Shameless 5x2

1. Hey, people around here get their ass beat

2. for missing Shameless. So sit down, shut up,

3. and catch up.

4. Or don't. I don't give a fuck.

5. I'm happy to knock your fucking teeth out.

6. Meds and vitals now.

7. - What are those for? - Anti-rejection.

8. Hypertension. Depression.

9. Diuretic. And apparently,

10. that is my new liver, fucking me in the ass.

11. - Ow! - What are you doing?

12. Do not hit our daughter. It's just the nipple.

13. I'm done. No more breast-feeding.

14. I'm going to work at the Alibi.

15. - You can stay here. - You've got to do something

16. about your daughter. She's acting like

17. a desperate teenager.

18. - You're lying! - Ow.

19. I don't want her and that Chuckie thing

20. in my house anymore.

21. Hey, did you have a chance to call that doctor?

22. I don't have what Monica has.

23. It could be bipolar disease like our mom.

24. Come see our show tonight, huh?

25. - Wish I could. I turn into a pumpkin at 9:00.

26. Maybe I'll see you later, huh?

27. - Did he leave a good tip? - If he's a musician,

28. you never know where that tip's been.

29. - You guys are cheaters! - Look who's a sore sport.

30. Look who's madly in love.

31. I'm about to start a big clean up.

32. They knocked over Sunny Days on Halsted

33. - this morning. - Great, I'm in.

34. Sell your home at a premium price.

35. My contribution to mankind.

36. I give you Frank's Milk Of The Gods.

37. - This is beer? - I call it Milk Of The Gods.

38. Man.

39. I think I just shit my pants.

40. Good to know. I'll reduce the hops.

41. I'll tell you what though.

42. It's bad ass.

43. What would you pay for something like that?

44. I got some sweet 420 that my girl baked up.

45. - You wanna trade? - Done, done, done.

46. Aw, man.

47. - Look at that. - What?

48. A new day. And I'm still alive.

49. Life is good.

50. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

51. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

52. Arr-ar-ar-aroooo!

53. - Cock-a-doodle-doo! - Arr-ar-ar-aroooo!

54. Hey. You're up early.

55. I'm off house arrest as of this morning.

56. - Ah. - And I just need a screwdriver

57. to get this thing off.

58. Are you, uh, sure that's a good idea?

59. Probation office isn't open until tomorrow.

60. But as long as I give it back undamaged,

61. I'm good. Dude, congratulations

62. - is not that hard to say. - Congratulations, Fiona.

63. - Thank you. - Well, just try not to

64. celebrate with any road trips or hard drugs, yeah?

65. No promises. One day at a time.

66. You start your new job on a Sunday?

67. Yeah, it's something to do with, uh, no city inspectors

68. working today, and I'm guessing they're planning

69. on having us dump toxic waste some place where

70. toxic waste should not be dumped.

71. Weird thing is, I'm kinda looking forward to it.

72. - To dumping toxic waste? - No, to the job.

73. You know, no class, no stress, no grades.

74. Just hauling shit and breaking shit.

75. It's like meditation, only with large objects.

76. Meditation? Wow, you really are

77. - a 12 step monkey, huh? - Oh, lick me.

78. There's my sister.

79. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

80. This "Happiest Baby" shit totally works.

81. Here, Happiest Baby shit this one.

82. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

83. Put her there.

84. Give me her. No, let go of mommy's hair.

85. There we go, yes.

86. - It's okay.

87. They're just loving on papa cause it's Father's Day.

88. Okay, okay.

89. Hey, so what's the plan anyway?

90. - The plan? - Pancakes?

91. No, waffles? Ooh, chocolate chip pancakes.

92. - What are you talking about? - It's Father's Day.

93. - It's Father's Day. - Oh shit, okay.

94. - It's Father's Day. - Yeah, uh.

95. - It's Father's Day. - Watch her.

96. Shh. It's Father's Day.

97. It's Father's Day. Look at that.

98. Look at those skills.

99. Kev wants fucking pancakes.

100. - Holy shit, you okay? - I have twins.

101. - I'll never be okay again. - Shit, I gotta go to work.

102. Okay? Uh, good luck with, uh, too many babies,

103. and good luck with the jailbreak, okay?

104. - I'll see you later. - What are you doing?

105. I'm off house arrest. Do you need coffee?

106. - You look— - I look what?

107. Nothing. Toaster waffles in the freezer.

108. I've been watching the clock counting the minutes

109. till I can open the Alibi and watch Frank drink his way

110. - through someone else's liver. - Hmm, that's fun for you,

111. - is it? - Does that make me a bad person

112. that I'd rather be selling cheap booze

113. to barflies than spend time with my twin spawns of Satan?

114. Spawns of Satan? Really?

115. Do you think I'm a bad mother?

116. Did you leave either kid on the porch

117. last night while you were going on a drug run?

118. Then compared to what I grew up with,

119. you're an excellent mother.

120. Ah! Aahhh!

121. What? What?

122. What? Are you too— too tired

123. to jump up and down with me?

