Sifl & Olly Show 1x13

1. Now sifl and olly.

2. hi.

3. Okay, are you ready to concentrate?

4. - Yes. - 'cause we got to lift this whole tower.

5. Everybody sit down

6. And we're going to move the tower with our minds.

7. Okay, imagine the tower.

8. Hello, there, folks. Welcome to the interview.

9. We know a lot of people out there hate their jobs,

10. Like us.

11. Yeah, but sometimes, it's nice to know

12. That people are out there with crappier jobs than we have.

13. Yeah, so we brought some of those people here today,

14. And we're gonna use them

15. To make us feel better about ourselves.

16. So let's get 'em in here. Hey, man, what's your name?

17. Name's jack, jack johnson.

18. Hey, jack, what do you do, man?

19. I'm a door-to-door salesman.

20. - Okay, what do you sell? - Doors.

21. Oh.

22. Yeah, but, dude, as soon as you knock on someone's door,

23. You know they already got one.

24. I just remind myself of that old salesman motto—

25. Success is 90% frustration

26. And 10% perspiration.

27. Ew! So you're just sweaty and frustrated all day.

28. Ugh!

29. Yeah, man, I think you should quit.

30. I ain't got nowhere else to go!

31. Okay, next.

32. Yeah, hey, uh, what's your— what's your name?

33. Uh, hi, I'm gretchen peters.

34. Hi, gretchen. Uh... What do you do, man?

35. I'm a tree gynecologist.

36. What the hell is that?

37. That's disgusting!

38. Well, it's sticky work.

39. Uh, gross!

40. Uh, how do you know if a tree is a man or a woman?

41. All it takes is a sap smear.

42. oh, that's disgusting.

43. - Okay, we better— - dude—

44. Get the next person in here.

45. Get her away from me. Ugh...

46. What's your name?

47. Randy barker.

48. What do you do, randy?

49. I'm a quality tester for a mace company.

50. Oh, god, that's disgusting.

51. So you test...

52. - You— - I test mace all day long, all day long.

53. Doesn't that kill your eyes, man?

54. Oh, I'm pretty used to it by now.

55. Let's see your eyes.

56. Oh, god...

57. I'm gonna be sick!

58. I'm sorry, everybody.

59. Um, how about if we go to, uh, somewhere

60. Where olly's not getting sick.

61. You all right?

62. The answer coming up.

63. This is a special song.

64. - This is the song that we used— - to get out of jail.

65. We sung our way out of jail three times

66. In three different states and, uh, here it is.

67. Yeah!

68. Dave matthews can actually live

69. For up to seven weeks without his head.

70. - Did you know that? - Olly: No, dude,

71. It's— it's, uh, cockroaches can live seven weeks

72. Without their head being on the body.

73. - Sifl: Oh, really? - Olly: Yeah, cockroaches.

74. Oh, never mind.

75. Yeah, but, if, uh...

76. It's cool because if like the—

77. If the sky was made out of like—

78. - If the sky was all fire... - Yeah?

79. And the ocean was all blood...

80. - Yeah? - And everything.

81. All of our— every single one of our, uh,

82. Holiday— our vacation pictures

83. Would have looked like album covers,

84. All of them because we just looked so cool.

85. - Yeah. - You know what I mean?

86. Well, you can, uh...

87. You should just draw— paint on the back of them.

88. Do you ever do that to your pictures,

89. Like put fake— draw fake backgrounds in and stuff?

90. Sometimes.

91. Like a lot of times, we would just go take pictures

92. In front of a white wall and...

93. And then you'd draw in your vacation?

94. Yeah.

95. That actually makes a lot more sense.

96. Because 50 years down the line, what's—

97. What's the difference? Who cares? Yeah.

98. - Oh, we got to go precious roy. - Oh, yeah.

