Shameless 8x1

1. For Chrissake.

2. I don't have time for this, all right?

3. Just run the damn thing so these fuckin' idiots

4. can remember what happened last season.

5. Jesus.

6. The building is a real fixer-upper,

7. but it's got good bones.

8. I'm considering a purchase. Apartment building.

9. It's no crazier than you buying the Laundromat,

10. you know, and you pulled that off.

11. Yeah, it's my second meeting.

12. You really want to stop drinking?

13. - I mean, do you really want to? - Yes.

14. You like bikes?

15. I don't really know much about 'em.

16. Help me, uh, put this wheel on this bike.

17. - I love you. - Then get in the fucking car.

18. It's not— This isn't me anymore.

19. I've been texting you the past couple of days.

20. Where have you been?

21. I was with Mickey. I'm sorry.

22. - You gonna come home? - Why should I?

23. When I could tell DCFS that we have a home

24. and source of income?

25. - "We"? - Neil's great with kids.

26. He'll take care of me, and he'll make sure

27. my baby won't ever get taken away from me.

28. The public school system

29. is being gutted by you sending your kid

30. to this expensive private school.

31. What would you say if I offered Liam

32. a place here at Hopkins Academy?

33. Oh.

34. I want to go to military school.

35. I need some direction.

36. One thing I do know is, I can take a punch

37. and hit harder back.

38. Hopefully I can put that to some use.

39. So you want to be a welder?

40. I can apprentice with someone

41. while I'm still in school,

42. get certified in under two years,

43. and make up to 20 bucks an hour to start.

44. I am new owner of Alibi.

45. She told us we were signing adoption forms,

46. but really it was papers making her

47. the owner of the Alibi.

48. You are big lovable papa, but you are stupid manager.

49. I let Svetlana take my—

50. Don't you even think of saying her name.

51. I let that backstabbing cunt take my balls.

52. I'm gonna support this family,

53. and I'm gonna get my balls back.

54. Come on.

55. Come on, open your eyes. Come on!

56. I know you didn't think much of her,

57. but she loved you.

58. Holy shit.

59. Frank found seven pounds of meth

60. that Monica had, and now he wants to sell it.

61. Give me liberty, or give me meth!

62. Fuck you, Mom.

63. No.

64. "No" what?

65. - Fuck am I doing? - Wait.

66. Your profile made it seem like you'd be down for this.

67. I'm sorry, I just...

68. I just—I really...

69. I can't do this anymore.

70. Uh... we got kind of far along here.

71. You think you could put your mouth on it or something?

72. Here.

73. Knock yourself out.

74. Jesus.

75. What the hell time is it?

76. Oh five thirty.

77. Uh, you gotta use that alarm?

78. Staying on military time.

79. Can't get soft over the summer.

80. - Hey. - Hey.

81. Early bird catches the worm?

82. Carl.

83. Oh, God, that bugle alarm again?

84. Yep.

85. You just getting home, alley cat?

86. Yeah, but I'm turning over a new leaf.

87. Yeah, what leaf is that?

88. No more sex with anonymous men

89. chosen for their abdominal fitness.

90. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

91. Closing my Tinder account.

92. I'm done with meaningless sexual gratification.

93. I want... connection,

94. conversation, shared interests.

95. That's good for you.

96. Where you going?

97. I woke up feeling like a drink,

98. so I decided I'd run to work instead.

99. Gotta be at least five miles.

100. It's actually closer to seven. Hope you're hungry.

101. Sergeant York is in there cooking breakfast again.

102. Discipline. Commitment.

103. In bed. Lights out at 2100.

104. Up at 0530.

105. In the field at 0630.

106. The warrior way.

107. Is that grits?

108. And eggs, flapjacks,

109. sausage and biscuits,

110. and breakfast meats.

111. Whoa.

112. Gotta stay strong to man the gates.

113. Preserve America for all those fat-ass coastal elites

114. taking our liberties for granted.

115. What gates?

116. The gates that protect us from tyranny and oppression.

117. How are you gonna eat all that?

118. I gotta stay combat ready for the fall.

119. I'm a cadet corporal now.

120. Corporals deal with hell week.

121. Oh, I can't wait to torture

122. those little seventh grade fuckers.

123. Espresso?

124. You buy that with some of your Monica meth money?

125. - Yeah. - Then no.