124. Yeah, but if it helps, this is my happy face now.

125. All right, Lip, you're over here, buddy.

126. So here's what you're going to do,

127. you're going to lift these large pieces of concrete,

128. put 'em in the bucket of the bobcat.

129. Then you go get some more while the bobcat

130. dumps them in the low load.

131. I get to work the bobcat?

132. Okay, you're going to lift with your hands

133. the large pieces of concrete and put them in the bucket

134. of the bobcat just like these assholes

135. who don't speak English are doing.

136. Then you're going to move out of the way

137. while the bobcat, which has a licensed operator

138. who is me and not you, dumps them in the low load.

139. Then you're going to do it again for eight hours.

140. You're going to stop after eight hours 'cause I'm not

141. paying your college ass overtime.

142. You think you can handle that?

143. I think I'll manage.

144. - All right.

145. Amanda, huh? Nice tatas.

146. Why don't you give me the phone?

147. - Why would I do that? - Phones are a hazard

148. on the worksite. You're not going to sue me

149. for workman's comp because you're distracted

150. by a titty shot when a brick comes flying at your head.

151. Bricks are flying at my head now?

152. This ain't the Alibi, bitch.

153. You work for me, you do what I say.

154. Thank you.

155. All right, andale, andale. Arriba, ay-yi-yi-yi.

156. Nice nipples.

157. And I want to call him, 'cause he's my dad,

158. and it's Father's Day.

159. But that's for me, you know? And it's selfish

160. 'cause he doesn't want to hear from me.

161. And, uh, he made that pretty clear.

162. Well, the restraining order made that pretty freaking clear.

163. So, I'm not going to call him, and I'm just going to work

164. on me the best that I can.

165. Nice of you to stop by.

166. Here's your coffee flavored sugar.

167. All I can do, right?

168. You know? Stay clean, go to work,

169. pray when I can remember, so...

170. Are you ankle flirting with me?

171. I've got excellent ankles.

172. Now you can see both of them.

173. No monitor?

174. How'd you get that off on a Sunday?

175. Screwdriver. A little bit of elbow grease.

176. - You're trouble, Gallagher. - Shh, shh, shh.

177. I'm trying to listen.

178. And it's one more person that will never forgive me.

179. Ew, don't learn from him, Liam.

180. - He's disgusting. - Disgusting.

181. What are we going to do for money this summer?

182. I plan to bang as many chicks as I can,

183. and get so good at it, they even pay me to do it.

184. Ha! Yeah, right. You're in a wheelchair.

185. - Chicks dig wheelchairs. - I swear to God,

186. if you lose your virginity before I do,

187. I'll stab you to death in your sleep.

188. I'm supposed to keep it in my pants till you're 30?

189. - 30? - 40?

190. - That's not funny. - Yeah it is.

191. I'm going to the public pool later if you want to come.

192. - What are you going to do

193. at the pool? You can't get wet.

194. Did you miss the part where chicks dig wheelchairs?

195. Hmm, strange man. Let me get my pepper spray.

196. Liam, get the door.

197. Hello, uh, I'm looking for Frank Gallagher.

198. - Why? - Oh, um,

199. his— his liver was my— was—

200. He's one block over at Sheila's.

201. We just need a place to cook

202. and a table big enough for three.

203. Or if you guys want to join, that would be so wonderful.

204. - No. - Ketchup.

205. Sure. Coming right up.

206. - Fiona. - No, I'm sorry, but you're not

207. cooking a Father's Day meal for Frank in my house.

208. You got table six or is it me?

209. Uh, I've got it. Because Frank is not a father.

210. Not to me, not to my kids, and honestly, Sammi,

211. not to you either. Here you go.

212. - Need anything else? - Tabasco.

213. Coming right up.

214. - Here you go. - More maple syrup.

215. Right away. Sammi, listen to me.

216. Frank is Frank. He'll never be there for you,

217. or for your kid. He will disappoint you

218. every time. Here you go.

219. Creamer.

220. Absolutely. Anything else?

221. No.

222. Sure.

223. You're cynical, Fiona. You're too young and pretty

224. to be so cynical and hard. I— It makes me feel sad for you.

225. Here you go. Happy Father's Day.

226. More butter.

227. Right away. Sammi, listen to me.

228. I'm not cynical about Frank.

229. I'm just finally sane.

230. Baby needs daylight. You take him for a run?

231. Can't, sorry. I gotta go to a funeral.

232. Funeral? For who?

233. - Some guy he doesn't even know. - Brother in arms.

234. - That's all I need to know. - He didn't even die

235. in a war, man. It was like, a car accident.

236. Fuck you, Mickey. He died serving his country.

237. All right. I guess I'm going with you.

238. - Can you take baby to funeral? - No, it's illegal

239. in this country. Hey, can you at the very least

240. not wear a fucking uniform, since every MP in the world

241. - is looking for you? - He's a soldier.

242. He deserves our goddamn respect.

243. - She still ignoring you? - Just ignore her back.

