Shrinking 1x10

1. That looks delicious.

2. Uh-uh. That ain't for you.

3. That's mean. I'm starving.

4. Almost done.

5. Bringing these shrimp po'boys over to say thanks to Liz for investing.

6. Twenty grand is a lot of money.

7. Well, not for Liz. She's got a $8,000 toilet.

8. Does it turn shit to gold?

9. It does not, but it's got a heated seat.

10. You won't believe how good it makes your ass feel.

11. I've never been this uncomfortable in my life.

12. What the hell, Dad?

13. Save yourself.

14. - Good luck. - Yeah.

15. Are you kidding me right now?

16. Hey, if you're mad 'cause it's the morning and the whole house smells like shrimp—

17. Where the fuck is all of Mom's stuff?

18. I can't find her clothes, her photo albums, nothing.

19. I wanted to talk to you about that.

20. Wait, you're not wearing your wedding ring anymore?

21. No, I know this is weird.

22. Look, kid, for the last year,

23. the thought of moving forward has felt impossible.

24. And I'm just starting to feel like maybe for me it's time.

25. Does that make sense?

26. Because fuck the past, right?

27. You're such a selfish asshole!

28. She gets it.

29. Get the fuck out of here. You're a horrible person.

30. Is that Liz for, "This is delicious"?

31. - Oh, yeah. - It is.

32. - Oh, yeah. - Yes!

33. I haven't had shrimp this good since I was in "Barthelona."

34. Derek, absolutely not.

35. - That's how they say it. - Oh, my God.

36. I just wanted to say thank you for the investment.

37. Can I thank him too?

38. Technically, it's his money as well.

39. I earned my share by raising our children

40. and I'm quite good at sex.

41. Oh, yeah. Let me tell ya, rocks aren't the only thing she knows how to polish.

42. That's inappropriate.

43. Okay, I'm gonna go take a look at some food trucks.

44. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

45. - Good luck. - Good luck.

46. Wow. That was so good.

47. Babe?

48. I wanna check out the food trucks.

49. I wanna pick the truck. I wanna drive the truck.

50. I wanna honk the horn and make it go "beep beep."

51. Why don't you just tell him that?

52. - I can't. - Why?

53. You love me, so you don't always see it. I can be a lot.

54. - No. - Stop.

55. It's just— It's his dream, and he's not gonna want me hanging around.

56. Well, would it help to know that I always want you hanging around?

57. No, it makes it worse.

58. Yeah, I figured.

59. - Quickie later? - You bet, baby.

60. I will be lightning fast.

61. Yeah, you got it. That's the good stuff.

62. Oh, come on, Dad. It's breakfast.

63. What are you doing?

64. Grandpa shit.

65. Don't pay any attention to them. They're jealous.

66. - What do you think, huh? - It's awesome.

67. First one's free.

68. Why's your hand shaking?

69. I have Parkinson's.

70. It just means that sometimes when I want my body to do something,

71. it doesn't do it right away.

72. Are you gonna be okay?

73. Yeah— W— Yeah.

74. Plus, I mean, I get out of all kinds of stuff I don't wanna do.

75. Like washing the dishes,

76. or talking to strangers, or smiling.

77. I wish I had Parkinson's.

78. Okay, well, thank you, Dad.

79. The great news is that we are gonna see a lot more of him.

80. And when I'm not with you guys,

81. Dr. Baram's gonna be helping me, looking after me.

82. Why'd your doctor come here?

83. Because we're having sexual relations.

84. - Jesus, Paul. - Really?

85. Yeah, so then she came back downstairs

86. and asked me if the reason I'm losing weight

87. is to start dating again.

88. Foolish girl. She complimented you.

89. I know, that's all I heard. That I look great.

90. So, what are you gonna do?

91. I guess I'm just gonna eat shit until she gets past it, you know?

92. And then when she wants more, I'll be there.

93. You're a good dad.

94. Yeah, for two whole weeks.

95. - The era of shirtless Brian has begun. - Yeah!

96. I'm 100% there if I suck in. Ninety-five percent if I don't.

97. Is your dad gonna do the best man thing?

98. Nah, he had to pass.

99. Had to?

100. - Could we just not? - Yeah.

101. I got plenty of other options.

102. My big problem's gonna be narrowing it down.

103. I don't wanna offend anybody.

104. I make a lot of people think that they're my best friend.

105. It's a gift.

106. I have to go.

107. Okay.

108. - Yeah, sorry. - No worries.

