1. No, no, fucker, no!Copy !req
2. Fuck no!Copy !req
3. I am not telling youCopy !req
4. what happened last season
on "Shameless"!Copy !req
5. Yeah!Copy !req
6. Yeah—no!Copy !req
7. Not without me, Frank,
you motherfucker!Copy !req
8. Put me down. Put me down.Copy !req
9. No more!
Ah!Copy !req
10. Ooh.Copy !req
11. How long
did the doctor sayCopy !req
12. you were gonna be
like this?Copy !req
13. Three to six months.Copy !req
14. I think I might
be gay.Copy !req
15. Where is this coming from?Copy !req
16. Is this because
you're a welder now?Copy !req
17. No,
I've just been feeling waysCopy !req
18. that I've never
felt before.Copy !req
19. Is Liam back
from church yet?Copy !req
20. - Yeah.
- Where is he?Copy !req
21. - In his room.
- His room?Copy !req
22. Yeah, I've noticed
that you're black.Copy !req
23. Your point?Copy !req
24. That you have never
made any attemptCopy !req
25. to surround me with my own
cultural and racial heritage.Copy !req
26. - What's this?
- My list of demands.Copy !req
27. Once agreed upon,
I'll consider coming home.Copy !req
28. I didn't make it pastCopy !req
29. the first round
of cuts for West Point.Copy !req
30. You're going
back to school.Copy !req
31. No, I'm not.Copy !req
32. Yes, you are, Carl.Copy !req
33. I'm a loser, Debbie.Copy !req
34. So are you done
being a pussyCopy !req
35. and ready to get back
to being the man that I love?Copy !req
36. Oh, shit.Copy !req
37. You guys invited Jabby?Copy !req
38. I was hoping
you'd be here.Copy !req
39. I've having a lot
of really great sex recently.Copy !req
40. Let's go bang one out,Copy !req
41. get my average back in
the shitter where it belongs.Copy !req
42. Yeah, you know,
I could useCopy !req
43. some fresh puke on my shoes,
so that'd be good.Copy !req
44. I'm pregnant.Copy !req
45. You sure it's mine?Copy !req
46. Yeah, I'm sure
it's yours.Copy !req
47. If you decide
to have this baby,Copy !req
48. I wanna make damn sure
it has a father.Copy !req
49. Anybody order
a hot piece of ass?Copy !req
50. Feast your eyes, boys.Copy !req
51. You can look,
but you can't touch.Copy !req
52. Is that Jesus?Copy !req
53. And I'm thinking maybe
it's time for me to go.Copy !req
54. You should go.Copy !req
55. What?Copy !req
56. You should get
the fuck out.Copy !req
57. You deserve it.Copy !req
58. You should go
as far away as you can.Copy !req
59. A check for $50,000.Copy !req
60. "Love you."Copy !req
61. Yeah, she does.Copy !req
62. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
63. Oh, yeah, baby.Copy !req
64. I'm so wet.Copy !req
65. I'm so very,
very wet.Copy !req
66. Um...Copy !req
67. - One sec. One sec.
- What?Copy !req
68. Okay.Copy !req
69. Yeah.Copy !req
70. - Yeah.Copy !req
71. It slipped out again.
I slipped.Copy !req
72. Okay, hang on.
Let me get on top.Copy !req
73. All right.Copy !req
74. Careful, careful.Copy !req
75. Yeah.Copy !req
76. Whew, okay.Copy !req
77. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
78. Yeah, no, whoa, whoa,
I just felt the baby kick.Copy !req
79. Oh, focus.Copy !req
80. Baby likes it.Copy !req
81. Yeah.Copy !req
82. Really?Copy !req
83. Yeah, yeah, oh!Copy !req
84. Is it really that hard to put
your clothes down the chute?Copy !req
85. Come on!Copy !req
86. Baby wants you
to smack that ass.Copy !req
87. No, Liam, I have to pee!Copy !req
88. - Oh, yes, yes!
