Sifl & Olly Show 1x15

1. Hey, I'm not gonna do this today for you guys.

2. Chester, introduce us.

3. Okay, see you later.

4. What the hell?

5. - Oh, it, oh— - hi.

6. - Dude, it's happening again. - You're getting dйjа vu again?

7. - This is the tenth one today. - This is getting so bad,

8. - But we're gonna take care of it for you. - How?

9. Well, let's just watch the interview, everybody.

10. I remember you saying that.

11. Hi, everybody, and now's the part of the show

12. Where we do an interview.

13. - Today, we have the— - hey, dude, dude—

14. - The mythology on ice— huh? - Dude?

15. No, we don't. We're doing something.

16. We're gonna take care of something today.

17. - What? - Take care of your brain.

18. I called a psychiatrist and he's coming in,

19. And he's gonna talk to you.

20. What's wrong with my brain?

21. Your brain's tripping out, man.

22. You're getting dйjа vus all the time.

23. You're freaking me out.

24. You're freaking out the audience.

25. You've been a freak.

26. You're freaking when you're remembering stuff

27. That never happened.

28. - I have? - Yeah.

29. I can't help that, dude.

30. I mean, 10 dйjа vus a day is just... Normal.

31. Okay. How you doing, doctor?

32. - Fine, sifl, thank you. - Here's olly.

33. Hi, olly, um, I'm dr. Vernan murble.

34. Sifl tells me you've been having a few problems recently

35. With these dйjа vus.

36. Well, I don't know if it's— well, it is a problem, yeah,

37. But wha— I don't even know what they are.

38. I mean, they freak me out.

39. Well, it's quite simple, really.

40. Dйjа vus are a three-dimensional subconscious reaction

41. To a two-dimensional reverse consciousness.

42. What the hell does that mean?

43. I mean, why is it happening to me?

44. Um, do you drink a lot of cream soda?

45. - No. - Yeah, he does.

46. - No, I don't. - Did you drink cream—

47. He drinks cream soda all the time.

48. Okay, now that explains a lot of this.

49. What I think I'm gonna need to do, olly,

50. Is put you under hypnosis

51. And we're gonna visit your past lives

52. And see if we can't find the root of the problem.

53. No way, dude. No.

54. Wha— I mean, what if I have dйjа vu in a past life, man?

55. That can't be good for your brain.

56. Don't worry, I'm a professional.

57. Well, I mean, plus, I'm not the kind of person

58. You can, um, easily hypnotize.

59. Sleep!

60. Okay, now we're going to travel back,

61. Back into your past lives.

62. Go as far as you can go, olly. Where are you?

63. Okay, this is me at the beginning of the show.

64. Okay, you're gonna need

65. To go a little further back than that.

66. Go! Travel, reach across time.

67. - Okay, this is— - where are you now?

68. That's me at breakfast.

69. Okay, we need to go a little bit further back.

70. Where are you now? Keep—

71. Dude, I was asleep before that, man.

72. No, go further— further back.

73. I can't, I was sleeping, I mean...

74. Okay, you're coming out. You're seeing the light.

75. You're coming back out. You're not hypnotized anymore.

76. Wow, that was weird. Dude, you ought to try that.

77. Yeah, I should. I will.

78. In fact, uh, do it to me, but, dude,

79. I already know about all my past lives.

80. Uh, sleep!

81. Okay, now let's go back, back, reach back.

82. Oh, yeah, there's me and olly waiting at the o.J. Trial.

83. Okay, now go a little bit farther back.

84. Okay, there's me at the big bang.

85. Good evening, america, I'm olly,

86. Here to provide you with the news you need.

87. - Don't... Do this. - ( clears throat )

88. Top story in entertainment news is the recent break-up

89. Of serena altschul and past anchorman, sifl.

90. I don't care. You're not gonna— I don't even care.

91. You're not gonna phase me.

92. - The news on the streets— - ( sighs )

93. Is that serena has taken a fancy for his sideman, olly.

94. You think you can hurt me any worse than I am,

95. You're wrong, so... Have your field day.

96. I'm on top of the world,

97. And that's not all I'm on top of.

98. That's the news, folks.

99. Good night.

100. The answer coming up.

101. We're gonna do a song and—

102. - We don't— - I think we should do the song about—

103. - What? Last night what we learned? - Yeah.

