Shameless 8x8

1. It's you again?

2. Oh, I'm sick of this, all right?

3. I'm not telling you

4. what you missed last week.

5. Seriously, I'm not doing it. Fuck off.

6. I'm being deported next month.

7. I tried to flee up to Canada,

8. but they stopped me at the border.

9. 200 plus gas and tolls.

10. I'll get you and your family across.

11. Hey, Frank, can you do me a favor

12. and bring me back some Canadian insulin?

13. It's 50% cheaper up there.

14. "Need the car to make money. Thanks, Carl."

15. Youens got convicted. Guilty on all counts.

16. - Oh, shit. - This is officially stuck.

17. I know an Irish guy that does wood stuff.

18. You want me to see if he's around?

19. In 72 hours, you will be free of your addiction.

20. How much do you need? Can we do a little ransom sitch?

21. No, I get to stay.

22. Oh, fuck.

23. God damn it, V! No fabric softener

24. in the girls' jammies.

25. Quick, Kev, what else?

26. - What else, what? - Besides fabric softener,

27. have I been a bad, bad girl?

28. - Oh. - I called Margo.

29. She's got another building she's willing to lease.

30. No, fuck off, Fiona. The answer's no.

31. What the fuck is wrong with you?

32. I—I'm trying to move forward here

33. and you're acting like a fuckin' toddler.

34. I want things to be okay between us.

35. They are.

36. I'm fired, but it was 100% worth it

37. to see the look on that scumbag's face.

38. - Did we— - Like, four times.

39. No. Oh, come on.

40. Uh—shut up!

41. Debs, get the fuck out!

42. Come on, I gotta take a leak!

43. - What the fuck is going on? - Well, Debs

44. has been in there for, like, an hour.

45. Well, tell her to get out, Franny's crying.

46. Yeah, I have been. Debs, get the fuck out!

47. And who is ringing the bell? It's 7:00 a.m.!

48. Howdy. That's for me. Let's go, Liam.

49. Time to go to work.

50. Debs, I gotta take a leak.

51. - Gimme a minute. - She's still in there?

52. Yeah.

53. All right, that's it. I'm comin' in.

54. Jesus. I'll get Franny.

55. Debs.

56. Shit.

57. You pregnant again?

58. Fucking better not be.

59. Fuck.

60. Oh, Debs, this one says negative.

61. They all say negative.

62. How am I supposed to trust any of them.

63. I haven't gotten my period yet.

64. Maybe it's just stress, right?

65. Or maybe the slut candy didn't work.

66. - What? - The morning after pill.

67. I can't afford Franny right now, never mind another stupid baby.

68. Negative? Liar!

69. Hi, got your child to stop cryin'.

70. I got fired from my job, Fiona.

71. So don't be giving me shit if I'm late

72. on my share of the house money.

73. Well, it's your turn to buy groceries

74. - and make dinner tonight. - I know.

75. Now get out so I can shower.

76. Ahh! Hey!

77. - What happened? - That!

78. Shit.

79. - What's going on? - What are you doing?

80. Ah, Jesus. Now everyone's in here.

81. Guess I won't shower today.

82. Gonna get filthy anyway cleaning that shitty building

83. my sister found for homeless kids.

84. Oh, God, Ian. Can't we be past this?

85. - Uh-huh. - Can you get rid of him?

86. - Yes. - You know what?

87. I'll just shower at my apartment building.

88. I'm gonna go to the store to swipe

89. - some more pregnancy tests. - No, no, no.

90. I'm gonna take you to Planned Parenthood.

91. We're gonna get a real test. All right?

92. And you, you gotta sleep at the bike shop

93. - from now on, okay? - Fine.

94. Hey, I'm going to see one of those sponsors later.

95. - Good. It's about fuckin' time. - All right.

96. Hey.

97. Did you watch me pee, pervert?

98. That's whole lot of pee, babe.

99. - Hi. - Who are you?

100. This is my friend Kassidi. That's my sister, Fiona.

101. I'm his girlfriend. Check this out.

102. All Carl's.

103. - Wow. - Yeah, I know, right?

104. Yeah, we gotta bounce. Let's go.

105. Oh, right. See you later, sis!

106. Hey.

107. - You okay? - Yeah, why?

108. Carl!

109. Because of that.

110. Holy shit.

111. Team, if I could have your attention.

112. Uh, thank you for being here this morning.

113. I want you to know that just because

114. you look like terrorists,

115. doesn't mean you should be treated like 'em.

116. Until America can distinguish between good brown people

117. and bad brown people, it's my goal to get you all

118. safely across the border into Canada.

119. Shh, shh, shh. Discretion, right?

120. You can all thank me later when a big bull moose

121. is slurping an ice cold Molson

122. right out of your butthole!