- Oh.Copy !req
89. Sorry, Sister Debbie.Copy !req
90. Five after seven
is my bathroom time,Copy !req
91. per the deal with meCopy !req
92. for me to come live
in this cracker barrel.Copy !req
93. I'm not your maid, people!Copy !req
94. Ooh.Copy !req
95. Ugh.Copy !req
96. Get your head
out of the sink, Frank.Copy !req
97. Where's your pants?Copy !req
98. Has anyone
seen my gas mask?Copy !req
99. And my work boots?Copy !req
100. Anything left
in the upstairs hallwayCopy !req
101. can now be found
in the backyard!Copy !req
102. What? Why?Copy !req
103. 'Cause the hallway
is a public space,Copy !req
104. and all public spaces need
to be kept clear of clutterCopy !req
105. to allow for safe egress
in the event of fire.Copy !req
106. All right.Copy !req
107. Can you get out
of the kitchen, Frank?Copy !req
108. Hey, shoo.Copy !req
109. No pants, Frank.Copy !req
110. Hey, good morning, Debbie.Copy !req
111. Mwah.Copy !req
112. Hi.Copy !req
113. Who are you
supposed to be today?Copy !req
114. Frederick Douglass.Copy !req
115. Liam, sausage and eggs.Copy !req
116. Grab a plate.Copy !req
117. I don't eat
the white man's swine.Copy !req
118. - Huh?
- Pork.Copy !req
119. I like swine.Copy !req
120. Hey!Copy !req
121. Ouch.Copy !req
122. Only kids under 12
eat for free.Copy !req
123. Everybody else pays.Copy !req
124. Farhad's letting meCopy !req
125. borrow his car
on Saturday to go visit Ian.Copy !req
126. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
127. Yeah, if any of you
guys want to tag along,Copy !req
128. Franny and I are gonna leave
at 8 a. m. sharp.Copy !req
129. Yeah, we're in.Copy !req
130. Me too.Copy !req
131. Cool. Frank?Copy !req
132. What?Copy !req
133. Down to visit Ian?Copy !req
134. No one ran a load?Copy !req
135. Okay, listen up,
people.Copy !req
136. For the last time,
I'm not Fiona.Copy !req
137. I've got my own kid
to raise.Copy !req
138. If you wanna do your laundry,
do it yourself.Copy !req
139. It's right there.Copy !req
140. You don't want breakfast, Liam?
Fine.Copy !req
141. I gotta get to work.Copy !req
142. All right, you good?Copy !req
143. - Yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
144. Bye.Copy !req
145. I love you so much.Copy !req
146. I miss you already.Copy !req
147. All right.Copy !req
148. - I'll see you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
149. Bye, family.Copy !req
150. Bye.Copy !req
151. She have a serious head injury
or something recently?Copy !req
152. Ah, it's just the baby
hormones making her nice.Copy !req
153. - School?
- Yep.Copy !req
154. All right,
let's go.Copy !req
155. Bye, Debs.
See ya, Franny.Copy !req
156. Bye.Copy !req
157. Gallagher, get your ass up!Copy !req
158. How long have I been in here?Copy !req
159. Clean yourself up.Copy !req
160. You're graduatingCopy !req
161. so we can kick you
the hell out.Copy !req
162. - Attention!Copy !req
163. Forward!Copy !req
164. One, two!Copy !req
165. Left, left, right, left.Copy !req
166. Left, left, left, right, left.Copy !req
167. Your dashiki came!Copy !req
168. Yeah, yesterday.Copy !req
169. Very handsome.Copy !req
170. Frederick Douglass
breakfast?Copy !req
171. Slave or freedom breakfast?Copy !req
172. Slave breakfast from my new
"Slave Quarters Cookbook,"Copy !req
173. grits and okra.Copy !req
174. Slaves ate okra?Copy !req
175. That's what the book says:
okra, weeds, roots,Copy !req
176. whatever we could grow or dig
up behind slave quarters.Copy !req
177. Master only gave us a cup
of cornmeal a day to live on.Copy !req
178. Want some
blackstrap molasses?Copy !req
179. Sure.Copy !req
180. What do you think
of Chukwuemeka?Copy !req
181. I wanna ditch
my slave name.Copy !req
182. It means "God has done
something great" in Igbo.Copy !req
183. I like it.Copy !req
184. God definitely did something
great day you were born.Copy !req
185. Mornin'.Copy !req
186. Mornin'.Copy !req
187. Good morning, girls.Copy !req
188. - Hi.
