Sifl & Olly Show 1x17

1. Hi. So I say it now?

2. - Olly: Yeah, do it, hurry. - Okay.

3. All right, ladies and gentlemen, here's sifl and olly.

4. That was good, dude. You actually did it okay.

5. - I don't even care. - Olly:

6. - Sifl: Okay. - Olly: All right, get out of here then.

7. Yeah, I'm feeling good about the show today.

8. I'm feeling good even though I feel bad.

9. We were out— we were out so damn late last night.

10. I'm excited about the show, but I feel like crap.

11. Yeah, I just don't know anything we're doing.

12. - What are we doing? - Well, we're gonna do the interview

13. And we're gonna do precious roy

14. - And we got the news. - And the news.

15. I know we got the news. That starts tonight.

16. - well, let's uh...

17. Are you ready for it?

18. - Sure. - Okay, rock!

19. Hello, folks, and this is the part of the show

20. - Where we interview someone. - Dude, don't do it.

21. - Today, we're— - don't do it. I got the new cartridge.

22. - What new cartridge? - It's satuni.

23. - The satuni game station? - Yes.

24. - What is it? - The new one.

25. It's the jessica edwards spelling bee 2,000.

26. What's— who's that?

27. Jessica edwards is like the michael jordan

28. Of the spelling world.

29. - Oh, how— how do you play? - It's great.

30. It's like a spelling bee.

31. She just asks you the word

32. And then she uses the same word

33. In a sentence and you spell it.

34. - Okay, let's do it. - Let's— let's do it.

35. welcome.

36. I am jessica edwards spelling bee 2000.

37. Would you like to play?

38. - Yeah! - Yes!

39. - Are you ready? - Both: Yeah!

40. First word— "clambake,"

41. As in, "hello there, dr. Clambake."

42. Okay, clambake.

43. - K-l-a-m— - incorrect.

44. - What? - Next word, "b.J. And the bear."

45. - Sifl: I know this. - As in, "hello there, dr. B.J.

46. - And the bear." - olly: Okay, you do it.

47. - B-j-r— - incorrect.

48. - What? - Next word.

49. I don't think this is very cool.

50. "aftershave" as in, "hello there dr. Aftershave."

51. - Okay, you're money on this. You're money. - Okay.

52. - A-f-t— - incorrect.

53. You suck. Try again.

54. what?

55. Next word— "obi-wan kenobi" as in,

56. "hello, obi-wan kenobi."

57. Any idea?

58. - O-o-h-b. - Again, you suck.

59. - Incorrect. - Man!

60. - I don't think this is too cool. - Next word.

61. - Okay. - Let me take— let me try.

62. "quarterback" as in, "nice quarterback, junkie."

63. Okay, q-u-a—

64. Q-u-a-r-t-e-r—

65. - Incorrect. - I was close.

66. - You were close on that one. - Next word.

67. - Okay. - "imbecile."

68. Imbecile.

69. As in "you are both imbeciles."

70. I-m—

71. - Be careful. - Why?

72. I am armed with lasers.

73. What?

74. - Sifl and olly— - olly: Yeah?

75. You have failed and will both die.

76. What the hell are you talking about?

77. Would you like to play again?

78. No!

79. - This sucks. - Come back again.

80. - Olly: What? - I love you long time.

81. Dude, you got ripped off, man.

82. Hmm.

83. - Hey, dude. - Yeah.

84. I— wait.

85. Everybody, what you don't know about sifl,

86. Don't— don't tell them about this.

87. - He is an incredible— - dude!

88. Spitter, and out of all my friends

89. That I know that spit a lot,

90. He's probably the best.

91. He can spit so far. I just like it so much.

92. Yeah, it's important to know—

93. - What's your favorite— - I spit far.

94. It's not that I spit on anything.

95. I can just spit really far.

96. What's your favorite flavor of spit?

97. Probably my own.

98. What's— what's your favorite flavor?

99. I think my favorite flavor of spit is my own, too.

100. Yeah, that's what most people say, actually.

101. That's what I'm used to... You know?

102. Yeah, I guess that's what really what it is.

103. - But the thing about my spit— - hey!

