Shrinking 1x8

1. Hi, Grandpa.

2. Mase-man. How you doing?

3. I thought I was gonna get your mom's voice mail again. How are ya?

4. I'm good. - How's baseball going?

5. Awesome. I'm playing center field.

6. Wow. Very important position.

7. Much better than right field. That's where they put all the nerds.

8. You're not supposed to say "nerds."

9. Not supposed to say "nerds?"

10. That's stupid.

11. Kiddo, is your mom around? Could you put your mom on?

12. Hello? - Paul.

13. Paul, hey. Hey, it's Dave.

14. Look. Meg is in the shower,

15. but you know she doesn't wanna talk right now.

16. Yeah, well, do me a favor, Dave. Will you just tell her that that's childish?

17. Good talking to you, Paul.

18. Well, it's good talking to you too, Dave.

19. Bye.

20. For a week or so, Donny was great.

21. But now he's back to criticizing every single thing I do.

22. Well, Grace,

23. you know my professional opinion.

24. Your husband's a fucking tool.

25. I'm sorry, but he has the energy of an '80s movie villain, you know?

26. Like, he would definitely sweep the leg if he was commanded to by his sensei.

27. Well, it never stops. And I do everything.

28. Like, all he does is make coffee.

29. Like, "Eggs are too runny, Grace, but this coffee's next level.

30. You fucked up the laundry again but my coffee is tight as shit."

31. I'm sorry, he says "tight as shit" about a beverage?

32. You know, sometimes I just wanna push his precious coffee right off the table.

33. Just like, boop. All over his weird balls.

34. Weird how?

35. They're enormous, and they're just not—

36. Okay, I don't need to know. You should do it, Grace.

37. I mean, not onto his testicles, 'cause that would be assault, but yeah,

38. like, into a kitchen sink or something. That's called a pattern interrupt.

39. So, boop him?

40. Boop. Nobody changes bad behavior without consequences.

41. You fuck up, Grace, you gotta face the music.

42. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna be facing it later today.

43. Why? What'd you do?

44. I'm sorry that I had sex with Auntie Gaby.

45. Oh, my God.

46. Dude, she's literally never called me "Auntie Gaby" in her fucking life.

47. Why would you say that? Are you trying to make it weirder for her?

48. I'm not trying, it's just happening.

49. Okay, I'm gonna go.

50. Wait. Please, please, please. Just—

51. We feel like the only way to get to the other side of this

52. is with an honest conversation. - Right.

53. I don't wanna hear about how you desecrated Gaby.

54. Hold up. We actually desecrated each other.

55. That's right. She did a lot of the heavy lifting.

56. And you know me. You really think I didn't have a fucking say in this?

57. You think it's just all based on his charisma and his game?

58. Look at your dad's face. That's the face of somebody who's only slept with what?

59. Two to three women tops.

60. It's just face. - Okay.

61. Oh, my God. Fine, you win, Gaby. Okay?

62. I'm fucking mad at you too. Do you want me to call you Mommy?

63. Hey, I don't like that. I don't like that one bit.

64. Your father and I, we had a discussion, and we decided that it was a huge mistake.

65. Absolutely right. We were both just in a vulnerable spot, and—

66. No. - Okay.

67. And it meant nothing. - Nothing.

68. So, to get this straight, you bang someone who doesn't mean anything to you,

69. but meant a lot to Mom, and you did it in Mom's bed?

70. It's my bed too, okay? Did it come from her childhood home? Yes.

71. Was that a gift from Grandpa after Grandma died? Sure.

72. But it wasn't just her bed, it was mine also.

73. Also, it didn't all happen in the bed.

74. Stop, stop, stop.

75. There was some standing. - Oh, Jesus.

76. I'm gonna go puke.

77. Yeah. Fair. That was fair.

78. What the fuck is wrong with you?

79. We said we were gonna be honest, and there was some standing.

80. See you at work.

81. How do you eat this shit?

82. You've never had Fun Dip?

83. No, I've never had Fun Dip.

84. You just scoop up the sugar stuff with the stick

85. and afterwards you can eat the stick.