99. Hi, folks, and welcome

100. To the precious roy home shopping netwerk.

101. Now, folks, I got a nightmare scenario for you here.

102. You're all cozy in your bed, you're trying to go to sleep,

103. But you can't 'cause the damn dog is barking.

104. You got a snoring family member.

105. Your brother's in the next room talking his head off

106. On the phone all night.

107. Your sister's downstairs eating

108. And eating and eating.

109. What can you do? I know what you're thinking.

110. If only I had some sort of all-purpose muzzle.

111. Well, precious roy has made it—

112. The precious roy all-purpose muzzle.

113. Now if you're like me,

114. You're looking at your family members

115. And you're thinking, "I wish you'd stop eating

116. And talking."

117. With the precious roy all-purpose muzzle,

118. Your dreams have come true!

119. You know about the trouble I've been having

120. With my dreams.

121. I know, man, you got some serious-ass dream trouble.

122. Let's take some calls, shall we, sifl?

123. Okay, first caller?

124. What's— what is this, a joke?

125. No, it's morse code, I'll decipher.

126. He says he's really happy with the product...

127. And he's wearing one now,

128. And it's helped him stop swearing and smoking!

129. Incredible, folks. Incredible.

130. Let's take some more calls.

131. Yeah, if it wasn't for this,

132. I never, ever would've gotten through monk school.

133. Uh, that's terrific. So it helped you out a lot?

134. Yeah, you have to go through three years of silence,

135. And I couldn't of done it without it.

136. That must be difficult.

137. Yeah, I mean, when you see a nice ass,

138. You want to yell out, "nice ass!"

139. Yeah, and this product helped you from doing that?

140. You know, it's really encouraging

141. To hear all these great calls

142. And let's talk to precious roy and—

143. Yeah, and let's see— what do you think about these,

144. Uh, all-purpose muzzles, precious?

145. This is precious roy,

146. And I like the fresh hot doughnuts!

147. Precious, what about the all-purpose muzzles?

148. Buy my mufflers!

149. - suckers!

150. Hello, and welcome to the news, my name is sifl,

151. Your anchorman tonight.

152. In milwaukee a jury found a 27-year old...

153. Can you hear me?

154. I'm using this helmet to transmit my thoughts.

155. This is hell.

156. Sifl is hell.

157. Help me.

158. Get me away from him.

159. He has a third nipple and it's...

160. Why are you wearing that stupid helmet again?

161. It's inside his mouth. He wets his bed.

162. He wet his bed till he was 19.

163. He went to prom with a stuffed swordfish.

164. Sharing the mic with him is grating on me.

165. I can't take it. Must concentrate.

166. Must conce— his breath smells like gasoline.

167. He used to have breast implants.

168. - That's the news for today. - Sifl spits into fans.

169. Day-uh...

170. Day-oh, see you tomorrow. Good night.

171. Hey, come on in here.

172. - Come on. - Olly: What?

173. Come in here. This is call from the public.

174. Yeah, okay, I was getting a drink of water.

175. - Oh, really? - Listen to how much water I drank.

176. - Why that's really cool, dude. - Yeah.

177. - Yeah, okay. - Oh, yeah, calls from the public.

178. Here we go. First caller. Caller go ahead.

179. Uh, yeah, I'm having bit of a problem in the bathroom.

180. - Oh, yeah? - What number?

181. What number?

182. Yeah, like, one or two or...

183. Uh... Three?

184. - Three? - What's three?

185. Don't make me say it. It's so embarrassing.

186. - Say what? What's three? - I don't know what three is.

187. Shaving.

188. No, that's totally normal.

189. - Yeah, don't worry, buddy. - Really?

190. Yeah, that's just part of a man's cycle.

191. It happens once a month. Don't worry about it, really.

192. Totally— totally normal.

193. So I'm not weird? No, it's natures way.

194. Oh, thank you.

195. - Sure, no problem. - See you later, pal.

196. Okay, let's take another call. Caller, go ahead.

197. Yeah, what is 900 minus 400?

198. 500.

199. Okay, and what is 20 plus 20?

200. 40.

201. - Okay, and just one more— - wait, what is this about?

202. What are you doing? Why are you asking us?

203. I'm in math class right now.

204. We're giving you answers to your test?

205. I just thought I'd call and get some answers.

206. - You can't do that. That's cheating. - That's cheating.

207. Oh, the teacher's coming. I gotta go.

208. Oh, jeez, okay. Next caller. Caller, go ahead.

209. This is your landlord.

210. - oh, man.