244. Hey, Gallagher, looking good.

245. You too, Holly.

246. Not you.

247. - You. - Really?

248. Oh, your poor leg.

249. Poor baby.

250. She's just talking to you to mess with me.

251. Let's hope she just blows me to mess with you.

252. Excuse me, was there a problem with your service?

253. Because a tip of 15% or more is standard for—

254. You were slow.

255. Thanks.

256. Slow? Is it that I was slow,

257. or is it that your bloated metabolism can't handle

258. a five minute wait for the ten pounds of bacon

259. you shoved down your fat throat?

260. Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! Enough, enough!

261. Do I have to call the cops? What's wrong?

262. - What's going on? - No tip.

263. I want to talk to your manager.

264. - You're talking to him. - What do you plan

265. - to do about this? - Sir, please.

266. She disrespected my husband on Father's Day.

267. - Okay, ma'am. Ma'am. - Slow, rude, and my eggs

268. - were undercooked. - Sir, respectfully,

269. if you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat here.

270. Seriously? You're siding with this

271. little slut?

272. Let him go! Let him go!

273. Okay, okay. Sean, let him go.

274. Okay, I'll let you go.

275. But first, you apologize to my waitress.

276. Then you walk away and you never walk down

277. this street again. You got it?

278. Yes, sir.

279. Sorry.

280. You okay?

281. Your lip's bleeding.

282. I'll ice it.

283. Sorry. Shit, sorry.

284. I-I-I wasn't looking at you— your boobs.

285. Or— or— or that way. Well, actually I'm looking...

286. at your boobs that way. They're good boobs.

287. I'm just—

288. I just wish my babies had boobs.

289. Shit. Sorry.

290. - Shh, shh, shh.

291. Ow, ow.

292. My hair, my hair, let go, let go.

293. Your wife is not breastfeeding?

294. I-I-I di— I don't— I just don't get it.

295. I mean, Amy bites her a couple of times and what?

296. She just quits the gig?

297. Imagine you are swimming.

298. And baby shark comes out of nowhere,

299. and sinks his fucking teeth into your ball sacks.

300. This is what it feels like when they bite nipple.

301. Like they have declared war.

302. Like, if you have a hammer in your hand,

303. you could bash the brains out of this little shit.

304. This is what it feels like.

305. Damn. I think I owe V an apology.

306. But still, it's no reason to quit.

307. There are ways to stop biting.

308. Well, that's exactly what I said.

309. My husband has no interest in baby.

310. Orange boy, he helps. But, who helps you?

311. V has interest. It's just— Yeah.

312. No, I mean, she works a lot, so.

313. Two babies, no help?

314. Give her to me.

315. Really?

316. Liam, you're getting ice cream everywhere.

317. - Why do you get so mad? - Why don't you tell me

318. - the truth? - You gotta chill.

319. It wasn't even a thing.

320. I am not chilling out. You...

321. - Chill out. - Jesus!

322. You are such a slut.

323. You'll screw anything with legs.

324. Scumbag.

325. Hey. Let it go.

326. They were just fat assholes.

327. I run a restaurant, Fiona.

328. Fat assholes are my bread and butter.

329. Wait, are you mad at me now?

330. No, it's just you— you could have gone

331. - to jail for what, three bucks? - What are you talking about?

332. So you take off your monitor,

333. you're still on probation. Fighting in the street?

334. Why are you stirring shit?

335. I went out there to ask about my tip.

336. You're the one who turned into a rabid dog.

337. Not that I didn't find that sexy,

338. I'm not going to lie, but, you know,

339. pot, kettle.

340. You bring it out in me.

341. - So it's all my fault? - Get out there

342. before one of those fat assholes starves.

343. I think Chuckie's mildly retarded.

344. Someone should probably tell Sammi.

345. Frank, you'll never guess what happened.

346. Well, whatever it is, I hope it's more exciting

347. than this sad display of mentally disabled art.

348. - Oh, cookies. - Frank, Frank.

349. A realtor came by. And he was with two, like,

350. very clean lesbians. And he offered us double

351. the market value for the house.

352. Double, Frank.

353. You didn't accept it, did you?

354. No, but why not?

355. Double? It's got scam

356. - written all over it. - Happy Father's Day.

357. - Oh, sorry.

358. Sorry, Sammi. Sorry about that.

359. Frank, can you imagine what we can do with that money?

360. We could go anywhere. We could travel anywhere,

361. anywhere in the whole world, and she would never be able

362. to find us.

363. She would never find us.

364. God kills soldiers! Because America loves faggots!

365. The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.

366. God kills soldiers! Because America loves faggots!

367. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

368. God kills soldiers! Because America loves faggots!

369. He leadth me beside the still waters...

370. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

371. - God kills soldiers! - I will fear no evil...

372. Because America loves faggots!

373. - ... for though art with me. - God kills soldiers!

374. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

375. Ian, you are in uniform and you're wanted by MPs.

376. Can you not make a fucking— Hey, hey!

377. - That's making a scene. - Hey, shut the fuck up!