86. No shit? - Yeah.

87. Why do I have to pay you in candy?

88. 'Cause you're poor and I like candy.

89. Summer keeps texting me about her fucking Garden Party tonight.

90. What's a Garden Party?

91. It's like Drinks Under the Bridge,

92. except everybody sneaks into Kinneola Gardens and gets fucked up there.

93. Summer's good at naming things.

94. Maybe I should go. Everyone in my life just does whatever they want.

95. You know, last week, I was at the beach and this USC guy came up to me

96. and was asking me where I went to college, and totally hitting on me.

97. Maybe I should've just gone home with him on his Vespa.

98. Don't even joke about hooking up with guys who ride Vespas.

99. You can eat this?

100. That's good stick.

101. You are the only normal adult in my life right now.

102. Yeah. My dad is being such a stupid asshole.

103. Why don't you just cut him some slack?

104. You young people think you're the only ones in the world with problems.

105. Your dad's going through some shit.

106. Everyone is.

107. It's not just all about you, you know?

108. I never said it was. - What—

109. But you said these talks were for venting about what's bothering me, so—

110. Oh, my God. I don't know what's up your butt but fuck this.

111. Okay. Look, I'm sorry.

112. I was—

113. I'm stuck in my own stuff.

114. I shouldn't have put it on you.

115. Please don't go. Come on. If you go, I'm gonna feel like shit.

116. Bye.

117. You've got a way with women, don't you, Paul?

118. Shit.

119. That is a very bad hiking outfit.

120. You think? I already have swamp ass.

121. I was hoping we could talk before you started hiking.

122. Yeah, sorry man. I can't be flexible with my wedding workout schedule.

123. I'm just a few weeks away from being shirtless all the time.

124. Even at work and restaurants.

125. I don't even fuck shirtless anymore.

126. Hey, listen, Charlie. I already spoke to Brian about my behavior at the party,

127. but I wanted to apologize to you also.

128. It's all good. We love you, Jimmy. - Yeah.

129. By the way, we're moving the wedding up.

130. Next month is the perfect time for us to both take off from work.

131. Also, if we throw it together fast

132. we can accidentally forget to invite anyone we secretly hate.

133. Ben.

134. And hey, man. Stop for a second, okay?

135. I know that we promised to officiate for each other...

136. Yeah.

137. but I'm sure the last thing you wanna do is make a big speech

138. about love and marriage.

139. No, what? Are you kidding? I'm super excited about this.

140. I'm gonna knock it out of the park just like you did for Tia and me.

141. Hey, I'm gonna head back. Because my thighs are bleeding through my pants,

142. so I'll see you guys later. - Okay.

143. Bye. - Bye. Bye, buddy.

144. Great job telling him you didn't want him to marry us.

145. Be quiet.

146. Bye! - Bye!

147. Fuck. - It's okay.

148. I have a question for you. How do you feel about art shows?

149. Kill me dead.

150. Okay. Well, do you wanna come with me to an art show?

151. Yes, I'll drive. Too thirsty?

152. Yes, but it works for us. That's part of our brand.

153. We have a brand?

154. I'm so excited we have a brand.

155. But listen, here's the deal,

156. Nico invited me to his art show and I really wanna support.

157. How's his stuff?

158. Do his painting actually look like something,

159. or are they just kind of, like, blah?

160. Some are "blah," but then some are like, "Okay."

161. Hey, y'all.

162. Hi.

163. Liz, I got your platter from the barbecue.

164. Thank you.

165. Hey, Sean. Would you wanna go to an art show with us?

166. Like paintings?

167. Some are "blah," but some are "okay."

168. I think you'll dig it.

169. Plus, you know I can't bring a rich white lady to an art show

170. without bringing a Black person to balance it.

