Shameless 10x2

1. What?

2. No, I didn't steal this shit.

3. If you bothered to watch last week's episode,

4. you'd know that.

5. Police!

6. Police!

7. - Jesus!

8. - What the fuck, asshole? - Shit!

9. What the fuck—

10. Mikey?

11. Frank.

12. I deserve to feel special.

13. Don't look at me like that.

14. I've got a system. It's all going back.

15. You're a disgrace, Gallagher.

16. I never, ever want to see your face again,

17. not on my campus and not ever in my army.

18. We clear, son?

19. Crystal, sir.

20. Boy or girl?

21. - Boy. - Tami?

22. We don't know yet. She's still in surgery.

23. Hey, any of those glazed doughnut holes

24. left down in the break room?

25. Mm-hmm.

26. Mm.

27. Hey.

28. Ugh! Get the fuck off me!

29. What's your problem?

30. I'm sick of the smell of goddamn mayonnaise.

31. It's like getting screwed

32. by a bowl of potato salad every morning.

33. It's the only lube we have in this shithole.

34. Well, it makes me wanna gag every time you come near me.

35. Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking a shit every night at 8:15

36. is a real fuckin' bed of roses.

37. At least my shit gets flushed,

38. unlike your coleslaw-smellin' dick.

39. Can't be 8:30, can it? Or seven o'clock?

40. No, Mickey has to shit every night

41. at the exact same time.

42. That's annoying.

43. - Shut up! - Is it?

44. Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger

45. every single time you turn the page

46. of whatever faggety-ass book you're reading?

47. - Okay. - "My name's Ian.

48. I can't turn the page like a normal human being.

49. I have to put my whole goddamn paw in my mouth."

50. You know what? If you actually knew how to read,

51. maybe you'd understand, not, "Look at these fucking

52. squiggle-dings all over this piece of paper!"

53. Every morning, the same shit!

54. You're like old women!

55. I came to prison to get away from my parents.

56. Eat my cornhole, cocks!

57. Not if it smells like mayonnaise.

58. - Exactly!

59. Let's go! Line it up!

60. Hey.

61. I wanna see the warden about getting a new roommate.

62. What is this, fuckin' summer camp?

63. Get your ass to breakfast.

64. Hey, we made it, huh?

65. - ♪ All night long ♪ - We're almost home.

66. No problem.

67. Asses up if you want coffee!

68. You start bonin' dudes while I was away at school?

69. Occasionally, if the mood strikes.

70. I was talkin' to Frank.

71. Can't two grown men share a bed together

72. without it being sexual?

73. - No.

74. Go for Carl.

75. Yeah, yeah, it's still available.

76. All right. I'll send you the address.

77. Stinky, dirty, wet!

78. Wash your own shit!

79. You both owe me rent money.

80. Oh, come on.

81. Thirty-seven bucks a night,

82. plus five if you'll be showering.

83. - What about Carl? - I'm selling my military gear

84. - to get some cash. - Electricity, gas,

85. and water for the month is 48 bucks.

86. Let me know if you'll be eating here.

87. I have various meal plans available.

88. You don't need to pay rent, Frank.

89. You're the patriarch of this family.

90. He is?

91. I'm keeping the coffee warm for ten minutes.

92. Then I'm dumping it.

93. - Little Red Riding Twat

94. needs to understand who's boss around here.

95. Me?

96. Yes, you.

97. - What's goin' on?

98. Tryin' to figure out who I am,

99. what's my identity— Dr. King, Dr. Dre?

100. Maybe you should set your sights lower,

101. you know, like Tiga, Nelly,

102. or maybe one of the Wayans brothers.

103. Or Lester Holt.

104. - You Carl? - Who's asking?

105. I answered an ad on Craigslist.

106. Lookin' to buy some military gear.

107. - It's all right here. - Cool.

108. You take 75?

109. Ad said 100.

110. I figured I'd try.

111. - Figured I'd walk away. - Wait, no, no, no.

112. Here, here.

113. It's fine. Hundred bucks.

114. It's all there. I promise.

115. I'm starting ROTC in the fall.

116. - I gotta train this summer. - Mm.

117. So what got you interested in becoming an officer?

118. Went down to the recruiting offices,

119. played them shoot-'em-up video games?

120. Something like that.

121. Can I have the bag?

122. What, the recruiters make you think

123. you're gonna become this officer,

124. big war hero, leading men into battle?

125. I don't know. Maybe. I guess.

126. They tell you that you could be one of the very few,

127. make a difference,

128. that you could do something your life,

129. change your destiny?

130. Hey, might even become a general one day.

131. My mom's gonna start worrying if I don't get home soon.

132. You know that's a bunch of horseshit.

133. They don't want guys like us to enlist as officers—

134. you know, guys from the South Side,

135. guys who aren't very smart, kinda slow.

136. They're just trying to fill their quota,

137. gettin' us hooked on the thrill of the kill.

138. Then they spit us out when we can't handle

139. quantum physics or even read.

140. - I can read. - And then they leave us

141. on the side of the road

142. with the taste of blood in our mouths,

143. and what do we do?