104. - Is that it, uh— - um, have you ever won any spit contests?

105. Oh, yeah, a lot of them.

106. Really?

107. - Yeah, I do one every year. - No way.

108. Yeah, in greensboro, north carolina.

109. Well, I've arranged for a little something

110. To happen right here on the show today.

111. Oh, yeah.

112. Perry farrell won last year's kentucky derby,

113. Where he raced against the fastest horses

114. In the world.

115. His jockey was blues traveler's john popper.

116. - Olly: Incredible. - Sifl: That's amazing.

117. Dude, this year, we are not going to cinderland.

118. I will not go to cinderland again this year.

119. It wrecks every— every one of our summers

120. Has been ruined by that place.

121. Well... I wouldn't say every one.

122. - Yeah, but you keep taking us back there. - Uh?

123. All it is is a burned down town, really,

124. And there's nobody there— cinderville.

125. Cinderland.

126. Yeah, but they have all those snack shops and stuff.

127. Yeah, and they're all burned down.

128. Well, then you can still get your pennies smushed

129. - Into like— - into charcoal.

130. Souvenirs, souvenirs.

131. The whole place is burned down.

132. Cinder— cinderland, come to cinderland.

133. - I really— - see our burned-down everything.

134. - It's different. - Yes, it's stupid.

135. Oh, right, we gotta go to precious roy.

136. Hello there, consumers,

137. And welcome to the precious roy home shopping network.

138. This is where you can tune in and buy the quality items

139. That precious roy lends his name to.

140. Now we're from the "sifl and olly show,"

141. And we're the paid spokesmen

142. For the precious roy line of products.

143. So let's get into things and find out

144. What today's product is.

145. Yeah, I'm dying to know what today's is.

146. Well, I think it's gonna help us all.

147. It's the precious roy parrot tranquilizers.

148. Now folks, we all know we've got

149. Some serious parrot troubles out there.

150. Yeah, you know about my parrot troubles.

151. Well, I know you've got some serious ass parrot problems.

152. But tell me, folks,

153. How many nights have you stayed awake

154. - Because of a noisy parrot? - Yeah, not me.

155. I just take two of them before I go to bed

156. - And I have no problem. - No, dude, they're for the parrot.

157. And you pet store owners out there,

158. How many customers have you lost

159. 'cause your parrot were cursing at them, swearing?

160. And you pirates,

161. You don't have to be embarrassed anymore.

162. How many times have you wanted to go to your funeral

163. But were afraid your parrot would embarrass you.

164. Right. So let's take some calls.

165. Fear no longer.

166. Let's take— let's take some calls.

167. Okay, hello.

168. You got the precious roy parrot tranquilizers?

169. Hi. Yeah, I got it.

170. And last time I went to school for show-and-tell,

171. I brought my parrot

172. And he told the whole class embarrassing things about me.

173. - Olly: Oh no! - Sifl: Crying shame.

174. Yeah, but now with the parrot tranquilizer,

175. I brought him in and the kids could pet him,

176. And we just had a— we had a great time.

177. Oh, that's a great story.

178. He probably didn't even know he was there.

179. - Not at all. - Let's take another call.

180. Squawk, squawk! I'm a parrot, right, squawk.

181. I just wanna say, these things are great

182. For picking up girls.

183. - Squawk! - What, what—

184. Wow, a real parrot, folks. Why are they great?

185. Squawk! You just

186. - Hey! - Oh.

187. Their

188. Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!

189. Okay, well, you heard it right there, folks—

190. A real parrot.

191. You've got to get these. It's a hot ticket.

192. It's going fast.

193. - So now let's take a little word— - yeah.

194. With precious roy himself

195. And ask him about this incredible product.

196. Precious roy.

197. This is precious roy, and my pants are too tight!

198. No, precious roy,

199. What about the parrot tranquilizers?

200. Buy my parrot hang gliders!

201. No, they're tranquilizers, remember?

202. - Remember the tranq— - no!

203. You guys are suckers!

204. Good evening, and now the news.

205. I'm sifl your anchor tonight.

206. - Tonight's news brings us to a— - dude, what are you—

207. - Small part of the country in— - what are you doing, dude?

