Shameless 5x1

1. You wanna know what happened on Shameless last year?

2. - Brothers... - Doctors.

3. - I came out. - He came out!

4. Fiona! He's not breathing!

5. Oh, my God. He got into my coke.

6. Fiona Gallagher, you have the right to remain silent.

7. I'm not guilty!

8. Liam almost died!

9. - How do you plead? - I'm guilty.

10. You will be under house arrest until further notice.

11. My liver's finally giving up.

12. Want me to steal you one from the grocery store?

13. Not ready to punch my ticket yet.

14. We're not a match.

15. Even my own daughter isn't a match.

16. Daughter?

17. This is Amy, and that's Gemma.

18. The nurses just left me like

19. we know what the fuck we're doing.

20. I'm not a little girl.

21. I'm ready.

22. Does this make you cray?

23. - Uh— you're too young. - Oh, my God.

24. - Where the hell were you? - The army.

25. Why'd you even go there in the first place?

26. Relationship issues.

27. You're sick of living a lie, aren't you?

28. I just want everybody here to know

29. I'm fucking gay.

30. You happy now?

31. College is a lot fucking harder than it looks.

32. You actually have to apply yourself.

33. Who exactly is Amanda?

34. My roommate's ex-girlfriend

35. who tried to blow me in my sleep.

36. She buys me shit.

37. Sounds like a keeper.

38. No more bullshit about baby.

39. You help.

40. Yo, it's after 5:00.

41. - How can you— - Jesus, leave me alone!

42. It could be bipolar disease like our mom.

43. He may have to be hospitalized.

44. No fucking way! He's staying with me.

45. Fiona never came home. She violated probation.

46. I fucked up.

47. It is my honor to declare you man and wife.

48. - I need everybody to move! - Is he dead?

49. - He's getting a liver. - Mrs. Gallagher?

50. - We're married? - Let me see my father,

51. - you bitch. - No!

52. You're camping in my yard?

53. The vacant lot next to your yard.

54. Get your stuff. You're out.

55. 20, 30— Can't be about how much they screwed us up anymore.

56. Sounds kind of like AA.

57. Attendance is a condition of my parole.

58. Come on, let's go. You gonna be late for work.

59. Thanks.

60. Are you gonna go inside?

61. No.

62. I'm alive, motherfucker!

63. - Sheils. - Hmm?

64. What's he doing in our bed?

65. Who?

66. Him. His pecker's poking me in the back.

67. Oh, Sammi picked up some guy at the Alibi last night

68. and kicked Chuckie out of her trailer.

69. Karen's room?

70. I tucked him in there.

71. He must've crawled in in the middle of the night.

72. Well, he's got to uncrawl.

73. Ow.

74. Oh, Chuckie, why didn't you stay in Karen's room?

75. I had a bad dream.

76. Well, you might as well get up and get ready for school.

77. And you mister, meds and vitals.

78. Can't.

79. Got to work on my project. Busy.

80. Frank, meds and vitals now!

81. Why they tearing it down?

82. Asbestos.

83. All right, I'm leaving. I've seen enough.

84. Wait, give me a ride home on the back of that thing.

85. Can't. Got to run an errand then going to school.

86. - I'm not. - It's the last day.

87. - You have to go. - Why,

88. so I can figure out how to flunk sixth grade again?

89. Yeah, I'll do that next year.

90. Come on, just give me a ride.

91. You can't even fit on my bike with that giant gimp leg.

92. These crutches are killing my wrists.

93. I can't even jack off that well.

94. Should've thought about that before you busted up

95. your ankle on your stupid skateboard.

96. See you.

97. Looks pretty good, huh?

98. It's perfect... Except for one thing.

99. What?

100. - Uh-oh. - Mm-hmm.

101. Looks like we're stuck in here

102. - forever. - Yep.

103. I guess we— we trapped?

104. - Yeah. - No way out.

105. That's right, we're trapped.

106. You're never gonna see any one of

107. Patsy's pies ever again.

108. Oh, Liam,

109. - this is our new home now. - Okay.

110. I'm gonna get the ladder.

111. Mm-hmm. Don't twist an ankle.

112. Please.

113. Don't worry.

114. - Ah!

115. - Impressive. - Thank you.

116. Thank you.

117. You ready to fill this sucker, Liam?

118. Yeah!

119. - Right on, here you go. - Yep.

120. All right, attach this end to the fire hydrant.

121. How are we gonna open the valve?

122. Gallagher ingenuity.

123. You got one of those lying around?

124. You don't?

125. Come on.

126. All right. Here, step aside.

127. This goes here.

128. - You want to help? - Mm-hmm.

129. Okay, watch your fingers.

130. Here it comes.

131. Ooh.

132. No, no, now, come on. I'm your fucking boss.

133. - Uh-huh. - Oh, no, no.

134. I may not have hired you,

135. but I sure as hell can fire you.

136. - No, no, no. - Yes.

137. Hold it— Give me that. Give me that.

138. No, no.

139. Sean, no, no. Ah! Oh, my God.

140. Oh, my God. I'm gonna hurt you.

141. - Boom! Boom, I say, boom!

