Shameless 6x5

1. You missed another episode of Shameless, and now we got

2. to take valuable time out of our show to tell you what the hell

3. you missed 'cause you were too damn lazy to get up off

4. your fat asses and watch the damn TV?

5. We're both consenting adults.

6. Separated by two decades, a husband, and tenure.

7. What the fuck was that for?

8. Making me fall in love with you.

9. - Hi, Aunt Fiona. - Holy shit.

10. I forgot about the swastika.

11. - Hey, what's your name again? - Ian.

12. When Caleb's not here, he's in his sculpture studio.

13. You ever let anyone visit your studio?

14. I would if anyone cared.

15. Frank Gallagher, cancer concierge.

16. You got help with the kids?

17. I have a lead on potential employment for you.

18. You're setting me up with a dying woman's husband?

19. He'll need a shoulder to lean on

20. and then to sleep on.

21. I'm leaving.

22. Hi. Sorry I'm late.

23. Yanis, what are you doing?

24. Hey, put that down so we can work on

25. our extra strong friendship!

26. Holy shit!

27. Eviction notice? Are you kidding me?

28. The house is being sold at auction.

29. I do have some savings I could kick in.

30. No, no, no. It's a Gallagher thing.

31. You lose the house, it's gonna be somebody else's thing.

32. - Hurry up. - We're gonna lose it.

33. $130,000 right here. What do you think?

34. - Last call. - We're out.

35. Sold. You got her.

36. $130,000. Thank you.

37. It's our crib.

38. - Not anymore. - Who says?

39. State of Illinois.

40. They can't just take it from us.

41. I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.

42. Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.

43. Yeah, and the second.

44. Oh, and the fifth.

45. That table is where Liam was born.

46. There's nothing we can do.

47. Can you keep it down in there?

48. Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves.

49. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.

50. You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?

51. Scorched earth.

52. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow

53. their conquerors the satisfaction.

54. Of taking a dump?

55. Copper's two bucks a pound.

56. Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy.

57. We need a place to live.

58. Let's see them try to get Nick and I out.

59. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.

60. Carl.

61. Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades.

62. Think you can pull a pin and throw it?

63. Strap Chuckie up with some explosives

64. and throw him off the roof.

65. Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult.

66. That's big boy prison.

67. Look, the house is gone.

68. It's over.

69. We need to move on.

70. This is all cause of the mud people.

71. What the fuck?

72. That's what my friends in juvie said.

73. What? What did I say?

74. Chuckie, if you want to stay alive,

75. shut up and go to school.

76. Where's Lip at?

77. He'd back me up on this.

78. I told him we didn't need him.

79. He needs to focus on school.

80. That's too much?

81. No. Don't you dare stop.

82. Oh, my God.

83. George, Betsy, let's go!

84. I got 600 bags of fiberglass coming today.

85. Hold on, I got another call.

86. Hey, Mark, I'll be on site as soon as I can.

87. Are you fricking kidding me?

88. Oh, no, no, no. I got it.

89. Jam or honey?

90. - Jam, thank you. - Of course.

91. You got to eat before you go to the hospital.

92. Uh, sandwiches, chips, and carrots,

93. and Betsy, I put your cleats in your backpack for soccer.

94. Hold on, let me check the budget.

95. Okay.

96. There's too many people in this house.

97. No, we can't afford two more laborers.

98. Come on. Bus isn't gonna wait.

99. - All right, bye. - Kisses.

100. Hey, no fights today, Georgie.

101. Hey, come here, little one.

102. Bye, babies.

103. Hey, I'm serious, buddy.

104. Isn't Debbie great with the kids?

105. We don't need the teen mom every morning.

106. She's 18.

107. And it's only a couple hours.

108. Um, I'll start cleaning up the dishes,

109. and Betsy's sheets need washing.

110. She wet the bed again?

111. I'll start the laundry.

112. Don't you have school or something?

113. Uh, not for a while, so if you need any help,

114. I'm available, Mr. Wexler.

115. You're a nice girl, but keep your resume handy.

116. This isn't gonna be a long-term gig.

117. Of course.

118. Oh, no!

119. I got to go.

120. Well, looks like an earthquake hit.

121. Hope we didn't tip off the neighbors.

122. Don't be late for class.

123. You know, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to remember

124. where the room is after so many blows to my skull.

125. You put "Atlas Shrugged" on the top shelf?

126. Hardcover?

127. Aww, did Ayn Rand hurt your poor little skull?

128. You know, I'm pretty sure she gave me a contusion.

129. You should read it.

130. She's got some interesting things to say.

131. Ah, no thanks.

132. Every Libertarian was born on third base

133. and thinks he hit a triple.

134. All right.

135. What about Klimt then?

136. I got it for you.

137. Those paintings I mentioned.

138. Prepare to have your mind blown.

139. I'll, uh, I'll check it out.

140. What?

141. No... nothing.

142. Theo's going out of town for work.

143. Keep me company tonight?

144. Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together

145. to study your word and bask in your glory.

146. - Amen. - Amen.