378. - What are you doing? - Oh, you—

379. What are you doing? What are you doing?

380. They call themselves a church. I'm gonna bash their fucking

381. - heads in with Jesus. - That's a terrible

382. - fucking idea... Shut up. - Motherfuckers.

383. - Are you okay, son? - Fuck you!

384. You can't wear the uniform and wield a cross

385. - as a weapon, soldier. - Oh, I'm the problem, huh?

386. I'm the fucking problem?

387. You're protecting these assholes!

388. Listen to me.

389. I hate these pricks too, but you need to settle down

390. or I'll have to call your commanding officer.

391. - It's Gallagher, is it? - No, we— we're good.

392. We're good. Thank you.

393. I got him. I got him.

394. Stop. You want to fuck them up

395. then we need a plan.

396. We can do more damage if we have a plan.

397. Let's go home and make one.

398. God kills soldiers! Because America loves faggots!

399. Let's go. Go.

400. They offer any money up front? Cash today?

401. No. And— and they had a realtor.

402. And he had business cards and everything.

403. Doesn't make sense.

404. Doesn't track.

405. Hey, Sammi!

406. No, Frank, no. Come on.

407. Don't get her involved in this.

408. Oh, calm down. She's got a good head

409. - for cons. - Oh, God!

410. - Yeah, pop? - Why would two dykes

411. offer double market value for this dump?

412. - What's the scam? - Not a scam.

413. An investment. Tribune named this neighborhood

414. an up and comer. Alls anybody's talking about

415. down at the Alibi.

416. - Oh, mother of God. - What?

417. You are not selling.

418. Hey, who was talking about sell—

419. Are you going to sell this— - Frank.

420. They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians

421. are the man moving in on our territory.

422. - Oh, great. - It used to be that a—

423. that poor folks could get a-a decent apartment

424. right near downtown. And then suddenly, it's moved

425. 40 blocks south. And then 80 blocks.

426. - Where does it end? - Well, maybe it ends

427. with you and me in an RV seeing the country.

428. This is just like with the Jews.

429. Ten years from now, they'll claim it "never happened,"

430. but it is happening. They want to move people in

431. who can pay taxes. So they push us out.

432. And eventually, we end up in a camp somewhere

433. - at the edge of civilization. - Oh.

434. A tent city built on old landfills and toxic waste sites.

435. And then they start passing out the smallpox blankets.

436. Oh, Frank, I mean—

437. Maybe that's the lesbians

438. - with more money. - Okay.

439. Or maybe it's competing lesbians.

440. - Wait, would you wait? - No, no, no, Frank.

441. Would you wait a second?

442. Oh, hello.

443. Hello. I-I— My name is Wade Shelton.

444. I'm looking for Frank Gallagher.

445. He was the recipient of my son's liver.

446. - Oh, oh, come in. - Thank you.

447. - Come in. - You can't have it back.

448. Oh, don't mind him.

449. That medical marijuana makes him a little loopy.

450. Hi, I'm Frank's daughter, Sammi.

451. - Hello. - Hi.

452. How can we help you, Mr. Shelton?

453. Oh, I-I-I don't want to bother you, but my wife and I

454. were going to have a little supper this afternoon

455. for all our son's organ recipients,

456. - a little celebration. - What a wonderful idea.

457. Thank you. Yeah, my way of...

458. having one last Father's Day with my boy.

459. And I'm so sorry for the late notice.

460. I-I really am, but well, we had a little trouble

461. tracking you down. I know this may seem odd,

462. but you organ recipients, you're all that we have left

463. of our son, so would you. Both of you—

464. - Are— are you Mrs. Gallagher? - I am, yes.

465. - I am Mrs. Gallagher. - Great, would you—

466. would you please come at 5:00?

467. - What are you serving? - Prime rib.

468. - My boy's favorite. - Creamed horseradish?

469. - Of course, yeah. - We will be there, good sir.

470. Oh, great, great. Thank you, thank you.

471. - Sure, let me see you out. - I would love to come actually.

472. Both of you. I don't think you're invited.

473. Ow, ow, ow, stop it.

474. No one's touching you.

475. Enough.

476. Your turn to hang with Liam. Don't let him drown.

477. Hi.

478. Hi.

479. You okay?

480. Are you lost?

481. Hey.

482. I think you lost one.

483. What?

484. Two, three.

485. I got all my kids.

486. - Hey, Will. - Dad!

487. Hey.

488. He's a good dad.

489. Miss your kid, huh?

490. Like a burn all over my body.

491. Order's up.

492. Boston creme and Java black.

493. - Are we that predictable? - Looked like another

494. - hangover day. - Do you you remember the orders

495. of all of your favorite customers?

496. Just the future rock stars.

497. Oh, you got no ankle monitor.

498. Yeah, free at last.

499. Oh, so you have no excuse to miss our show tonight.

500. - Dude, we eat here. - So?

