you from right now.

760. No. I'm so— I'll do it so good.

761. - You wanna do the elephant? - Please let me do the elephant.

762. You really wanna do the elephant right now?

763. Yeah, I'm gonna go get changed, and we'll start this over.

764. I'm gonna be giganticus.

765. Okay, let's do it. I don't care.

766. We'll have to change my name, though, or we'll get sued.

767. All right, all right. Oh, man.

768. - Hey, dude. - What?

769. Dude, don't do what you did last time.

770. - Okay! - You know what I'm talking about, right?

771. - Yeah. - All right, okay, ladies and gentlemen,

772. Here comes whoever the elephant.

773. Hi, today we're gonna interview wally the elephant.

774. - Wally. - ( trombone note )

775. How goes it?

776. Aw, yeah, check me out.

777. Great, great. So you're an elephant?

778. - Yeah. - And you're about my size.

779. I shrunk.

780. Mm-hmm.

781. I was in an accident, and I got shrunk.

782. That's why I'm—

783. That makes me want to say that you're a liar.

784. Huh?

785. And I don't really like liars.

786. So I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the show,

787. And I'm gonna have to ask you to clean that up before you go.

788. That's gonna be difficult. I can't.

789. Okay.

790. By the way, I'm very impressed with...

791. - The size of it. - Thank you again.

792. When it cools off, you can keep it as a memento.

793. Okay. Thanks.

794. Hey, everybody, welcome to the almost the end of the show.

795. Dude, I'm so tired.

796. I am really tired, too. I'm glad you said that.

797. This is hard, folks,

798. 'cause we work so late at night here,

799. And then we go out after the show, we're out all night.

800. And then we're up all day working and then—

801. - And then we're doing the show again. - I know.

802. It's like whenever we get time to sleep, we have to wake up.

803. Let's do something cool and just, like, let people—

804. Okay everybody, tonight we're gonna give you guys

805. A good night's sleep, so what we'll do—

806. Let's sing them a lullaby.

807. Yeah, we'll sing you guys a song.

808. You can get— everyone get in bed right now.

809. - Pull up the blankets and— - yeah, no—

810. - Get all cozy. - First get undressed.

811. Slowly.

812. Slower.

813. - Okay. And now get in bed. - Get in bed.

814. And now just like cuddle up, turn up the tv,

815. And we're gonna sing you a lullaby

816. And just don't worry about turning the tv off afterwards.

817. - Yeah. - Because we'll get mtv to just play

818. Solid black on your television and no sound

819. - For the rest of the night— - until morning.

820. And then mtv will come on in the morning and wake you up.

821. You guys ready?