Shrinking 1x9

1. Raymond, Paul said he's ready for you.

2. At long last.

3. Lisa, let's boogie.

4. Steven, come on. We're getting out of here.

5. What are these for?

6. Joy.

7. Fun, right? Come on.

8. Don't forget Mom.

9. You sure we should do this today?

10. It's been long enough. She wanted you to spread her ashes, right?

11. I know, but it's a little windy.

12. I don't wanna get any of her in my mouth. - Look, I get it.

13. It's my dead wife's birthday this week.

14. I've been stuck too.

15. I think we should move forward.

16. It looks closed.

17. Yeah. Don't worry about it.

18. So, I saw you're getting a fancy award.

19. Don't be judgmental... - Oh, man.

20. but I have a Google Alert on you.

21. That is so lame.

22. Wow. I just said very clearly, don't be judgmental.

23. Yeah, but I didn't agree to that. - That's fair.

24. Yeah, the APA is giving me a career achievement award.

25. Congratulations.

26. Come on, man. It sucks.

27. Well, is there anything I can do for you in this challenging time?

28. No. It's just that I'm not ready to be put out to pasture.

29. Can I say something? - I feel you talk all the time.

30. I do. But I'm paying you for it, so I'm good.

31. Listen, when I came to see you over 20 years ago...

32. Twenty-two years ago.

33. I was drinking too much, and my marriage had ended,

34. and my self-esteem was so low

35. that I spent most of my time wondering how I'm gonna kill myself.

36. Now, my life is so good that half the time I come through that door,

37. I don't know what I want to talk about.

38. Today I was gonna talk about feeling old

39. and wondering if I can still pull off a leather jacket.

40. You can't. - Ouch.

41. Listen, Paul. You've spent your whole career helping people.

42. You deserve to be celebrated for a minute.

43. Some people might not agree with that.

44. Yeah, like who?

45. Okay. Well, just know that I...

46. am very grateful.

47. Thank you, Paul.

48. You're welcome.

49. Do you think I could pull off leather pants?

50. No. - What about a bodysuit?

51. I think your time is up.

52. Okay, Lisa. Everybody gets feedback at work, okay?

53. But you hear criticism at a 10 when it's been given to you at a 2.

54. You're not wrong.

55. Hey, you are not your mistakes.

56. But my boss thinks I'm a idiot now.

57. That's your mom's voice, not your boss's. You are not an idiot.

58. You know how I know that?

59. It's because you are the shit.

60. I like when you curse.

61. That's why I fucking do that shit, bitch.

62. See, this is why you worth the 90-minute drive.

63. 'Cause you also the shit.

64. Lisa, this is not about me. But please, don't stop.

65. But goddamn, 90 minutes?

66. Yeah. It's worth it coming to see a Black therapist.

67. I don't have to explain to you about my mom's narcissism.

68. Or the fact that it's not codependent

69. that my whole family goes to the mall with my cousin when he need a new suit.