142. - How did you get so wet?

143. - Don't you got to go? - I do.

144. In fact, I got to go take my son to school.

145. Come on, I got to get Will.

146. All right, tell him I say "Hi."

147. I will, I will. I'll see you for dinner.

148. - Okay. - All right.

149. We get it, morons. School's out.

150. - You're not even packed? - You look cute.

151. It's summer. You have a suitcase?

152. - It's right there. - Louis Vuitton?

153. - No, it's a Gucci. - What are you doing?

154. I'm filling out an application to be an RA in the fall.

155. - Really? - "Resident Asshole."

156. - Why not, you know?

157. It's free room and board, all the beer I can confiscate.

158. Well, you could just stay with me at my off-campus apartment.

159. My dad's paying. That makes it free.

160. You mean, like, live together?

161. Well, isn't that what we've been doing

162. for the last four months?

163. Yeah, but you got your own dorm room.

164. I'm gonna miss my plane.

165. Look, have a good summer, man, yeah?

166. You too, dude.

167. It's been real.

168. Let's get out of here.

169. It's the only one I could find in all the crap out in the yard.

170. Put it in the window.

171. You want scrambled or fried?

172. I like those puffy eggs you make.

173. Nika, we got baked eggs today.

174. Food is food.

175. - All the same to me.

176. Why's the baby crying?

177. Look at you.

178. Ooh, diaper full of poop.

179. - Da? - Oh...

180. - Is that what happened?

181. Don't want him covered in baby shit

182. on his first day of work.

183. We have baked eggs in the oven.

184. - Hey, moron, truck ready? - Yeah.

185. You stare any longer, I chop your dicks off.

186. Time to go play nicey-nice with surrogates,

187. meet them at the ultrasound.

188. They still think you're a kindergarten teacher?

189. Wheels on the bus go round and round.

190. Amazing what people with money will pay for.

191. After ultrasound, I go open Rub 'n' Tug.

192. You feed Yev breakfast, and you go to grocery store.

193. Got it.

194. Hey, Patel hit one of the girls yesterday,

195. left without pay.

196. - Dry cleaner Patel? - Uh-huh.

197. I'll take care of it.

198. Let's go.

199. No, no, no, guns.

200. Look, no hardware.

201. It's not that kind of job.

202. We're respectable now, remember?

203. Do you want this?

204. I'll meet you at the place later, okay?

205. I'll be there.

206. Better be.

207. Mm.

208. What the hell? I'm in here.

209. Gotta pee bad.

210. What's the point? Nothing's happening anyway.

211. Are you taking your medications?

212. Yes!

213. What are those for?

214. Anti-rejection, ulcers,

215. hypertension, high blood pressure,

216. depression, headaches, diuretic,

217. and apparently I need one for constipation now too.

218. A lot of pee.

219. Held it all night.

220. Are you weighing yourself?

221. I don't hear the scale.

222. I hear the scale now.

223. 155.

224. It says 147.

225. 155.

226. - You lie to your notebook? - Your grandmother

227. doesn't need to know I've lost some weight.

228. - Blood pressure. - Oh, Jesus!

229. Oh, why can't you girls just make this easy for me just once?

230. Girl, here, give me that thing.

231. Here.

232. Mama, stop. I'm not a cow.

233. Look, you got to grab this tit,

234. and you got to massage it

235. till you get the milk ducts flowing, girl.

236. I know how to do it. Stop.

237. How are my four favorite ladies doing and my little man?

238. Well, I got them big, brown flying saucers working.

239. That's right, Dominick, our job here is done.

240. - Bye-bye, D. - Say, "Bye-bye."

241. Bye-bye, D.

242. Ow. Amy, you biting me again.

243. What are you doing? Do not hit our daughter.

244. - It's just the nipple. - Just the nipple?

245. Let's see how you like it.

246. - Ow! What are you doing?

247. - Now look what you did. - What I did?

248. You're the one titty twisting and moving her all around.

249. - Shh. - Don't shush me.

250. Your turn. Hi, Gemma.

251. Here we go, baby.

252. We're gonna be good.

253. Let's try it, okay?

254. You gonna do better than your sister?

255. You okay? She hit you?

256. - Mommy hit you? - Okay.

257. - Ow! Now she's biting me. - V!

258. No, I'm done. No more breast feeding.

259. - What are you talking about? - I'm done.

260. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.

261. No. No, no, no, absolutely not.

262. We are not doing formula.

263. They will grow up with asthma,

264. and be short, and have no friends.

265. Kev, kids in this neighborhood

266. are raised on Kool-Aid and powdered milk.

267. Formula's a step up.

268. Gemma hasn't pooped in five days.

269. Formula will make it worse.

270. Oh, God!

271. I'm just so sick of this.

272. It's "Baby" this and "Baby" that.

273. You get to go to work all day, and I'm stuck here with "Whiny"

274. - and "Screamy."

