Shrinking 2x12

1. Gaby always gives me shit about my book.

2. This is the clearest, most concise volume ever written

3. about modern cognitive behavioral therapy.

4. That's nice. Who wrote that?

5. Nobody, I just thought I'd tell you.

6. How you doing?

7. Fuck.

8. Here we are. You know, I'm fine. I'm good.

9. You're a good therapist.

10. You already know what I'm gonna say.

11. Don't piss your pants.

12. I said good. Not great.

13. I know. But I feel like you meant great.

14. Maybe.

15. Look, kid, you're never gonna forgive yourself for shitting the bed as a father

16. until you bare your soul to Alice.

17. She might still blame you.

18. But it's the act of revelation that's healing.

19. That's how confession works.

20. Doesn't matter what Father MacDiddle says back.

21. It's about you admitting what you did and why it was wrong.

22. You know, I'm not gonna make Alice think that I'm suffering and it's her fault.

23. It's not gonna happen.

24. Okay.

25. What the fuck, man? That's it?

26. For now.

27. Hey, you were supposed to bring me some candy and a new hat.

28. Yes, they're on your desk, Paul.

29. Hey. I know you think this is funny, but I love this.

30. Okay.

31. Damn it.

32. Nice, babe.

33. Yeah, focus on your game. Come on.

34. Here comes a big one.

35. - Yes, baby. - I got it.

36. - You okay, babe? - Nice game.

37. But it's only 3-0.

38. But I can already tell you're not good enough to make it fun.

39. Besides, our boys are here for Thanksgiving and we got shit to do.

40. Gotta buy lighter fluid to burn those sheets after they leave?

41. They never age out of pleasuring themselves, do they?

42. No.

43. - You guys getting ready for the baby? - No rush. We got four months.

44. - You haven't started prepping yet? - Wow.

45. Are you two fucking high?

46. - Honestly, a little. - Did you want a gummy?

47. You both work.

48. If you don't get on the nanny search pronto,

49. your parents are gonna have to come help.

50. When we had our first,

51. my mom came, threw away Liz's placenta and they haven't spoken since.

52. - That's not the only reason. - No parents.

53. You keep the placenta?

54. - Oh, yeah. - Don't worry about it.

55. Well, now it's all I can think about.

56. Okay, calm down. I'll help with the nanny search.

57. You're the best. Let us know who you find.

58. You're gonna be there, dipshit.

59. Okay. One more game just to de-stress. Let's switch partners.

60. Low-maintenance against high-maintenance.

61. Let's do it, Dizzle.

62. Look at that. He knows who's who.

63. That dizzle right in the belly. Let's go.

64. Yeah, Mom. I know you're still angry.

65. You have every right to be.

66. I have every right to be.

67. - Good, so we agree. - Yeah, we do.

68. So can you please come to Thanksgiving?

69. You can go back to being mad at me again on Black Friday,

70. even though I think that's the day that Black families should come together.

71. Why are you silent? Is fucking Nikki with you?

72. - Your mouth. - She's so rude.

73. Listen, bitch, you keep your nose out of our family business,

74. or else I will come for you like I'm fucking Tony Soprano.

75. I dare you to try me. I dare you.

76. I will try.

77. Also can I, like, get your Venmo for when you stayed the extra night on Saturday?

78. - All good. I got you. - Thanks.

79. Okay, so, Mom, I can come pick you up.

80. I'm sorry, Gaby. I'm sorry. It...

81. It's just too hard right now, baby. It's too hard.

82. She's not coming.

83. What? Did you tell her that Derrick's coming?

84. Doesn't your mom want to meet him?

85. All right, Derrick's not coming either. I screwed that up too.

86. Did you not see my "shut-the-fuck-up" look?

87. I did, Liz. But in my defense, you always have that look.

88. I'm not sure you have another look.

89. There's one.

90. Come here.

91. Do you wanna bury your head in my secret big 'uns?

92. Liz, come on, girl. At best, those are secret mids.

93. You should see 'em though.

94. I've seen 'em like a gajillion times, you know that.

95. I know, but I was lying down.

96. - Oh, come on. - I know, baby.

97. - I love feeling our boobs touch. - I do too.

