Shrinking 2x3

1. - This all right? - Yeah.

2. There you go. Nice work.

3. Stop chirping at me and let me fucking do it.

4. Hey, Donny.

5. What are you doing here, dipshit?

6. Thanks for asking.

7. What, are you on fucking break? Give me a hand.

8. So listen, the DA is gonna file her charges on Grace today,

9. and I was thinking that maybe you might wanna, I don't know, drop 'em.

10. Look, I know what you're thinking.

11. "Why would I do that? She pushed me off a fucking cliff."

12. What's with that voice?

13. That's how you sound in my head.

14. Look, I mentioned to the DA that there's a history of abuse

15. and I'm betting I'm not gonna be the only one who says that.

16. So maybe dropping these charges is a win-win.

17. Fuck you.

18. You got any second thoughts?

19. Fuck you again.

20. I feel like you're really still stuck on that first thought.

21. You and this bitch are both wasting my time.

22. Okay. Wheel safe.

23. I hope he doesn't get better.

24. I hear you.

25. I still feel like that's wildly inappropriate.

26. I just hate him so much.

27. Quite a letter.

28. A lot of f-bombs.

29. Well, it's not to my congresswoman. It's to my guy who killed my mom.

30. It was Summer's suggestion.

31. She's my new life guru.

32. Wasn't she hospitalized once for swallowing a dryer sheet?

33. Yeah. But that's just 'cause she thought it would help her pass a Breathalyzer.

34. Makes sense.

35. Well, how did you feel writing this?

36. A little better.

37. I still can't get that guy out of my head though.

38. So I went to his house.

39. You what?

40. I didn't talk to him or anything. I just... I don't know.

41. Lately, I feel like my brain is about to explode.

42. That's what I'm here for.

43. I'm not saying you can't talk to him someday,

44. but that takes work, and it never turns out the way you want.

45. Promise me you won't go see this guy again.

46. Yeah, I get it.

47. Jesus, say it! Say you promise.

48. I promise.

49. I'm having a strange déjà vu.

50. - Hi, Alice. - Hey.

51. Thanks for coming here today. He's got a stiff leg.

52. Here's a heating pad, cowboy.

53. Thank you.

54. Not in front of the kid.

55. Adopt me.

56. Be my grandparents.

57. All right. Don't forget to take your pills to work.

58. I wasn't gonna forget them.

59. I was.

60. Holy shit. Sean, this is, like, change-your-life amazing.

61. You should be so fricking proud of yourself.

62. - Thanks, Gaby. It means a lot. - Wow.

63. - What, do you need a compliment too? - Yeah.

64. - But you don't cook? - No.

65. - Do you drive the truck? - Too scary.

66. - Do you do food prep? - What's food prep?

67. I'm just gonna assume that you're terrible at customer service.

68. I don't really like people.

69. Okay. Your hair looks lustrous today.

70. Thank you.

71. - We did it. - We did.

72. Okay. I'm gonna tear this up and I'm also not paying.

73. - So, thanks for the free food, suckers. - All right.

74. - Bye. - See ya.

75. You got ketchup on your hand, man.

76. Could I trouble you for a napkin?

77. Three bucks.

78. I'm joking.

79. - All right. - Dad?

80. Sean? Hey.

81. Sean, what's up?

82. What's up, buddy?

83. So, you quit the job with me to work at a food truck?

84. He's actually an owner.

85. I was gonna tell you.

86. But I wanted to wait until it got on its feet.

87. You guys want me to make you some food?

88. Maybe next time. We already ate.

89. I had three triple cheeseburgers.

90. That's disgusting.

91. This is really great.

92. I don't even know what to say.

93. Wow.

94. All right. Well, we should get going.

95. - You ready, G? All right. - Yeah.

96. - See you, Dad. - Yeah. I'll check you out next time.

97. - Bye, Sean. - Later, Graham.

98. So nice to see family.

99. I still can't believe you didn't tell me about you and Gaby.

100. Is there any chance you just let this go?

101. There is not.

102. Okay.

103. - Hey, Grace. - Hi, how are you?

104. That's it? I'm used to you guys trying to boost my spirits every time you see me.

105. - There she is! Miss Incarceration. - Queen of the jail!

