Shameless 11x2

1. Hey, back up.

2. What do I look like, the information lady?

3. Hell, no. I'm a law enforcement officer,

4. emphasis on the enforcement.

5. You need to know what happened last week on Shameless?

6. Better go find someone who actually gives a shit.

7. City of Chicago says

8. all bars are closed until further notice.

9. Hail, 'rona survivors! Where is everyone?

10. The mayor shut us all down again on Tuesday.

11. Well, who the hell can keep track?

12. I made a big mistake, son.

13. I rented this house without asking

14. your mommy first,

15. and now I'm basically her bitch.

16. Holy shit!

17. What the hell is that?

18. Hands off, Frank.

19. We're not offering credit

20. on cannabis products. Payment up front only.

21. Debbie needs her share of the utilities.

22. Want me to get some shitty-ass

23. minimum-wage job like you,

24. hauling boxes around a warehouse?

25. What the fuck is this?

26. I go and get our money,

27. all I find is IOUs.

28. You spent all our money from the wedding?

29. Did you eat all the brownies?

30. I had three,

31. and Tommy had four.

32. We were hungry.

33. With the loss of so many officers to the 'rona,

34. the bosses are willing to put you on the street.

35. It's not a tough call to give you a badge.

36. Busting heads is a man's job,

37. and you are a natural born ass kicker.

38. Congratulations, Gallagher.

39. You're gonna get to be one of the best of the best,

40. a goddamn Chicago police officer.

41. Thank you, sir.

42. Watch out, crackheads. Coming back for you later.

43. Making a mental note of your face, shitbag.

44. Watch it, ladies.

45. Might haul your asses down to the station.

46. Yeah, that's right. You're looking at the po-po.

47. First day on the job.

48. My birthday!

49. Wake up!

50. Wake up! I'm five!

51. Hey, hey. Look who it is.

52. The birthday girl. [sniffles, sighs]

53. Presents?

54. Oh, no, no.

55. It's not like Christmas, Franny.

56. You're gonna get your presents

57. tonight at your party.

58. Oh.

59. Hey.

60. Come on.

61. Let's go make some breakfast, huh?

62. Whoof!

63. Go sit!

64. Yo, what up?

65. Why'd you guys sleep here last night?

66. Oh, the fumes at our new place

67. from resurfacing the bathtub.

68. Good morning, Franny. Happy birthday.

69. Thank you.

70. These up for grabs?

71. - No, don't touch. - Why?

72. I'm gonna sell them for cheap to the lunch debt kids.

73. What's a lunch debt kid?

74. Kids who run out of money on their food account.

75. Can't eat the hot lunch till they pay up.

76. Is that even legal?

77. Don't public schools have to feed the kids?

78. Yeah, but the lunch lady serves them gross shit

79. like stale bread,

80. government cheese, chunky pudding.

81. So you're capitalizing on the misfortunes of others

82. by selling them your peanut butter sandwiches?

83. The American way. See you.

84. Hey, there's my sweet birthday princess!

85. Who is five today?

86. - Me! - You? Ah!

87. I don't know! She looks like a big girl.

88. Did you grow overnight?

89. Are you sure you're not 15?

90. I am! I am!

91. Yeah, I knew you were.

92. Are you excited for your princess party?

93. I hate princesses!

94. What? No, you don't.

95. I'm with Frans on this one.

96. Hey, no. I invited your entire class.

97. There's gonna be a bouncy house.

98. We're gonna get a bunch of decorations

99. at the dollar store. It's gonna be great.

100. Hey, can I tag along to the dollar store?

101. - Sure. - Homeboy needs more diapers.

102. - Is that me? - Yeah.

103. Hey, hey, hey, birthday Franny.

104. Hey, look what I got you from work.

105. They let us keep stuff if it's past its expiration date.

106. There's so much stuff that just gets

107. thrown away into a dumpster.

108. Oh, great job, man. Free old cereal.

109. Yeah, at least I have a real job.

110. Get off my back.

111. Hey, Debs, I'm finally gonna get

112. my first paycheck later,

113. so I can start paying for my part of the bills.

114. - Great. - Wait, what?

115. I didn't plan on supporting a husband.

116. You gotta pull your weight.

117. I told you, I am still on my honeymoon.

118. We need money for food, rent.

119. Great. I could go get money

120. in 30 fucking seconds.

121. Legal money.

122. Look, they're hiring over at my warehouse.

123. You could go over there today and apply.

124. Thanks, no thanks.

125. All right, if you don't get a real job today,

126. you're not getting any more sex.

127. Whoo-hoo!

128. Oh, no, please.

129. I don't give a shit, man.

130. I don't need your disgusting-ass dick.

131. Ah, you guys been married what, like, 50 years now?

132. - 5-0! - Oh, fuck, it's the cops!

133. - Hey, I'm unarmed! - Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

134. Ha, ha, ha, very funny, assholes.

135. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'ma go load

136. these bad boys up with armor-piercing rounds

137. so I can keep the mean streets safe

138. for fuck-heads like you guys.

139. Watch out, Chicago!

140. You're going down.

141. - Here you go, Kerm. - Thanks, Kev.

142. May there be many more where this comes from.

143. Hey, Tommy.

144. Kev.

145. Kermit.

146. Tommy.

147. Why are you two sitting so far apart from each other?

148. - Social distancing. - Take a beer, Kev.

149. Yeah, sure, of course.

150. Okay, call me when you have more.

151. Elijah from the dispensary

152. doesn't have weed either, Kev.