147. Who else would like to show the Lord his gratitude?

148. Right here, Carol.

149. Lord, please let my baby girls grow up

150. to have wicked backhands and 120 mile-per-hour serves.

151. This is Bible study, Kevin.

152. We're here to praise Jesus, not ask him for favors.

153. Right. Right, I'm sorry.

154. Can I just do one more real quick?

155. Jesus, please help Yanis rest in peace so I can get some rest

156. and not have panic attacks,

157. and not soil my pants.

158. - Is that everybody? - Yes.

159. Well, I'll see you next week.

160. There's coffee and muffins in the kitchen.

161. They're a day old, but no mold.

162. I checked. Praise Jesus.

163. Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host

164. the foster child we're receiving this morning.

165. Thank you for coming.

166. - We'll take him. - What?

167. Bless you, Kevin.

168. He's on his way from Myanmar to a dairy farm in Wisconsin.

169. Oh, it— it— it's only for a couple of days.

170. Oh, this is— praise Jesus.

171. Thank you. Oh.

172. The hell you doing?

173. It's a kid in need.

174. If I do God a solid, he'll do me one.

175. Eye for an eye.

176. That is not what "eye for an eye" means.

177. Oh, how do you know what the good book means?

178. You were doing your nails the whole time.

179. Forget that barbecued Greek.

180. It wasn't your fault.

181. Of course it was. What are you talking about, V?

182. If it wasn't for me, Yanis would still be alive.

183. Please, baby.

184. Whoo.

185. If I go along with getting a new crib, it better be sick.

186. We can't pay any more than we already were.

187. We were barely making ends meet as it was.

188. Why you acting like we ain't got no lettuce?

189. Lettuce?

190. The Benjamins.

191. Cash. Money.

192. Say the word, and I'll make it rain up in here.

193. I told you, I'm not taking your dirty money.

194. It must be wonderful living in your little fantasy world

195. where unicorns slide down magical rainbows and everybody

196. on the South Side gets by on the up and up.

197. What do you think this neighborhood runs on?

198. It ain't donuts.

199. Without heroes like Carl here driving our shadow economy,

200. we would've gone the way of the dodo years ago.

201. Hey, can I, um, can I get a relocation advance?

202. Thank you.

203. Yo! What the hell?

204. I didn't realize the house was still occupied.

205. Oh, shit.

206. You're the new owners.

207. We're just here to take a few measurements

208. for the kids' beds, tile for the bathroom.

209. We're in the process of moving out,

210. but been here since before I was born.

211. It's a lot of stuff to get together.

212. Contractors aren't coming till next week

213. if you want to take your time.

214. Thanks. That's really nice of you.

215. Hey.

216. You ever seen what a machete can do to the human body?

217. He's kidding.

218. Let's get to school, huh?

219. Come on. I'll drop off Liam.

220. We'll just go up and look at the bedrooms.

221. I get the biggest one.

222. No way, I do!

223. You all right?

224. It's the hormones.

225. I'm trying not to think about it.

226. It's hard losing the house you've lived in your whole life.

227. It's just a pile of wood and plaster.

228. I called you. We had a family meeting.

229. I had work.

230. You got a job?

231. Yeah, I have to support my family.

232. And to answer your next question,

233. yes, I'm still going to school.

234. I'm responsible like that.

235. - I'm gonna find us a new place. - So?

236. It's not like me and my baby will be welcome there.

237. It's not out of your womb yet.

238. You can still stay under my roof.

239. Splitting hairs, aren't you?

240. It's my job to tell you when you're making a huge mistake.

241. Don't listen to that baby killer.

242. Shut up, Frank!

243. I am way past when any doctor would do an abortion anyway,

244. so just save it, Fiona.

245. There are other options. Adoption.

246. You'd give away a Gallagher?

247. For free? Shame on you.

248. Just answer your phone when I call, will you?

249. Pay no attention to your homicidal sister.

250. Coffee?

251. Can't, it's bad for the baby.

252. No, for me.

253. We have to speed things up.

254. You've got to convince the dying mom

255. that they need you full-time.

256. Well, Mrs. Wexler already loves me.

257. So convince the husband.

258. I've been busting my ass trying to prove to Mr. Wexler

259. that I'd be a great wife,

260. and he just doesn't want me there.

261. That's because you're not being a great wife,

262. you're being a great nanny.

263. Nobody wants to fuck Mary Poppins.

264. What am I supposed to do?

265. See to his needs. All his needs.

266. But I've tried sexy before.

267. It's never worked,

268. and that was before I had cankles.

269. Nonsense. You're glowing.

270. And remember what my mother said... "A hole's a hole."

271. A guy doesn't really care who's attached to it.

272. Sounds like Grammy.

273. Besides, you think after a day of radiation,

274. cancer girl's getting on her knees?