211. I just got your water bill.

212. What the hell is going on over there?

213. - Nothing. - Nothing, nothing. What's wrong, man?

214. What's wrong, you used 800,000 gallons of water in a week?

215. What the hell are you doing over there?

216. Oh, we, uh—

217. We— we built a water slide.

218. Water slide, what the hell—

219. This is an apartment, it's not an amusement park.

220. If you would see it,

221. You might disagree with that statement.

222. You guys are gonna be out of there.

223. Oh. Um...

224. You don't scare us.

225. No, we're gonna go now, folks.

226. - Besides we're done with calls for the public. - Yeah, it's over.

227. Okay, we'll— we'll talk to you guys in a second.

228. - okay.

229. That wasn't so good.

230. Hello, there. This is the part of the show

231. Where we talk to chester.

232. - Hey, chester, what's up, man? - hey.

233. What's the scariest thing that you have ever seen?

234. I don't know. Why are you asking me questions?

235. Can I ask you guys questions?

236. Yeah, you can ask us questions if you want.

237. Like... Can I crash here tonight?

238. Chester, you—

239. Chester, you ask us that every single day,

240. And you've lived here for three years.

241. Don't you think you just live here?

242. No, man, I'm a wanderer... A rebel.

243. I'm balls out. You got it?

244. All right, chester, whatever.

245. Cool.

246. Okay, here's a good question for you.

247. What would happen if you cooked

248. And then ate a jamiroquai cd?

249. - Olly: Hmm... - Sifl: Think about that

250. And we'll get back to you after the break.

251. If you cooked and ate a jamiroquai cd,

252. You would die!

253. - Probably if you ate any cd, you'd die. - Sifl: Yeah.

254. Last night the baron brought you

255. A new crank shaft for your, uh, 9, uh, 2?

256. For the— what you mean? For the, um... 446?

257. - Or the 446, I mean. - Yeah.

258. - Mm-hmm. - Really?

259. - Yeah, he said— - what do you— when's it—

260. He found it in a— it's old, but he found it

261. In a flea market.

262. - Does it go y to zeez? - It goes y to zeez, yeah.

263. Does it convert— does it convert on, uh, poly— polygram?

264. It's got polygram aluminum,

265. But it's got the access 20 for the torque uplift.

266. Now see, the zz 48, the one that you're—

267. - Yeah. - The one that you were looking at at parkers.

268. Well, the baron said that only at the flea market he went to

269. Are you gonna find that kind of access on the 20 lift.

270. Because the 20 lift has got like a 44 ratio to the x/y.

271. - Yeah. - It's bad-ass, dude.

272. - Well, if you crank the shaft forward... - Yeah?

273. - You can get— - wait, we got...

274. - Virtual access. - We've got to get uh, to an interview.

275. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the interview part of our show.

276. Yeah, if you guys are like me you're bad at math,

277. And you're color blind and dyslexic,

278. And you have a short attention span,

279. And you have sequential order deficiency—

280. Stop, stop, stop.

281. Anyways... Today's guest...

282. Swears he can help those of us

283. Who suffer with mathematics.

284. Yeah, so, please welcome dr. Clixby

285. Of the clixby mathematical system.

286. Hello.

287. So you've developed an entire mathematical system

288. That even people like me could benefit from.

289. That's right, olly.

290. I think you'll find with my system

291. That even people on your level could understand.

292. Hey, what do you mean on his level?

293. Well, sifl, I did a little homework

294. Before I came to the show, and I took the liberty

295. To look at some of your old report cards

296. And— and saw your math grades.

297. Jerk, man!

298. What are you doing looking through our report cards?

299. I just wanted to know what I was working with.

300. You had bad math grades.

301. Man, you better shut up!

302. You have no right talking about us like that.

303. Let's get—

304. You don't remember me, do you?

305. No.

306. I sat behind you guys in math class.

307. you used to— you used to beat me up,

308. And, olly, you used to try to copy off me.

309. Oh, yeah, I do remember this dude.

310. I don't remember him.

311. I remember perfectly,

312. And now I'm famous with my system,

313. And I came back and I'm having the last laugh

314. - sifl: This is, uh...