208. This is— why are you being so serious?

209. I'm doing the news.

210. I'm always serious about the news.

211. Yeah, he's seriously in love with serena altschul.

212. No! I'm a seriously good news announcer.

213. - No! - And I'm going to bring the news.

214. You're doing this just to impress her.

215. I'm sorry, viewing audience. I'm sorry, serena.

216. Oh, yeah.

217. But please tune in for further news updates

218. With your anchorman, sifl.

219. - Oh, jeez. - Good night.

220. Hello, everybody, and welcome to "calls from the public."

221. - Your chance to call us. - Greetings!

222. Yell into your phone, and we'll pick up.

223. - Hi. - Caller, go ahead.

224. Yeah, um recently, I met this guy over the internet.

225. - Cool. - And I'm wondering if I should ask him to marry me.

226. That's great. What's the internet?

227. You're kidding, right?

228. No.

229. Oh, yeah, that internet.

230. I mean, we've been writing for over a year and—

231. Okay, so you're pen pals?

232. No, it's with— it's with chat rooms,

233. You know, we were online, email, you know.

234. - And that is what? - What— what's that?

235. Are you kidding? With computers.

236. Oh, so this is like a computer dating service.

237. - What's a computer? - Okay, um—

238. No, this— this is like—

239. Do you know anything about technology at all?

240. - No. - Do you know anything about meeting someone

241. At a bar like normal people?

242. Caller, go ahead.

243. Yeah, your show is pretty weird, dudes.

244. - Thanks. - Cool, thanks, man.

245. It's crescent fresh, though, but, you know.

246. Right. Okay, what's your question?

247. Yeah, all my friends say I'm wearing sandals,

248. But I know I'm not.

249. - Mm. - What?

250. Why don't you just look at your feet and tell us right now—

251. - Yeah. - The audience.

252. Well, that's crescent fresh, but, you know,

253. Why sweat it, you know?

254. Sure... Sure, why don't you just tell us?

255. It's just peace.

256. Yeah, we're all about peace and everything, too,

257. - But why don't you just look at your sandals and... - Yeah.

258. See that's crescent fresh, but what's so crescent fresh

259. About you dudes is that you just don't get it.

260. Oh, we get it.

261. I think you just need to look down at your feet.

262. - Hey, dudes, - what?

263. I think we're all gonna ride crescent fresh

264. From here on out.

265. - Olly: Whatever. - Yeah.

266. - Thank you, caller. - Sure.

267. - Thanks, caller. - Okay, next caller.

268. Go ahead.

269. Yeah, I was wondering if you had any advice

270. For us viewers with tapeworms.

271. They're coming out my throat.

272. - oh, my god.

273. Yeah, could I consider them pets or—

274. I don't think tapeworms are really pets, dude.

275. - Sifl: No. - Can I charge rent?

276. Because they seem to be going— they seem—

277. No, dude, you can't charge rent for tapeworms—

278. - Sifl: Yeah. - Well, they're swarming around—

279. They're swarming around the warmer parts of my body.

280. - Okay. - Ooh.

281. - That's embarrassing. - Sifl: That is.

282. Let me tell you that. That's embarrassing.

283. Why don't you just— I know what you can do.

284. - Listen, it's embarrassing! - Relax.

285. - Relax. - Okay, I know what you can do.

286. Give me advice!

287. - I think— - sifl: Cut him off.

288. Why don't you eat some birds or something?

289. Okay, I—

290. - Sifl: Cut him off. - Birds?

291. - Cut him off. - Uh, thank you, caller.

292. Oh... Ooh.

293. I told you to cut him off earlier.

294. well, thanks, folks.

295. I'm sick of your sympathy, pity bullcrap.

296. Swing it! Ooh!

297. We love you! Yeah, yeah!

298. Rock!

299. Hi, everybody, welcome to a word with chester.

300. - Hi, chester. - Hey, how's it going?

301. Good, man, how you doing?

302. Pretty good, pretty good.

303. What did you do today?

304. nothing.