- Hi, Daddy.Copy !req
189. Don King, right?Copy !req
190. No, Frederick Douglass.Copy !req
191. Who?Copy !req
192. Author,
orator, escaped slave.Copy !req
193. Oh, you two studying him
in your "being black" class?Copy !req
194. Yep, we are
up to the Civil War.Copy !req
195. Reconstruction
is next.Copy !req
196. Have to cover
the Emancipation ProclamationCopy !req
197. and the defeat
of the slave-owning traitorCopy !req
198. Robert E. Lee at the hands
of black soldiersCopy !req
199. who fought and died to save
America for the white man.Copy !req
200. I always thought
Robert E. LeeCopy !req
201. was some sort
of great general.Copy !req
202. Racist shithead.Copy !req
203. But don't he have statues?Copy !req
204. Statues all gotta come down.Copy !req
205. What the hell is that?Copy !req
206. Chitlins.Copy !req
207. - Chitlins?
- Pig intestines.Copy !req
208. Really?Copy !req
209. We gotta eat
what our ancestors ateCopy !req
210. if we're gonna understand
what they sacrificed for us.Copy !req
211. All right, baby, I'm going to
the park to shoot some hoops.Copy !req
212. I'll see you later
at the Alibi.Copy !req
213. Bye, girls.
See you later, Fred.Copy !req
214. Why can't I getCopy !req
215. a couple of hundred bucks
of my Fiona money now?Copy !req
216. Fiona didn't
leave you any money, Frank.Copy !req
217. She left money
for the family,Copy !req
218. and she left it under
my controlCopy !req
219. because she knows
I'm the only GallagherCopy !req
220. that wouldn't waste it
on frivolous, stupid things.Copy !req
221. I've divided Fiona's $50,000
into three categories:Copy !req
222. 30,000 for essentials,
20,000 for savings.Copy !req
223. Savings?Copy !req
224. What the hell for?Copy !req
225. We need a rainy day
fund, Frank.Copy !req
226. Anytime you're around,
it's pouring.Copy !req
227. After I take care
of all of the essentials,Copy !req
228. whatever's left goes into
the discretionary fundCopy !req
229. with money divided equally
for each of us,Copy !req
230. you included, unfortunately.Copy !req
231. Doctors?Copy !req
232. Yep, and dentists.Copy !req
233. What's wrong
with the ER?Copy !req
234. It's free.Copy !req
235. The ER is not free,
Frank.Copy !req
236. You just don't
pay your bills.Copy !req
237. Garbage disposal,
home repairs.Copy !req
238. Taxes?Copy !req
239. What's this 600 bucks
you've already takenCopy !req
240. out of my nonexistent
discretionary money?Copy !req
241. 600 bucks, new couch.Copy !req
242. There's nothing wrong
with our couch.Copy !req
243. You spent the last six monthsCopy !req
244. dribbling your broken leg
juices and piss all over it.Copy !req
245. It's perfectly fine.Copy !req
246. It's just—Copy !req
247. the cushions need plumping,
that's all.Copy !req
248. Yeah, we're getting
a new couch,Copy !req
249. and it's coming out
of your share.Copy !req
250. Oh, no, it is not.Copy !req
251. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
252. All right, I gotta
go to work now,Copy !req
253. you know, that thing
people do to make moneyCopy !req
254. to support their children.Copy !req
255. You might want
to wash those clothes.Copy !req
256. You smell likeCopy !req
257. a sushi restaurant dumpster
on a hot day.Copy !req
258. Right here, here.
Here, here.Copy !req
259. Oh!Copy !req
260. Don't give it to him.Copy !req
261. I'm open.
Pass me the ball.Copy !req
262. Here, here,
here, here, here.Copy !req
263. I got it.
I got it.Copy !req
264. - Awesome, Pete.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
265. Give me the ball, man.
Give me the ball.Copy !req
266. Give me the ball!Copy !req
267. Come on, man.Copy !req
268. Give me
the damn ball, man.Copy !req
269. Give me the rock.
I'm open.Copy !req
270. Yo, yo, yo, yo, look up!
Look up!Copy !req
271. Pass it!Copy !req
272. Right here,
here, here, here.Copy !req
273. Oh, man.Copy !req
274. Morning, Gloria.Copy !req
275. Anything governmental
check-like in there?Copy !req
276. Government hasn't figured out
you're scammingCopy !req
277. our hard-earned
taxpayer dollars yet, Frank?Copy !req
278. I am a loyal citizen
of this great republic,Copy !req
279. currently unemployed
due to endemic ageismCopy !req
280. and disruptive technologiesCopy !req
281. reordering everything
in our new gig economy.Copy !req
282. Fiona, Fiona.Copy !req
283. Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.