126. - You sell my meth yet? - Moved Debbie's yesterday.

127. Next, Lip's. Then yours.

128. - Jesus. - Hey, I can't move it

129. all at once—could attract cartel attention.

130. - Mm-hmm. - What happened to ramrod-ready

131. American patriot Corporal Carl?

132. The most American thing is the pursuit

133. of free enterprise, Fiona.

134. - Where's my meth? - You don't get any.

135. And your brothers shouldn't have taken any either.

136. Okay, well, I guess you won't want to be

137. luxuriating in my AquaRest Bubble Master

138. later today, then.

139. Your what?

140. Carl bought a hot tub with his Monica money.

141. Sixteen jets and a waterfall.

142. Gets delivered this morning.

143. Do I have to go to all those birthday parties tomorrow?

144. - How many'd you get invited to? - Four.

145. Oh, they gonna have goodie bags like the parties last weekend?

146. Those Avengers DVD sets were pretty cool.

147. Mm, and the GameStop gift cards.

148. Oh, yeah.

149. Oh, hey, go get dressed, Liam, okay?

150. It's almost time for school.

151. Gotta raise the colors.

152. We have colors?

153. - He put up a flagpole. - What?

154. Just one left, my love.

155. One rock.

156. And then I must...

157. return to life.

158. Here's looking at you, kid.

159. Morning, Berta. How was your night?

160. Shitty.

161. Drunk asshole showed up around three.

162. His credit card was declined. He didn't have any cash.

163. Jesus, you let him out?

164. No, I told him to walk his drunk ass

165. to an ATM and get some cash.

166. And then he went all mental on me

167. and rammed the gate,

168. tried to beat me with the broken arm.

169. - What'd you do? - Pepper-sprayed him.

170. Called the damn cops.

171. Hope you have a better day, Berta.

172. Oh, you bet I will.

173. Don't get stuck in this job, kid.

174. It'll suck your soul dry.

175. - You like going to school here? - It's okay.

176. - I'm not in class much. - Really? How come?

177. I'm on the playground a lot.

178. Why?

179. Mm, don't know.

180. Good morning, Liam.

181. Bye.

182. Love you.

183. We strongly discourage parents from allowing children to ride

184. in the front seat.

185. It's not safe.

186. Middle of the back, okay?

187. Oh, sure, I—

188. Hey, I need a new filter for the 48.

189. Thanks.

190. So wait, is that your Sportster 883

191. parked out front?

192. Th-that's a SuperLow, right?

193. I wouldn't.

194. Wouldn't what?

195. Eddie.

196. She took on a bouncer at the Three Aces.

197. - That big Samoan fucker? - Yeah, yeah.

198. Ended up in the hospital a couple weeks.

199. No shit, that Samoan could do some serious damage.

200. No, knucklehead, Eddie fucked up the bouncer.

201. You run to work again?

202. Rough night?

203. It was average.

204. Got you something.

205. Here.

206. Oh, fidget spinner?

207. Use it when you feel like a drink.

208. Uh, takes your mind off it.

209. I always feel like a drink.

210. It's gonna get a lot of use, then.

211. - Enjoy. - Thanks.

212. - So no more Tinder? - Nope, V, I'm done with it.

213. No more pointless sex bent over a dirty sink

214. in a club bathroom

215. or scraping my ass on a rusty alley dumpster

216. with my underwear pushed down around my ankles.

217. Eat your quinoa.

218. A few weeks ago, I had this joker.

219. He comes, and then he bursts out crying.

220. Turns out his wife had just dumped him.

221. I was stuck there for, like, an hour

222. consoling him, when all I really wanted

223. was to go home to my own bed.

224. You could have just left.

225. What kind of person would I be

226. if I just left him there like that?

227. The kind of person who uses Tinder

228. to intentionally avoid intimacy on an almost daily basis.

229. It's not daily.

230. I just— I-I can't be that person

231. who wakes up in the wet spot of some guy whose name

232. I can't even remember's bed again.

233. I would kill for a wet spot.

234. With Kev on nights and me on days,

235. we barely see each other,

236. much less make a mess in the sheets.

237. What if I run over Svetlana with Kevin's truck?

238. It'd be vehicular manslaughter, right?

239. I'd get, what, eight years?

240. Probably do four. I could do four years.

241. It's enough already

242. with the "killing Svetlana" fantasies.