70. Well, we are a communal people.

71. Thank you.

72. But seriously, your family is codependent as hell.

73. So these were her seats, huh?

74. Yeah, but it feels weird leaving her here.

75. If it helps, you can talk to her first.

76. Seriously? - Yeah.

77. Say all the things you never got to say. - Everything?

78. I mean, you can leave out the dream where she cut off your penis, but yeah.

79. Yeah.

80. Mom, sometimes you were horrible.

81. Like, really fucking mean. And judgmental.

82. You stole thousands of dollars from your church.

83. Did not know that.

84. But you did raise me.

85. I love you.

86. That was beautiful.

87. Thanks. - Mostly.

88. Should we spread this lady out or what?

89. Yeah.

90. Take all the time you need.

91. Watch my feet though.

92. Roger that.

93. I was wrong. We should run.

94. Right there.

95. Security. Stop! Hey!

96. Dump as you go.

97. Dump and run.

98. What were you up to?

99. Hey.

100. That's all we get.

101. But it was so fun.

102. Okay, I love you a lot.

103. You can't even hear the music.

104. I know. I just wanted to be a part of it so bad.

105. Hey, can my grounding please be over?

106. Yes. - Really?

107. In two more weeks.

108. Okay, that was mean. - You stole my car, you little fuck.

109. Fair.

110. Hey, remember how you used to come lay on the end of the bed?

111. You'd tell me and your mom about some song you were obsessed with.

112. We'd have a listening party. - Yeah.

113. Then I'd play one of my favorite songs for you.

114. You'd tell me that my taste in music sucked.

115. Yeah. I miss that.

116. If it helps, your taste in music still does suck.

117. Glad you still think so.

118. Seriously, what is a Goo Goo Doll?

119. Okay.

120. To Derek. Cheers! - Thank you.

121. That is so kind. I appreciate it.

122. Retired, and with that head of hair?

123. The world is yours.

124. Stop.

125. What are you gonna do?

126. I don't know. I guess the first year I'll just chill at home.

127. That's why I invited you all.

128. Partly because I'm so happy for you.

129. I love you so much.

130. And partly because I don't want any questions when I take my own life.

131. That was one hell of a toast.

132. Thank you.

133. I have big wedding news.

134. Are we done celebrating Derek?

135. It's cool. I might have a big shindig in a few weeks with friends.

136. You know, couple hundred people, so...

137. Are we invited?

138. You are now.

139. I'm sorry, a couple hundred people?

140. Guys, does D-Bone have a better life than us?

141. What can I say? I like people, and people like me.

142. That's true. It's annoying.

143. Hey. Hi. I think we moved on to my thing.

144. I don't know. - Sorry.

145. Did we? - No.

146. I don't think so.

147. Jimmy has been reinstated.

148. He is once again performing my wedding ceremony.

149. Wow.

150. Why did you let him back in?

151. Because I'm a kind and benevolent prince.

152. Okay, I don't know if you're a prince. - No.

153. I also guilted him for being a selfish son of a bitch, so...

154. Yeah. That's what it is. - Yeah, that makes sense.

155. I still don't love these two as friends.

156. And we don't give a shit. - It makes us stronger.

157. Yeah. - Yeah.

158. Hey, sorry I'm running late. Let's go.

159. It's fine. I have to pee actually. Can I—

160. Gaby, boundaries. You can hold it.

161. Are you serious? You know how much water I drink in a day. One second.

162. Good morning. - Oh, damn. Wow.

163. Wow, that's a good surprised face.

164. Don't you have to go to the bathroom?

165. No. I can hold it in for this.

166. Gaby, this is Dr. Baram.

167. You've seen me naked. Go with my first name.

168. Julie. - Hello, Julie. I am Gaby.

169. Well, I should put some pants on.

170. But see if you can cheer grumpy up, here.

171. He's pissed because he's an award-winning therapist.

172. Is he gonna win any awards in the bedroom? Schwing!

173. Holy shit. I don't wanna know that. Actually I do.

174. What? Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

175. When I get nervous, I start just saying stupid shit.

176. And that's what's happening right now. Sorry.

177. Are you gonna take her to the awards ceremony?

178. Go to the bathroom.

179. She's fun.

180. Isn't she?

181. Look, the award ceremony is in Vegas,

182. and I'm not sure if I'm— - All right. No, no. Relax.

183. If I'm gonna go. - No.

184. No, much as I was flattered by the invitation from your colleague,

185. I'm just not sure we're at the sit-together-through-boring-stuff stage.

186. I have never actually been at that stage, and I've been married.

187. I don't know where the bathroom is.

188. Down the hall, on the left.

189. Oh, my God. Look at her legs. - Not a word.

190. Congratulations. - Go.

191. Okay, I'm gonna...

192. But seriously, I'm super happy for you.

193. This is really inspiring.

194. I didn't think I'd be able to have sex when I got old...

195. Go. - ... but I'm gonna fuck forever.

196. This is awesome. - Stop it. Go.

197. It's nice to have you working here.

198. The exciting world of corporate accounting.

199. Hope you're having a little fun. - Are you kidding me, Dad?

200. I love scanning these documents.

201. If you let me do this when I was a kid, I probably never would've played football.

202. Yeah, okay.

203. I appreciate the job, Dad. Thank you.

204. Son. I'm just glad to see you doing so well.

205. Good. Keep it up. - Yes, sir.

206. Now that I got a job, I can finally give you this.

207. No prouder moment for a therapist than when his patient pays him rent.

208. Is there any way you can be happy for me and still mad at him?

209. Yeah, I can do that. Good on you, kid.

210. What's the matter with you? - So many things, Paul.

211. Hey, listen, I was thinking about your award.

212. Why is everybody obsessing about this goddamn award?

213. What award?

214. Paul's been nominated for a Grouchy.

215. They give it to whoever can spend the most time pissed off

216. for absolutely no reason.