315. Hey, shut up, man! This is dewey's little brother.

316. Oh, your older brother was dewey decimal.

317. So?

318. Yeah, it must be hard trying to come up with a math system

319. When your older brother has such a famous one.

320. I'm here to talk about my system.

321. It's my system. My system's better.

322. Mine's better!

323. Dude, this must suck,

324. Living in your brother's shadow like this.

325. Forget him! I have the answers!

326. - I have the answers to the test! - Sifl: All right, man, just—

327. - I have the answers to the test! - Sifl: Chill out!

328. Quit making such a big deal about your brother,

329. Who's so cool, and tell us about your system.

330. Yeah.

331. - Really? - Yeah.

332. Well, with the clixby mathematical system,

333. It's easy 'cause you can spell the— spell the numbers

334. Using the number as the first letter like this.

335. Teacher liked me best!

336. Teacher liked me!

337. Hello, everybody, and welcome to "calls from the public,"

338. Your chance to call us.

339. Greetings, yell into your phone and we'll pick up.

340. - Hi. - Caller, go ahead.

341. Yeah... Your show's pretty weird, dudes.

342. - Sifl: Thanks. - Olly: Cool, thanks, man.

343. It's crescent fresh, though, but, you know...

344. - sifl: Right.

345. Okay, what's your question?

346. Yeah, all my friends say I'm wearing sandals,

347. But I know I'm not.

348. - What? - Why don't you just look at your feet

349. - And tell us right now, the audience. - Yeah.

350. That's crescent fresh, but, you know, why sweat it?

351. You know?

352. Sure. Sure. Why don't you just tell us?

353. It's just peace, you know?

354. Yeah, we're all about peace and everything, too,

355. - But why don't you just look at your sandals? - Yeah.

356. See that's crescent fresh, but what's so crescent fresh

357. About you dudes is that you just don't get it.

358. Oh, we get it.

359. I think you just need to look down at your feet.

360. - Hey, dudes? - What?

361. I think we're all gonna ride crescent fresh from here on out.

362. - Olly: Whatever. - Yeah.

363. - Thank you, caller. - Sure.

364. - Thanks, caller. - Okay.

365. Hi, everybody, welcome to it's almost the end of the show.

366. Listen, dude, you shouldn't be laughing at that guy.

367. I think you're totally... You know, quantum physics say

368. That if you want to learn something

369. You got to forget everything you already know.

370. - Now... - Quantum physics said that?

371. Well, einstein said that, one of those dudes

372. Who knows all that said that.

373. - Anyways— - dude, the thing is it doesn't matter.

374. I'm just so bad at math.

375. I spent all of my math years sitting in the hallway

376. And I didn't learn anything.

377. Yeah, I spent some of those years

378. In the hallway with you, actually.

379. Well, listen, the thing about— first of all,

380. You got to be careful when you're talking

381. To dudes like clixby, they're really sensitive.

382. These guys, these mathematicians are real sensitive.

383. - They just think about numbers. - Numbers?

384. What are you talking about, man? It's this guy's job.

385. He's dealing with numbers every day.

386. I ju— I just don't know enough about math, period.

387. Math's really easy. I mean, you can't learn it?

388. - No, I can't. - Well, I could— I know, I can help you learn it.

389. - How? - Okay, I'm gonna teach you math using music.

390. They say it's the best way to learn something.

391. Are you sure?

392. Okay, hi, oh, yeah, hey, ladies and gentlemen,

393. Here's sifl and olly.

394. Thanks, chester.

395. Hi, everybody, welcome to the show.

396. Yeah, welcome to the show. I'm sifl.

397. And I'm olly.

398. And today we have— I know we got some music,

399. And we're gonna have precious roy,

400. - And we're gonna have— - we have precious roy today?

401. - Yeah. - Excellent.

402. - Yeah. - I'm so psyched for today, folks.

403. - Yeah, don't— - let me tell you about this, folks.

404. Don't, hey, dude! Don't start—

405. - Precious roy— - hey, man!

406. - What? - It's the show— beginning of the show.

407. - Oh, yeah. - Introduce the next gig.

408. I can't wait for precious roy. I don't even care.

409. - Hello. - Hey, everybody, how you doing?