275. Just— Here, she's driving me crazy.

276. I'm done.

277. I need some air.

278. What just happened?

279. Hey, sunshine. Liam and I are meeting Ian.

280. You want to come for a run with us?

281. No, I don't want to go for a run. I can't go for a run.

282. I probably won't be able to go for a run for another 18 years,

283. not that I even ever went for a run, but if I wanted to,

284. these milk jugs would give me two black eyes.

285. Rough morning?

286. I am covered in puke and piss and vomit.

287. The other day I rubbed my eye,

288. and I realized that there was baby poop

289. underneath my fingernail.

290. I want my boobs back. I want my life back.

291. I want my husband back.

292. You haven't gotten laid lately, have you?

293. You're one to talk. You even fucked Sean yet?

294. Nah, just friends.

295. I'm too gun-shy after going to jail.

296. What's your excuse?

297. I'm too tired. Kev's too tired.

298. One kid is screaming. The other one is colicky.

299. I don't even know what colic is,

300. but everybody says it.

301. Go home, take a shower,

302. put on something slinky,

303. and seduce your man.

304. A little sex is gonna put everything into perspective.

305. Ugh. I'm not in the mood.

306. Fine!

307. I will go home and fuck my husband.

308. Maybe with a little more enthusiasm?

309. Sure you don't want to take my Beamer for the summer?

310. And what, park it in my neighborhood?

311. Yeah, not unless you want it back fully stripped.

312. Too much of a commitment, huh?

313. Off-campus apartment, car.

314. I got you something.

315. Thank you.

316. - It's a watch. - Fossil.

317. They tried to get me to engrave something queer like,

318. "Until The End Of Time."

319. Or "Make Every Second Count."

320. Are you gonna date other people over the summer?

321. Don't know.

322. You?

323. I don't know.

324. I guess it's settled then.

325. I guess so.

326. Bye.

327. - Here. - Oh, thank you, Frank.

328. I need a clamp or something.

329. Look at you.

330. You've done a wonderful job

331. maintaining your weight, Frank.

332. Yeah, a regular blimp.

333. How are your headaches?

334. You can't feel a person's headache by touching his head.

335. That's true.

336. How's the depression?

337. The doctor says exercise could help.

338. - I could do it with you. - Sheils, Sheils, stop.

339. Every morning, okay?

340. Okay.

341. That's what I need.

342. I made breakfast.

343. No, do we have any bacon?

344. I need it for my project.

345. No, just French toast. Would that work?

346. I'm not hungry.

347. Are you experiencing a loss of appetite?

348. No, I— Christ!

349. Oh.

350. What happened to that socket wrench?

351. Frank, what— what is this secret project of yours?

352. Well, it wouldn't be a secret if I told you.

353. I like French toast.

354. Oh. Ah, well, you know what?

355. I bet your mom is home making breakfast.

356. Why don't you go see?

357. - Morning, dad.

358. Want me to go get you medications?

359. Oh, he did that ages ago.

360. I could help you

361. with your blood pressure, take your temperature.

362. Done and done by those of us

363. who didn't have a man in our trailer

364. - and kicked their son out.

365. That's Rinaldo.

366. I left him alone in the RV to do his morning constitutional.

367. Come in! Dad, come say hi.

368. - Hey, babe. - Mm-hmm.

369. Dad, you know Rinaldo.

370. - Frank. - Hi.

371. Well, we don't have enough food for your friend.

372. Oh, that's all right. I'll just take Java.

373. You can have some of mine.

374. - Are you my father? - Don't think so, kiddo.

375. Frank! Frank!

376. You have got to do something about your daughter.

377. She's dying for parental boundaries.

378. Dad, can you take your grandson to school today?

379. Uh, can't. Work.

380. I could come down and help you—

381. Guess Rinaldo and me will have to find

382. something else to do then.

383. - Oh.

384. Uh, hello?

385. Um, hi.

386. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

387. Um, I know that you're acting out your father issues

388. by dying your hair with that trashy peroxide

389. and dry humping that man on my couch,

390. but I don't think it's nice

391. to expose your child to this behavior.

392. You're not my mother.

393. My hummel!

394. I could go for a hammer.

395. It's a hummel, not a hammer.

396. You know how expensive this was?

397. What's in here?

398. You know what? Why don't we, um—

399. Why don't I just take you to school?

400. - Mm.

401. A yoga studio in this neighborhood?

402. Probably just a front for some drug laundering operation.

403. Hey, did you have a chance to call that doctor?

404. - Which one? - From the clinic.

405. No, no. I'm good.

406. Well, probably the best time to go when you're feeling good.

407. - Why is that? - Just to have a plan of action

408. for when things aren't so good again.

409. Just a one-time thing.

410. Don't you want to have a doctor tell you that?

411. Just give you some meds, do a few tests.

412. Look, I don't have what Monica has.

413. I know. It just seemed similar.

414. Mood swings, depression.

415. There's too much coke down at the club.

416. I mean, that shit makes you crazy— highs and lows.

417. I've cut way back.

418. Good. Good.

419. Odds are one of us is gonna get it, right?

420. It's not our fault, just fucking genetics Russian roulette.

421. I'm betting it'll be Carl.

422. Race you to the lamp post!

423. Um, excuse me, may I give you one of these?

424. Uh, no, thank you. I already accepted Jesus

425. as my lord and savior.

