Sifl & Olly Show 1x1

1. Okay, here's those guys.

2. thank you, chester.

3. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the show.

4. My name's sifl, and this is—

5. - Dude. - What?

6. - I just got a message on my machine... - Uh-huh.

7. - From that stealth guy. - The guy who hates you.

8. And he said that he found out where I live again.

9. - Oh, dude. - He's gonna kick my ass, dude.

10. - For real? - Yeah, for real!

11. So if I gotta go during the show,

12. - I gotta go, okay? - Okay, that's fine.

13. But just handle it for me or something

14. 'cause I don't know what to do, man.

15. - This guy's serious. - If he shows up, take off.

16. - You're gonna know when he shows up, believe me. - Really?

17. Okay, well, we gotta go to our interview now.

18. So we'll see you in a minute.

19. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the part of the show where—

20. Is that stealth? I'm out of here! Bye!

21. Hey, you punk-ass freak, where's olly?

22. Oh, you must be stealth, huh?

23. Damn right I am! Where is he?

24. He's hiding from you, so...

25. Well, you better find him right now or you're next, buddy.

26. Dude, you can't smoke in here. Put it out.

27. I smoke because I'm a bad-ass mother.

28. Can you hold on just one second?

29. Every cigarette is a tiny smoke signal

30. Beckoning the angel of death.

31. You're kind of a jerk.

32. Smoking makes you look cool, it makes you die young,

33. Which are both very tough!

34. Yeah, whatever. What's your problem man—

35. I'm a bad customer!

36. Okay, tell me why you're after olly.

37. I mean, this is ridiculous. What—

38. That little jerk I'm gonna kick his ass.

39. Well, why?

40. That little punk drove a golf cart

41. Through my bar mitzvah!

42. And not only that, he was dressed up like beaver!

43. Well, some things you just gotta let pass, dude.

44. How the hell am I supposed to let that pass?

45. Embarrassed me in front of my whole family!

46. I'm a family man!

47. And he's gonna die at the end of your show

48. If you don't get him out here now!

49. All right, gimme one second and I'll go talk to him, okay?

50. Oh, so he's here.

51. - No— - little lying punk-ass.

52. I oughta kill ya.

53. Well, good luck, buddy. Hold on.

54. Hey, olly. Olly, come on in here, dude.

55. - Olly: Is he gone? - Sifl: Yeah, he's gone.

56. - It's all clear, come back in. - No, he's not. He's right there! Dude!

57. - Punk. - Dude, I want you guys to settle this right now.

58. - This is ridiculous. - No way.

59. Talk this out. Get it solved.

60. Um...

61. Okay, look, dude, you can drive—

62. You can drive a golf cart through my bar mitzvah, okay?

63. That's cool. You're having a bar mitzvah?

64. Yeah, I'm... Having one next week.

65. Okay, I'll be there.

66. You're not even jewish.

67. Ixnay on the ewish-jay.

68. What was that?

69. I think he just said something in pig latin,

70. Like "I'm not jewish" or something.

71. You little punk! You're dead!

72. After the show, the cameras go off,

73. You go off, mother!

74. It was just a stupid beaver costume!

75. I can't even— I'm out of here!

76. The black wrath of hell will fall from the skies!

77. Bat wings sweeping your grave with black smoke,

78. Death, and hell!

79. Okay, can we just settle this later, then?

80. - Sure. - Great.

81. The answer coming up.

82. - Dude, would you just leave, okay? - You're dead.

83. Wait outside or something, but you can't be here.

84. - Why? - We're gonna do a song.

85. And you're gonna ruin it.

86. It's just— your whole presence

87. Is gonna just pop the creative bubble.

88. I'm gonna pop your skull like a bubble.

89. - Oh, cool, that's great. Thanks a lot. - Listen, dude.

90. Listen, man, this is a special song.

91. - You have no right being here. - Yeah.

92. I'm— I'm gonna— I'm gonna kick his ass,

93. - And then I'm gonna kick your ass. - You're not gonna touch me.