123. Okay, not an alcohol and sex kind of a crowd.

124. I don't even wanna know what's going on here, Frank.

125. Entrepreneurship, Fiona.

126. You all right, Liam? All right, good. Bye.

127. Anyhow, uh, my son Liam will be taking a look

128. - at your notice to appear— - Carl, I said no Uber!

129. That's my car! You can't just take it

130. whenever you feel like it!

131. God damn it!

132. Everybody.

133. You don't know that, do you?

134. That would be a good song for you to learn.

135. Liam, come here.

136. I'm gonna go deal with my business in the front yard.

137. Get me one illegal from each banned Muslim country.

138. - Yes? - You got it, boss.

139. Peace out.

140. - Okay, here we go. - Hey, Frank.

141. - How are you? - Can I get three Advair discs?

142. You bet. Bobby Junior'll be breathing easy

143. - in no time, Grace. - And it's costing me

144. half of what it costs down here?

145. Mm-hmm.

146. - Yes, sir. - All right, give me

147. three months' supply of Januvia,

148. 100 tablets of Diovan, 10075 milligram pills

149. of Praluent and you might as well throw in two EpiPens.

150. Jesus, all that's for you, Lionel?

151. I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank.

152. Well, that's why God invented Canada.

153. Okay, everybody, get your orders in.

154. Now, I'm giving you all a low, low

155. special introductory price.

156. I can't be so generous with my fees next time.

157. - Uh, you ready, Mauricio? - Yeah.

158. Okay, you take a stool softener with all that Vicodin.

159. You don't wanna end up dead on the can like Elvis.

160. - Yeah. - All right, who's next?

161. Found another razor blade.

162. I'll add it to the collection.

163. - This place is a dump. - But we're gonna

164. - make it look great. - Don't listen

165. to Negative Nelly, okay?

166. He's still mad about the church.

167. Yeah, 'cause you got pity-fucked by my sister

168. - with this building. - Yeah, and she was really good.

169. I bet. She's great at getting what she wants

170. and screwing everyone else.

171. Hey, Trevor, when do you think we'll be able to crash here?

172. As soon as the city approves our occupancy certificate.

173. I made a list of everyone who may need a bed.

174. Tell me if I forgot anybody.

175. Ah.

176. You can take Jamie off here.

177. - Why? - He's living at home I think.

178. What? Since when?

179. The other day, he tried to kill himself

180. after his parents hauled him off

181. to some conversion church or some shit.

182. Shit.

183. More scrambled eggs, my king?

184. Yes.

185. But this time, feed 'em to me.

186. Whatever you say, your highness.

187. Damn it, V!

188. - Is that too much? - No, please, keep going.

189. Not with the fork. You know how I want you

190. to feed 'em to me.

191. I'm sorry, sire.

192. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

193. What's taking so long?

194. I can feel the fetus growing inside of me

195. as I sit here.

196. There's no way I'm letting anything get in the way

197. of finishing welding school and getting a good job.

198. Oh, so you'd get the abortion this time?

199. Whatever it takes.

200. I'm not gonna be that mom with three barefoot kids

201. hangin' off her Walmart cart.

202. If I have to get that thing scraped out

203. or go on the pill or get an IUD up in me

204. or get castrated right afterwards,

205. - I don't care. - I think you gotta

206. grow balls first, Debs.

207. Shit.

208. What?

209. Sierra's dude.

210. Debbie Gallagher?

211. About time.

212. Hey, good luck, Debs.

213. Don't be pregnant.

214. It's open.

215. My family is driving me insane.

216. - Good morning. - Every day, I wake up

217. to screamin' or cryin' or fuckin'

218. or someone doin' some crazy shit.

219. There's always strange people in my house.

220. I know what you mean.

221. I can't keep track of who's mad at me.

222. or who I'm mad at.

223. Can't even use my own car.

224. Are we supposed to feel bad for you?

225. - Yeah. - Just move out.

226. Can't afford to.

227. Have you ever lived on your own before?

228. Yes.

229. No. Not really.

230. So you're 28 and still living at home?

231. That's pathetic.

232. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

233. There's an empty unit you can move into

234. right downstairs.

235. - No, I need the money. - That's just an excuse

236. people use when they're afraid to have nice things

237. - for themselves. - Okay, that's enough.

238. We gotta go to the witch doctor.

239. - Yes. - The what?

240. Fertility guy.

241. - Oh. Okay. - Come by tomorrow.

242. We're having a few people over for happy hour.

243. Finish your coffee and let yourself out.

244. Bye.

245. All right. We're on our way, everybody.

246. Settle back, get comfortable.

247. How's the goat?

248. Let's play a little getting to know each other alphabet game.

249. We'll go around, we'll say our name,

250. where we're from and something that we like.