109. Wait, you and me, we are best friends though, right?

110. There's no one in my life who matters more to me.

111. See, you bought that.

112. Fuck you.

113. What's up?

114. I don't wanna just be investors with Sean. I wanna be partners.

115. No shit. So why don't you tell him?

116. What, are you afraid you're gonna be like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side?

117. Everywhere you go, people gonna look at you and go,

118. "Look at that Blind Side-ass lady. Look at her, look at her."

119. I just don't think that people like me enough

120. to do stuff like this with me.

121. Oh, my God.

122. Liz, I would not be hanging out with you for charity, all right?

123. You're cool. Deal with it.

124. Thank you.

125. Wow. Oh, my God.

126. Sorry. I just— I love when people say, "Thank you."

127. Why are you out of breath? Are you running?

128. I gotta go.

129. Holy shit.

130. - Yay! Okay, I worked hard at that. - Yeah.

131. - That Liz's a real piece of work, huh? - Absolutely.

132. She needs a lot of reassurance a lot of times.

133. Yeah. Okay, my turn now?

134. No. My text said,

135. "Do you want to come over here and service me?"

136. Fine, but I'm not moving.

137. - Okay. - Okay.

138. So, you guys wanted to talk some more?

139. I'm gonna be really quick because I don't like being vulnerable.

140. - I know I'm a strong cup of coffee— - I love my coffee strong.

141. I'll tell you when it's time to chime in.

142. Misread it. Thought you were fishing.

143. Look, I don't have a lot of friends,

144. but the people that I really connect with, I would kill or die for them.

145. And, I'd really like to be involved in your company.

146. Not just financially, but everything.

147. I would really enjoy that.

148. I'm sorry, what was that?

149. I would really enjoy that.

150. Wait, can you say that again?

151. I know that you might not want to do it

152. because I can be overbearing.

153. I know this. And judgy—

154. Or pretty, or vivacious.

155. I told you I would tell you when it was time to chime in.

156. Why am I here if you're not gonna use me?

157. I'm gonna stop you right there.

158. I still gotta take a look at those trucks. You wanna come with me?

159. Really?

160. Yeah.

161. Thanks.

162. Before we go, can I use your restroom?

163. Yep, the special one is that way.

164. My man.

165. You okay?

166. Are you sad because he was so kind to you?

167. Come here.

168. - Okay, I'm good. - Okay.

169. - Move over a little? - Sure.

170. Squinching me.

171. Hope he's enjoying the ass heater.

172. Could I have everyone's attention, please?

173. Thank you so much for coming to what is essentially my bachelor party.

174. - You already had a bachelor party. - No, I didn't.

175. Not everyone here was invited to that,

176. so shut it.

177. Me and Brian and a bunch of his friends went to a male strip club.

178. - But it was just for regular. - No.

179. So, I need a best man. Or a best person.

180. Hey now.

181. Part of tonight's fun is gonna be a little cornhole tournament.

182. Winner gets the gig.

183. - Yeah! - Good luck, players.

184. Oh, my God. Even if I win, I'm gonna give it to D-Train

185. 'cause he's super excited and that seems funny to me.

186. Hey!

187. It's not transferable. It's not—

188. Come on!

189. Kip. You mind if we talk to you for a second?

190. What are you asking for? Just do it.

191. I'm so sorry to waste time with a preamble.

192. I had a very tough year.

193. Your son really came through for me.

194. Same.

195. Barely knew me, and he kept me out of jail after I beat somebody almost to death.

196. In a good way. The guy deserved it.

197. Good to know.

198. My point is, he has always got our backs.

199. It's time for you to have his back. Just be his best man.

200. Cornhole!

201. Brian started that.

202. Course he did.

203. Yeah!

204. I just think I'd be uncomfortable.

205. I promise you you will regret it if you don't do this.

206. Take it from somebody who dropped the ball as a dad a shit ton.

207. - Yeah! Fuck yeah! - Yes! Won my first game.

208. Say hello to your new best man.

209. No, Liz's husband. No!

210. - Yeah. Yes! - Yeah!

211. - No, if you win, at best, you're an usher. - What?

212. You, get him drunk. And you, step it the fuck up.

213. - Don't listen to him. You know why? - Yeah?

214. 'Cause D-man's gonna be a B-man.

215. D-man's gonna be a B-man D-man's gonna be a B-man

216. D-man's gonna be a B-man D-man's gonna be a B-man

217. Great, now that's gonna be stuck in my head.

218. Mom, what are we doing?

219. Why did you wake me up?

220. There's no good snacks. Dad is on his health kick.

221. I know where Dad keeps the good stuff.

222. Cha-cha!

223. That sneaky little bitch.

224. - I know. - I'm getting spoons.