104. Um, we— I don't know if people do this in your town or not,

105. But it seems like everyone here says

106. "crescent fresh,"

107. - Which is like— - cool...

108. - Or something. I don't know— - radical.

109. I don't know what it—

110. I didn't know what it meant for a long time,

111. But everybody kept saying crescent fresh.

112. - Crescent fresh. - Yeah, like this is so crescent fresh.

113. But we were out last night with cody,

114. And he told us the best way to explain crescent fresh

115. To someone was through this song.

116. Yeah, so he taught us this song,

117. And we're gonna do it for you now,

118. And this is just basically a good cres— uh,

119. Uh, crescent fresh rating system.

120. You can tell somebody's non cres or super cres,

121. So, uh, we're gonna do this song for you now.

122. The answer is bjork.

123. Bjork has been in every rock band since 1975,

124. - In some way. - Sifl: Dude, that's not true.

125. - Olly: Oh, yes, it is. - Sifl: No, it's not.

126. - Mm. - No.

127. Mm.

128. - Sifl: Um, I think it's not. - Olly: Well, it is.

129. Okay.

130. - Help me! - Sifl: What's wrong with you, man?

131. What's wrong, dude?

132. I hit my head. I was in a terrible accident!

133. Yeah, I see that, you've got quite a head wound there.

134. You look pretty bad. What's wrong? What's going on?

135. Well, I— I need some directions.

136. I'm a bus driver and I hit my head

137. And now I got amnesia.

138. - Okay— - that's terrible, dude.

139. What's your cargo? Are you driving kids?

140. I'm trying to get these llamas to school.

141. Oh, you're going to the llama school?

142. Yeah, how do I get there, quick?

143. I think you take, uh, las palmas,

144. Take las palmas to colorado.

145. Take colorado down to pico...

146. And that's how you

147. Pico?

148. Pico?

149. Now you say pico.

150. And whenever I looked him in the eye,

151. He just looks at me and he goes,

152. "him go up the cricker."

153. I don't even know what he meant.

154. I don't know what... That means either.

155. He goes, "him go up the cricker,"

156. As I'm standing there holding like $50 worth of eggs—

157. - Mm-hmm. - Stuck in the middle of—

158. I don't even know where I was at this point,

159. And all I could say is "him go up the cricker."

160. What, you don't know where you were?

161. I was in africa,

162. But I don't know where I was in africa.

163. Yeah, weren't you at that amusement park in africa

164. With all the actors?

165. Oh, yeah, but still, it didn't make any sense

166. To me at the time.

167. Yeah, I think I heard about him— his show.

168. He does a show where he juggles flaming torches, too.

169. - Does he? - It's pretty cool.

170. But that place is so expensive now.

171. I know, it's twice as much.

172. Especially that they make you pay

173. In eggs and animals and stuff.

174. Yeah, well, that's there—

175. We got to go to precious roy, dude.

176. - ( grunts ) - hi.

177. - ( muffled ) welcome to— - and welcome to the—

178. That's the precious roy home shopping netwerk.

179. You know, a smile can mean a lot of things.

180. Yeah, is it a sarcastic smile or is it a sincere smile?

181. Is it a smile that's saying I really hate the way

182. You've been doing our home shopping netwerk show

183. For the last two months, you freakin' idiot!

184. You've ruined my life!

185. No... The boss smiles at you because, "a,"

186. He likes your job you're doing at work,

187. Or, "b," he wants to get you in the sack.

188. Does that sound familiar, mr. News ain't nothing, nothing?

189. Okay, I think olly said we should get to some callers

190. About this great product— the precious roy mood tooth.

191. Can I hear someone from the outside world?

192. Caller.

193. I just wanted to say thank you, sifl,

194. For shutting him the hell up.

195. Oh, it's my pleasure.

196. I mean, we were going crazy here,

197. We couldn't even buy anything.

198. Yeah, you and me both, but, uh, now that that's over,

199. Have you gotten to the mood tooth?

200. - Have you got one yet? - I'm gonna buy anything you tell me to

201. For shutting him the hell up.

202. That's excellent.

203. That'll make our moods all really good around here.

204. Let's take the next call.

205. Uh, yeah, uh, I got one

206. Of these mood tooth's here the other day—

207. Oh, yeah? How do you like it?

208. I don't know, man. Is it supposed to burn you?

209. - No! - Really?