251. And I—I'll start off, okay?

252. Uh, my name is Frank. I'm from the US of A.

253. And I like apples.

254. Okay, now it's your turn.

255. You—you repeat what I said

256. and then say something about yourself.

257. My name is Frank, I am from the US of A

258. and I like apples.

259. That's what you say about me.

260. Say what about you?

261. My name, where I'm from and what I like.

262. Your name, where you are from, what you like.

263. No. God damn it. Hey, point to me.

264. Point to me. Now repeat:

265. You are Frank.

266. You're from the United States.

267. You like apples.

268. Okay, good. Now, tell us your name,

269. where you're from and something you like

270. using the next letter of the alphabet.

271. - My name is Sameer. - Yeah. But don't point to me.

272. Point to you. You. Point—

273. I am from Yemen

274. and I like enab.

275. Enab?

276. I don't know—okay, but it's gotta start with a B.

277. Uh, well, it does. Uh, you see, E-N-A-B.

278. It's gotta begin with a B. Enab begins with an E.

279. Not if you read right to left,

280. like in my country.

281. - Hm. - Mm-hmm.

282. Oh, fuck me.

283. This is gonna be a long 16 hours.

284. - Hannah Campbell? - Hey.

285. So?

286. Find out the test results tomorrow.

287. Test cost 20 bucks.

288. Low income rate, my ass.

289. How 'bout no income rate?

290. - I need to get a job. - Forgot my phone.

291. I'll be right back.

292. See, hold up.

293. Yo. All right,

294. this isn't what it looks like.

295. What, like you got some other girl pregnant?

296. It happened when Sierra and I weren't together.

297. Sierra know?

298. I haven't had a chance to tell her yet.

299. It looks like you've had nine months to tell her.

300. Things are good with me and Sierra right now.

301. I don't wanna blow it.

302. All right, well, you're gonna blow it

303. if you don't tell her.

304. I will.

305. All right, I should get back in there.

306. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

307. Come on, Deb.

308. Hey, Jamie.

309. Hey, you guys.

310. My mom let you in?

311. Uh, no. We waited till she left.

312. Got you some burgers.

313. Came by to see how you're feeling.

314. I've been better.

315. The drugs are pretty good, though.

316. You guys like my new wristbands?

317. Um, do you need anything?

318. No, I'm—I'm good.

319. Hey, Geneva said you went to some conversion church?

320. My parents found it.

321. Place over on Garfield.

322. This pastor turns homos back to normal.

323. He says I'm so much of a fag

324. that I need more sessions to be saved by God.

325. You don't need to be saved.

326. Yeah.

327. Right.

328. Yay! Well done, well done.

329. Okay, you're next, goat lady. Bring it home.

330. Okay. Eh, your name is Frank. You are from the U.S.

331. and you like apple.

332. You are Sameer and you are from Yemen

333. and you like enab.

334. Ali from Iraq likes banam.

335. And you are Adad from Syria

336. and you like, uh, samak.

337. And Rania from Libya likes jabbr.

338. - Yeah. - My name is Fatemeh

339. from Iran and I like juje.

340. Yes! We did it! We did it, everybody!

341. I have no idea what that crap you like is,

342. but everybody did really well.

343. It was a fun game, Mr. Frank who likes apples.

344. Oh, fuck!

345. Sorry, ehh, I left some tools.

346. - Okay. - I still had your keys.

347. I was gonna leave them on the counter when I was done

348. I shoulda called first.

349. No, that's fine.

350. I'm dressed. Kinda.

351. You live in here, now?

352. No, just takin' a shower.

353. Thanks for fixin' the door.

354. Looks great.

355. Mm-hmm.

356. Here's your keys.

357. So, uh, what are you workin' on next?

358. I'm just going to a house over on Franklin.

359. Owner saw some work on a Marion Mahony Griffin house.

360. A—who?

361. One of the world's first female architects.

362. - Born in Chicago. - Oh, wow.

363. You never heard of her.

364. - No. - She worked with

365. Frank Lloyd Wright.

366. Oh. I heard of him.

367. He stole most of her designs.

368. Oh.

369. What a douche bag.

370. You ever seen any of his buildings?

371. Uh, I don't know. I don't think so.

372. They're all over the South Side.

373. Really? I thought there was

374. just a bunch of crack houses down here.

375. No. Some amazing historical buildings in this area.

376. - Really? - It's one of the reasons

377. I moved to Chicago.

378. Do you wanna see some of them?

379. Sure.

380. You like me.

381. Uh-huh.

382. How much?

383. A lot.

384. Oh.

385. Oh, God.

386. Oh, shit.

387. Are you doin' this?

388. Oh, my God.

389. There's someone in the back.

390. - So? - Well, what if he sees?