171. Say less. I got you. - Thanks, fam.

172. My other Black friends bring me places without balancing it out.

173. Liz, you ain't got no other Black friends.

174. Not a chance in hell. - I know.

175. But I want to so bad.

176. Yeah.

177. Hey. - Hey.

178. I'm just cleaning some residual puke out of the piano.

179. As you can see, the high C, still not working.

180. Ah, well. You know, worst case scenario

181. you just have to throw the whole thing away.

182. I need to tell you something. - What's up?

183. I thought I was gonna get away with leaving you a note.

184. I didn't see your car.

185. Wait, sorry. Where's my car?

186. I don't know.

187. What the hell?

188. Maybe Alice took it?

189. She doesn't have a license.

190. Alice!

191. Are you home? Alice!

192. This is not good.

193. Don't worry. This just happened with our dog. Did you have her chipped?

194. Yeah.

195. This is pretty cool.

196. Right? Plus, you needed a break from all those rich white people.

197. Do you think they validate?

198. It was fun while it lasted. - Yeah.

199. Oh, shit.

200. What? - Look.

201. Over there, those women. - Here?

202. Those are some of Nico's old friends. I don't think they like me very much.

203. Well, then they're stupid. Who do we hate the most?

204. You can be subtle. My key chain has a laser pointer.

205. I don't know. It's hard to choose. They all suck ass.

206. I bet she's the worst.

207. Hey! Stop it. - What?

208. I can't stand that ho. - Ho.

209. Look like she talking shit about you right now.

210. She does, doesn't she?

211. She's probably like,

212. "Look at her with her fine ass, 6' tall, got a PhD.

213. Looking very moisturized, all— Having all cool sex all the time."

214. So, in your head you think she's calling you "moisturized?"

215. I didn't say she was blind, Sean. I said she was a bitch. Get with it, man.

216. Okay.

217. Guys, we shouldn't have come.

218. No, Nico wanted you to.

219. Actually, he didn't.

220. When he used to have shows,

221. he would get so stressed that he would relapse.

222. I guess I wanted to come to make sure he's okay.

223. I wanted to check on him.

224. So, you're codependent. Got it.

225. The fuck? You don't know my life. You don't know me.

226. Okay. It's getting a little real. I'll be back in five.

227. Oh, come on.

228. Listen, Liz. I feel really vulnerable right now

229. and there's plenty other time to call me out on my bullshit,

230. but for now, I just want some unconditional support,

231. and for you to throw me a superficial compliment or two

232. if it looks like I'm spinning out.

233. Copy that. I can be a jerk.

234. That's why all of my friends are rocks.

235. But I do really appreciate you coming, okay?

236. Honestly, I haven't seen Nico since the divorce.

237. What if he gets mad that I came?

238. What if we get into this, like, big public fight?

239. You're so pretty.

240. Hey, that was great. You're a fast learner.

241. That girl has nice abs.

242. She does, but she doesn't have a head.

243. I'd give up my head for those abs.

244. Hey, Jimmy. What did you do?

245. Why would you say that?

246. Because you do a lot of dumb shit.

247. Fair, but maybe this time, I'm just calling to say hello.

248. Are you?

249. Nope. I lost my kid and my car.

250. You were with her earlier, right? Do you have any idea where she might be?

251. Oh, fuck.

252. You really didn't have to come, Paul. It's just a couple of minutes away.

253. Yeah, I did. This whole Garden Party thing is all my fault.

254. I'm the Jimmy in this situation.

255. What? - The fuck up.

256. Of course.

257. "Of course?" Seriously?

258. I was upset with my daughter and I took it out on Alice.

259. Cardinal sin for a therapist.

260. Come on. You had an off day. I've had plenty of off days.

261. Once I told a patient to relieve stress, she should masturbate instead of meditate.

262. They both work.

263. What is Kevin doing here?

264. This is my car. If you're wondering why I'm in the back seat,

265. that's probably a self-esteem thing. - You think?