210. 'cause the other day I started getting real horny,

211. And the thing just lit up and burnt my lip.

212. Oh, well, I'm sorry about that.

213. You just have to keep a tie on your emotions there.

214. All right, all right. Thank you, thank you.

215. And thanks for shutting that little guy up, too.

216. - ( muffled screams ) - oh, yeah, that's no problem.

217. See... See you know the thing is—

218. Is they can't hear what you're saying now.

219. - ( sighs ) - they can't hear you.

220. So I'm gonna talk to our friend, precious roy

221. About what he has to say about this product.

222. This is precious roy!

223. And I'm in the mood for pants!

224. No, no, precious. What about the mood tooth?

225. You guys are fired!

226. Suckers!

227. I'm gonna be an eskimo some day, you watch.

228. You watch me, sucker.

229. Okay, here comes the first call.

230. Caller, go ahead.

231. Hi, my name is wilma.

232. Hi, wilma, is that like on "the flintstones?"

233. No, it's like my mother.

234. Your mom was on "the flintstones?"

235. - No! - I'm sorry, what do you want?

236. I have a warning for you.

237. I have come to tell you something.

238. - What's that? - It's very important.

239. There's a man, a very bad man, named jargon scott.

240. He's got legless dogs.

241. - Really? - What are you talking about?

242. I'm talking about something you should beware of.

243. - How many has he got? - Jargon scott, legless dogs.

244. - Wow. - Wha-ha-ha!

245. - Huh. - That was weird.

246. Yeah, I love— I love legless dogs.

247. Okay, uh, next— next caller.

248. Hi, I'm jargon scott.

249. - Uh-oh. - Hi, jargon, what's your question?

250. Well, I was... Gonna ask you boys

251. If you'd be interested in purchasing a little item

252. I've got here.

253. Not legless dogs.

254. Today, I am offering legless dogs.

255. No, I'm sorry. We're not interested.

256. - Really? - Listen to me out. Hear me out.

257. - You never have to walk 'em. - Oh, gosh.

258. They're like cuddly throw pillows.

259. - Now, look, we just— - like hats with personality.

260. - We just can't really— - they never run away.

261. - True, but— - listen to him.

262. They're safe around children. What do you guys say?

263. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry we're not interested, sir.

264. I think you should hear me out, buddy, really.

265. Well, I'm sorry, but we have to take another call.

266. Uh, caller go ahead.

267. Hi, this is cynthia bordon from enterprise incorporated.

268. Hi, and I just wanted to let you know

269. That you've been chosen at random

270. - For a special giveaway offer. - Cool!

271. - Now is it just the two of you at this address? - Yep.

272. - Yeah, but— - that program is gonna work great for you

273. Because in the next two weeks

274. You're gonna receive four complimentary legless dogs

275. - Which follow shortly— - whoa, whoa!

276. After that seven you'll have to pay for yourself.

277. - Wait, wait! - Okay, we'll do that.

278. - You don't you work for jargon scott do you? - I work for a company

279. - Called enterprise incorporated. - Sifl: See, we're cool.

280. You guys just don't know what you're missing.

281. I got legless dogs here...

282. Hot... Legless dogs.

283. I'm sorry, no, we're not doing it.

284. - Do you have a number? - Sifl, sifl, no.

285. - We can't. - We just—

286. - No. - If we get four free?

287. - No way. - We get four.

288. I'm sorry, folks, that's it.

289. That's all for "calls from the public," okay?

290. - ( sighs ) - see you later.

291. Hi, everybody, we're gonna talk to chester for a while.

292. - Hey, man. - Hey.

293. Can we have some advice from you about women and love?

294. Sure... Yeah, the king.

295. Okay, when do you think is the right time

296. To tell a girl that you like her?

297. I don't know.

298. Maybe in the car wash or something... Where it's quiet.

299. Okay, have you ever been in a fight over a woman?

300. I've kind of... Done some drive-bys

301. In that direction.

302. You've done drive-bys for a woman?

303. Yeah, I drove by their house...

304. A couple of different times in a day.

305. Uh, okay, do you know the language of love?

306. - Yes, like... - How's it go?