217. You got this in the bag, Paul.

218. All right, look, they give you these career achievement things

219. at the last possible moment,

220. when they still think you can make a speech and not just stumble up there

221. and go, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," and shit yourself.

222. If that happens, standing ovation.

223. My life is over.

224. And the cherry on the top is my daughter thinks I'm a selfish prick.

225. Look, these things you're talking about, they're just roadblocks, right?

226. You gotta blow through 'em.

227. What if you invited Meg and her family to Vegas to celebrate with you?

228. What are you, nuts?

229. Meg's barely talking to me, and Mason is ten years old.

230. What's he gonna do, gamble and whore?

231. Hey, Vegas is for families now.

232. So what he's saying is you and your grandson could gamble and whore together.

233. He'd never be able to keep up.

234. I go hard.

235. Thanks for coming. - Yeah, well, I'm here for one reason only.

236. Was that me in the painting or what?

237. Yeah, it was you. - What did you say?

238. It's you.

239. Thank you. Hearing a man say I'm right really greases my fucking peach, dude.

240. I should've said it more often.

241. Listen, about what I said at the art gallery, I do regret it.

242. But I forgave myself.

243. I went on a whole-ass journey. It took less than two minutes.

244. But that show was sick. And it is nice to see you killing it.

245. Thanks.

246. Reminds me of who you were when we first met.

247. Do you think we could ever try again? - Excuse me?

248. What? I don't think we ever fell out of love. I just fucked things up.

249. I mean, you're still the funniest, sexiest woman I've ever seen.

250. Oh, God. I'm so annoyed this is working.

251. Wanna get out of here?

252. Wow. Yeah.

253. Yeah, that'll work for me.

254. Shit, I can't believe we're doing this again.

255. Well, it makes sense, you know?

256. I mean, once you crack the sex seal, you're gonna keep doing it.

257. Yeah. - Plus, I'm really good at it...

258. Oh, yeah. Yeah. - ... since I started Zumba. Yeah.

259. We're a good fit.

260. Really? You think, like, penis-vagina alignment?

261. I mean, it is— It's snug down there.

262. Thank you.

263. Well, that's both of us. - What?

264. Griffins.

265. You fucking saved my ass earlier.

266. I mean, I was this close to taking Nico to pound town.

267. I mean, he was talking about how much he changed for me

268. and how he's still sober,

269. and how sexy I was, which you know I love that.

270. You do fucking look sexy. - Oh, my God. Thank you.

271. Yeah. - Still, what was I thinking?

272. I missed out on so much to get him through rehab.

273. Like, I passed up a teaching job. I ditched conferences.

274. I lost out on so many opportunities just to make sure he was okay.

275. So thank you for your safe, safe dick.

276. Yeah. You're welcome.

277. He wouldn't like it if I told you, but my dick doesn't like to be called "safe."

278. What about, like, maybe "bold" or "majestic"?

279. What about "decent"?

280. "Consistent"?

281. How about...

282. "working-class dick"?