243. Tragic bathroom slip and fall?

244. I hide in the shower,

245. hit her on the top of the head with the toilet lid.

246. Make it look like an accident.

247. Hi! Welcome to Patsy's.

248. Veronica still figuring out ways to go postal on Svetlana?

249. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

250. Maybe you and I just ambush the Russki bitch.

251. A couple quick hammer hits to the head.

252. I'm in.

253. Hey, you want to swing by the youth center

254. on the way back to the station,

255. see if anybody needs anything?

256. "Anybody"?

257. He doesn't want you.

258. He's made that pretty damn clear.

259. You ran off with an ex-boyfriend.

260. You disappear for days.

261. You're banging like bunnies.

262. I wouldn't want you back either.

263. You're an asshole.

264. It's not about seeing Trevor.

265. The shelter kids don't have access to health care.

266. All right, Mother Teresa.

267. We can go hang at the shelter until we get a call.

268. But don't kid yourself about Trevor.

269. You fucked that pooch, and good.

270. So you the new slumlord?

271. Uh, new owner, yeah.

272. Nessa Chabon. 2C.

273. Hi. Fiona Gallagher.

274. If you're here to meet the gas company,

275. he's been and gone.

276. - Oh, shit. - Nah. I let him in.

277. He checked the meter and split.

278. Oh. Thanks.

279. You're welcome.

280. I do a lot of things around the building.

281. Lightbulbs, clogged toilets,

282. leaky faucets, stuff like that.

283. The previous owner didn't do shit.

284. Are you a... handyman?

285. Handy, but not a man.

286. Nah, I'm an accountant.

287. United Airlines.

288. What about you? Where are you from?

289. Humboldt Park? Bucktown?

290. Making a small real estate play to jazz up your 401?

291. Hardly.

292. I'm South Side, through and through.

293. - You? - Immigrant

294. from distant shores— Oak Brook.

295. That's nice.

296. What brings you down here

297. to live among the great unwashed?

298. I'm a pilgrim

299. escaping gender persecution.

300. Local country club ladies weren't too pleased

301. with my choice of dance partners.

302. So have you met any of the other tenants yet?

303. No.

304. Well, the old lady with cancer

305. and cats has been living in 1C

306. since the South seceded from the Union.

307. Vet with PTSD in 2D always has really good weed.

308. And the junkie couple in 1D fight a lot

309. and occasionally set shit on fire.

310. And the woman with the couple dozen kids

311. from a couple dozen different dads in 1A.

312. The kids are a terror.

313. Think it's too late to ask the bank for my deposit back?

314. So are you gonna move in here yourself

315. or rent this one out?

316. Gonna rent it.

317. How much?

318. Not sure. Area's up and comin'.

319. Urban homesteaders and all that.

320. Yeah. Lincoln Square lumberjacks are definitely migrating south.

321. I'm not— I'm not gay.

322. Oh, cool, I'm not looking.

323. And you're not my type anyway.

324. - What's your type? - Blonde and bitchy.

325. I'm a masochist— not physical pain,

326. but emotional turmoil is my thing.

327. Jesus, Nessa.

328. What the hell is taking so long?

329. We were supposed to be there, like, ten minutes ago.

330. Mel, our new landlady, Fiona.

331. Fiona's an endangered species.

332. Genuine South Side.

333. Come on. We're late.

334. Nessa, now!

335. Blonde and bitchy, what can I say?

336. Borrow Liam? Only be a minute.

337. All right, go play.

338. Right up front.

339. - They're kindergartners. - Go.

340. Racial, economic, and cultural diversity

341. is one of the hallmarks of a Hopkins Academy education.

342. If you choose to entrust us with your child,

343. they will be in a school community committed

344. to nurturing loving, responsible,

345. and healthy children

346. in a diverse academic environment.

347. Good morning, Liam.

348. Three for you.

349. Hey, Susie.

350. All right, how many you want, Jamie?

351. Ten.

352. Well, you can have as many as you want,

353. as long as you aren't back working that corner.

354. - Nah, I got a new boyfriend. - Oh.