307. Sure. Hey, fruity lips.

308. Come on— come on home with me, sugar butt.

309. - Sugar butt? - Yeah.

310. You'd call a girl sugar butt?

311. Yeah, and I keep cereal in my pocket to feed 'em.

312. Okay, well, thanks, chester.

313. Okay, just keep all this stuff under wraps, all right?

314. - Okay, thanks. - Okay, thanks, bye.

315. And the answer is—

316. Just get a couple band names like "the byrds."

317. Or the wings or wagles or—

318. Black crowes.

319. Something that has— they all have to do with birds

320. And something about— funny about birds or—

321. Think about something that you find funny about birds

322. And all those bands are named after birds and stuff.

323. Yeah.

324. Oh, boy, that's not so good.

325. No.

326. Hello, everybody welcome to the interview part of the show.

327. I, uh, am pretty excited.

328. We've got an almost famous person here today.

329. Uh, we have philip houdini who is a relative

330. Of the actual escape artist harry houdini,

331. And he's gonna— he's gonna come down here today

332. And he's gonna tell us about how he, um,

333. Got out of his last three marriages—

334. - Hey, dude— - which is gonna be cool.

335. - Huh? - I couldn't get phil.

336. - Why? - I don't know.

337. I called him and he— he's really pricey, man.

338. He was talking about all this alimony he had to pay

339. - And he wanted like— - dude, I'm so sick of this!

340. A ludicrous amount of money.

341. Dude, every single time we have a cool guest coming,

342. You blow all the money.

343. Dude, I didn't blow all the money, man.

344. I invested it, all right?

345. - You invested it? - Yeah, I bought a basketball team.

346. You bought a basketball team with our show money?

347. Yeah, it was a donkey basketball team,

348. But don't worry, man, I'm totally covered.

349. I'm totally covered

350. 'cause I went down to the library this morning

351. And, uh, got some more old "peto and fleks"

352. - Oh, cool. - Yeah.

353. - That's cool. - Yeah, everyone, we love, "peto and flek."

354. Ever since we were little we've been watching this show.

355. It was all the rage for us.

356. It's really the reason why we got on television,

357. So check it out, folks.

358. This is, uh, our favorite show. "peto and flek."

359. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

360. "peto and flek."

361. Hi, I'm peto and this is my friend, flek.

362. - Guh-guh-guh-guh! - ( audience laughs )

363. Hey, man, how you doing, flek?

364. Guh-guh.

365. - Dude, you rock! - Guh-guh.

366. Hey, flek, did you kick that dude's ass

367. That scratched your bike?

368. Guh-guh-guh-guh!

369. - Rock! - Guh-guh.

370. I know, they'll never find him! ( laughs )

371. Guh-guh.

372. - You're insane, dude! - Guh-guh-guh-guh.

373. Hey, flek, how's the new woman?

374. Guh-guh.

375. - All that, huh? - Guh-guh-guh-guh.

376. - Did she? - Guh-guh.

377. - Dude, you rock! - Guh-guh-guh-guh.

378. - No way, dude. - Guh-guh.

379. Dude, they ought to call you pile driver.

380. Guh-guh.

381. Hey, you ever show up in court, flek?

382. Guh-guh-guh-guh.

383. That'll teach you. ( coughs )

384. Guh-guh.

385. - ( coughs ) - rock!

386. Guh-guh.

387. - Rock - guh-guh.

388. That's all, folks. See you!

389. - Howdy. - Hey, everybody.

390. Today's song is gonna be dedicated—

391. To our friends.

392. Sometimes you just got to take the time

393. To sing about your friends who do things for you,

394. Are there for you, back you up in fights,

395. Back you up here and there, you know what I'm saying?

396. Yeah, you got to— you got to be cool

397. To your rock and roll friends, man.

398. What the hell's that blinking light?

399. Chester, the camera's on, say it.

400. Say what?

401. Introduce us, dude.

402. I can't do that. I know you guys.

403. Chester, this is your job to introduce us.

404. He doesn't understand.

405. ( clears throat ) hi, folks, I'm olly.

406. Hey, I'm sifl, and welcome to our show, everybody.

407. This is kinda stupid.

408. - I know. - I'm embarrassed.

