1. You missed it, didn't ya?
Copy !req
2. You don't know
what happened last week.
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3. You want me to tell you?
Give me 100 bucks.
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4. Come on, 100 bucks,
I'll tell you what ha—
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5. Okay, 50 bucks!
You make a good living!
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6. Give me some fucking money!
Copy !req
7. You want to know
what happened or not?
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8. Well then, fuck you.
I'm not telling you.
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9. It's my goal to get you all
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10. safely across the border
into Canada.
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11. - Do you see anybody?
- No, I don't see—
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12. Hello. Wrong side
of the border, boys, eh?
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13. You can find your own
rich dude to control.
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14. I am past
my prime whoring years.
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15. Top ten places
to look for rich dudes.
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16. Number one: high-end pubs.
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17. We're taking you
sugar-daddy shopping.
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18. I saw you took
the "For Rent" sign down.
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19. It's about time I got
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20. something of my own
for a change.
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21. You're pretty damn intriguing.
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22. How intriguing?
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23. There was, uh, an accident
at my building,
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24. one of the roofer guys
fell off the roof.
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25. - Is he okay?
- I think he broke his ankle.
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26. If there's anything that
I can do to help.
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27. Thank you.
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28. What, Youens still?
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29. I can't stop picturing him
in an orange jumpsuit
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30. for the rest of his life.
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31. You're a good fucking friend,
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32. but you can't fix everything.
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33. You still on that Bible shit?
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34. Yeah, I'm proving to
my online haters
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35. that Jesus is a fag hag.
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36. Another gaycorcism's going down.
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37. Gotta gather the kids.
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38. - Who are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.
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39. - Check this out.
- Wow.
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40. You're
yelling at me right now!
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41. Because you're being crazy!
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42. Yes, I'll marry you!
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43. Fucking hell yes!
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44. Oh, my God...
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45. Ah, you're, uh,
still at it.
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46. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out
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47. where all the
gay-hating churches are.
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48. There's like one
in every neighborhood.
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49. Homophobia's back in style.
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50. Not for long.
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51. I've got more kids coming
for a meeting tonight.
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52. - Youens still in jail?
- Yeah.
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53. Yeah, I'm actually gonna
go check on him later today.
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54. Oh.
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55. Hey, they've got
a retirement calculator.
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56. I fucking love the internet.
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57. I'll roll over my 401K
from Lumber Lawn and Lighting.
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58. And then I add
my estimated yearly earnings.
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59. What are you doing, Frank?
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60. Planning my retirement.
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61. Time to reflect on
my accomplishments
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62. and to bask in the spoils
of a life well-lived.
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63. You mean leech off your kids
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64. and drink booze
out of a backpack?
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65. You guys, Farhad found me
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66. a temp job that
pays 40 bucks an hour!
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67. - Oh, yeah?
- Some nighttime welding gig.
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68. I don't know, nighttime welding?
Sounds kind of sketchy, Debs.
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69. Took me two weeks to make
300 bucks walking dogs.
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70. I can handle sketchy.
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71. Expenses? Alcohol and drugs
is non-negotiable.
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72. Clothing? Yes,
the occasional golf shirt
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73. or swimwear for leisurely
retirement pursuits.
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74. Hola, hola, good morning.
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75. No mortgage...
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76. Hola, mi cielito.
Como estás?
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77. No rent...
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78. Are you ready to have a nice day
with your abuelita?
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79. I'll change you.
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80. - Good morning, boo.
- Did you make all this?
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81. Yes.
For you, bae.
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82. I am going to cook for you
every day,
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83. and dinner too,
and then blow jobs for dessert.
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84. I'm going to be
the best fucking wife.
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85. The age
I'd like to retire,
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86. based on my current age?
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87. Well... they're identical, so.
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88. I—
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89. W—this makes no sense.
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90. Let me see.
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91. Come on.
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92. All right, you need...
23 grand annually to retire.
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93. And you are short by about...
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94. 22 grand.
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95. Sounds right to me.
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96. Oh, fuck that.
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97. I've got engagement presents!
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98. The vibrations
will lift up your follicles
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99. so that the blades cut
below your skin.
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100. Thank you.
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101. And a Nintendo 3DS
for Liam.
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102. Dope.
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103. And a Zen garden
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104. with a tiny, little sand rake
for you.
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105. And, um, a Fitbit for Ian.
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106. Sweet.
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107. And... hot rollers for you.
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108. Cool.
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109. And for you, my sweet,
hot bitch...
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110. I found it.
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111. What is it?
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112. Is that blood?
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113. Is that your blood?
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114. Yeah.
It's your blood now.
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115. You possess me,
and vice versa.
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116. Here.
Come here.
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117. I'll try not to nick an artery.
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118. Gross.
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119. - Hi.
- Hi.
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120. Nice color.
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121. It's called "Dangerous Robot."
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122. I'm doing the bathroom
in Liquid Kitty.
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123. What happened to just "blue"?
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124. Blue... is not badass.
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125. Well, neither is Liquid Kitty;
it sounds like a dyke bar.
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126. Why don't you just paint it
"Wet Pussy"?
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127. Benjamin Moore
didn't have that one.
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128. It took me forever to choose.
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129. What is my taste, even?
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130. Ghetto chic.
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131. That's by necessity, not choice.
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132. Well, you're asking
the wrong gal.
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133. Mel handles this shit.
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134. And her style's like...
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135. resort meets brothel.
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136. That's perfect for a nursery.
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137. You guys start
picking out cribs?
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138. Crib, singular.
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139. We're down a fetus.
I miscarried.
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140. Oh, shit.
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141. It's okay.
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142. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but
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143. we hadn't figured
we'd both get pregnant.
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144. Least now I can drink.
Got any beer?
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145. Yeah, go help yourself.
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146. Well, how's Mel taking it?
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147. I haven't told her yet.
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148. Maybe I'll eat smoked salmon
and raw eggs in front of her,
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149. and see if she notices.
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150. "Hey, stranger.
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151. Picking up some chairs
for a client.
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152. Wanna join and grab
some furniture for your flat?"
Copy !req
153. - Is that Ford?