106. Orange is the new snack.

107. Okay. We can be done.

108. So, the DA should be deciding about final charges soon.

109. If she goes with aggravated assault, it might only be eight months.

110. But if it's second-degree attempted murder,

111. it could be up to five years.

112. It makes no difference to me.

113. No difference?

114. Eight months, you sublet your apartment, maybe try bangs.

115. Goes by like that.

116. Five years, though would also go by super fast.

117. I should take this.

118. You know, I've been working with Brian to connect with any of your friends

119. who might be willing to give character witness statements.

120. You would be blown away by how many people want to help.

121. Yeah.

122. My sister Jennie flew in. I didn't even ask her to come.

123. Okay. Thanks.

124. So, because of the history of abuse and Donny's multiple felony arrests,

125. they don't believe they could get a conviction.

126. So, the state's decided not to pursue charges.

127. This is amazing!

128. I did it! I won!

129. - You didn't really do anything— - I don't care. I'm counting it.

130. This is so fucked.

131. I mean, there's no punishment for ruining another human being's life?

132. I deserve to be punished.

133. No, you don't.

134. I agree with your sister, Grace.

135. Look, what you really need to do is—

136. Please don't start again with this "forgive myself" bullshit.

137. I know you think that's where I was headed,

138. but it was. That's where I was headed.

139. Listen, Grace.

140. I know it's gonna take time, but you will forgive yourself.

141. No, I won't.

142. Because every time I close my eyes, I picture the way he looked after he fell.

143. His legs were, like, wrapped around his neck like a scarf.

144. Painful but cozy.

145. Stop helping.

146. Grace, it's not healthy for you to stay here.

147. Just go back to Vancouver with Jennie.

148. But I can't do that because all my stuff is at Donny's.

149. Brian will get your stuff.

150. I will?

151. You said you had to go get him to sign the divorce papers.

152. True. In the time it takes him to sign a paper,

153. I should be able to pack up a woman's entire life.

154. If you do this, I will let you throw away

155. three items of clothing of mine that you hate.

156. Deal. Take off that sweater.

157. My dad gave me this sweater.

158. Because he realized how ugly it was?

159. - Because he died. - No, he didn't.

160. Grace. We're gonna get you through this.

161. Okay.

162. Pants too.

163. Hey, Paul.

164. - Hey, Gaby. - Hey, Gaby.

165. Nope.

166. You stopped sleeping together. Shocker.

167. With you two, my money was on forever.

168. I expect you to be civil.

169. - Would you like some coffee? - Suck my dick, you big dumb bitch.

170. She's not following the rules, Paul.

171. Hey, sexy.

172. Do you want to buy some drugs?

173. I can only pay with my body.

174. You know, I feel like you forgot these on purpose.

175. Since I'm here, maybe I should just shift into neurologist mode

176. and make sure that you're eating right.

177. Get that mode, girl. That is so hot.

178. That's not my ice cream. That's Jimmy's.

179. No, it's not.

180. See? Bad dude. Never has your back.

181. Into the garbage.

182. I gotta run.

183. You still okay to meet Elliot tomorrow?

184. - Yeah, I'm ready. - Okay.

185. Who's Elliot?

186. - Her husband. - Oh, damn.

187. You little hussy.

188. Are you going to visit his grave or...

189. No, Jimmy. Not everyone's spouse is dead.

190. Oh, my gosh. Is this like a throuple sitch?

191. 'Cause if not, you guys looking for a tall, Black, sexy third?

192. Please.

193. He's got dementia.

194. He lives in a care facility.

195. That's a lot, Paul.

196. Just know I'm here if you need me.

197. Wow. So you can consider other people's feelings.

198. - Play nice. - No problem, Paul.

199. She's doing it again, Paul.

200. Grow up, Jimmy.

201. Grow up, Jimmy.

202. Well, now she's taunting me with dance.

203. You don't want the dance, keep it in your pants.

204. That's a good rhyme.

205. Damn.

206. Look at all those curls.

207. It's like watching two Cabbage Patch Dolls going at it.

208. Hey, Dr. Evans.

209. - Sorry. He's a kisser. - All right.