225. What are you doing?

226. Nice try, fucker.

227. Oh, my God. We're gonna eat this entire bucket.

228. And then we have to fill the bucket with, like kale.

229. Hey.

230. Morning.

231. I can't remember Mom's laugh.

232. I feel myself, like...

233. losing little parts of her.

234. I get that.

235. I feel like I should have spent more time with her.

236. I was always too busy.

237. Too busy doing what? Hanging out with Summer?

238. You were acting like a normal kid.

239. You loved your mom so much.

240. And she knew that.

241. Do you wanna talk?

242. I'm apparently very, very good at it. People pay me money.

243. Well, I'll be here whenever you do. Okay?

244. Thanks.

245. Lights.

246. Okay.

247. No, I haven't heard anything from her.

248. If she gets in touch, I'll let you know.

249. It's just frustrating, you know.

250. I have all this training and experience, and I feel so helpless.

251. You should put that on your business card.

252. Yeah.

253. I just don't wanna mess things up with her again, you know?

254. You've got this.

255. Thanks.

256. Glad things went so well with Meg.

257. What? Did that not go well?

258. No. I just know how you're gonna react to what I am about to say.

259. It wa—

260. It was a great visit.

261. And it wouldn't have happened without you. So thank you, man.

262. Of course, Paul.

263. Oh, my God. Is this happening?

264. Just fucking do it. Please.

265. Okay.

266. Woof.

267. I woof you too.

268. Babe, I'm gonna go grab coffee with Gab.

269. - She at Jimmy's? - No, why?

270. I don't— I didn't know if she ever stays there.

271. They've been fucking, so...

272. What?

273. Did I forget to tell you that?

274. I will murder you.

275. How do you know this?

276. I saw them doing the deed on the night of the engagement party.

277. That was a month ago!

278. Yeah. Who wishes they peed off the balcony now?

279. No one!

280. And it was pretty sexy.

281. Not the Jimmy parts,

282. but he did way better than I thought he would. I'm proud of him.

283. You saw them and you stayed out there to watch?

284. Oh, come on.

285. What was I supposed to do? Not watch?

286. - Fair. - Yeah.

287. Did you film it?

288. I'm not a pervert.

289. I didn't have to.

290. I can't believe she didn't tell me. That sucks.

291. If you see Jimmy, tell him congrats.

292. Oh, my God.

293. And he's got a nice ass.

294. Could do with some squats though.

295. - Okay. - Oh, my God.

296. As you know, I give these special agates to a select few people.

297. People that have come through for me so much that I welcome them

298. into the Covenant of the Rock.

299. Okay, that's sounding very "cult-y," and I'm fucking in.

300. What do I need to do? Wear a long tunic?

301. Do I need to kill a goat? 'Cause I'll do that shit for that.

302. You don't have to do anything. Just know I appreciate you.

303. Not yet.

304. Don't play with me.

305. How could you not tell me you fucked Jimmy?

306. Fine, all right! Goddamn.

307. I fucked Jimmy, all right? I fucked him. I fucked him. I fucked him.

308. Give me more details.

309. It's really good. It's like "Mariah Carey hitting the high note" good.

310. No.

311. Yeah, like...

312. The best part about it is, he didn't even slap my boobs.

313. Who smacks boobs?

314. A lot of guys out there,

315. for some reason, these days, are hitting titties, left and right.

316. I swear, they're, like, smacking 'em and hitting 'em.

317. I don't know if it was in some 4Chan forum.

318. I don't know where these fucking guys are reading it from,

319. but these guys are out here smacking titties.

320. I don't think that's true.

321. You know, he's not really into butt play, but I'll get in there.

322. I put so much stuff in Derek's butt.

323. You're lying.

324. I know, but I could if I wanted to.

325. And the best part about it is, is that it's total safe dick.

326. - Safe dick is the best dick. - I know.

327. All right. You've earned it.

328. Wow. Okay. So what do we do?

329. Do we do a ceremony? Do we need to chant?

330. Nope. Just love you.

331. Love you.

332. Well, now that we are officially sisters

333. - of the Covenant of the Rock... - Yeah?

334. do you mind reading this letter of recommendation for me?

335. Yeah, of course. What's it for?

336. It's actually for this job that I really want.

337. And Paul told me that if I write it, then he will sign it for me.

338. I just wanna make sure it sounds like a cranky old white dude wrote it.

339. Wait. Paul knows the guy you're interviewing with

340. and he couldn't write a letter himself?