- Mm-hmm.
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154. Say yes.
He's like a furniture savant.
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155. So the last time I saw him,
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156. we kissed,
and then he threw me out.
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157. Well, said he had to work.
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158. I have never waited this long
for someone to bang me.
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159. It's kind of fun, weirdly.
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160. For now.
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161. Guy better be an animal in bed.
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162. I wouldn't know.
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163. I closed my eyes and
pictured Scarlett Johansson.
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164. But I've heard
glowing accounts.
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165. Well, if I find out
before I'm 40,
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166. I'll let you know.
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167. Any bites yet?
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168. Maybe we should change
her profile description.
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169. What does it say now?
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170. "Sassy Russian ex-prostitute
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171. seeks single geriatric male
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172. with piles of money
and a terminal illness."
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173. Subtle.
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174. Guy named Gerald
seems interested.
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175. Luxury cigar importer.
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176. Hey, guess what we're doing.
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177. I can find my own rich husband.
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178. We know that you can,
but if a wealthy cigar importer
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179. comes into The Alibi tonight,
it won't kill you
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180. to smile and have a drink.
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181. What is the point of smiling?
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182. Make other people feel good.
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183. I make people feel good
other ways.
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184. Yes, you do.
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185. But there are some situations
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186. where hand jobs
are not appropriate.
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187. American mid-century modern.
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188. Mm.
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189. That's cool.
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190. Reference to the Danish
design movement of the 1950s.
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191. Try it.
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192. - It's comfy.
- Mm-hmm.
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193. - Not sure it's me though.
- Says who?
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194. You get to choose that.
That's what design is for.
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195. Decide who you want to be.
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196. speaking Greek
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197. - speaking Greek
- speaking Greek
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198. speaks Greek
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199. Thank you.
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200. - What the fuck was that?
- Uh, Greek.
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201. I lived in a monastery
in Macedonia for a while.
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202. Of course you did.
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203. And I just scored you
a $2,000 chair for 450,
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204. which is insane.
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205. I'm not gonna spend
$450 on a chair.
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206. It's not a chair.
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207. It's an investment
in your future self.
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208. How much
that building cost you?
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209. It was a lot more than I had.
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210. Why'd you buy it then?
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211. You're good.
Copy !req
212. - Hi.
- Hi. Inmate's name?
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213. It's, uh, Clyde Youens.
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214. Y-O-U-E-N-S.
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215. I'm sorry, he's deceased.
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216. What?
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217. There was an incident.
He didn't survive.
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218. W—when?
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219. Tuesday.
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220. Next of kin was contacted
and the body was claimed.
Copy !req
221. Next.
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222. - Hi.
- Hey.
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223. Here for Paddy, 4629...
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224. They're kicking him out
of the hospital in the morning.
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225. And how is
this my problem, huh?
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226. He fell.
I didn't push him.
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227. He worked six hours;
he'll get his 150 bucks
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228. when the job is done
and I get paid.
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229. That's how this works.
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230. We're not leaving this spot
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231. until we get out our money.
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232. Whatever!
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233. Sorry to bother you.
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234. Do you mind if my kids
use your bathroom?
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235. Sure.
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236. We love you, Ian!
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237. There he is.
Look, it's Ian.
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238. - Ian! Ian!
- Can you come to our...
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239. - What's up, guys?
- My boyfriend is gonna flip.
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240. He can't stop talking about you.
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241. Could you, uh,
record a message for him?
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242. His name's Nico James.
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243. Mr. Gallagher,
hi, I'm Reverend Murphy.
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244. I'm a pastor at
Trinity and Life Evangelical—
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245. Oh, we don't need
any more ministers,
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246. but if you want to give money,
that'd be cool—
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247. I'm not here for me.
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248. Some folks from my church
wanted to meet you.
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249. This is Alice.
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250. Her parents put her through
conversion therapy twice.
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251. She has something for you.
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252. Go on, honey.
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253. Wow.
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254. That, uh, tha—
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255. you drew this?
Thank you.
Copy !req
256. Can you, like, heal people?
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257. I'm a paramedic, so...
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258. Well, when are you gonna
perform your next miracle?
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259. Oh, no, I don't
perform miracles.
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260. Do you—I'm sorry,
I only saw the one video.
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261. - What is your ministry, again?
- I don't have one.
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262. I just kind of show up
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263. to these conversion things
and argue with assholes.
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264. I... lead meetings at this
youth center if you guys want—
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265. My boyfriend needs help.
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266. Could you talk to him?
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267. Oh, well, lookee here,
Mr. Popularity.
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268. - Mr. Viral Sensation.
- Okay.
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269. Mr. King of the Queens.
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270. Kind of hoping
they'll lose interest.
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271. Yeah, well, there's more
and more of them every day.
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272. They're blocking
the garage door.
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273. I'm gonna have to
park the ambulance
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274. outside by the curb
so I don't accidentally
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275. run somebody over.
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276. What do they even want?
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277. Uh—
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278. Guess they just want
to be seen by...
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279. someone who sees 'em back.
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280. Oh, please.
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281. Looks to me like they want to
douse you in syrup
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282. and slurp you up with a spoon.
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283. Could be down for that.
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284. That chair suits you.
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285. Might be the first time
I bought something
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286. I didn't actually need.
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287. Beautiful, functional
everyday objects
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288. should be affordable.
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289. My idea of affordable is
looting the house
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290. of the neighbor who just OD'd
so I don't gotta buy new shit.
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291. I've got an old coffee maker
that needs a loving home.
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292. Ooh.
Now you're talking.
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293. Maybe I'll come by
your place later?
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294. - Pick it up?
- I got plans tonight.
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295. I'll drop it off tomorrow.
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296. How long have they
been in there?
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297. About 20 minutes.
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298. Are they bathing?
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299. I think they might be.
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300. Why would they do that?
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301. You think they're homeless?
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302. Jesus, you startled me.
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303. I didn't think
anybody else had keys.
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304. I'm sorry, who are you?
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305. Oh, I'm Lip.
Um.
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306. Phillip Gallagher.
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307. Who are you?