Fiona.Copy !req
284. You should thank me
for continuing to payCopy !req
285. your inflated
civil service wagesCopy !req
286. while the Silicon Valley
eggheads program the dronesCopy !req
287. that will make your
antiquated job obsolete.Copy !req
288. Here we go.Copy !req
289. Don't look at me
like that.Copy !req
290. I've got a system.Copy !req
291. It's all going back.Copy !req
292. Nordstrom's is blue,Copy !req
293. Marshalls is pink,Copy !req
294. Bloomie's is purple,Copy !req
295. Chanel is orange,
Gucci's black,Copy !req
296. and Prada is yellow.Copy !req
297. I deserve
to feel special.Copy !req
298. What should I wear
under my Carhartts today,Copy !req
299. La Perla or Victoria's Secret?Copy !req
300. Victoria's Secret.Copy !req
301. Victoria's Secret it is.Copy !req
302. Who you supposed
to be today?Copy !req
303. Frederick Douglass.Copy !req
304. In a dashiki?Copy !req
305. Douglass was from
Senegambia.Copy !req
306. Dude, it's not
a real place.Copy !req
307. You gotta chill out
with that shit.Copy !req
308. You look like
"Coming to America."Copy !req
309. Most people aren't
as ignorant as you.Copy !req
310. They'll appreciate this.Copy !req
311. We going or not?Copy !req
312. Okay.Copy !req
313. I'm not walking next to you
dressed like that.Copy !req
314. She wants
to have sex all the time.Copy !req
315. All right,
three times last nightCopy !req
316. and again this morning.Copy !req
317. No hemorrhoids or problems
with the mucus plug?Copy !req
318. What's a mucus plug?Copy !req
319. You'd know if you'd had
a problem with it.Copy !req
320. You know, I never thought
I'd be complainingCopy !req
321. about having
this much sex.Copy !req
322. Enjoy it while you can.Copy !req
323. Cami didn't want me
to touch her for monthsCopy !req
324. after Miles was born.Copy !req
325. Oh, that's the thing,Copy !req
326. she's so fucking nice
to me all the time.Copy !req
327. You know, it's all
honey, sweetie.Copy !req
328. She called me boo
this morning.Copy !req
329. I mean, it's "alien
abduction movie" creepy.Copy !req
330. I don't like it.Copy !req
331. It won't last.Copy !req
332. Once the baby's born,
with the sleep deprivation,Copy !req
333. the postpartum craziness,
and Tami being kind of a bitch,Copy !req
334. it's gonna be a rough ride,
my friend.Copy !req
335. Is that valves?Copy !req
336. Hmm, and rings.Copy !req
337. Cami's making a list
of stuff she thinksCopy !req
338. you still need to buy
before your baby gets here.Copy !req
339. Oh, come on, man.
Really?Copy !req
340. Wha—what about all the shit
we got at the baby shower?Copy !req
341. The expensive stuff
nobody around hereCopy !req
342. can afford to give
at a shower.Copy !req
343. It's a fancy breast pump,Copy !req
344. baby video monitor
that connects to your phone,Copy !req
345. some Scandinavian
car seat-stroller combo thing.Copy !req
346. I grew up
around a ton of kids.Copy !req
347. I never had
any of that shit.Copy !req
348. You know, Frank wouldn't even
buy us diapers half the time.Copy !req
349. He'd tape garbage bags
around us,Copy !req
350. hose us off in the backyard
before bedtime.Copy !req
351. Really?Copy !req
352. No, but close.Copy !req
353. It's on a different floor.Copy !req
354. One moment, please.
I'll transfer you.Copy !req
355. How you feeling, Frank?Copy !req
356. Still in
a lot of pain, Doc.Copy !req
357. Really,
after all this time?Copy !req
358. I can barely sleep.Copy !req
359. The pain
is excruciating.Copy !req
360. Oxycontin is the only thing
making life bearable.Copy !req
361. Hmm, well,
let's take a look.Copy !req
362. Doc, please, careful.Copy !req
363. I haven't touched you yet,
Frank.Copy !req
364. I think
that kid surgeon, uh,Copy !req
365. musta severed
some nerves or something.Copy !req
366. How long's it been now,
six months?Copy !req
367. Five.
Five months of agony.Copy !req
368. Well, congratulations.Copy !req
369. You're healed.Copy !req
370. You might experience
some minor discomfort,Copy !req
371. but you can take care of that
with some Advil.Copy !req
372. Advil?Copy !req
373. Yeah, or anything
over the counter will do.Copy !req
374. You're cutting me off?Copy !req
375. Gotta err on
the side of caution.Copy !req
376. Oxycontin
is highly addictive.Copy !req
377. We wouldn't want you
to become drug dependent.Copy !req
378. Shouldn't you be
titrating me down slowlyCopy !req
379. like a half a dose
for a year or two,Copy !req
380. - Maybe, um—
- Nope.Copy !req
381. - Vicodin.