144. We enlist as grunts.

145. And while they get all the medals

146. and cushy postings up in Japan and Germany,

147. where are we, poor boys from disadvantaged backgrounds

148. like you and me?

149. Somalia, Fallujah, that's where.

150. And then when we finally get sent home,

151. it's in a body bag.

152. Not me.

153. Not Carl Gallagher. No, thank you.

154. I ain't no one's human shield.

155. Can I just have my money back

156. if you're not gonna sell me the shit?

157. Only thing left in these Oxy bottles is dust.

158. You have a toothbrush I can use, Frank?

159. They're communal. Just grab one.

160. The fuck is that?

161. How 'bout we head over to that Russian bakery

162. and snag some of those muffin samples for breakfast, huh?

163. No can do, partner.

164. We gotta hit the streets, do some work.

165. What? Why?

166. You heard Debbie.

167. - Rent money. - You're not seriously gonna do

168. what she told you to do, are you?

169. That girl's got a serious dose of her mother's crazy DNA.

170. We come home with empty pockets,

171. she may cut our tits off.

172. How 'bout your kids? They got any money

173. - we could bum off 'em? - Not a cent.

174. I went through their backpacks last night

175. while they were sleeping.

176. Me too.

177. Mm, I'm afraid it's an honest day's work

178. for you and me, mi amigo.

179. Any scams you wanna try?

180. How 'bout the Distract and Grab?

181. Could do the Melon Drop.

182. Old-fashioned Pig in the Poke?

183. I'm always down for a classic Ukrainian Peekaboo.

184. All good by me.

185. All right.

186. It's just a crime, that's all,

187. that-that Debbie doesn't give you

188. the respect you deserve.

189. Tell me about it.

190. You know, you sacrificed so much for her.

191. That, I did.

192. You know, she's ungrateful...

193. - Yep. - ... entitled...

194. - Mm-hmm. - ... spoiled.

195. You know her well.

196. Too bad there's not a way

197. we could take control away from her,

198. you know, make you... make you the king of the house,

199. you know, you set the rules here.

200. Y-yeah, but how?

201. I'm not sure. I mean, wishful thinking, I guess.

202. I gotta go get dressed.

203. I don't wanna be late for work.

204. Check it out, Franny.

205. I've worn these guys, like, 15 times,

206. and they're in perfect... condition.

207. Ha.

208. Ready to be returned to the store today.

209. The key is plastic sole protectors.

210. Your mama's a genius.

211. - Can I get 125 bucks? - I'm sure you can,

212. if you got a job instead of lounging around

213. watching YouTube videos all summer.

214. From my share of the Fiona money.

215. Mm... no.

216. - Why not? - It's in the bank...

217. getting two point four percent compound interest.

218. Isn't it supposed to be all of our money?

219. What do you need it for anyways?

220. You get some girl in trouble or something?

221. No! I'm ten.

222. Besides, abortions are free anyway.

223. They are?

224. The state of Illinois

225. supports women having control of their bodies.

226. What do you need it for, then?

227. A DNA test.

228. Monica already did one of those.

229. Your hers... and Frank's.

230. Sorry to tell you.

231. Wanna see where I come from.

232. You come from Africa. Happy?

233. Are you ready to go?

234. Let's go.

235. - Let go, baby.

236. - Hey, Debs. - Hey.

237. Here's the new daddy.

238. Hey, Franny.

239. What's up with that glove?

240. Oh, I stole a few from the hospital

241. so I'm not touching him with a smoky hand later, you know?

242. Or you could just quit.

243. Oh, hi!

244. There's my sweet little nephew.

245. What'd you decide to name him?

246. Freddie.

247. Like Kruger?

248. Uh... Fred, then.

249. - Fred Flintstone? - I don't know.

250. I was tired as shit when I filled out the forms

251. at the hospital.

252. It was the first name I thought of.

253. It's my professor's name, Clyde Fred Youens.

254. Hopefully Tami likes it.

255. We didn't really have a chance to discuss it.

256. - How's she doin'? - She's got a bad infection.

257. She's all jacked up on drugs.

258. It's a little touch-and-go.

259. I think she'll be fine.

260. You know, hopefully she'll be fine.

261. Yeah. I'm sorry.

262. All right, well...

263. see you later.

264. - Come on, Franny. - Bye. Wait, whoa.

265. You're not gonna help me out today?

266. No can do. I got shit to do.

267. The new couch is getting delivered today.

268. Can you make sure to let the delivery guy in?

269. Come on, Debs, I-I need a nap. I been up, like, 27 hours.

270. Get used to it. It's your new normal.

271. Fine. Yeah, no, we'll be...

272. we'll be fine.

273. Shit! Hey.

274. Good-bye, LeBrons.

275. Here you go. Take 'em.

276. Thought they were gonna help me play b-ball better,

277. but...

278. I guess I'm, uh,

279. past my prime.

280. Just the middleman here, amigo.

281. - Got a can in this place?

282. Yeah, right over there.

283. I'll take a beer and a shot of Jaeger when I'm out.

284. Okay.

285. He just leaves them here?

286. Maybe he's telling you it's okay to pull a Scamazon.

287. - A what? - Scamazon.