355. Hey.

356. Maybe I should take 20.

357. Hey, don't get greedy, all right?

358. Hey.

359. Hey!

360. The city giving you free condoms to distribute now?

361. No, he buys them himself.

362. He's gonna go broke trying to sheathe

363. South Side Chicago's teenage libido

364. in lubricated latex.

365. No, I shoplift them mostly.

366. No, he doesn't.

367. Hey, I'm heading to happy hour at Jeffrey's after work.

368. You busy?

369. I have a date.

370. Bring him.

371. I can't. It's drinks and a movie.

372. Oh.

373. Cool, uh, what are you gonna see?

374. Don't know yet.

375. Lots of good movies out now.

376. Seventy-six. Auto versus auto.

377. Possible injuries. Eighty-sixth and Cermak.

378. All right. Let's go, cowboy. That's us.

379. Gotta go.

380. "Lots of good movies out there now"?

381. - That was goddamn lame. - Shut it.

382. You were tapping that and you let it go?

383. It got complicated.

384. Why? Because he fucked an old boyfriend?

385. Grow up, dude.

386. Hello, sir. May I have your ticket?

387. Uh, I lost it, but I've only been here a couple minutes.

388. Lost ticket pays full price, sir.

389. $24, please.

390. I'm not giving you $24.

391. We take Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.

392. I came in ten minutes ago, right there beside you.

393. - You didn't see me? - No, sir.

394. My job requires that I focus on the exiting vehicles.

395. Have you tried retracing your steps,

396. see if you can find where you may have lost your ticket?

397. I'm not retracing anything, bitch.

398. Take the goddamn money.

399. Please watch your language, sir.

400. My language?

401. You want me to get out of this truck

402. and fuck you up?

403. No, sir. I don't.

404. Because if you were to get out of your truck,

405. I would have to Tase you

406. and then superglue your mouth and eyelids shut

407. until the police arrive.

408. Now, will that be cash or credit, sir?

409. Liam.

410. Go ahead.

411. Diversity is central to our mission

412. of pursuing academic excellence

413. alongside a commitment to nurturing

414. loving, responsible, and healthy children

415. in a diverse academic environment.

416. Good morning, Liam.

417. Namaste, namaste, namaste!

418. Where the hell have you been?

419. In mourning and meditation after the death of your mother.

420. Acceptance, resurrection,

421. enlightenment.

422. And...

423. we have to deny the existence of a permanent entity

424. that remains constant behind the changing

425. corporeal or incorporeal components of a living being.

426. All things are in a constant state of flux.

427. All is changing,

428. and no permanent state exists by itself.

429. Your mother— Holy Buddha rest her soul—

430. stole my chakra when I was 20 years old,

431. and she kept it until her death,

432. and now she's gone.

433. And I'm free.

434. Can I use the shower?

435. Or-or—but— unless you were planning

436. to take a shower soon.

437. No. Uh, I'm good.

438. Want me to sell any of that meth?

439. Soon as I sell Ian's, I could find a buyer for yours.

440. No need. I smoked it.

441. An entire pound?

442. What?

443. No, like, half.

444. I gave the rest away to the needy.

445. Damn.

446. Nasty side effects, though.

447. My Bubble Master.

448. It's beautiful.

449. You used your mother's inheritance to buy that?

450. Yeah.

451. She'd love it, son.

452. Eight blocks north, up by the park.

453. One-bedrooms are going for a thousand.

454. Eight blocks north up by the park

455. has an El stop, a Starbucks,

456. and they're building a Whole Foods.

457. Hey, Sierra.

458. Can you take the girls out back

459. and get some chili cheese nachos,

460. extra cheese,

461. and some Mountain Dew, but no refills?

462. So I just walked by the Alibi...

463. Mm-hmm.

464. And it's not called the Alibi anymore.

465. - What? - Putin's Paradise.

466. Bunch of Russian flags out front,

467. and it was crowded— I peeked.

468. That bitch is gettin' rich

469. and we can barely put food on the table?

470. We have to go back to the lawyer.

471. Oh, V, the lawyer said

472. there's nothing they can do for us.

473. Then we have to find new lawyers.

474. Svetlana's Russian.

475. Russians always win.

476. That's not true. Miracle on Ice?

477. Well, they usually win,

478. what with the winners in the KGB

479. and them pumping their athletes full of so much steroids

480. that their women grow beards and their testicles drop.

481. You think I could ask for 900?

482. - No. - For what?