94. And then I'm gonna kick it like rock death.

95. You hear me, you stupid little jerks?

96. - Hey! - Dude, you're not gonna do anything.

97. - We're gonna do our song. We're gonna do it how we want. - Oh, yeah?

98. - We're gonna make our audience happy. - Oh, yeah?

99. - And you're not gonna get in our way! - Oh, yeah?

100. Our audience wants to be happy, right?

101. So we're gonna do a nice song for everyone!

102. And everyone's gonna smile or I'm gonna come kick your ass myself!

103. - You're dead. - Yeah, we're gonna be real happy on your ass.

104. We're gonna get real happy on your ass, buddy.

105. Hey, get a load of this!

106. You want happy, buddy? You got it, buster!

107. Not unlike pink floyd's "the dark side of the moon"

108. And "the wizard of oz,"

109. The prodigy's "the fat of the land"

110. Perfectly replaces the soundtrack

111. Of "free willy 2."

112. Wow.

113. Are you still suffering from sleepwalking?

114. Uh, I don't know. Am I?

115. Well, I don't know.

116. What are all these tires doing in the kitchen?

117. Oh.

118. I think you've been sleepwalking

119. And taking all the tires off our neighbors' cars.

120. - Yeah, I dream that I'm in the army and I— - take tires off cars?

121. - Yeah. - Is that what you did in the army?

122. Well, no, but we used tires to exercise with.

123. how do you exercise with a tire?

124. Have you ever picked up a tire?

125. - No. - They're heavy.

126. Oh, okay, I think we gotta go to precious roy now.

127. Hello there, friends,

128. And welcome to the precious roy home shopping network.

129. - I'm olly. - Hi, I'm sifl.

130. We are the spokesmen, as you know,

131. For the precious roy line of quality products.

132. Today, mom and dad, get the kids.

133. They're not gonna believe this one, okay?

134. - We all love pets, right? I love 'em. - Yeah. Yeah.

135. But we also know they can be a bit of a problem.

136. - Right, guys? - You know about the problems I have with pets.

137. Yeah, you got some serious-ass pet problems, man!

138. With the precious roy's lice monkeys,

139. All your problems are over.

140. They're quiet. No messes. Never run away.

141. Okay, guys, these aren't gonna chew up your newspaper.

142. They're gonna start writing their own newspaper, okay?

143. You're gonna grow whole civilizations

144. In a glass of water.

145. And you can watch them go to school in the morning

146. With the free magnifying lens, not included.

147. Watch them get married, folks. Let's take some calls.

148. This is incred— I'm overwhelmed.

149. Yeah, we got hear what's on the street about this.

150. Hello, I'm a scientist,

151. And I was wondering how big these things'll get.

152. 'cause quite frankly, I just— I just don't see them.

153. Okay, when was the last time

154. You had your eyes examined, okay, buddy?

155. I think you guys are trying to push plankton

156. On us good people.

157. If you looked harder, you'd see the truth.

158. Look with your heart. Get your eyes checked.

159. Next call.

160. Oh, my god, 911?

161. My son accidentally drank

162. An entire glass full of lice monkeys,

163. Oh, my god, did you call a vet? Did you call a vet?

164. No!

165. Okay, what you're gonna need to do

166. Is make an incision from your son's chin

167. All the way down his stomach, okay?

168. But he'll die. I can't do that?

169. What's more important, huh?

170. Your son or millions upon millions of civilizations?

171. I see your point. I'll do it.

172. I'll do it, thank you.

173. Now, folks,

174. These lice monkeys are your friends.

175. They want into your homes.

176. They need you to start their lives.

177. They're waiting for you.

178. Let's take a little talk with precious roy about it.

179. Precious roy.

180. This is precious roy!

181. And I just ate a handful of honeybees!

182. Precious, what about the lice monkeys

183. We're trying to sell here?

184. Buy my soda taffy!

185. Pre— oh— precious, we're on the air

186. Trying to sell your lice monkeys.

187. You're on the air? Suckers!

188. Ready, captain?

189. I'm ready to take calls from the public.

190. Okay, cool, just pick up your phone and yell into them,

191. - And you should get through. - To us.