391. He's got his earbuds in.

392. Fuck it, go faster.

393. - Barb? - Oh, hey. Hi.

394. - Hey. - How's it goin', man?

395. - All right. - Have a seat.

396. Thanks. Uh, thanks for— for meeting me, you know.

397. - Sure. - Brad spoke very highly

398. of you, so.

399. So I—I didn't know I could have a woman as a sponsor.

400. Oh, yeah. Anybody's a sponsor as long as

401. there is no risk of falling in love with that person.

402. Ah.

403. Well, you never know, right?

404. Ha! Fat chance, honey.

405. So...

406. What are we doing here?

407. Uhh, well—

408. I—I got some shit goin' on, you know,

409. other than Brad falling and I'm kinda

410. havin' a hard time with it.

411. And I got this professor, he got carted off to prison.

412. - Mm. - Um, then got this ex

413. who's dating this guy who got some other girl pregnant.

414. I'm sorry, did I just walk into

415. an episode of Gossip Girl?

416. - What? - I mean, why should I

417. care about some bitch, a guy, a pregnant girl,

418. - jailbird teacher? - I'm—I'm sharing, you know.

419. And what exactly does that Blake Lively whiney crap

420. gotta do with you?

421. It's what I'm going through.

422. What the hell you talkin' about, man?

423. You're not going through any of that crap.

424. I mean, you have convinced yourself that you are.

425. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, so you don't have to

426. actually look at your own shit.

427. It's a fucking classic codependence.

428. All right, what's your problem?

429. Halfway decent lookin' guy.

430. I'm assuming you're not a complete moron, right?

431. Okay, um—

432. You know, maybe this isn't a good match, huh?

433. Okay, well, you call me when you're ready

434. to talk about you.

435. Are we in Canada?

436. Not yet.

437. Now, we walk.

438. Yes.

439. What's Canada like, Mr. Frank?

440. Well, it's wilderness as far as the eye can see.

441. Filled with maple trees that have an endless supply

442. of magical syrup in their trunks.

443. I would like to try magical syrup.

444. You will, Fatemeh. You will also receive

445. a pound of Canadian bacon, a pair of ice skates

446. and a gift card to Tim Hortons as a welcome gift.

447. - Oh, wow. - Wow!

448. Ah, if you thought Lady Liberty had a lot to offer,

449. wait till you see what the lumberjack country

450. has in store for you.

451. Health care for all, marriage equality for gays,

452. legal hookers for the asking.

453. Oh, I think I will enjoy Canada.

454. The Canucks can be a boring people,

455. but every now and again, Mother Canada spits out

456. a halfway decent talent like Bill Shatner,

457. uh, Celine Dion, um, Pamela Anderson,

458. Justin Bieber.

459. Oh, I would like to meet Justin Bieber.

460. Anything's possible.

461. That's why Canada's called The New Land of the Free.

462. Ah!

463. Damn it, Svet. I just put new ice in that.

464. - Kevin, come clean this up. - I got it.

465. No.

466. - What? - You broke the glass,

467. you clean up the ice.

468. This is something you always do.

469. Exactly. So now it's your turn.

470. This is a man's job.

471. I don't think you're hearing me.

472. I'm not cleaning out the ice.

473. The ice will not be cleaned out by me.

474. You broke the glass. This is 50% your bar.

475. I've done the shit work 100% of the time.

476. That means you owe me a bunch of times

477. to clean out the ice.

478. So go replace it before a customer

479. gets glass in his drink, cuts his throat open,

480. sues the bar, shuts us down and then your ass

481. is back out on the streets.

482. I'm doing my lemons.

483. That was so hot.

484. I don't know what came over me.

485. Ohh, you're in full-on domination mode.

486. Oh, yeah. Something in me just snapped.

487. I'm tired of her controlling us.

488. You're making me so hot.

489. I'm making myself so hot.

490. This is one of my favorite buildings in the city.

491. - This place? - One of the first

492. residential high-rise buildings ever built.

493. No shit. I've walked past here a thousand times.

494. Built as luxury apartments for the Chicago Exhibition

495. in the '30s.

496. I know a guy who got his face shot off in here.

497. Arched windows. It's Romanesque revival.

498. Look at the ornamental cornice.

499. I would look at it if I knew what a cornice was.

500. Up the top, there.

501. Come here.

502. See all that extraordinary masonry work and detail?

503. It's remarkable.

504. You mean the little ribbon things?

505. It's polychromatic brick façade on top of beautiful stone.

506. - Looks kinda like a castle. - Yeah

507. This is the Frank Lloyd Wright thing?

508. Built for the Robie family.

509. And the planters are supposed to break the inside out

510. so it divides.

511. And we're under a bridge.

512. And now everyday places—

513. Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man also lie with mankind

514. as he lieth with a woman, both of them

515. have committed an abomination."

