She-Hulk: Attorney at Law 1x1

1. What is the responsibility of those with power?

2. Do they merely have an obligation to refrain from the misuse of that power?

3. Or do they have a duty to protect those without it?

4. Two rhetorical questions.

5. The defendant used their limitless resources,

6. political and monetary, for financial gain at the expense of public safety,

7. - causing the deaths of innocent people. - It's so wordy.

8. They did this because they believed they would not be held accountable.

9. That their power shielded them from very real consequences.

10. But today, you, the jury, can prove that's not the case.

11. More smiles.

12. Show them that they will be held accountable,

13. because those with the most power

14. have the most to answer for.

15. And you win the case.

16. And you are not helpful here at all.

17. This is gonna land better coming from me.

18. Plenty of time to switch things up and let me do the closing.

19. Dennis, you don't know but I will kill you

20. and Jen won't prosecute. So I will get away with it.

21. It's a conflict of interest. I don't condone murder. Bye, Dennis.

22. You're gonna listen to a paralegal over a lawyer?

23. Yeah.

24. - This is unprofessional. - That was so good.

25. - It was so good. - Seriously?

26. How you used the weight of civic duty during your closing argument?

27. I almost cried during parts of it.

28. Now top it off with a savage Jen Walters look.

29. What? I don't have a savage Jen Walters look.

30. There it is.

31. - That was perfect. - Okay. Really?

32. - Do you think so? - Yes. Come on.

33. It's amazing. It's so great.

34. Jen, there is a reason why you were handpicked to go against GLK and H, okay?

35. The leveling up is happening. This is good.

36. My little genius is gonna be a district attorney one day.

37. Ah, maybe one day, but right now I just need to

38. - stick the landing on this case. - You will.

39. And if it doesn't go our way, you can just Hulk out?

40. Blow everyone's minds?

41. Well, the only Hulking out I'm gonna do is in the legal sense.

42. Oh, no, Jen.

43. - No? - No, that's not funny, Jen.

44. - I only tell it to you. - Yeah.

45. - One sec.

46. Yeah, about that. Um, it's true. I am a Hulk.

47. Uh, and I'm guessing you won't be able to

48. focus on this fun lawyer show until you know all about that.

49. So, let me get you up to speed.

50. A few months ago, I went on a road trip with my cousin Bruce.

51. Yeah, and it worked. I mean, my arm started to heal.

52. - No one thought it was... - Yes, that Bruce.

53. It's all because I made this little device which keeps me in human form.

54. That was the longest answer to "what've you been up to" I've ever heard.

55. - Well, you asked me, so I answered.

56. What's up with this?

57. - Cheetos and chopsticks? - Yes.

58. So you don't get Cheetos fingers.

59. - My God. That's really smart. - You're not the only genius in the family.

60. No, there's also Ched.

61. Okay. So, back to what I was saying before, my theory.

62. - Oh, God. - Um,

63. Steve Rogers did not have a girlfriend before he went into the service.

64. - Says who? - The History Channel.

65. So, he becomes Captain America.

66. And from that moment on, a symbol of America,

67. he is rushed to the frontlines, he becomes a war hero.

68. - Then he is frozen in ice. - Right.

69. So, based on everything you've told me,

70. after he gets unfrozen, he goes from world-threatening disaster

71. to world-threatening disaster.

72. That's when he's not a fugitive from the law, right?

73. So it seems like he was pretty, pretty busy.

74. All you're doing is repeating everything

75. that I've told you about my friend and colleague.

76. - Obviously, Captain America was a virgin. - Look out!

77. Bruce.

78. - Bruce.

79. Okay.

80. Okay.

81. No, Jen. Jen, I'm bleeding.

82. The inhibitor.

83. Jen, get away from me. I'm bleeding.

84. - Get away.

85. - Ooh!

86. Girl, what happened to you?

87. Who did this to you?

88. Are you okay?

89. No judgments. Whoever did this to you does not care about you.

90. You do not need him. Or her. Or them.

91. You need shoes. This is a public bathroom.

92. Right. I got some here. Take these. Right there.

93. Put this on.

94. Oh, thank you. But I just need to get cleaned up.

95. No need to put makeup on me.

96. - Yes, you do. - Do you have anywhere to go?