305. Dude, didn't you play basketball today?

306. Oh, oh, yeah. I shot hoops.

307. I'm a hoopster.

308. Sifl told me that the guys

309. That you play with have a nickname for you,

310. And I wanted the viewers at home to know about this.

311. What do they call you, chester?

312. - They call me bird. - That's right.

313. - They call you bird. - Yeah, they call me bird.

314. 'cause of larry bird, right?

315. Who is larry bird?

316. He's a basketball player.

317. No, that's not why they call me bird.

318. Why do they call you bird?

319. Because I throw eggs.

320. You throw eggs at the other players?

321. Yeah.

322. Why do you throw eggs at the other players?

323. Defense.

324. That's your defense.

325. That's how you get around on— on the court.

326. You throw eggs at people?

327. Yeah, because I'm— I'm the man.

328. Okay, get that— get that through your heads now.

329. - Okay? - Okay.

330. - All right, chester. - Okay, cool.

331. Hello. Now tell me this—

332. Find out after the break.

333. Okay, it's trent reznor of the nine inch nails.

334. He graduated at the top of his class

335. While attending cosmetology school,

336. Where he honed his skills as a manicurist

337. Of nine-inch nails.

338. Is that true?

339. No.

340. Hello, charlie, and welcome to my chocolate factory.

341. Oh, man, we're doing this again?

342. - Yeah. - Alright.

343. Welcome to the chocolate factory.

344. Hello, mr. Warbo— what's your name?

345. - Wando. - Wando.

346. Wando's chocolate factory.

347. Hello, mr. Wando.

348. Get the fat kid out of my chocolate milk.

349. Alright, do you want me—

350. Do you want me to do it this time?

351. Here's a gobstopper.

352. You own the chocolate factory.

353. Time for an interview.

354. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the part of the show

355. - Where we interview people. - Ha! I told you.

356. - What? - We can't do the interview.

357. We're gonna miss our show, man.

358. We gotta watch our show. I told you that this morning.

359. Oh, yeah.

360. Okay, well should we just change the channel?

361. - That's— - this is just— this isn't gonna take long.

362. We just need to change the channel

363. So that we can check out our favorite show.

364. So, uh, just stick with— it's a cool show.

365. - You'll like it - so watch it.

366. We're gonna— we'll be watching it, too.

367. Hi, folks, and welcome

368. To "bloopers, blunders, and booboos."

369. And here's your host rick jerry.

370. hi, folks. Welcome to the—

371. Wow!

372. the irony is that the show's about—

373. And then I just—

374. Hey, folks, check this out!

375. Hello, welcome to the 6:00 news.

376. I am marsha hillwater.

377. - Tonight's top story is— - man: Hey, marsha, baby.

378. Wipe your lip. Your nose is bleeding.

379. - Right now? - You got a nosebleed, marsha.

380. - Oh, oh my god. - Oh, yeah.

381. - I'm bleeding. - Pretty bad. It's not looking good.

382. - Oh, my god! - You're on camera, marsha.

383. - Oh, it's just— - it looks pretty bad.

384. I'm bleeding.

385. What about my—

386. I can't—

387. Now, folks, that was a nosebleed beyond nosebleeds.

388. What's with these dang italian shoes of mine?

389. I'm slippery like bacon.

390. Now check this out. You're not gonna believe it.

391. Now remember, folks, this guy's in jail.

392. Whoa!

393. Incredible!

394. First, he gets himself thrown in the slammer,

395. And then he falls on his ass!

396. Is it— is it real? It's real.

397. How about that nosebleed?

398. Welcome to the new olly, hyper-cyber-space hybrid.

399. - Hey, slow down there, shortcake. - What?

400. What are you talking about?

401. What's that thing on your head?

402. - I have laser eyes now. - Uh-huh.

403. In the future, you just have to upgrade yourself.

404. Humans and biomechanics are one in peace.

405. Yeah, so what does this all do for you?

406. What can you do with these?

407. I can burn holes through

408. - I've got laser eyes, man. - What else can you do?

409. - I can read minds and— - yeah.

410. Now I'm more curious.

411. I'm so curious about knowledge and obtaining information.

412. Yeah, you told me about the reading minds.

413. You're not convincing me.

414. Ladies and gentlemen, snack cake and jabba.

415. That's not our name.

416. - Dude, introduce us. - Yeah, it is.