516. Praise the Lord.

517. But we are here today

518. to give sweet Tammy a chance to redeem herself

519. in the eyes of the Lord and return back to her flock.

520. Are you fuckin' kidding me?

521. Matthew 18 says we must confront the sinner

522. and give him a chance to repent.

523. So, I ask you in front of your family,

524. Tammy, do you want to be cured of

525. the homosexuality disease and go back

526. to being a normal girl again?

527. Yes.

528. Jesus.

529. Do you want God back in your life, Tammy?

530. I do.

531. He can't hear you, Tammy.

532. Do you want God back in your life?

533. Yes! Yes.

534. Then let us now close our eyes and raise our palms to Tammy

535. so that we may light the path

536. for this lost lamb to find her way back

537. to the kingdom of heaven where she can become

538. the beautiful, feminine woman with long hair

539. that she was put on this Earth to be.

540. Amen.

541. Oh, I'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy.

542. Come on, let's get out of here.

543. Romans, chapter 128.

544. Fatemeh!

545. Fatemeh, are you okay?

546. - Can I have your goat? - What happened?

547. She fainted.

548. This walk was too much for her!

549. When are we going to get to Canada?

550. Yeah.

551. Ah!

552. Calm down, she needs air.

553. Man was not meant to hike in a burka.

554. Oh, wow. She's kind of pretty.

555. Yeah. I thought she was a 70-year-old woman.

556. Uh.

557. What happened?

558. Where am I?

559. On your way to freedom.

560. Here you go.

561. - Yeah, thank you. - May I, please?

562. - Yes. - Here, I get.

563. Yalla, buddy.

564. Okay, now I'll do some without my helmet.

565. How does my hair look?

566. I don't know. Red?

567. Just take the pictures.

568. What do you need these for?

569. I'm trying to get some freelance welding work.

570. Abortions aren't cheap, Liam. Remember that

571. when some skank tells you she's on the pill.

572. You're pregnant?

573. I don't know yet.

574. Do I look sexy enough?

575. I guess.

576. These are great.

577. I look super hot.

578. Gonna put an ad on craigslist.

579. "Sexy welder girl looking for work.

580. No job too big or too small.

581. Take some more with cleavage.

582. Hey.

583. - You okay? - No.

584. Men are fucking assholes.

585. I'm—

586. Yeah, I'm sure you guys can figure it out.

587. - What? - I mean, it was probably

588. just an accident.

589. He murdered my mother.

590. Wh-who are you talking about?

591. My father. What'd you think.

592. Your father killed—

593. You never told me.

594. His parole hearing's down at Pontiac Correctional

595. first thing in the morning.

596. Charlie and I are driving down there tonight,

597. but he's an hour late.

598. They let my father out, I'm moving to Mexico.

599. - Hey, hey— - You're late.

600. I'm sorry.

601. Yo. You didn't tell her anything, did you?

602. No.

603. All right, but you got a long drive ahead of you.

604. There's plenty of time for you to do it.

605. There she is.

606. This is the place you're restoring?

607. Yep. And I get to stay here

608. while I'm doing it.

609. - It's beautiful. - Traditional Craftsman.

610. Built in 1923. Greene and Greene were influenced

611. by the English Arts and Crafts movement.

612. You comin'?

613. Okay.

614. - There she is. - Canada?

615. The freedom falls.

616. She sits on the border and keeps guard

617. over both countries.

618. Enough love in her cascading waters to embrace

619. both of her children, the United States and Canada.

620. - Let's go to Canada! - We made it?

621. - Ahh! - We are here!

622. - We made it! - Freedom falls!

623. Freedom falls!

624. - Yalla, come on! - I think I can take it

625. - from here, Mr. Frank. - Yes.

626. Yalla!

627. Ah!

628. Ohh.

629. - You okay, yes? - Much good.

630. - Gimme that. - What are you doin'?

631. This place is kinda sketch, huh?

632. Next.

633. - Hi. - Paperwork.

634. Forgot to sign the declaration of need.

635. Here you go.

636. "By signing this form, I declare that I am

637. in need of emergency food and that my income

638. is below the poverty level."

639. Hm?

640. It's kinda humiliating, don't you think?

641. Mm-hmm.

642. - Thank you. - I haven't been

643. to a food bank in a while,

644. do you have rotisserie chicken?

645. Next.

646. - Here you are. - What is this stuff?

647. Beans, cheese and oatmeal.

648. What am I supposed to make with it?

649. Use your imagination. Sir?

650. Paperwork.

651. I love all of the stained glass.

652. Yeah, they're typical of these places.

653. It's what they call Arts and Crafts houses.

654. - Cool. - Come here, I wanna

655. show you somethin'.