98. Look, I don't know what's going on so I'm just gonna start talking.

99. Here's your Thanksgiving menu.

100. I'm making turkey, ham, mac 'n' cheese, greens and dressing.

101. Holy shit. That's nice of you to cook for Gabs.

102. Not so nice. This dude's charging me a fortune.

103. - That's how it works. - But he is gonna teach me what to say

104. so I can pretend that I made it.

105. Like, "I deboned the ham."

106. - Nope. - Pigs have bones, Sean.

107. All right, I gotta head out. You wanna touch boobs too?

108. - Yeah, why not? - Cool.

109. Copycats.

110. Kinda hoping that since Alice basically lives with you now,

111. I might be able to say hey, but guess she's not here.

112. I'm here.

113. Okay, I guess I didn't know if you knew that I was here.

114. - I did. - Cool.

115. - That's rough. - Hate to see it.

116. Goodbye.

117. What up, pimp?

118. Hey. I need you to do me a favor.

119. Just let Alice know that whenever she's ready to talk, I'm around, okay?

120. Make it sound casual. Throw in some lingo.

121. You know, maybe, like, a "fam."

122. Fam is not cool.

123. - Go ahead and make it your own. - Okay.

124. You really give a shit, don't you?

125. Yeah, that's sort of my thing.

126. My parents aren't even here for Thanksgiving.

127. My mom's spending the week at Morongo.

128. My dad's also at Morongo but legally, he's not allowed within 100 feet of her

129. so when she's gambling, he's in the pool.

130. - And when she's in the pool... you get it. - Yeah.

131. Nice catching up, Summer.

132. See you, pimp.

133. Yeah, it's not good news about the meds,

134. but I'm processing it.

135. And by processing, you mean refusing to talk about it

136. or say how it makes you feel?

137. Bingo.

138. Hey, tell Meg I saw her new hair on Instagram.

139. Looks amazing.

140. Julie wants you to know that she's stalking you.

141. That's okay. She's hot.

142. You know what, I'm glad she's there, because the reason I'm calling, Dad...

143. We were so excited for you guys to fly out here for Thanksgiving but...

144. Mason's lacrosse team... They won today.

145. Which is insane because they're fucking terrible and now I have to...

146. We have to spend the weekend at a tournament in Maine.

147. What if instead of coming for Thanksgiving,

148. we just... we come and see you in a few weeks?

149. Dad, I feel so bad, I—

150. Don't feel bad. It's all right.

151. I'm disappointed.

152. But I'll be okay.

153. - I love you. - Love you too, baby.

154. We don't have to go to Connecticut.

155. We can stay here and do sweet fuck all. Best Thanksgiving ever.

156. You're still on the phone, Dad.

157. My bad.

158. Yeah. Yeah, your bad.

159. Last week, I feel like we got into it,

160. but this week, we're really gonna get into it, okay?

161. - 'Cause I am jacked off caffeine. - Yeah, okay.

162. Hey, go ahead. One second.

163. Hey, Paul. Heard you were staying in town.

164. Let me know if you want to come for Thanksgiving.

165. No. And if you tell Julie that you invited us, I'll kill you.

166. Thanks for the quick response.

167. - Hey. - Hey.

168. Don't forget, we're meeting for a coffee later.

169. Oh, come on, man. Not another "chat."

170. What, are you gonna hang out with your daughter?

171. - You've got nothing better to do. - Oh, shit.

172. Yeah.

173. Hey. Is everything okay?

174. Sorry, I didn't know who else to call.

175. What's going on?

176. She had us open the locked case for some Benadryl, then tried to steal Plan B.

177. Can we just have a minute?

178. What's going on?

179. You okay?

180. I'm just embarrassed.

181. Connor's home and we got back together and the condom broke.

182. I'm kind of a bouncer, so—

183. Fuck, no. No, no, no

184. I haven't called the police yet.

185. Okay. Listen.

186. She's a really good kid.

187. How about I just pay for this and we all move on with our lives?

188. Thanks, pimp.

189. Why'd she call you pimp?

190. No, no. She calls everyone pimp.

191. She didn't call me a pimp.

192. You're not a pimp.

193. I think she has to get to know you before you're a pimp.

194. Get to know you to be a pimp. Sir, is this your daughter?

195. - Yes. - No.