501. So don't act like a dog in here.

502. Feel free to ignore him.

503. He's kinda hard to ignore.

504. - Dude, we eat here. - 'Cause I-I can't help myself.

505. You know, I think— I think she might be my Yoko.

506. So you're going to put me on a list?

507. Yeah. Check it out, hmm.

508. Oh, you can bring your man too.

509. - That's cool. - He's not my man.

510. Just my boss.

511. - So you do believe

512. in letting them cry it out?

513. Believe? No, I think it's child abuse.

514. But sometimes I think it's, how you call it?

515. "Necessary evil." Like waxing pussy.

516. Yeah, I totally agree with you.

517. Especially with two. Sometimes it's like, fuck!

518. Yeah, I cannot imagine having two.

519. What are you talking about? You're about to have two.

520. No, a surrogate. I rent uterus like youth hostel.

521. That's cool. Yeah, my mom-in-law

522. did something like that for us.

523. Except she kept the baby, which is kinda wrong.

524. - Don't do that. - No, I get money.

525. Half to start, half to deliver.

526. I will deliver.

527. You know, this is cool. Hanging out with you,

528. talking about all this baby stuff.

529. You know, at first— Come here, honey.

530. To be honest with you,

531. I always thought you were just some handjob whore.

532. Oh, it's okay. I thought you were

533. - illiterate bartender pimp.

534. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow.

535. You know, you need haircut.

536. Yeah, I know. But V likes it long.

537. - Come in.

538. Hey Debs. Do you know Svetlana?

539. Of course, she's my brother's lover's baby mama.

540. Right. What do you want?

541. There's a rat in the pool. Can you fish it out?

542. I am done with the public pool for the rest of the summer.

543. Sure, no problem. But can you watch Amy and Gemma

544. for a while? A swim sounds nice.

545. - Why you done with public pool?

546. Someone shit in it?

547. No.

548. Someone shit on you?

549. Sort of.

550. Can you teach me how it all works?

551. How what works?

552. How you make guys want you,

553. and when they do, what do you actually do?

554. I mean, I've seen porn, but I'm not sure I understand

555. all the technicalities. And you're a professional,

556. so I figure you're the best person to ask.

557. And please don't accuse me of being retarded or a child,

558. - because I'm neither.

559. We could see Karen. And Jody.

560. We could see Mount Rushmore.

561. We could go see where the— where the aliens landed

562. in New Mexico.

563. Or— or— or we could see The Burning Man.

564. The Burning Man, Frank. And mostly, Frank,

565. we could get away from Sammi.

566. Please, Frank, please. Please don't fight me on this.

567. Because she just brings something out in me.

568. I don't fully understand it.

569. It's hate.

570. It's hate.

571. I hate her.

572. I hate your daughter, Frank.

573. And I'm willing to sell this house that I love

574. - to get away from her. - Shiels, I get it.

575. - Yeah. - I-I-I get it.

576. Sammi is a tough nut to learn to love.

577. And if we're being honest, I have heretofore failed

578. on that front myself.

579. But I will not participate in the destruction

580. - of my neighborhood. - Oh!

581. No, I will be remain here on the South Side

582. of Chicago, and launch my beer,

583. which will be a far greater legacy

584. than any "Burning Man" will ever be.

585. I want to see The Burning Man!

586. I want to see The Burning Man!

587. I don't get it. Is he alive and burning?

588. Does he burn himself a little bit each day?

589. I don't know! I don't know how he burns or—

590. I don't know. And I-I want to know.

591. I want to know!

592. I-I know.

593. Hey. What's going on?

594. I see plenty of fucking peashooters,

595. but do we have any, uh, full automatic weapons?

596. Grenades?

597. Okay. All right.

598. - What? - You got any armor piercing

599. - ammo? - Why?

600. Because I fucking need some, that's why.

601. Yo, you need to get your bitch in line, man.

602. Okay, here's what we're going to do.

603. We're going to call in some guys I know.

604. They're veterans who are sick of this shit, just like us.

605. They'll fight with us. And then, we'll burn down

606. that whole fucking church with all the

607. homophobic trash inside.

608. - He's freaking out. - You think?

609. - Fuck. - Is he on something?

610. I fucking wish.

611. What do we do? Call Fiona?

612. Think Fiona can stop him from going postal

613. - on a bunch of churchgoers? - Well, I think he's sick

614. - and she's dealt with it before. - She'll send him

615. to a fucking shrink. No.

616. We fix this ourselves.

617. Yo, Private Ryan. I got a plan.

618. - That's the day, guys, thanks!

619. Gallagher, you're still upright.

620. - Yeah. - Didn't see that coming.

621. Hey, who had him making it the whole day?

622. - Not me. - No chance.

623. - So the pool's mine? - No, fuck that.

624. The pool buys us all a round at the Alibi.

625. Yeah, I'd get some bleach on that phone if I was you.

626. He had it in the port-a-john for an hour.

627. Shut the fuck up, Sullivan.

628. Hey, we hit the showers,

629. and then we go to the bar, College.