417. - No. - Get out of here, chester.

418. See ya.

419. Uh, hi, folks.

420. We're sifl and olly, and welcome to the show.

421. Uh, we're gonna do an interview now I think, right?

422. I don't know.

423. We've really gotta get organized around here.

424. Yeah.

425. Hi, everybody, this is the interview part of our show.

426. This is where we interview special guests and today—

427. But we got— today, we've got something

428. - Really excellent because— - who?

429. Well, this is a first in television.

430. We're actually going to go through the miracle of science—

431. - Mm-hmm. - To interview the center of an atom.

432. This was your idea?

433. Yeah.

434. But this isn't an ordinary atom, sifl.

435. What— why?

436. This is an atom inside of one of elvis's combs.

437. Oh, that's pretty cool, actually.

438. Yeah, so this is a sort of a famous atom.

439. So, okay, let's go everybody now

440. To the center of an atom!

441. - Sifl: Hey, hello. - Olly: Hello?

442. Hello? Anyone there?

443. - Hey. - Sifl: Hey.

444. Hey.

445. How you— how you doing, man?

446. Yeah. Can you hold on one second?

447. Sure.

448. - Huh? - I don't know where...

449. Okay. Well, what's— I'm sorry.

450. It's crazy down here. What's up, guys?

451. Well, how's it going down there, man?

452. Uh, on a molecular level, good, but it's busy.

453. It's very, very busy down here.

454. - Sure. - Well, why?

455. Oh, it would take much too long to explain.

456. I'm sorry about that.

457. Do you wanna know what your atom is a part of?

458. Well, I— I had some personal theories

459. But I don't— all right, go ahead, shoot.

460. Have you ever heard of elvis?

461. Sure, I have. Yeah, sure.

462. Well, you're inside one of his combs.

463. Get out of town.

464. - Olly: Yeah. - Really?

465. - Yeah. - Yeah, you are. You are, man.

466. Oh, wait until the wife hears this.

467. She's— she's never gonna believe this.

468. Yeah, I'm glad you got— something out of this,

469. - But we gotta go, man, so— - yeah.

470. - Okay. - It was really nice meeting you, though.

471. - Nice meeting you. - Yeah, I was— same here, you know.

472. I wish I was bigger so we could hang out or something.

473. I'd like to go out some time.

474. - If we can work that out, let's do it. - Cool. That sounds great.

475. - Olly: Okay, see ya. - Sifl: See ya.

476. Okay!

477. That was pretty cool.

478. Oh, atoms are the coolest.

479. Yeah.

480. The answer coming up.

481. I'm still thinking about that atom, dude.

482. - I wanna get him up here. - I think that there's gonna be a way

483. - That we can do that, actually. - You know how cool that would be

484. If we could take him out with us to bars and stuff.

485. - People would freak out. - I know.

486. They'll be like, "dude, that is not an atom."

487. - And he could just - he'll be like—

488. He'll just pull off some sort of molecular thing—

489. - Yeah. - And he'd be impressing chicks.

490. - That would be cool. - That would be cool.

491. We'd probably get— well, anyways.

492. - You wanna do something? - Yeah, I do.

493. Do you wanna play— let's play something.

494. Like what?

495. Do you wanna play heavy metal?

496. No, I got my— my big clogs are broken.

497. What about, uh, do you wanna play light rock then?

498. No, that'll put me to sleep.

499. Do you wanna play... Punk rock?

500. No way, man.

501. You get way too violent with that stuff.

502. Okay, oh, let's play—

503. Do you wanna play new wave?

504. Yeah, let's do that.

505. We haven't played new wave in about two weeks or something.

506. - Yeah, let's do it. - Okay, cool.

507. Hi. Welcome back.

508. Hi.

509. Gravy!

510. Okay, this one I think I knew.

511. Is it that listening to foo fighters each day

512. Actually has a whitening effect on your teeth?

513. Yes, that's actually true.

514. Amazing.

515. Well, it's not like you're on intimate terms with a gorilla.

516. You can be on intimate terms with a gorilla.

517. - I don't understand how. - Okay, well look,

518. I spent— how many years did I spent in the jungle?

519. - 50— - 4.