- No.Copy !req
382. - Codeine.
- Not a chance.Copy !req
383. So that's it.Copy !req
384. You're just gonna let me
suffer in silence.Copy !req
385. Oh, I don't think you're
gonna be silent, Frank.Copy !req
386. You know,
you may want to tryCopy !req
387. to slip out the back
on your way out.Copy !req
388. The billing department put out
a most-wanted deadbeats poster,Copy !req
389. and your picture
is on it.Copy !req
390. When the doctors
in this dumpCopy !req
391. start caring about
their patients in pain,Copy !req
392. maybe some of us'll start
paying our bills!Copy !req
393. Well, shit.Copy !req
394. Hey, yo,
African booty scratcher!Copy !req
395. Yo, dashiki boy!Copy !req
396. Yeah, you.Copy !req
397. I'm talking to you,
Mufasa.Copy !req
398. - Yo, kid!Copy !req
399. I'm that guy now,Copy !req
400. that pathetic old guy
that no one guardsCopy !req
401. because he can't
make a basket.Copy !req
402. You're not old-old,
honey,Copy !req
403. but every athlete
slows down a bit.Copy !req
404. Maybe you just need
to change up your game.Copy !req
405. Has Brady slowed down?Copy !req
406. No, he just won
the Super Bowl last year.Copy !req
407. Tiger Woods?
No.Copy !req
408. He won the Masters.Copy !req
409. Those guys
are freaks of natureCopy !req
410. pampered and coddled by an army
of trainers and nutritionists.Copy !req
411. Not to mention the
performance-enhancing drugs.Copy !req
412. Brady doesn't use
performance-enhancing drugs.Copy !req
413. Uh-huh,
sure he doesn't.Copy !req
414. Look, you can't
compare yourselfCopy !req
415. to professional athletes,
Kev.Copy !req
416. Hell, I ran a 5.2
40 in high school,Copy !req
417. and now I can barely
finish a 5K.Copy !req
418. Or touch your toes.Copy !req
419. You ran a 5K?Copy !req
420. Well, I didn't say
I ran it.Copy !req
421. There was some
walking involved.Copy !req
422. And an Uber.Copy !req
423. It's testosterone.Copy !req
424. Men lose one percent every year
after the age of 30.Copy !req
425. Really, one percent?Copy !req
426. You never had any to begin
with, so don't worry about it.Copy !req
427. It's not me.
It's my shitty shoes.Copy !req
428. Your shoes?Copy !req
429. Yeah, all the players
are wearingCopy !req
430. Kobes and Jordans
and LeBrons.Copy !req
431. This is what I need
right here.Copy !req
432. $350?Copy !req
433. Impact cushioning
and instant responsivenessCopy !req
434. plus easy entry.Copy !req
435. That a shoe
or a fat hooker?Copy !req
436. Absolutely not.Copy !req
437. But, V, my old shoes are
fucking up my shooting rhythm.Copy !req
438. It's not the shoes, honey.
You're just getting old.Copy !req
439. You just said
I wasn't getting old.Copy !req
440. For $350,
you old as shit,Copy !req
441. Bernie Sanders old,
Harry Belafonte old.Copy !req
442. Well,
I'm still buying 'em.Copy !req
443. Not with our money,
you're not.Copy !req
444. It's my money too.Copy !req