196. No. She's just a friend.

197. Actually, she's a friend of my daughter's.

198. Sometimes we spend time together.

199. How does everything coming out of my mouth make this sound worse?

200. - I don't know but I hate it all. - I hate it too.

201. You know what? I'm gonna walk away

202. and hope that you want this to be over as much as I do.

203. - I sure do. - Okay, great.

204. - Thanks, Jimmy. - Yeah.

205. Did you leave enough money for the gum I took?

206. Goddamn it, Summer.

207. Psyched to go to your parents for Thanksgiving.

208. Any special traditions I need to know about?

209. Nah, we usually just watch football, eat too much food,

210. and then around sunset, my mom cries and says no one appreciates her.

211. I can't wait.

212. Yeah, it's fun.

213. - I'll see you, Alice. - Bye.

214. Thanks for the help. Fun, right?

215. So fun. Kill me now.

216. So why you really here?

217. I can't really talk to anyone else.

218. They're all worried I'm being too hard on Dad.

219. I don't know. My whole life, he was this awesome, do-anything-for-anybody guy.

220. I mean, you were a stranger and you were beating the shit out of people

221. and he invited you to move into our home, remember?

222. I do remember that, yes.

223. I told him how important it was for me if he showed up for Louis,

224. and he still won't fucking do it.

225. I hear you.

226. When all the shit went down with my dad,

227. I had to tell him that we needed to be more open with each other

228. about how we feel, and now he's a completely different person.

229. - Damn, really? - Hell no.

230. - Don't get me wrong, he's trying. - Yeah.

231. Now I tell him I love him,

232. and he does this thing where he points at me and he snaps.

233. I think that means he loves me too?

234. Yeah.

235. I mean, look, I've been talking about this with Paul.

236. He said...

237. "If you only love someone hoping they'll change one day,

238. that's not love."

239. - That was good. - Thank you.

240. He's right though.

241. Real love is when you accept someone, limitations and all.

242. And...

243. my dad has earned that from me.

244. Forever.

245. Hey, fuck you for being emotionally healthy right now.

246. My bad.

247. This is a great place, man.

248. Yeah. Yeah, Liz encouraged me to buy it.

249. Partly as an investment

250. and partly so I could have my own space that's nowhere near her space.

251. - She ever stop by? - Yep.

252. And when she does, she wears leather pants and goes by "Veronica."

253. Do tell.

254. Well, I don't usually love being choked—

255. No. I was wrong. Do not tell.

256. - You sure? - Yeah.

257. Hey. I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Gaby.

258. Yeah, man. Like, why the fuck did you introduce me to her?

259. - Like, goddamn. - I thought you two

260. - would be a great match. - I did too, man.

261. Worst part is, I doubt she's even thinking about me.

262. I can't stop thinking about him.

263. Last night I had this crazy dream

264. where I was sexing it up with Keanu Reeves in this super fancy hotel.

265. And Derrick was the front desk clerk, he was the bellhop,

266. and he was the tip of Keanu's penis. It was crazy.

267. Well, that totally normal dream should tell you something.

268. Okay. First of all, she's right.

269. And second, I don't like you having other friends.

270. Liz, we've been over this.

271. It's okay for us to both have other friends. Damn.

272. I don't want other friends.

273. - Well, you're gonna have to deal with it. - No!

274. Aliyah and I bonded after she dumped Nico for being a total dumpster fire.

275. I still don't understand the problem. Derrick seems great.

276. Derrick's the best.

277. He's just like my husband but Black.

278. And honestly, that's the only thing that would make my husband better.

279. He's gonna have to keep that hair though,

280. and that would make for an interesting looking Black dude.

281. I would tap that ass.

282. I would tear him up.

283. Shit, you guys. My whole life I've been a caretaker.

284. You know, I love knowing that I'm needed.

285. That's why I've dated nothing but Nicos.

286. And you wanna know the best part about dating a Nico?

287. Free heroin.

288. - Stop making me like you more. - No.