410. Welcome to the interview part of the show.

411. Yeah, today, we're gonna go via satellite

412. To the champs 1 space team and see how they're getting on.

413. Yeah, it's been a while since we checked on them

414. And I think they're en route to mars right now.

415. Yeah, for those of you who don't know who they are,

416. The champs 1 team are the winners

417. Of the sifl and olly free access to the moon contest,

418. And I think we're gonna be connecting soon.

419. They didn't really know they were gonna be there

420. For a 3-year mission, did they?

421. No, I think some of them were upset.

422. Calamity, calamity!

423. Uh, yes, you're coming in.

424. Calamity, it's the champs 1.

425. Can you read me, olly?

426. Yeah, we can hear you down here, dude.

427. Yeah, it's good to hear another voice.

428. Calamity.

429. Where's the rest of the team?

430. Uh, we ran into a little trouble

431. On the moon of zentar.

432. Okay— what happened?

433. Uh, we were attacked by a platoon of pluton warriors,

434. Calamity, half the men were partially disintegrated

435. And the others were forced to become slaves

436. In the dolithium mines.

437. That's terr— are you the only survivor?

438. Yeah, roger, it's just me.

439. I came back to the ship to take a leak.

440. And that saved your life, huh?

441. Yeah, uh, calamity, the toilets on the ship

442. Are in the cockpit, and I just leaned over

443. To turn on the rockets to remove myself

444. From the incident, calamity.

445. Hey, john, what's going on with the crackers in there, john?

446. Oh, yeah, calamity, it's mealtime here.

447. Okay. Wha—

448. I think the ship's computer is still programmed

449. To feed 10 men.

450. Calamity, can you hold on?

451. Yeah, are you okay, up there, john?

452. I'm just running into a little trouble here.

453. Help!

454. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I think we've lost contact

455. With champs 1.

456. We'll try him again later.

457. Rock!

458. Hi, my book report

459. Is on the book "the haunted spaceship."

460. By matthew lindsey.

461. "the haunted spaceship" is a really good book.

462. It's about two kids that find a crashed spaceship.

463. And when they go in they find that the spaceship

464. Is filled with dead alien ghosts.

465. They learn how to fly the spaceship

466. And invite all their friends, and they learn how to deejay

467. And they throw these kick-ass raves in the spaceship.

468. Would you recommend the book to another reader?

469. Absolutely.

470. Do not fear the universe.

471. The ghosts of the alien dead will beckon me

472. Into the future.

473. Put on your spacesuit and dance.

474. Dance into the future...

475. And beyond.

476. Both bjork and bill cosby did voices on the show

477. Of "fat albert" as mushmouth.

478. No, they didn't.

479. Would you stop this about bjork?

480. If you knew the intensity and the fantasy

481. And the ecstasy of space, love, and expression—

482. All right, all right, I'll stop!

483. You would know

484. That you don't touch the world of bjork.

485. - Sifl: I'll stop. - Olly: Bjork!

486. Their new album's called octog— octoget— octangally—

487. "octangularly yours."

488. "octangularly yours..."

489. - I think— - is the name of the new album.

490. I really think that's stupid.

491. - Who's is— is it medusa? - Yeah, but see, the thing is

492. I think they're just picking album title names

493. That are just hard to say.

494. "octangularly yours."

495. What's that supposed to mean? You know what I mean.

496. I don't know, like, I love you in eight different ways?

497. No, I think it's just medusa

498. And the way they write their name on the album cover.

499. It looks the same backwards as forwards.

500. - I know. - 'cause they make the letter "a" look like the letter "m."

501. - Uh-huh. - And then it says "medusa."

502. - Uh-huh. - And you're supposed to think

503. That they're cool or something.

504. Octa— octagular— octangularly—

505. - Hey, dude! - "octangularly yours" is the name of the album.

506. We're back on with precious roy!

507. Oh, precious roy.

508. Hi, folks, and welcome

509. To the precious roy home shopping netwerk.

510. Today, we've got a new item.

511. And, boy, is it a doozy.

512. It's the precious roy miracle dirt.

513. - Sifl: What is it? - Olly: What isn't it, sifl?