210. Connor seems to have bounced back really quickly.

211. I can't believe how hard he's tonguing that girl down.

212. Liz lets him fuck here.

213. Chill out. I spoke to Summer's mom, she's fine with it.

214. My dad would have never let me do that.

215. God, white people are wild.

216. You know, it was nice meeting him today by the way.

217. It's too bad he came after the lunch rush.

218. Didn't get to see us killing it.

219. How about tomorrow, we just take the truck

220. - and go to where he works? - Yeah, cool.

221. Hey, guys. My dad wants to know if he can come over and hang?

222. No, he fucks up group dynamics.

223. Okay, yeah.

224. Aw, man.

225. I think I'm just gonna go for a little walk.

226. You can't hang out with his ass either, D-Train.

227. Yes, ma'am.

228. Aw, man.

229. Listen, Donny is violent and unpredictable.

230. So, let's just get in and out.

231. So, now you have no problem telling people about going in and out.

232. Friends are supposed to tell each other who they're sleeping with.

233. I shared my location on the Find My Dick app.

234. It's supposed to make your phone buzz every time I climb onto someone.

235. Okay. Quit pretending you're a top.

236. What do you two fuck nuts want?

237. We're here to get Grace's stuff,

238. and we need you to sign the divorce papers.

239. Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen today.

240. Let me check with my new nurse.

241. Babe?

242. Grace, what the hell are you doing here?

243. - I was gonna call you— - To say fuck off and don't come back.

244. Sorry. Thank you for everything—

245. - Don't. - Sucks when people don't tell you stuff,

246. - doesn't it? - Brian.

247. And sometimes I'm a top. I just get tired.

248. Hi, handsome.

249. It's okay if you don't remember me.

250. You, sir, are the first man that I ever really loved.

251. And I want you to meet the second.

252. Hey there, Elliot.

253. Hi.

254. I want to tell you how much I appreciate your letting me date your wife.

255. I wish I could say that my intentions were pure—

256. Okay. I think that's enough.

257. Is it okay if I sit for a minute?

258. I'm Julie.

259. We're just gonna stay and chat with you for a little while. Okay?

260. There they are.

261. Not many men could have done that.

262. Some might call me a hero.

263. Those visits must be really hard on you.

264. Actually, it hasn't been so bad lately.

265. You know, in the years when I was taking care of him myself,

266. that was hard.

267. Just watching him disappear.

268. - Yeah. - Yeah.

269. Well, the last thing I wanna do is put you through all that again.

270. Oh, God.

271. What are you doing?

272. I'm just looking to see if balloons are gonna drop

273. because this is like the millionth time you've brought this up.

274. Look, you're already taking care of me

275. with the pills, the exercise, with Jimmy's ice cream that you threw away.

276. I'm only gonna get worse.

277. This is a completely different situation.

278. You're still gonna have what makes you you.

279. Hey. Oh, shit. I'll come back later.

280. No, please. I need you to weigh in on something.

281. Seriously? Yes.

282. - May I come back later? - No.

283. Have you noticed that when men get in a sticky situation

284. they make it all about themselves?

285. What did you do to my queen?

286. Thanks for weighing in.

287. Did you know that Paul actually didn't want me to go into academia,

288. and so he still hasn't asked me how my teaching's going?

289. - Is that true, Paul? - Is it true, Paul?

290. How's your teaching going?

291. No, it's too late.

292. You know why? 'Cause we're already mad at you.

293. And look, I don't know what it is exactly that you did.

294. But whatsonever you did, you need to get it together

295. before the best thing that ever happened to either of us

296. walks her perfect calves right on out the door.

297. Yeah, so whatever it is you need to figure out,

298. why don't you just figure it out and stop wasting my time.

299. Stop wasting her time. Okay?

300. What the hell just happened?

301. Thirty seconds ago, I was a hero.

302. You opened your mouth, dummy.

303. Delicious, right?

304. Gotta go to New Orleans to get a po'boy this legit.

305. Wow. The only time my dad was ever that proud of me

306. is when I didn't tell my mom he fucked the nanny.

307. That's a sweet story.

308. No, it's cool. I have a little sister. She's French.

309. Even if I didn't see you, I would have known this was your food.

310. Probably because I taught him.

311. Oh, come on.

312. I thought your mom taught you how to cook?

313. Nope, learned from the best.

314. That's cool.

315. This is a little tough for me.

316. You and I used to dream about doing something like this together.

317. Oh, man. That would have been cool if we had the chance.

318. But you know, Liz took an interest in me.

319. I can't bail on her.

320. No, I didn't mean... I respect that.

321. All right.

322. All right. Give it up for the food truck, what!

323. My son is very talented.

324. I gotta get my bag.

325. My mom's making me crash at home tonight.

326. She's pissed 'cause she thinks I took her Vicodin.

327. Which I did, but not to use it. Just to sell it.

328. - Of course. - Yeah.

