Shameless 5x10

1. I'm raising five kids, and I didn't miss last week.

2. What's your excuse?

3. Carl!

4. My son is in jail,

5. and it is your fault.

6. I told them it was Carl,

7. and I told Chuckie to tell them it was Carl.

8. Pack your shit and get out.

9. I hope they throw the book at Carl.

10. MPs. They're coming.

11. They're coming to get me.

12. We got to get you to a fucking clinic to get some meds.

13. How long do I need to take these for?

14. 30, 40 years.

15. And you're interested in critical theory?

16. - Absolutely. - Come to my office later,

17. and I'll decide whether or not you can take my class.

18. - Sweetheart? - That's my husband.

19. - Who's this? - This is Lip.

20. Hungry? How would you like your omelet?

21. I don't want you as my friend. I want you as my boyfriend.

22. Look at me! I'm nice, funny, smart,

23. and I'd fuck up anyone that hurts you.

24. We start up the ice cream truck again.

25. Except this time without the truck.

26. - You okay? - Yeah. Just sad.

27. Can you, uh, be sad and roll joints at the same time?

28. I hate that I hurt you, and I want to make it right.

29. I need to get out. Think a little.

30. - I need a drink. - What's the occasion?

31. - Cancer. - Every day is an opportunity

32. - you don't get back. - Best two days of my life.

33. - Thanks to you. - Nicole's moving to Pittsburgh.

34. - What about Will? - He's going with her.

35. - You don't get a say? - According to the state

36. - of Illinois. - Your PO say something?

37. - Travel restrictions. - For Pittsburgh?

38. Can't leave.

39. 12 gauge on my waist 'bout to waste your cousin

40. fade away in the fog you a memory dog.

41. It's not working. Sorry, man.

42. - Fucking meds. - Yeah.

43. It could also be the toddler staring at us from the corner

44. or the jacked-up teenage girl down the hall.

45. Whatever. Try again later, man.

46. All right, breakfast of champs.

47. We got your mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic,

48. anti-depressant. Gatorade.

49. - Fucking nurse now? - Shut the fuck up.

50. Take the pills, bitch.

51. Hey, no caffeine. On your meds.

52. Hey. How are you feeling?

53. - Not feeling. - That's an improvement.

54. At least you're not swinging baseball bats at my head.

55. Stinks in here.

56. Yeah, that's 'cause the milk went bad.

57. Nobody put it away?

58. That milk is part of the Gallagher household,

59. of which I am no longer a member,

60. and therefore not responsible.

61. Then why are you still here?

62. Apartment listings. Calling around today.

63. What's up with the water faucet?

64. Guess nobody paid the water bill.

65. But I took a shower this morning.

66. Lucky you. They must have just shut it off.

67. Nobody made breakfast?

68. What's it look like?

69. What about groceries?

70. When is the last time anyone went shopping?

71. Who melted my spatula?

72. That's fine. Don't claim responsibility.

73. For anything.

74. - That's the Gallagher way. - Fuck.

75. - I'm not eating that. - Eat it.

76. Take all those pills on an empty stomach

77. and you're going to have diarrhea real bad.

78. I gotta poop.

79. Oh. So how do you like your crepes?

80. Savory or sweet?

81. Uh, no, you know, I'm still pretty stuffed

82. from last night's dinner, so I'm okay.

83. It's no trouble. I love to cook.

84. Because I'm good at it.

85. We generally enjoy doing the things we're skilled at, right?

86. - Uh, right. - So, the new boy, huh?

87. You do look like a Schiele portrait.

88. - Good morning, Dr. Wallace. - Good morning, love.

89. - Tea? - Please.

90. You're not eating?

91. - No, no, not really hungry. - Theo makes a mean crepe.

92. Yeah, I gotta go to the library anyway, so...

93. - This must be strange for you. - A little bit, yeah.

94. It's, uh, it's a little strange.

95. What can we do to make it more comfortable?

96. I'm not sure.

97. - You have questions? - No, uh, no, no, not really.

98. Boundaries that you feel warrant discussion?

99. No, uh, nothing I can think of.

100. Okay, just let us know.

101. Sure.

102. And I'll be in my office this afternoon

103. if you'd like to stop by.

104. On a Saturday?

105. You have some catching up to do.

106. Let's start with Foucault's discursive regime,

107. and we'll go from there.

108. Okay.

109. Uh, it was nice seeing you again, Dr. Wallace.

110. Oh, ho-ho-ho.

111. - Oh, I taste throw up. - Yeah.