445. We're on a budget, Kev.Copy !req
446. What do you suggest
we skip this month,Copy !req
447. food or electricity?Copy !req
448. All right, fine.Copy !req
449. You don't want to help me
reclaim my manhood,Copy !req
450. that's just fine.Copy !req
451. Then I'm gonna earn
my own money,Copy !req
452. and I'm gonna
buy these shoes.Copy !req
453. - Stonewall Jackson Keogh.Copy !req
454. George S. Patton Lopez.Copy !req
455. Carl Francis
Hashish Gallagher.Copy !req
456. Yo, Gallagher!Copy !req
457. You're a disgrace,
Gallagher,Copy !req
458. a dark,
putrid shit stainCopy !req
459. on the reputation
of this institution.Copy !req
460. I never, ever want
to see your face again,Copy !req
461. not on my campus,
not in my town,Copy !req
462. my state, and not ever
in my army.Copy !req
463. We clear, son?Copy !req
464. Crystal, sir.Copy !req
465. I've informed
the Pentagon.Copy !req
466. You're not going
to be allowedCopy !req
467. the honor of dying
for your country.Copy !req
468. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
469. Yeah, baby! Yeah!Copy !req
470. This should really help
with your arthritis pain,Copy !req
471. but beware of any dizziness.Copy !req
472. It's a common side effect
of Oxycontin.Copy !req
473. Oh, I—I didn't
know that.Copy !req
474. Well, uh, thank you
so much, Bill.Copy !req
475. Oh!Copy !req
476. Goodness gracious,
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
477. Oh, no, I'm sure
it was my fault.Copy !req
478. I am so clumsy
these days.Copy !req
479. No, no,
it's this walker.Copy !req
480. I just can't get used
to using it.Copy !req
481. I broke my hip.Copy !req
482. - Your hip?
- Yeah.Copy !req
483. Oh, that's what happened
to my Danny.Copy !req
484. Oh, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
485. Old age isn't for
the faint of heart, is it?Copy !req
486. When you're right,
you're right.Copy !req
487. - Yeah.
- You take care now.Copy !req
488. Oh, you too.
Thanks.Copy !req
489. Uh, sir?Copy !req
490. Sir, uh, uh,
you in the walker.Copy !req
491. Sir?Copy !req
492. I—I—I think
you have my bag.Copy !req
493. Sir?Copy !req
494. He's stealing
my drugs!Copy !req
495. Police!Copy !req
496. Police!Copy !req
497. Jesus.Copy !req
498. - What the fuck, asshole?
- Shit, what the fuck?Copy !req
499. Mikey?Copy !req
500. Frank.Copy !req
501. Jesus, Mikey, what—Copy !req
502. What happened?Copy !req
503. What happened to you?Copy !req
504. Busted femur.Copy !req
505. Bone poked out
right through the skin.Copy !req
506. Two ER nurses
threw up when they saw it.Copy !req
507. Oh, train.Copy !req
508. I passed out
on the Garfield I platform,Copy !req
509. then I fell
onto the tracks,Copy !req
510. and then the train just came
and took 'em clean off.Copy !req
511. There he is. That's him.Copy !req
512. Uh, good seeing
you, Mikey.Copy !req
513. I gotta go.Copy !req
514. - All right.