192. Okay, caller, go ahead.

193. - Hey, you guys dig chicks? - Sifl: Yes, sir.

194. Yeah, well, I dig them an awful lot. I dig 'em.

195. They just don't dig on you.

196. No, they don't. They just don't.

197. Why did you sing that?

198. Sing what, partner? You crazy son of a bitch.

199. - Listen to my story— - what's your question?

200. My question is I want to know why I'll be out with a girl

201. And then I take her home. I take her home.

202. Me neither.

203. Exactly the kind of guy that makes it hard

204. For me to find girls

205. Because they're a wreck after they go out with you.

206. I'm your nightmare.

207. Oh, god, all right, next caller.

208. Uh, hi, my atm card only gives me monopoly money.

209. Why?

210. W-well, I don't know.

211. It's just giving me all this—

212. Well, what does it look like, your card?

213. Well, let me see. Let me get it.

214. It, um— it's yellow, and it says "community chest."

215. Why do you think that's an atm card?

216. Well, it's shaped like an atm card.

217. Are you sure you're not just playing monopoly?

218. I don't know. What's the difference?

219. - The difference is not important. - I don't know.

220. But the, uh—

221. You're exactly the type of guy that makes girls

222. Not like to go out with me

223. Because they're a wreck after they go out with you.

224. Okay, next caller.

225. That's just you, dude.

226. This is your landlord!

227. - Oh, god. - Yeah? What do you want?

228. Two words— frickin' monkeys, you hear me?

229. Hey, they're gone!

230. Yeah, I want them out of there, you hear me?

231. They're still there.

232. - No. - No, we took 'em back.

233. But they came back.

234. You're liars! Both of you!

235. No, they came back because we let them stay up late.

236. Either they go or you go, okay?

237. Hey, you just— you just try to come over.

238. - And you'll see what— - you'll see what 60 watch-monkeys will do to you.

239. Yeah, let's get out of here anyways.

240. This guy bums me out.

241. - See you guys. We'll be back. - All right.

242. Chester's here today. And we're gonna talk to him.

243. Chester's here. Hi, chester.

244. Hey, how's it going?

245. - It's going pretty good. - Yeah.

246. Um, so, uh...

247. Let's talk about your past.

248. Um...

249. You were born in las vegas, right?

250. yeah.

251. So what?

252. Oh, nothing, we're just trying to learn about you, man.

253. All right.

254. Um... And whenever you were a little boy,

255. You were put in—

256. You were raised by a dance— a tap-dancing troupe?

257. Yeah, they kind of consider themselves a tribe.

258. So it's a tap-dancing tribe that you were raised by.

259. Yeah.

260. They had rhythm.

261. Well, actually, I learned, um—

262. When I was about 15, I used to sit on the roulette tables,

263. And I got an amazing sense of rhythm

264. From that thing rippling across my ass.

265. I'll bet.

266. The answer after the break.

267. Certain notes in mariah carey's high range

268. Have actually been known to make dolphins

269. Abduct and eat small children.

270. - Olly: Whoa. - Sifl: Yeah.

271. Have you driven the new 3-d barbie van?

272. No, I haven't driven one.

273. All toys are— all the toys are going holographic.

274. In the future, everything's gonna be holographic.

275. So what— I mean, what do you buy?

276. Just a holograph?

277. All you buy— all you buy is the base, the stand.

278. That's gotta be really heavy.

279. It is, it's huge, and then that—

280. - All your toys are produced through holograms. - The stand.

281. Holograms— everything is gonna be a hologram.

282. So you can't touch anything, though.

283. - You just look at it. - In the future—

284. No, in the future, you won't touch anything

285. Because everything will be a hologram.

286. But you can get a lot more things.

287. - You just won't be able to touch them. - Right, they're holograms.