112. You puked. About 3:00 AM.

113. For a gal who's never been drunk or high before,

114. you went at it hard.

115. Here. Peas for the noggin, Aspirin for the muscles,

116. honey-lemon for the tummy.

117. A little touch or bourbon. Hair of the dog.

118. Did we have sex?

119. Oh! No.

120. I slept on the floor. I wanted to make you breakfast.

121. All I could find was old Chinese food

122. and three jars of peanut butter.

123. Yeah. I eat it off a spoon for dinner.

124. Well, no wonder you got cancer.

125. Come on. Let's go grab a bite.

126. I know this divey joint that serves military-style

127. shit-on-a-shingle—

128. the greatest hangover remedy known to man.

129. - Cream chipped beef— - Stop. Out.

130. - Yes. Let's go. - You. Now.

131. What? Why?

132. Don't be ashamed. You are downright luminous.

133. - You need to go. - Oh, come on.

134. We had a blast. Didn't we?

135. You're my favorite dying person I've ever met.

136. Please.

137. Our chemistry is off the charts.

138. Don't try to deny it.

139. Okay. Thank you for yesterday.

140. - Hold on. - Good-bye.

141. No, no, come on. We're just getting—

142. Hey, come on. You know what I'm talking about.

143. Wait, just a—

144. God damn it.

145. Hey. I was just thinking about you.

146. Fun sexy stuff or mean hurty stuff?

147. Uh, neither.

148. - Where are you? - I'm at your place.

149. Watering your plants.

150. Not smelling your shirt.

151. - Which one? - Pere Ubu?

152. What... Say it again?

153. Fuck off.

154. It's nice to hear your voice.

155. Yeah, you too.

156. How are you doing?

157. In general or, like, about us?

158. Us.

159. Confused.

160. A little. You?

161. Same.

162. Where are you?

163. A rest stop somewhere in ass-butt USA.

164. Nice.

165. I got a gig at a little college tonight.

166. - Should be fun. - Cool.

167. Oh, shit.

168. Hey, the van's taking off. So you want to talk later?

169. We could Skype if you want.

170. Yeah, I get in the dorms like 4:30 or 5:00, try you then?

171. Okay. I'll wear something nice.

172. Nice like... hot nice?

173. Sure. You want to have Skype sex?

174. Yeah, I guess.

175. Could be fun.

176. Could be hot.

177. All right, look, I gotta run.

178. All right? We'll talk later.

179. Bye.

180. You're so damn adorable.

181. So are you. The adorable-est.

182. And you're an adora-babe.

183. I made you this.

184. It's from the parking lot of the supermarket

185. where you saved me from getting my butt kicked.

186. I used nail polish instead of paint.

187. - I want you. - You have me.

188. No, I want to have sex with you.

189. Oh.

190. - Really? - Yeah.

191. Wow. That's awesome.

192. - Are you sure? - Totally.

193. Because the last time I did it,

194. things got confusing.

195. I'm not confused. Are you?

196. No. I'm happy.

197. - When? - Tonight.

198. Okay. Where?

199. Wherever you want. Except my house.

200. My parents don't let me have girls in my room.

201. We can do it at my house. Nobody cares what I do.

202. - What time? - After dinner.

203. Come eat with us. We're doing barbecue.

204. - Okay. - Cool.

205. Cool.

206. Can you turn that crappy music down

207. and tell those fucking babies to shut up?

208. Hey, watch your mouth, college boy.

209. I got babies here.

210. Just one little bite. Come on.

211. Just one little bite. Hello?

212. One of my breast pumpers' boobies dried up,

213. so we'll be tight on funds until I find a replacement.

214. Okay, well, you know what? I hooked up with some

215. cheap-ass herb the other day, so I'll try to move it quick.

216. Oh, and Gemma, I don't know,

217. but she had a little sniffle earlier.

218. I think she's sick.

219. Can you, uh, use the nasal aspirator on her

220. before she goes to bed tonight?

221. Will do.

222. Dude, I gotta study!

223. Oh, it sounds like you have your hands full.

224. Yeah, kinda. I gotta go.

225. - Okay. - All right, talk soon.

226. Come on, bro. I was up all night, man.

227. They slept horribly too, you know?

228. The guy next door screams like a Polish grandma when he comes.

229. Why'd you bring 'em here?

230. Where else am I supposed to bring 'em?

231. I live here, bro. It's only one night a week.

232. - Are you even a student? - Not exactly.