288. I returned my microwave,

289. except I put a brick in the box instead of the microwave.

290. Soon as On Board Shipping scanned the return,

291. my money was instantly credited back to me.

292. They never checked inside the box.

293. That's genius.

294. ly stupid is what I was gonna say.

295. - Why's that again? - Because it's wrong.

296. It's wrong.

297. Not if it's a big corporation.

298. Yeah, he's right.

299. I'd never do it to a little guy, you know,

300. like some mom-and-pop place.

301. But a big company, they factor that stuff in.

302. It's stealing no matter who you do it to.

303. Then I guess you don't wanna know

304. about another way to Scamazon.

305. - No. - Yes.

306. I ordered shit,

307. told them that I didn't receive it,

308. even though I did.

309. So they sent me another.

310. You mean I coulda got two pairs of sneakers?

311. That's why I have two fleshlights.

312. You saying flashlight or fleshlight?

313. I think you know what I'm sayin'.

314. That delivery guy's dead.

315. Can I have another beer, please?

316. What?

317. He said he wants another beer.

318. - Aw, jeez. - Oh, jeez.

319. What's he doing with a belt around his neck

320. - while he was taking a piss? - He was jacking off, Kev.

321. And strangling himself at the same time.

322. Why?

323. - 'Cause it feels good. - Mm.

324. Is that that autoerotic shit?

325. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

326. Aw, dude, come on!

327. I never had the courage.

328. Why the fuck's he doing it in our bathroom?

329. Couldn't he wait till he got home?

330. - When the urge hits... - You guys are idiots.

331. He didn't use a lemon.

332. Even I don't know that one.

333. Y-you keep a lemon in your mouth.

334. That way, when you pass out and start to seize,

335. you bite into the lemon, wake yourself up.

336. Maybe I should try that sometime, then.

337. - So what do we do now? - Call the cops.

338. Or we could raid his truck first.

339. - Yes. - Yeah.

340. - I mean, dead is dead. - Yeah.

341. What's a couple of hours?

342. That's a good point. Let's go.

343. Yeah.

344. Hold on! Stop.

345. V's right. Stop.

346. This joker comes into my bathroom,

347. jacks off, chokes himself,

348. then was gonna have a shot and a beer,

349. go back on his big truck to work

350. all hammered and jizzed out— do I have this right?

351. - Absolutely correct. - Yeah.

352. One hundred percent.

353. Fuck him. He coulda killed a kid.

354. He deserves to have his truck ransacked.

355. Move. I got first dibs.

356. - That's my girl.

357. One-eighty over 120.

358. That's high, Ernesto. You gotta cut out the salt.

359. Salt's the only edible thing in this place.

360. Yeah, well...

361. About halfway finished there, Chester.

362. Put some Drano in the line, take me outta my misery.

363. Hey, come on, now.

364. You're up for a compassionate release, right?

365. Compassionate release, my ass.

366. The only person my release would be compassionate to

367. is Mr. Johnny Dingleberry taxpayer

368. who doesn't wanna foot the bill

369. for my medical expenses in here.

370. You get to see your family, your friends.

371. They're all dead.

372. Why do you think they put me in here in the first place?

373. Make new friends.

374. I been in here for 30 years.

375. I wouldn't survive two days out there.

376. I'm pissin' blood.

377. My shingles are flarin' up.

378. And I've got dementia... I think.

379. Hey, let me ask you a question.

380. How'd you and Marco survive in that cell all those years

381. - without killing each other? - Oh, that's easy.

382. You ju—

383. Oh, wait, now.

384. Who's Marco?

385. Your prison wife.

386. You were together, like, 12 years.

387. He's six-foot-five, Hispanic.

388. He likes to eat people's faces.

389. Does sound like someone I'd date.

390. Okay, never mind.

391. Are you talkin' about you and Mickey?

392. Okay, you remember Mickey but not Marco?

393. Who's Marco?

394. - Forget about it. - Uh, you and your fella

395. just need a little time apart,

396. a temporary separation.

397. A mini vacation.

398. How am I supposed to do that in prison?

399. I'll tell ya how.

400. But you need to stab me.

401. Just deep enough so they have to keep me here,

402. and then you can go to solitary for a couple of weeks.

403. Let's go while I'm middle-aged, huh?

404. - Hurry up, Kev! - I'm trying.

405. He's got, like, a million keys.

406. Let's go. I'm losin' my beer buzz.

407. Okay, I hear all of you!

408. Dude, let's go, come on.

409. Got it. Jackpot!

410. Stand back.

411. - Oh, wow. - Holy shit.

412. Gimme some!

413. This is like rich people Christmas.

414. God is great!

415. I been praying for this moment since I was six years old.

416. My good karma is finally paying off.

417. Shut up, Kevin. Hoist me up.

418. Yeah, that one right there.

419. Lyft should be here in a sec.

420. Silver..."Ha-wan-day." Is that how you say that?

421. "Hundye."

422. I think it's "Hunday."

423. You wanna get hit or cut?

424. Let's flip a coin.

425. If we had a coin, we wouldn't be out here.

426. - I'll get cut. - Sounds good.