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308. I'm—I'm Tabitha, his daughter.
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309. I—um, are you a student?
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310. No, I was.
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311. I was helping him
after the accident.
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312. Accident? I thought
he was arrested for a DUI.
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313. You know what?
It's okay.
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314. I don't even want to know.
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315. Jesus Christ, this week.
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316. You—you do know he's dead,
right?
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317. What happened?
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318. He had, uh, a seizure.
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319. Alcohol withdrawal.
Hit his head.
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320. - Jesus.
- Yeah.
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321. There's a memorial service
tomorrow,
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322. and the students are welcome
to say a few words if you like.
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323. Oh, no one told me.
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324. The school said
they sent out an email.
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325. I-I-I'm sorry,
who are you again?
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326. I picked up your dad...
from jail,
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327. after the DUI.
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328. I bought him groceries.
I—
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329. Did he pay you?
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330. No, he didn't pay me.
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331. He...
covered the cost of my rehab.
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332. And he got me an internship.
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333. He-he tried to
convince the school
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334. to revoke my expulsion.
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335. He listened to me.
He...
Copy !req
336. listened to me about everything.
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337. Well, glad you were
so well-parented by my dad.
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338. Look, I-I have this covered.
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339. You can leave your key
on the way out.
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340. Thanks.
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341. Sure.
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342. Here you are, sir.
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343. On the house.
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344. - Oh, thank you.
- Of course.
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345. Our elders are
a precious resource.
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346. Thanks for staying alive.
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347. I'll drink to that.
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348. My, my.
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349. You must be Svetlana.
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350. Wow.
What a knockout.
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351. Good evening, ma'am.
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352. May I procure you a cocktail?
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353. Vodka.
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354. Your profile was, uh,
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355. quite provocative.
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356. You were an escort
for a time, weren't you?
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357. Hand whore.
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358. Occasional
cocksucking and fucking.
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359. What is your name?
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360. - Gerald.
- "Gerald."
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361. Sounds like bald man
drowning in hot soup.
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362. Huh?
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363. There you are, m'lady.
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364. What would it run me if, uh,
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365. you and I were to take
a walk out to my vehicle
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366. and you were to
keep me company for 30 minutes?
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367. $900,000.
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368. Forty bucks.
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369. And you take off your shoes
so I don't get any...
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370. dirt on my seat.
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371. Oh!
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372. Could've gone worse.
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373. Don't know how.
Copy !req
374. It sucks when people use God as
an excuse for their own hatred,
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375. and when it's your family,
it's the worst.
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376. Look,
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377. I know you don't
want to hurt your parents,
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378. but sometimes they forget.
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379. God creates us all
in his own image.
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380. We gotta jog their memory.
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381. If they believe that God hates
the same people as they do,
Copy !req
382. well, they're creating God
in their image.
Copy !req
383. That's right. That's right.
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384. We all have a Holy Spirit.
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385. We're all holy.
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386. We're all divine...
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387. Jesus, listen to that.
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388. Oh, I know.
He's like a prophet.
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389. And he's super hot too.
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390. Like hot gay Jesus.
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391. "Hot gay Jesus."
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392. Bet we can make money
off of that.
Copy !req
393. How?
Copy !req
394. Ring the right bell
for the right causes,
Copy !req
395. the guilt-ridden
pry open their wallets.
Copy !req
396. It's Pavlovian.
Copy !req
397. Righteousness
is very marketable.
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398. What's that all about?
Copy !req
399. Uh, just a queer
religious rebellion
Copy !req
400. led by your gay brother.
No biggie.
Copy !req
401. We all have
the Trinity inside of us.
Copy !req
402. I'd like to read a passage
from Romans now.
Copy !req
403. - Who are we hiding from?
- The union workers.
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404. We gotta wait till
they leave for the night.
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405. - How do we get paid?
- Cash.
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406. We meet tomorrow, location TBA,
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407. and they'll text the address.
Copy !req
408. My God.
This is so exciting.
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409. Everybody, let's go, let's go.
Copy !req
410. OMG.
That was amazing.
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411. Your brother is,
like, everything.
Copy !req
412. And they all ate my popovers.
Copy !req
413. God, I am really fucking happy.
Copy !req
414. - Are you?
- Yeah.
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415. But are you, like,
really fucking happy
Copy !req
416. or are you just, like, meh?
Copy !req
417. I'm really fuckin' happy.
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418. Yay.
Copy !req
419. - Hey, what you writing?
- A list.
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420. "Swiss Army knife, stun gun,
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421. retractable night stick,"
what-what is this shit?
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422. List for school.
Give it back.
Copy !req
423. Wait, military school?
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424. You said that
you weren't going back.
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425. We're engaged!
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426. I never said
I wasn't going back.
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427. I've been packing my duffel bag
all week.
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428. Oh, I'm sorry.
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429. I guess I've been just too busy
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430. buying your fuckin' family shit
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431. and-and making
a fucking life for us.
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432. Meanwhile, you've just
been shitting all over it.
Copy !req
433. Why did we even bother
getting engaged?
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434. Why did I fucking
cut myself for you?
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435. We'll
make it work; you'll come visit.
Copy !req
436. - We'll scout motels.
- Motels?
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437. What am I, a prostitute?
Copy !req
438. No, I never said that!
Copy !req
439. You are so
full of shit, Carl!
Copy !req
440. - You don't even love me!
- Of course I love you!
Copy !req
441. Well,
you don't love me enough!
Copy !req
442. Then how do I
prove it to you?
Copy !req
443. Um, you're not supposed to ask
Copy !req
444. how you prove to love somebody,
you should just prove it.
Copy !req
445. Well, obviously
it's not fuckin' enough.
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446. Uh, yeah,
because your real goal is
Copy !req
447. to go back to military school.
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448. Of course that doesn't
make me think that you love me!
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449. I want you to stay here
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450. and be my husband!
Copy !req
451. Reverend Murph,
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452. this is my sister Fiona.
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453. - Pleasure.
- Hi.
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454. I'm super impressed, dude.
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455. The only way I can
get that many people
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456. is if I offer free pizza.
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457. No, it's just
'cause of that video.