409. I can't believe we're doing this show.

410. Let's do an interview.

411. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the interview part of our show.

412. This is... Where we...

413. - Talk— - take interviews.

414. Yeah. This is where we talk to people.

415. - But, no, I jump in because of this, olly. - What?

416. Uh, we get to interview an orgasm today.

417. - Really? - Yeah. ( laughs )

418. - That's cool. - Yeah, so...

419. Everything's ready to go, so he's here.

420. So I say let's talk to him.

421. Okay. Uh, hey, man, how are you—

422. How you feeling?

423. How do you think I feel?

424. - Probably pretty good. - Probably pretty good, I'd guess.

425. Yeah, you can say that again.

426. ( laughs )

427. - Ask him what he does. - What do you do?

428. I mean, what's your day like, you know?

429. My day is great.

430. I get to slide, swish, smush.

431. I do a lot of different things.

432. - ( laughs ) I'll bet. - Wow.

433. Are you, uh, a orgasm for a guy

434. Or an orgasm for a girl?

435. Hmm... It depends...

436. See orgasms, we don't have genders.

437. So... We don't discriminate.

438. - Oh, that's cool. - That's very cool.

439. You're open— you're open to everyone, aren't you?

440. We are open.

441. Wha— what's all that— what's all that

442. About the g-spot thing, you know?

443. Yes, my boy.

444. - Is— what's, uh— - yeah, what's the story?

445. Do you know him actually?

446. Yeah, yeah, you want to ask him?

447. - Sure. - Yeah, can you get him?

448. Yeah, hold on. Yeah, yo, g, yo g.

449. - Come here, come here, come here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah?

450. These guys want to ask a little bit about us.

451. - Yeah, what's up? - ( bleep )

452. What's up, man?

453. You guys are quite a pair, aren't you?

454. - Yeah, you could say that. - Yeah, you could say that.

455. We get around.

456. I bet you do.

457. So, uh, wha— what's your—

458. What's the best thing about your jobs?

459. - Uh, probably... - Uh, what do you think, orgasm?

460. Probably the first time we work with someone,

461. Someone new, someone fresh, just...

462. - Virgins? - Yeah, yeah.

463. - That's cool. - Virgins, love virgins.

464. Um, do multiple orgasms wear you out?

465. Is that tiresome? Or is that a myth?

466. Let me tell you something about multiple orgasms.

467. People have blown the context of multiple orgasms

468. Out of the box.

469. It does not exist.

470. It does not exist.

471. - Not at all. - Olly: Wow.

472. So you're just there. You're just stronger sometimes?

473. I just told you, it don't exist.

474. Don't ask me no more. Don't talk to me.

475. I really don't want to talk to you no more.

476. - Well, hey, g-spot? - Yeah?

477. - Yeah? - People say it's hard to find you.

478. How should we find you?

479. Yeah, just hit me up on a pager, man.

480. I keep it on vibrate, it's all good.

481. Oh, that's cool. Well, thanks for coming, man.

482. - All right, man. - Olly: And, uh...

483. - Yeah, it's been a great— - yo, this one's on the house.

484. Hello, and here's your question for the day—

485. Find out after the break.

486. I'm heading over to dude's house tonight again.

487. We— all weekend, we've been at this dude's house.

488. This guy's parents are out of town

489. Since like last Wednesday, and we've been there

490. Every single night, and this weekend was so crazy.

491. It was the biggest party I've ever seen in my life.

492. And it was— I'm still sore from it.

493. Yeah. The guy has a big house.

494. He has— the guy has too much money

495. To know what to do with, and we partied right.

496. It was so fun. We had such a good time.

497. Are you going— are you heading back there tonight?

498. - No. - Did you go last night, though?

499. - Didn't you go last night? - Yeah, I went last night.

500. Wasn't it cool again?

501. Well, it started out pretty cool, then it got pretty bad.

502. What happened? Did his parents come home?

503. Well, yeah, his parents found out that—

504. Oh, man. I was ready to go to —

505. Well, they came back early, and then the cops came.

506. - Dude, the cops came? - Yeah.

507. Did people get busted?

508. Oh, boy, did they ever.

509. - So— - oh, man.