289. It just takes the pressure off.

290. You know, it's, like, you stay with a train wreck and you're a saint.

291. If you leave, it's his fault for being such a mess.

292. But Derrick, it's like he wants me but he doesn't need me.

293. Like, there's no exit ramp.

294. That's what's so scary.

295. Just call him.

296. You know, bravery isn't about not being scared,

297. it's about being scared and doing it anyway.

298. Oh, my God. That is so great.

299. I'm gonna steal it and pretend it's mine.

300. Shit, I gotta go.

301. - I love you. - Love you.

302. You're growing on me.

303. Now, why was that necessary?

304. You're actually the first nanny we've interviewed.

305. I prefer "au pair."

306. Love that. Very fancy.

307. Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

308. Oh, my God, Liz.

309. She's cute and a little pretentious. Loving her.

310. Well, I mean, the stamp isn't that cute that she got from clubbing.

311. Didn't bother to shower to wash it off?

312. Next.

313. So what would be your typical daily routine?

314. I like to follow the baby's lead.

315. Yeah, 'cause babies are so smart.

316. They're so intuitive.

317. They're so not. Bye.

318. - Take a water on your way out. - Not the sparkling.

319. I can get you breast milk off Craigslist.

320. Why are you even looking at me? It's an obvious no!

321. - It's an obvious no, dawg. - Obvious no.

322. What's up? My name's Chris but I go by Topher.

323. - Suits you. - Two nicknames.

324. - Absolutely not. - Come on, Liz.

325. You know you can't handle it.

326. She's not wrong.

327. So what's your story, Topher?

328. I'm good with a microwave.

329. That's hard.

330. Oh, my God.

331. What?

332. Well, I'm a little OCD so I'm very punctual.

333. And I feel like I should address some of this to you.

334. She's smart.

335. So, I'm CPR certified. I'm a big believer in sleep training.

336. And I know that this might sound a bit corny,

337. but I really do think that it is an honor to help build a family.

338. - Please can we hire her? - I'm so bored.

339. Yes.

340. Please, please work for us?

341. - Okay. - Yay!

342. If you need to contact us,

343. I might be going to Mykonos with my friend Topher, but Charlie won't.

344. Stop staring at my brownie.

345. I told you to order one for yourself 'cause I don't want to split mine,

346. and you said I was an asshole and that you didn't want a brownie.

347. That was five minutes ago.

348. People change.

349. Damn it.

350. Thank you.

351. What are you smiling at?

352. This. You two. I did this.

353. I made you two friends.

354. Well, if you have that power, can you make a woman fall for me?

355. He's not a wizard.

356. Hurtful.

357. Why am I here, Paul?

358. When you've finished your drink, I want you to go talk to Alice.

359. You can pretend that you haven't opened up to her

360. because you wanna protect her, but that's not it. You're ashamed.

361. Just like I'm ashamed of people seeing my disease.

362. They see me shaking and they feel sorry for me.

363. I hate it.

364. Shame is toxic.

365. That's why I decided we should face our shame together.

366. That's why I didn't take my meds this morning.

367. Just let the whole damn place see me just the way I am.

368. Paul, that's incredible.

369. I don't even notice any tremors.

370. That's because I took my meds.

371. I chickened out.

372. But you... you have more courage.

373. I don't know about that.

374. I do.

375. Anybody that's gone through what you've gone through

376. and isn't cynical and jaded...

377. That's very inspiring.

378. Thanks, Paul.

379. Really? Both of you?

380. It just looks so delicious.

381. It's calling to me, man.

382. Jiminy Christmas.

383. - Here. Dig in. - Yes!

384. This is what you should be most ashamed of.

385. Well, all right.

386. So, we're birds now.

387. Hey, it's you.

388. Hi, what up?

389. We're gonna start with small talk?

390. Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

391. Okay. Well, I was about to head to the market

392. because my aunt forgot the key ingredient to her sweet potatoes.

393. Sweet potatoes?

394. No, candy corn.

395. Dude, gross. Don't they melt?

396. No. She sticks 'em in after.

397. - I don't love it. - I bet you don't.

398. Hey, look...

399. So, Derrick...

400. Listen, I've been doing some self-reflecting.

401. You know, I just think I'm not used to things being genuinely good, so I...

402. I sabotaged it.

403. And I gotta really work on that.

404. And I think the best way to start is by doing something that,

405. honestly, I should have done weeks ago.