514. I mean, folks, so few products live up

515. To the word "miracle."

516. But miracle dirt is a true blessing.

517. You can cook with it, shave with it,

518. Clean with it—

519. - Quiet! - Read with it!

520. Shut up!

521. Miracle dirt is an all-purpose substance

522. That us renaissance homemakers require.

523. What is going on with you?

524. - Being a single bachelor...

525. I run into a lot of shopping nightmares.

526. Well, you know about the nightmares

527. I've had shopping.

528. You got some serious-ass shopping nightmares!

529. Finally, there's a product that

530. Provides us a whole shopping list worth of uses.

531. - Folks— - you're ruining this.

532. Folks, it's like cheese.

533. I don't understand it, you don't understand it,

534. But we love it anyways!

535. Let's take some calls!

536. Hello?

537. It's just dirt, man.

538. No, it's miracle dirt.

539. Man, this stuff's just dirt.

540. Yeah, what is it?

541. If it were ordinary dirt, would it be called miracle dirt?

542. Stop calling it, man. Stop calling it that.

543. It's— it's dirt.

544. Are you a superhero by chance, friend?

545. No.

546. Then don't question the power of miracle dirt!

547. Hey, don't talk to the callers like that!

548. - This guy's got you all freaked out, this roy.

549. Do you realize what a fool you've made of yourself

550. Over the last—

551. Oh, forget it. I'm outta here.

552. Folks, miracle dirt is your last chance for salvation,

553. And I mean that.

554. Let's take another call.

555. Yeah, I use your miracle dirt.

556. I really, really like it.

557. And what are you using miracle dirt for?

558. Uh, for dirt.

559. What?

560. For dirt, I use it in my garden.

561. - You know, my flowers— - you are so underestimating this product, sir!

562. Folks, miracle dirt is gonna do the job.

563. Let's talk to precious roy now!

564. This is precious roy!

565. And when my gang finds out, you'll be dead!

566. What about miracle dirt, precious roy?

567. you!

568. Suckers!

569. - Yo... Hi. - Hey, what's going on?

570. - this is the—

571. Y'all get ready for this interview,

572. Because this is gonna be steamy and sexy!

573. Yeah, I know that you guys out there like girls,

574. And even some of you girls like girls.

575. So this is gonna be excellent.

576. Today, we've got a fantasy centerfold

577. Coming on the show.

578. Oh, man, I can't wait!

579. So let's welcome now, centerfold leona kayla.

580. Hello, there, boys.

581. Oh, god! Who are you?

582. What the hell?

583. I was a centerfold back in 19 and 12.

584. So you're like a 102-year-old naked girl?

585. Why, yes, I am.

586. Oh, dude, I— this is not what I ordered.

587. - This is not— - want to see a little, boys?

588. No!

589. Oh, hey, dude, I got an idea.

590. I was walking in today— excuse me, ma'am.

591. I was walking in today, and I saw a talking mushroom

592. Right by the front door.

593. - don't laugh at me, dude.

594. Okay, what?

595. Let me just get— there's a talking mushroom outside

596. I mean, he's got to be at least better to look at

597. Than this woman.

598. - Okay. - Okay, thanks, ma'am.

599. Hey, mushroom!

600. Hey, why don't you come on in here?

601. All right.

602. So you're a mushroom, huh?

603. Uh, yes, I am, I'm a mushroom.

604. So like you're in omelets and stuff or what?

605. Oh, yeah, you could use me there.

606. So, like in pizzas and salads and stuff like that?

607. Mm-hmm, uh, yeah, you could.

608. You know they make smurf houses out of mushrooms.

609. Yeah, yeah, but I'm a— I'm not really into that kind of stuff.

610. Uh, what do you— what do you do?

611. Well, I've worked with a lot of famous people.

612. I worked with joplin, morrison, even george washington.

613. Well, I mean what kind of stuff do you do for them?

614. I mean, what do you do?

615. - This—

616. Oh...

617. Oh, yeah.

618. Oh, wow.

619. This is crazy, man. It's like...

620. What?

621. What?

622. Oh, my god!

623. No! Make it go away!

624. Uh...

625. - Oh.

626. - Oh, that was—

627. Man, we don't need your kind around here.

628. Our show is weird enough without you.

629. - Sifl: Thanks anyways. - Olly: I feel like crap.