656. Sit.

657. You won't be disappointed.

658. Okay.

659. Look up.

660. Oh, my God.

661. - Mm. - Oh, that is awesome.

662. What is that made with?

663. Hand painted with gold leaf.

664. It's brilliant, huh?

665. Yeah, it is.

666. You're not kissing me back.

667. Mm.

668. I'm sorry.

669. Oh, no. Uh—

670. I'm sorry, I— I thought you were single.

671. - I didn't see a ring. - I am single.

672. My gaydar's usually better.

673. I'm not gay.

674. Wow.

675. I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.

676. You asked me to lie on a bed with you.

677. Right. To look at the ceiling.

678. I'm sorry.

679. Ah—

680. No, no worries, I—

681. - I'm not looking for anything— - No, I got it.

682. Complicated.

683. Complicated?

684. Your family and everything. You.

685. Me?

686. You're complicated.

687. Oh.

688. Okay.

689. - Didn't mean it as an insult. - No, I mean—

690. being called complicated feels...

691. awesome.

692. I'm gonna go.

693. - I'll drive you back. - No, it's okay.

694. I'll just, uh, Uber.

695. Thanks for showing me around.

696. Thank you.

697. Good luck, my friend. Good luck.

698. Your name is Frank.

699. You are from the US of A,

700. - and you like apples. - I knew you had it in you.

701. - Only took you 16 hours. - Thank you, my friend.

702. Good luck, good luck.

703. Good-bye, soon to be Mrs. Justin Bieber.

704. Shukraan.

705. Easy, easy.

706. I owe you seven mile piggyback ride.

707. I'm gonna hold you to it, goat lady.

708. Thank you.

709. There you go. I got it.

710. Let me help you with the goat. Come on, boy.

711. Uh, to you, buddy.

712. This thing's heavy.

713. Good luck to you.

714. Shalom, my friends.

715. That's all of 'em, Pierre.

716. I drop them to the safe house

717. and swing back and take you to the pharmacy.

718. Merci beaucoup, amigo.

719. Gonna miss those brown bunnies.

720. Mm.

721. Hey, Deb, did you get your period yet?

722. No.

723. Smells disgusting.

724. It's free. Eat it.

725. Ah, there's no way that's real cheese.

726. Carl doesn't like this, sis.

727. - Sis? - I'm gonna Postmates

728. KFC for him, who's in?

729. - Ah, me, sis. - Thanks, sis.

730. - Thanks, babe. - Eat it or don't eat it,

731. I don't care. It counts as

732. my groceries for the week.

733. KFC will be here in 20 minutes.

734. - You rock. - No, you do. Mm.

735. Oh, hell yeah!

736. I just got a welding job for tomorrow!

737. "Sexy welder girl"?

738. Gotta go with your assets.

739. - Do we have a Bible? - A bible?

740. Yeah, the good book.

741. I doubt it.

742. Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me

743. I was complicated?

744. Yes.

745. Are you serious? How?

746. Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.

747. And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.

748. Who had several different names.

749. Almost married a heroin addict.

750. Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.

751. Didn't you also get fired from a job

752. for fucking your boss' brother?

753. - Oh, yeah! - Testified against me

754. to the military, fired me, stole my church.

755. Wow, you found a Bible?

756. Okay, I get it. I'm complicated.

757. I'm gonna go walk my dog now.

758. Well, I can keep going.

759. Oh, fuck you guys.

760. At least Rusty loves me.

761. This poor child couldn't help himself

762. once the devil got inside of him.

763. - Mm-hmm. - Psalm 101:3 says,

764. "I will not look with approval on anything that is vile.

765. I hate what faithless people do. I will have no part of it."

766. Romans 13:8-10 says, "Let no debt

767. remain outstanding, except the continuing debt

768. to love one another, for whoever loves others

769. has fulfilled the law."

770. What is your name?

771. Ian...

772. - Gallagher. - Are you a homosexual, Ian?

773. Indeed, I am.

774. Would you like to come up to the altar

775. and bring Jesus back into your life?

776. Oh, no. I'm—I'm good.

777. See, I already got Jesus in my life.

778. Corinthians 6:9-10 clearly states,

779. "Neither the sexually immoral nor

780. male prostitutes nor homosexuals

781. will inherit the kingdom of God."

782. - Amen. - Oh, really?

783. 'Cause Colossians 3:11-13 says,

784. "Here there is no Jew or Gentile, barbarian, Scythian,

785. slave nor free, but Christ

786. is all, and is in all."

787. Corinthians 6:17-20, "Flee from sexual immorality.

788. All the sins a person commits are outside of the body,

789. but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."

790. Galatians 5:14, "For the entire law

791. is fulfilled in keeping the command:

792. Love thy neighbor as thyself."

793. The lust of the flesh comes not from the father,

794. - but from the world. - Woe to you,

795. teachers of law and Pharisees, you hypocrites.