510. Yeah, I know, it's kind of lame.

511. So no one's gonna be partying there anymore.

512. I can't believe we're not gonna go to dude's house tonight.

513. I know, and tonight was gonna be disco fresh night.

514. And I'm so sad.

515. So we're gonna have to find somewhere else to hang tonight.

516. Man, you know what this means.

517. Yeah.

518. Coolio's hair was developed by nasa

519. And is one of the most expensive communication devices

520. In the entire world.

521. Yeah, and coolio receives secret coded transmissions

522. From james brown 24 hours a day.

523. It's true.

524. Yeah, but, I mean, they're— they're in the prime

525. Of their youth.

526. They look good.

527. I mean, they're not hurting anyone.

528. I've seen— I've seen way too many

529. 13-, 14-, 15-year-olds

530. Drop out of school, move to paris—

531. When did you ever see a 13-year-old

532. Drop out of school?

533. - I've seen lots. - ( laughs ) oh, yeah?

534. And they drop out of school and move to paris.

535. They get involved with the lifestyle—

536. And you see that happen all the time?

537. I see this happen daily.

538. Oh, yeah, right.

539. Well, that last girl I wanted to date,

540. She was, uh, 11.

541. Oh, yeah, all right, we better get to the precious roy.

542. - Oh, okay. - Okay.

543. Hello, there, folks, and welcome

544. To the precious roy home shopping netwerk.

545. We are from the "sifl and olly show."

546. That's right. We're sifl and olly,

547. And we're gonna— we're paid spokesmen

548. For our sponsor, precious roy,

549. And let me tell you, folks,

550. Have we got some exciting products for you—

551. Life-improving, self-improving,

552. Home-improving products that you must have.

553. I'm excited, sifl.

554. This stuff gets me rocked.

555. I feel— I feel horny almost.

556. - I rea— - oh, yeah, I mean, I am ( bleep ) excited.

557. Me too, so let's get right into it.

558. Yeah, let's get to these products.

559. Okay, today, folks,

560. We got the precious roy scare hooker.

561. Now I know what you're thinking.

562. How long have I been waiting for a product like this?

563. - This is incredible, folks. - Well, dude, you know me.

564. - I know you've got some— - and you know—

565. You' got some serious hooker problems.

566. We all got hooker problems, don't we?

567. So this is your chance to scare 'em away.

568. Stop coming home finding your garbage has been gone through.

569. - Sifl: Your mail's gone through. - Olly: Going through your mail.

570. Who wants to step in a pile of hooker doo-doo? I don't.

571. Well, the thing is that these scare hookers,

572. They're like pimps, you know.

573. They look just like pimps, and—

574. It's a pimp simulator, folks.

575. They'll run 'em off crazy.

576. So let's— why don't we get into things?

577. - Why don't we take some calls? - Let's take some phone calls,

578. 'cause I want to hear what people think about these things.

579. - I do too. I'm excited. - Yeah, let's go! Let's rock.

580. Okay, our first caller.

581. - Man: Hello? - Hello.

582. - Man: Hi. - Olly: How do you like the precious roy scare hooker?

583. I just— sifl and olly, I want to say, I just love it.

584. That's great. So you'd buy again?

585. Oh, absolutely. It's incredible.

586. Precious roy has done so much for me.

587. Yeah, let's hear your story.

588. Well, I'm actually having sex with my partner again now.

589. - Great, family values. - Yeah.

590. And, uh, I think with all the money I'm saving

591. - On hookers... - Uh-huh.

592. Uh, I'm gonna be able get that sex change that I wanted.

593. - That's terrific. - That's terrific.

594. Thank you, precious roy!

595. You're welcome on behalf of precious roy.

596. Uh, let's take another call.

597. - Man: Hello. - Yeah, go ahead, caller.

598. - I hate this frickin' things. - Sifl: What do you mean?

599. I can't bring a hooker nowhere.

600. They're in every hotel, in every restaurant.

601. I can't bring a hooker nowhere.

602. - I think that's really— - they think it's a pimp, and they run away.

603. Well, there you go, folks, they think it's a pimp

604. And they run away, and that's what it's good for.

605. Precious roy, what do you make of these scare hookers, huh?

606. This is precious roy,

607. And I ain't afraid of no hookers!

608. No, that you're selling scare hookers, precious roy.

609. - Buy my hookers! - No, precious roy, scare hookers.