97. I have to call my cousin to get me. Can I borrow somebody's phone?

98. Here. Sure. Here you go.

99. - All right, we're out. - Ladies' night was a bust.

100. - Take care, guys. - Where we goin', fellas?

101. - I don't know. He has the keys. - Hey.

102. What's up?

103. - How you doin'? - Fine. Thank you.

104. You with anyone?

105. - I'm waiting for my ride. - What's your name?

106. - I think my boyfriend's coming. - Oh, come on. Where you going?

107. Let us keep you company.

108. Hey, we're just being friendly.

109. - Yeah. Where you going? - So what? You too good to talk to us?

110. Hello?

111. Hello?

112. Hello?

113. Hello?

114. Good morning.

115. Sorry. I thought I'd get a little work done.

116. You're Hulk again.

117. Smart Hulk.

118. - Wow.

119. Yeah. I didn't come up with it.

120. You never have a choice with these names.

121. - Where are we?

122. Mexico.

123. Don't worry. I talked to your parents. They know we're okay.

124. This is where I spent The Blip fixing myself

125. and integrating the Hulk-Banner identities.

126. In this tiny beach house lab.

127. Yeah. Tony built it for me a few years ago.

128. - Tony Stark. - Oh, right, right, right.

129. He used to joke that it was a loaner,

130. and that one day he'd just swing by and take it back.

131. You okay?

132. Wait.

133. - Did we hit a spaceship? - Yeah.

134. Sakaaran Class-Eight courier craft.

135. Probably trying to deliver a message.

136. I gotta get to the bottom of that.

137. You know, weird stuff just kinda finds you when you're a Hulk.

138. But first, we gotta deal with you.

139. Me? What happened to me?

140. I changed.

141. Look.

142. I'm sorry.

143. I tried to warn you.

144. My blood got into your system,

145. and after the wreck, you got a lethal dose of gamma radiation.

146. Lethal?

147. As in I'm gonna die?

148. No, there is more to it that I'm going to explain.

149. That is not the sentence

150. - to take a pause on, Bruce! - Okay.

151. Look. Look.

152. You and I, we share a rare combination of genetic factors

153. that allow us to synthesize gamma radiation

154. into somethin' else.

155. So I turn into a Hulk now, too.

156. I've been analyzing your blood.

157. And the way it synthesized gamma,

158. I was able to use it to completely heal my arm.

159. Oh.

160. Because I'm better than you?

161. Mmm. It's basically different.

162. In a better way.

163. In conclusion, my arm is healed

164. and now I'm able to be my fully integrated self again.

165. Smug Hulk.

166. Smart Hulk.

167. Well, it's pretty smug to call yourself smart.

168. I didn't come up with it.

169. You use it. Implied endorsement.

170. Don't lawyer me.

171. So, now that I've actually analyzed your blood samples...

172. It's a bit dramatic.

173. It's way too dangerous to get out in the world,

174. even if there's only a millionth percent chance that it makes another one of us.

175. Okay. You've analyzed everything.

176. Now fix me. Get me back to normal.

177. Jen, this is not goin' away.

178. What do you mean?

179. Give me that little device thing that you had that kept you as Bruce.

180. That device was a prototype.

181. - It was calibrated to me... - Great. Make me one.

182. For me. Calibrate it to me.

183. - I can't do it, Jen. - Yes, you can.

184. Jen, I have been struggling with this for years.

185. The best that I could do was merge my two halves.

186. Give it time in the lab, we could possibly do the same for you.

187. No. No. I don't want to be a Hulk.

188. God. I just got my own office.

189. - This is it. - I have business cards.

190. There is no goin' back to what you were before.

191. Oh, what?

192. Jen, what is it? What do you need?

193. I need...

194. You feeling better?

195. Listen...

196. I know this is hard to hear,

197. but you're gonna have to change the way you live your life now.

198. Avoid stressful situations, stay away from people and...

199. I can't stay away from people. How am I supposed to work?

200. You can't go back to your job.

201. You stay here until you figure out how to control your Hulk self.

202. Well, how long is that gonna take?

203. This is a multi-year journey you're about to embark on,

204. on coming to terms with being the Hulk.