329. Stay here with Alice. I can get it.

330. Thank you, baby.

331. You're my hero.

332. He's sweet and he can fuck?

333. I didn't know that was a thing.

334. I know you said you're cool with me and Connor.

335. But are you sure?

336. Oh, my God. Yeah.

337. 'Cause life has not been the greatest lately,

338. and this is making me really happy.

339. I'm so glad.

340. Seriously, you're like a dick Santa.

341. What?

342. Oh, my God.

343. That's real friendship.

344. Hey, Grace. It's me, again.

345. I know you think that this is the way to punish yourself, but it's not.

346. Just... Please call me back.

347. What kind of person chooses to walk back into a relationship

348. where they have to eat shit all day?

349. I don't know. I do it with you.

350. Grace is in crisis.

351. Are you really such a narcissist that you have to choose right now

352. to make it about you?

353. Yes. That's what narcissism is, Jimmy.

354. Having the courage to put yourself above others.

355. That's not what narcissism is.

356. Just this once, can you not do that thing?

357. That little thing you do where you take some tiny slight

358. and turn it into an existential indictment of our entire friendship.

359. If we met today, do you think we'd even be friends?

360. This is the thing. You're doing the thing.

361. Look, I get it. Back in college when we met, I was confused.

362. I was straight.

363. I was pretending to be someone you'd like.

364. We've been drifting for a while.

365. The last few years I was much closer to Tia—

366. Gonna bring up Tia now?

367. I forgot. You're like one of those plastic dolls,

368. someone pulls a string and you say, "My wife died. My wife died."

369. Jesus Christ.

370. Did you know that she used to come to my house for dinner every Wednesday

371. when you had your meetings with the weird heterosexual men's club?

372. It was pickup basketball.

373. Admit it. You don't know me anymore or anything about my life.

374. No, because it's not true.

375. Okay. What's my husband do for a living?

376. I do not like to reduce people to their occupations.

377. It's something handsome.

378. Fine. How old is Alice?

379. Age is just a number.

380. - What's the number? - Thirteen, 18, 16, 15...

381. - Stop me when I'm right. - Then say them in order.

382. - Okay. What's my sign? - Capriquarius.

383. Yes. I'm a Capriquarius. Nailed it.

384. Who are Alice's godparents?

385. Gaby. And that druggie she was married to.

386. You, Brian. You're her godfather.

387. Fuck.

388. I owe her some gifts.

389. Okay. How about a recent one?

390. What have I been saying over and over again was the best part of my honeymoon?

391. - All the fucking. - That was too easy!

392. Answer my question.

393. If we met today, would we even be friends?

394. - What, right now? - Yeah.

395. - Like, this second? Definitely not. - Yes.

396. - You think that's funny? - Yeah.

397. I should slap you.

398. Well, luckily for me, I do know you.

399. And you, my friend, don't have the guts to sl...

400. The door is locked back there, Brian. There's no way to get out!

401. Okay.

402. All right.

403. - Bye. - I love you.

404. Thanks for the ride.

405. Oh, no. You know the punishment if you don't say it back.

406. Please don't.

407. I love my daughter, Alice!

408. She's right there, everybody!

409. You loser. Your mom loves you.

410. Mama loves you!

411. I'm her mom.

412. Never forget your mommy loves you!

413. Hello?

414. Thanks for the ride.

415. Are you okay?

416. Yeah, just in my head.

417. Same shit. Can't let it go.

418. I love you.

419. - Bye. - Bye.

420. Okay, but, Jackie, I already had three Zooms with your psychopharmacologist

421. to figure out the best regimen to tackle your postpartum.

422. Why would you stop taking your meds?

423. Well, my friend Marissa said that antidepressants

424. can get into your booby milk.

425. Okay, well, she's obviously had extensive medical training

426. if she's using a phrase, "ya booby milk."