426. Try three houses down. They're Muslim.

427. Good job, Debs.

428. Yeah.

429. We said a dollar, right?

430. Yeah, if I were still five years old.

431. 10 bucks, cough it up.

432. All right. But for this amount,

433. I'm gonna need your help tonight.

434. Can't. Family dinner at Fiona's restaurant.

435. Lip finished his first year of college.

436. Hey.

437. I'll be there.

438. I don't think you're invited.

439. Do you know if we have any bacon at home?

440. Maybe.

441. What are you doing down there?

442. You'll know soon enough.

443. Meet me in the park later.

444. We'll go to the restaurant together.

445. Oh, daddy, you caught me.

446. Am I in trouble?

447. Hey, babe, you feeling better?

448. Shower did me good.

449. What you doing?

450. Just online before I have to go to work.

451. I've got something better you can do before you go to work.

452. Ooh, @bensmommy just responded to my question.

453. What?

454. Yeah, I'm in a Mommy And Me chatroom,

455. and I'm asking these women

456. how to get the twins to stop biting your nipples.

457. I know how to get 'em to stop— Feed 'em formula.

458. It says here that if you rub your nipples

459. with a loofah 20 minutes a day,

460. - it'll toughen them up. - Ken.

461. I'm gonna ask them how to get Gemma to start pooping.

462. - Kevin Ball. - Yeah, what?

463. Put the computer down right now.

464. Yes, ma'am.

465. Wait— wait a minute.

466. - You hear Amy crying? - She'll calm herself.

467. - Are you sure? - Yeah.

468. I read it in a Mommy And Me chatroom.

469. Are you fucking with me?

470. A little.

471. But I'd like to fuck with you more.

472. Mm. Oh.

473. Yes, please.

474. Mm.

475. - What are you doing? - What?

476. You're not even getting hard.

477. I— I don't know what's wrong with me.

478. You're more into the babies than you are me.

479. - No, it's not true. - I bet you

480. if they were here sucking your dick you'd be into it.

481. Jesus, V, do not talk about our angels like that.

482. You'd rather be on a website than let me suck your dick?

483. Ugh. I'm sorry that I care about their well-being.

484. - What about my well-being? - Look, we had two babies.

485. Life is different now.

486. I'll show you different.

487. What are you doing?

488. I'm going to work at the Alibi.

489. You can stay here.

490. - What? - Good luck taking care

491. of your babies. And we need formula!

492. Hey, careful with those barcaloungers.

493. You got it, boss.

494. Looks like you have everything under control here.

495. Yes, ma'am.

496. We're gonna head up to the Bridgeport house.

497. Okay. Shouldn't take us much longer.

498. We'll meet you there in a few hours.

499. You will be careful with the piano?

500. Absolutely.

501. Hey, tie those down.

502. We don't want them moving around.

503. Bye, little guy.

504. Debs, Carl, what's going on?

505. I hate you stupid bitches!

506. Well, how was your last day of school, Debs?

507. Is there anything you want to

508. - talk about? - No.

509. Yo, Fuck Wad.

510. Hey, what's going on, Stumpy?

511. - I got some new piercings. - Yeah, I can see that.

512. And I picked up some herb for our guys.

513. - You want to come? - Eh...

514. Yeah, sure. Look,

515. I'm just gonna be over there if you need anything, okay?

516. Look who I found trolling the streets.

517. Yo.

518. - There he is. - Oh, there he is.

519. Lip, heard you been up at college or some shit?

520. Yeah, yeah. I've been over there a while.

521. What's going on with you guys?

522. - Same old crap. - Yeah.

523. Did you bang a bunch of coeds up at school?

524. Yeah, sure.

525. Hey, you still at your dad's chop shop, Wayne?

526. Ah, when he gets the work.

527. Towelheads are getting most of the scrap now.

528. - Stumpy knocked up Gloria Hu. - Oh, shit.

529. She squirted a kid out, like, two months ago.

530. I ain't convinced it's mine though.

531. I'm saving up to get one of those DNA tests.

532. Right.

533. - Look at that fancy watch. - Ooh.

534. They giving those out up at college?

535. No, I swiped it from a kid's dorm room.

536. It's the rich prick's fault for leaving his door unlocked.

537. Oh, look at this pretty lady,

538. some dust my uncle scored for me.

539. Put that shit on the weed.

540. Holding out on us.

541. Yo, guys, I got to split, all right?

542. - No, no, come on. - Hey, it's good shit,

543. did some last night at Lauren Chambers' party.

544. No, I'll hang later. I haven't been home yet.

545. All right, pussy, see you later.

546. Hook that shit up, Stump.

547. Here's your check.

548. Be right back to take your order.

549. Gonna have your food right out.

550. Hey, Angela.

551. - Hi, Fiona. - You know what you want?