153. Shit.

154. Whole city's run out.

155. Another symptom of economic anxiety:

156. everyone's self-medicating.

157. Why are you two sitting apart?

158. - No reason. - Nothing.

159. I think they're having a fight.

160. A fight? About what?

161. Saying something under your breath means

162. "keep it quiet."

163. Hello! I'm here.

164. Oh, Frank!

165. You gotta use the secret knock.

166. Oh, sorry.

167. Top of the morning to you.

168. So what you got for me to sample today

169. in the wonderful world of weed,

170. Master Kev, Mistress V?

171. What are—why are you guys sitting so far apart?

172. One of you fart or something?

173. - Just because. - Stop asking.

174. Jesus, fine.

175. Sit in your own stank, for all I care.

176. They won't tell us either.

177. Oh.

178. Where are the goods?

179. Sold out.

180. Impressive.

181. But our suppliers are out of product now.

182. Ever since the 'rona, there's been a rush on weed.

183. They were not prepared for the demand.

184. - Everyone's out. - It's a blessing in disguise.

185. - Pot is dangerous. - Amen to that.

186. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

187. That's impossible. There's no such thing

188. as a rush on weed. It's in abundance.

189. There's three different dispensaries

190. - we use for our product. - They're all out.

191. Dispensaries?

192. You know what kind of a markup they've got?

193. I can get you more product.

194. Where?

195. Yeah, illegal shit.

196. Marijuana's basically just a weed.

197. The government has no more right

198. to regulate it than they do sunflowers.

199. Or making us wear masks.

200. Exactly!

201. Don't worry. I can get you more product.

202. We can go in on this together, partners.

203. - Yes. - No!

204. I am not going into the weed business

205. with Frank Gallagher.

206. Frank Gallagher's the best person to go

207. - in the weed business with. - Shh.

208. I was whispering so that means to talk quietly.

209. Well, now you know how it feels.

210. Veronica, I understand your reluctance.

211. I would feel the same if I were going

212. into business with me.

213. May I suggest we do a trial run today?

214. Give me a chance to prove myself.

215. I will find you weed,

216. I will teach you how to make the best edibles in the city,

217. and then I will help you sell those edibles

218. at a premium.

219. I was born to do this.

220. I've been training for it my whole fucking life.

221. Frank Gallagher really is an illegal drug connoisseur, V.

222. Fine, a trial run just for today.

223. Elijah should have some legal product in stock

224. in a couple of days.

225. You will not regret this.

226. - Oh.

227. Nah, it's...

228. Look at those virgins.

229. This is the freshest meat I've ever seen.

230. Yanez, over here.

231. I'ma Denzel Washington your ass today.

232. Officer Tipping, Carl Gallagher.

233. I believe I'm your partner.

234. Stand down, son. No need for formality.

235. - Bring it in. - Uh, really?

236. We've all been tested. You wouldn't be here

237. if you were positive. Now bring it in.

238. Welcome to the Chicago police force.

239. All right, first thing we're gonna do:

240. we're gonna open up all the windows,

241. air out the house. That way, we don't inhale

242. any of the fumes.

243. It's a good idea, right?

244. "Yeah, Daddy. You're brilliant."

245. I know. Then we're gonna count

246. all the mismatched light switches,

247. see which ones need to be replaced,

248. and I need you on bathroom tile duty.

249. Think you can do that for me?

250. Go through and see where I need to add more grout.

251. "Yeah, Daddy." You can?

252. Well, that's great. Thank you so much, buddy.

253. What the actual fuck?

254. Now you're probably wondering,

255. "Why do they call it 'More or Less'?"

256. - Here's why. - Okay.

257. We're gonna start off

258. with these wireless speakers,

259. four of them.

260. $450.

261. Is the actual price

262. more or less than $450...

263. Who cares how much the speakers cost?

264. Just steal 'em.

265. Is— is this a problem?

266. Okay.

267. I won't tell if you won't.

268. Shit, yeah.

269. Oh, come on, man. I need more time than that.

270. What are you doing sitting on the couch?

271. Watching TV? Wasting your life?

272. I'm not wasting my life.

273. Do you even have a job?

274. Do you have a college degree?

275. No, you don't, do you? Why not?

276. 'Cause everything's an excuse with you, isn't it?

277. Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Jerome?

278. "I'll apply to school next year."

279. What's wrong with right now?

280. Stop disappointing the people you love.

281. Get off the couch

282. and go make something of yourself.

283. All—all right, okay. Fuck.

284. Consider me like your guardian angel.

285. Fine.

286. You can thank me later.

287. Now call or email us today.

288. - Do it! - Shut the fuck up, Jerome.

289. This stuff's all expired.

290. Toss it in the dumpster.

291. Those guys have it made, huh?

292. Sitting on their asses all day.

293. You're telling me.

294. You know they make ten bucks more an hour

295. than we do, don't you?

296. Oh, shit.

297. Yeah.

298. How do I apply to be a forklift driver?

299. Well, you don't,

300. unless you're Black,

301. or you're Mexican,

302. or you got a twat between your legs.

303. You got a twat between your legs?

304. Uh, not the last time I checked.

305. The days are over when guys like you and me

306. got all the opportunities for advancement.

307. Sucks to be a white male in America these days.

308. Life Saver?

309. - Huh? - Wintergreen.

310. Yeah, sure.

311. So I made a list of everything that I saw

312. in my neighborhood this morning.

313. Lot of illegal activity.

314. Guns, drugs, car theft.

315. You ever bite one of these in the dark

316. using your back teeth?