427. I'll get hit.

428. - Okay.

429. See you around the corner.

430. Mickey?

431. It's Mikey.

432. Who the fuck is Mickey?

433. How's your day going so far?

434. Oh, uh, fine.

435. Um, could you put on a little classical music?

436. Yeah, sure thing.

437. - Oh, shit!

438. Ahh! Ohh! Ahh!

439. Watch what you're doing, lady!

440. You just hit that man!

441. - Oh, God! - Are you okay?

442. I think you broke my leg.

443. - Oh, God! - And my face, it's bleeding!

444. Um, okay, stay right there. I'll call the police

445. - and an ambulance. - Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no!

446. I-I-I can go to the ER myself.

447. I'll probably hobble there myself too.

448. No, but your leg! I'll drive you both.

449. No disrespect, but...

450. I'm too scared to get in your death mobile again.

451. Hey, what are they hitting ya for at the ER these days?

452. Couple hundy.

453. Oy. I'm no Rockefeller.

454. I-I'm just gonna wait till my leg heals.

455. Unless... you wanted to make things right.

456. You fools are a couple of scam artists, aren't you?

457. - What are you talking about? - No!

458. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

459. You old farts need to get fresh.

460. Hey, wait. You're leaving...

461. you're leaving a crime scene!

462. Fresh?

463. You wanna go again?

464. I'll get cut this time.

465. Fresh.

466. Dude, your kid is totally white.

467. Doesn't even look like he has one drop of black blood in him.

468. Yeah, well, have you seen his parents?

469. You know, when we screwed,

470. it was like two pieces of chalk fucking.

471. Isn't it easier just to quit smoking?

472. Plannin' on it, but...

473. I thought I'd have a lot more time

474. before the baby came, and, you know, besides,

475. the nicotine's keeping me awake and...

476. calm my nerves.

477. This dad shit's scary.

478. - You raised us. - Yeah, but I didn't care

479. if I killed you guys.

480. I wanna keep Freddie alive.

481. Why am I the only one in the family

482. that has black skin?

483. Think it has something to do with Monica's granddad,

484. although we never really got a straight answer.

485. Sucks not knowing my family tree.

486. Who cares?

487. - You're a Gallagher. - Yeah.

488. In this house, I am, but out there,

489. I'm a black kid that lives on the South Side of Chicago.

490. I went to Urban Outfitters,

491. and a security guard followed me for 20 minutes.

492. Says "urban" in their title.

493. - Okay, he's hungry.

494. Uh, this is gonna be his first feeding at home.

495. You have a bottle or something I can warm up?

496. Nope. Tami wants me to breastfeed him.

497. How?

498. Oh.

499. I know it's ridiculous, but...

500. Tami says he needs to learn how to latch onto the boob.

501. Yeah, it's also good for attachment and shit.

502. Here we go. Let's show Liam how we do it, huh?

503. - You wanna show Uncle Liam?

504. You wanna show Uncle Liam? Here we go. Here we go.

505. Here we go. Shh, shh, shh.

506. A little suck. A little suck.

507. - Little suck, little suck.

508. And shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

509. He-e-ey!

510. Hey, he did it!

511. He did it. He's sucking. He latched!

512. You're like a walking PSA to wear a condom.

513. Okay, so that's three Cap'n Bob's fish specials,

514. one with tots, one with fries, and one with slaw.

515. Be ready in 15.

516. Yo, where do you think you're going?

517. Are you deaf or something?

518. I'm looking for Lori. She, uh, doing a bank run?

519. You want me to cap your ass or what?

520. - I'd like to see you try. - Don't think I won't.

521. Carl Gallagher.

522. Hey.

523. Mm. Smells as good as the day I met ya.

524. You're Carl.

525. Yeah. Heard of me?

526. This is Anne Gonzalez, assistant manager.

527. Tough as nails. She keeps everybody in line.

528. So...

529. you ready to get back to work?

530. - Yeah. - Great.

531. Hey, Dirk,

532. Carl's back.

533. Arrivederci, buddy.

534. Oh, shit.

535. I'm sorry, Wheels.

536. I told you this day was gonna come.

537. You firing me, Lori?

538. You should be collecting disability.

539. What you wanna work for anyway?

540. - Have a purpose in life? - Overrated.

541. I'll go get your uniform.

542. I been savin' it.

543. - Can I help you? - Picking up an order

544. for Pedro.

545. Uh, two shrimp tacos. That's $7.70.

546. Friend said I should ask for extra tartar sauce.

547. It's 26 bucks for the tartar sauce.

548. And $7.70 for the tacos.

549. Here you go.

550. Did you get my letters?

551. Yeah. Why'd you send me dick pics?

552. It wasn't my dick, silly.

553. Now, get your cute keister to work.

554. Fryolator's calling your name.

555. Okay, would you stop doing that?

556. Stop fucking doing that.

557. For the love of Christ, not again!

558. Mind your business, Enzo!

559. We need to talk.

560. - About what? - About the fact

561. that we wanna kill each other.