427. She's actually my chiropractor.

428. Okay.

429. I couldn't help it, I actually wrote "this bitch" in my notes.

430. And honestly, I didn't care too much for the baby either.

431. Babies are assholes.

432. - Grading papers? - Yep.

433. And this one is a D-minus, frowny face. Damn.

434. So, how's the teaching going?

435. It's a lot. I'm glad I'm doing it.

436. - Well, then, I'm glad too. - At least they have to listen to me.

437. And if they don't, I punish their asses for it.

438. That's the problem with being a therapist.

439. You can tell your patients exactly what to do.

440. Doesn't mean they're gonna listen.

441. - Do you think I'm selfish? - Yes.

442. Let me get into specifics.

443. Don't need 'em, but you can hit me.

444. I never thought I'd be excited to get up for work at 6:00 a.m.

445. The customers suck.

446. My hair smells like shrimp. Derek happens to love the smell of shrimp.

447. It's all bad.

448. But I love that truck.

449. Then what's the problem?

450. Well, the problem is that I think I wanna be a better person.

451. Sometimes.

452. Sometimes I don't give a shit.

453. We know.

454. It's just that now I know that Sean and his dad always wanted to do this together,

455. and I feel like I took that away from them.

456. Do you know what the theory of psychological egoism is?

457. - I'm gonna take that as a no. - No.

458. But it's basically this idea that all behavior is motivated by self-interest,

459. and that we are all actually inherently selfish people,

460. and we do pretty much whatever it is that makes us happy.

461. So, it's up to you to figure out where your joy lives.

462. Is it in doing stuff for other people?

463. Or is it in doing stuff for yourself?

464. - Well, that was useless. - Glad I could help.

465. Hey, Paul.

466. Derek. Liz's husband.

467. How much did you eat?

468. Not proud.

469. But I'm also a little proud.

470. Hey, Paul.

471. Good. I was just about to give my workshop on boundaries.

472. You'll be fine.

473. Derek, I need to borrow your car. I gotta go talk to somebody.

474. Cool. I'll Uber home.

475. I'd like you to get your steps.

476. When I get steps, I get a treat.

477. Has to be fruit though.

478. You can judge all you want. I'm happy.

479. I've been watching couples around us drop like flies for years.

480. Well, you've managed to build a nice life with someone who seems like a nightmare.

481. No offense.

482. She reminds me of me.

483. I'm prickly and stubborn, and that's before you add the Parkinson's.

484. Now, there's this woman, but she's been through a lot,

485. and I'm beginning to wonder what we're even doing.

486. Are you in love with this woman?

487. - We have to go there? - Yeah.

488. Fine.

489. I'm deeply in love.

490. The greatest gift.

491. You have to do whatever you can to protect it.

492. Look, for me, I just let the stuff that doesn't bother me bounce right off.

493. And if there's anything tricky that can be removed,

494. we just get it the heck out of there.

495. So I'll just remove the Parkinson's?

496. Great advice. Thanks.

497. You do remind me of Liz. Yeah.

498. Hey.

499. Are you into MMA?

500. What?

501. Cool sweatshirt.

502. - It's my mom's. - Well, cool mum then.

503. You want a coffee?

504. Okay. One very mediocre drip coming up.

505. Do you really not know who I am?

506. I'm sorry. No. I haven't been working here long.

507. Just thought you might...

508. because you killed my mom.

509. Can you cover for me?

510. Why? So you can run away?

511. No, I...

512. I wanna talk.

513. I...

514. How are you?

515. That was dumb. I'm sorry.

516. I always hoped I'd get the chance to speak to you someday.

517. I want to say I'm sorry.

518. I know that's not enough or not right. I don't know.

519. I can't imagine what you've been—

520. Shut up!

521. Shut the fuck up!

522. Okay.

523. Fuck you!

524. We should go to Marrakech.

525. Okay.

526. Hey, Liz. You wanted to talk?

527. Yep.

528. I have great news.

529. Hang on. I wanna see this.

530. Is this about the new merch?

531. I want us to wear shirts that say, "It's hard out here for a shrimp."

532. I'll take a large.

533. No, it is much better than that.

534. I sold my share of the truck to your dad.

535. Now you guys can do it together.

536. Thanks to psychological something-ism.

537. Are you insane?

538. Do you know how much shit I have with my dad?

539. But I heard you guys talking in the truck—

540. Here's a thought: Why not ask me?

541. Hey, now.

542. No. I was trying to do good. I will totally undo it.

543. So, then he'll know I don't wanna work with him?

544. This was our thing.

545. Sean, wait.

546. Nah. Fuck you, Liz.

547. Damn it!

548. Babe...

549. Thank you for coming.

550. I'm just glad you're here.

551. Yeah. Well, Jennie said she wouldn't speak to me

552. unless I gave you three minutes to say your piece.