520. - I spent 50 years in the jungle. - Well—

521. Okay, I didn't spend 50 years in the jungle.

522. - Okay, yeah. - But the point is,

523. I learned how to communicate with apes,

524. And any form of communication,

525. You can build a relationship.

526. - It can even be with plants. - It can be with a dog.

527. I mean, I've seen you do the thing with the banana.

528. But apes like bananas anyways.

529. I mean, that's— I don't see that as being communication.

530. I'm communicating with these apes.

531. I— we tried— remember we tried

532. To get them to, uh, spell "hors d'oeuvres"?

533. I know, but "hors d'oeuvres" is hard to spell any—

534. And I couldn't spell "hors d'oeuvres."

535. H-o-r-s-d apostrophe— oh, my god.

536. We gotta go to precious roy.

537. Hello there, consumers,

538. And welcome to the precious roy home shopping network.

539. Now those of you in the in crowd know that precious roy stands

540. For quality merchandise, self-improvement,

541. Home improvement,

542. - Precious roy covers all the bases. - Who?

543. Today, we'd like to tell you about a very,

544. Very special precious roy product

545. And that's the precious roy tv diapers.

546. Now we've all got bodily function problems.

547. Yeah, you know.

548. I mean, you know about my bodily functions.

549. You've got some serious-ass bodily function problems.

550. Now wouldn't it be nice to sit and watch tv?

551. I love tv. You love tv.

552. I learned everything I know from tv.

553. Sit down, watch away.

554. Never have to worry about getting up

555. To go to the bathroom.

556. Now this means

557. You'll never miss your favorite commercials.

558. You'll never have to get off the couch.

559. You can sit back.

560. You can tune in and let it all loose.

561. I think we should take some calls

562. - Because this is— - I think we should.

563. This is a hot item.

564. Let's hear what consumers have to say

565. About this product.

566. Hi, I think these things are the greatest.

567. - Oh, good. Are you enjoying them? - Terrific.

568. I love it. I watch tv all day.

569. How— how would you rate their absorbency?

570. I'd rate them super absorbent.

571. I've had this one on for three days.

572. - Wow! - That's in— wait.

573. Doesn't that kind of smell, though?

574. No! I put a urinal cake down the front.

575. I smell like a genius.

576. - You are. - Did you hear that, folks?

577. He smells like a genius.

578. Now I think let's— do you want to take another call?

579. - Hell, yeah! - Okay.

580. Let— let's— next call.

581. oh, yes.

582. - I've been wearing these diapers for— - great!

583. - olly: Hello?

584. What's wrong? Do you need changed?

585. - Oh, do you need changed?

586. Oh, did the big man fill up his diaper?

587. Aw, he needs changed. That's a good boy.

588. Okay, well we know that precious roy's diapers are hot.

589. Yeah, these things are really working well.

590. I think they are.

591. Why don't we talk now to precious roy

592. And find out why these are so incredible.

593. - Okay. - Precious roy.

594. This is precious roy!

595. And I just robbed a bank in egypt!

596. What?

597. No, what about the diapers, precious roy?

598. Microwave-safe.

599. Microwave.

600. Precious roy, the tv diapers.

601. Yeah.

602. Suckers!

603. I'm gonna be the next canadian dracula.

604. What?

605. I'm going to be the next canadian dracula.

606. I can't understand a word you're saying.

607. Spit that thing out of your your mouth.

608. I'm gonna be the next canadian dracula.

609. You are. You're not even canadian.

610. I'm not dracula either, but I got what it takes.

611. Okay, so what you're gonna do to get in shape?

612. Well, I'm gonna—

613. I'm— I've just been starting kind of easy.

614. Yeah, like what?

615. I've just been starting with fake blood first.

616. I just kind of— I've been putting it on ice cream.

617. - You've been putting fake blood on sundaes? - Yeah.