288. Okay, we got to take an interview now.

289. Here's an interview.

290. Yo.

291. Hey.

292. - Hip-hop. - How's it going?

293. Okay, it's the interview part of the show,

294. And today's interview through the ecstasy of technology

295. Is via satellite to the moon,

296. - Which we're really excited about. - Yeah.

297. We're going to go to the moon

298. And visit with our contest winners

299. Of the sifl and olly free access to the moon contest.

300. You might've seen that. These are the winners.

301. They've won three years in space to do whatever they want.

302. There's no mission. Total freedom.

303. And you got to remember, these are three dudes

304. From ohio university

305. That are just kind of crazy to begin with.

306. Yeah, they're not even trained astronauts.

307. And I mean, up there, there's so much—

308. You can joyride.

309. You can do whatever you want up there.

310. Yeah, and these guys are having fun up there.

311. - Yeah, and there's no cops up there. - Not on the moon.

312. There's no cops. So rock, you know what I mean?

313. So any second, we should be getting

314. The transmission coming in.

315. They they should be cutting in any second now,

316. But this is going to be— this is going to be good.

317. This is going to be exciting. Oh.

318. Champs 1. This is champs.

319. - Yes, you're on— - these are the champs 1 calling.

320. Is this "the sifl and olly show"?

321. Yes, you're on the show. You made it.

322. Yeah, we just made it to the moon about 20 minutes ago.

323. We were in the galaxy of n-tobbin.

324. - Yeah, okay, everybody— - we went to a theme park there.

325. We went on the roller coasters, and then after that,

326. We battled the planet with our robot zentar.

327. We destroyed the whole planet within 22 minutes, calamity—

328. That's great. That's great.

329. You see, everybody, we sent a group who won

330. The sifl and olly contest to the moon,

331. So we were going to talk to them—

332. April 1, is this April 1?

333. - Yes, you're on the show. You're on the show. - Thank you.

334. Are you enjoying it up there?

335. We just made contact with a new creature.

336. Are you okay up there?

337. We're just going to be in a little trouble.

338. Help.

339. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what's—

340. - Can you tell—

341. I don't know what's going on up there.

342. I am being transformed into a giant asparagus.

343. Dip me.

344. Hey, come in here. Come on.

345. What?

346. Come in here. This is "calls from the public."

347. Yeah, okay. I was getting a drink of water.

348. - Oh, really? - Listen to how much water I drank.

349. - Wow, that's really cool. - Yeah.

350. - Yeah, okay. - Oh, yeah, calls from the public.

351. Here we go. First caller. Caller, go ahead.

352. Uh, yeah, I'm having bit of a problem in the bathroom.

353. - Oh, yeah? - What number?

354. What number?

355. Yeah, like, one or two or...

356. Uh... Three?

357. - Three? - What's three?

358. Don't make me say it. It's so embarrassing.

359. - Say what? What's three? - I don't know what three is.

360. Shaving.

361. No, that's totally normal.

362. - Yeah, don't worry, buddy. - Really?

363. Yeah, that's just part of a man's cycle.

364. It happens once a month. Don't worry about it, really.

365. Totally— totally normal.

366. So I'm not weird? No, it's natures way.

367. Oh, thank you.

368. - Sure, no problem. - See you later, pal.

369. Okay, let's take another call. Caller, go ahead.

370. Yeah, what is 900 minus 400?

371. 500.

372. Okay, and what is 20 plus 20?

373. 40.

374. - Okay, and just one more— - wait, what is this about?

375. What are you doing? Why are you asking us?

376. I'm in math class right now.

377. We're giving you answers to your test?

378. I just thought I'd call and get some answers.

379. - You can't do that. That's cheating. - That's cheating.

380. Oh, the teacher's coming. I gotta go.

381. Oh, jeez, okay.

382. Hey, everybody, welcome to the end of the show.

383. Dude, you're just going to have to—

384. - I know. - You're just going to have to piece yourself together, man.

385. I can't believe it.

386. I mean, she just ripped me apart.

387. Dude, that's rock 'n roll, man.

388. - Yeah, I mean— - you know how it is on the road, dude.