Copy !req
458. No.
You got something, man.
Copy !req
459. Bunch of folks
who couldn't make it
Copy !req
460. already messaged me
about the next one.
Copy !req
461. Oh, I definitely can't
fit more people in here
Copy !req
462. than I did tonight.
Copy !req
463. Would you feel weird
about using our parish hall?
Copy !req
464. No pressure.
Copy !req
465. Just shoot me a text
when you decide,
Copy !req
466. I'll send you the address.
Copy !req
467. Thanks for the beer.
Copy !req
468. How's the new place?
Copy !req
469. Small.
Quiet.
Copy !req
470. - I bought a chair.
- Oh.
Copy !req
471. Your, uh, fellowship thing
Copy !req
472. seems to be doing well.
Copy !req
473. First Gallagher
to become famous for something
Copy !req
474. other than larceny or assault.
Copy !req
475. Ha, yeah.
Copy !req
476. It's, uh...
Copy !req
477. it's getting pretty out of hand.
Copy !req
478. I got people showing up
at my home,
Copy !req
479. church place, work.
Copy !req
480. I had to shut down
my Facebook page.
Copy !req
481. So why not quit
if you hate it so much?
Copy !req
482. I don't.
Copy !req
483. Just... trying to manage it.
Copy !req
484. She's back to flipping
out again about military school.
Copy !req
485. Says I can't go
'cause we're engaged.
Copy !req
486. Wait, you're actually engaged?
Copy !req
487. - I thought that was a joke.
- Don't marry her.
Copy !req
488. I can't lose her.
Copy !req
489. She's fun, hot,
Copy !req
490. rich, hot.
Copy !req
491. She loves me.
Copy !req
492. No one's ever
loved me this hard.
Copy !req
493. Do not marry her, okay?
Copy !req
494. She is a fucking psycho.
Copy !req
495. Marry her.
Copy !req
496. Hear me and heed me.
Copy !req
497. Do not let that frothing piece
of lady meat out of your sight.
Copy !req
498. She has a trust fund.
Copy !req
499. Get joint checking.
Copy !req
500. And whatever you do,
do not sign a prenup.
Copy !req
501. Hey.
Copy !req
502. It's Gay Jesus.
Copy !req
503. Can I have this?
Copy !req
504. Hey!
Scabs!
Copy !req
505. - Go, go!
- Fuckin' run!
Copy !req
506. - Oh, fuck!
- Get back here!
Copy !req
507. Debbie!
Debbie, run!
Copy !req
508. Come here, you motherfucker!
Copy !req
509. Hey!
Copy !req
510. How ya feeling?
Copy !req
511. Like shit.
Copy !req
512. Sorry to hear that.
Copy !req
513. Your boss emailed me.
Copy !req
514. He finished the job,
sent me an invoice.
Copy !req
515. Probably want to track
him down so you can get paid.
Copy !req
516. Thanks for the heads up.
Copy !req
517. Okay.
You did really well last night.
Copy !req
518. However, we need
to tone down the rage a little.
Copy !req
519. You're not gonna get anywhere
if your date thinks
Copy !req
520. you want to murder him
the second he ties the knot.
Copy !req
521. - What if I do?
- Great question.
Copy !req
522. Which brings us to Part A
of our plan: etiquette.
Copy !req
523. Rich guys are old school.
Copy !req
524. They want a lady to be a lady.
Copy !req
525. A man wants to feel powerful.
Copy !req
526. Really powerful.
Copy !req
527. So let him dominate
the conversation.
Copy !req
528. Act like he's
totally fascinating.
Copy !req
529. I cannot do this.
Copy !req
530. Okay, this brings us
to Part B of our plan.
Copy !req
531. This is a tiny microphone.
Attach it to your shirt.
Copy !req
532. This is a tiny earpiece.
Put this in your ear.
Copy !req
533. Oh, come on, Svet.
You're Russian.
Copy !req
534. This is spy shit.
It's in your DNA.
Copy !req
535. Testing, testing.
Can you hear me?
Copy !req
536. You are right there.
Copy !req
537. I meant in the thingy.
Copy !req
538. Can you hear me?
Copy !req
539. Yes.
Copy !req
540. Okay.
Do everything I say.
Copy !req
541. Scratch your nose.
Copy !req
542. Tuck your hair behind your ear.
Copy !req
543. Excellent.
Copy !req
544. Say, "Kevin Ball
has a sexy voice."
Copy !req
545. Why should I lie?
Copy !req
546. Say it.
Copy !req
547. Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
Copy !req
548. Mmm.
Copy !req
549. What the fuck was that
last night?
Copy !req
550. I never said it was risk-free.
Copy !req
551. You also never said
Copy !req
552. we'd be running for our lives.
Copy !req
553. Why'd they hire us instead
of hiring their own guys?
Copy !req
554. Scabs are non-union.
Copy !req
555. Union guys get overtime,
pension, health.
Copy !req
556. So we're screwing over a union
we want to join someday?
Copy !req
557. If we don't take the work,
someone else will.
Copy !req
558. It's wrong and it's dangerous.
Copy !req
559. I'm never being a scab again.
Copy !req
560. Hey, just got a tip
for another gig.
Copy !req
561. Pays even more.
Copy !req
562. Five hundred.
Copy !req
563. I'm in.
Copy !req
564. Hi.
Copy !req
565. What you got there?
Copy !req
566. Free appliance.
Copy !req
567. Works great if you're patient.
Copy !req
568. Is that a shitty,
old percolator?
Copy !req
569. It's Italian.
It's art.
Copy !req
570. Hey.
Copy !req
571. What are you guys
still doing here?
Copy !req
572. We can't leave.
Copy !req
573. Rodney won't
fit in the car with his leg.
Copy !req
574. Plus, our AC is busted.
Copy !req
575. You know anybody with an SUV?
Copy !req
576. Or I can take you somewhere.
Where you headed?
Copy !req
577. Is there, uh, some family
you can stay with
Copy !req
578. or maybe an old neighbor?
Copy !req
579. Oh, we've been looking
into some charity housing,
Copy !req
580. but they all have a wait list.