630. Unless you think you're too good to drink with all of us.

631. No, I'll see you guys there, all right?

632. - All right. - All right.

633. All right, get the fuck out of here.

634. Hey, dad. I'm ready.

635. For God's sake, Sammi, have some pride.

636. You're not invited to this dinner.

637. Sheila, it's fucking Father's Day

638. - and I'm his goddamn daughter. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nellie.

639. Sheila, Sammi, let's make this a whole family event.

640. - Oh. - Hey, I'm sure there's plenty

641. of prime rib to go around.

642. Why don't you run in and get Chuckie?

643. Thank you, daddy.

644. Thank you. Chuckie!

645. - Come on, baby! - She wasn't invited.

646. - Wait. - We're going out with grampa.

647. - Run. - What?

648. - Run. Now. - Oh.

649. Lip?

650. - Hey. - You're soaking wet.

651. Yeah, well, uh, wet beats hot.

652. That a come on?

653. - You look, um— - Like a church girl?

654. - Yeah. - Oh, good, that's the point.

655. How's Ian doing?

656. Not great. But we have it covered.

657. I think... at least today.

658. Well, let me know if I can, uh—

659. Yeah, I will.

660. Hey, you, uh, you got a girlfriend?

661. Well, I— I'm around, this summer, if you wanna—

662. Just— just don't call 'cause Kenyetta, you know.

663. - Right. - Come by my work

664. - if you want to hang. - Okay.

665. You look really pretty, Mandy.

666. Hey.

667. Here we go.

668. Okay, baby.

669. Do like we talked about.

670. I'll give you some privacy.

671. Excuse me, I-I really need to talk to the Pastor,

672. - is he around? - Hold up your arms.

673. - Sorry? - Gotta check you for weapons.

674. Hi.

675. There are no dues or fees for NA membership.

676. We are self-supporting through our own contributions.

677. NA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics—

678. - I thought I might find you here.

679. Two meetings in one day?

680. Well, I didn't get that much

681. out of this morning's meeting.

682. 'Cause I was sitting next to this guy I really like.

683. You want to go see a band with me tonight?

684. That was me asking you on a date.

685. Yeah.

686. 'Cause I figure you kinda can't ask me out,

687. you know, 'cause I work for you.

688. And you know how well it went for me

689. last time I dated my boss, but...

690. I got my ankle monitor off, and...

691. it feels like progress.

692. I don't know. I thought, "What the hell?"

693. So...

694. I'm asking.

695. Are you gonna answer?

696. Can I answer after the meeting?

697. There's no crosstalk at this meeting.

698. Who would like to start reading?

699. That's a good one there. Beautiful.

700. I'm telling you, isn't that something?

701. - That's a better one. - These are.

702. I bet the chicks love that.

703. - And you can make it move. - Oh.

704. Okay, interesting story. This was a screw-up.

705. She got some pain and just— oh, my kidney.

706. Again, I'd li— I'd like to— I'd like to thank you

707. all for coming. Uh, I really wish that...

708. you all could have met David.

709. He died bravely, the way he lived.

710. He was fighting off a home invader.

711. I really wish that I'd taught him to run

712. - instead of fight. - That's true, right?

713. Wade? Dinner's about ready.

714. Here she is. Here she is, everyone.

715. This is my wife, and David's mother, Laura.

716. Laura, this is...

717. David.

718. Hello, everyone. Thank you for being here.

719. It means a lot. To my husband.

720. Laura, I'm— I'm Frank. I'm the liver.

721. Oh, yeah, and I'm— I'm Sheila.

722. - I'm Frank's wife. - I'm Harold, the lungs.

723. Hi, I'm Alice. I'm the corneas.

724. Hello.

725. - Oh, fuck! - Hi, everyone.

726. I'm Frank's daughter, Sammi,

727. and this is his grandson, Chuckie.

728. I am so sorry if we're late.

729. Chuckie had to go number two real bad,

730. so, we lost a little time.

731. My mother's heartbroken.

732. My father, he started drinking again.

733. And my brother, he won't listen to reason.

734. Why would he choose faggotry over his family?

735. Why?

736. It's a sin that destroys, Mandy.

737. And you have to cut that sinner out of your life.

738. I'm just under 30 days clean.

739. And I still think about using every day.

740. Because it's a constant temptation.

741. Like a yearning.

742. I feel it in my stomach and my skin.

743. No, no, no. Forget it.

744. Bullshit, man!

745. - It was not my idea. - Fuck that, I don't care.

746. Come on. It's the only way to do it.

747. - Somebody's got to do it. - No way.

748. - There's another way. - Who's doing it?

749. - Not me. - I'll do it.

750. No, you'll go overboard and kill a son of a bitch,

751. - and you know it. - All right.

752. You do it. It's your idea.

753. That's exactly why I don't have to do it.

754. - It's my idea. - Listen, listen—

755. - I'll crush his fucking skull,

756. but no, I'm not playing this. It's too fucked up.