205. I traced all of my steps through my evolution.

206. I never thought that it would end up being a syllabus, but here we are.

207. Now, with my help, hopefully,

208. your progress will go a little bit faster than mine.

209. You said "multi-year"?

210. About 15 years, give or take.

211. Fifteen years?

212. Our top priority is to control when you turn.

213. I thought the point was to prevent me from turning into a Hulk.

214. These transformations are triggered by distressed emotional states

215. so we need to know the exact threshold that causes it for you.

216. Ooh! Put on a Pixar movie.

217. When Bing Bong jumps out of the wagon in Inside Out.

218. Bing Bong. No. No.

219. Stop.

220. I need to focus.

221. The triggers are anger and fear.

222. Those are, like, the baseline of any woman just existing.

223. All right. Let's try this.

224. Bruce.

225. It kinda feels like if I don't transform, I'm gonna die.

226. Do you have a plan B for that?

227. - No. - No?

228. Ha-ha. Not funny, Bruce.

229. What, you're just gonna kill me?

230. - Put the helmet on! We need the data! - This isn't gonna work!

231. What do you normally use this chamber for, you psychopath?

232. Yes! Yes. Yes.

233. No. No.

234. - No, no, no.

235. No.

236. No. No. No.

237. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

238. Easy, girl. Easy.

239. Easy.

240. Why are you talking to me like I'm a stray horse?

241. Jen?

242. Yeah?

243. Wait. You're still Jen right now?

244. Yeah.

245. And I'm conscious.

246. This is incredible. You don't have an alter ego.

247. You're the only one in there?

248. As far as I can tell.

249. This is huge, Jen.

250. I think I'm jealous.

251. Is that what I'm feeling? I'm feeling...

252. You don't have another guy to wrestle with for 10 years.

253. Cool.

254. Bruh.

255. You know, that's about a million dollars' worth of damage back there, by the way.

256. You really don't feel like there's another hand on the wheel at all?

257. No.

258. It's just me.

259. The first time, it was so intense I could barely remember what was happening,

260. but now it's like it settled in.

261. Hmm. Well,

262. I guess we can just skip all that, then.

263. Yeah, kinda seems like I'm done here.

264. Not so fast.

265. You still can't control when you transform.

266. Okay, so how do I turn back into Jen?

267. How did you do it?

268. Usually, I fall out of a jet or I get knocked out by a robot,

269. and I'd wake up as Banner.

270. Or Natasha, for a little while, would tell me a lullaby.

271. Walk me through how that worked, again.

272. I don't have a great explanation for it.

273. Okay, it seems like the common thread, though, is being unconscious.

274. Not necessarily.

275. One time, I was stuck as the other guy for over two years.

276. That was in outer space.

277. - No, I can't stay like this for two years. - I said "one time."

278. Whoa.

279. You have so much more to learn about being a Hulk.

280. I don't think you have thought through how dangerous this level of power is.

281. Do you know the damage you can cause?

282. I mean, one mistake, one freak-out is literally life or death.

283. Okay, I'll be careful.

284. You can't be emotional.

285. Forget Hulk rage.

286. Just regular anger means death and destruction for everything

287. and everyone around you.

288. And I'm telling you, when people start seeing you as a monster,

289. that never goes away.

290. Fine.

291. Teach me how to Hulk, please.

292. Dialectical behavioral therapy.

293. It allows us to hold two opposing truths at the same time.

294. First, we're gonna practice some mindfulness with a few yoga techniques.

295. I never thought you'd be into all this mind-body-spirit stuff.

296. Dialectical behavioral therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapy.

297. It's clinical, not spiritual.

298. Let your thoughts drift away, relax your neck,

299. bend your knees if that's comfortable,

300. hold in your farts.

301. Namaste, all day.

302. It's more about presence.

303. About accepting the situation you're in.

304. Oh, I thought it was about getting my butt tight as hell.

305. Up top.

306. Gross, Jen. I'm your cousin.

307. Close your eyes and breathe.

308. Wow.

309. I can see that you're not ready for DBT,

310. so why don't you get some rest, and we'll change tactics in the morning?