317. - Excuse me? - The Life Saver.

318. Uh, no, not that I know of,

319. but I was thinking that we could drive by the area.

320. You know, there's still probably

321. a lot of activity going on.

322. Maybe bust some heads

323. and drag some bangers down to the station.

324. Makes a spark

325. when you bite the Life Saver in the dark.

326. I do it for my kids sometimes.

327. They get a real kick out of it.

328. - You have kids? - I'm 19.

329. About when I started.

330. I have a 17 year old gonna start community college,

331. and twin eight year olds with the second wife.

332. She's not much older than you.

333. You wanna check this out, sir? You know...

334. take a look at the list for yourself?

335. Well, if you bust a right down here on Cermak,

336. go down about three blocks,

337. you still might see some of those guys—

338. Let me share some things with you, Carl.

339. I've been on the police force 15 years.

340. Do you know how many times I've been shot?

341. I don't know. Five?

342. Zero.

343. Wait, you've never been shot?

344. Never been shot, never shot at.

345. You know why?

346. I don't leave the car.

347. Seriously?

348. Personal safety is no joking matter.

349. What if something's going on out there,

350. like, you know, the street?

351. Carl, we can do more for the neighborhood

352. by staying right here inside this car

353. and being a presence.

354. So you're not gonna do anything about those prostitutes

355. over there?

356. Do you see blood?

357. - No. - Anyone crying,

358. begging for their life?

359. Not that I can see.

360. Then we let them know we're here...

361. and we go on our way.

362. Okay.

363. Another Life Saver?

364. Are we seriously gonna buy illegal weed

365. from some random dude on the street?

366. They're not random.

367. That's Scotty in the beanie.

368. Lori L. on the stoop.

369. That guy doing ballet over there

370. probably has some good stuff.

371. Who, Herman?

372. Yeah, his product isn't bad,

373. when he has it.

374. Usually by mid-morning, he's smoked it all up.

375. On disability. Got hit by an Uber.

376. Tiny Tod over there has the cheapest weed,

377. but it's mostly stems.

378. I don't know about this.

379. These folks aren't doing any harm.

380. It's the law-abiding rich people

381. who decided to legalize marijuana

382. who are messing up a system

383. that's been in place for decades.

384. Trust me, these folks have good product.

385. Let's buy from Gina.

386. Who, Twitchy McGee?

387. Exactly. She's jonesing.

388. Probably H. She's desperate.

389. Has to score soon,

390. so she'll want to make a quick sale.

391. All right, I'm going in.

392. Cash, please.

393. Better not run away with our money, Frank.

394. Veronica, please.

395. This is good.

396. This'll probably get us four ounces.

397. Then back to your place.

398. We'll cook up some goodies.

399. What happened?

400. We never talked about our split.

401. What split?

402. As business partners.

403. Temporary business partners.

404. I think 50/50's fair.

405. Sounds reasonable to me.

406. Fuck that. There's two of us

407. and one of you. A three-way split.

408. Sounds reasonable to me.

409. Got yourselves a deal. Partners.

410. Go get 'em, tiger.

411. Gina, did you miss me?

412. Ooh, they have tiaras and magic wands.

413. You guys, where are you? They have fairy dust.

414. En garde!

415. Take that, bad guy.

416. Ah, this is my land. You'll never win the battle.

417. Get her, Franny.

418. I got her! I got her!

419. Look, I can dress like a unicorn princess for the party.

420. Huh?

421. Hi-yah!

422. - Oh.

423. Hi, babe.

424. Uh, your sister is going psycho for the princess crap.

425. Uh, hey. So, um, you know how you're mad

426. I'm spending a lot of money we don't have on the house?

427. Yes. Accept defeat, warrior!

428. Well, someone broke our two front windows.

429. What the serious fuck?

430. That's what I said.

431. How do we feel about this mermaid princess look?

432. Uh, okay, so we gotta call the cops.

433. No, the cops won't do anything about a broken window.

434. We'd have to lie and tell them

435. there was a murder or something.

436. Hey. Why are you hitting me?

437. She switched sides. Us against you now.

438. So I was thinking I'm gonna change out the windows,

439. and, uh, I was actually gonna replace them

440. - with double glaze anyway. - Double glaze?

441. They more expensive than regular?

442. Okay, stop. This is the safe zone.

443. I am in the safe zone. Do not come closer.

444. That sounds expensive, Lip. Is it?

445. A little bit. Not much.

446. Ugh, we gotta stop hemorrhaging money.

447. Oh, come on!

448. I'm just saying we're spending—

449. No, no, no, I'm sorry. I wasn't talking to you.

450. Someone just dumped a bunch of trash

451. in our new yard and in our planters.

452. Why?

453. I don't know. I don't see anyone.

454. It must've been some punk-ass kids.

455. I gotta put a sign up, let people know...

456. a Gallagher lives here!

457. Then they won't mess with us anymore.

458. [Tami, incredulously] Yeah, okay.

459. Um, how's Fred?

460. Oh, uh, good.

461. Good. Happy. Good.

462. I gotta go. Bye!

463. - Bye. - Okay, I found it.

464. I'll be a fairy princess for the party.

465. Isn't this the perfect dress?

466. So you worked five years at Home Depot,

467. three at Lowe's,

468. and served two active duties in Afghanistan.

469. - Yep. - Impressive.

470. Oh, shit.

471. Whoops. Uh, you forgot to put

472. your Social Security number on the application.

473. Yeah, it's, uh,

474. three... seven... 22.