630. Okey-doke, well, suit yourself.

631. Oh, cool, that's great. He's coming back?

632. - Yeah. - You I don't want him here!

633. Okay, this is my friend.

634. He's gonna do some extreme cooking today.

635. - No! - What are you gonna make today, aesop?

636. Uh... Dynamite crack and cheese, mac and cheese.

637. Dynamite mac and cheese, and what's that a side of?

638. - It's a super model. - Excellent.

639. Let's— let's get to it.

640. Whoa!

641. Ooh, well, at least the supermodels look like

642. They're all right over there.

643. You want to dig in?

644. No, I don't want any supermodels.

645. - There's no meat on them. - Aesop:

646. - All right, - leave me alone.

647. Okay.

648. Hello, welcome to "calls from the public."

649. We're gonna take some calls—

650. - Okay. - And see what happens.

651. I'll keep— I'll keep a good attitude for this.

652. - Okay. - Caller, go ahead.

653. Help me!

654. There's a bear attacking my cabin!

655. Okay just relax, just relax, everything's gonna be okay.

656. You got any music around there?

657. No! But hurry 'cause he's getting in!

658. Bears love music. You got any music?

659. - No! Hurry! - Sing something. Sing something

660. - Sing to a bear? - Yeah, just sing.

661. Do something soothing and sweet, okay?

662. - No, no don't sing our song! - No, don't sing our song!

663. - oh, man, okay.

664. - Caller, go ahead. - Oh, man.

665. Hey there, caller, what's your question?

666. I've got this crazy bean bag.

667. - Yeah, that's crazy.

668. Okay, what's your question?

669. Look at this thing.

670. I don't know, I was just wondering

671. Why it's hopping around the house.

672. Well, it's probably a mexican jumping bean bag.

673. - Do they make those? - Where'd you buy that?

674. Mexico.

675. Does it jump?

676. - Yeah. - Got beans in it?

677. - Yeah. - Okay, I tell you what.

678. You ride it out for about a week.

679. After that, they're all gonna die.

680. - Aw. - And smell.

681. So, uh, next caller. Please go ahead.

682. Hi, I am from the internal revenue service,

683. The irs, and it says here on this piece of paper

684. That you roadied at 72 different rock concerts

685. Last year and you've not claimed a single file

686. And you have not claimed that you made any money

687. When you have actually made over—

688. That's great.

689. Works every time. So remember that, folks.

690. Oldest trick in the book.

691. See ya!

692. Hi, everybody, we're gonna talk to chester for a while.

693. - Hey, man. - Hey.

694. Can we have some advice from you about women and love?

695. Sure... Yeah, the king.

696. Okay, when do you think is the right time

697. To tell a girl that you like her?

698. I don't know.

699. Maybe in the car wash or something... Where it's quiet.

700. Okay, have you ever been in a fight over a woman?

701. I've kind of... Done some drive-bys

702. In that direction.

703. You've done drive-bys for a woman?

704. Yeah, I drove by their house...

705. A couple of different times in a day.

706. Uh, okay, do you know the language of love?

707. - Yes, like... - How's it go?

708. Sure. Hey, fruity lips.

709. Come on— come on home with me, sugar butt.

710. - Sugar butt? - Yeah.

711. You'd call a girl sugar butt?

712. Yeah, and I keep cereal in my pocket to feed 'em.

713. Okay, well, thanks, chester.

714. Okay, just keep all this stuff under wraps, all right?

715. - Okay, thanks. - Okay, thanks, bye.

716. - Olly: Is he that dude from the monkeys? - Sifl: Yeah.

717. Michael nesmith's mother actually started out

718. As an l.A. Laker girl.

719. No, no, no, dude. That was paula abdul.

720. No, I'm pretty sure it was michael nesmith's mother.

721. No, she invented white out.

722. No, I'm pretty sure that she was an l.A. Laker's girl.

723. - Sifl: I don't know. - Olly: I'm pretty sure about this, folks.

724. Yeah, parker was the guy who had all the toys

725. That you could like— he had the scanner

726. That you could, uh...

727. - A scanner? - Yeah.