311. Wow.

312. Jesus. What the hell, man?

313. Still in control? No overwhelming feelings of rage?

314. No, a normal amount of rage!

315. You do revert back to Jen form when you sleep.

316. Was the airhorn really necessary?

317. For comedy, absolutely.

318. So, you're gonna need to reinforce all your furniture.

319. Don't even think about moving to a place with less than ten-foot ceilings.

320. Trust me.

321. You're gonna need two wardrobes, one for Jen and one for your Hulk body.

322. Who's your best friend?

323. - Nikki.

324. Spandex.

325. Spandex is your best friend.

326. Boulder toss. Just gonna toss a boulder. It's not a big deal.

327. - Me? - Yeah, just grab a little boulder,

328. - and take it easy on this first one.

329. Yes!

330. Yeah, yeah.

331. Hi-yah!

332. - Very good. - Just trying to show ya how it's done.

333. - Well, I'm shown. - Yeah?

334. Men! Men!

335. Being a Hulk asks for balance.

336. - Ground pound!

337. It's easy.

338. Little punk.

339. Dick move.

340. Completely.

341. So, I'm clearly nailing it at all of these things,

342. when am I ever going to use this as a lawyer?

343. Jen, when you have powers like this, it's like putting a target on your back

344. - and all the people you care about.

345. Cool. Yet another way my life is ruined.

346. - Thanks, Bruce. - All right.

347. All I've been doin' is showin' you the downsides of being a Hulk,

348. but there are a few upsides.

349. Our bodies metabolize alcohol at an incredibly fast rate.

350. Which means that we can drink so much and not get drunk.

351. All buzz, no barf.

352. That's good.

353. - You built this bar by hand? - Oh, yeah.

354. - That's impressive. - Yeah, me and Tony.

355. Well, Tony mostly drank, just sat around, like, complaining about Steve.

356. Oh, Steve.

357. It was a good time during a hard time.

358. To a good time during a hard time.

359. - Drink to that.

360. Bruce, you failed to mention that

361. I'd have to deal with a Hulk-sized hangover.

362. Ah, I'll have to put it in the binder.

363. - Ow!

364. I'll see you out there.

365. Hear the waves breaking.

366. Feel the breaths. No judgment.

367. So, when do you think I can leave here?

368. Let's just focus on each day as they come, Jen.

369. - I mean,

370. I legitimately do have a life to get back to.

371. I know I've been pushing you through a lot,

372. but being a superhero is a trial by fire.

373. Bruce, I'm not gonna be a superhero.

374. What else ya gonna do as a Hulk?

375. Return to my career that I have spent years building,

376. use my law degree that I'm still paying off a fortune in student loans for.

377. It's not one or the other, Jen.

378. I am trying to show you that we can live between what we want and what is.

379. But we can't pretend like we aren't two of the few people on Earth

380. that can actually protect her.

381. Which is why we have to make sure of your ability to tolerate the stress

382. and regulate your emotions, especially your anger.

383. Here's the thing, Bruce. I'm great at controlling my anger.

384. - Hmm. - I do it all the time.

385. When I'm catcalled in the street,

386. when incompetent men explain my own area of expertise to me.

387. I do it pretty much every day because if I don't,

388. I will get called emotional, or difficult, or might just literally get murdered.

389. So I'm an expert at controlling my anger because I do it infinitely more than you.

390. So all of this just feels like projecting a lot of shit onto me.

391. See?

392. No. I'm doing this.

393. Okay, this is completely new territory.

394. I guess I've outgrown your binder, cuz.

395. Love you, Bruce, but I'm going home.

396. All right.

397. Jen, why are you runnin' away?

398. - Jen. - I'm gonna borrow the Jeep,

399. take it back to LA, and you can pick it up at my place.

400. Jen, stop.

401. Just stop and think it through for a minute.

402. This is all I've been thinking about, Bruce.

403. I did your dialectical behavior therapy, I can change back and forth,

404. and I'm happy to now get back to my life.

405. I know you didn't ask for this,

406. but whether you like it or not, you're now a superhero.