389. Yeah, I mean, you think these girls

390. Want something more from you, and all they want from you

391. - Is that your— - they just want the limo.

392. - They want the rock. - They want the rock.

393. - Yeah, - then they wanna rock all night.

394. They want the wine.

395. It's tough.

396. But you know what, dude? Comes with the package.

397. 'cause that's rock 'n roll, dude.

398. You're right, dude.

399. okay, ladies and gentlemen,

400. Here's sifl and olly.

401. Wow, you actually did it right.

402. - Hi, everybody, welcome to the show.

403. And— what the hell's that?

404. Oh, that's my cell phone. Let me get it.

405. Dude you turned your cell phone on and brought it in here?

406. No, I just never turned off.

407. I always keep it on.

408. You shouldn't bring it on the show, dude, 'cause what are you

409. Going to do, take a call?

410. Yeah, well, we take calls from the public.

411. We have an interview, folks, here it is.

412. Hello, and welcome to the interview part of the show.

413. Today we've got delixis urbanya who invented favorite flavored

414. Fuzz— olly?

415. - Hmm? - He cancelled.

416. - He cancelled? - Yeah, he left—

417. - Did you get someone new? - No. No. He cancelled.

418. - He left me a message— - why didn't you tell me he cancelled?

419. He left me a message at like 1:00 today.

420. - I don't know, I mean— - why didn't you tell me?

421. I— I'm telling you right now.

422. I never heard the phone ring.

423. Yeah, well, he called early.

424. Oh, yeah, like 2:00 in the aft—

425. You turned the ringer off again, didn't you?

426. I was not up at 2:00 in—

427. I was up before 2:00 in the afternoon.

428. What time did you get up? 1:45.

429. - N— no. - Okay, what time did you get up then?

430. I don't— don't ask me what time I get up!

431. We're on tv!

432. I don't care if we're on tv.

433. The point is you turn off the ringer every morning—

434. No, we're on tv, you're talking about our ringer.

435. You're talking about what time I get up.

436. People are cancelling and you're you're not even telling me,

437. - And we go on television with nobody. - Now we have the interview time

438. To do something, so you got anything in mind?

439. Yeah, I want to fight you right now,

440. And I want to change the channel to something different

441. - And beat your ass! - Yeah, get your ass out of my face.

442. God... I feel like crap.

443. Gosh, my head is killing me.

444. where am I?

445. Where— where am I?

446. Am I wearing ski boots?

447. Oh, they're anti-gravity boots.

448. Okay, I— I gotta go home.

449. I just— look, I don't know what happened last night,

450. But let's just pretend the whole thing didn't happen, okay?

451. I mean, you're really furry and everything.

452. I kind of like that, but—

453. Excuse me.

454. Did I— did I eat raw bacon last night?

455. I— I gotta go.

456. I mean, I really gotta go.

457. Um, what did you say your name was?

458. Oh. Oh, not again.

459. And today, we're gonna recap— I don't know—

460. - What the hell was that? - It's the phone.

461. - You turned it back on now. - You told me you got mad when I turned it off.

462. So you turned it back on during the show.

463. Yeah, I didn't want to miss any calls.

464. - How did you—

465. So you're giving the number— the number of the phone here

466. - Out to people? - Sure, how are people—

467. You can't be doing that, dude.

468. - How are my friends gonna call me?

469. - What? During the show? - Any time.

470. You give them your home number, not here number.

471. - This is my home number.

472. I have my cell phone, and that's too expensive

473. For people to call me on that.

474. I'd rather have them call me here.

475. - I can't believe you.

476. Well, hmm.

477. No, you can't make me!

478. You can't make me... Answer the phone.

479. Find out in a minute.

480. Good evening and welcome to the news.

481. My name is sifl.

482. Tonight we're going to be having a weather repor—

483. No, way, no, the weather girl's out.

484. She can't do anything. No way.

485. She did me.

486. Hi, this is anita zest.

487. I don't know what the weather's like now,

488. But last night was so hot, wasn't it, olly?

489. - I guess. - I wrote some poems for you, baby.