796. You don't actually think you can win

797. a Bible quoting contest with me.

798. He does.

799. Are you the queer boyfriend?

800. Oh, no, I'm queer transgender

801. ex-boyfriend, actually.

802. But we'll probably start banging again soon.

803. Oh!

804. Hey, any of you queers sick of this bullshit

805. wanna get out of here?

806. We got this brick building over on Ashland.

807. It's the one with all the gay rainbow flags.

808. - I'll go. - Lewis.

809. Get back here.

810. Lewis! Get back here.

811. You wanna fight? I'll fight you,

812. but you're gonna get your ass kicked by

813. a ho-mo-sexual.

814. Let's go.

815. Fags, this way!

816. Steven you get over here, right now.

817. - Lip? - Yeah, yeah. Hey.

818. - Hey. - Uh, thanks for meeting me.

819. Yeah, sure. You got it.

820. How long you been sober, kid?

821. Uhh, about a year.

822. - All right. Good for you. - Thanks.

823. The food decent in this dump?

824. Yeah, it's not bad.

825. You buyin'?

826. - Okay. - Great.

827. Okay.

828. Hey, so, it's cool if I talk about

829. my ex-girlfriend a little bit?

830. You know, I got some shit goin' on with her

831. and I guess I kinda wanna share.

832. - Oh, fuck yeah. - Yeah?

833. You wanna talk about exes, let me tell you about

834. the miserable cuntbag of an ex that gave me

835. a cock suckin' venereal disease.

836. Women can't be trusted.

837. They're all assholes or whores.

838. I think I'll have the cherry pie.

839. I'm all right.

840. There you are, sweetheart.

841. Thank you for waiting.

842. Come on. Seriously?

843. Someone swiped my fuckin' keys again!

844. Carl!

845. No, I have to be serious about my job right now.

846. I was just gonna hold your hand.

847. Okay.

848. Actually, do you mind putting both hands on the wheel, please?

849. Yes, sure. Of course, ma'am.

850. Um, I'm sorry. He's not your boyfriend.

851. You don't get to tell him what to do.

852. This guy is the best driver I have ever met.

853. He could operate this thing with no hands

854. and just his dick and get you there safely.

855. You can let me off right here.

856. But both hands are on the wheel now, ma'am.

857. Let me out. This chick is psycho.

858. Uh, ah.

859. What the hell? You can't be pissing people off.

860. Jesus. Sorry.

861. Who the fuck are you?

862. Where's Denny?

863. We use Igor now.

864. Bullshit we use Igor now.

865. We've been using my buddy Denny as the beer guy

866. since Stan was alive.

867. If he was such a good buddy of yours,

868. you would've noticed that I got rid of him

869. a year ago, and we use Igor now.

870. Well, as of this moment, we're using Denny again.

871. Beat it, Igor.

872. I said beat it, Igor.

873. I'm—I'm gonna go.

874. What the hell did you just do?

875. You saw what I just did,

876. so why the fuck are you asking me?

877. Meet you inside.

878. My man calls. Here's your little psychopath.

879. Can you watch my daughter a second?

880. Hell yeah!

881. It's about time.

882. You were awesome.

883. Uh, what? What are you talking about?

884. Going at it with that pastor.

885. What—wait, what? How do you know?

886. It's on YouTube.

887. It's already got, like, 1,000 hits.

888. - Seriously? - Uh-huh.

889. Thanks, man.

890. Yeah, no—no problem.

891. So what now?

892. I guess I gotta find you guys a place to stay.

893. Guys wanna help me out?

894. Come on.

895. Thank you for meeting with me, Ernest.

896. I wanted to talk to you about maybe being my new sponsor.

897. Haven't had much luck finding one.

898. I seem to upset people when I bring up my ex-girlfriend,

899. but, uh, that's what's going on with me.

900. You know, that's—that's what I want to talk about.

901. Are you okay?

902. Ernest, your, um— your head is buzzing.

903. Sorry?

904. Okay.

905. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna be right back.

906. You don't go anywhere.

907. All right? You stay here.

908. Hey, how'd the thing with your dad go?

909. They don't decide right away.

910. I gotta go punch in.

911. - You tell her yet? - It wasn't the right time.

912. When's the right time gonna be?

913. It's none of your goddamn business.

914. No, fuck this, how 'bout I fucking tell her then?

915. The fuck you will, man.

916. You guys are fighting?

917. I'm worried that my deadbeat father's

918. gonna be released from jail,

919. and come after me or Neil or Lucas,

920. and you're starting shit with Charlie again?

921. Stay out of my life and focus on your own shit, Lip.

922. - Where you going? - Home.

923. I thought you hated it there.

924. Changed my mind!

925. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow?