406. So...

407. Derrick, I think you're fucking amazing

408. and I wanted to know if you'd reconsider coming to Thanksgiving?

409. I mean, maybe you can bring something. Like, a pie or whatever.

410. But a pie would be good.

411. I forgot pie.

412. I don't know, Gaby.

413. I put myself out there and you left me hanging.

414. And I've tried really hard to stop ignoring red flags.

415. So how about this?

416. You work on all that stuff you need to work on,

417. and once you get it in order, you give me a call. Okay?

418. Yeah. I will do that.

419. I hope you do.

420. Have a good holiday.

421. Yeah, you too.

422. Isn't it great having the boys home for Thanksgiving?

423. Mom!

424. Matthew opened my door and farted and then closed it.

425. Matthew, don't butt bomb your brother!

426. Told you, asshole!

427. Yep. These are magical times.

428. You know, it's stupid. I should be happy that they're here,

429. but I'm sad they're leaving Sunday.

430. It's like I spent this whole year searching for something.

431. I'm just fucking right back where I started.

432. Babe, if there's anything I can do...

433. Sweet husband, I'm okay.

434. You know, sometimes when I do my rocks I just feel melancholy.

435. I know.

436. But I'll figure it out.

437. I mean, remember what Veronica always says.

438. "Breathe through your nose"?

439. No, the other thing.

440. "Fuck it, let's just have fun."

441. Exactly right.

442. And you can go.

443. And you're off.

444. Surprise guest.

445. - Derek. - Hey.

446. Here you go.

447. So, what's the latest with the nanny search?

448. Little speed bump.

449. Kellie, the nanny we chose, can't do Mondays or Fridays

450. and that is tough for us.

451. So we offered her an extra $500 for those two days,

452. but now she's extorting us because she can hear our desperation.

453. I said "please" too many times.

454. No. He did.

455. 500, huh?

456. Give Liz those two days, I'll pay you six.

457. - Wait, what? - That's ridiculous.

458. Fine. 700.

459. - We're not taking money from you. - We're not?

460. We're not.

461. Well then, let her do it for free.

462. You'll have someone you trust, who has a ton of experience.

463. She'll make your life better.

464. I mean...

465. I don't know. Is it crazy that I think this might just work?

466. Liz is great with kids.

467. - Yeah. - Yes.

468. Plus, when the baby's asleep, I'm sure she'll do some light housework.

469. Fuck you.

470. Did you see it?

471. Okay, all right. That was almost worth the ride over.

472. - There's really only two caveats. - Yeah?

473. First, when you ask her,

474. - this didn't come from me. - Deal.

475. Second, even though she's only doing two days,

476. Liz is going to want to be in charge of the other nanny.

477. - No. - You don't know that.

478. I feel like I do.

479. Wow.

480. Hey, Lurch.

481. You good with your hands?

482. You mean, like, sexually?

483. Why would I want to know that?

484. I have no idea. That's why I was confused.

485. I mean, yes, I am good with them that way.

486. Cool, I'll spread the word.

487. - Appreciate that. - Catch.

488. Holy shit.

489. I finally got one.

490. It's the one we found when we were looking together.

491. I love you.

492. Thank you, Liz.

493. Are you still fucked up about Alice?

494. Yeah. Just over here trying to find a little courage.

495. I get it.

496. Jimmy,

497. bravery is not about not being scared,

498. it's about not having to do the scary thing and not feeling like you're...

499. but you do it anyway, you know?

500. It's like that.

501. Love you too.

502. Now go away.

503. Hey, it's me. I'm headed over to Gaby's.

504. I really need to talk.

505. Hey, Dad.

506. Goodbye.

507. I just left you a message.

508. I heard.

509. Summer told me how you helped her out.

510. That was cool. That was very you.

511. Yes.

512. I need to say something to you.

513. And it's probably something that I should've done a long time ago.

514. You don't have to say anything. You don't.

515. I don't care if you ever talk to Louis.

516. Honestly, that wasn't fair of me to ask.

517. And I love you.

518. Very much.

519. Fuck!

520. - Fuck! - What?

521. - What? - Me?

522. - Yeah. - Nothing.