490. Hey, look, it is unethical to date the weather girl.

491. - What about you and serena? - I miss you.

492. But that's different, we were on a totally different level.

493. - Oh, baby, I can't wait. - Yeah, right.

494. There are gonna be some changes made around here.

495. - Good night, folks, thank you.

496. If you remove the gem on gwen stefani's head,

497. She will deflate like a punctured love doll.

498. Just take a word like "onion," okay?

499. - Okay. - Okay, you got the word "onion."

500. Which you know, I hate onions.

501. I know, but just— this is gonna prove the point.

502. You hate onions, too, though, don't you?

503. - Yeah. - Okay.

504. But if you— this'll totally prove my point.

505. - If you take the word "onion." - mm.

506. - Take the first letter. - Yeah.

507. - Take the last letter. - Okay.

508. See? It spells "on."

509. Oh, yeah. So that's why—

510. So the first letter of every noun

511. And the last letter of every noun,

512. - When you put them together— - spell "on."

513. No, it's a preposition. That's what a preposition is.

514. Wow, what about, uh...

515. "about."

516. "about" is a preposition.

517. - Okay. - And that would be "at," which is another preposition.

518. - Ah. - Okay.

519. - And now precious roy. - Time for precious roy.

520. Hello there, folks, and welcome

521. To the precious roy home shopping network.

522. We're gonna offer you the type of quality

523. - You can only get from a precious roy product. - A precious roy product.

524. Now are you one of those alternative types?

525. - Yes. - Sure, you are.

526. You had piercings years before anybody else did.

527. But you know what, folks, seriously?

528. Some of us are running into some piercing problems.

529. Oh, you know about my problems with piercing.

530. That's right, dude, you've had

531. Some serious-ass piercing problems, haven't you?

532. Yeah, I have.

533. You've pierced every square inch of your body.

534. Where you going to go?

535. One more hole, you're going to be leaking.

536. Blood or— or urine.

537. Where do you go from here, folks?

538. Your pets.

539. The precious roy pet piercer.

540. Now we know aren't only our friends.

541. They are our accessories.

542. It's time to start utilizing the piercing possibilities.

543. I'd— sifl, I would love to see a donkey with earrings.

544. Oh, me too, well, you know,

545. Bulls had nose rings years before anybody else did.

546. That's right, it's time that you're pets

547. Pay for your personality.

548. Let's take some calls.

549. Yeah, hi, I have everything on my body pierced.

550. I mean, everything is pierced.

551. Terrific, so this is your kind of product then, right?

552. Well, yeah, it's crescent fresh,

553. But I have a pet snake, and I pierced his tongue.

554. - Okay. - Okay.

555. - And he's having some troubles. - Really, what's wrong?

556. Well, he can't retract his tongue into his mouth,

557. And sliding around running into things.

558. That's too bad, but what's the reaction you get

559. When your friends when you're with the pet?

560. Well, they say he looks great.

561. - Sifl: Well, terrific. - Thank you!

562. Let's take another call. Caller?

563. Old Yes, I was calling about your pet piercers.

564. - Yes, do you like them? - I think they're terrible.

565. Makes good-looking pets look like slackers.

566. Hate those types.

567. - Let me ask you this, you old hag— - what?

568. Do you put little sweaters and things on your dogs?

569. Of course I dress up poochie and mulacho all the time.

570. What's the difference, huh? Accessorize.

571. Get with it. You're old. Enough said.

572. Now, folks, the pet piercers are for you.

573. They're for your home. They're for the pets. Style.

574. Let's talk with precious roy, precious?

575. This is precious roy.

576. And the kids in the park think I'm a weirdo.

577. What about the pet piercers, precious?

578. Buy my antifreeze.

579. What?

580. You guys are suckers!

581. You ready? Stop meditating.

582. - Okay, hi, everybody. - Why.