562. I don't know what you want from me.

563. Stop bein' so annoying!

564. You remember when we first got here?

565. We had fun together.

566. Yeah. All we did was bang.

567. We laughed too.

568. What happened to us?

569. This place happened.

570. Gets to ya.

571. I don't want it to.

572. Well, don't really have much of a choice.

573. How 'bout, like, a...

574. temporary separation?

575. - How we supposed to do that? - Well, I could stab Chester.

576. What you wanna stab Chester for?

577. - He's gonna get released soon. - Who gives a shit?

578. So if I stab him, he gets to stay and—

579. What are you talking about right now?

580. And I get sent to solitary.

581. Wait. A-are you dumpin' me?

582. - We need a break. - Fuck you.

583. We can't keep goin' on like this.

584. Okay, you want a break? I'll give you a break.

585. I'm gonna stab Chester, and I'm gonna go to solitary.

586. - What are you talking about? - You're not dumping me.

587. I'm dumping you. Where's the shiv?

588. Where'd you put it?

589. And no, you're not stabbing him. I am.

590. Free country.

591. You're an asshole.

592. Takes one to know one, bitch.

593. Ah!

594. Found it, bitch.

595. - Lockdown.

596. Oh, you're kidding me.

597. Hey.

598. I'm here to return these shoes.

599. - Anything wrong with them? - No.

600. I've just got so many of them at home.

601. - Do you have the receipt? - Sure do.

602. Here you go.

603. Thirty days exactly.

604. Mm.

605. Why don't I just process this return?

606. Cool.

607. But first...

608. What's that?

609. Black light.

610. Need to check if they've been worn.

611. Oh, uh, well, I mean, look at them.

612. They've never been worn before.

613. - You see? - Yes, to my naked eye.

614. But my naked eye can't see invisible bodily fluids.

615. You wouldn't imagine what lengths people go to

616. trying to make it look like

617. they've never worn a pair of shoes.

618. Everyone trying to cheat the system.

619. Including you.

620. - Excuse me? - Check it out.

621. Toddler urine. Blood.

622. Surprise, surprise.

623. - A little bit of vomit. - You can tell all that?

624. Sorry, I can't accept these returns.

625. No, but, sir, your thingy's wrong.

626. I've never worn those shoes before.

627. Don't make me look you up on Instagram.

628. I'm sure you posted plenty of selfies in these shoes.

629. Please, sir,

630. I'm a single mother struggling to make ends meet.

631. I just wanted something nice for once in my life.

632. I promise you, I will never do this again,

633. but these shoes are 800 bucks.

634. I can't afford that.

635. Suppose I could make an exception.

636. - Thank you. - Under one condition.

637. - Anything. - You blow me after my shift.

638. Why does everything have to come down to sex?

639. 'Cause sex is awesome.

640. No. You just wanna feel like you have power over me.

641. That's awesome too.

642. Can't I just, like, wash your car

643. or something?

644. Mm...

645. not as satisfying.

646. So it's all about degrading me, then.

647. I... guess.

648. Yes, it-it probably is.

649. Okay.

650. How 'bout...

651. how 'bout I give you a blow job?

652. You just said it was degrading.

653. It is, when you ask for it.

654. It's different if you do?

655. Yeah. 'Cause then it's my choice.

656. It's my decision. And I have the power.

657. Okay.

658. Then sure.

659. I'd love a blow job.

660. - Deal. - I get off in two hours.

661. See you in two hours.

662. Have a good day!

663. - Shh.

664. Whoa! Oh, you sound like your Grandpa Frank.

665. Yes, you do.

666. Let's see what's going on in that diaper, huh?

667. 'Cause that's... a little smelly.

668. Pee-yew!

669. - I got you. I got you.

670. I got you.

671. Whoa!

672. How'd that much poop come outta you, huh?

673. One sec, all right? One sec.

674. Okay, here we go.

675. Here we go.

676. Ooh, that's black.

677. Yeah, they said that'd be black.

678. I'm really just smushing it around, aren't I?

679. Uh...

680. hey, I got an idea, all right?

681. - I got you.

682. Ready?

683. Here we go.

684. That's good. Okay.

685. Okay.

686. Yeah?

687. Hey.

688. Good as new.

689. All right?

690. Let's get a new diaper on you

691. and then we can have our nap, okay?

692. I'm just gonna find a new diaper.

693. Hospital only gave us one diaper.

694. Buddy, what are we gonna do?

695. I know.

696. Here goes another one!

697. Open it! Open it!

698. Open it! Open it!

699. I bet it's another one of those essential oil diffusers.

700. It's crazy how many people ordered that piece of crap.

701. Hey, I'm excited to use my piece of crap when I get home.

702. Another Vitamix!

703. - Yes!

704. - Let's take it, V. - We already have one, Kev.

705. Oh, right. All right, who wants it?

706. - Oh, me! - Me, me, me, me!

707. Here you go, Kermit.

708. You haven't had anything in a while.

709. - Thank you, Kev. - You're welcome, buddy.

710. All right, V.

711. - Bring the next box out. - Yeah!

712. - Come on, now! - Come on.

713. - There's nothin' left. - What?

714. - Don't be greedy.