523. It would just be so easy not to say my thing now.

524. Don't have to say it.

525. I think I really do.

526. Kid, every parent...

527. likes to believe that if something really bad ever happens,

528. that they are gonna rise to the occasion.

529. I certainly believed that about myself.

530. That I was gonna be the hero, you know?

531. That I was gonna be your hero.

532. And I was not.

533. And so, when Louis came back into our lives,

534. he was like this walking, talking reminder for me

535. of how I just really let you down when you needed me the most.

536. You know, your mom and I, we used to always say

537. that you're the best thing that ever happened to us.

538. Boy, is it true.

539. And she also made me promise I was not gonna fuck it up.

540. And I did. I fucked up.

541. I fucked it up.

542. Alice, you are who you are,

543. this amazing woman,

544. in spite of me.

545. And I keep getting stuck on that.

546. I keep getting stuck on what a terrible father I am.

547. And I'm just so sorry.

548. I'm just so, so, sorry...

549. that I am not better.

550. You're right. You did fuck up.

551. But, Dad, you're leaving out so much of the good stuff.

552. So many memories.

553. All the trips we went on, all the times I rode on your shoulders.

554. You climbed trees with me and got a concussion.

555. You showed me how to skateboard

556. and got a concussion.

557. Hey, you taught me Spanish because Mom couldn't.

558. She was so good at languages but just didn't have the patience for me,

559. and you would sit here with me for hours, and you would never get annoyed.

560. Soy... estoy berenjena, papá.

561. You just said "I'm an eggplant."

562. I never said I got good at it.

563. You know, after Mom died... during the worst times,

564. there was this one night that I was really tired after practice

565. and passed out on the couch.

566. And in the morning, I woke up, and I was in my room.

567. Even at your lowest, you still carried me upstairs.

568. And that let me know that you were still in there.

569. So, yeah, maybe you were a bad dad for a second,

570. but, hey, you are also the best fucking dad.

571. And I am so lucky that you are mine.

572. Hija mía, te quiero.

573. Come here.

574. Did you say something nice in Spanish?

575. Because I thought I made it clear I don't understand it.

576. I know. It was a weird choice on my part.

577. Yeah.

578. I am not gonna be fucking late! Be ready in five minutes!

579. Will, honey.

580. Yeah, Mom?

581. Do you think that's appropriate Thanksgiving attire?

582. What's wrong with it?

583. Well, you're wearing ripped jeans

584. and a backwards baseball cap that says "fuckboy."

585. She's right. Go change your pants.

586. And put my hat back.

587. - Fine. - Dear God.

588. - Hey. Hey, guys. - Hiya.

589. - Hi. - To what do we owe

590. this unexpected pleasure?

591. Liz, it turns out that Kellie can only be our nanny part-time.

592. Oh, no.

593. Now this may sound crazy,

594. but would you ever in a million years consider covering for us two days a week?

595. - He put you up to this? - Damn it.

596. - No. - He mentioned it.

597. Yes.

598. But we aren't letting him pay us.

599. - Babe. - Unless that's something you want?

600. - Dude, you are killing me. - Jesus fucking Christ.

601. I never understood why you look down on yourself for "just being a mom."

602. Yes, you're an amazing photographer, the world's only rock tumbler,

603. but you love raising kids.

604. That purpose that you've been looking for?

605. That's it.

606. That is your gift.

607. I'll do it.

608. - Yes! - Yeah.

609. Thank you.

610. I'm gonna need to be in charge of the other nanny.

611. - We've already told her. - Okay.

612. What up, pimps?

613. Summer, I'm having a baby.

614. Congrats.

615. I just dodged that bullet.

616. Oh, God.

617. - I talked to him. I did. I put a condom... - You didn't talk to him, obviously.

618. - ... in every crack in that room. - You need to have a box in...

619. So, we going straight to In-N-Out, or you wanna go pick up your goats first?

620. Fine.

621. Perfect way to spend Thanksgiving, huh?

622. Eating burgers, watching football.

623. Wait a second, this is not the way to In-N-Out.

624. Why are you dressed up? Am I being kidnapped again?

625. Oh, come on, you'd be sad if we missed Gaby's.

626. It's only for a few hours,

627. and I brought your meds in case you wanna take them again before dinner.