610. I'm confused.

611. You guys are suckers!

612. Hi, everybody.

613. And welcome to "calls from the public."

614. ( clears throat ) hi.

615. ( clears throat ) see, we're gonna, um...

616. Take calls...

617. Now, so if you want to talk to us,

618. Just scream as loud as you can into your phone.

619. And you should get through. ( clears throat )

620. - Okay, you want to take the first call? - Sure, caller go ahead.

621. Yes, I need you to send a message to my lover, juan.

622. - Sifl: Okay. - Now this is very important.

623. I am in the west tower and I am locked

624. - In the west tower and I have put the key... - Too bad.

625. - Onto a raven's foot. - A raven's foot.

626. And the— the raven will fly the key to juan.

627. - You must tell juan. - You got a bird to fly a key?

628. This is very important.

629. You must tell juan that I shall wear his neck brace,

630. And I will meet him in the dark forest.

631. - Sifl: Okay, john. - We will meet, and he should have the key

632. On the raven's foot.

633. Okay, what's this about, really?

634. - This is very serious. - Sifl: Okay.

635. - It's taken care of. - We got it.

636. - Consider it done. - What was that about?

637. - I have no idea. - Uh, next caller.

638. - Yeah, am I on the air? - Yeah, you're on.

639. Cool, cool, so listen, I've been eating aftershave.

640. I've been drinking it, really, uh,

641. To build up an immunity to it.

642. - Smart. - Okay, why?

643. To sweat it, you know?

644. Well, what's your question?

645. Uh, basically is that good—

646. Is this a good idea to do this...

647. - Hell, yeah. - To drink it?

648. Is it working for you? Can you actually sweat cologne?

649. No.

650. Uh, my pee's really sporty, though.

651. - You follow me there with that? - Sure.

652. Okay, should I go for it and still drink—

653. Keep drinking it?

654. - Of course. - Yeah, I'd go with it.

655. - I think it sounds cool. - Really?

656. - Nothing— nothing— - yeah, I really mean that.

657. - I think you should go with it. - Cool, thanks a lot.

658. - You guys rock! - Sifl: No problem.

659. - Okay, bye. - Bye.

660. - Excellent. - Mm.

661. He was, uh, something else, but let's get the next caller.

662. - Caller, go ahead. - Sure.

663. Hello, it is I. Have you spoken to juan?

664. - No. - Yeah, I just talked to him.

665. - What? - You're covered.

666. - What did he say? - He said pull off your hair

667. And throw it out the castle window,

668. And he'll pick you up on the corner of pico and colorado.

669. No, he didn't. He didn't.

670. He didn't say that.

671. This is— this is not my juan. I do not know this.

672. I should never have called one of your ha-ha shows.

673. - Sifl: No, I— - this is silly.

674. - Olly: No, he didn't— - I told you to tell juan.

675. - He didn't say that. - I told him.

676. - This is very serious. - Sifl: I told him.

677. I do not know which of you to believe.

678. You can believe me.

679. This is crazy. I go gaga!

680. Okay, thanks, sucker, for a caller.

681. Oh, god, well, those were the calls for today.

682. For some reason, only freaks call us, eh?

683. For some reason, there's only freaks in the public.

684. - Okay, see you guys. - Bye.

685. Hello, there, this is where we talk to chester,

686. So we're gonna see what's going on with him.

687. - Hey, man. - Hey.

688. Hey, do you have, um— let's play—

689. Do you want to play a game here for a second?

690. I don't know, you got dice?

691. No, but just like, okay, if you were the person

692. That was to like welcome— if aliens came to earth

693. And you were to welcome them, how would you do it?

694. A little charm and pizazz.

695. Okay, so like, all right, I'll be the alien

696. And you be the president, okay?

697. And I'll— I'll pretend like I'm landing and you welcome me

698. And let's see how you do it, okay?

699. - Okay, should I change? - No, you're fine.

700. Okay, ready? ( clears throat )

701. Hello, there, I am the alien.

702. Yeah... You a girl?

703. I don't know. I'm an alien.

704. Okay.

705. Where you from?

706. I'm from outer space. What planet is this?

707. I don't know.

708. You like girls? Or are you a boy?

709. ( laughs ) oh, forget it, chester.