233. I'm more like a refugee who sells weed.

234. Drug dealers don't get to live on campus.

235. Oh, yeah? Where does it say that?

236. Hey, Charlie Brown, go fuck yourself.

237. Linus is the one with the blanket.

238. Well, they both can suck dicks.

239. They're talking about turning your ass in.

240. Oh, are they now?

241. Okay.

242. Okay, I'll just pack my shit and go.

243. Yeah. But wait a minute.

244. What am I supposed to do with all these dime bags

245. that I was gonna sell for half price

246. for the next ten minutes?

247. Cheap weed!

248. Cheap weed, down here!

249. Whoo!

250. Five bucks for a dime bag?

251. - I want some. - Thin walls.

252. Here you go.

253. No, no, no. No weapons in juvie.

254. Pop rocks and fire ants.

255. Figure Carl could use them for self defense.

256. - Is that a thing? - Who knows?

257. I want to go to Planned Parenthood today.

258. I need you to come with.

259. For the pill?

260. Well, I thought that messed with your training.

261. It's whatever.

262. Are you and Derek having sex?

263. Not yet.

264. Well, why rush? I mean, it's been what,

265. - a few weeks. - I want to.

266. It's my body, it's my decision.

267. Debs.

268. I've been dating him longer than you even knew Gus

269. before you got married.

270. - I'll make an appointment. - Thanks.

271. Oh, FYI, water got shut off.

272. You should probably pay the bill.

273. Fuck!

274. You okay, man?

275. Yeah, yeah.

276. Damn.

277. Take this.

278. How'd that happen?

279. Yo, you need me to get you the first aid kit?

280. Why are women such capricious devils?

281. Is it simple biology?

282. They get emotional whiplash from all the hairpin hormonal turns?

283. - Harder, baby, yeah. - Okay, okay, okay, yeah.

284. Or are they just trying so hard to "lean in"

285. and "have it all"

286. they lose sight of their own humanity?

287. - Right there. - Okay.

288. Yeah. Yeah. Or, fuck.

289. What if evolutionarily they're programmed

290. to hold onto the past in order to educate their offspring

291. about the perils of going out—

292. Jesus!

293. Don't. Wait, wait. You stopping?

294. Yes, Captain Perceptive.

295. I bought you a boilermaker.

296. You'd have to buy me ten to suffer through that.

297. You gotta help me to get this woman out of my system.

298. Go stick your dick in an ice cream cake

299. and nurture your inner child.

300. I'm not your fucking therapist.

301. Trust a woman to do a man's job.

302. Water got shut off.

303. We gotta use your bathroom. I paid the fucking bill

304. but it takes two days for them to turn it back on.

305. You look pretty.

306. Having Skype sex with Gus later.

307. This distance thing is bullshit.

308. You're telling me. This is the longest I've gone

309. without seeing Kev since I met him.

310. About to burst into flames.

311. You guys talk about anything yet?

312. Sure.

313. "How was Gemma's tummy time?"

314. "When did Amy's hiccups stop?"

315. You stuff, I mean. Like, what you both want.

316. From each other.

317. I want the old Kev back.

318. The one who looked at me like the world stopped spinning.

319. He's there. He's just preoccupied.

320. Okay, ladies, listen up.

321. - I need help. - That's my cue.

322. Let's go. Poop time!

323. This woman is just tearing me up.

324. I just can't shake her.

325. Why are you a country song?

326. I treated her with respect

327. and she shat me out like yesterday's cheese steak.

328. The only thing you ever treated with respect

329. had a label and the word "Proof" on it.

330. Wait.

331. This that doctor from the other day?

332. Maybe.

333. What's the scam?

334. What kind of a man do you think I am?

335. There's always a scam, Frank.

336. All right, yes. I'm very good

337. at sticking it to the man,

338. but this woman...

339. I don't want to stick anything to her.

340. Except myself, but she won't let me.

341. Why would anybody want to be with you?

342. Well, why wouldn't they?

343. Chlamydia and herpes for starts.

344. Poor hygiene, alcoholism, lack of a moral compass.

345. Fine. But my good qualities vastly outweigh my bad ones.

346. Name one.

347. How about, uh, a lust for adventure, a bottomless libido?

348. - Jesus. - I show up with drugs,

349. companionship, pro-bono sex.

350. What more could a dying woman want?

351. This is for real?

352. How the hell should I know?

353. Make it like the world stops spinning when you look at her.

354. I tried that. It didn't work.

355. What else you got?

356. Well, thanks, people.

357. Hmm.

358. You were a big fucking help.

359. Hey. Hey.

360. What the hell's going on out there?

361. Yeah, I don't know. Saturday, I guess.

362. Look at you all studious in here.

363. - Get your tuition sorted? - Yeah.