475. That's only four numbers.

476. How many is it supposed to be?

477. Why don't you just text it to me later?

478. - Yeah. - So Mr. Milkovich,

479. let's do a little role-play.

480. Oh, I'm not into that shit anymore.

481. I got married.

482. No, no. Professional role-play.

483. - Oh, yeah. - Let's say

484. you're working at the register.

485. I'm a customer who comes in, and I wanna return a saw.

486. What are some questions you might wanna ask me?

487. Okay. Uh...

488. How many times you use it?

489. Where'd you steal that from?

490. You think you can scam me?

491. You think I'm fucking stupid?

492. Is there blood on that shit?

493. Uh, not exactly what I was looking for.

494. Hey, okay. You know, hey.

495. I-I'm really good at scaring the crap out of people,

496. so I can say whatever you want me to say

497. so people stop returning shit.

498. Good—good to know.

499. Maybe dealing directly with the customers

500. is not the best job for you.

501. Look...

502. I-I really want to make it work here, so...

503. W-w-what are they doing? Can I do that job?

504. Oh, yeah. Inspecting the expiration dates

505. on our stored food supply.

506. Anything doesn't meet our high standard of freshness

507. is disposed of.

508. - So thrown out? - That's right.

509. Why don't you just tell me a little bit more

510. about yourself?

511. What assets do you think you bring to the workplace?

512. Bro, I can bring whatever

513. you fucking want to the workplace.

514. I got, like... What—what do you need?

515. Glocks? Nunchucks? Fuck, I got bayonets.

516. I got whatever you want. I got you—

517. or I know who does, okay?

518. I'm—I'm sorry, Mr. Milkovich.

519. I don't think this job's the right fit for you.

520. What do you mean? I...

521. You know what? Goddamn right, it's not.

522. I don't need to be out here, making minimum-ass wage,

523. tossing out perfectly good food,

524. getting blisters all over my hands

525. so I can clock out with a bunch of fucking bozos,

526. go home smelling like a rotten fucking pig.

527. This is your fault for making me do this shit.

528. Fuck you, and fuck you,

529. and especially fuck you.

530. Okay, it's your part.

531. Attention, all officers.

532. Thank God.

533. Damn, we almost got through the whole thing.

534. That song makes me feel kind of badass.

535. - You too? - Uh, sure.

536. Attention, all officers,

537. we have a 312 in progress.

538. - 700 block of Riverside. - Hell yeah.

539. Convenience store robbery.

540. Four suspects, armed and dangerous.

541. Any and all officers in the area, please respond.

542. It's go time.

543. Whoa, whoa, whoa, cowboy. What are you doing there?

544. Have you learned nothing today?

545. We're so close.

546. No, no, no, there's officers much closer than we are.

547. We're, like, two blocks away.

548. I've seen this before. By the time we get there,

549. someone will have gotten shot,

550. and Homicide will take over the case.

551. So let's just stay out of their crime scene.

552. But it's our duty to take the call.

553. Trust me on this one. We're partners.

554. Need to stick together, be a united front,

555. have each other's back. Okay?

556. Okay.

557. You'll thank me one day.

558. Fucking bored shitless.

559. Now can we get back to our song?

560. All due respect, Veronica,

561. your brownies were awful.

562. Really?

563. Did you fry the marijuana in butter first?

564. No, she didn't.

565. What difference does that make?

566. It's the difference between a ghetto pot brownie

567. and a culinary delight.

568. By frying the weed,

569. you activate the cannabinoids.

570. Here, stir this for me, will you?

571. Also, the lipids in the butter

572. bond with the weed to form

573. the perfect cannabis infusion.

574. Yeah, V.

575. Now, let's see how our first batch looks.

576. Oh, yeah.

577. Oh, those smell amazing.

578. Eh?

579. Kev, my fine feathered friend,

580. I need you to cut that pan of brownies

581. into two-by-two squares.

582. Each square has to be equal size and shape.

583. I want ten perfect brownies.

584. Aye-aye, captain.

585. That's $200 worth of heaven right there.

586. $200?

587. That's, like, a lot of money for each brownie.

588. 20 bucks a brownie, Kev.

589. Holy shit.

590. The going rate is ten, Frank.

591. Nobody's gonna dish out 20.

592. That's because no one has tasted

593. Frank Gallagher's masterpiece

594. of psychedelic goodness yet.

595. Hey, Kendall. What can I do you for?

596. Back up. Keep your distance.

597. What's up?

598. Can't eat this crap the lunch lady gave me.

599. How much for a peanut butter sandwich, Liam?

600. Donations only. Whatever you got.

601. Um...

602. stole this Red Bull from the corner store.

603. That'll work.

604. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

605. This is not an open-air market.

606. It is a liability for you to sell food

607. on school property.

608. That's mine.

609. I'm not selling it. Donating it.

610. Well, you can't do that, either.

611. What, share my lunch?

612. No.

613. So it's okay for these underprivileged kids

614. to starve because they don't want

615. to eat the slop you give them?

616. Until they pay their lunch debt,

617. that's all they get.

618. Now close it down.

619. Sorry, everyone.

620. Loraine won't let me donate sandwiches to you anymore.

621. - That sucks!

622. I know, I know.

623. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you.

624. I didn't grow up with money, either,

625. but ever since I was a little kid,

626. it's been my passion to give to those

627. less fortunate than myself.

628. - Yeah! - You're the man, Liam.