710. What do you mean?

711. Wait, am I still the president?

712. Okay, here's a question—

713. Pearl jam got their name from eddie vedder,

714. Who while interning for jacques cousteau

715. Got the idea from rare diseases found in oysters.

716. - It's so true. - Sifl: Mm.

717. What was that song you were just singing?

718. Um, it's September, red October morning, uh—

719. How does that go?

720. See, that's stupid because it says—

721. If the lyric is "bright September morning

722. - On this dark September morning"-- - yeah?

723. How is that— which is it?

724. - Well, it's probably— - December or October?

725. It's the feel of October on a December morning.

726. You got to...

727. How can you have the feel of October

728. On a December morning?

729. - That's ridiculous. - Not if it warms up a little bit.

730. So like a warm December morning?

731. Yeah, it's just like October.

732. Oh.

733. - We got to go to interview. - Sorry.

734. - Yo, hi. - Hey, what's going on?

735. - ( clears throat ) - this is the—

736. Y'all get ready for this interview.

737. Because it's gonna be steamy and sexy!

738. Yeah, I know that you guys out there like girls,

739. And even some of you girls like girls.

740. So this is gonna be excellent.

741. Today, we've got a fantasy centerfold

742. Coming on the show.

743. Oh, man, I can't wait!

744. So let's welcome now, centerfold leona kayla.

745. Hello, there, boys.

746. Oh, god! Who are you?

747. What the hell?

748. I was a centerfold back in 19 and 12.

749. So you're like a 102-year-old naked girl?

750. Why, yes, I am.

751. Oh, dude, I— this is not what I ordered.

752. - This is not— - want to see a little, boys?

753. No!

754. Oh, hey, dude, I got an idea.

755. I was walking in today— excuse me, ma'am.

756. I was walking in today, and I saw a talking mushroom

757. Right by the front door.

758. - ( laughs ) - don't laugh at me, dude.

759. Okay, what?

760. Let me just get— there's a talking mushroom outside

761. I mean, he's got to be at least better to look at

762. Than this woman.

763. - Okay. - Okay, thanks, ma'am.

764. Hey, mushroom!

765. Hey, why don't you come on in here?

766. All right.

767. So you're a mushroom, huh?

768. Uh, yes, I am, I'm a mushroom.

769. So like you're in omelets and stuff or what?

770. Oh, yeah, you could use me there.

771. So, like in pizzas and salads and stuff like that?

772. Mm-hmm, uh, yeah, you could.

773. You know they make smurf houses out of mushrooms.

774. Yeah, yeah, but I'm a— I'm not really into that kind of stuff.

775. Uh, what do you— what do you do?

776. Well, I've worked with a lot of famous people.

777. I worked with joplin, morrison, even george washington.

778. Well, I mean what kind of stuff do you do for them?

779. I mean, what do you do?

780. - This— - ( cuckoo clock chimes )

781. Oh...

782. Oh, yeah.

783. Oh, wow.

784. This is crazy, man. It's like...

785. What?

786. What?

787. Oh, my god!

788. No! Make it go away!

789. Uh...

790. - Oh. - ( coughs )

791. - Oh, that was— - ( coughs )

792. Man, we don't need your kind around here.

793. Our show is weird enough without you.

794. - Sifl: Thanks anyways. - Olly: I feel like crap.

795. Okey-doke, well, suit yourself.

796. Oh, man.

797. - Hey, everybody, it's almost the end of the— - help me!

798. - Help me! - Sifl: What's wrong with you, man?

799. What's wrong, dude?

800. I hit my head. I was in a terrible accident!

801. Yeah, I see that, you've got quite a head wound there.

802. You look pretty bad. What's wrong? What's going on?

803. Well, I— I need some directions.

804. I'm a bus driver and I hit my head

805. And now I got amnesia.

806. - Okay— - that's terrible, dude.

807. What's your cargo? Are you driving kids?

808. I'm trying to get these llamas to school.

809. Oh, you're going to the llama school?

810. Yeah, how do I get there, quick?

811. I think you take, uh, las palmas,

812. Take las palmas to colorado.

813. Take colorado down to pico...

814. And that's how you

815. Pico?

816. Pico?

817. Now you say pico.