364. I'm on all rosters and fully matriculated.

365. How'd you pull that off?

366. Deus ex machina, as they say.

367. Hmm.

368. And how's the lovely Ms. Muff Bulldagger.

369. - Fiery and full of lust. - Yeah?

370. Like a coked-up Amish teenager.

371. - Oh, that sounds exhausting. - Oh, you have no idea.

372. I'm thinking of going strictly dickly for a while.

373. You free later?

374. No, actually, uh, I got this thing.

375. Um, a school thing or a sex thing?

376. Um, uh, both.

377. Meaning?

378. I-I kinda got this situation with one of my professors.

379. Uh-oh. Which class?

380. It's crit theory.

381. - Professor Wallace. - Yeah, yeah.

382. Her and her hubby, they have this, uh, agreement, you know?

383. - They're— they're evolved. - Wait, her husband?

384. Yeah, yeah. It's actually— it's kinda great.

385. So you're having a relationship

386. - with a married woman? - No, no, no, no.

387. It's— it's not a relationship.

388. We just— we hang out.

389. Uh, she shows me art and stuff.

390. Hmm, are you falling for her?

391. No. No, I'm just having fun.

392. Well, then ditch her

393. and come play naked go fish with me.

394. I would, um,

395. just I got all this— all this shit to do.

396. No prob.

397. I'll see you around.

398. Okay.

399. Oh, PS I need my car back at some point.

400. Oh, God.

401. I'm trippin' out, man.

402. Hey, are you okay, man?

403. I love God... and icebergs.

404. What— what the fuck's wrong with him?

405. It's that trip-weed your friend sold us.

406. It wasn't normal shit.

407. It was synthetic marijuana, Dildo.

408. Laced with all sort of crap. It makes you lose your mind.

409. Oh, God.

410. What happened to your hand?

411. - Uh, burned myself. - Hold on.

412. - That's our lamp. - It's ugly and no one uses it.

413. Come here.

414. Come on. I'm not gonna bite.

415. Did you run it under cool water?

416. No.

417. Well, then you are shit out of luck in this house.

418. No water.

419. Ooh.

420. Gonna have a nice, fat scar.

421. It'll match the one I got in the army.

422. How'd you get that one?

423. I tried to hotwire a helicopter.

424. Burned myself on the starter.

425. You can hotwire a helicopter?

426. Not very good, apparently.

427. Got caught trying to steal government property

428. and that's why the MPs are after me.

429. Well, that and going AWOL.

430. And enlisting under a false identity.

431. And maybe other stuff.

432. Wow. Pretty hardcore.

433. No, just mentally ill.

434. God, this place brings back memories.

435. You've been here before?

436. Monica brought me here when I needed to go on the pill.

437. She was completely strung out on E.

438. She offered to give my doctor a blowjob.

439. - A female doctor. - How is that possible?

440. Well, obviously she didn't get very far.

441. Doctor was pretty butch. Honest mistake.

442. Everything looks good.

443. I'm gonna set you up on some starter pills.

444. Great. Thanks.

445. Now hold up a second 'cause this is no joke.

446. These don't begin to work for 48 hours.

447. So if you plan to have intercourse before then,

448. you must use alternate protection.

449. Okay.

450. I'll get those pills.

451. Really?

452. They're free.

453. Yo.

454. - Jesus. - Fucking amazing.

455. What the fuck is wrong with these kids?

456. The fucking weed you sold them.

457. Some shit called Spice.

458. That was Spice?

459. Oh, no wonder I got a discount.

460. This shit can last for hours, all right?

461. We need to keep everybody in the room,

462. lock the door, just wait it out.

463. Can you go sweep the hall, check for any stragglers?

464. Yeah, I got it.

465. All right, find any unopened bags, toss them.

466. If you have any left, get rid of it, all right?

467. Yeah. Aye-aye, Captain.

468. That's gotta be a metaphor for something.

469. This was the only straggler.

470. I think he's trying to find a portal.

471. All right, just close the door and lock it, yeah?

472. I am made of fire.

473. Look, if we call 911, we could go to jail.

474. I mean, we could both go to jail.

475. Why? We didn't force them to do anything.

476. A tiny floating sun.

477. They're grown-ups who made grown-up decisions.

478. No, most of these kids are minors.

479. Swirling ball of hot gases.

480. I can fly!

481. Hey!

482. What the fuck?

483. Oh, shit!

484. I think I broke my rhinoceros!

485. God damn it!

486. The one day all year I gotta shower, the water's off.

487. Give me your deodorant.

488. - Ran out. - Well, of course you did.