283. Yeah, he likes it. He likes it. - Oh, shit. He loves it.

284. I like that. I gotta consult with me union.

285. Hey, babe. - Hey.

286. Wanna go with me to get the mail?

287. You want me to walk with you to the end of the driveway?

288. And back.

289. Hey, guys. - Hey. Hey, guys.

290. Kill me.

291. If Liz said she'd help with your catering thing, why don't you ask her?

292. Nah, we were just joking around.

293. Besides, I got a new job working with my dad.

294. How's that going?

295. I am very grateful for the opportunity.

296. Oh, damn.

297. You ever look at this tree?

298. Her graceful trunk.

299. Her sturdy limbs.

300. She's beautiful.

301. Derek, do you wanna fuck that tree?

302. I don't think it's legal.

303. Please tell me that's not what's stopping you.

304. Okay. I'm gonna help get Liz on board.

305. We can get Gaby to help. Plus, I've got a rock.

306. I'ma need you to connect some more dots.

307. Liz gives all her best polished rocks to the people she loves the most.

308. She's only given one to me, Derek and two of her three sons.

309. So, the ceremony will start, and then I'll give the opening remarks.

310. Sure you wanna hear this now? You don't wanna be surprised?

311. Yeah, I'm good not being surprised. - Okay.

312. So, I'll be standing right next to you.

313. Liz is the audience. Whenever you're ready.

314. Are you gonna be this close? - I'll probably be this close.

315. Charlie will be right here.

316. Don't worry about him. He'll be looking at me.

317. Okay.

318. Yes. Up top. You got this, buddy.

319. That's Charlie. - He'll like that.

320. Just wanna— Give me a second

321. 'cause I worked really hard on this. - Yeah.

322. Yes, yes, yes.

323. Oh, man.

324. Yeah, this definitely reminds me of when you married Tia and I.

325. Tia and me. - Nobody cares, Liz.

326. No, it's wrong. - Come on back.

327. "Marriage."

328. I need a second.

329. Wow. - This, not good.

330. No, although now I'm really looking forward to this wedding.

331. I just gotta shake it off. I'm good. Gotta get loose.

332. Yeah.

333. In high school basketball,

334. when someone would talk shit to me, it would really motivate me.

335. Will you pretend like you don't think I'm gonna be able to do this?

336. Don't have to pretend. This is a disaster.

337. Okay, fuck you, Liz. - Yeah.

338. You know what? This time I'm just gonna read it.

339. No emotion, just words. - Yeah, that'll work.

340. "Marriage"-- Nope.

341. I'm fucked.

342. Without a drop of lube.

343. Liz. Normally funny, not today.

344. Today it's a little funny.

345. Not today. Too stressed. My parents arrived yesterday.

346. My dad's already asked if all gay couples kiss at the end

347. or if some bump fists.

348. Brian, Brian, calm down.

349. I freaked out a bit, but I promise you I'm gonna get there.

350. Marriage.

351. Fuck you, Liz! This isn't about you! - Man.

352. This is about Brian and imaginary Charlie and I.

353. Me. - Liz, don't provoke me!

354. You're supposed to be the audience.

355. So unless the audience is a group of blueberry-eating assholes,

356. you're not in character.

357. Fuck you! - Take a walk. She's not worth it.

358. Fuck you, Liz.

359. You are not gonna ruin the best day of my life, you grammar witch.

360. These are good blueberries.

361. How you feeling? - I'm feeling good.

362. Feeling fine. That's not why I called.

363. I—

364. I know it's the worst place in the world,

365. but what are your feelings about Las Vegas?

366. Well, don't judge me, but I fucking love it.

367. I do too.

368. I was wondering if you and Mason and Dave

369. could join me there this weekend.