629. Please.

630. If I had extra money,

631. I'd give it to all my friends here

632. so they could buy hot lunch,

633. but since I don't,

634. I thought the next best thing would be

635. is to donate food from my family's kitchen.

636. - Yeah, Liam!

637. Please, please, please.

638. I'm just one man trying to make a difference.

639. I won't take up any more of your time.

640. - Bye, Loraine.

641. Go, Liam.

642. Now, who wants a sandwich?

643. This one is when the twins dressed like salt and pepper

644. for Halloween.

645. The condiments, not the hip-hop group.

646. You do realize people just keep photos

647. - on their phone now, right?

648. Ooh, I got some rumbles in my tumbles.

649. You hungry?

650. For police action.

651. What about for eggplant pea?

652. Best this side of Milwaukee.

653. - I guess. - Let's do this.

654. Dispatch,

655. this is Officers Tipping and Gallagher.

656. Go for dispatch.

657. A concerned citizen just stopped us...

658. What are you talking about? We've been at—

659. and reported a suspicious person

660. over on Hemlock Street.

661. We're gonna investigate.

662. Copy that.

663. Report back your findings and if you need backup.

664. Will do.

665. What the hell was that all about?

666. Buys us more time for lunch.

667. Eggplant pea, here we come.

668. So let me get this straight.

669. We don't respond to real crimes in progress,

670. but we do respond to fake crimes

671. that aren't even happening?

672. You're getting the hang of this.

673. This is so not what I signed up for.

674. Your tum-tum will thank me.

675. Right on time.

676. Nice truck, fatty.

677. Ding Dongs for a ding-dong.

678. Ugh, smelly fucking fat-ass.

679. I'm gonna get pinkeye

680. from all the farts in this thing.

681. - Ugh.

682. Jack-fucking-pot.

683. Later, Jabba the Hutt!

684. Hey. Hey, hey!

685. Hey, get the door for me, would you, Val Kilmer?

686. Asshole!

687. Did you and Tommy get in a fight about something?

688. - Just drop it. - Oh.

689. He owe you money?

690. Has for years, but that's not it.

691. What, did you wreck his car?

692. I wish it were something so simple.

693. - Yeah? - Hi.

694. We heard you're selling edibles here,

695. and we were told to ask

696. for the marijuana magician.

697. Come on in! He's right here.

698. I'll show you to him.

699. Didn't catch your names.

700. Barry, and he's Ryan.

701. Sure.

702. The one and only Frank.

703. Have a seat, gentlemen.

704. How can the Frank help you today?

705. Selection looks impressive.

706. So what do you have here?

707. I've arranged my products

708. in descending order of THC.

709. Starting here at the top tier,

710. I call this "Can't-Get-Off- The-Couch Cookie."

711. - Yowza. - I don't want that.

712. I still need to do work every day.

713. Uh, you and me both, brother.

714. Continuing down the line,

715. we reduce the THC until we get

716. to the bottom shelf

717. and our homemade suckers,

718. which are basically all CBD.

719. What do you think is best to give me a buzz

720. but also help my sciatica?

721. I would stick somewhere here in the middle.

722. These chocolate walnut brownies

723. have the perfect amount of THC

724. to give you a little euphoria,

725. and the CBD

726. to relieve that pain in your ass.

727. Should we get two?

728. We're going to that foam party this weekend.

729. Let's make it four, then.

730. Four it is. If you would pay

731. my sales clerks behind the bar,

732. I will bag these up for you.

733. Excellent, gentlemen.

734. Four brownies. So that's, uh...

735. $80.

736. Well, this is fucking vile.

737. Morning, Lip.

738. Hey, Marsha. How's Georgia doing?

739. Got into a bowl of butterscotch candy

740. I have out for guests.

741. Didn't you? Ate the wrappers and all.

742. That right?

743. I'll be picking up poopy candy bits for days.

744. Hey, uh, you didn't see

745. who did any of this, did you?

746. What?

747. Oh, broke my front window,

748. you know, put all this trash in the yard.

749. I thought the house was always like this.

750. Yeah, when Mr. Shaw lives here,

751. but I've been trying to fix it up.

752. You buy the place?

753. No, just renting.

754. Spending a lot of money if it's not yours.

755. Yeah, well, I want some nice things in my life

756. for a change.

757. Well, good for you.

758. - Thank you. - Da-da.

759. Hey, Marsha.

760. You see any punk-ass kids running around here,

761. you let me know?

762. You got it, Lip.

763. Thanks.

764. Thanks, Ma.

765. Of course, sweetie.

766. Oh, that's Arthur

767. on his honeymoon with his first wife, Nadine.

768. Oh, you people sure are into hard copy photos, huh?

769. I loved Nadine.

770. I really do miss her.

771. Ma, she cheated on me,

772. with five different police officers—five.

773. Well, she certainly had a type.

774. You gotta give her that.

775. Oh, Carl, can I give you another serving?

776. Oh, no, Mrs. Tipping, I—

777. Oh, Rhoda.

778. You're part of the family now.

779. Okay. Uh, no thank you, uh, Rhoda.

780. I'm not too big on heavy lunches.

781. Besides, we gotta get back out to the streets.

782. Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

783. Thanks for reminding me.

784. Dispatch, come in, please.

785. You've got dispatch.

786. This is Officer Tipping. Officer Gallagher and I

787. have located the suspect,

788. and we are now proceeding with questioning.

789. Copy that.

790. I am so proud of you, Arty.

791. - Oh, both of you. - Mm.