552. I do.

553. I'll take the blueberry pie this time.

554. You got it. Cup of coffee?

555. Yep. How's life?

556. Been seeing anybody?

557. Nah. I'm boring these days.

558. - Doubt that.

559. Polo, can you get Angela a cup of coffee

560. - and a slice of blueberry? - Yes, Miss Fiona.

561. Adam, I swear I ordered it.

562. It's on the check, chicken parmesan.

563. No, come on. The customer's already

564. so pissed at me. What is going on?

565. Here, have my chicken parm.

566. Can you make another one fast, please?

567. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

568. That oriental chick, Angela,

569. just asked me how much you make here.

570. - I don't know what her deal is. - I do.

571. She wants some Fiona pie.

572. Is everybody okay?

573. Wanda's sexually harassing me.

574. Well, I'll spank her later.

575. Her? What about me?

576. Uh, the guys from Jezebel just came in.

577. - They asked for you. Table 13. - Oh, goodie.

578. Well, if you won't spank me, maybe their lead singer will.

579. Here you go, cheeseburger,

580. spaghetti and meatballs for the gentleman.

581. I'll get you another iced tea.

582. Okay, thanks.

583. Left you a hundred bucks again?

584. - Yeah. - Got to send her to my section

585. at least once.

586. - Hi, guys. - Hey.

587. - Hey, Fiona. - Hey, darling.

588. - Leftover pie? - Thank you very much.

589. You are so welcome.

590. Can you stare a little harder?

591. - Get back to work.

592. Hello?

593. Hello?

594. Hello?

595. Oh, God damn it!

596. What kind of a woman has sex in another woman's living room?

597. For God sakes!

598. Oh... no... she... didn't!

599. My sex toys? Ah!

600. Frank!

601. - Frank! - I told you,

602. I'm not ready to share my project yet, Sheils.

603. It's not about your project.

604. It's about Sammi.

605. Ever since you got better, she is really acting out.

606. A grown woman can do what she likes.

607. Well, she has real issues.

608. I mean, if you don't start playing daddy,

609. things are only gonna get worse.

610. I'm busy. Got a lot of work.

611. Well, Frank,

612. if you're not gonna do anything about it, then I don't want her

613. and that Chuckie thing in my house anymore.

614. Well, fine.

615. Whatever.

616. Really? That's it?

617. Sure.

618. What do I care?

619. Oh, well, good. I'm glad we had this talk.

620. What's going on, Ian?

621. How you doing?

622. Hey, Kev. What's up?

623. Just looking for something to get Gemma to go poop.

624. Oh, hey, Liam.

625. Hey, yev, uh, whatever your name is.

626. You got any suggestions?

627. Pureed pears and glycerin suppository work for this guy.

628. Diaper aisle.

629. Thanks, man.

630. Hey, let me ask you something.

631. You still breast feed?

632. I mean, well, not you, but I mean, you know, Svetlana.

633. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's into it.

634. It's, uh, good for the baby's immune system.

635. I knew it.

636. Plus, it's free, right?

637. Forgot that argument.

638. Are you cool with this dude cruising you?

639. Yeah, I'm fine.

640. All right, well, let me know if you want me to rough him up.

641. Okay.

642. - About time. - Fuck you.

643. I didn't know she had a piano.

644. You know the deal. You got five minutes to look.

645. It's three bedrooms, some den thing.

646. It's a 60615 zip code.

647. It's good shit.

648. How much for the barcaloungers?

649. I got to do this with you again?

650. It's not a fucking antique road show.

651. You bid on the whole thing or nothing at all.

652. Shit.

653. I like barcaloungers.

654. Great, buy the truck and get your barcaloungers.

655. Think I'm gonna stand around here selling each piece

656. for 5 bucks like it's a fucking yard sale?

657. Give you 4 grand for the lot.

658. - 4. - I'll give you $4,500.

659. - Anyone else? - 5 grand.

660. $5,300. I want those barcaloungers.

661. - Yeah, we know. - Nah, I'm out.

662. Yeah, me too.

663. Sold to the man with the barcalounger fetish.

664. - It's all there? - It's there.

665. All right.

666. Need a ride?

667. You're late.

668. Grocery store was busy.

669. Come on, V, free pour like Kev does.

670. That's why the bar's losing money.

671. Yum, it tastes just like tonic water.

672. Lip.

673. Hey, V.

674. - Hey, Tommy. - Hey, Lip.

675. Sammi.

676. When did Sammi start hanging out at the Alibi?

677. That girl is hornier than a three-peckered billy goat.

678. Stop it.

679. So what brings you here, college boy?

680. Well, I came to get the details about the job.

681. Yeah, what job's that? Hey, get college a beer here,

682. - will you, V? - Demo'ing.

683. - Are you still doing that? - Yep.

684. About to start a big cleanup.

685. They knocked over Sunny Days on Halsted this morning.

686. Great. I'm in.

687. Like hell you are.

688. Well, you promised me a job.

689. Yeah? How drunk was I?

690. I— I need the money for school, okay?

691. I don't hire college pussies like you.

692. Try the Gap on Michigan.

693. Too late in the summer to get another job.

694. We had a deal.

695. You're an idiot. I'm just busting your balls.

696. Fuck you.

697. First day of work you'll be crying like a baby,

698. - begging to go home by lunch. - Yeah, we'll see.