757. Fuck that, Ian's right. The son of a bitch

758. deserves to die.

759. I'll do it. I'll do it for my country.

760. For the army. For all of you.

761. I'll do it.

762. For your country.

763. Where the fuck is he? You were supposed to drug him.

764. Didn't have to. He's on his way.

765. Okay. Show me your face now.

766. - My face? - Your seductions face.

767. You have no mother?

768. - Uh, not really. - Okay.

769. Ooh, what's that for?

770. So I could do for you what my mother did for me.

771. My son was—

772. My son is the center of my life.

773. It just— it means so much to us to have you here

774. on this very painful Father's Day.

775. My first in 18 years without my boy, so—

776. That is such a coincidence.

777. Because this is my first Father's Day ever with a dad.

778. Well... okay.

779. Great meat, Laura.

780. - Cheers. - No.

781. I-I-I-I'm sorry, but ex— excuse me.

782. You— you are not supposed to drink

783. when you have a donor liver.

784. On the contrary, I've done extensive research,

785. and this liver will last me close to a decade

786. if I pace myself correctly.

787. Well, fuck it. Anybody got a smoke?

788. Oh, God.

789. Rat's gone, chlorine's in, pool is as good as—

790. - Holy shit. - Oh, he is man.

791. You try seductions face.

792. What the hell are you doing?

793. Put your tongue back in your mouth.

794. What is this shit?

795. Five minutes ago you were a baby.

796. Well, she looks good, yes?

797. Ah, I'm not answering that.

798. - But, this means yes. - You know, Fiona's gonna flip.

799. I'm not a baby anymore, Kev. Deal.

800. I can't would you put that down?

801. Why is there a condom on it?

802. Oh, and what about you, huh?

803. Your wife no like pain, so she takes breasts away from babies.

804. You don't like pain, so we take hair away from babies.

805. Come on, who wears testicles in family?

806. You or wife? Huh?

807. Yeah.

808. Hey.

809. Hey.

810. - Hey. - Oh, what time is it?

811. Jesus, you scared me. Did you take something?

812. Oh, yeah, a job for illegal immigrants and convicts.

813. - Oh, shit.

814. You want to drink the pain away?

815. I was thinking I might go see this band.

816. And Sean blew me off so—

817. You and Sean, you're a thing?

818. I thought, maybe. But... who knows?

819. - You want to go? - I can't.

820. - I gotta go to the Alibi. - Why?

821. It's a job requirement.

822. Ow.

823. Hey, V, it's Fiona. Want to cut out of work

824. and come dancing?

825. Carl let me in.

826. Did I overstep? Freak you out?

827. No.

828. I just can't.

829. I want to, Fiona.

830. But I just can't.

831. You can't come see a band with me?

832. No, I-I can't anything with you.

833. - You're, uh... - What?

834. Dangerous. You're dangerous.

835. Look, I know that there's a thing like you're not

836. supposed to date newcomers or whatever, but...

837. I'm not really a newcomer 'cause I'm not really

838. a drug addict, so...

839. You won't be damaging me by dating me.

840. No, I— I'd be damaging me. See, you go to these meetings

841. because the judge ordered you too, and it's fun,

842. and you learn a little something.

843. But for me, those meetings, uh,

844. you know, they saved my life.

845. Literally, every day. Save my life.

846. Okay. I get it, I get it.

847. I'll stop flirting in the meetings.

848. It's not just the meetings, you know, it's chaos.

849. - Just chaos follows you around. - But I'm doing better.

850. You took your monitor off yourself.

851. - So? - So you should have waited

852. - for the PO and you know it. - That's a technicality.

853. You're going to judge me for that?

854. No, I'm not going to judge you for that,

855. I'm going to want you for that.

856. I find it charming as fuck

857. that you took a screwdriver to your monitor,

858. and I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip

859. - before lunch today. - Are you making fun of me?

860. No, it's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona.

861. And I'm a junkie junkie, so I love chaos,

862. and when I get into chaos, bad shit follows.

863. - And women like you— - Women like me?

864. Yeah. Wo— Hot, sexy,

865. irresistible,

866. fun,

867. troublemaking,

868. chaos causing,

869. women like you...

870. were my drug of choice long before I got into smack.

871. It's funny, in fact.

872. It was a woman just like you shot me up the first time.

873. - I would never do that. - No, I know.

874. But you're a slippery slope for me, Fiona.

875. I coulda beat that guy to death this morning

876. 'cause he didn't tip you.

877. And it's not your fault. That is not on you.

878. That's on me.

879. But I-I have a son.

880. And I won't risk my relationship with my son

881. no matter how badly I...

882. want to do very, very bad things

883. both to and with you.

884. I'm not just chaos.

885. I'm better. I've changed.

886. I think I could be really good for you.

887. I hope you keep coming to these meetings

888. 'cause I think they help everyone.