483. One-bedroom apartment.

484. From that dump you just bought?

485. - No. Five hundred, tops. - Five hundred?

486. Jesus.

487. - All right, I gotta go to work. - No BJs, Kev.

488. Feeling up only, and nothing below the waist.

489. V, we could really use the money.

490. No.

491. Five hundred? Really?

492. Kev doesn't know what he's talking about.

493. Kevin never knows what he's talking about.

494. You can do it for at least 6.

495. Six...

496. Borrow Liam.

497. - Hey, guys. - Hi.

498. Usual? Coffee and a slice of every pie we've got?

499. And a couple rice puddings.

500. What kind of Jell-O you got today?

501. Strawberry and lime.

502. Two of each. Extra whipped cream.

503. Okay.

504. No.

505. "No" what?

506. You just got sober.

507. Yeah, well, we're friends.

508. I call bullshit.

509. No new relationships.

510. Yeah, it's not new.

511. She broke up with you because of your drinking.

512. If you really think she's the one,

513. just tell her you need six months to work the steps.

514. All right, six months, huh?

515. Tell her that if you don't work the steps,

516. you're gonna fuck it up and drink

517. next time you guys are in a fight.

518. I'm gonna ask for 850.

519. I can always go lower later.

520. Oh, shit.

521. ICE!

522. ICE! This is not a drill!

523. ICE! ICE! ICE!

524. Hi! Can I help you?

525. U.S. Custom and Immigration Services.

526. - Everyone freeze. - Hey! Hey!

527. All right. V, you're on the register.

528. Lip, Sierra, looks like we're cooking.

529. - I'd like to apologize, son. - For what?

530. For whatever I've done to you that I can't remember.

531. What do you remember?

532. Um, honestly, not much.

533. I'm making amends to all the people I've harmed

534. the three decades your mother had me

535. under her intoxicating spell.

536. So is there anything that you can think of

537. that I should apologize to you for?

538. Kind of a long list.

539. Well, let me just apologize...

540. for all of it, huh?

541. I'm sorry, son.

542. Thank you. Okay.

543. I'm off to find others in need of my amends.

544. I made a list.

545. That's it?

546. No, it's just the beginning.

547. Once I begin making amends for the things I do remember,

548. it'll jog my memory for all the rest.

549. Jesus, thank God.

550. What the hell happened in here?

551. Half-price drinks to anybody who can order in Russian.

552. It took me a week to learn pivo pozhaluysta,

553. and I still think I'm saying it wrong.

554. She only plays Red Army parades on the TV.

555. Won't even change it for the Sox games.

556. So...

557. you come back.

558. - It's about time. - We need to talk.

559. No shit.

560. I want you to do the right thing.

561. - Which is what? - Give us our bar back.

562. - We'll be thruple again? - Hell no.

563. Then no.

564. You and big, handsome Kevin husband

565. are stupid people.

566. You need caring for like babies.

567. We trusted you, and you lied to us.

568. You would have lost the bar.

569. You would have lost everything.

570. You didn't pay taxes for two years.

571. I stayed up all night doing books while you two sleep.

572. You should be in here thanking me

573. instead of whining like little baby.

574. You want to go back to old way, fine.

575. Otherwise, get your chorny ass out of my bar.

576. Should we try to stop them?

577. Not until some clothes come off.

578. Hi, uh, I-I'm Frank Gallagher.

579. I'm here to make amends.

580. In 1995, I think I broke into your house

581. and-and-and stole your TV.

582. I didn't live here in 1995.

583. - Really? - No.

584. Uh...

585. Could've been, uh, '96?

586. Did anyone ever try to rob you?

587. Woke up to a guy trying to climb in bed with me once.

588. No. That wasn't me.

589. Wait, did you used to be a redhead?

590. Hi.

591. Davita was late, and I couldn't leave until she showed.

592. Something about her bunions.

593. And now I'm gonna be late for school.

594. Suppose I could get something to eat at school.

595. They have burritos in the vending machine.

596. Tuna fish too, but I don't know.

597. Tuna from a vending machine?

598. How do you know how long it's been in there for?

599. I made rice and chicken for Franny.

600. It's in a Tupperware on the bottom shelf.

601. And, Neil, don't forget to cut up her chicken into tiny bites

602. so she doesn't choke on her food.

