Shrinking 1x5

1. I barely slept. You snored like crazy.

2. That's impossible. I don't snore.

3. Right. Must've been me. - Yeah.

4. Yeah.

5. Bye. - Bye.

6. Hey. How goes it, Derek?

7. Great! My wife has no faults.

8. Happy for you, man.

9. Morning. What's going on?

10. So you were right about Alice crushing on Sean.

11. Wait, don't move. Don't move.

12. Jesus Christ. - Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

13. It's so early, Liz.

14. Come on, come on.

15. Fuck me. - Come, come, come.

16. We fucking told you. - We were supposed to say it together.

17. I'm sorry. I just got— I got so excited about roasting him.

18. What are you doing here? - Funny you should ask.

19. Last night, we got pretty twisted... - "Shmammered."

20. and I would feel pretty self-conscious about it,

21. but I feel like this was meant to be.

22. It's like God had a plan for you to see Jimmy eat shit.

23. Wow.

24. You know what? Go ahead and gloat because the longer you do,

25. the later you are to pick up Paul for work.

26. Oh, fuck! Oh, no!

27. Yeah. Drive safe, you asshole. - Shut up!

28. Hope he's so mad, he woofs at you!

29. Sometimes Paul gets so mad, he woofs at you.

30. Okay. Listen, you trust Sean, right? - I do, yeah.

31. So don't sweat this crush thing.

32. I know. I mean, I will.

33. But don't. - Thanks, Liz.

34. Your husband's asleep in the driveway.

35. He's not bothering anybody.

36. Just trying to be a good grandfather. What can I get for his birthday?

37. Did you get Doritos? - What? Yes, I got Doritos.

38. What? - Mason wants Doritos.

39. For his birthday? - No,

40. he wants a Switch.

41. What the fuck is a Switch?

42. It's a gaming console that all of his friends have.

43. Why don't I get him some money?

44. He likes money, doesn't he?

45. Sure. Great.

46. Where is she? - Where's who, Dad?

47. Oh, my co-worker's been driving me to work, and she's not here.

48. Why is she driving you to work?

49. She wants company.

50. And she chose you?

51. I'm fun in a car. I do punch buggy.

52. Come on. What is going on? Is everything okay?

53. Nothing's going on. My car's in the shop, that's all.

54. Wait. She's here. - Dad.

55. I'll talk to you later. - Bye.

56. Oh, my gosh. Paul, I'm so, so sorry.

57. I just need to take a quick shower and change my clothes,

58. and then I'm gonna make a green juice. Do you want one? I'm so sorry.

59. Woof.

60. It's awful.

61. You're crazy. I think it's cute.

62. Hey. How are you two?

63. Sean hates his new license photo. Tell him it's good.

64. Okay.

65. Sean, you look great in this license photo.

66. Your cheekbones are poppin'. Poppin', poppin'.

67. And the fact that you're an organ donor makes you even hotter.

68. Why do you have to make things so weird?

69. I— It was a— It was a weird assignment.

70. Dude!

71. You okay?

72. Yeah, it's my dad. He keeps hitting me up to get together.

73. One minute, he's kicking me out. The next, he being all nice and shit.

74. Sean, you should stay mad at your dad for as long as you can.

75. Really? - No.

76. Don't do that. It's annoying.

77. Look, I relate— I'm in a really dysfunctional relationship

78. with Paul at the moment. But you know what?

79. Neither of us are getting anywhere just sitting here being resentful, right?

80. I mean, I kinda like it.

81. I know. It's so good.

82. But maybe we gotta, like, dive in, you know?

83. Get things moving forward.

84. You think I should see my dad?

85. Yeah, why not? You know what, let's be brave.

86. You and me, okay?

87. We'll grab these relationships by the balls, right?

88. Like—

89. Still so fucking weird.

90. It's pretty weird, man. - Yeah.

91. I mean, it's weird when you— when I see it.

92. And when I confronted him about the cheating, he wasn't even sorry.

93. He was like, "Yeah, so? She's hot."

94. That was a dream. It never happened.

95. Yes, but where did my subconscious get the idea?

96. Okay, yeah. Donna, I'm gonna have to side with Mark here.

97. Don't celebrate.

98. Can I have just, like, a little joy? - No.

99. And Donna, the dream thing.

100. Why don't you just take a nap and see if dream Mark apologizes?

101. He won't. Dream Mark is an asshole.

102. Well, in my dreams, you're awesome.

103. The only difference is your hands are pizza slices

104. that regenerate when I eat them.

105. We're done with dreams, all right?

106. No more talking about dreams for the rest of this session.

107. You lived together for years before you got married,

108. and you never argued this much.