889. But I'm asking you—

890. I'm really asking you, Fiona.

891. Just sit somewhere else when you do.

892. Hey.

893. Oh, my God. Is that Amy on your tit?

894. Who can tell them apart?

895. Come here, baby. Kevin!

896. What's up, babe?

897. What? What the—

898. What happened to your head? Wh— what the fuck?

899. You have no idea how good this feels.

900. We should shave our head every fucking summer.

901. What? I— Wait.

902. Okay. First of all,

903. why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?

904. All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana.

905. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.

906. You coulda called me. I would've brought you

907. some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out

908. - and got some. - God didn't make formula,

909. Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.

910. Hey. What's going— Oh shit. Kev.

911. Hey, Fiona. Hey, V.

912. Oh, my God.

913. - Oh, my God. - Debbie?

914. - What the fuck? - Did you do this?

915. Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap.

916. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.

917. What happened to your hair? If it was lice again,

918. - I could have washed it. - No, no, it was hot.

919. And the kids were pulling on it.

920. I loved that hair. That— that was my hair, Kev.

921. I— How could you do this?

922. How could he do this?

923. V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

924. You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.

925. Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go.

926. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.

927. Who the fuck are you?

928. It's just a fucking haircut.

929. Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go.

930. See you, Kev.

931. Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl.

932. It's still a sin of the flesh.

933. But God wants my mouth on you.

934. He wants you to feel his love through me.

935. Look away, Pastor.

936. I don't want you to see me sinning.

937. I don't want you to think less of me.

938. But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.

939. But if you don't watch,

940. then I can pretend I'm praying.

941. Yes.

942. - Really fast. - What— what is this?

943. - That's a good one. - What are you doing?

944. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too.

945. And done.

946. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor?

947. That you thought you were getting blown

948. - by a teenage girl? - Oh.

949. - Or by God himself? - Oh, my God.

950. It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?

951. It's not just a haircut. It's you— you look like—

952. What? I look like a what?

953. Whoa, you look like a hooker.

954. - You think? - That is not

955. - a compliment, Debbie. - From Carl?

956. - Totally is. - Hookers are hot.

957. - See? - Debbie.

958. You're a smart girl. What are you doing

959. - hanging out with whores? - I don't know.

960. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation

961. for drugs?

962. Your friends still aren't talking to you?

963. What friends?

964. You know, your haircut

965. actually looks pretty cute.

966. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down

967. by at least half.

968. Fine.

969. What are you doing right now?

970. You want to come and see a band with me?

971. Yeah.

972. It was a long shower.

973. Oh, you pussied up.

974. Yeah, well, might have been some phone sex with Miami.

975. What are you guys building on top of the old nursing home?

976. I don't build. I'm just demo.

977. I'll tell you what it is.

978. I'll tell you all what it is.

979. It's a Starbucks.

980. Or some sort of artisanal juicery.

981. Or a whole fucking foods.

982. Just drop it, Frank, all right?

983. I'm talking about gentrification, my friends.

984. - Genital what? - I'm talking about

985. the beginning of the end. I have seen this before

986. on Fulton Street in '64.

987. On Kirby Street in '68.

988. Realtors started buying up property at better

989. than market value, and within a few months,

990. the whole neighborhood was over run with the gentry,

991. and we were forced out. Today, the urban gentry

992. is monied lesbians. They knock on your door.

993. They offer you twice what your home is worth,

994. and they do it 'cause they know something you don't.

995. He like this at home?

996. You think I'd let him live in my home?

997. Laugh, laugh. You won't be laughing in a year.

998. When you won't be able to afford to live here.

999. They move in, they take over.

1000. They kick the homeless out of the park

1001. as if they don't have a God given right to sleep there.

1002. We are dinosaurs, my friend.

1003. And a big, fat comet is headed for our sweet slice of earth.

1004. And that comet is a Starbucks.

1005. Oh, he didn't card me.

1006. - I must look hot. - You do.

1007. And I told you, you don't need those whore shorts.

1008. Come on, let's dance.

1009. Hey, 14 will get you 20.

1010. I hope you're here to apologize.

1011. I tried, Sammi. I've tried to be your friend.

1012. Because you're Frank's daughter,

1013. and Frank's my husband.

1014. But I realized today, I'm your step-mother.

1015. And so to be a good step-mother to you

1016. is to be a parent to you rather than a friend.

1017. So, as a parent, it's my responsibility

1018. to tell you that the reason people don't like you,

1019. and that your father doesn't want to be around you,

1020. is because you're very, very needy.

1021. I just think you should know that,

1022. and then you can work on it.

1023. You're needy and annoying.

1024. And slutty, and a bad mother.

1025. I think this belongs to Chuckie.

1026. Hey!

1027. Asshole.

1028. Aw, shit. Come on, Debs, let's go!

1029. - Oh, my God. - You want to dress like that

1030. and hang in bars, you gotta learn to run faster.

1031. That was insane, I can't believe you just did that.

1032. Holy shit.

1033. How'd he know?

1034. What's going on?

1035. Told you.

1036. Arr-ar-ar-aroooo!