603. Oh, and, uh, Neil, Franny needs a bath.

604. And I'm going for drinks with friends from school

605. after class.

606. Here.

607. Here you go, and try to get Franny into bed

608. no later than 7:30, okay?

609. Seven thirty, Neil.

610. Oh, and don't let Franny fall asleep

611. with her pacifier in her mouth.

612. It's bad for her teeth.

613. Bye.

614. Aldo.

615. Been a while. I'm here to make amends.

616. Uh, January 1989.

617. You and I were under the freight tracks.

618. Jesus, Frank, '89?

619. We'll be here till Christmas.

620. Get to the more recent shit.

621. Really?

622. How about the shit

623. the statute of limitations hasn't run out on yet?

624. How long is that?

625. Seven years for everything except murder and kidnapping.

626. All right, um...

627. November 2010.

628. We were at 63rd Street Beach doing glue.

629. Mad Dog and you had blacked out.

630. I had shit my pants,

631. so I stole yours.

632. - That was you? - Yeah.

633. You're a fucking asshole.

634. Don't I know it.

635. Uh, January 2011.

636. Remember that little dog you used to have?

637. Debbie.

638. Remember, watch your bevel, and be careful about the width.

639. And maintain control of your rod.

640. Okay. Sure. Thanks.

641. - Never gonna happen. - What?

642. His rod.

643. A girl can dream, right?

644. So I got my Monica inheritance money.

645. Can you borrow your brother's truck tomorrow?

646. You really want to do that?

647. Absolutely.

648. It's time for me to stop focusing

649. on what others did to me in the past.

650. My mom. Frank. My asshole baby daddy, Derek.

651. I am woman, and I am strong.

652. I'm leaning in, Farhad. I'm leaning in.

653. I can pay it all by the 15th.

654. No, I can't do it all right now.

655. Uh...

656. how about 50?

657. Sure. No problem.

658. Thanks.

659. Shit.

660. The phone company?

661. Electric.

662. Order up!

663. Hey, Tanya.

664. Seriously?

665. No, if you can't, you can't.

666. I'm not mad. Thanks.

667. Jesus. What is with this day?

668. Is Tanya all right?

669. She was supposed to sit for Lucas tomorrow night,

670. but they changed her shift at Popeyes.

671. Ah.

672. I could babysit.

673. I mean, I haven't seen Lucas in forever, so...

674. I don't think that's a good idea.

675. Oh, come on.

676. Order pizza.

677. Kick his ass in Mario Kart.

678. I need a sitter tomorrow night because I have a date.

679. I figured.

680. With Charlie.

681. Sorry, I-I thought you'd given up on Charlie.

682. He's back in NA,

683. trying to get himself straight again.

684. He's Lucas' father, so I figure I have to give him

685. a second chance.

686. Yeah, that's good.

687. Oh, I still want to babysit.

688. Uh, you know, I-I miss Lucas.

689. You know, and, uh...

690. I'm cheap.

691. Yeah? How cheap?

692. Like, absolutely free kinda cheap.

693. Maybe.

694. Bullshit. Thirty-six eighteen an hour?

695. Overtime, medical, pension.

696. Pension we're never going to see.

697. We might. We might.

698. The company bellied up. They're not paying us shit.

699. What'd you used to do?

700. Pressman. Union work.

701. Newspapers.

702. People used to read 'em before you were born.

703. I know what a newspaper is.

704. Was.

705. You ever bought one?

706. No.

707. Exactly.

708. What are you training to be now?

709. He's home health care,

710. and I'm air-conditioning and heating repair.

711. Them bastards will probably figure out a way

712. to outsource wiping wrinkly elderly butt to Mexico too.

713. They already have.

714. It's called illegal immigration.

715. You have beautiful hair.

716. Thanks.

717. Duran. Beauty school.

718. Do you dye it to get it that color?

719. Uh, no. It's all me.

720. Can I— can I cut off a sample?

721. - I'd love to try and match it. - Mm-mm.

722. Don't let him near your hair with a pair of scissors, honey.

723. This man's a menace.

724. Dental hygienists are back at it.

725. Do they all smoke?

726. They're trying to get their teeth really yellow

727. so they can practice whitening them in class.

728. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.