699. Hey, be sure to write your blood type on your boots

700. for when you sever a limb.

701. Oh, boots? I was gonna wear flip-flops.

702. I'm gonna enjoy fucking with you all summer.

703. Welcome home, Lip.

704. Thanks, V.

705. "Flip-flops."

706. How do you not have any tattoos?

707. I don't believe you for a second.

708. Well, it's true.

709. Maybe I'll let you do a full body scan sometime.

710. Come see our show tonight, huh?

711. - No, I wish I could. I turn into a pumpkin at 9:00.

712. What if I come by after my gig?

713. You text me...

714. if you're feeling randy.

715. Okay.

716. Girl, Davis is all over you.

717. Dude is fire, and that accent?

718. Ugh, falls in the bad choice category.

719. I should know.

720. God, you scared me.

721. - That's for you. - Thanks, Fiona.

722. Yeah, see you, Fiona.

723. - Bye, guys. - Take care.

724. Maybe I'll see you later, huh?

725. Mm.

726. "Maybe I'll see you later."

727. Did he leave a good tip?

728. Wait, he only gave you the tip?

729. He didn't stick the whole thing in?

730. Be careful. He's a musician.

731. You never know where that tip's been.

732. - Aw, are you jealous, Sean? - Who's coming with me?

733. - I'm heading out to the meeting. - Yeah, I'm coming.

734. No, I can't. Working double.

735. Fiona?

736. Uh, nah, family's coming in for early dinner.

737. I'm gonna stick around and wait on them.

738. Well, I'll be back later to say hi and meet Lip.

739. Okay, great.

740. Hey.

741. Why'd you want to meet here?

742. Get me some of those wood chips.

743. Would you? Put them in here.

744. For your work project?

745. Yeah.

746. Why can't you do this yourself?

747. A grown man digging at the feet of kids

748. looks a little pervy, don't you think?

749. This is gonna cost you more money.

750. What you got?

751. That's good.

752. Come on.

753. We're gonna be late for dinner.

754. Thank you.

755. Okay, see, Chuckie,

756. it's not that I don't want you at my house anymore,

757. or your mom, it's just that— Look, this is where you belong.

758. This is your house,

759. and you're welcome to come and visit sometimes,

760. but you have to call first, okay?

761. You have to ask your mom and call first.

762. And sometimes I'll say yes, and sometimes I'll say no,

763. but that's just how families work.

764. See, there's boundaries that aren't supposed to be crossed,

765. and somehow your mother just never learned that.

766. But that's the good news is I'm here to teach you.

767. But what if mom brings home another man from the bar?

768. You just put a pillow over your head

769. and wait for her to be finished.

770. Okay, bye, Chuckie.

771. Chuckie, why don't you just lock the door?

772. Chuckie, lock the goddamn door.

773. Jesus.

774. - Yay. - To summer.

775. And to Lip's first year of college,

776. may you all follow in his footsteps.

777. - To Lip. - Yes, thank you, guys.

778. Frank.

779. To Lip.

780. You sure you should be drinking, Frank?

781. You think a brand-new, untainted liver's

782. - gonna stop him? - After extensive research

783. and weeks of testing, I've determined

784. my liver can support one beer a day.

785. I am now a cheap date.

786. I'm buzzed already like an anemic ten-year-old girl.

787. Who's ready for pie?

788. - I want to taste cherry pie. - Ugh.

789. Any more of that Salisbury steak?

790. Yeah, if I pay for it.

791. I tell you what, get me an order,

792. - and we'll call it even. - Call what even?

793. Her trying to kill my son with cocaine.

794. Douche bag, why would you say that?

795. Why are you even here, Frank?

796. Just don't.

797. - I'll just get him some more. - To go.

798. I got to get back to work.

799. - I don't want any pie. - What's going on with you?

800. First you're stabbing dolls in the face,

801. now you're all mopey?

802. Holly and Ellie aren't talking to me anymore.

803. - It's like I'm invisible. - I hate it

804. - when teenage skanks do that. - What do you mean?

805. Same thing happened to me with Heidi Mitchell

806. and Donna Alexander.

807. Me too. Leah March and Jean Kolb.

808. Really? Why?

809. Who knows? Jealousy, periody.

810. Two weeks later, they started talking to me again

811. like nothing ever happened.

812. - Same with Heidi and Donna. - It's not fair.

813. They don't get to do that.

814. I'm never being friends with Holly and Ellie again.

815. - Screw those bitches. - Yeah, screw those bitches.

816. Screw those bitches.

817. Sounds like you're having fun here.

818. - Hi. - Hey.

819. - What's up, man? - Hey, Sean.

820. - Good pie, dude. - Well, I'm glad you like it.

821. - You're Lip? - Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you.

822. Hey, what's going on? Sean.

823. Thanks for giving this one a job.

824. - Oh, my pleasure. - It's so good of you

825. to hire a felon.