618. Hello, tv watchers.

619. And welcome to "calls from the public."

620. Now, we're gonna take calls. So call in.

621. Caller, go ahead.

622. This is your landlord.

623. Yeah, what do you want?

624. You know damn well what I want.

625. I want those freakin' monkeys off of my property.

626. Well, they're not ours.

627. What do you mean they're not yours?

628. - We don't— - there's three feet of monkey down there.

629. - No, there isn't. - There's not.

630. We trained them to use the toilets.

631. - Yeah. - I don't—

632. I don't want no freaking monkeys using my toilets.

633. Yeah. Well, everything's covered.

634. - So, anyways— - you guys hear me?

635. Yeah. Thanks a lot. We'll see you later.

636. - Wait! - Caller, go ahead.

637. Yeah. Caller?

638. Yeah, I have a question about my sexuality.

639. Okay. What is it?

640. Oh, you know, I mean, am I a dinner fork

641. Or a salad fork?

642. I don't know.

643. - I don't even really know the difference myself. - Me neither.

644. Yeah, that makes two of us. I mean, what should I do?

645. How will I know?

646. I would just lay there and wait to see

647. What people use you for, really.

648. Oh, that is so kinky.

649. You're a pervert.

650. - You guys... - Okay.

651. I think we better take another call.

652. Um, next caller.

653. Yeah, this is bob wart from monkey land.

654. - Hi, bob. - Hi, bob. How'd you get our number?

655. - Your landlord gave it to me.

656. But you— you guys— I have written down here,

657. You've got 57 of our monkeys

658. For a party, and they are two months late.

659. - I actually— - you need to return those guys.

660. - We've got— - okay.

661. We've got 60 now because some of them had babies.

662. Look, look, I don't know what's wrong with you guys,

663. But, uh, you really need to bring these monkeys back.

664. Yeah, yeah, don't worry about that.

665. - This is a— this is a tv show and— - yeah.

666. It's not the time or place,

667. - So you're gonna have to go. - We're on tv right now?

668. - Yeah. - Yeah, so hang up.

669. Ee, ee, ee, ah, ah, ah, come to monkey land.

670. - Hey, hey! - This week we got specials.

671. - Olly: Whoa! - Buy one monkey, get one free.

672. - Okay, no advertisements. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

673. - Hey, shut up! - Shut up, bob!

674. Jeez, okay, sorry about that, folks.

675. We will— hopefully that'll be edited out.

676. Yeah, that was really not professional.

677. That was "calls from the public."

678. - Rock! - So long.

679. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

680. My name is sifl, your anchor.

681. - Good evening, serena. - Oh, man.

682. Now we have a weather report from anita zest.

683. Thank you, sifl, and I can't do it.

684. My life's a shambles. I'm fat.

685. - She's kind of cute. - I want— hey, anita,

686. I need that 5-day forecast for this weekend.

687. I just wanna meet a nice guy.

688. I think I'm starting to feel a high-pressure system building.

689. You are a disgrace.

690. I am so sorry about this, serena.

691. That's all from the news tonight, folks.

692. Thank you and have a pleasant tonight.

693. hi, everybody.

694. - Hey, chester. - Hey.

695. - How you guys doing? - Good.

696. How are you doing today, man?

697. Crazy, nutso, top of the world.

698. What— you didn't happen to be downstairs

699. Using the air hockey table, did you?

700. No, man. No way.

701. - Uh-huh. - Really?

702. Yeah. Okay.

703. Because it's broken, you know that?

704. And you were the last person down there.

705. Yeah, weren't you there yesterday?

706. No, but you were down there this morning.

707. Yeah, I know. I know.

708. So why is it broken then?

709. You're the last person that used it.

710. Were you guys down there yesterday? Remember?

711. Why do you have air hockey pucks tied to your shoes?

712. I don't know. I got—

713. I got a pretty mean— pretty mean moonwalk

714. Going on the air hockey table.

715. We told you not to do that.

716. You're gonna have to pay for the— for the air hockey table.

717. Why can't you pay? You guys pay.

718. It's gonna have to come out of your allowance.

719. Okay, I quit.

720. See you, chester.

721. Yeah, see ya.

722. Okay, here's a good one—

723. Hmm...

724. The answer is—

725. Three of the seven wonders of the world

726. Are actually stevie wonder albums.

727. Amazing.

728. Oh, man, that's so cool.

729. We saw two icelandic tigers last night.

730. Where?

731. - We were ice fishing. - Where?