275. She hasn't given it up for months.

276. The husband would probably blow his wad if you shake his hand.

277. What happened to the wall?

278. Mind your own business.

279. You smell like a toilet.

280. Beat it, brat!

281. Mom!

282. What time's the soon-to-be widower get home?

283. Late afternoon.

284. Okay, when the family's away, you take care of your man.

285. I guarantee you, he'll move you into the guest room in no time.

286. But what about Mrs. Wexler?

287. - Where is she now? - Hospital.

288. All right, I'll make sure she's not home

289. to cock block you.

290. Here.

291. There.

292. There you go.

293. That a girl.

294. Hey, what's up, girl?

295. How's that new bike handle?

296. - Smooth, unlike you. - Please.

297. That's not the only thing you'd enjoy riding.

298. Do you have a straight-up brain injury?

299. Damn, nice lock.

300. Did NASA design that?

301. Kryptonite KryptoLok.

302. - Hmm. - Hey, yo, it's on.

303. - She's meeting us. - Tight.

304. Hey, don't get too jealous.

305. Real estate agent.

306. What do you need a real estate agent for?

307. Me and Nick getting our own crib.

308. When you get tired of crashing with daddy,

309. you should give me a ring.

310. I always got room for my number one boo thang.

311. We're here! Come on in, boys.

312. Come on.

313. Just tell me which one is ours

314. so I can stick him in front of the TV.

315. Well, the good Lord gave us a few more refugees

316. than we expected.

317. Well, that's the good Lord's problem.

318. I'm sure he'll figure something out,

319. him being all powerful and shit— Kev!

320. Girl, I'm taking in three myself.

321. Stop bitching and show some Christian charity.

322. Does it look like I have an extra five beds?

323. Beds?

324. They've been living in the jungle off of insects

325. and tree bark.

326. They'll be happy with a roof over their head

327. and a can of Spam.

328. Kevin Ball, get your ass down here!

329. Okay, come on.

330. Who are they?

331. Damn refugee kids.

332. I thought you said they were from Miami.

333. - Myanmar. - Myan-what?

334. It's in Asia.

335. You know, there's too many damn countries in Asia.

336. Should just make it one country.

337. Oh, it— it's okay, boys.

338. It— it's just a car.

339. It's okay.

340. Loud sounds spook them, and quick movement too,

341. so go slow.

342. Were they altar boys or something?

343. They weren't fondled, they were forced to fight.

344. Civil war.

345. Can you imagine, handed a gun and made to kill

346. practically just out of diapers?

347. Oh, thank goodness we got them out.

348. I didn't sign up for four-foot mercenaries with PTSD.

349. Mama trying to dump the whole litter on us.

350. - That's a great idea. - Kevin.

351. I can get all my karma points out at once.

352. Oh, hell no.

353. Let me get one of those.

354. I don't recall texting being one of the requirements of your job.

355. I told the staff I had to come to the office

356. to run the numbers.

357. What does that mean?

358. No idea. It sounded managerial.

359. I didn't want them to see me doing personal stuff.

360. I'm your boss.

361. Aren't you supposed to try to keep that shit from me too?

362. All the houses at our price point are, like, condemned.

363. I didn't realize what a palace I lived in.

364. What time are we picking Will up?

365. Oh, I think you got enough on your plate already.

366. No, no, it's important to me.

367. What have you got planned for him?

368. I was thinking go-karts and then laser tag,

369. and maybe hit an arcade?

370. Is that too much?

371. I only have him with me a few days.

372. I feel like I have to make this the best time he's ever had.

373. As long as he's with you, Will's gonna have a blast.

374. There you go.

375. But if you can scrape together enough for Six Flags,

376. he might just tell you he loves you.

377. Buying his love is not beneath me.

378. - Hey Debs, what's up? - Fiona, the sheriffs are here.

379. - They're kicking us out! - What?

380. They're putting everything on the street!

381. Shit. I'm on my way.

382. Hey! That's not yours!

383. Hey! Get off that!

384. That's our stuff!

385. What the fuck?

386. Please call the front desk.

387. Dr. Stateman, please call the front desk.

388. What room's Erica Wexler in?

389. Oh, you're not Mr. Jorgensen. I'm in the wrong room.

390. - Mr. Gallagher? - Do I know you?

391. Oh, you're the woman who hired my daughter.

392. - That's right. - How's she doing?

393. Oh, Debbie's a gem.

394. What are you doing back here?

395. I work here. I'm a cancer concierge.

396. A what?

397. - I— I don't want to keep you. - No, it's fine.

398. I'm— I'm waiting for them to call me for my treatment.

399. How are you feeling?

400. Well, I mean, the doctors say there's always a chance I could

401. go into remission, but honestly,

402. every day I just feel worse and worse.

403. I see this all the time in my business.

404. The— the hospitals and the insurance companies

405. tell you to keep pumping chemicals into your body

406. so they can use you as a bottomless cash machine.

407. If-if you don't mind my asking,

408. are your affairs in order?

409. No.

410. Because my husband is convinced I'm gonna get better.

411. That's why he doesn't come to the hospital,

412. because when he comes here, reality hits.

413. It's always the spouses who are in denial.

414. Thank God, someone who doesn't think that I'm just gonna be

415. back on my feet and taking care of my family.