109. She wasn't as crazy. - That's not helpful.

110. Point for me. - Don't do that.

111. There is no point system.

112. I don't know where you guys picked that up, so please stop.

113. Listen, when you guys were living together,

114. I think you guys knew subconsciously that you could leave.

115. But now you're married, so all of your issues just get magnified.

116. I think the best thing for you two to do

117. is share your insecurities with each other and process them together.

118. Do you and your husband do that?

119. You betcha.

120. "You betcha"? Who the fuck says "you betcha"?

121. Reba McEntire. - True.

122. You know, what I should've said was, "Marriage is a big-ass pit of misery,

123. and that's why I got divorced because it slowly sucks away your soul

124. until you wake up one day and you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror."

125. That's what the fuck I should've said.

126. No, you shouldn't say that. That's stupid.

127. Come on, Paul. Cheer me up a little bit.

128. Please. - Gaby.

129. Marriage is an institution that was created back when people died young.

130. It was built on land ownership, and procreation.

131. These days, it's mainly used to subjugate women and sell air fryers.

132. God. You suck at pep talks, you know that?

133. Yeah, I do. - That's okay, though,

134. 'cause it takes the sting out of the fact that you're Jimmy's mentor and not mine.

135. I'm not Jimmy's mentor.

136. You are, and you love it.

137. You know, when I started here, you and Jimmy were already tight.

138. You know, cool white guys talking about how much you guys like Nina Simone.

139. I love Nina Simone. - And you know what? It's fine.

140. If I had my choice, you wouldn't be my mentor anyway.

141. No? - No.

142. I would choose somebody who looked like me.

143. Well, that makes sense.

144. You know, when I was in grad school,

145. all my professors were cranky, old white guys.

146. I hate those guys.

147. Hey, Paul. How are ya?

148. Good? Good. Me too. Hey, Gabs. Good to see ya.

149. So, I was out in the hallway and I was gonna come in and ask you for help.

150. My patient, Grace, won't respond to me.

151. And then it occurred to me that you're not talking to me about patients,

152. so I decided not to come in.

153. Yet here you are.

154. Yet here I am.

155. Listen, Paul. I know you think that I've made some bad choices,

156. but can we please just move forward?

157. It's the buzzer.

158. I gotta be honest, I don't love the buzzer, Paul.

159. Then you should say things that I agree with.

160. Can you not do that right now? - It's funny.

161. You know what, Paul?

162. I used to think that I knew how you felt about me,

163. but I guess I was wrong.

164. And that's okay, because I don't need your advice

165. and I don't need your validation.

166. So how about henceforth, going forward, you and I,

167. we just don't talk at all?

168. 'Kay.

169. I don't want this. Take this. - Bye, Paul.

170. You know, you can be a real dick sometimes, Paul.

171. Sometimes?

172. Bye, babe. - Bye.

173. Hey. Is this bow tie cute, or do I look like Smithers from The Simpsons?

174. It's very cute.

175. You didn't even glance at me. - I didn't?

176. I am in danger of looking like an animated character

177. who's worn the same clothes for 30 years. Please?

178. Just— Come on, look. Is it cute?

179. Oh, wow. - Is it working?

180. Yes. - Thank you!

181. Yes. You are so cute.

182. Thanks. You're the best.

183. How'd you get so lucky, huh? - Everything goes my way.

184. What?

185. Nothing. Just love you.

186. Good. Everyone's here.

187. Sorry to interrupt you at work, but I have huge news. So sorry, not sorry.

188. "Sorry, not sorry" is something nobody says anymore,

189. so I want you... that from your vocabulary.

190. But I can still pull it off. I have the ability to say things

191. with an undercurrent of irony so you know I'm in on the joke.

192. La, la, la. Is this your fucking podcast? Speed it up. People got shit to do.

193. I guess I'm just nervous to tell you guys

194. because you just split up with Nico and Jimmy's got the...

195. Dead wife.

196. Yeah, but you're my closest friends, so I'm just gonna say it.

197. I'm gonna propose to Charlie.

198. Seriously? Nothing? Do you hate love?

199. No, no. We're happy for you, man.

200. It's just that you said you're gonna propose to Charlie

201. a million times and it hasn't happened.

202. So, it's just— It's starting to feel like...

203. what's the right word for this? - Little, itty-bitty, baby-bitch bullshit.

204. Yeah, that. Exactly that.

205. I have to go because I have a session at 10 a.m.

206. that's actually gonna happen. - Zing.