370. My treat. - Wow.

371. Shoot, we can't.

372. Sorry.

373. Mason's got a school play this Saturday.

374. Okay, well, how about if you could come Sunday?

375. I could stay an extra couple days. - Why does it have to be this weekend?

376. It's no big deal, but I'm getting this lifetime achievement thing from the APA—

377. Right. No, I almost forgot. Work first, everything else second.

378. No. Come on. Let me start over. - I gotta go, Dad.

379. It could be any weekend. - I gotta go.

380. Fuck.

381. You don't know nothing about nothing, and you give horrible advice.

382. One of your patients?

383. No, that's my boss and mentor. Yeah.

384. Hi, Paul.

385. Paul, are you in a good enough mood for me to ask you for an annoying favor?

386. No. - Okay, well, I don't care.

387. I'm gonna do it anyway.

388. I'm applying for a professorship. - A professorship?

389. Gaby, academia is the fifth circle of hell.

390. It goes babies, musicals, magic, kale, academia.

391. Don't come for magic. You know I went to magic camp, okay?

392. I can pull shit out of your ears that would astound you.

393. Leave my ears alone. - Okay.

394. What do you want?

395. I was wondering if you could write me a recommendation.

396. Why are you chasing a professorship?

397. Because even with my current patient roster, I still have the bandwidth.

398. And we've talked about this.

399. More teachers that look like me mean more therapists that look like me.

400. And I'm not talking about tall and hot as shit.

401. I'm talking about—

402. Black. - Exactly.

403. Plus, with all this safe dick I'm getting, I got plenty of time.

404. What is safe dick?

405. Simple, uncomplicated sex that doesn't ruin your life.

406. So, Julie—

407. Easy.

408. Even though she is a woman, could be thought of as "safe dick"?

409. Sure.

410. Cool.

411. Write whatever recommendation you want, and I'll sign it.

412. Are you sure I'm not putting you out? I could sign it for you too.

413. Awesome.

414. Isn't this place great? - Very nice.

415. It's a small wedding, so we're only gonna spend a million.

416. Really? - He doesn't always get sarcasm.

417. Brian says that about anyone who doesn't like his jokes.

418. There's the wedding planner. - Hey.

419. Be back in a sec. - Okay.

420. I like him.

421. Me too.

422. I'm really glad you're here.

423. I wouldn't miss it.

424. So are you gonna go with the classic tuxedo look?

425. A classic tuxedo will be one of my outfits, yes.

426. There'll be costume changes?

427. Yeah, just like my 16th birthday.

428. So, hey, been meaning to ask you...

429. Jimmy was supposed to be my best man, but now he's performing the ceremony,

430. and...

431. I was hoping you'd stand up there with me.

432. Well, that's nice of you to ask, Brian.

433. But, you know, I'd—

434. I'd be happier just sitting with your mom.

435. Course. Yeah. No problem.

436. Being grounded sucks, but he's been around.

437. You know, checking my homework, making dinner.

438. Total dad mode.

439. And that's good, right? - Yeah.

440. Give me my hat back.

441. You told me to wear it 'cause it's hot and sunny.

442. But now I'm hot.

443. Okay, damn.

444. Hey.

445. Hey. - Am I interrupting?

446. We just finished. - Okay, cool.

447. Am I allowed to make fun of the hat?

448. I wouldn't.

449. You want a lift? I'm gonna visit Mom, if you wanna come.

450. No, I biked. Plus, I have to help Sean with something.

451. Yeah. - You good?

452. So good.

453. Okay.

454. Paul, before you get back to that newsroom from the '40s—

455. Sorry, you always call me on my shit.

456. I think it's time for me to return the favor.

457. Think I'll pass. - You don't get to pass.

458. Oh, damn.

459. Look, you invited Meg to Vegas. You got burned. It sucks.

460. But you know what? At least you let her know how you feel.

461. And you gotta keep doing that.

462. He's right.

463. Who asked you? Or you?

464. The weekend with Meg fell apart 'cause of the award thing.

465. But they can just mail me the stupid thing.

466. Jesus, now you're not gonna go? You're being honored, Paul.

467. Come on. I'll go with you.

468. That's not exactly a selling point.

469. What about this doctor that you're having S-E-X with?

470. You're sleeping with your doctor? Oh, my God. Is she cute? Do you like her?

471. Gaby says that he does.

472. Gaby also says, and I quote, "Her legs are insane!"

473. Okay. - Fucking Gaby.

474. You like her, Paul. Ask her.

475. Why is it so hard for you to be vulnerable?

476. This whole Fortress of Solitude thing,

477. it's getting old.