826. This is my father, Frank.

827. Hey, Frank.

828. Salisbury steak, Miss Fiona?

829. Right here.

830. - That about explain everything? - Pretty much.

831. I got some paperwork in the back.

832. It was good to see you all. Nice to meet you, Lip.

833. Yeah, nice to meet you.

834. What was that little squeeze?

835. - What? - He just squeezed your arm.

836. The two of them are like that all day with each other.

837. - We are not. - Really?

838. Bathroom.

839. Hey, he ever go see that doctor?

840. Nah, he refuses.

841. We should talk to Mickey.

842. Now, the players in the black and white,

843. they're The White Sox. That's our team.

844. And the pussies in the gray and blue,

845. they're The Twins.

846. - We hate The Twins.

847. No, no, no, no, no.

848. Not the baby girl twins, the player twins.

849. - Good evening, sir. - Oh, Jehovahs. Not interested.

850. No, no, no. We're not Jehovahs.

851. Everyone keeps thinking that.

852. Your clothes.

853. We're from Rothchild Realty.

854. Would you be interested in selling this house?

855. You want to buy this dump?

856. Redfin named this one of the top five

857. up and coming neighborhoods in Chicago.

858. - Hey, I gotta get that.

859. - Oh, can we leave our card? - Yeah-huh.

860. Hey, babe.

861. - Hi, how's it going? - Good, good.

862. - How's it going over there? - Good.

863. Mom's here if you need her to come help.

864. - Hey, Kev. - Hey, no, no, no, no.

865. I got everything under control. Hey, I wanted to tell you,

866. I talked to a woman in My Mommy And Me chatroom.

867. She said I have madonna whore complex.

868. - What? - Yeah,

869. it's why I didn't want to have sex.

870. Wait, you calling me a whore?

871. He calling you a whore?

872. No, I'm not calling you a whore.

873. I mean, you used to be a whore

874. which I liked a lot, trust me,

875. but now you're a madonna, like the Virgin Mary Madonna.

876. He's saying I'm like Madonna now.

877. - What, like Vogue Madonna? - The Virgin Mary— that's

878. - why he don't want to fuck me. - Oh.

879. V, why you telling everybody our business?

880. You tell everyone in your Mommy chatroom our business.

881. I don't know them.

882. There's no guarantee that they're even women.

883. Ooh, I got to go. I got to go.

884. I'll see you later.

885. Is that face what I think it is?

886. Oh,

887. is that the face of what I think it is,

888. of someone who pooped.

889. Yes!

890. Poop, there it is.

891. Poop, there it is.

892. Poop, there it is.

893. Yeah, that's my girl.

894. Oh, my— That's my girl.

895. What are you doing tonight?

896. I got to look for an apartment.

897. Judge isn't gonna let me have Hannah back if I'm still

898. in that shithole motel.

899. What about you?

900. Gonna see Davis?

901. I should. I need to get laid,

902. or maybe I shouldn't 'cause I need to get laid.

903. I don't know.

904. Knock, knock. You guys dressed?

905. Yeah, but we'll get undressed

906. if you're coming in.

907. - Is this your family's check? - Uh, yeah.

908. Yeah, I don't see any pie on it.

909. You charge them for it?

910. Family discount?

911. Come on, you throw most of the pie out at the end

912. of the night, especially the peach.

913. Nobody likes the peach.

914. Don't be talking about my grandma's peach pie.

915. Sorry, Grandma Pierce.

916. Oh, it's Grandma Johnson on my mom's side.

917. You can cough up the $12.99.

918. Your grandma really makes that pie, hmm?

919. How come I never knew that?

920. She's dead.

921. It's from Costco.

922. It's frozen, but you still owe me.

923. Can I give it to you in trade?

924. I take cash or cash.

925. Next time, I consider it stealing.

926. Won't be a next time.

927. Good.

928. Don't be taking advantage of me because we're friends.

929. Sorry, boss.

930. Ooh, sorry, boss. Sorry, boss.

931. You're gonna pay for this.

932. You locked me out of my own house.

933. Since when did my house become your house?

934. Since you married my father.

935. You're a 45-year-old woman.

936. Your father's house is not your house!

937. - I'm 33. - 33?

938. Well, you could have fooled me.

939. Whatever. Act it then!

940. Frank, did you see what she did?

941. She crow-barred the new locks off the door.

942. Grandma Sheila said we should respect people's boundaries.

943. Breaking and entering, are you out of your mind?

944. - That's what families do... - I'm almost finished

945. with my project downstairs. You want to see it?

946. - Sure. - They assault each other.

947. No, they don't.

948. - You ready? - Uh-huh.

949. I give you Frank's Milk Of The Gods,

950. my contribution to mankind, the strongest beer ever made.

951. Wow.

952. I'm telling you, I have a new lease on life, Fred.

953. This liver of mine may only last six or eight years.

954. I have no control over time anymore,

955. but this— this will live on.

956. It's spectacular.

957. They can try to stop me from drinking,

958. but they can't stop me

959. from helping others to enjoy the finest brew ever made.