266. He was at my place because he had something to tell me.

267. What was it? - Forget about that. Let's focus on Alice.

268. What, is it bad?

269. No. No.

270. It was bad.

271. Come on. Just tell me.

272. Okay. I don't want you to officiate our wedding.

273. Why the fuck would you tell me that right now?

274. You told me to. Jimmy, you fell apart at our engagement party.

275. There's no way you're gonna hold it together for an entire wedding.

276. I did not fall apart, okay?

277. Fuck! Yes, I did. Okay, fine. Fuck!

278. Man, I'm sorry. This is not a big deal.

279. Paul, it's not a big deal, right?

280. I thought you two were best friends.

281. Wow, you really hate this painting.

282. No, that's a look of self-hatred.

283. I actually really—

284. I really dig this one.

285. I'm Aliyah. I actually run the gallery.

286. Awesome. I'm Gaby. Nice to meet you. - Yeah. Nice to meet you, Gaby.

287. Why are you here beating yourself up, Gaby?

288. You know, just putting the needs of some guy I'm no longer with

289. before my own self-care.

290. Yes. I'm very familiar. - You know? Yeah.

291. If it helps, I like to save every wounded man that I meet.

292. Even when they don't want me to.

293. Sometimes they steal from me.

294. Oh, no. Yeah, holy shit. - Yeah.

295. You're a disaster. - Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

296. Well, I'm gonna go see if this artist is ever gonna show.

297. So, it was nice meeting you. - You too.

298. I'll see you around. - Yeah, totally.

299. This one's blah. - Oh, come on.

300. Where were you? - I was here. I just made a new friend.

301. Is it her?

302. Hey. Stop.

303. Does she wanna fuck you?

304. God, I don't know yet.

305. Okay, they're probably up by the gazebo.

306. Do you think he's still mad at me?

307. It's been over eight minutes. He's probably forgotten all about it.

308. Holy shit. - Oh, my God. Is that a peacock?

309. Goddamn things are all over the park.

310. Wait, what does it mean when they spread their feathers like that?

311. I can't remember. They either want to attack us or fuck us.

312. Not sure which I prefer.

313. So we're gonna need a distraction.

314. I volunteer as tribute.

315. Don't care if I lose an eye, if it means you forgive me.

316. Look, I know that I fucked up. I just— I was really excited about this.

317. I'm sorry. I can't.

318. I just— I want that day to be perfect in—

319. Sorry, got bored.

320. Okay. Let's go, all right.

321. So, how's the job search going?

322. Almost as bad as this tiny-ass crab cake. This tastes like shit. Try it.

323. That is a great sales pitch, Sean. I'm gonna pass.

324. I could do way better.

325. Honestly, I would love to get into catering,

326. but there's already, like, a million in Pasadena.

327. Yeah, but you have an angle. Not only can you cook,

328. but all my snobby friends would kill to say,

329. "Our caterer is a young Black veteran. I discovered him. He's amazing."

330. You know a lot of snobs? - They're my people.

331. Hey. Guys.

332. You know, I could call it "White Guilt Catering."

333. I'd invest.

334. You guys see this painting?

335. Blah.

336. Yeah, well, it's me.

337. Okay. Yeah. - Okay.

338. Goddamn peacocks.

339. Guys, come on. I said no drugs. They're wrong.

340. Hey, Summer. - Hi, Mr. Laird.

341. Is Alice here?

342. She bailed. Dumb move. She's missing a rager.

343. Is she? This guy's playing Wordle on his phone.

344. Hey, where'd did she go?

345. Don't know. Sorry.

346. She's lying.

347. Yes. I've met Summer before, Paul. - Yeah.

348. Okay.

349. So, here's the deal.

350. I wasn't freaking out when I thought that Alice was with you.

351. It actually didn't bother me when she took my car.

352. You know why? 'Cause she knows how to drive.

353. I taught her when she was getting her permit.

354. But she never got her license 'cause her mom had that accident.

355. Probably should've made her, you know,

356. but I was pretty checked out.