728. Like people would walk by and he could tell

729. What they had for dinner.

730. - It was crazy. - That's cool.

731. So he had like an x-ray scanner?

732. Yeah, and he had all those toilet cleaning sets.

733. Oh, yeah, with the slugs?

734. Yeah, because he was in that group

735. That went around and cleaned bathrooms

736. For free in restaurants.

737. So all you need is a bunch of slugs

738. And they'll clean out your toilet.

739. He used to use snails. They'll hold on a lot better.

740. Okay. Oh, we got do the interview.

741. Hello, there.

742. Welcome to the interview part of the show.

743. Uh, today, I'm gonna be interviewing

744. The inventor of ping-pong.

745. - So let's have a word— - no, dude, no, dude.

746. I got a better idea.

747. We're gonna go to vegas we're gonna do some gambling

748. And I'm gonna get our budget back.

749. I'm gonna double our budget, triple it!

750. Place your bets! Place your bets!

751. What the hell?

752. What do you mean, you're gonna do— our budget back?

753. - What's going on? - I-I spent our budget on gambling.

754. But I'm gonna get it back. I'll triple it, watch.

755. - Olly: Dude! - Sifl: Don't worry, here we go.

756. - Okay, I want to— - dude, ga— dude, gambling is wrong.

757. Just let me do this.

758. Okay, I want to bet on double zeroes.

759. Round and round she goes!

760. Round and round she goes!

761. Black 15. Black 15, everybody.

762. Pay up, pay up.

763. - dude, you suck!

764. - No, man, no, man— - you suck!

765. Okay, my luck's gonna change. Watch here.

766. Here we go. Okay, black 15.

767. Black 15, he says.

768. Round and round she goes, ladies and gentlemen,

769. Round and round.

770. - Sifl: This is me, baby. - Double zero!

771. Double zeroes, everybody pay up.

772. - Sifl: Okay, we're out of money. - Pay, you two.

773. - Sifl: We're out of money. - Pay up, you worms.

774. - Sifl: Okay. - It's time to pay up.

775. We'll get you some money. Somebody go to my—

776. - Dude, you can do this. You got a watch? - No.

777. - You got a watch? - No.

778. Um... We can do this.

779. You got to pay up there, sonny. I ain't got all day.

780. Dude, what can we do?

781. Uh, what do want, man?

782. What's the name of that little weird guy

783. That's always on your show?

784. - Chester? - Chester?

785. Chester?

786. Yeah, I like him. Ha, he makes me laugh.

787. Dude, you got him, man.

788. - Dude, you can't give away chester! - Hell, yeah, we are.

789. - Don't bet chester in vegas. - I'm gonna triple the budget.

790. - No, dude— - okay, ready, uh, all right.

791. - Chester on red five.

792. Here she goes round and round.

793. Black 15, folks!

794. - Sifl: Dude! - Black 15!

795. I can't believe you just lost chester.

796. Hey, chester, chester, pack your bags, man.

797. You're gonna go to vegas.

798. Cool. Can I have some money?

799. We— dude, we don't have any money.

800. That's why you're going to vegas.

801. You got it?

802. Sifl does. It's under his bed.

803. You bastard.

804. Yeah, it's a secret.

805. Shh.

806. Hey, man, I just wanted to say,

807. There's a lot of us out here today, and, uh...

808. - Who you talking to? - We got to call this love, man.

809. I want you all to hold hands, man.

810. - What? - 'cause this is love.

811. If you've got food left over, you ought to share it, man.

812. Or freeze-dry it.

813. 'cause we got a long day ahead of us, folks.

814. This is incredible, man. We can make a difference.

815. - Who the hell are you talking to? - We can make a change.

816. First up, we got sifl!

817. Whoa, what is going on?

818. There's lights and a huge crowd.

819. And I'm— cool.

820. Cool, you guys are wasted!

821. Dude, you're— dude...

822. Dude, your eyes are dilated.

823. Oh, anyways, I— music.

824. Rock it! Party!

825. That's right.

826. I can't get anybody's help.

827. You know what I'm saying?

828. I just fell out of bed and this was all here.

829. This is a good morning.

830. Oh, it's night. Okay, I got to go.