732. Just right in the backyard.

733. Two of them came right up, up to the back,

734. And we felt something brush up against the side

735. - Of the tent. - Really?

736. And so we threw— we threw all

737. Of our belongings into the hole through the ice.

738. Is that what you're supposed to do?

739. Yeah, you throw all your belongings through the hole—

740. In the hole through the ice so that they can't smell the food.

741. - Mm-hmm. - And then, uh, we waited

742. And one came around back, and just with its claw,

743. Reached up and just ripped the tent open.

744. And we stood there and we stood—

745. Stared it right in the eye.

746. - Really? - Mm.

747. - So these are on top of the ice? - Yeah.

748. Oh, we gotta go— we gotta go to an interview.

749. Hi, everybody,

750. Welcome to the interview section of the show.

751. Today, we got a really cool guest and he's a—

752. Today, we don't. We don't.

753. Yeah, we've got this—

754. We have an inventor, and his name is pat lacy.

755. - Mnh-mhn. - What?

756. There's no inventor today.

757. he canceled his interview.

758. He's not gonna make it.

759. - Why? - I don't know.

760. I just got the message today.

761. He left it last night, but I was out late.

762. - Did you— - and I never—

763. - Get someone else? - Oh, no.

764. I mean, I just found out about this, so...

765. Okay, I'll be him then, okay?

766. - No, no— - so you just interview me and I'll be him.

767. - I can be him. - You're not— you're not an inventor, though.

768. I— now I am.

769. You— I'll just do it. I'll come out.

770. There's people watching.

771. They want the interview, and it's gonna be you?

772. That's cool. Okay, roll the music.

773. I'll— I'll do it. I can do it, dude.

774. Roll the music.

775. Hi, and welcome to the interview part of the show.

776. Today, we have an inventor, a real famous guy,

777. Who's gonna be telling us about some of his inventions.

778. Uh, this is pat lacy. Pat.

779. - Hello. - Hey, how you doing?

780. Great, I'm just so excited about my inventions.

781. Did I tell you of all the things I've been doing lately?

782. - No, you haven't. - I invented the front yard.

783. Really?

784. - And paint and I invented— - dude—

785. I invented prison.

786. Dude, I can't do this.

787. - Why? - It's just so weird.

788. You know what it is it's the hat.

789. It's your hat.

790. Take off your hat,

791. We roll the music, we do this again,

792. I might be able to take this seriously.

793. You just need to get into it.

794. You just need to get the hat off.

795. - Okay, alright. - Okay.

796. - Let's try it again. - Try it again.

797. Today, we have our very special guest star, um, pat lacy.

798. - Hi. - Pat, I hear you invented beeswax.

799. I did invent beeswax.

800. - That's amazing— - and it— what?

801. I always thought that bees invented beeswax.

802. Well, you know,

803. Up until I came around, they did.

804. So, basically, you just took over for them?

805. I took over for them.

806. I have also invented a couple of other things

807. You might have heard of like—

808. Is that why bees are always, um...

809. Like running laundromats and stuff now

810. Because they don't have anything to do?

811. Yeah, I've put a lot of bees out of work,

812. But I've also invented a couple of other things

813. That you might have heard of, like velvet.

814. - Really? - I also invented the dance floor.

815. Hi, everybody.

816. Welcome to the almost the end of the almost show.

817. - Right, so anyways— - I just wanna hurry up and get done

818. 'cause I wanna see if I see that girl - again walking home.

819. Are you still talking about that girl you saw in the car?

820. - Yeah, I saw this— - he saw this girl,

821. He was walking down the street and some girl drove by him.

822. That car was weird-looking, too.

823. I know and she was driving a really weird car, but—

824. So he saw her face for like two seconds,

825. And now he's in love with her.

826. So you should have got her—

827. If you would have got her plate number,

828. You'd have been set.

829. If I could find— if I could remember

830. What her license plate is,

831. I could probably track her down.

832. Mmm-hmm.

833. Mmm-hmm.

834. Oh, wow.