357. To be honest, this was all much easier when I was numb and not paying attention.

358. But now I am.

359. And my kid is not here, and I'm really worried about her.

360. So, how about you do me a solid and tell me where the fuck she is?

361. She went to USC.

362. Oh, shit. She said she met some college kid on a Vespa.

363. Not a Vespa guy.

364. I know. I told her.

365. She sent me his address.

366. Just wanted us to know where she was in case he killed her

367. and we needed to find her body. - Okay.

368. Okay. Now I'm really fucking stressed.

369. I'm good, man.

370. Yeah, go.

371. Hey, you guys know Luke? Is Luke here?

372. Stop trying to fuck your English teacher.

373. You have to let her go.

374. That's me. You guys can't tell?

375. In our defense, her head is a triangle.

376. This is called Muse on Couch.

377. I'm a therapist. What do therapists sit on?

378. Couches.

379. Also, I'm a muse. I'm musing here. I'm musing there.

380. I'm musing all over the fucking place. - Uh-huh.

381. Hey, Gaby.

382. Hi, Nico.

383. Hi. It's so nice to meet you. I'm Liz. I've heard so much about you.

384. What? Not so much. Just a normal amount.

385. Right. My bad. - I'm Sean.

386. Hey. - Heard about you when I read your sign.

387. Nice to meet you both.

388. Come on. I know when to walk away way more than you do.

389. I know. It's not my strong suit.

390. This is weird. - Yeah.

391. Yeah. I had this thing where I wanted you to come but I didn't think you would.

392. Well, I had this thing where I wasn't invited and I came anyway.

393. No, I'm glad you did. It wouldn't feel right if you weren't here.

394. Plus, I wanted you to see me doing better.

395. I'm really proud of you.

396. I gotta go work the room.

397. You better work. You better work that room.

398. Oh, my God. These kids look so young.

399. At our age, everybody looks young.

400. Our age? We are not peers.

401. Okay, here it is. Guys, look, I wanna scare the shit out of this kid,

402. so let's try to look like badasses.

403. You're the weak link.

404. I know. I was psyching myself up, Paul.

405. You're Chet, right?

406. Where's Alice?

407. I think your grandpa and dads are here.

408. Oh, my God. How did you find me?

409. We'll talk about it later. Let's go.

410. I'm an attorney. You know she's underage, right?

411. No. No, you told me you were 19. - Yeah. Well, she's 12.

412. What? - I'm not 12.

413. You coming, Paul?

414. I'm not done scaring him yet.

415. There it is. Good night, Chet.

416. Excuse me. Thanks.

417. Sparkling cider?

418. Well, apparently it's a dry event.

419. Oh, fuck that.

420. I'm sorry. It's just— Look at him.

421. He's not just doing okay. He's doing great.

422. And that makes you angry?

423. Yes. Explain it to him.

424. She's so mad, Sean. How are you not getting that?

425. I mean, I put in the work, Sean. Like eight long years.

426. Eight of 'em, Sean.

427. We split up, and then he chooses to be the best version of himself?

428. I get it now. Now, that makes sense.

429. You didn't know why I was mad, you were just going along with it?

430. Love you.

431. Love you. - Okay, now I'm on board. Nico's a dick.

432. Nico's a dick.

433. No, Sean. Nico's a great person.

434. Yeah, Sean, you dummy.

435. Okay, back in five. Maybe ten.

436. What am I doing? I should be happy that he got his act together.

437. I can't be some petty bitch for the rest of my life, you know?

438. Enjoy it for one night.

439. Hey, everybody. Thank you all so much for coming out tonight.

440. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, it means a lot.

441. My friends, peers, loved ones, people who brought their wallets.

442. And especially those who helped get me here.

443. Oh, fuck.

444. Did she say anything in the car?

445. No. Not a word.

446. Oh, man. You know, my dad was kind of a gruff, intimidating guy.

447. No way. - Stop it.

448. I never would've got away with any of the shit that Alice pulled tonight.

449. What's her punishment gonna be?

450. Nothing. Jimmy's gonna let her off the hook.

451. Come on. You don't know that.

452. Yeah, I do.

453. You've screwed up so many times,

454. you think you don't have the right to be upset with anybody.