628. But look, I'm not even dressed for this.

629. Your blazer's in the trunk.

630. Help! I'm being kidnapped!

631. - Jesus's sakes, will you calm down? - Anybody!

632. Jesus.

633. Worst Thanksgiving ever.

634. - Hey! Who grabs beans? - I do.

635. - Oh, my God. That turkey looks amazing. - Thank you.

636. - Holy shit. - I trussed and brushed it,

637. - and then dipped it in an orange glaze. - Girl, yeah.

638. Okay, too much lingo.

639. You wanna look me in the eyes and tell me you actually made all this?

640. You keep your mouth shut, or I'll orange glaze your ass,

641. and I know that sounds sexual,

642. - but it's not. - Understood.

643. All right, D, you wanna carve this bird? 'Cause I don't know how to.

644. Yes, ma'am.

645. D-man's time to shine.

646. - Look out, ladies! Coming through. - Jesus Christ.

647. - Come on. Here we go. - Okay.

648. - Coat. Get it off. - What?

649. All right, I don't know what I'm doing, but I know it doesn't take all this.

650. This bird looks like it's gonna take all this.

651. Oh, God.

652. - That's such a good one. - Yeah.

653. So now that we're all in the Covenant of the Rock,

654. is there a secret handshake?

655. He's ruining it.

656. Just give him a secret handshake.

657. Come on. It'll just be this with a snap.

658. I hate that!

659. Okay, easy, Liz.

660. - Hey, Julie. - Hi, honey.

661. Hi, Paul.

662. I'm here under duress.

663. Stop saying that. You got your sweatpants on.

664. You can still scratch your balls when no one's looking.

665. I don't care if anybody's looking or not.

666. And you, you Judas.

667. You knew that she was gonna abduct me, and you said nothing?

668. Hey, pal, if you're not here, I'm not even invited.

669. And don't touch the cheese with that hand.

670. Okay, everybody.

671. Before we start the buffet, I just wanna make one quick announcement.

672. Yes, Liz?

673. Why is Aliyah in the kitchen with you?

674. You're okay, all right?

675. Happy Thanksgiving. This holiday is all about togetherness.

676. - No. - Okay.

677. So, I'd like all you kids to put your cell phones

678. in this damn basket, all right?

679. - Hey, you're Matthew, right? - Yeah.

680. - How old are you? - Twenty-three.

681. - Twenty-four. - Twenty-four.

682. Holy shit.

683. I got the smart one.

684. Wow. Okay, I really need you to put your phone in here.

685. Busted.

686. - Hey, Brian. - Yeah, what's up?

687. We all spoke, and I'm afraid you're gonna have to cough that up.

688. - What? - Yes.

689. No! This is ridiculous.

690. Do you all think so little of me?

691. Just fucking do it.

692. - Why are you on Wayfair? - Yeah. I wanted to get

693. that cute ottoman that you have.

694. - Thank you. Put your phone in here. - Okay. I'm sorry.

695. All right, it's time to eat. Paul, do you wanna do the honors?

696. Let's just fucking do it.

697. - Great. Perfect. - Okay, here we go.

698. - We're gonna get private time at dessert. - I know, but—

699. - We should have some pie. Okay. - Yes, I promise.

700. Hey.

701. - Here, I didn't lick this one. - Thank you. I don't want it.

702. - Uh-huh. All right, thank you. - Thank you.

703. - Hey, it's your turn. Come on. - One sec.

704. - And there it is. Love you. - Thank you. I love you.

705. - Hey, can you hand me that? - Sure.

706. Thanks.

707. Why the hell did he make us open today?

708. We've had, like, one customer, and they ordered 50 turkey sandwiches.

709. Yeah, right?

710. What time exactly do you want me to come round later?

711. 'Cause this pudding takes a very specific amount of time to cook,

712. and if it's one minute over, it's a brick.

713. Yeah, about that...

714. Fuck.

715. So, I told some of my friends you were coming, and...

716. You never told me that you got drunk and murdered someone.

717. And so, now, I think that it just might be, like, weird for you to be there.

718. It's okay.

719. I'm sorry, man.

720. Don't be.

721. I understand.

722. Shit, man.

723. Look, Louis, I—

724. Why don't you go, and I'll...

725. I'll lock up.

726. All right.

727. Hey.

728. Happy Thanksgiving, man.

729. You too.

730. Cheers to the chef.

731. To Sean!

732. - I knew it. - Yeah.