489. Why would anyone in this house make things easy on me?

490. It's no substitute for cleanliness,

491. but this will have to do.

492. I may have to scrub my junk at the Citgo.

493. Wish me luck.

494. Good luck scrubbing your junk.

495. Not with my junk. L'amour.

496. You're a dumb-ass, you know that?

497. Hey. I didn't know which Bs to get,

498. so I just got all the fucking Bs.

499. I got B-complex, super B-complex, B-12, B-6.

500. Whoa.

501. The hell happened to your hand?

502. Hey. What are you doing?

503. We're going out.

504. Did a doctor take care of that?

505. Come on, Mickey.

506. You can't go anywhere unless you get that looked at, man.

507. - Come on. - Okay, listen.

508. Either you can stay here and jerk off into your vitamins

509. or you can come with me.

510. It's your call.

511. Yes?

512. Frank Gallagher.

513. Jesus.

514. Hey. Hey!

515. You must be the homeless guy.

516. I have a home. Intermittently.

517. Who the hell are you?

518. Bianca's sister.

519. Party's over, asshole.

520. Go crawl back to your mattress beneath the overpass

521. and leave the sick girl alone.

522. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You have no idea

523. who you're dealing with, lady.

524. I am indefatigable. I take "Yes" for an answer.

525. I am tough as a buzzard.

526. Just you watch me!

527. Motherfuck!

528. Open your fucking window!

529. Open the window!

530. I can't offer you much,

531. but what I can do is— is be your chauffeur

532. on the limousine ride to the pearly gates.

533. My what?

534. I know how it feels to live like you're gonna die tomorrow.

535. I've been there.

536. I make each day feel like a wild ride

537. through the heart of the rapids at midnight.

538. If you want to squeeze every last drop of gratification

539. out of this world before you croak,

540. I'm your man.

541. - Frank, I'm— - Stick with me, woman,

542. and you will not go gentle into that good night.

543. Bianca?

544. Come on.

545. Oh, great.

546. Cock-blocking Laura Bush.

547. Fine!

548. You see this bottle of vodka?

549. I'm gonna sit over there

550. and I'm gonna sip it.

551. If you don't join me by the time I'm done,

552. consider my offer revoked.

553. - What time is it? - Just after 5:00.

554. Okay, listen. I know that you're not

555. - being intentionally rude— - Well, this is an emergency.

556. Can you get your husband, please?

557. What's the matter?

558. Hey, hey.

559. Come on.

560. Easy.

561. Jesus. What happened?

562. Hey, it's me.

563. The house is quiet.

564. Computer's on.

565. I'm wearing my lacy green thong.

566. Hit me back.

567. Hey, don't you have anything better to do with your time?

568. I'm supposed to be having hot Skype sex

569. with my husband, but he's MIA.

570. Tragic. What else?

571. I cleaned the house,

572. which was in shambles because that bitch

573. that claims to be my older sister

574. has been boycotting her domestic duties.

575. Oh, and I had to take Debbie to get fucking birth control today.

576. Holy shit. I'm glad I have a son.

577. How's he doing?

578. His mom called. Um, wanted to pick him up early.

579. Found an earlier flight.

580. He's just packing up some of the crap

581. I keep around here for him, you know?

582. Toys and stuff.

583. Oh, no. When is she coming?

584. In like 15 minutes.

585. I had to step outside just to keep—

586. just to keep my shit together.

587. Do you want me to come over?

588. No, I'm good.

589. - You don't sound it. - Yeah.

590. Well, I don't have a choice.

591. Hey, you know what, I gotta go.

592. - Where is he? - Who?

593. Your husband, the doctor.

594. That's why you brought this boy here?

595. Yeah, yeah. I thought he could help.

596. He's a doctor of theology, not medicine.

597. Fuck!

598. Well, what were you doing in there?

599. I called 911.

600. Hang tight, honey, okay? They're sending an ambulance.

601. Come here, come here, come here, come here.

602. - Why did you do that? - What did you expect me to do?

603. He's on drugs, okay?

604. He could get kicked out of school,

605. and my friend who sold him the drugs,

606. he's staying illegally in the dorms.

607. He could go to jail, all right?

608. - He's got three kids. - This boy is suffering.

609. He needs help, regardless of the consequences.

610. No, no, no. I gotta cover their asses.

611. Why?

612. - South Side rules. - You know what?

613. Drop the whole "noble thug" shtick.

614. You're covering your own ass and you know it.

615. You— you have a choice right now.

616. To recognize that you are a promising young college student,

617. not some ghetto outlaw.