455. Christ. Look at this guy.

456. You're pissed at him, and he's sucking on one of your beers.

457. This beer's actually really good. What is it, an IPA?

458. Boop.

459. Boop?

460. Yeah, boop.

461. Boop? - Yeah, boop.

462. Look, man. You hurt my feelings. I'm gonna need some time.

463. Are you proud of yourself? - Always.

464. Yeah, good night, Brian.

465. Okay. Yeah.

466. May I— - Good night, Brian.

467. Okay.

468. Boop? Who says "boop?"

469. Yeah. - How did that feel?

470. Yeah, that felt good. But that's 'cause I know that he and I are gonna be okay.

471. It's different with Alice. We're on shaky grounds.

472. All the more reason.

473. Tough talk, Paul. How's it going with Meg?

474. Total shit show.

475. Sorry.

476. I'd kill to be able to be her dad again. You still have a shot with Alice.

477. But you gotta stop being a coward.

478. Put the hammer down. She'll appreciate it.

479. No, she won't.

480. Maybe not.

481. But you'll feel good about yourself.

482. You know why? 'Cause it's your job.

483. But, hey. What do I know?

484. Somebody gotta give me a ride home.

485. I'm the only one here, Paul.

486. You'll do.

487. I'm gonna go and say goodbye.

488. We got you. - Thanks.

489. Honestly, there's one person, and I wouldn't be here without her.

490. Might sound corny, but she's my muse.

491. Right on cue. - You talking about me?

492. Maybe.

493. Honestly, it's a little bit embarrassing,

494. but Nico told me that this painting is actually me.

495. You ready to go?

496. Not yet. - Uh-oh.

497. Hey, Nico. Hi.

498. That painting is me.

499. Muse on a Couch is me. Check it out. What's that?

500. Look. It's a freckle

501. that you know about from all the sex we had together. And—

502. Liz, a little help, please. - I got you.

503. A freckle. That freckle. Me.

504. Freckle here. Freckle there. Freckle here. Freckle there! That painting is me!

505. And, Aliyah, I'm really sorry you had to experience me like this.

506. I think you have a sick and cool vibe, and I love your outfit,

507. I love your fucking earrings, and everything about you is super tight.

508. Good night. Thank you. - This is bullshit.

509. You know what? I shouldn't do this, but I will.

510. No, don't.

511. I'm not gonna kink shame, but maybe I will.

512. No. - He loves thumbs in the butt.

513. All right. - That was a part of all the work I did.

514. I put thumbs in the butt,

515. It was nice meeting you. - and he loved it.

516. Sometimes I would put two thumbs in his butt,

517. and he'd say, "More, more. I want more." - Thank you. Sorry. It was a lovely event.

518. Lovely. I mean, y'all just— Y'all killed this shit.

519. The painter is a butt man.

520. Hey. Took you a long time.

521. Yeah, I had to go to, like,

522. three different gas stations to find Fun Dip for Paul.

523. He's like a junkie now. Keeps talking about getting his sticks.

524. Yeah, that's my bad. I guess all of tonight was my bad.

525. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

526. No it won't. Not for at least two months, 'cause you're grounded.

527. Grounded? You can't be serious.

528. Try me.

529. You can't ground me. You've been a train wreck for the last year.

530. Okay, you know what?

531. That may be true, but I pay the bills, so I make the rules.

532. From now on, you go to school, you go to soccer practice,

533. and then you come home. Nothing else.

534. W— I'm going to Japanese Breakfast next week.

535. Well, it looks like you're gonna have to eat it at home.

536. It's a band, asshole.

537. Well, with an ironic name like that, they must be fantastic.

538. They fucking are. And you know what? Mom would have never done this.

539. Yes, she would.

540. Yes, she would, and you fucking know it.

541. I fucking hate you!

542. Yeah, well, I fucking love you!