Copy !req
581. I know someone
who works with local shelters.
Copy !req
582. I can ask him if he maybe knows
a place that could take you.
Copy !req
583. - Wow, you'd do that?
- Sure.
Copy !req
584. Hey.
Copy !req
585. What the fuck?
Copy !req
586. Hey, baby.
Copy !req
587. You cut up all my uniforms?
Copy !req
588. Well, I weighed out
the pros and cons,
Copy !req
589. and I made a decision
for our family.
Copy !req
590. I think that it's
better for everyone
Copy !req
591. that you don't
go back to school.
Copy !req
592. We have a wedding to plan.
Copy !req
593. Kassidi.
Copy !req
594. Don't say my name like that.
Copy !req
595. - Kassidi—
- Do not
Copy !req
596. say my name like that,
I mean it, Carl.
Copy !req
597. Kassidi, this is not a joke!
Copy !req
598. I am going back
to military school.
Copy !req
599. I hate you!
Copy !req
600. Hey!
Copy !req
601. Fuck. Wait!
Copy !req
602. You can't leave me! I'll die!
Copy !req
603. Hey, what the fuck!
You're not gonna die!
Copy !req
604. We're gonna see each other
like once a week!
Copy !req
605. - I can't!
- Open up the door!
Copy !req
606. - I need you!
- What the fuck? You kidding me?
Copy !req
607. This engagement
is bullshit!
Copy !req
608. What?
What the fuck?
Copy !req
609. I paid like 100 bucks for that!
Copy !req
610. - Fuck you!
- Come on!
Copy !req
611. Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Copy !req
612. Oh, my God!
What do you want me to do?
Copy !req
613. Marry me before you leave,
dumb-ass.
Copy !req
614. You love me, right?
Copy !req
615. Then what's
the point in waiting?
Copy !req
616. Okay, fine.
Copy !req
617. - Today?
- Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
618. But—do you have a fake ID?
Copy !req
619. Yeah.-
Copy !req
620. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
621. Where's Ian?
Copy !req
622. I don't know.
I haven't seen him.
Copy !req
623. Fuck.
Copy !req
624. He was supposed to be here
like an hour ago to help set up.
Copy !req
625. Doing this thing about
careers in emergency services
Copy !req
626. for our Life Skills program.
Copy !req
627. Shit-ton of people signed up
because of him, but...
Copy !req
628. whatever.
Copy !req
629. What's up?
Copy !req
630. Uh, one of the guys
Copy !req
631. who was working on my roof
got hurt.
Copy !req
632. He's gonna be out of work
for a few months,
Copy !req
633. and his family's
living out of a car.
Copy !req
634. I was wondering if you might
know any
Copy !req
635. family shelters
that could take him?
Copy !req
636. Um, I might, actually.
Follow me.
Copy !req
637. So, uh, what's your take
on this whole, uh,
Copy !req
638. Ian ambushing
all those ministers?
Copy !req
639. Uh,
Copy !req
640. not really sure
what to make of it.
Copy !req
641. Ah, yeah.
Copy !req
642. I mean, part of me is psyched
Copy !req
643. that he's helping people, but
Copy !req
644. another part is, I don't know,
Copy !req
645. kind of bummed that I have to
crowbar my way into his life
Copy !req
646. if I want to see him.
Copy !req
647. Oh.
Copy !req
648. This place is decent.
Copy !req
649. I'll call over and
get everything squared away
Copy !req
650. and let you know.
Copy !req
651. - Thanks.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
652. And, hey, if you see Ian,
please...
Copy !req
653. - Yes.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
654. Will do.
Copy !req
655. - Thanks.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
656. The fuck is this, Frank?
Copy !req
657. Son, I don't think
I've articulated
Copy !req
658. how impressed I am
with your recent endeavors.
Copy !req
659. I knew you were talented,
but, uh...
Copy !req
660. "The Church of Gay Jesus."
Is this a jumbo shirt?
Copy !req
661. To reach the masses,
Copy !req
662. you've got to
embrace merchandising
Copy !req
663. to take your brand
to the next level.
Copy !req
664. Uh, how about T-shirts
proudly displaying your message?
Copy !req
665. Well, I-I don't have a church.
Copy !req
666. And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.
Copy !req
667. Tongue in cheek, son.
Copy !req
668. When you repurpose
a-an iconic logo
Copy !req
669. for the-the sake of kitsch,
Copy !req
670. you present an ironic critique
of American consumerism.
Copy !req
671. And if that logo
Copy !req
672. just happens to resemble a...
Copy !req
673. giant, throbbing penis,
Copy !req
674. what could be
more counterculture?
Copy !req
675. It looks like a hot dog.
And the lettering sucks.
Copy !req
676. Revolutions don't come
wrapped in a cute ribbon.
Copy !req
677. You want to bring down
power structures?
Copy !req
678. You want to get
in the face of people
Copy !req
679. who are peddling
corroded ideals?
Copy !req
680. You need a uniform
that screams authenticity.
Copy !req
681. We didn't pay
Chinese factory orphans
Copy !req
682. three cents an hour
to make these.
Copy !req
683. No, this is our living room.
Copy !req
684. Our hands.
Our sweat.
Copy !req
685. Talk about grassroots.
Copy !req
686. I have a meeting tonight at
Trinity and Life Evangelical.
Copy !req
687. You can hawk
your shit there, but
Copy !req
688. everything you make
has to go to Trevor's kids.
Copy !req
689. Oh, come on!
This is my retirement fund.
Copy !req
690. Twenty percent.
Copy !req
691. Thirty?
Copy !req
692. Okay, 95 percent,
and we appreciate your business.
Copy !req
693. And this has been
a rough few years.
Copy !req
694. Needless to say,
it hasn't been that easy
Copy !req
695. being around my dad.
Copy !req
696. But my favorite memory of him
Copy !req
697. is this thing that he would do.
Copy !req
698. So he would be in his office,
Copy !req
699. hunched over paperwork,
and I'd knock.
Copy !req
700. And he'd look up, confused.
Copy !req
701. And then, boom.
Copy !req
702. It's the—the biggest,
warmest smile.