960. With its woody, bacony flavor...

961. Frank's Milk Of The Gods will redefine the way

962. people enjoy their grain-based fermented beverages.

963. But don't get me wrong,

964. my intentions are not all altruistic.

965. If I can only enjoy one beer a day,

966. why not make it 130 proof?

967. Can I taste it?

968. Oh, it has yet to kiss my lips, my friend,

969. but the time is upon us.

970. Let's take our business elsewhere to some place

971. more righteous than here.

972. Beautiful.

973. "Sell your home at a premium price."

974. Jeez, how much are they possibly offering

975. for in this neighborhood?

976. 20 dollar make you holler.

977. Hey.

978. - Hey. - Can we talk to you for a sec?

979. Does no one use a fucking phone anymore?

980. Honey, he's gonna close in five minutes.

981. Yes, I'm going!

982. I'm going! I got to run an errand.

983. You want to talk, we got to walk.

984. Well, how far are you going?

985. I— I've got a ticking time bomb on my ankle.

986. Just across the alley.

987. What you want to talk about?

988. Can you get Ian to see that doctor

989. - I told you about? - He's not sick anymore.

990. - But he will be. - You don't know that.

991. If he's anything like our mother, we do.

992. What's this fucking shrink gonna do to him anyway?

993. Mental health assessment.

994. Prescribe him some meds.

995. Yeah, see, you said that before.

996. That's the fucked up part.

997. Why are we giving him meds if he's not sick?

998. It helps the mania not be so crazy.

999. Yeah, and he won't be depressed as long.

1000. Like last time?

1001. All right, hold up. Hold up.

1002. Stay here, all right?

1003. Yo, brown ass.

1004. - Oh, shit. - "Oh, shit," is right.

1005. You like hitting girls, huh?

1006. - Come here.

1007. Uhh! What the— Ugh!

1008. - Curry says what?

1009. - This is his errand? - Stop it!

1010. You ever hit one of my girls again,

1011. I'm not gonna go so easy on you, do you hear me?

1012. Yes.

1013. Good.

1014. Hey!

1015. Mrs. Patel,

1016. can you jerk your fucking husband off once in a while

1017. so he doesn't come back to my Rub 'n' Tug ever again?

1018. All right, let's say he gets, like, depressed, or manic,

1019. or whatever the fuck, how do we know it's not

1020. just from living in this shithole ghetto?

1021. - He has signs of bipolar. - Like?

1022. Recklessness, impulsiveness.

1023. Fast-talking, barely sleeping.

1024. Hyper sexuality.

1025. Hyper se— You mean horny?

1026. What 17-year-old gay kid isn't horny?

1027. Kev?

1028. Kevin?

1029. You awake?

1030. Ow.

1031. Yo, Gallagher, you up there?

1032. We got chronic.

1033. Get your ass down here.

1034. - Ah, he's not home. - Let's get out of here.

1035. - Ow!

1036. Hey, you awake?

1037. I am now.

1038. - I can't sleep.

1039. Again?

1040. - Whoa. - Why?

1041. You got a problem with that? Huh?

1042. No, I don't need to now and not at all

1043. 'cause you're so tough—

1044. Come here.

1045. Wake up. Wake up.

1046. You dog, you're going down.

1047. You are going down, army.

1048. Come here, army.

1049. I wanted him to fail.

1050. - I thought he'd be overwhelmed. - And?

1051. Jackass is a better mom than me.

1052. Who's that?

1053. Nobody.

1054. You know what we should do?

1055. Pool party!

1056. What's going on?

1057. Go tell your brothers.

1058. We're gonna party up Gallagher style.

1059. Hey, it's me.

1060. Pool's ready. Bring Will over.

1061. What time is it now?

1062. It's 12:03 AM.

1063. So it's technically tomorrow.

1064. Yeah, uh-huh.

1065. My quota resets.

1066. We can drink.

1067. Frank's Milk Of The Gods.

1068. Oh, Jesus.

1069. All right, Carl, get him!

1070. I've got a day full of rage inside of me.

1071. - Get her now! - Take him down.

1072. - Go get him, Debs, get him! - All you all must die!

1073. - Oh, yeah.

1074. - Oh, hey, now. - You guys are cheaters.

1075. Look who's a sore sport.

1076. Look who's madly in love.

1077. You got room for one more?

1078. Ian!

1079. - I got your text. - Where's Mickey?

1080. I wore him out.

1081. All right, come on, it's our turn in the pool.

1082. - Let's go, Will. Are you ready? - Go, Liam, go.

1083. Okay, Will.

1084. - Come on. - Liam.

1085. All right, Liam, you're going down.

1086. Hey, shut up down there!

1087. Oh, you shut up! It's summer!

1088. Ow.

1089. The fuck?

1090. Please, don't move.

1091. Huh?

1092. Where are my clothes?

1093. We found you like this.

1094. Came out to draw the summer flowers, found you instead.

1095. Oh, Jesus.

1096. Your body, it is so beautiful.

1097. You're perfect.