715. You just got a bunch of free stuff.

716. What about the returns?

717. - The what? - Yeah.

718. OBS guys have to drive around picking up packages.

719. That's right.

720. There must be tons of stuff out there!

721. Yeah, well, we're not giving it away for free this time.

722. - We're not? - No! We're gonna

723. auction that off, make some money off these ingrates.

724. Go get that scanner thing from the dead guy, Kev,

725. - and pick up the packages. - Can I drive the van?

726. Knock yourself out.

727. I'm gonna take this bassinet over to Lip.

728. How attached are you to that pool?

729. How's it going?

730. Good. Good.

731. Well, shit.

732. Ah, don't let the collar scare you.

733. Just trying to make extra money for the CYO basketball team.

734. Not here to take you to heaven... yet.

735. Or worse, the downstairs place.

736. - Abort mission! - What?

737. It's a priest!

738. Ooh!

739. Heavens to Betsy.

740. Are you okay?

741. My leg. My leg is broken.

742. Oh, my Go— Oh, uh, uh...

743. a priest, a priest.

744. That's what I was trying to tell you.

745. Oh.

746. Wait. What's going on here?

747. Uh... we're good, Padre.

748. Praise Jesus.

749. I've been healed!

750. Were you two trying to scam me?

751. Nah, it's just a misunderstanding.

752. We'll be on our way.

753. If you're in need of money for a meal, I can help.

754. - Come again? - The Lord, of course,

755. wants you to promise you won't use it on drugs.

756. That would be a sin.

757. - Thank you, Padre. - Let's get outta here

758. - before he changes his mind. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

759. Okay, okay.

760. Booze or coke or a little of both, Frank?

761. What do you say? What do you say?

762. What happened?

763. Why ain't you happy?

764. We got ten dollars.

765. Ten dollars is not gonna solve our problem.

766. She's gonna kick us out.

767. We gotta find a place to sleep.

768. It pisses me off.

769. I got an inheritance waiting for me,

770. and Debbie's holding it hostage.

771. - ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪ - Why'd you do that?

772. You know what your problem is?

773. You let women run your life:

774. your daughters, your dead wife,

775. your mother too, I bet.

776. It's true.

777. She made me pee sitting down.

778. Said I splashed on her magazines.

779. Those female types have pussy-whipped

780. the masculinity from your soul.

781. They have.

782. You know, because of men like you,

783. women like Debbie feel entitled and empowered.

784. They do.

785. You need to break the cycle, Frank!

786. Press the reset button.

787. You need to reclaim your patriarchy.

788. Let's go back to the house,

789. storm that castle, and take back what's yours.

790. - Yes! - Yes!

791. You're hurting me.

792. - Whoa, whoa. - Come on!

793. - All right.

794. - All right.

795. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

796. It's all right, buddy, okay?

797. It's all right.

798. It's all right. You can stop crying, all right?

799. Here we go.

800. Here we go. Here we go.

801. Hey, there you go, okay?

802. I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick, okay, okay?

803. Then I'm gonna come right back.

804. We'll take a nap together, all right?

805. - All right, shh, shh.

806. Stay right there, okay?

807. Stay right there. Stay right there.

808. - Okay.

809. All right, I'm going to the bathroom now, okay?

810. I don't know how people go to the bathroom with babies.

811. I don't know how people do much of anything with babies.

812. I don't think I'm gonna be able to...

813. take a shower till your mom gets outta the hospital,

814. - you know?

815. Shit.

816. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

817. Where'd you go?

818. Where'd you... go?

819. How... does this even happen?

820. You were right... here.

821. You were right here.

822. Are you serious? I lost my baby?

823. Fuck. Freddie?

824. Maybe he ran away because you named him Freddie.

825. Hey.

826. Hey.

827. And he has on a sanitary pad with wings?

828. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I ran outta diapers.

829. You can't leave a baby alone like that.

830. - I fell asleep. - You can't fall asleep.

831. Hey, it was two seconds.

832. Something could have fell on him.

833. Someone could have stepped on him.

834. Yeah, well, there's no one else here, so...

835. When's Tami gettin' out?

836. She's still in ICU. I-I don't know.

837. I brought you a baby gift.

838. It's a bassinet, but you need to assemble it.

839. V... I'm tired, you know?

840. Welcome to parenthood.

841. You're only supposed to wear

842. one of those nicotine patches at a time.

843. So... here we are.

844. Yup.

845. Do you do this with a lot of women at the store?

846. I get a fair amount of play.

847. Really?

848. Why do you say it like that?

849. Shoe salesman?

850. I'm actually a violinist.

851. Oh! Yeah?

852. Classically trained.

853. Studied at Berkeley School of Music.

854. Oh... that's cool.

855. I bet you're pretty good.

856. Bring my violin to work with me every day,

857. thinking I'll... play it at lunch.

858. Instead I go to Wetzel's Pretzel.

859. I'm sure lots of famous musicians

860. hang out at the food court.

861. - You ready?