729. Uber!

730. Uber!

731. You motherfuckers! Fuck you!

732. Farhad and Wendell were taxi drivers.

733. Uber wiped them out.

734. - You want a beer? - Um...

735. Believe me, sweetie,

736. nobody in this rat hole gives a shit.

737. - Oh. Sure, thanks. - Here's to second careers.

738. To second careers!

739. Or third.

740. Yo.

741. What up? Hop in.

742. - It's nice, huh? - Yeah.

743. Got your Monica Franklins.

744. - Any trouble? - No, my guys are chill.

745. Hey. Don't worry, you're next.

746. Yo. Liam.

747. - How was school today? - Okay.

748. Some cracker told me my life matters.

749. Whoa!

750. It came out great, Carl!

751. Where the hell have you been?

752. Smoked up all my meth,

753. got over your mother, and now I'm a new man.

754. I'm making amends to those people I've hurt.

755. Can I make amends to you guys tomorrow?

756. - Uh... - Yeah, that's fine.

757. Fuckin' whatever.

758. May I?

759. Sure.

760. All right, gold lamé doesn't come off.

761. You can get your face near it, but I'm not gonna get hard

762. no matter how much you blow on it.

763. Yeah, you can smell it if you want.

764. You only have 45 seconds left in the song,

765. so use it wisely.

766. When's the last time you did a self-exam?

767. A what?

768. You have a lump.

769. - I do? - It's not my area of expertise.

770. I'm a cardiologist.

771. But I can refer you to an excellent oncologist.

772. Okay.

773. I gotta go meet potential renters at my building

774. this morning, but I'm gonna be back in time

775. to take you to your birthday parties, okay?

776. Well, uh,

777. wish me luck, my family.

778. I'm off to deliver more amends.

779. My beautiful daughter Fiona.

780. For whatever I've done to harm you all these years,

781. I am truly sorry.

782. I fell in love with your mother when I was 20 years old,

783. and off we went, down Alice's famed rabbit hole,

784. but now I am released,

785. emotionally stunted, but still a young man,

786. in many ways.

787. Twenty-one at most.

788. My whole young life,

789. spread out in front of me.

790. So I am off to learn how to try to be a grown-up.

791. He smoked half a pound of meth.

792. Could be major brain damage.

793. Too early to tell.

794. Hi, how you doing?

795. I'd like to pay an overdue bill.

796. Account number?

797. Uh, no, but I have a name and address.

798. You gonna keep it a secret?

799. Oh, sorry. It's, uh, Sierra Morton.

800. It's, uh, 5879 West 68th.

801. Apartment six.

802. If you're hoping for renters to show up,

803. you're gonna have to do more than just put up a sign.

804. Oh, I put it online.

805. A few people called already.

806. How much are you asking?

807. Eight fifty.

808. That's a bit pricey for this neighborhood.

809. If I don't get a taker, I can always lower it,

810. but at 850, I'll have a few bucks left over

811. to put back into the building.

812. - Hi! - Hello.

813. Welcome. Come on in. Have a look around.

814. I'm here if you have any questions.

815. Thank you.

816. Paint's new. And the fridge.

817. Laundry?

818. In the basement. It's coin-op.

819. - Hi, welcome. - Hey, what's up?

820. Uh, there's, uh, alternate side parking on the street,

821. and there's a space out back that comes with the apartment.

822. I only have my bike.

823. So 850?

824. Yep. Plus first, last,

825. and a one-month security deposit.

826. What are you thinking?

827. I like it.

828. Okay. We'll take it.

829. Really?

830. Great!

831. Eight seventy-five.

832. Nine hundred.

833. Nine fifty.

834. Uh...

835. You paid her electric bill?

836. Gonna pay me back when she can.

837. You're spending your mom's dirty meth money

838. on your ex-girlfriend who doesn't want you anymore.

839. And now you want to go over there

840. and babysit her kid.

841. His name's Lucas.

842. I don't know. We're buddies.

843. You're just praying that she comes back

844. from her date horny and you can be there to step in.

845. Go ahead. Deny it.

846. You can't.

847. Your girl's on the phone again.

848. Needs you to run to the CVS

849. for more Preparation H.

850. Christ.

851. This bed rest shit is running me fucking ragged.

852. Damn baby can't come soon enough.

853. - Hi. - Fuck off, runt.