207. You're a monster. - Sorry, not sorry.

208. Wow, he nailed it. - No, no.

209. I take that back. I thought it was dead, but it seems like it's got life to it.

210. I'm buying the ring and then I'm rubbing it in your fucking faces.

211. It's a cool story to tell your kids.

212. I'm leaving now. - Okay.

213. Walking out backwards.

214. You are going to hit the door. - Not a care in the world. Did it.

215. Wow.

216. All right, Graham. Go long, young blood.

217. Bet. - Yeah, keep going!

218. Yes.

219. You never let me skip school.

220. He's only skipping art class. Plus, he misses you.

221. I miss him, too.

222. You good? You look good.

223. I am good. Moving forward.

224. Yeah. Keep it up. - Will do.

225. Dad. Did you give him the present?

226. Boom! Timing is everything. - The present?

227. Y'all got me a present? You jumping around like that.

228. What you get me? Some more socks?

229. Well, your mother did all the work.

230. She'd be really upset if I didn't mention that.

231. And she had your medals framed.

232. Remember when things get tough, this is who you are. A hero.

233. Thanks, Pop.

234. Actually, I gotta go. - Why?

235. Sean. - Yeah. I gotta— I love you guys.

236. All right. We'll catch you next time.

237. You thirsty? - Yeah. Can I have fruit punch?

238. Yeah. You look good out there. - Thank you.

239. Hey, can you cover for me with Mr. Alto? I'm ditching class.

240. Come here. I love this for you.

241. Ta-da.

242. It's still perfect, Keith. - It is.

243. So, do you want it?

244. I do not.

245. How can I help you, Reggie? What's going on?

246. A few weeks ago,

247. I randomly started getting this crippling anxiety in the mornings.

248. Sometimes it's hard to even leave my room.

249. Are you following the routines that we mapped out for you?

250. A hundred percent.

251. Anything else in your life change?

252. Now that you mention it...

253. What do you mean, Chipotle has a keto bowl?

254. That just makes it easier, doesn't it? Okay. I see you, Chipotle.

255. Hey. - Hi.

256. Is that a child's computer with the stickers and all?

257. We're not gonna get into the whole sticker-laptop thing again, okay?

258. What can I do for you? - So, I just saw this old patient of mine.

259. His psychopharmacologist changed his meds for no good reason.

260. Completely fucked up his brain chemistry.

261. I don't know why these dipshits think— - Wait, wait.

262. Hold on. - What?

263. You never come in here to talk to me about your patients.

264. Sure. I come in here all the time.

265. Only to criticize my laptop stickers

266. and ask why I have so many scrunchies on my lamp.

267. Why do you have so many scrunchies on your lamp?

268. I like the way they soften the lines of a— Wait, no.

269. Okay.

270. I know exactly what the fuck's going on here.

271. You do? - You used to only consult with Jimmy.

272. And now, you're just in here with me

273. because you pushed him away and now you miss him.

274. No, I don't miss him. - Yeah, you do.

275. And I value your professional opinion.

276. Do you know just how bad I have wanted to hear you say something like that?

277. But not like this, okay?

278. You just waltz up in here with your "You up?" energy,

279. and you expect me to drop my panties?

280. What the fuck is going on here?

281. I'm not your sloppy seconds. I think you should go.

282. All right? I don't even trust myself with you for another second.

283. Get. Please.

284. Look, I like your scrunchies. I just don't understand them.

285. Which patie— No, no. Bye.

286. Jimmy? - I'm sorry, I know this is

287. inappropriate, but it's the only way I could think of to get you to talk to me.

288. I'm about to show a house.

289. I know. To me.

290. You're Kevin Lactaid?

291. I'm terrible at making up fake names.

292. Look, I'm sorry I lied to you.

293. What was I supposed to do? He's my husband. I love him.

294. Grace, I understand.

295. I just got so embarrassed.

296. 'Cause you said if I was with him, you couldn't be my therapist.

297. I know that's what I said.

298. Okay, look, if you need me, I can be here for you.

299. No judgment.

300. Please, please.

301. Well, is my time still open? - Fuck, yeah.

302. I'm sorry.

303. Hello? Yeah, this is him.

304. Okay, I appreciate you letting me know.

305. I have to go. My kid cut school.

306. Don't worry. I used to cut school all the time,

307. mainly to have sex in Donny's van. Not this Donny.

308. 'Cause I didn't know him in high school. It was actually a different Donny.