553. Ready to start?

554. Time's going now? Okay. I gotta focus.

555. - We're going? - Now.

556. Okay.

557. So, believe it or not, Grace, I know exactly how you feel

558. because there is so much in my life that I need to forgive myself for.

559. And it's not coming easy.

560. There are some days I think it might not come at all.

561. But what I do know is that this shit with Donny,

562. it is a self-destructive stall. Please don't look at your watch.

563. - Just give me a li— - I gotta get back.

564. It's okay. It's what I deserve.

565. That's the noise that plays in my head whenever I come in to save the day.

566. Inappropriate? We're being somber?

567. No regrets. Worth it.

568. May I have the floor?

569. Can you promise not to slap anybody?

570. We'll have to see how this unfolds.

571. Grace.

572. I've been thinking about friendship

573. and about how friends are supposed to be the people who understand you

574. and who know what your husband does for a living.

575. But then I realized that I have been listening to your friends

576. make their character witness statements.

577. But you didn't get to hear them, and I think that you should.

578. This is from Kyra.

579. She said, "I met Grace in high school.

580. - I was new and lonely, and..." - And she saved me.

581. She looked out for the underdogs.

582. And with the whole Donny thing, I should have been looking out for her.

583. When I had a miscarriage last year, Grace took care of me all weekend.

584. I knew Donny would give her hell for it, but all she seemed to think about was me.

585. You know what annoys me about Grace? I—

586. Okay. We're not gonna do Denise.

587. There's always one.

588. She doesn't like that you're such a show-off at karaoke.

589. Well, she's right. I am.

590. You wanna read yours?

591. "I love my little sister more than anyone."

592. "I used to think I needed to protect her, because she is truly a light."

593. "Donny tried to snuff it out.

594. But in the end, her light was stronger than I ever could have imagined.

595. And I'm so glad it was."

596. Don't listen to me, Grace. Listen to them.

597. What do you say?

598. Did you consider the fact that it's inappropriate

599. for a doctor to date a patient?

600. - We did. - Yeah.

601. And then we decided we didn't give a shit.

602. Look, I don't really need a new doctor.

603. To be honest, Dr. Sykes, she's really a much better neurologist than you are.

604. That's very sweet, but also quite rude.

605. I wanna give Julie a chance to just be my girlfriend.

606. You think you can attend appointments as his partner

607. and not as the "world's best doctor"?

608. You'll never see me again.

609. I'll go get some intake forms.

610. - I like her. - Yeah, I can tell.

611. Which is why we are absolutely gonna find you an ugly old man instead.

612. No.

613. This will be good to keep you on your toes.

614. And besides, you're a much better kisser than she is.

615. - You got that straight. - Yeah.

616. That's the noise that plays in my head whenever I come home to see you.

617. Hey.

618. It's also your hero noise.

619. They're very similar.

620. - What's going on? - Jimmy came for dinner.

621. It's Wednesday, so I thought...

622. I thought we could start a new tradition.

623. Okay.

624. I was just saying how interesting it is that a Gemini like you

625. ended up with a management consultant like Charlie.

626. That is crazy.

627. I'm going to grab more wine.

628. Okay.

629. He's a management consultant?

630. That's what it says on his website.

631. He has a website?

632. Beaujolais-Village,

633. - 2019, for you to open, please. - Okay.

634. And will you please adorn the microgreens?

635. Which I believe in French means small greens.

636. Fuck! Fuck!

637. Hey.

638. My dad put his watch on me

639. and told me to walk around the block four times so he can eat some fruit.

640. - Are you all right? - No.

641. Don't make me talk. I don't wanna talk.

642. - I don't wanna talk. - It's okay. No, it's okay.

643. It's okay.

644. I'm here. I'm... What can I do?

645. Okay.

646. What do you...

647. Kiss me.