416. Sadly, if you don't take a turn for the better,

417. it's your husband who will be left making the arrangements

418. when he should be grieving.

419. You know, I'm fully certified in end-of-life preparations.

420. I can't afford a specialist.

421. You think I do this for the money?

422. There are a lot of jobs a Northwestern grad could get

423. that pay a heck of a lot more than this.

424. You went to Northwestern?

425. Go Wildcats.

426. I tell you what.

427. Let's use today as a trial run.

428. No charge.

429. To be totally honest,

430. I'm happiest when I'm paid in smiles.

431. What about your other patient?

432. He's just a stage two.

433. Time is a luxury he still has.

434. You finish up what you're doing here,

435. and I'll take you to my casket guy.

436. He'll find you one so comfy, you'll want stay in it forever.

437. Ju—

438. Just a little industry humor.

439. You sleep well at night after a long day

440. kicking people out on the street?

441. Okay. Hey.

442. - Fiona, ugh, finally. - You call Lip?

443. Ian and Carl too. They're on their way.

444. Thanks, Debs.

445. I'm still a Gallagher.

446. Hey, we got permission to stay in the house until next week.

447. - From the bank? - No, the new owners.

448. Bank owns this place till the inspection's done.

449. Bank wants you gone.

450. Wha—

451. You can't just throw us out with no warning.

452. - You get an eviction notice? - Yeah.

453. That was your warning.

454. Motherfucker.

455. Where are we gonna do with all this stuff?

456. This is everything we have.

457. I'm gonna get some boxes. Be right back.

458. What is going on?

459. We're getting evicted.

460. This one seems fine.

461. Absolutely not.

462. What's wrong with it?

463. I will not allow you to be buried in a pine box.

464. The insects'll be munching down on you

465. the second you hit the dirt.

466. Well, I'm gonna be dead.

467. I'm not gonna know the difference.

468. No, you need stainless steel.

469. Or mahogany.

470. Oh, yeah.

471. Here we go.

472. The Escalade of coffins.

473. If you got to go, go in style.

474. When you're being lowered into the ground,

475. you want your loved ones to find solace in the knowledge that

476. you're resting comfortably.

477. It's not for you. It's for them.

478. Want to take it for a spin?

479. Get in there?

480. Yeah.

481. Wait.

482. It's roomy.

483. Oh, yeah.

484. Oh, yeah.

485. Very comfortable.

486. - Hop in. - Okay.

487. You see, it's the attention to detail

488. that makes all the difference.

489. Look at this.

490. You know what I think this is?

491. This is imported silk.

492. - You may be right. - Mm-hmm.

493. Oh, this is like a bed of roses.

494. What's the verdict?

495. Well, we considered the basic model,

496. but I— I think we're gonna go with the Eternity Elite.

497. Wonderful.

498. On second thought, maybe we should take another look

499. at the no-frills model.

500. You know, I mean the, uh,

501. the workmanship is, um, it's substandard.

502. Nope, it's not gonna work.

503. So all we need is your credit card, dear.

504. Now, aren't you comfortable?

505. This is amazing.

506. Look at this workmanship.

507. It's a good color on you too.

508. That's all the boxes.

509. Uh, Ian and I'll go get the dryer.

510. I already got it!

511. We got to start moving your stuff over to our place.

512. Boxes inside, furniture in the yard.

513. Thanks, Kev.

514. You can leave your stuff there as long

515. as you need to, or at least until it rains.

516. Hey! Make yourselves useful!

517. No "I don't speak English" bullshit!

518. You get the table, you guys get the boxes.

519. Get it! Move!

520. Yo.

521. Need a place to crash tonight?

522. Looks like it, huh?

523. Well, uh, if you want to stay in my dorm room,

524. I promise I'll let you clean up as much puke as you want.

525. Don't you need the place to have sex with your old lady?

526. I mean that literally.

527. Well, Helene's 40.

528. Yeah.

529. I'll stop by after the barbecue.

530. A bunch of firemen are throwing it.

531. Oh, yeah? You banging one of them?

532. Why do you think I'm going?

533. What is it with you gay guys?

534. Everything is a straight shot to sex.

535. Even burgers and Frisbee.

536. Yeah, well, why waste time?

537. I've never done it at a barbecue before.

538. Dugout a couple times, alleyway,

539. just about everywhere in basic training.

540. Give an all-new definition to the term "mess hall," huh?

541. Hey, listen, when you're done getting your gay on,

542. these'll get you in the dorm room, all right?

543. I found Liam's markers.

544. What are these boxes?

545. Uh, my clothes.

546. Dishes.

547. We are so organized for a homeless family.

548. Homeless?

549. What happened to that two grand you got from Gus' ring?

550. I can't use that.

551. I got to give the ring back.

552. Well, you know you always have our place if you need it.

553. Looks like your inn is all booked up.

554. Ooh! Just say the word,

555. I'll kick those refugee kids' asses to the curb.

556. It's okay, I don't need a place.

557. Debbie, if these—

558. I'm just gonna get the family I work for to let me stay.

559. - I can take Carl. - Yeah, you can.