583. You know, pop music you might think

584. Is the most popular in the world, but actually,

585. - It's world music. - World music.

586. - That's the most popular in the world. - Definitely.

587. So we want to share and sort of broaden

588. The whole music spectrum on this channel

589. And really open up the ancient language

590. Of the tubacclian monks and show you

591. The severe karmic energy that can be opened up

592. In the ancient language.

593. Yeah, we took a trip about four months ago to the east indies

594. And met up with this crazy tribe, and they—

595. - And it was a tribe— - the elders—

596. Yeah, the elders taught us the—

597. Taught us song through carvings and severe stillness.

598. It was intense. Let's do it for them.

599. It takes a little bit of appreciation,

600. - But listen up. - Okay, you ready?

601. Remember your purity will transcend

602. Through your whole life

603. And maybe in your urine for like three or four days.

604. hello, everybody.

605. - Hi. - Does my breath smell?

606. - Yes. - I need to brush my teeth.

607. Yeah, you need to take some calls from the public.

608. Yeah, this is "calls from the public."

609. - Okay, caller? - Caller?

610. - Go a... - Head.

611. Yeah, sifl and olly?

612. - That's us. - Yeah.

613. Yeah, I just want to let your viewers know

614. That there is a $75 million inside a tree in kent, ohio.

615. - Okay. - Thanks. Why are you telling us that?

616. Well, I'm in jail, and I was bad,

617. And now they're not going to let me out.

618. And so whoever wants it, it's yours.

619. Okay, what are you in jail for?

620. Uh, counterfeit...

621. - Counterfeiting. - Olly: Oh, man.

622. And— and, uh. Molesting trees.

623. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

624. Great, great.

625. Okay, well, how about a new color?

626. Caller, go ahead.

627. Uh, yeah, I have twins,

628. And I have reason to believe that my daughters

629. Are experimenting with black magic.

630. - Wow. - That's kind of cute.

631. Well, it's not really.

632. They seem to be all-knowing almost.

633. It's really strange.

634. You know that twins are pretty psychic.

635. No, I mean they got, like, my soul in this crystal,

636. And a keep me in this jar.

637. It's bad. It's very bad.

638. It's getting out of hand, what's your question, really?

639. Well, for— for their birthday, they asked for a pony.

640. Deep voice: Get us a pony!

641. Sifl and olly: Get them the pony.

642. Okay, let's take another call. Caller, go ahead.

643. Hi, my name's abe lincoln.

644. - Hey, abe, what's up, man? - Hey.

645. Not much, how you guys doing?

646. I got a brain-rattling question for you little buster brocks.

647. I go out, I get teased all the time.

648. I'm always getting teased. I think it's the name.

649. - Yeah. - Your name's abe lincoln?

650. Yeah, apparently he's some big dude in our history.

651. Why don't you get your name changed?

652. Well, I thought about that,

653. But I think the problem really is the beard.

654. - What beard? - You don't have a beard, man.

655. Yeah, but when I go out, I wear the beard.

656. - I would steer clear of all beards and hats. - And parties.

657. That's not really the advice I was looking for.

658. Maybe I'll try someone else.

659. - Okay, thanks, man, see you. - Cool.

660. - Wow. - Oh, well, we tried.

661. Yeah, we tried a lot.

662. - See you, guys. - See you all later, bye.

663. Hi, everybody, this is the part of the show

664. Where we talk to chester.

665. - Hey, man. - Hey. Heads up.

666. Did you have a good time at the donut store this morning?

667. Yeah, yeah, it was really cool.

668. - You were a real regular down there now. - Yeah.

669. Sifl told me that they're going to be

670. Naming a doughnut after you.

671. You got a doughnut named after you?

672. Yeah, it was kind of designed—

673. It was kind of designed after me, you know?

674. - So it's going to be the chester. - Yeah, yeah.

675. So what's it like?

676. It's packed full of creams and jellies.

677. oh, just like you.

678. Yeah.

679. - What— - I'm kind of flexible, you know?