862. Wait.

863. You think I like looking at feet all day?

864. Isn't that your job?

865. I hate it. I hate myself.

866. That's why I try to get women to blow me.

867. Does it make you feel any better about yourself?

868. For a few minutes.

869. Until the self-loathing comes back.

870. - Shall we do this? - No, don't.

871. I don't want...

872. blow jobs from random women anymore.

873. No?

874. I'm gonna give my notice.

875. - What about my shoes? - Keep 'em.

876. - Seriously? - Yeah.

877. I'm going back to the violin.

878. Hey. What's goin' on?

879. Why am I different from everyone in my family?

880. It's like, if I was adopted, I would understand.

881. but it's like I spun the roulette wheel

882. and landed on black.

883. Because once upon a time, a slave owner raped a slave.

884. But now I'm being raised by a bunch of crackers,

885. and they won't even give me the talk.

886. You don't know about the birds and the bees yet?

887. Yeah. I've known since I was six.

888. The talk of how to survive as a black man in America.

889. Yo, yo, yo.

890. That's a lotta returns.

891. Yeah, this scanner machine thingy

892. is fun as shit.

893. - Can I help you?

894. - Bye, Lori. - See ya tomorrow.

895. Unless I see you tonight when you sneak into my apartment,

896. 'cause you know I leave my key under my mat.

897. Isn't that sexual harassment?

898. It doesn't count when you're a dude.

899. Oh.

900. So what's your deal?

901. Meaning?

902. - Well, you look like a chola. - Excuse me?

903. And there's been a whole lot of little Mexican kids

904. coming in here to get takeout food today.

905. You're making this a race thing.

906. No. I'm just wondering if you're running

907. some type of game up in here.

908. The only game I'm running

909. is expanding the Captain Bob shrimp business

910. to the Hispanic community.

911. Tartar sauce.

912. Vape? Damn, girl.

913. I am man!

914. - Hear me roar!

915. Rahh!

916. Oh, shit.

917. They're takin' my couch!

918. Hey, leave that right there!

919. That's my couch!

920. Perfect. Couch is perfect right there.

921. We do not need this couch.

922. Now, take it back right now.

923. Sorry, man. We just deliver shit.

924. Ah, so comfy.

925. And look, no fecal stains.

926. That's my money you're sittin' on.

927. We needed a new couch, Frank. So I took care of it.

928. How 'bout you thank me instead of bitching at me?

929. - $600? - Wait, what?

930. - What? - Nice things cost.

931. Yeah, but it's our money too.

932. Yeah, we should have a say in what we buy.

933. Yeah, I mean, it'd be nice

934. to have some cash to buy diapers

935. instead of using your sanitary pads.

936. I, for one, am tired of being repressed and controlled

937. by the women in this family.

938. Are you with me, gentlemen?

939. It might just be the sleep deprivation,

940. but I kind of agree with Frank.

941. You know, me too. Debbie and Fiona

942. have been bitching at us our whole lives.

943. Look what you've done.

944. Are you proud of yourself?

945. No one wants you to be in charge.

946. We didn't elect you.

947. We're on best behavior for this little infant boy

948. who still stands a chance of feeling like a man someday.

949. Oh, fuck you guys. I don't need this shit.

950. Fiona left me the money. You don't like it, leave.

951. Just like a bully to say something like that.

952. Who wants a beer and chicken?

953. Ah, dude, your kid smells like an ashtray.

954. - Dude, I'm stabbing him. - Not if I get there first.

955. I have the shiv.

956. Enzo slipped me his through the vent, bitch.

957. Oh! Shit!

958. Christ on a cross!

959. Ohh!

960. The arm? Weak.

961. - Oh! - Chester, it's Ian.

962. You get to stay. I stabbed you.

963. No, no, no.

964. Jesus Christ!

965. Mick, you're gonna fucking kill him!

966. What are you two morons doing?

967. Hey, I stabbed Chester. Send me to solitary, okay?

968. No, no, no. He's taking the fall for me.

969. Thank you. I-I stabbed this piece of shit.

970. - No, I fuckin' stabbed in. - Jesus, Chester.

971. You got two of them to do it this time?

972. This time?

973. He does this every couple months.

974. Makes a deal with an inmate to stab him

975. so he can postpone his release.

976. You two idiots are comin' with me. Go.

977. - Y— - Hey, I'm bleedin' out

978. - over here. - Calm down, Chester.

979. I'll call the medic.

980. What are you up to... Deb-or-ah?

981. Your mommy's gonna love you so much, you know?

982. She is. Maybe not as much as me, but...

983. it's gonna be pretty close.

984. She's gonna gobble up those teeny-tiny hands.

985. Yeah.

986. And those teeny-tiny ears too. Huh? I'm sorry.

987. And then you know what she's gonna do?

988. One, two, three,

989. four, five.

990. - Oh, shit, dude.

991. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

992. I got you, bud. I got you.

993. I got you. I got you.

994. Everything okay in there?

995. I almost dropped him.

996. Ah.

997. Don't worry if you do.

998. They're made of Jell-O the first few months.

999. He'll be fine. You won't hurt him.

1000. Get some sleep, son.

1001. You look tired.

1002. Well, well.

1003. What do we have here?

1004. Mikey?

1005. I'm not Mikey.

1006. Jesus, did you follow me here?

1007. I'm a dangerous man

1008. with a scary knife.