618. You stop behaving like the world is out to get you

619. when it is so clearly dropping gifts at your feet.

620. Or you keep doing what you're doing

621. and you end up in a cell somewhere angry

622. and out of options.

623. No one at the K-Mart knows about my baloney.

624. You know what? Go back to your dorm.

625. If the paramedics ask any questions,

626. I'll say I walked out and he was just here.

627. Just help me move him.

628. - Are you sure? - Come on.

629. Okay, you have any neck or back pain?

630. - Come on, Joaquin. - All right, give me your hand.

631. - Come on. - Okay, come on.

632. They're gonna feel weird at first.

633. You're not gonna be able to tie your shoes,

634. put on jewelry, type on the computer,

635. but you'll get used to it.

636. Coins are the worst.

637. Try it.

638. Damn, Derek, your girl is quick.

639. She's a straight-A student too.

640. Is that right?

641. - I like school. - Me too.

642. Well, I used to anyways.

643. I had to drop out 'cause of Miles.

644. Ever wish you could go back?

645. Nah.

646. That little munchkin is the light of my life.

647. And this family. When Jake went into the army,

648. they took me in and loved me like their own.

649. But you're not Derek's sister?

650. I call her that 'cause she's like a sister.

651. But Jake's my actual bro.

652. I don't get along with my family.

653. My dad's in prison. My mom's a drunk.

654. I wanted so bad to belong to something warm and whole,

655. like these guys.

656. Nine months later, bam. I was in.

657. So you chose your own family.

658. Kind of.

659. Though I like to think that Miles chose all of us.

660. Hey, give me the bag.

661. Jesus, haven't been here since that time we banged.

662. Let's do some pull-ups.

663. Your hand, man.

664. I'm out of shape.

665. - Shotgun. - No, no.

666. Look, you're not supposed to drink on lithium.

667. It makes your blood fucking toxic,

668. and it gets you hammered in like two seconds flat.

669. You can't— Ow!

670. What the fuck, Ian?

671. I'm sick of your whiny, pussy crap.

672. I don't need a fucking caretaker, all right?

673. I need the shit-talking bitch-slapping

674. piece of South Side trash I fell for.

675. Where is he?

676. - The fuck is he, Mickey? - Fuck you.

677. Fuck me for giving a shit, you prick.

678. Give all the shits you want,

679. but the next time my dick is limp from all the meds,

680. don't go all, "Oh, it's okay, wah wah."

681. Just suck it harder, you faggot.

682. Fuck you!

683. You fucking dick!

684. That was the first time I've felt anything since, uh...

685. You look like a fucking wet rat.

686. Here we go.

687. I'm gonna throw it in the trunk.

688. Fiona, right? Hey.

689. You are so great to help Sean through this.

690. Of course. We're— we're buddies.

691. I really hate doing this to them, but I need the job.

692. It's got benefits and paid vacations.

693. Okay, punk. Say good-bye to daddy.

694. I love you.

695. It's only like three months, all right?

696. Won't be too bad.

697. Watch your fingers.

698. - Take good care of him, huh? - Okay.

699. Not the first place I would have hit

700. for a booze-free night.

701. Why not?

702. Great jukebox, surly bartenders, cork dartboard.

703. It's nirvana. Drink your coke.

704. How you doing?

705. - You keep asking me that. - You keep not answering.

706. I've said I'm fine. A lot.

707. - I don't believe you. - You don't have to believe me.

708. It's not your job.

709. It doesn't have to be my job.

710. You make it your job, though.

711. It's what you do.

712. You mean with my family?

713. Yeah, with everyone. Your family,

714. Jackie, your husband kinda-not-really or whatever.

715. 'Cause I give a shit.

716. 'Cause when you focus on

717. other people's problems it's a lot easier to ignore your own.

718. What's that supposed to mean?

719. Nothing. Just— just some NA bullshit.

720. I'm here because I like you, asshole.

721. You know, it's as if no one's ever said "No" to you,

722. and you can't stand it.

723. Now, you wait until your target's vulnerable,

724. - then you pounce. - What are you talking about?

725. Tell me what you're here for, Fiona.

726. - I just did. - Right.

727. You're worried.

728. It has nothing to do with the fact

729. that I wouldn't fuck you months ago?

730. Okay, if you're in a shitty place

731. and you feel like you gotta lash out, I get that,

732. but I am not the enemy here, so back the fuck off.