478. Sometimes you gotta put yourself out there. Make a big gesture.

479. People love a big gesture.

480. Huge gesture.

481. Are you done? - Only if you're gonna listen to me.

482. Then we're in a tricky spot.

483. You know I'm right.

484. It felt fucking good to say that to you.

485. Hey, I love you both.

486. Bye.

487. Come on.

488. I told you he's doing better.

489. It's fucking annoying.

490. So, I see you are serious about White Guilt Catering.

491. I'm not sure I settled on the name, but yeah.

492. I need investors, and you said you were in.

493. We were kidding around, and now you're pretending we weren't?

494. I was, but now I'm getting kinda scared.

495. Hey, you're okay.

496. You're in on this? - Yeah.

497. I love to support small Black businesses.

498. What businesses do you support?

499. I am a Black business.

500. It's a lot of money. I would have to talk to Derek.

501. Everyone, calm down. - Okay, copy that.

502. Hey, D-Train.

503. What up, G-Spot?

504. You cool if Liz gave 20 grand to Sean's new catering business?

505. Sure.

506. Took a while for him to come around, but he did. You in?

507. I don't know. I'm super busy right now.

508. Liz, remember when you gave this to me?

509. You're invoking the rock?

510. That's a pretty-ass rock.

511. I want one. - No, you haven't earned it, "G-Spot."

512. You gave it to me when Mom died,

513. and you said that it meant that you love me

514. and that you'd always have my back.

515. And this last year, you've shown up for me over and over again,

516. and I'm so grateful, so thank you.

517. You're welcome.

518. And maybe it's unfair to ask,

519. but I was wondering if you could show up for me one more time

520. and help out with Sean.

521. That is the most manipulative you've ever been.

522. Yeah, that was good shit.

523. So?

524. Let's do it.

525. Yes! - Yay!

526. All right. - There it is.

527. You know what? I could help with marketing, PR. I'm great at merch.

528. That's the best part. You don't need to get involved.

529. I'll take care of everything.

530. Cool. - Thank you.

531. Good job.

532. You're the best. Thank you. - You rock, Liz.

533. Hey. Come here.

534. You get your little feelings hurt? Sorry.

535. Let me get one of those rocks. - No.

536. Come on. Don't be like that.

537. No, you played me today.

538. Hi. - Hey.

539. Would you like to go away with me for the weekend?

540. When?

541. Now.

542. You know you're a ridiculous person, right?

543. Yeah.

544. Okay. If anyone asks, you invited me a week ago,

545. and I deliberated a great deal.

546. Okay.

547. Give me five minutes. - You got it.

548. You still got it, man.

549. Hey, you.

550. Okay.

551. Oh, my God. They're beautiful. - Yeah?

552. I had to make up for last year's birthday debacle.

553. I really did think we'd both love a gigantic television.

554. Anyways, happy birthday. I love you.

555. Let me fix you.

556. We're late. - No, it's gonna be perfect.

557. You know what you're going to say?

558. I'll just wing it.

559. Excuse me. - Yeah, sure.

560. Are these seats taken?

561. Dad, what are you doing here?

562. Vegas is too hot.

563. Besides, I love fourth-grade musicals.

564. Dave. - Paul.

565. So which one is yours?

566. I think it's the big gray mouse.

567. It's an elephant, Dad. - It's an elephant?

568. The big gray mouse that's an elephant. - Good-looking elephant.

569. Yeah, he's a good-looking boy.

570. Behold, the mighty jungle.

571. I knew you liked her.

572. She's not with me.

573. You're up!

574. Good. Okay, hi. I wanna show you a song.

575. Holy shit. Listening parties are back.

576. Okay, this is gonna put you in a good mood immediately.

577. Okay.

578. Okay. I get the appeal.

579. Don't ruin it for me. - Okay. All right.

580. Okay. Thank you.

581. We play this on the bus on the way to away games.

582. Oh, my God. Summer gets so hyped, she crushed a Gatorade bottle on her head.

583. Oh, my God. That is so Summer.

584. So Summer. - Tell her to never change.

585. Hey, when is your next game? - I think next Tuesday. Let's see.

586. Oh, shit.

587. We forgot Mom's birthday.

588. No, I—

589. Oh, my God.

590. You asked me if I wanted to visit her yesterday.

591. I did.

592. We didn't forget. I forgot.

593. I forgot. Fuck! Oh, my God. Why didn't you tell me?

594. I thought that maybe you knew, and you just wanted some space.

595. Shit! I'm such a piece of shit. - No.

596. No, sweetie. - What's wrong with me?

597. How did I forget? I forgot—

598. It was a mistake.

599. Honey, look at me.

600. It's okay.

601. No, it's not.

602. Alice.