792. Mm.

793. Family.

794. Goodbye, boys.

795. You know what I like to do after a big meal?

796. Oh, I don't know. Do your job?

797. Catch some rapists?

798. Take a nap over at the Best Buy.

799. Have you ever sat in one

800. of the massage recliners they have there?

801. No, but I'm sure I will now.

802. My lower lumbar could really use some kneading.

803. Dispatch, the suspect has directed us

804. to an abandoned house

805. that has a suspicious smell emanating from it.

806. Officer Gallagher and I will investigate further.

807. Copy that.

808. Hey, it's starting to look

809. like a magic castle in here.

810. Or like a Care Bear took a giant shit.

811. Or Strawberry Shortcake fucked My Little Pony.

812. Yeah, or Glinda the Good Witch

813. just, like, projectile vomited—

814. Okay, I get it. Stop making fun of me.

815. This is gonna be the best party ever.

816. Yeah, for you.

817. What do you mean? It's Franny's birthday.

818. You just seem a little more into it

819. than Franny does, babe.

820. That is so not true. Franny's so into it.

821. I mean, what little girl doesn't want a princess party?

822. I never wanted one.

823. Me neither.

824. I did.

825. Well, that explains it.

826. Explains what?

827. Why you're so obsessed with all this shit.

828. I am not obsessed.

829. The magic wands don't go there. On the coffee table.

830. Oh, okay. Sorry.

831. I just—I never got the princess manual.

832. I was always into G.I. Joes and shit when I was a kid,

833. so that's the kind of parties I had.

834. Yeah, well, every birthday, one of my uncles

835. would just get me drunk and let me shoot his gun.

836. The bounce house is here!

837. - Yes! - Hell yeah!

838. Love a bounce house.

839. - Whoo! - I've never been in one.

840. What?

841. Uh, none of the adults were sober enough

842. to make me a cake, never mind

843. get a bounce house.

844. You were seriously raised by wolves.

845. It's supposed to be a princess castle.

846. You sure?

847. Paperwork says Dracula's Lair.

848. Oh, she's sure.

849. Now why would I order Dracula's Lair

850. for a five-year-old girl's birthday party?

851. I love it!

852. I need a princess castle. Get me a princess castle.

853. Sorry, ma'am, we don't have

854. anything extra on the truck.

855. Well, this is the worst thing ever.

856. I think it's kind of cool. Come on!

857. It says "Bounce-ilvania," Debs.

858. What could be more fun than that?

859. Okay, all bets in?

860. Shit.

861. I got nothing. Pair of tens.

862. Full house. Sorry about that, boys.

863. Crap.

864. How is it the new kid always wins?

865. Beginner's luck.

866. Uh, yeah.

867. - Franklin Pierce... - Loitering...

868. - James Buchanan... - Littering.

869. - Abraham Lincoln. - Actual B&E.

870. Andrew Johnson.

871. Defacing property.

872. Ulysses S. Grant.

873. Ah, shoot, I can't remember who was next.

874. - Who's the 19th president? - I don't know.

875. I didn't even know there was 19 presidents.

876. - Pfft. - Ah, more loitering.

877. Battery.

878. Oh, my God, what is that?

879. What? Where? What is it?

880. - Go time, is what it is.

881. This car has a siren?

882. Let's move it, people!

883. And a megaphone?

884. Hang on, partner.

885. This is what I'm talking about!

886. Go.

887. Put these on.

888. What's going on? What's happening?

889. - Where are we going? - Traffic light is out.

890. Good thing we were in the vicinity.

891. You stand on that side. I'll stay here.

892. - Out of the road, asshole!

893. Yo, what up, Jose?

894. Looking good, man.

895. Yeah, you too. I'm not used to seeing

896. your cracker ass on this side of the wire.

897. So what's this deal you got for me?

898. Right here.

899. A dumpster?

900. Man, what kind of idiot you think I am?

901. No, no, ain't like that. Look, check it out.

902. Boom!

903. Damn.

904. Uh-huh. I told you.

905. Wait, what is all this?

906. It's food. The fuck you think it is?

907. No, I mean, where did you get it?

908. Difference does that make? I got it, didn't I?

909. I could really use some of this shit.

910. Uh-huh.

911. Pasta, oatmeal...

912. flour.

913. How much you want?

914. Hey, for you, give you a good price.

915. Wait a minute. This is expired.

916. - So what? - It says 2019.

917. It's fucking pasta, man. Doesn't go bad.

918. Yeah, well, I hate the guys in this joint

919. just as much as anybody, but I'm not trying to give them

920. salmonella or some shit.

921. Will you quit being a bitch? Those dates don't mean shit,

922. and you know it.

923. You—you're a fucking asshole.

924. Hey, a'ight, man. Whatever.

925. No problem.

926. All good.

927. Got plenty other cooks out there

928. willing to take this off my hands for...

929. oh, half what they usually pay for their bulk items.

930. Charge their boss the same amount,

931. and guess what? They just pocket the rest.

932. Uh-huh. You interested now.

933. Ah, there you go.

934. Hmm.

935. All right.

936. There you go, Framingham.

937. Oh, gee, thanks.

938. Pretty boy.

939. Thanks.

940. Hey, uh, you want to get a couple of drinks,

941. piss away our paychecks?

942. Ah, not tonight. Thank you.

943. All right, suit yourself.

944. Yeah.

945. Hey, George. Hey, wait up.

946. What's going on?

947. Who do I talk to about a mistake with my paycheck?

948. Oh, let me see this.

949. What's the mistake?

950. Look at here. It says I worked 39 hours.

951. I worked 45. I should be getting overtime.

952. Yeah, that's what they do. They dock you for lunch,

953. the time it takes to go to the head,

954. anything to keep it under 40 hours.