733. You heard the lady.

734. She don't want to go home with you.

735. Mind your business, dumb-ass.

736. You just call me a dumb-ass?

737. Bartender, can you serve this melonhead some IQ points?

738. - Sean. - What?

739. You got a real mouth on you, pal.

740. Yeah, most humans with a face do.

741. Why don't you go on back and keep banging your buddy?

742. I'm busy.

743. Oh! Shit. Okay.

744. Okay. Hey.

745. Hey!

746. - God! - Fuck. Stop.

747. Stop. Stop.

748. Stop. Come on.

749. Hey, stop. Stop it!

750. Hey. Stop. Stop.

751. Stop.

752. You okay?

753. - Ow. - This is funny?

754. No. Oh, fuck, he got me good.

755. You wanted to get your ass kicked?

756. Yeah.

757. Yeah. God. Just get out of here.

758. Fuck off, asshole. Get out of here.

759. Shit. Fuck.

760. Jesus Christ. Took long enough.

761. Are we good? No cops?

762. - No. No, not yet. - Bullet dodged.

763. Man, that shit was fucking crazy.

764. How's the Sun God?

765. I don't know. I'm gonna go check on him later.

766. Hey, listen, man, there's something—

767. No, I know what you're gonna say.

768. And I got it, from now on, clean bud only.

769. I'm gonna do quality control myself.

770. Yeah, no, no. It's just—

771. You know, I got my tuition covered now.

772. - That's awesome. - Yeah, yeah.

773. So, you know, I-I don't really need this extra income.

774. So, what? I can keep your cut?

775. Fucking awesome, man. You know, it's so cool of you

776. to let me crash here when you ain't

777. getting nothing out of it.

778. That's— that's actually

779. what I wanted to talk to you about.

780. Oh, shit, what? You're kicking me out?

781. Kinda.

782. For good?

783. Kinda.

784. Come on, man. It was a minor mistake, okay?

785. - It won't happen again. - I know, I know.

786. And I'm— I'm sorry.

787. Dude, you asked me to come out here and sell drugs.

788. - I was doing my job. - Look, this place

789. is actually starting to mean something to me.

790. - Good! - Okay, and I—

791. I don't want to screw that up.

792. Well, can I just crash here and not sell weed?

793. What are you gonna do? You just gonna keep boning coeds

794. until, you know, somebody reports us?

795. I don't have to bone anyone.

796. But, you know, people like me here.

797. I can be everybody's big bro.

798. They can come to me for real world advice.

799. Like, uh, gangster shit.

800. Crabs.

801. - I got nowhere else to go. - Go home.

802. You can hang with your kids. You can make up with your wife.

803. It's time.

804. I do.

805. I don't know how you can be so selfish.

806. Elizabeth, don't. Just don't leave.

807. You're not gonna.

808. - So selfish. - Oh, come on.

809. How can you say I'm—

810. Call me, okay?

811. What'd you do to her?

812. I told her I wasn't interested in chemo...

813. over and over.

814. And over.

815. Oh, I've literally never been this tired in my life.

816. It's not body-tired. It's like a psychic exhaustion.

817. Like I'm carrying the weight of this bloated irony.

818. "Woman dedicates practice to saving lives.

819. Can't save her own."

820. That is a cosmic fuck you.

821. My family keeps telling me to fight.

822. Stay strong. Be brave.

823. It's all battle language.

824. I've seen what chemo does to a body.

825. It's not a battle. That's a lost cause.

826. But truthfully, I am fighting.

827. For my goddamn dignity.

828. Why can't they see that?

829. For whatever it's worth, I think you're pretty brave.

830. You don't know me.

831. At all.

832. I know.

833. I have a shelf life.

834. I am aware.

835. Then why are you doing this?

836. I'm not exactly sure.

837. But I will never, ever ask you to do chemo.

838. Ugh! Okay.

839. What about "Think healing thoughts"?

840. Nope.

841. Or say, "You can beat this"?

842. Nope.

843. Or tell me how much you love me?

844. No fucking way.

845. Thank God.

846. Let's go get tattoos.

847. You sure your family doesn't mind if we have sex up here?

848. We could have sex on the kitchen table while they eat.

849. Nobody cares.

850. That's crazy.

851. Yeah. This is not a normal family.

852. Took me a while to figure that out.

853. I love yours.

854. I love you, too, I think.

855. Really?

856. I think so.

857. That's so sweet.

858. You're the sweetest.

859. Thanks.

860. How am I gonna get dressed every morning?

861. You'll have to call me to come over and help.

862. - Every day? - Sure, why not?