560. All eight inches.

561. I'm pimping like that.

562. - Feel me? - Pimping?

563. I changed your diaper, so I know your little pudding pop

564. ain't never been chocolate.

565. I'm getting tired of this little minstrel act.

566. You think cornrows make you black?

567. 400 years of oppression makes you black,

568. and if you keep up with this wigger bullshit,

569. I'm gonna reverse George Zimmerman your ass.

570. Feel me?

571. I got to go get Will.

572. Oh, shit!

573. All the craziness, I forgot.

574. Yeah, you can stay at my apartment.

575. That could work.

576. It might be a little tight, but I think we could fit everyone.

577. Everyone?

578. It sounded like Carl and Debs have themselves covered.

579. Debbie won't listen to me, but Carl will,

580. and he didn't know you were gonna invite us.

581. Well, I didn't. I invited you.

582. What are you saying? My family can't come?

583. Well, Liam's okay.

584. Will's staying with me, Fiona.

585. So?

586. So if my ex finds out Carl was too,

587. she'd never let Will come again.

588. Why?

589. Because he acts like he's the black El Chapo.

590. Listen, I know you have problems.

591. I want to help, but when it comes to my son,

592. I have to draw a line.

593. Why are you being an asshole?

594. You're acting like Carl's riding a tricycle.

595. He served time. He's carrying a piece.

596. He's not gonna let you tell him where to go.

597. How do you think we made it all these years, huh?

598. Every time we got torn apart and beaten down?

599. It's by staying a family, no matter what.

600. Did you hear anything I just said? Did you?

601. Did you hear anything I just said?

602. I got to get my son.

603. Great. Thank you!

604. I'm gonna be sleeping on the street with my family!

605. A bar?

606. I thought you said the next stop was vital.

607. It is.

608. I'm tired. I would like to go home.

609. Too much to discuss.

610. Can't afford distractions.

611. Coffee for my client.

612. Wake her up.

613. Espresso, latte, cappuccino?

614. Whatever happened to just plain old American joe?

615. Beer for me.

616. Mariah Smoked Porter, Lagunitas IPA, Goose Island IPA—

617. The fuck's an IPA?

618. Just pick a winner.

619. Do you mind if I smoke?

620. Okay.

621. You look surprised.

622. Didn't take you for a stoner.

623. No, this is state-sanctioned pain relief.

624. So what's so important you have to discuss?

625. Okay, we booked the coffin.

626. Time to talk about the day people see you in it.

627. Have you picked out an outfit?

628. Um, I hadn't really thought about it.

629. Something like this, maybe?

630. Why?

631. You're a fine-looking piece of tail.

632. Thanks.

633. Your viewing is the last time people are gonna see you.

634. Wear something short.

635. You'll have every in guy there wishing he could hop into

636. the casket and mount your corpse.

637. You're not subtle, are you?

638. You want me to lie?

639. No.

640. What else is on your mind?

641. That depends.

642. Want to go out with a bang?

643. If you're coming on to me, I'm just—

644. I'm gonna stop you right there.

645. There are ways other than sex

646. to remember what it's like to be alive.

647. Go on.

648. The greatest pain reliever there is— coke.

649. I know, snorting a line the first time sounds scary,

650. but don't die with anything left on your bucket list.

651. No, my first time wasn't scary.

652. You've done it before?

653. Mm, yes, it was a—

654. it was a present from my boyfriend on my 16th birthday.

655. Certainly made it sweet.

656. Mm.

657. Heroin then.

658. Black tar or China White?

659. I feel like I've misjudged you.

660. Hey.

661. I think this is it.

662. Thanks. We can take it from here.

663. All right.

664. Why does this shit always happen to us?

665. Again and again?

666. And again and again and again.

667. Used to tell myself that was just life with Frank and Monica.

668. Nothing ever changes, does it?

669. You know, why don't I stick around?

670. You know, help make sure everything gets taken care of.

671. Nah, it's okay.

672. Kev's gonna take me to the Alibi,

673. see if we can get Svetlana to let us us stay

674. in the room upstairs.

675. What about Liam?

676. I'll grab him from Head Start.

677. There's no point even talking to Debbie anymore.

678. You can't force her, Fi.

679. You sound like Sean.

680. It's annoying.

681. Well, who knows?

682. She could make a great mom.

683. You know, she helped raise Liam.

684. She's too young.

685. Yeah, but everyone's getting older.

686. You know, everyone's getting on with their own lives.

687. The upside is now you can spend less time

688. worrying about everyone else,

689. spend more time thinking about yourself.