407. And who's gonna protect the world if it isn't people like us?

408. Are you quoting a comic right now?

409. I'm sorry. The idea of being a superhero is not appealing to me.

410. I'm not you.

411. And I'm not gonna become you.

412. I don't need to join some secret government contractor squad

413. and have my entire life taken away from me.

414. - My life wasn't taken away. - Really?

415. Oh, so you didn't wind up alone, hiding away on some remote beach

416. with no friends, no relationships, never seeing your family,

417. and definitely not dealing with a decade's worth of trauma?

418. Why would you want that for me, Bruce?

419. You're a cautionary tale.

420. That's the price you have to pay for keeping the world safe.

421. It's not wrong that I am choosing to help people

422. in the way that I've always wanted to.

423. I spent a lifetime running from this aspect of myself.

424. Denying half of your being is no way to live, trust me.

425. - Goodbye. - Okay.

426. - What do you think you're doing? - I'm asking you to reconsider.

427. Done. Yes, I've reconsidered. I'm still leaving.

428. - Jen, don't you dare.

429. I'm serious.

430. You're not the only one!

431. What, you think you can just say mean things and take off?

432. - Yes!

433. Jen!

434. Bruce?

435. Dick move.

436. I learned it from you.

437. See, Jen, you're doing the best you can, and you can do better.

438. Enough dialectical behavioral bullshit!

439. For the record, I really didn't wanna do this.

440. Okay, I wanted to do it a little.

441. Why wouldn't you listen to someone who's been through all of this before?

442. Because we're different people!

443. - Lunkhead! - Dummy!

444. That's all you got?

445. - Ah!

446. Uh-oh.

447. My bar!

448. - Sorry.

449. You're fixing it.

450. So, if you wanna go back to your life as a lawyer, I respect that.

451. Thanks.

452. He doesn't mean that.

453. - Mmm. - Mmm-hmm.

454. Hmm? Mmm.

455. - Oh.

456. Just so you know, I'm the only other person in the world

457. that knows what you're going through.

458. I know.

459. - So, call me anytime. - Thank you, Bruce. Thanks for everything.

460. Aw!

461. And I'm sorry that I said a bunch of harsh but very true things.

462. Wow, an apology that still doubles down on a thing you're apologizing for.

463. That's very lawyerly.

464. Yeah, I'm a much better lawyer than I am a Hulk.

465. Mmm. Now who's smug?

466. Look.

467. You change your mind,

468. door never closes.

469. Thanks.

470. See you at the next family dinner.

471. - See ya, fuzzball.

472. So that's how it all happened.

473. And no crazy Hulk stuff since.

474. So, now my family knows, and Nikki knows, and you know.

475. Basically, I was right, and Bruce was wrong,

476. and I never have to be a Hulk.

477. Okay. So, now I'm gonna go win this case.

478. Lawyer show.

479. I ask you to look only at the facts of this case.

480. You'll see that my client was well within his right

481. to protect his business interest.

482. These accidental deaths were an unfortunate byproduct

483. of an ambitious expansion plan.

484. Did my client know lives would be endangered?

485. That is debatable and depends on your definition of knowing.

486. - Don't screw this up, Walters.

487. Ms Walters, your closing argument?

488. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

489. Oh, my God!

490. Seal the door!

491. Don't move.

492. You need to do your thing.

493. - Stop resisting. - Right now in front of everybody?

494. - Yes, yes.

495. Come on.

496. Civic duty.

497. Jen. Come on.

498. Oh, God, I really like this outfit.

499. Help! Help!

500. Jen. Shoes.

501. - Right. Thank you. - Okay.

502. Who the hell are you?

503. Jennifer Walters, attorney at law.

504. I'm ready to give my closing argument now.

505. It's just so sad.

506. Steve Rogers did so much for his country and he never got to experience sex.

507. Did you see that ass?

508. Like, that ass did not deserve to die a virgin.

509. It's, like, so sad.

510. Steve Rogers is not a virgin.

511. He lost his virginity to a girl in 1943 on the USO tour.

512. Yes. I knew it.

513. You're not drunk?

514. Captain America...