1009. And... and...

1010. I can't breathe in this thing.

1011. A little help here, please.

1012. - Ooh! - What the hell do you want?

1013. Huh.

1014. You steal all this stuff?

1015. None of your business.

1016. "Purchase date."

1017. "Return by date."

1018. So you're buying this shit,

1019. using it,

1020. and returning it, aren't you?

1021. Get out of my she-shed.

1022. Oh, I will.

1023. I will, as soon as you answer this one question for me.

1024. Who's your daddy?

1025. Why are men so pervy?

1026. I am not blowing you!

1027. Who said anything about blowing me?

1028. You just asked, "Who's your daddy?"

1029. I meant that in a real way, not a sexual way.

1030. Frank is my best friend! You're practically my daughter.

1031. Uh, yeah, no, I'm not.

1032. Who's your daddy?

1033. As in, you need to respect him.

1034. Hell no.

1035. Well, then...

1036. you leave me no choice.

1037. No!

1038. Don't.

1039. You get these back when Frank is head of the household

1040. and in charge of the family money.

1041. You don't think I can deck you right now?

1042. You don't think I could eat these receipts right now?

1043. Don't eat that!

1044. You know what you have to do.

1045. You got 24 hours.

1046. Make things right.

1047. Fuck!

1048. Quit tomorrow, okay?

1049. Sleep well, my prince,

1050. for tomorrow...

1051. you shall be king.

1052. Yeah.

1053. Wake up!

1054. Get up, Gallaghers.

1055. I just got Freddie back down.

1056. You wake him, so help me, God.

1057. Yeah, I know you're gonna throw out my breakfast

1058. - if I'm not down in time. - What is it this time, Debs?

1059. Cover your tits, everyone.

1060. - She may have a knife. - Shh!

1061. No knives. What I do have, however,

1062. are ATM cards, one for the each of you.

1063. What?

1064. Hundred bucks on each, to be replaced weekly.

1065. - Sweet. - 'Bout time.

1066. Well, I really should get more on mine.

1067. I realized that I've been holding power over all of you

1068. because I feel shitty about myself.

1069. Uh, you only pull wings off a fly

1070. because you're dead inside, right?

1071. So... one for you...

1072. and you...

1073. you.

1074. Frank,

1075. if you wanna take over as head of the household,

1076. please do.

1077. It's a shit job.

1078. My receipts.

1079. I can't believe that's what you wanted to buy

1080. with your money.

1081. Gotta start a business, son.

1082. Can't get ahead on a fry cook's salary.

1083. Plus, it's better than that shitty ancestry kit

1084. you wanted to buy.

1085. - Just wanna know who I am. - You're a Gallagher.

1086. - Same as me. - I'm black.

1087. Yeah, and you get to check the black card

1088. for the rest of your life.

1089. Move to the front of the line. You got it made.

1090. Except I can't walk down the street wearing a hoodie

1091. without worrying that a cop's gonna put me in a chokehold.

1092. You can just pick up your order over there.

1093. Hey, Anne, I got a proposition for you.

1094. I know you're selling vape pens

1095. to little Mexican kids.

1096. - That is not what I'm d— - Don't argue.

1097. I already looked in your tartar sauce box.

1098. - Is than a euphemism? - No.

1099. And I wanna go into business with you.

1100. Why would I do that?

1101. Well, because you only have the Hispanic market,

1102. and if you wanna expand your business,

1103. you gotta tap into the underage white kids that I know

1104. - and black kids... - That I know.

1105. So you and I are partners now. We'll split profits 50-50.

1106. Liam and I will go to the playground,

1107. round up new buyers.

1108. And here's your supplies.

1109. Menthol?

1110. Trust me, my customers will love it.

1111. - I stabbed him first. - No, you did not.

1112. - Oh, shut up. - You shut up.

1113. Don't fuckin' tell me what to do.

1114. If you shut your fuckin' pie hole,

1115. I wouldn't have to tell you what to do.

1116. Yeah, please, that'll be the day,

1117. when Ian Gallagher doesn't nag the shit outta my ass

1118. and tell me what to do about somethin'!

1119. You know, if you just wiped the toilet seat

1120. for once in your life, I wouldn't fuckin' nag you.

1121. If you just, like, picked up your nail clippings—

1122. Who gives a shit about any of that?

1123. We're in fuckin' prison!

1124. - I do, you fuckin' pig. - That's the problem.

1125. You sound like a couple of old broads.

1126. I'ma murder you two if you don't stop talkin'.

1127. Hi, Frank.

1128. Give us a hand here, would you, kid?

1129. Hey, Frank, do you know who banged a black person

1130. in our family lineage?

1131. Yeah, someone from your mother's grandfather's

1132. side of the family had a mistress.

1133. - And she was black? - She is black.

1134. She's still alive?

1135. Lives down the street.

1136. What?

1137. Why didn't you tell me?

1138. Get away from the house, Frank.

1139. You know the rules.

1140. That's why, son.

1141. Oh, shit. Not again.