690. You vacuum out the fetus yet?

691. I had to cancel my appointment.

692. What?

693. We lost the house, I got tied up.

694. It's not like I'm having second thoughts.

695. We're locking up the house.

696. Can you give me a minute first?

697. Sure.

698. Welcome to your new crib, man.

699. Tight.

700. Long day at work?

701. What are you doing here?

702. Um, I used the spare key from under the flower pot.

703. I brought some groceries.

704. Mrs. Wexler asked me.

705. Fine. Whatever.

706. I just want to get out of these clothes and relax.

707. Great idea.

708. Well, now that I'm here, maybe I could be of some use.

709. Well, the kids won't be home for another hour.

710. I wasn't talking about the kids.

711. I fixed you a drink.

712. This damn city inspector to give us the go-ahead on the attic.

713. Whoa, hey.

714. Whoa.

715. Uh, what are you doing?

716. I was helping you relax.

717. I could draw you a bath.

718. I'll see you tomorrow, Donna.

719. Donna?

720. I used to be a groupie.

721. I followed bands all around the country.

722. Sounds memorable.

723. What I remember of it.

724. My bucket list was crossed off before I was old enough

725. to buy a wine cooler.

726. Well, perhaps I can help you expand it.

727. I have something of a sordid history myself.

728. Not like mine.

729. You're talking to a Ph.D. in the debaucherous arts.

730. Have you ever...

731. snorted PCP off a man's penis?

732. Would you judge me if I had?

733. Have you ever woken up naked in the street

734. with no idea how you got there?

735. That's called Tuesday.

736. That all you got?

737. Have you ever been used as a rotisserie

738. by two members of Guns N' Roses?

739. I have no idea what that means,

740. but I'm enjoying trying to picture it.

741. It would've been more too, but Axl couldn't get it up.

742. Why on Earth did you leave it behind?

743. Because I decided to try something even wilder.

744. Freebasing?

745. Family.

746. Husband, kids.

747. That's the real high wire act,

748. but with the best high you could ask for.

749. So no regrets?

750. One.

751. Melissa Etheridge.

752. Yeah, I heard one of her songs once.

753. Felt like Satan was hate-fucking my eardrums.

754. She was so luminous with long hair and this raspy voice.

755. You visited the island of Lesbos?

756. No, no, it was more than a visit,

757. but she dumped me.

758. I broke the cardinal rule—

759. never fall for the singer.

760. And I cannot shut up because I am so stoned.

761. You sure I can't interest you in a bathroom quickie?

762. I'm not that stoned.

763. Excuse me, I'm waiting for an appointment.

764. No wait no more, baby.

765. Dope pad.

766. Shit, you guys got Jacuzzis up in here?

767. You're Carl Gallagher?

768. Yeah, that's right.

769. Don't get too juiced up.

770. I only go for sistas. You accept hundreds?

771. You don't look like the trust fund kids I normally work with.

772. Are you a rapper?

773. Yeah, that's right. They call me White Chocolate.

774. Well, you would need a parent to co-sign.

775. Even then I'm afraid that you would never make board approval.

776. What, black folk money ain't no good here?

777. I don't follow.

778. Nah, you don't.

779. You ain't got no idea who I am.

780. You got to go through 400 years of oppression to know who I am.

781. Shit, we don't want to stay in cracker-ville anyway.

782. Let's get it, Nick.

783. Good luck...

784. Mr. Chocolate.

785. - Hey. - Hey.

786. Don't worry, I'm not gonna punch you.

787. Can I come in?

788. No, you know, I'm— I'm in a relationship.

789. I don't want sex.

790. Just a photo of your wall.

791. The painting I made?

792. Look, I'm kind of in a rush.

793. Well, I need it for art class.

794. "Exploring the Female Form."

795. Okay, yeah, just, uh—

796. yeah.

797. So are you still fucking that professor?

798. - Yeah. - I'm seeing someone.

799. Josh Phelps.

800. Math prodigy.

801. He goes down on me for hours.

802. Instead of the alphabet, he licks the number for pi.

803. His room's upstairs.

804. We basically live together.

805. All right, look, I don't want to be rude, but, um,

806. I got a paper due in Cognitive Robotics,

807. so I got to hit the shower, then the library, so—

808. Take your shower, I'll be gone by the time you're back.

809. Okay.

810. Uh, you, uh, you look good, Amanda.

811. Yo, screw that real estate granny.

812. We'll get ourselves a hotel suite.

813. What?

814. White Chocolate.

815. Tight name, right?

816. Wow. Never fails.

817. Gallagher crisis, Frank's drunk and high.

818. Yeah, well it's a good thing too because he's our only customer.

819. Please tell me that somebody else came in.

820. Lenny, to read meter.

821. Damn it.

822. What? Oh, r-right.

823. Um, look, Fiona got kicked out of her house,

824. so she's gonna be moving upstairs with you.

825. I rent, I have contract.

826. Is my apartment to share, not yours.

827. - We don't take up much room. - No.

828. It would only be for a couple days.

829. No.

830. You're a mom.

831. You know what it's like to take care of someone.

832. I just want to make sure my family's okay.

833. So get motel.

834. That adds up.

835. I get you massage job.

836. Oh, you're too good for it? I understand.

837. You don't realize God gave you ATM machine between your legs.

838. When I do massage, it's because I have to.

839. No money, 5,000 miles from home.

840. I start, I was here.

841. I work hard, now I'm here.

842. This is how America works.

843. Soon, when I open my own Quiznos submarine store, I will be here.

844. You? You think you're here,

845. but you're not.