309. Yeah, I have to go.

310. Bye.

311. My dad is all over the place.

312. Like, why would you ask to see me and I still can't even come home?

313. It's really fucking with my head.

314. Yeah, dads are crazy.

315. It's like my own father doesn't even know who I am.

316. No one does.

317. I do.

318. Hey, how high you think that is?

319. I don't think we're supposed to go in there.

320. Yeah, aight.

321. Hey, be careful.

322. Holy shit. - Sean!

323. You should come up. - No, thanks.

324. Your loss.

325. Sean, please come down!

326. Nah. I'm going higher.

327. This isn't funny! Don't go any higher.

328. Calm down. It's fun. Check this out.

329. Sean!

330. Holy shit! Wow!

331. Fuck.

332. Whoa, this is fucking crazy.

333. Okay, I have to go.

334. Hi. Hello.

335. Your school called to tell me that you ditched class.

336. So, would you care to explain yourself, young lady?

337. Young lady? - Yeah, that's right. I'm doing it.

338. I didn't think I'd ever have to, but now I am. Young. Lady.

339. Dude, I skipped English. And I have a 98 average.

340. And tomorrow, I'll just tell him I was sad and he won't punish me.

341. And neither should you because a month ago,

342. I was cleaning your cocaine off of a picture of Meemaw.

343. So, can we move on?

344. Deal.

345. Where were you? - Sean saw his dad and it set him off.

346. So, we went on a walk.

347. Just a walk? Just a jaunty little walk around the neighborhood?

348. I see what I'm doing with my body. I'm gonna stop. It's weird.

349. Cool dad. Talk to me.

350. I'm worried about Sean. He really freaked me out.

351. I don't think I like hiking

352. when I can't make people stop and look for rocks.

353. Oh, my gosh.

354. Liz, for the last time, we are not looking for rocks. All right?

355. She likes rocks. - In what way?

356. Don't worry about it. Did you buy the ring?

357. She told me everything.

358. I am obsessed. - Why is Liz here?

359. Don't try and avoid the subject. - What?

360. Did you buy a ring? - Yeah. Yes.

361. You know what that sounds a lot like?

362. No, what? - The basketball you got Alice.

363. Am I allowed to clap? - Please let me do it with you. Please.

364. What? No— - Show us the ring!

365. Okay, don't love you as friends.

366. You two are annoying. But whatever this is, it's working.

367. Look, I'm just saying. If you can't pull the trigger, then maybe

368. Charlie is not the right guy for you. - Agreed.

369. You know that Charlie is the right guy for me.

370. Okay, then maybe there's some trauma-informed avoidance going on.

371. Is there? - Maybe. Fuck, yeah.

372. Okay, stop. Maybe I don't wanna take advice about marriage

373. from someone who just... You know.

374. Are you divorce-shaming me, dude?

375. Don't fucking dare.

376. He did dare. - I should go.

377. Yeah. - I'm sorry, Gaby. I'm sorry.

378. Don't follow me.

379. I know what would make you feel better.

380. For the last time, I'm not looking for rocks.

381. Oh, come on!

382. Howdy. Hot tubs are supposed to make people happy.

383. What makes you think I'm not fuckin' happy?

384. The question. The way you asked it.

385. The way you put "fuckin'" right in front of "happy."

386. Kinda giveaways. - I'm good.

387. Dangle off any water towers lately?

388. Alice rat me out?

389. No. No. I follow the water tower on Twitter.

390. It's been quiet for a while.

391. So when I got the alert, I got fucking psyched.

392. Wanna talk about it?

393. You told me you were gonna stop pushing me.

394. And then you push me to go and see my dad, and that was all kinds of fucked up.

395. Yeah? Why? What happened?

396. See? You pushing me again.

397. Well, you know what? If you do something dangerous, I'm your doctor.

398. I gotta— kinda just come check on ya.

399. Maybe you shouldn't be my doctor anymore.

400. You're gonna fire me, Sean? What?

401. It's gonna be awkward when we see each other in the kitchen.

402. You're right. I should not be living here.

403. Sean, I feel like we've been on a really good path lately.

404. I appreciate you putting me up, but I'll be gone in the morning.

405. Come on, man. What are you doing?

406. Nah. It's like you said. Just keep moving forward.

407. I can tell he's hurting.

408. But he's not talking to me and it's so frustrating.

409. You gonna sit? - I'm mad.

410. You can be mad and sit.

411. I'm always mad. And I'm always sitting.

412. Dad tried to help. And now it's all fucked up.

413. And now Sean's moving out. And it's so stupid.

414. So you're angry with your father?

415. No. No, I'm angry at you.

416. Well, that's a twist.

417. I told him to ask you for help and he said you weren't speaking to him.

418. What the fuck, dude?

419. I just don't believe Sean should be living at your house.

420. Who gives a shit?

421. I finally felt ready to move forward and stop worrying about my dad.

422. But I could only do that because I knew that he had you.

423. Why do you have to be such a stubborn asshole?

424. See? You can sit and be mad.

425. That hat is ridiculous.

426. Now you're just lying to hurt me.

427. Fine. If you're so desperate to psychoanalyze me, do it.

428. Don't come in here with an attitude like that.

429. All right, listen. I overstepped.

430. No. - I tend to do that with people I love.

431. It's something I'm working on.

432. So, we don't need to talk. Thanks for the coffee.

433. I was the gayest boy in Texas.

434. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, you were.

435. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

436. Hey. So, where you gonna go? - I don't know.

437. Well, there's no rush. You know, you can—

438. you can stay here while you figure it out.

439. No more talking. - Okay.

440. These are cool. What are these? - What did I just say?

441. I didn't know that asking counted as talking.

442. Talking counts as talking.

443. Jimmy. I let myself in.

444. Hey. - I stole these from your fridge.

445. Sean, you want a beer? - Yeah.

446. I was way too terrified to be gay in college.

447. Oh, my God. Now everybody's gay in college.

448. I know. It sounds so fun. - Yeah.

449. I didn't even come out to my parents until after graduation.

450. All love, no shade, but how the fuck did they not know?

451. 'Cause back then I wore baseball caps and talked like this.

452. Oh, shit.

453. Yeah. - Straight Brian sounds really hot.

454. Oh, yeah? - Yeah. That's doing it for me.

455. Anyway, my parents are super religious.

456. So, I knew it would take them a while to come around.

457. But... I didn't know I'd still be waiting.

458. But how do we go from there to you becoming someone who says,

459. "Everything goes my way" so much that we all literally wanna dropkick you?

460. Easy. Everything does go my way.

461. Because...

462. I haven't taken another big risk since.

463. That way, I never get hurt.

464. Interesting. - Is that—

465. Is— Is that the trauma-informed avoidance

466. that you were talking about?

467. I mean, I fucking told you so. It's 100% textbook.

468. I love Charlie so much, but he could say no.

469. He would be insane... - Right.

470. but he could.

471. Or he could say yes and then it ends up not working out.

472. I mean, look at you. Sorry.

473. No, it's okay. My marriage was, like, a literal dumpster fire.

474. But honestly, I would absolutely risk it again.

475. Really? - Yeah.

476. It was worth it. - Okay.

477. Okay. - Thank you.

478. So I have to know.

479. What was sex with straight Brian like?

480. Thirty minutes of me pleasuring you,

481. then making an excuse to leave before it's my turn.

482. You sound perfect. Marry me.

483. I worked with a lot of vets, son.

484. These aren't party favors. What did you do to get these?

485. He's not gonna answer.

486. If you do answer, it's gonna piss him off.

487. Some shit went down and I helped a couple buddies out.

488. Come on, man.

489. My dad brought those to me. And I don't even want 'em.

490. Why don't you want 'em? Don't you think you deserve these?

491. Jimmy tell you I have Parkinson's?

492. No, he didn't. That sucks. - Yeah, it's not my favorite.

493. So, you know about it. This schmuck knows about it.

494. But I haven't been able to tell my own daughter.

495. Why not? - I'm scared.

496. I'm afraid she won't see me the same way she used to.

497. So, I won't be just her father.

498. I'll be this sad old man that needs to be taken care of.

499. And I know it's bullshit, but I'm stuck.

500. Everybody thinks I was some kind of hero over there.

501. I was a completely different person.

502. And I was kicking in doors, dragging people into the street,

503. and I was pointing guns at kids.

504. For what? For nothing. Who fucking does that?

505. A scared-shitless 21-year-old kid. That's who.

506. You're a good person. People love you.

507. And they're gonna love you regardless of what happened over there.

508. I still fucking hate myself every time I think about it.

509. So, what am I supposed to do? - The work.

510. We gotta overcome this emotional inertia.

511. You're lucky you got this guy.

512. Thank you. Thanks so much, Paul. That's really kind of you.

513. Sometimes it's okay if you don't chime in.

514. Sorry.

515. Sean...

516. I just want you to know that if there's anything, I'm—

517. I'm here for you.

518. Hey, man. He's way better than you at this kinda stuff.

519. Yeah, no shit.

520. What? All of a sudden you're an expert on hats?

521. Hey, Meg. Oh, he got it? Good.

522. Tell him not to spend it all in one place.

523. That's not why I called.

524. Is this— Is this a good time? You got a minute?

525. Good.

526. Honey...

527. I've got something I wanna tell you.