863. What about now?

864. You ready?

865. We don't need that.

866. I'm on the pill.

867. Okay. Cool.

868. Well, the swelling's going down.

869. You can just tell people you got hit by a bus.

870. Yeah. Good thinking.

871. Oh, easy.

872. Yeah. No, it's—

873. Something about intense pain

874. makes everything else come into focus.

875. I bet there's better ways to get that.

876. Drugs.

877. I'm kidding.

878. You're acting exactly like I was acting

879. when you called me a chaos junkie

880. and said you didn't want to be with me.

881. Well, I don't doubt it.

882. Yeah, I appreciate the patch up.

883. Um, I'm good. You can go now.

884. No way.

885. No, seriously. Thanks for the company.

886. You're great, but you— you can't baby-sit me forever.

887. I wasn't planning on forever.

888. How long were you planning on?

889. Until I feel like you're not gonna head

890. to Maypole and Kilpatrick the second I leave.

891. Okay. What if you never feel like that?

892. I'm not gonna leave until I know you're okay.

893. I'm sorry.

894. Fiona, I'm not— not okay.

895. I'm never gonna be okay.

896. It's a sickness.

897. It's permanent.

898. Nod— nod if you understand.

899. Thank you.

900. Go home.

901. Hey.

902. Hey, man.

903. How you feeling?

904. I'm doped up on a bunch of stuff.

905. Yeah, it— it could be worse.

906. Hey, man.

907. The guy they brought in before me?

908. He had his dick chopped off by his wife in his sleep.

909. Shit.

910. So I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

911. Comparatively speaking.

912. Yeah.

913. How bad's the leg?

914. It's a clean break.

915. Doctor said it will heal in ten weeks.

916. You know, my mom's coming in from Texas.

917. Oh, yeah? Is she— she freaking out?

918. Nah.

919. Broke my other leg when I was 15.

920. She's been through it before.

921. Hey, listen, man, did anybody come and ask you anything?

922. Well, the cops came by.

923. They wanted to know where I got the drugs.

924. Right.

925. I told them your buddy sold them to me.

926. - You did? - Yeah.

927. What was I supposed to do? I don't want to go to jail.

928. You know, they said he could get 40 to life.

929. Also, they're arresting his babies

930. for not shutting the fuck up.

931. Fuck you.

932. You should have seen your face.

933. No, you got me.

934. Cops here gotta deal with dickless chumps

935. and gunshot wounds.

936. They don't care about some college idiot who got stoned

937. and fell out of a window.

938. Right, right, right.

939. Thank you.

940. For what?

941. Well, you know, for not ratting us out.

942. It's all good.

943. Hey, where I come from, we got each other's backs.

944. Yeah!

945. Stand!

946. Yeah!

947. You got fucking trashed off one beer, bitch.

948. Yeah, I know.

949. Finally something good about this fucking disease.

950. Holy shit, I just realized something.

951. What's up?

952. We've never actually been on a real date.

953. - Bullshit. - No, I'm serious.

954. Like, like, a date where you sit down

955. and you go to a nice restaurant

956. and you put on a nice shirt, and you, like,

957. eat with utensils.

958. - You want to do that? - Yeah. Why not?

959. Like at Sizzler's?

960. - Sure. - You mean now?

961. Now before I sober up and get all fucking weird again.

962. - Come on. - All right.

963. Can I borrow a fucking shirt, then, please?

964. Yeah, you can borrow a shirt.

965. Good.

966. - Hi, Ian. - Hey.

967. - We're going on a date. - Fuck, yes, we are.

968. I'm gonna get a steak so rare,

969. it's gonna scream when I bite it.

970. Like...

971. Listen, listen, Ian, I want you to know

972. you are a really good kid with a big heart.

973. You have some hard times ahead of you,

974. but you're gonna do great.

975. Okay.

976. Gentlemen, this is Ian Gallagher.

977. I think they're ready to take him to jail now.

978. Why, Sammi?

979. Get the fuck— get the fuck off him.

980. Get off me, you son of a bitch!

981. Fuck.

982. Don't move.

983. - Behind your back! - Aah!

984. - You good? - Yeah.

985. Don't move.

986. You bitch!

987. Fuck!

988. You can't just drag him out of his fucking house!

989. - What the fuck is going on? - He's sick, for fuck's sake!

990. - Fuck! - Look! Look!

991. - Where are you taking him? - Whoa, hey, hey!

992. - Just fucking— Look! - Ian!

993. Tell me where the fuck you're taking him!

994. - He didn't do anything! - Ian!

995. It's a shame when someone you love gets taken away,

996. isn't it?