955. - You serious? - Yeah.

956. That way, they don't have to give you benefits.

957. - They get away with that? - They do.

958. Oh, even at 39 hours, the money's not adding up.

959. Ah, dude, they take out all kinds of crap.

960. Locker fees, safety vests, you name it.

961. It's usually about four months

962. before you're even getting a full paycheck.

963. Welcome to a working man's America, Kemosabe.

964. Yo, Gallagher, how'd it go today?

965. Damn, what happened to you?

966. Broke his cop cherry.

967. Best day of my life. Kicked so much ass.

968. - Jesus. - Senior officers

969. are taking us to the cop bar across the street.

970. Celebrate you tadpoles becoming real women.

971. Hell yeah. I'm in.

972. Hey, you not coming?

973. Gotta see the fam.

974. Yeah, don't even bother with Lady Arthur over there.

975. He's allergic to fun.

976. Hurry up and get changed, Gallagher.

977. Meet us over there.

978. I suggest you get some rest, Carl.

979. Hey, why would I get some rest?

980. We didn't do shit today. All we did was rest.

981. I wanted to have an action-packed day

982. like Yanez did,

983. not sing along to Eminem.

984. A security guard would've had more fun than we did.

985. But I put up with it. Know why?

986. Because you said we gotta have each other's backs,

987. be a united front. I was bored shitless today.

988. I don't care, 'cause I wanna be the best partner that I can be.

989. So the least you can do is walk across that street

990. and buy me a damn drink.

991. All right, partner. One drink.

992. Damn.

993. Your partner seems pretty wild.

994. Yeah, first I've seen that.

995. Oh, shit. I think he's married.

996. Oh, that's okay. Tina doesn't care.

997. So first day, huh?

998. Yeah. What do you do?

999. I'm over at the leather factory.

1000. Mm. Like coats and stuff?

1001. No, not as glamorous.

1002. We make bullet bags and rifle slings.

1003. It sucks. I stink like cow shit

1004. and chemicals all the time. Smell me.

1005. Uh, well...

1006. Yeah, smell— smells great to me.

1007. Aw, you're sweet.

1008. If I'm still at the factory in five years,

1009. I give you permission to shoot me.

1010. Okay.

1011. No, seriously.

1012. Take that big old gun of yours and shoot me.

1013. And what would you rather be doing instead?

1014. Mm, marry a cop,

1015. be his wife,

1016. have a bunch of his kids.

1017. Uh...

1018. Don't worry, bunny. We're just having fun.

1019. So why'd you want to be po-po?

1020. Um, you know, make a difference,

1021. do something for the community,

1022. be a part of the solution.

1023. - Uh, when I was a kid— - Wanna fuck?

1024. - Wait, what? - Come on.

1025. Okay.

1026. Oh, leave it. We'll be right back.

1027. Your place close?

1028. Yeah, but we're not going there.

1029. Me and my ex still live together.

1030. Randy, guard our drinks.

1031. Let's go.

1032. Where are you guys going?

1033. Bathroom. Come with?

1034. - Want to? - No.

1035. Yes. Absolutely.

1036. I can't believe we sold all that product in one day.

1037. Ye of little faith.

1038. No one even flinched at the high prices.

1039. Guys, weed is in my blood,

1040. literally and figuratively.

1041. I know the business inside and out.

1042. Guess you were right, Frank.

1043. I don't hear that often enough.

1044. We made $3,400.

1045. - What? - Course we did.

1046. Mm, mm, mm, that's $1,133 apiece.

1047. Take your pile.

1048. Oh, it's been lovely doing business with you.

1049. Shall we do it again tomorrow?

1050. I don't see why not. V?

1051. Until our suppliers are back up and running, sure.

1052. Excellent.

1053. I shall see you bright and early...

1054. and by that, I mean noon.

1055. And I liked helping you out today

1056. with your emergency,

1057. but the trial run is over.

1058. From this point going forward,

1059. the cut will be 60/40. I'm the 60.

1060. - Seems fair to me. - No way.

1061. I got the raw materials. I did the manufacturing.

1062. You were simply the retail.

1063. Toodle-oo.

1064. And whatever you guys are going through,

1065. you gotta kiss and make up.

1066. Oh, God! Oh, God!

1067. Feel good, baby?

1068. I feel—yes, baby feels very good.

1069. Hey, can you guys keep it down in there, please?

1070. Yeah, yeah, sure, bud.

1071. My—my legs are kind of getting wobbly.

1072. If you put one foot up on the toilet,

1073. it usually works better.

1074. Oh, wow, what are you doing to me?

1075. Want me to stop, Arthur?

1076. No, no, no.

1077. There you go. That's better, right?

1078. I guess. I'm a little distracted,

1079. but I'm fine.

1080. You get used to these close quarters.

1081. - You've done this before? - Yeah, dozens of times.

1082. Oh.

1083. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

1084. Okay, I gotta stop. I'm sorry.

1085. This is getting a little weird.

1086. - Really?

1087. What the hell? What's going on in there?

1088. I think he's dead.

1089. My vagina killed him.

1090. Whoa.

1091. Fuck, Arthur.

1092. Shit.

1093. Another mom said her kid can't come to the party.

1094. It might have something to do with your ankle bracelet, babe.

1095. Well, whatever. That's too bad.

1096. We don't need Franny's school friends.

1097. We'll still have fun.

1098. Okay, everybody grab your song lyrics.

1099. It's time to sing the princess song.

1100. Kay, Franny.

1101. Sit right here. Kay.

1102. Okay.

1103. One, two, three.

1104. Ho, ho, ho! Happy birthday, Franny.

1105. Look what I bought you. These are from me, okay?

1106. Only me, your favorite uncle.

1107. - Yay, guns! - Guns!