854. shouting in Mandarin

855. Sir, yelling isn't gonna solve anything.

856. We are authorized officers

857. from the Department of Homeland Security,

858. here on behalf of the chief executive

859. of these United States.

860. You in charge here?

861. Yes, ma'am.

862. I have a load of illegals I need rounded up.

863. - Oh, yeah? Who? - Bunch of Russians.

864. Russians aren't really a priority, ma'am.

865. Why the hell not?

866. You really have to ask that?

867. They're involved in human trafficking

868. and prostitution.

869. You sure?

870. Load 'em up quick, boys!

871. We got Russian prostitutes.

872. Kevin Ball?

873. - Nice hot tub. - It's my brother's.

874. What's all that shit?

875. My welding gear.

876. Is that what you spent your Monica money on?

877. Yep.

878. What the hell is it for?

879. The future.

880. Immigration! Nobody move!

881. What the hell is going on?

882. That's her. She's the leader.

883. You don't give up easy, do you?

884. Patience is a virtue.

885. You try buying him something nice?

886. Like what?

887. A car or something?

888. A car?

889. Might do it.

890. Huh.

891. Let's go.

892. You're getting quite a fan club.

893. What can I say? I'm irresistible.

894. Hmm.

895. No.

896. "No," I'm not irresistible?

897. Uh, no, I'm not going to do whatever it is

898. you're about to ask me to do.

899. - Take you out for a drink? - No.

900. - What if I throw in a car? - What?

901. Jamie thinks I should buy you a car.

902. Wh-what kind of car?

903. Probably have to be used.

904. Mm.

905. I really am sorry.

906. How-how are you doing?

907. Okay.

908. Your mom?

909. I miss her.

910. It's weird, huh?

911. Never around when she was alive,

912. and I never thought about her, and...

913. now she's gone, and I think about her all the time.

914. Come on.

915. One drink. Hmm?

916. I... I gotta go.

917. I'm coming back tomorrow.

918. There is a four-centimeter mass in your right breast.

919. We need to do a biopsy immediately.

920. I should have called an ambulance, Dave.

921. I know that now.

922. Honestly...

923. I thought you were just floating.

924. Holy shit.

925. Jackson?

926. Well...

927. two birds with one stone.

928. Um...

929. Hey, Jacks.

930. Wow.

931. When you're right, you're right.

932. I should've let you drive.

933. Fuck.

934. Hey.

935. When did he fall asleep?

936. Uh, maybe half an hour ago.

937. How was your dinner?

938. It was fine.

939. I was about to carry him into bed,

940. you know, if you want to relax or whatever.

941. No. No, thanks.

942. No, really, I mean, I probably should've

943. taken him to bed a while ago, so...

944. Hey.

945. Hey.

946. I found a spot for your car.

947. Around the corner.

948. Is that cool?

949. Yeah.

950. Uh, I should get going.

951. There's, uh, leftover pizza in the refrigerator.

952. - Thanks for watching Lucas. - Yeah, it's no problem.

953. - Can I pay you something? - No. No, it's fine.

954. - Really, I should do— - Honest, no, it's fine.

955. Night.

956. A thousand bucks?

957. Don't go thinking you can raise our rent, now.

958. You have a lease.

959. For another six months.

960. We negotiating already?

961. - Hell yes. - Hmm.

962. And I always win.

963. I do not doubt it.

964. You got a great job.

965. Why did you never buy this place?

966. It's a shithole.

967. Oh, jeez.

968. That guy from the other night,

969. he sent me a dick pic.

970. Oh, my gosh, that is so nasty!

971. You actually let those things near you? Ugh.

972. Well, they look a little better when you're drunk.

973. I've never been that drunk.

974. - What? Never? - Nope.

975. Never.

976. Jesus, Nessa,

977. are you planning on coming to bed,

978. or are you gonna sit out there

979. hitting on our landlady all night?

980. My Juliet beckons.

981. Nessa, now.

982. I'm coming!

983. I'm coming, for Chrissakes.

984. Hi.

985. Um...

986. What's this?

987. I'm paying you back, you know, for the rehab.

988. It's 9,000 there. I don't have it all,

989. but I can get you something every week

990. now that I'm working.

991. You don't have to pay me back.

992. I want to.

993. Thanks for the rehab.

994. America first, motherfuckers.