926. You're just gonna let me go back home?

927. No, but I thought you wanted to.

928. Yeah, because you don't love me anymore.

929. When did I say that?

930. When you yelled at me for trying to

931. hold your hand in the car.

932. I didn't yell at you for trying to hold my hand.

933. I yelled at you because you scared a customer off.

934. You're yelling at me right now!

935. Because you're being crazy.

936. Where are you going?

937. I don't know!

938. Oh, my God, fucking headache.

939. Are you breaking up with me?

940. What? No.

941. Can we just go back inside please?

942. Okay.

943. You made it!

944. - Hi. - Hello.

945. I thought you were just having a few friends over for Happy Hour.

946. - We're pregnant. - Oh, my God!

947. Oh, my God, that's awesome.

948. - Thank you. - Ah, here.

949. - Thanks. - Oh, my God.

950. - Hi, Fiona. - Hi!

951. - Hi. - Congratulations.

952. - Thank you, honey, thank you. - Hi—oh.

953. - Oh, hi, wow. - Hi.

954. Happy Mel! Not used to that.

955. Babies make me giddy.

956. So which one of you did the fertility treatment?

957. - Me. - Except we're both pregnant.

958. Wait, what?

959. - Yeah. - Shit.

960. - Yeah. - Yes.

961. How is that possible?

962. I'll give you a hint.

963. Wait, you had sex?

964. Like, dick sex?

965. It was the one and only time,

966. and it was awful.

967. Why did you do it then?

968. Increase our odds.

969. We couldn't afford IVF for both of us, so...

970. Yeah, and she drew the short straw.

971. And I fucking lost my lesbian gold star.

972. Whose dick was it?

973. Ford's!

974. I-Irish Ford?

975. - Yes. - He's the father?

976. - Yeah. - Yeah, for both of us.

977. Get the fuck out of here.

978. - I know, yeah. - Uh-huh.

979. And our kids are gonna look just like that.

980. Mm!

981. Is that—that's one of Ford's?

982. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

983. Jesus, how many does this guy have?

984. Two others besides him.

985. He's the lesbian spunk of choice.

986. Yeah, dude has primo sperm.

987. - O-okay. - Yeah.

988. That's good to know.

989. And there he is, the man of the hour.

990. - Whoo! Whoo-whoo. - Baby daddy!

991. Congratulations, Daddy.

992. Thanks.

993. Have him put a baby in you, too, Fiona.

994. Yeah, then we can all be fat and pregnant together.

995. - Five kids, huh? - Yeah.

996. It's getting a little out of hand.

997. Well, at least you get some action out of it.

998. It was humiliating.

999. She was hammered, laughing the whole time.

1000. Now who's complicated?

1001. Cheers.

1002. Six hundred bucks from the Muslims,

1003. 750 off the meds.

1004. Not bad for a couple of hard days' work.

1005. Where's my cut?

1006. Here you go.

1007. We are on our way to financial independence, son.

1008. Twenty bucks?

1009. We finally found a family business

1010. that uses our God-given talents.

1011. - How about 50? - And, Liam, listen to me.

1012. It's true what they say:

1013. With a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck,

1014. you can make something of yourself in America.

1015. And we owe all of our success to one person.

1016. - Who's that? - The Twitterer-in-Chief.

1017. To false fear.

1018. Fucking codependent, huh?

1019. Couldn't stay away from me, could ya?

1020. Well, compared to everybody else, you're not so bad.

1021. Jesus, already falling in love with me.

1022. Look, um...

1023. I don't know what to talk about.

1024. You know, if I'm not talking about someone else's drama.

1025. General rule of thumb:

1026. their circus, their monkeys.

1027. Just talk about yourself.

1028. Yeah, I don't know what that looks like.

1029. It's okay.

1030. Old Barb'll drag it out of you soon enough.

1031. So if you're gonna be my sponsor,

1032. then we gotta meet at places like this?

1033. Try some Green Goddess.

1034. The fuck is in this?

1035. Where's the Sonic?

1036. Sold it—time to expand our business, son.

1037. Let's get 'em loaded in.

1038. - Come on, folks, welcome. - This way.

1039. Welcome, welcome.

1040. We have a 16-hour journey ahead of us.

1041. I'll help you.

1042. We'll play a little get-to-know-you game

1043. as soon as you're comfortably settled in.

1044. Eh?

1045. Boom.

1046. What about the way I put that beer guy in his place, huh?

1047. Oh, that was hot, the way you put Svetlana in her place.

1048. I feel like I'm finally getting my balls back from her.

1049. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

1050. Oh, yeah.

1051. - Yeah! - They're really turning me on.

1052. Oh, yeah.

1053. Sounds like you're getting

1054. pushed out of the picture, Natasha.