1108. That is not a princess gift.

1109. - Tough titties. - Let's play!

1110. You got it, kid.

1111. Okay, shoot!

1112. - No, no, Uncle Mickey! - Sorry, Debs.

1113. - No, no, go ahead, go ahead, shoot me—

1114. I'm gonna get you!

1115. Blow my brains out, kid. Come on.

1116. - Okay, okay. - Go ahead.

1117. I got you, you're dead! I shot you!

1118. - Yeah. - Watch your step.

1119. Oh, shit.

1120. I'm really sorry again, sir, that you had a heart attack.

1121. You know, I somehow feel responsible.

1122. Maybe you shouldn't had all those pitchers of beer.

1123. Well, back at it again in the morning, right, sir?

1124. Or maybe not.

1125. Oh, God.

1126. I ate too much cake.

1127. Oh, yeah, I didn't go anywhere near that pink frosting shit.

1128. Hey, what kind of party you think Fred's gonna want

1129. when he's older?

1130. A Terminator party.

1131. Why? Is that what you wanted

1132. when you were a kid?

1133. - Yeah? - Maybe.

1134. Hey! Yo, hey, whoa!

1135. Whoa, what the hell?

1136. Marsha?

1137. Lip.

1138. What, you fucked up our house before?

1139. The three of us.

1140. Why?

1141. You're making your house look too good.

1142. So?

1143. Our property tax will go up.

1144. What, because we planted a couple flowers?

1145. And put in new windows and mulch,

1146. cleaned up the trash.

1147. People are gonna wanna do the same as you.

1148. White folk will drive around the city

1149. looking for a new place to live,

1150. never imagine themselves down here.

1151. Then they see your house, call the realtors.

1152. Rent will go up.

1153. Property tax.

1154. We've been here our whole lives,

1155. and now we're being pushed out.

1156. Where will we go then?

1157. Franny did not like her party.

1158. Yeah, not so much.

1159. You were right. I mean...

1160. I only did this for myself.

1161. I just—I always dreamed of having a princess party

1162. as a kid.

1163. I'm sorry, babes.

1164. Not that I would do it differently or anything.

1165. Really?

1166. I mean, fuck no. It's like,

1167. Franny's only five.

1168. It's not like she's gonna remember

1169. any of this shit.

1170. Even if she does, a little bit of disappointment

1171. is good for her.

1172. I mean, I would do anything for that kid, but...

1173. sometimes I just...

1174. it's gotta be about me.

1175. Wow, it gets sketchy here at night.

1176. Yeah, we should probably go home.

1177. She's down there. Come on.

1178. - You sure about this? - Fuck Frank.

1179. Why should we give him 2/3 of our money?

1180. 'Cause he's our partner.

1181. We can do everything he did.

1182. I'm not sure I can make those pineapple lollipops.

1183. Go, ask.

1184. Hey, um, how you doing?

1185. We're looking to, um, buy some weed—

1186. ganja, smoke, marijuana.

1187. - Kev... - I know you?

1188. - No. - Yeah, you do.

1189. Our friend was here earlier.

1190. I should say our partner. Frank Gallagher?

1191. Sorry, I don't got nothing.

1192. What, seriously?

1193. You know anyone else who's selling?

1194. Nope.

1195. Come on, how's that possible?

1196. That's because I bought it all from her...

1197. with my earnings from today.

1198. - Hey, Frank! - Hey.

1199. I wanted to get a jump start on tomorrow's work.

1200. Little did I know my partners

1201. would be going behind my back.

1202. Just for the record, I was hesitant about this.

1203. I think from now on,

1204. our cut's gonna be 70/30.

1205. I'm the 70.

1206. Guess the interview didn't go so good?

1207. Nah. I don't do normal.

1208. It's boring as fuck, man.

1209. I don't want to end up a monkey like you anyway.

1210. Just trying to be a mature adult.

1211. That's all.

1212. Well...

1213. I, uh, like doing things my way.

1214. So we gonna fuck, or what?

1215. Nope.

1216. You didn't get a real job.

1217. Fine by me, man. See if I care.

1218. In fact,

1219. I might just jerk off with all my money.

1220. Yeah. Come here, guys.

1221. Mm...

1222. Mm, mm, yeah.

1223. Ooh, yeah, come here.

1224. Suck that dick, Benjamin Franklin.

1225. Come on now.

1226. Got a little three-way with— whoever the fuck that is.

1227. Mm, mm. Yeah, you like that?

1228. What if we, uh, add—

1229. hey, fuck off, George Washington,

1230. cheap-ass motherfucker.

1231. Oh, I like that.

1232. Uh-huh, keep going.

1233. God, money really does buy happiness, huh?

1234. We really have to do this?

1235. Yes, we have to maintain a negative curb appeal.

1236. But I love our house.

1237. Hey, me too. I wanna stay in it

1238. with you and Fred forever.

1239. Well,

1240. what do you think?

1241. Nice.

1242. How about mine?

1243. Wow.

1244. That's perfect. You did good

1245. for the neighborhood, babe.

1246. Anything to help our family.

1247. Even a giant squirting penis.

1248. Exactly.

1249. Muah.