341. It's bullshit. I know.

342. He's never getting a rock.

343. So I'm still booping him. "Boop."

344. Because most of the time it stops his bullshit.

345. Only downside is now I can see

346. what an emotionally abusive fuckface he's been.

347. You know, when Donny used to criticize me, I would always think it was my fault.

348. But now, if he's like, "Your eggs are too runny,"

349. I think he's lucky we're not eating breakfast on a cliff

350. 'cause I'd push him off and watch his skull crack open,

351. and I would be like, "Your brains are too runny, bitch."

352. Yes, Grace! That's what I'm talking about.

353. Off the cliff. Bash them brains. Eat them up.

354. Seriously, look at how much stronger you are now.

355. I'm just— I'm so proud of you.

356. I know I'm not great at real feelings,

357. but I like the person I'm starting to be.

358. And I wanted to thank you for it.

359. It's my pleasure.

360. Bye.

361. She doesn't look crazy. How is she crazy?

362. Oh, yay. Liz is here.

363. All right, listen. I need your help tearing Paul a new one.

364. Why?

365. Because he's messing with Gaby's shit. That's why. Put your game face on.

366. It's not that simple, Liz.

367. Paul and I just hugged.

368. Are you fucking serious right now? Let's go, Safe Dick.

369. Safe— How do you know about that?

370. We need to talk.

371. First you raw dog me in public

372. and now you burst into my office and raw dog me here?

373. Stop saying "raw dog."

374. I can say anything I want.

375. Tell him what raw dog means.

376. Sex without a condom.

377. Then I'll stop saying that.

378. Gaby asked you for a recommendation,

379. and you couldn't be bothered to write it yourself?

380. I've got bad news, dude.

381. - I gave her a rock. - A rock?

382. And in your mind, that makes sense?

383. You're being a lazy, ungrateful prick,

384. and Jimmy thinks so too.

385. Do you think I'm being a lazy, ungrateful prick?

386. - Pussy! - Fair.

387. He's just being quiet because you hugged.

388. You told her about our hug?

389. Look,

390. you and I got to work together for, like, five years before Gaby even got here.

391. And I appreciate all the guidance you give me.

392. But you don't give Gaby that kind of time.

393. And even still, she's always looking out for you.

394. She gave you that water bottle—

395. To keep you fucking hydrated!

396. She drives you to work—

397. To-and-fro every goddamn day!

398. Listen, Paul. You know what I'm gonna say. You're being—

399. An arrogant, sexist piece of shit.

400. How about you stop finishing my sentences?

401. I'm not wrong though.

402. This guy has a case of the sniffles,

403. and you're right there with Kleenex and a six-pack.

404. And what about Gaby?

405. She's—

406. Fix it.

407. Pussy!

408. What kind of a person hugs and tells?

409. I know.

410. - Hi. - Hey.

411. What's this?

412. This is your mom's stuff. Yeah.

413. Just 'cause I'm ready to put this stuff away,

414. that does not mean that you have to be. Come.

415. Yeah.

416. She loved this dress.

417. Yeah, she did.

418. "Once you go Asian, you won't go Caucasian."

419. Your mom used to wear that when we took hikes to make me uncomfortable.

420. I am wearing this to school on Monday.

421. I look forward to the call from your principal.

422. - Hey. - Hey.

423. Last one.

424. Oh, my God! Her hot-as-shit shoes!

425. Oh, yeah.

426. Remember that time when...

427. I don't know why I'm telling you. You know.

428. You can tell this guy.

429. Yeah. Hit me.

430. Mom called these her "hot-as-shit shoes"

431. because she said no matter how crappy her day was going,

432. once she put these on, she felt hot as shit.

433. Okay.

434. One time, she was having, like, the worst day,

435. and I walked into her room,

436. and she was lying in bed, wearing her hot-as-shit shoes.

437. Dude, oh, my God. I had a soccer game, and Mom showed up wearing these.

438. And her calves were obviously, like...

439. You know, just, like, fully flexed.

440. She was just looking at her feet.

441. And all of the moms in the bleachers were looking at her like she was crazy.

442. Okay. Okay.

443. You got this. You got this.

444. Big coochie energy. Big coochie energy.

445. Big, fat coochie energy.

446. With your full-time practice,

447. is teaching more than one seminar next semester even possible?