Copy !req
703. That is the version of my dad
that I'm going to remember.
Copy !req
704. And I'm grateful
for every moment
Copy !req
705. that I had with him
Copy !req
706. when he was just him.
Copy !req
707. You hear about these professors
who go the extra mile
Copy !req
708. to help a student.
Copy !req
709. But what Youens did for me
went above and beyond that.
Copy !req
710. Got me my first real job.
Copy !req
711. Listened to me
bitch about my family.
Copy !req
712. He was there for me.
Copy !req
713. He got me internships,
Copy !req
714. wrote dozens of letters
of recommendation,
Copy !req
715. personally called
the dean at Carnegie Mellon
Copy !req
716. to get me into the
robotics doctoral program.
Copy !req
717. Told me once,
he wished he'd been a poet.
Copy !req
718. And he showed me something
he'd written.
Copy !req
719. Said I was the only person
Copy !req
720. he trusted enough to show.
Copy !req
721. That poem was awful.
Copy !req
722. And no matter how busy he was,
Copy !req
723. Youens always
made time to talk to me.
Copy !req
724. He helped me with
whatever I needed,
Copy !req
725. listen, offer advice,
wise counsel.
Copy !req
726. Day or night,
it didn't matter,
Copy !req
727. when you called or
knocked on his door,
Copy !req
728. he always answered.
Copy !req
729. Always.
Copy !req
730. He was like a father to me.
Copy !req
731. I honestly don't know
where I'd be without him today.
Copy !req
732. He invested his
time and energy to make sure
Copy !req
733. I didn't become a total fuck-up.
Copy !req
734. He didn't have to.
Copy !req
735. I'm still not sure why he did.
Copy !req
736. Okay.
My friend found you a place.
Copy !req
737. It's a family shelter.
Copy !req
738. They'll have a room for you
in two days.
Copy !req
739. Girls, we've got
a place to live.
Copy !req
740. They can take us
in two days, you said?
Copy !req
741. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
742. Oh, we've got the tarp
if it rains again.
Copy !req
743. Why don't you just
stay here for two nights?
Copy !req
744. Really?
Copy !req
745. Yeah.
Not a problem.
Copy !req
746. I'll just, uh,
I'll crash at my old place.
Copy !req
747. Oh, my God, Fiona.
Copy !req
748. Thank you.
You're a lifesaver.
Copy !req
749. We should go get a blanket
and a bottle of champagne,
Copy !req
750. go in the park, and lay
in the grass as man and wife,
Copy !req
751. and let the moon and the stars
bless our union.
Copy !req
752. Cute!
Copy !req
753. Now serving: 103.
Copy !req
754. Oh!
Copy !req
755. Yay!
That's us.
Copy !req
756. Okay, come on.
Copy !req
757. All set.
Copy !req
758. Your marriage license is valid
for 60 days in Cook County only.
Copy !req
759. There's a one-day waiting period
Copy !req
760. before the license
becomes effective.
Copy !req
761. Wait.
So we can't get married today?
Copy !req
762. You can get married
at this exact time tomorrow.
Copy !req
763. What the fuck?
This sucks.
Copy !req
764. I look like a fucking
First Lady.
Copy !req
765. Here.
Copy !req
766. Go cross your legs
Copy !req
767. and pretend to be captivated.
Copy !req
768. Smokey to Bobcat.
Copy !req
769. Do you hear me?
Over.
Copy !req
770. What are you guys up to?
Copy !req
771. We're trying to get Svetlana
married off to a rich dude.
Copy !req
772. So...
Copy !req
773. you just gave 'em your place,
just like that?
Copy !req
774. What else was I supposed to do?
Copy !req
775. Man, I was really digging
my quiet mornings
Copy !req
776. away from Gallagher chaos.
Copy !req
777. And it's extra bad right now
Copy !req
778. 'cause of Ian's
gay messiah shit.
Copy !req
779. He should read
Pope Leo the 13th's
Copy !req
780. encyclical on property rights.
Copy !req
781. I'll pass it on.
Copy !req
782. You know, whiskey is actually
Copy !req
783. clear when it
comes off the still.
Copy !req
784. It gets the caramel color
from the barrel—
Copy !req
785. You know, I'm just—
I'm just gonna say this.
Copy !req
786. Sometimes it feels like
Copy !req
787. it doesn't even matter
that I'm sitting here.
Copy !req
788. I know all the places
you've lived.
Copy !req
789. I know all the languages
you speak.
Copy !req
790. I've met your exes,
your baby mamas, your spawn.
Copy !req
791. And yet, you have never asked
one question about me.
Copy !req
792. Did you know that I became
Copy !req
793. legal guardian
of my siblings when I was 23?
Copy !req
794. Or that I dropped out
of high school,
Copy !req
795. but then I went back
and I got my GED?
Copy !req
796. Yes, actually, I did.
Copy !req
797. And I know you did it
to convince your genius brother
Copy !req
798. who's a recovering alcoholic
to stay in college.
Copy !req
799. I know you got left at
the altar by your junkie fiancé
Copy !req
800. with whom you were
very much in love.
Copy !req
801. - How?
- 'Cause I ask around.
Copy !req
802. There's some other stuff I know.
Copy !req
803. You're fiercely protective
of your family.
Copy !req
804. You're generous.
Copy !req
805. Like today, for example,
Copy !req
806. you gave your apartment
to a homeless family.
Copy !req
807. You are so very much yourself.
Copy !req
808. You don't even have to try.
Copy !req
809. And frankly, you scare
the fuckin' shit out of me.
Copy !req
810. It's him.
It's him.
Copy !req
811. Svet, Svet.
Copy !req
812. The buzzard is in the tuba.
The buzzard is in the tuba.
Copy !req
813. - The what?
- I have no idea.
Copy !req
814. I've never done this before.
Copy !req
815. What's she saying?
Copy !req
816. I can't hear anything.
Copy !req
817. I can't hear anything.
We never tested the microphone.
Copy !req
818. All right, well,
she needs to relax.
Copy !req
819. Tell her to lean in a little.
Copy !req
820. Svetlana, lean in a little.
Copy !req
821. Too far.
Too far.