680. Yeah, what do have to do to get a doughnut named after you?

681. Well, I, uh— drank a cup of coffee.

682. I was underwater when I did it.

683. Wow, that's difficult.

684. Yeah, it takes— takes good— good lips and suction.

685. all right, chester, thanks a lot.

686. Sure.

687. Stick around for the answer.

688. No, but if the members of sugar ray

689. Were bird-shaped and had hollow bones,

690. They could fly.

691. - Sifl: I guess they could. - Olly: Mm-hmm.

692. So by this time, it's 3:00 in the morning,

693. And there's only two of us left,

694. And we found two of the hidden passageways,

695. Two of the rotating doors.

696. One was a bookcase.

697. The third one ends up that it's in the oven.

698. Yeah, in the oven. I've heard of that before.

699. Yeah, it's the back coil. It looks like a coil.

700. You turn it, and the door swings open,

701. - And then that takes you down into the lower tunnels. - Wow.

702. So this whole place was just filled with secret passageways.

703. And you were the only two there.

704. Yeah, we were there till about 5:00 in the morning.

705. - Just walking— - I got blisters.

706. - Those tunnels go all over the city, don't they? - Yeah.

707. Oh, we've got to take an interview now, folks.

708. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the show.

709. My name's sifl, and this is the part of the show

710. Where we have interviews, but today,

711. We don't have an interview.

712. We don't have any money to get an interview.

713. We seem to have blown all the money in the budget somehow,

714. And we really can't afford to book anyone else.

715. Olly was gonna try to figure something out,

716. - And he's not back, so maybe I can just— - woo-hoo! I got it!

717. - You got it? You rock, man. - Uh-huh.

718. I got all the money. We're set.

719. We're gonna have the coolest show.

720. Thank god. How did you do it, man?

721. How'd you pull it off?

722. I sold all of your teeth.

723. And it's this excellent contract.

724. - It's all signed with this agency. - Wait, wait, wait.

725. Why are you selling my teeth? What's wrong with your teeth?

726. You're the dude that's spending all the money

727. Hiring full-time ice sculptors

728. And all this stupid stuff we don't need.

729. So they're your teeth. So I sold all your teeth.

730. We're set on money now.

731. But, dude, my teeth are in my mouth.

732. No, all you got to do is go to bed tonight.

733. That's all you got to worry about.

734. And they'll leave the money in a suitcase

735. Under your pillow in the morning, that's it.

736. It's a package deal. They pull and everything.

737. I don't like this.

738. And this is not gonna fly with my lawyer.

739. Hi, sifl.

740. H— how'd you—

741. Why— how did you know to come here?

742. I'm the tooth fairy.

743. I came for your teeth.

744. I heard that... I get to keep them...

745. From my lawyer.

746. Well, my lawyer told me to come down here

747. Because I'm the tooth fairy.

748. And I came for your teeth, okay?

749. Okay, well how about, um...

750. Look, just give me your damn teeth, okay?

751. And then I'll go, okay?

752. I can't— no, I'm not gonna do it.

753. Give me your damn teeth, that's it.

754. I'm gonna take your teeth, and then I'm gonna go.

755. And you'll hear from my lawyer tomorrow otherwise,

756. And I don't think you want to meet my lawyer.

757. I think you don't want to meet my lawyer.

758. I think you don't want to meet my lawyer.

759. I think...

760. You're a cheap ho.

761. Hi, everybody, welcome to the almost end of the show.

762. - And— - yeah, I cannot look at this guy any longer.

763. - You guys can't see this, but our cameraman jimmy... - Jimmy.

764. His head is about the size of a basketball.

765. - Nice going, jimmy.

766. He had to go to the dentist today.

767. Had some serious dentist work done.

768. His head is huge.

769. Well, it's his own fault because he eats candy all the time.

770. He always has a sucker in his mouth.

771. Hey, jimmy, you like donuts, don't you?

772. - Oh, man. - Oh...

773. You know, he's going to learn his lesson.

774. I know.