846. You are here,

847. and girls who are here must do

848. things that other girls would not do.

849. Hey, Red.

850. Come on over.

851. Help yourself.

852. Thanks.

853. See those two kids right there playing football?

854. Those are mine.

855. That's Charlie and Wes.

856. Where you been?

857. Oh, I got held up.

858. You ever pitch?

859. Usually,

860. but I'm open, depending on what you're into.

861. Where we doing this?

862. Follow me.

863. Wait, we're actually playing softball?

864. Yeah, what'd you think?

865. Zach usually starts on the mound, but if he's had

866. too many Coronas, his stuff is shit.

867. You cover second.

868. What? You play, right?

869. Oh, sure, I play.

870. We'll need all the help we can get.

871. If we lose to the fags in blue, we'll never hear the end of it.

872. Who?

873. The gay cops.

874. You have the right to remain silent while we run the score up

875. on your sorry asses.

876. Tony?

877. Wh—

878. When did you come out?

879. Oh, your sister turned me gay.

880. Oh, wow.

881. Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

882. I didn't even know you were in here.

883. What the—

884. Not like it's anything I haven't seen before, though.

885. Why are you still here?

886. You take on so much for your family,

887. but who's looking out for you?

888. My wife.

889. Yeah, for now.

890. I'm not just here for the kids, Mr. Wexler.

891. I'm here for you too.

892. I don't even know what that means.

893. She's dying!

894. Just because you don't want to admit it doesn't mean

895. it's not happening.

896. Dierdre has night terrors, Betsy keeps wetting the bed,

897. and George keeps getting into fistfights at school,

898. but at least they're facing reality.

899. You're too scared to even do that.

900. You need groceries and laundry and meals.

901. You need me.

902. Your kids need me,

903. and not just in the mornings,

904. so just man up and admit it.

905. Hey, uh, excuse me.

906. Can you tell me where the books on robotics are?

907. - Let me check. - Thanks.

908. Oh, my God.

909. Yo, wh— where did you get that?

910. Some girl tweeted it.

911. Nice bit of MILF trim though, huh?

912. One out.

913. One out. Look alive, boys!

914. Look alive!

915. Look alive, baby!

916. One, two, and three!

917. Two! Two!

918. You're blocking the baseline.

919. Go fuck your father.

920. Fuck off!

921. Hey, don't worry.

922. I'll get you a new bike with more cool shit on it.

923. Need my gun.

924. Yo, you don't even know who took your bike.

925. Oh, I didn't realize taking a five-hour break

926. was one of the perks of your job.

927. Got evicted.

928. That's a good one.

929. I should use that excuse.

930. Wait, really?

931. Your cousin still a super?

932. Why?

933. He got any apartments open?

934. Yeah, but they're not rentals, and given that you work here,

935. I'm guessing you can't afford to buy.

936. Well, is there one that we can crash in before it's sold?

937. We'd be quiet and clean.

938. What do I get in return?

939. You get to keep your job.

940. Seriously?

941. You'd fire me?

942. No, but I'd really appreciate it.

943. I could give two craps about you,

944. but I like your little brother.

945. He's a cute kid.

946. I don't want him living on the street just 'cause

947. his older sister's a fuck-up.

948. I will call my cousin.

949. Thanks.

950. Can I have this? Yeah.

951. Hey, Carl, it's me.

952. I think I might have a place for us.

953. Yum yum yum yum!

954. If I find any more weapons on any of you,

955. you out on the street, you understand?

956. Damn, y'all stink.

957. Let's go upstairs.

958. Move like you got some sense.

959. The last time you all took a damn bath?

960. You in there?

961. Come in.

962. What do you think?

963. People say hands are the hardest thing to draw,

964. but I think it's tits.

965. How the fuck could you send out that picture of Helene?

966. I just saw your phone there and the idea popped into my head

967. like divine intervention.

968. You know, my therapist says that revenge doesn't give you

969. any real satisfaction, but clearly she's an idiot

970. because this feels really, really good.

971. Amanda, it's all over the goddamn school.

972. Yeah, social media's fast, huh?

973. You shouldn't have screwed me over.

974. I never made any fucking promises to you!

975. Yes, you fucking well did!

976. With your eyes and your smile and your cock.

977. Does it hurt?

978. Fuck!

979. You should change your security code more often.

980. All the other boys are clean.

981. Your turn.

982. You're not a boy.

983. Which one do you like?

984. Pink or blue?

985. Pink.

986. That a bullet wound?

987. We can put makeup on it.

988. Hello?

989. Hello?

990. Where is everyone?

991. Helene?

992. You're making yourself at home. I take it the plan worked?

993. Oh, well, not exactly,

994. but after Tyler cried on my shoulder, he said I could stay.