Copy !req
822. Too far.
Too far.
Copy !req
823. Take a sip of your drink.
Copy !req
824. Sip, not gulp.
Copy !req
825. Tell her to-to ask him
about something.
Copy !req
826. All right.
All right.
Copy !req
827. All right, Svet.
Copy !req
828. Ask him about his mother.
Copy !req
829. No, not his mother.
Copy !req
830. Ask him about
his favorite sports teams.
Copy !req
831. Allergies—
what the hell
Copy !req
832. do people talk about on dates?
Copy !req
833. Did she just drop
her earpiece in her drink?
Copy !req
834. Oh, no.
Copy !req
835. She's gonna grab his cock,
isn't she?
Copy !req
836. Mm-hmm.
Called that one.
Copy !req
837. T-shirts!
Copy !req
838. Each garment has been worn
by the man himself.
Copy !req
839. - And blessed!
- T-shirts.
Copy !req
840. $50 suggested donation.
Copy !req
841. The white one?
Okay. Thank you.
Copy !req
842. T-shirts, T-shirts.
Copy !req
843. T-shirts,
get your T-shirts here!
Copy !req
844. Nice turnout.
Copy !req
845. Only half of them are regulars.
Copy !req
846. You did great.
Copy !req
847. I just sat there while
people talked about
Copy !req
848. how horribly
they'd been treated,
Copy !req
849. by family, co-workers...
Copy !req
850. Can you please sign this,
please?
Copy !req
851. - ... strangers.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
852. Sometimes that's all they need.
Copy !req
853. Tomorrow's our weekly service...
Copy !req
854. - Thanks so much.
- ... where we invite speakers
Copy !req
855. to come up
and discuss how to turn
Copy !req
856. personal pain into
positive action.
Copy !req
857. We call it
"A Night of Good Grief."
Copy !req
858. The name is silly,
but the idea isn't.
Copy !req
859. You up for it?
Copy !req
860. Well...
Copy !req
861. I don't... know what to say
that hasn't already been said.
Copy !req
862. You say it again.
Copy !req
863. It can't be said enough,
not until queer kids
Copy !req
864. stop being told there's
something wrong with them.
Copy !req
865. It was so worth it.
Copy !req
866. Fuck!
Copy !req
867. Hey.
Copy !req
868. - Hm?
- Hey.
Copy !req
869. We need to talk.
Copy !req
870. What?
What?
Copy !req
871. You gotta promise
not to freak out.
Copy !req
872. I promise.
Copy !req
873. Okay.
First of all.
Copy !req
874. You're, like, the best thing
that's ever happened to me
Copy !req
875. like, by like a bazillion.
Copy !req
876. But when we were
at the clerk's office,
Copy !req
877. and she said we had to wait...
Copy !req
878. I was relieved.
Copy !req
879. A little.
Copy !req
880. 'Cause I feel like
we rushed into this.
Copy !req
881. And I totally want you
to be my wife,
Copy !req
882. my little sweetie boo.
Copy !req
883. Would you hate me
Copy !req
884. if we stayed engaged
a teeny bit longer?
Copy !req
885. Until we're both
Copy !req
886. no doubt, positively sure
we're ready?
Copy !req
887. I could never hate you.
Copy !req
888. - For real?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
889. And thank you
for being honest with me.
Copy !req
890. That's, like, super important
for a healthy marriage.
Copy !req
891. You are awesome.
Copy !req
892. I love you.
Copy !req
893. Mm, I love you too.
Copy !req
894. Mm.
Copy !req
895. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
896. Okay, now.
Copy !req
897. You're getting pretty good
at that.
Copy !req
898. Fourth time's the charm.
Copy !req
899. Well,
Copy !req
900. two left.
Copy !req
901. Better hope you tire out soon.
Copy !req
902. Do you think
I'm the only person on Earth
Copy !req
903. who doesn't want your babies?
Copy !req
904. I don't want my babies.
Copy !req
905. That's why I keep
letting other people have them.
Copy !req
906. I dig this
candid version of you.
Copy !req
907. Now... ask me something
about myself.
Copy !req
908. What's the one thing
about Fiona Gallagher
Copy !req
909. that might surprise me?
Copy !req
910. That's a tough one.
Copy !req
911. You seem to have me
all figured out.
Copy !req
912. That's my gift.
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913. How about...
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914. I think I might not
want to have kids.
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915. But you're a woman.
How is that possible?
Copy !req
916. Well, my siblings are my kids.
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917. It's Nessa.
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918. Mm-hmm.
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919. I'm supposed to be analyzing
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920. your skills and reporting back.
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921. And how am I doing so far?
Copy !req
922. Overall positive.
Copy !req
923. Happy to give you more data.
Copy !req
924. Hi.
Can I call you back later?
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925. You're fucking kidding me.
Copy !req
926. - Thanks for the heads up.
- Any time.
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927. FYI, they just dragged in two
sleeping bags and a pull-up bar.
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928. Hello?
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929. - ... uh-huh.
- Hi.
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930. Now, everyone,
this is the lady
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931. who has been helping us.
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932. This is, uh, my sister,
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933. my cousin, his wife,
and their son.
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934. What's going on?
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935. They're paying us to crash here
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936. so we'll have some cash
for the shelter.
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937. Oh, fuck!
My chair!
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938. Ooh, sorry about that.
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939. Good thing
it's an old chair, right?
Copy !req
940. Hey.
Sorry about last night.
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941. Something came up last minute,
and I'm trying
Copy !req
942. to juggle everything
but it's snowballing and—
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943. and I—
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944. Hey.
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945. - Yeah.
- It's snowballing.
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946. I had like 40 people show up
to this meeting yesterday.
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947. Yeah, and I had 50 kids show up
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948. to a career symposium
about being a paramedic.
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949. But... I guess since yours
is about God, you win, right?
Copy !req
950. - Hey, hey, Ian.
- One second, guys.
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951. I'm helping people in need,
same as you.
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952. Are you saying it's only cool
when it's your idea?
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953. I don't ask a lot of you.
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954. This was one thing
that was important to me.