733. No.

734. Okay, our mom couldn't make it today,

735. but I would like to carry on one of her favorite traditions.

736. So, let's go around the room and everybody say what they're thankful for.

737. Who wants to start?

738. First of all, I wanna say how thankful I am to welcome Jorge into our home,

739. but, Mom, you have to calm down.

740. But look how cute he is.

741. I just can't turn it off, bro.

742. But most of all,

743. I wanna say how grateful I am that we're all together again.

744. It means so much to me.

745. Love you too, Dad.

746. I'm thankful for my family.

747. Me too.

748. That's all of you guys.

749. For my husband.

750. For my wife.

751. Hello?

752. - Seriously? - What the fuck?

753. - What the heck? - Fine.

754. - For our boys too. - Yeah.

755. I'm thankful to just be included, honestly.

756. She took mine.

757. But, seriously, I am very thankful to have been included.

758. I'm thankful for my sister.

759. For my handsome new roommate.

760. That next Thanksgiving, we'll both be dads.

761. That...

762. Paul's done with that turkey leg.

763. That I get to be here and not at fucking Morongo.

764. Okay.

765. I guess it's my turn.

766. Your turn for what?

767. Hey. Sorry I'm late.

768. It's okay. I was just trying to figure out what I'm thankful for.

769. You'll come up with something.

770. And I know you mentioned everyone had to bring something so,

771. I brought your mom.

772. - Oh, shit. Hey, that's not my mom. - Oh, God.

773. - No. - Did you just take some random lady?

774. No, I didn't take a random lady. This is my aunt.

775. - Jesus. - Yeah, fuck.

776. That's your mom.

777. I brought pie.

778. That's so sweet.

779. What kind of pie?

780. Apple.

781. - What kind of apple? - Babe.

782. Attention, passengers.

783. The next train to Union Station is now approaching.

784. Please stand behind the yellow line until the train comes to a complete stop.

785. Thank you.

786. - Hey, wait. I need you to try this. - Oh, my God.

787. It's so good.

788. - Nice move. - I try.

789. I didn't go yet.

790. I didn't go yet.

791. Hey, I didn't go yet.

792. Most of you know that I'm here under duress.

793. I don't really like being the center of attention.

794. - That's not true. - I doubt that.

795. It is when I'm not in control.

796. Like I wasn't in control of... about being here today,

797. I'm also not in control of this.

798. I didn't take my pills because I...

799. I wanna save them for when I really need them.

800. Not to hide from you.

801. Sometimes it's hard not to feel sorry for myself.

802. You know, poor me with my...

803. failed, fragile body.

804. But then, I look around this room and...

805. and I say to myself...

806. "Lucky guy.

807. I'm a lucky guy."

808. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have to...

809. to work with you, hang out with you, laugh with you.

810. Road's gonna get tougher and tougher.

811. But I do know that I'll get through it

812. because of everyone... everyone in this room.

813. And that's what I'm... that's what I'm thankful for.

814. 'Cause we can get through anything...

815. if we have people to lean on.

816. I'm leaning on you. I'm leaning on you.

817. Okay.

818. Switch.

819. Love you.

820. Paul, I'd like you to meet my sons.

821. Yes.

822. Yes, yes, yes.

823. Thank you.

824. Yes, of course.

825. Hey, man.

826. Turns out my daughter is more addicted to her cell phone than I realized.

827. They were in a basket. It's a long story.

828. Why are you here?

829. I guess I'm here for her. For Alice.

830. I'm probably also here for Tia.

831. Mostly, I'm here for me.

832. What a shitty couple of years, huh?

833. Yeah.

834. How about her? What's her story?

835. Well, she's obviously a schoolteacher.

836. And she's just realized she's forgotten something very important.

837. Big test day. No No. 2 pencils.

838. - It's a nightmare. - It's not the first time it's happened.

839. How about this guy? He's a brooding rock star.

840. No, I know that guy. He's an assassin.