995. Room and board instead of more pay.

996. Tyler?

997. What happened to Mr. Wexler?

998. Come here.

999. I am so proud of you.

1000. Okay, you unlock the downstairs window,

1001. I'll sneak in late, sleep on the floor,

1002. I'll be gone before anyone wakes up.

1003. At least until Erica kicks it.

1004. Cool. You got it, Dad.

1005. Hey, how about another shot for the Hands of Steel?

1006. That one's for you, slugger.

1007. - Ooh. - Ahh.

1008. So when you gonna take the test?

1009. Test?

1010. To become a firefighter, man!

1011. - Whoa! - Oh, shit.

1012. You all right, man?

1013. - Oh, man. - Okay, those guys are wasted.

1014. You should.

1015. You really think I could be a firefighter?

1016. Isn't that why you've been hanging around?

1017. 'Cause you want to go on runs, save lives?

1018. Yeah, that, and I was hoping to get my hands on your hose.

1019. Is that what this is to you? A fuck?

1020. You say it like it's a bad thing.

1021. Come on, let's get out of here.

1022. You know, I knew you were younger than me,

1023. but I thought you were a grownup.

1024. Oh, fuck.

1025. Okay, okay.

1026. Hey.

1027. I'm into you, all right?

1028. I thought you were into me.

1029. I am.

1030. Then what's the problem?

1031. I don't stick my dick in just any guy.

1032. What do you want then?

1033. Seriously?

1034. Do I have to spell it out for you?

1035. Yeah.

1036. A date.

1037. With, like, flowers and chocolate and shit?

1038. No, we can skip the flowers.

1039. Okay.

1040. You're on.

1041. All right.

1042. Let's get some fucking brews.

1043. Helene?

1044. Helene!

1045. I thought you were out of town.

1046. Given the circumstances, I came back.

1047. Look, I-I-I need to speak with Helene.

1048. You took a picture of her.

1049. In your dorm room.

1050. Please, can I just— can you let me talk to her?

1051. She's being summoned before the disciplinary board.

1052. Do you know what that means?

1053. It means that you may just have buried her career.

1054. Okay, it wasn't my fault, all right?

1055. Somebody—somebody took my phone.

1056. Just wait.

1057. Wait. Helene, just let me explain!

1058. Fuck!

1059. Helene!

1060. Helene!

1061. I thought you weren't taking me up on my offer.

1062. Carl's getting a hotel room.

1063. It's just me and Liam.

1064. Melinda might have a place for us,

1065. but we'd like to stay with you.

1066. And do you figure there were no hard feelings from earlier?

1067. I'm mature enough to get over them.

1068. I meant me.

1069. Are you not gonna let us in?

1070. Come on in.

1071. I'll get sheets for the pull-out.

1072. Come on, Liam.

1073. Do you remember Will?

1074. There you are.

1075. I was looking forward to a nap in the back row,

1076. but you were a no-show.

1077. Had to lecture myself.

1078. I'm sorry. Something— something came up.

1079. Yeah, better be good.

1080. Uh, so it's a long story.

1081. Um, someone got a hold of my phone, and they—

1082. they sent out this picture.

1083. Professor Runyon?

1084. That was you?

1085. Jesus Christ, you saw it too?

1086. I'd say that's some elephant-sized shit

1087. hitting the fan.

1088. She as hot in bed as she looks in that picture?

1089. - Yeah. - Oh.

1090. To be 20 and receive the affection of a real woman.

1091. For me, it was Mrs. Linstrom.

1092. Next-door neighbor.

1093. She had the face of Betty Friedan

1094. with the body of Betty Rubble.

1095. We went at it over and over and over.

1096. Can't do that anymore.

1097. The ravages of age.

1098. Well, the gallons of bourbon probably didn't help either.

1099. Shall we go get soused?

1100. - Please. - Yeah.

1101. We need our stuff.

1102. I got dinner on the stove.

1103. You ballers want some mac and cheese?

1104. We'll take some mac and cheese.

1105. All right, kids. Dinner's on.

1106. Give it here.

1107. What do you want?

1108. Shit.

1109. I was hoping you'd come.

1110. I was hoping you'd say that.

1111. I'm gonna take Will to the skate park.

1112. He wants to show me some moves.

1113. Yeah?

1114. You're gonna get on a skateboard?

1115. You don't think I can?

1116. That I got to see.

1117. All right, you're invited.

1118. I'll be there.

1119. I rescheduled my abortion.

1120. What prompted that?

1121. Feels like everyone's getting on with their lives.

1122. I figure it's probably time for me too.

1123. You didn't think I was having second thoughts, did you?

1124. Pillows.

1125. - Two enough? - Yeah.

1126. - One will do. - All right, kiddo.

1127. - Oh, my. Shit. - I got you right in the—

1128. Oh!

1129. - Should not have done that. - Oh, yeah?

1130. - Wait! Hold up! - Bing, bang.

1131. - Right in the kisser! - And boom.

1132. All right. Me?

1133. You're supposed to be on my side!

1134. Are you gonna hit your sister?

1135. So you fought in a war?

1136. You ever smoke anybody?

1137. You know, kill somebody?