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955. You know, maybe
what you're doing is worth
Copy !req
956. pissing off the people
that care about you.
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957. That's fine.
Copy !req
958. But don't insult me
Copy !req
959. by acting like
it's not happening.
Copy !req
960. Hi.
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961. You didn't speak at the service.
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962. Uh, I was gonna, but...
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963. everything I was gonna say
was already said.
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964. Sorry for your loss.
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965. Yeah, I lost him
a long time ago.
Copy !req
966. Still doesn't make it easy.
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967. He was a good dad,
just, um,
Copy !req
968. not to me.
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969. I guess it's easier to be
Copy !req
970. kind to somebody
who looks up to you.
Copy !req
971. Hey, um,
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972. I found this
going through his paperwork.
Copy !req
973. It's a draft
of a recommendation letter.
Copy !req
974. Thought you might want it.
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975. You know, in all of
his years of teaching,
Copy !req
976. I never heard him
talk about a student like that.
Copy !req
977. He says he's amazed
by your mind.
Copy !req
978. You don't want to keep it?
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979. Oh, I think I'm too angry
to keep it.
Copy !req
980. Kass?
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981. Where you at?
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982. Kass!
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983. Oh!
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984. You saved my life!
Copy !req
985. - You really do love me!
- Yeah.
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986. What time is it?
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987. Like 4:00?
Copy !req
988. The County Clerk's office
is open til 5:00.
Copy !req
989. That your new chair?
Copy !req
990. Why's it over here?
Copy !req
991. So that the pile of assholes who
are squatting in my apartment
Copy !req
992. won't destroy it.
Copy !req
993. Who aren't actually assholes.
Copy !req
994. They're just poor and broke
Copy !req
995. and taking advantage of the
situation.
Copy !req
996. Just like I've done
100 times.
Copy !req
997. And they aren't squatting.
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998. I told them
that they could stay there.
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999. Did you just get this pic
from Kassidi?
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1000. Yeah.
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1001. "Birth, marriage, death."
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1002. What the hell is that?
Copy !req
1003. - I think they got hitched.
- What?
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1004. Yeah, I told him not to.
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1005. Not legally, right?
She's, like, 15.
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1006. Hey.
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1007. Can I get a ride
to this church?
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1008. Supposed to speak
at this thing, and I don't know.
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1009. Kinda scared shitless.
I mean...
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1010. I don't do speeches.
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1011. So don't do it.
Copy !req
1012. Sorta feel like I have to.
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1013. Everyone thinks
that I have something to say.
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1014. What if I don't?
Copy !req
1015. When they're gone, they're gone,
folks, so don't miss out.
Copy !req
1016. All profits go to help
gays across the planet.
Copy !req
1017. Can you give me just one second?
Copy !req
1018. Are we really gonna give
all of our money to Ian?
Copy !req
1019. No, of course not.
Copy !req
1020. Thank you so much for waiting.
Gay Jesus loves and blesses you.
Copy !req
1021. Get your T-shirts here!
Don't miss out, folks.
Copy !req
1022. We're runnin' out.
T-shirts.
Copy !req
1023. Oh, shit.
No wonder you're nervous.
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1024. Did you know that all these
people were gonna be here?
Copy !req
1025. - No.
- Hey.
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1026. They all came for you.
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1027. Isn't this amazing?
Copy !req
1028. So I just wanna start out
by saying that I'm no hero.
Copy !req
1029. I'm just a guy
who keeps showing up
Copy !req
1030. to these anti-gay churches
and hearing shit like,
Copy !req
1031. "God created man and woman.
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1032. You either look
like a man or a woman.
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1033. Don't... bring us
any of your other shit."
Copy !req
1034. So they're essentially saying,
Copy !req
1035. "Don't make me work too hard
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1036. to see you on your own terms,"
right?
Copy !req
1037. But we have the God-given right
to be who we are.
Copy !req
1038. Not who others want us to be.
Copy !req
1039. So when they say shit like,
Copy !req
1040. "Don't use fake words
like 'nonbinary'
Copy !req
1041. or 'gender-fluid,'
'cis-whatever,'" it's like...
Copy !req
1042. Those are my terms, bitch.
Copy !req
1043. Mm-hmm, yep.
Copy !req
1044. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1045. Which means we have to be
so big,
Copy !req
1046. so noisy...
Copy !req
1047. that there's nowhere else
to look.
Copy !req
1048. And we do it in God's name
because...
Copy !req
1049. Because God hates haters.
Copy !req
1050. I spotted 12 safety violations.
Copy !req
1051. No wonder they pay
so much.
Copy !req
1052. I think I'm gonna bail.
Copy !req
1053. I gotta stick it out.
I need the cash.
Copy !req
1054. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1055. Hey, could you grab me
a clip light?
Copy !req
1056. Can barely see anything
I'm doing.
Copy !req
1057. Okay.
Copy !req
1058. Debbie!
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1059. Call 911!
Copy !req
1060. Hi.
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1061. This fucking day, man.
Copy !req
1062. Find Svetlana a man?
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1063. No, she grabbed
the guy's cock.
Copy !req
1064. Is that a good thing
or a bad thing?
Copy !req
1065. Not taking her home
to meet Mom.
Copy !req
1066. Where you coming from?
Copy !req
1067. Church.
Copy !req
1068. Ian has a cult.
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1069. - A what?
- Yeah.
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1070. They think he's Gay Jesus.
Copy !req
1071. Looking for Fiona Gallagher.
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1072. That's me.
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1073. You've been served.
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1074. "As a result of
one or more acts
Copy !req
1075. by defendant L. Donner
and defendant F. Gallagher,
Copy !req
1076. plaintiff R. Latham has been
injured,
Copy !req
1077. damaged,
and incapacitated."
Copy !req
1078. Who the fuck is R. Latham?
Copy !req
1079. Rodney.
Copy !req
1080. The dude that
fell off your roof?
Copy !req
1081. He's suing you?
Copy !req
1082. "Plaintiff demands judgment
against defendants
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1083. in the sum of $6 million."
Copy !req
1084. Motherfucker.
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1085. Motherfucker!
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