448. I'm great at time management. Like, I kick ass at it.

449. And even if I'm tied up,

450. I can always ask the TA to play old episodes of Frasier.

451. Uh-huh.

452. That's the great sense of humor Paul mentioned in the recommendation letter.

453. He did say that.

454. Stop being smug, Gerald.

455. Paul, what the fuck are you doing here?

456. Also, how'd you know he's being smug?

457. Because he's Gerald. Even me barging in here won't mean shit.

458. All the good jobs around here go to whoever can crawl up his ass the farthest.

459. By the way,

460. is Lenny Klein still up there?

461. Say hi for me.

462. I will. He's coming with my lunch in 15 minutes.

463. Hire her.

464. She's a brilliant therapist.

465. Paul, I've already told her she's got the job.

466. Well then, read your emails, 'cause I'm gonna finish this.

467. Okay.

468. She's the most empathetic clinician I've ever crossed paths with,

469. which is why her patients love her so much.

470. And,

471. I do not tell her often enough

472. how much I value her as a colleague.

473. Because apparently, I'm not good with the women I care about.

474. No, not at all.

475. But I'm working on it.

476. And I plan to have it down by the time I'm 140.

477. And I will live till then, because I drink a lot of water.

478. Are you about done?

479. Give me your car keys.

480. You're my ride home.

481. I'll wait in the car.

482. What a strange man.

483. Yeah. And he's super mean too.

484. Hey, we're almost late. You ready?

485. Yeah. Just tying my tie.

486. - You nervous about your wedding speech? - Nope.

487. Okay. I'll see you downstairs.

488. - Where the hell is Jimmy? - Hey, don't worry. He'll show.

489. And if he doesn't, as best man, I get to beat the shit out of him.

490. Thanks, Dad.

491. We'll give him two minutes, and then we'll kick his ass together.

492. That would be nice.

493. Okay. Everyone is sitting. I crushed it.

494. It's still surreal to me that you're in my wedding party,

495. but top-notch ushering, Derek.

496. Der— He knows my name!

497. Big day for both of us!

498. - Hey! - Hey.

499. - Okay. - I'm here.

500. - Great. - Yeah, okay.

501. Stop eye-fucking me. I was working on my speech.

502. - Okay. Let's do this. It's go time. - Okay.

503. Okay.

504. Okay.

505. Here we are.

506. Hey,

507. did anybody notice that this wedding venue is like a tight pair of trousers?

508. No ballroom.

509. Sorry. I think I'm probably a little bit nervous.

510. Brian knocked this out of the park for Tia and I.

511. Tia and me.

512. - Nobody cares. - Well...

513. Okay. Marriage...

514. Marriage is a tough thing for me to talk about.

515. I'm sure many of you know, a little over a year ago, my wife died.

516. It destroyed me.

517. Did not know if I was gonna find my way out.

518. To be totally honest, some days, I am still not sure.

519. But, man, was it worth it.

520. Every single second that I got to spend with my wife...

521. was the best moment of my life.

522. I would not be here today if it was not for Tia.

523. And none of us would be, because Tia is the one who introduced Brian and Charlie.

524. It's a little-known fact that, after their first date,

525. both of them independently texted Tia,

526. "I don't think so."

527. And yet, here we are.

528. Because Tia knew that these two were perfect for each other.

529. My wife believed that the best way to help yourself was to help others.

530. And boy, was she right.

531. Do me a favor, will you? Turn around. Turn— Look at your friends.

532. You've got so many friends.

533. You've got each other, but never forget that you have them too.

534. They're here today to celebrate you and to get drunk later.

535. And someone's gonna hook up. Who knows?

536. But they've also got your back.

537. And when life gets rough...

538. they are gonna be the ones who help you get to the other side.

539. - Right? - Yes.

540. - Right? - Yeah!

541. So with that,

542. what do you say we get this fucking wedding started, huh?

543. Christ, I thought it was over.

544. - That was loud. - Sorry.

545. I now pronounce you husbands. You may kiss your grooms.

546. I can hear your vagina humming.

547. He's not safe dick.

548. Hey, I liked what you said up there about helping others to help ourselves.

549. I think that's probably why we do what we do, right?

550. Still, I mean...

551. All that crazy shit you did with patients.

552. I'm surprised you didn't burn the whole practice down.

553. Let's be honest.

554. I got really lucky.

555. So did I.

556. I'm gonna sit.

557. First time.

558. You look so much like your mom.

559. I'm tired. I wanna head back.

560. Seriously? Are you that out of shape?

561. You can keep going. I'm just done.

562. And, you know, you don't get to just talk to me that way.

563. I'll talk to you however I want.

564. I'm sick of you acting like you're better than me.

565. That shit is over.

566. You're an idiot, Grace, so shut the fuck up, or I'll shut you up.

567. Beautiful view, though.

568. Boop.