- Go quick.Copy !req
515. No, look,
he's running away.Copy !req
516. Go get him.Copy !req
517. Go on, get him.Copy !req
518. Outstanding!Copy !req
519. They're so
fucking disgusting.Copy !req
520. They never do
their own dishes.Copy !req
521. They leave soaking wet towels
on the floor after they shower.Copy !req
522. There's dirty underwear
everywhere.Copy !req
523. You'd think it
would kill themCopy !req
524. to clean their pubes
out of the tubCopy !req
525. or—or use the toilet brush
after they take a shit.Copy !req
526. And then they get mad at me
if I don't buy the groceriesCopy !req
527. or make dinner
or do their laundry.Copy !req
528. Mmm, you smell nice.Copy !req
529. You wearing
that Lancôme again?Copy !req
530. Chanel.Copy !req
531. I got two spritzes left
before I have to return it.Copy !req
532. Nice.Copy !req
533. Yeah, I like it,Copy !req
534. hints of jasmine
and elderberry.Copy !req
535. They're like blind
baby boy pigs.Copy !req
536. And why is it my job
to take care of them?Copy !req
537. I mean, just because
they're boys and I'm girl.Copy !req
538. You know, the Amazon women
had the right idea:Copy !req
539. raise men in cages
for reproduction,Copy !req
540. then sacrifice them
to AphroditeCopy !req
541. on a big
vulva-shaped altar.Copy !req
542. It is long past time
women take over the world.Copy !req
543. Men have been
screwing everything upCopy !req
544. since Adam forced Eve
to eat that damn apple.Copy !req
545. Uh, I think the serpent
made Eve eat the apple.Copy !req
546. Yeah, well, what do you want
to bet the serpent had a dick?Copy !req
547. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
548. Thanks.Copy !req
549. Oh, you made it.Copy !req
550. I didn't see your family.
Are they here somewhere?Copy !req
551. I didn't tell them
I was graduating.Copy !req
552. Why not?Copy !req
553. I wasn't sure
I was going to.Copy !req
554. Carl, Carl!Copy !req
555. Um, Mom, Dad, this is
Corporal Carl Gallagher,Copy !req
556. the only man
who had the courageCopy !req
557. to stand up for me
when I was assaulted.Copy !req
558. Oh!Copy !req
559. Mwah.
Bless you, Corporal.Copy !req
560. Our Charlie couldn't
have made it without you.Copy !req
561. Corporal Gallagher
stood up to eight cadetsCopy !req
562. when they jumped
me in the showers,Copy !req
563. waded in to help me
with only a bar of soap,Copy !req
564. a bottle of conditioner,
and—and a flip-flop.Copy !req
565. I would never have been
able to come out as transCopy !req
566. and begin
hormone reassignment therapyCopy !req
567. if he hadn't been willing
to put his body on the lineCopy !req
568. so that I may live
my gender truth.Copy !req
569. I will never forget you.Copy !req
570. Thank you.Copy !req
571. Did he just say
he wants to be a girl?Copy !req
572. I—I—I thought trans meantCopy !req
573. he was transferring in
from another school.Copy !req
574. Did I just spend six
fucking weeks in the brigCopy !req
575. because some dude
wants to be a chick?Copy !req
576. So you used to work here.Copy !req
577. Yeah, a couple years ago.Copy !req
578. Customers loved it when
I danced to "I Want Your Sex."Copy !req
579. - George Michael.
- Yeah, and I do this fantasticCopy !req
580. little freeze thing
with "Vogue,"Copy !req
581. pop up here,
Madonna.Copy !req
582. How old are you?Copy !req
583. 30—Copy !req
584. Come back at 6
and we'll see how it goes.Copy !req
585. I'm short a dancer tonightCopy !req
586. because Donny's shingles
flared up.Copy !req
587. Thank you so much, man.Copy !req
588. You will not be disappointed,
I promise.Copy !req
589. Margi, hey.Copy !req
590. What are we doing today?Copy !req
591. You wanna do,
uh, more pink highlights,Copy !req
592. or are we taking you back
to your natural brunette?Copy !req
593. Nordic white
with honey streaks.Copy !req
594. I'll give it a shot.Copy !req
595. You know that mask's
kind of freaky, right?Copy !req
596. Yeah, well,
it's better than JuniorCopy !req
597. being born
with flippers and a tail.Copy !req
598. Jeff is definitely
cheating on me.Copy !req
599. But I'm not gonna confront him.Copy !req
600. Think I'll just
start sleeping aroundCopy !req
601. until I pick up
a nasty STD,Copy !req
602. then give it to him
so he can give it to her.Copy !req
603. Serve the skank right.Copy !req
604. You okay?Copy !req
605. Tami?Copy !req
606. Should we
call your doctor?Copy !req
607. Ah, ah!Copy !req
608. - Just breathe.Copy !req
609. Ah!Copy !req
610. - Shit.Copy !req
611. Hey, can you
get that for me?Copy !req
612. Lip's phone.Copy !req
613. It's Tami.Copy !req
614. Yeah, tell her I'll
call her right back.Copy !req
615. Can he call you back?Copy !req
616. Uh, you're gonna
wanna take this.Copy !req
617. Why? Why?
Hey.Copy !req
618. Yeah,
so I've been doingCopy !req
619. a little bit
of this and that.Copy !req
620. I ran a pigeon drop scheme
for a while.Copy !req
621. Ah, people still
falling for that old chestnut?Copy !req
622. Yeah, a sucker
born every minute.Copy !req
623. What about you?
What you been up to?Copy !req
624. I've been stuck on the couch
recovering for months,Copy !req
625. both physically,
my femur,Copy !req
626. and from a broken heart.Copy !req
627. Unlucky in love?Copy !req
628. - Kids.
- Oh.Copy !req
629. My firstborn
ran off.Copy !req
630. And now
my youngest daughter,Copy !req
631. the slutty one that had
the baby in middle school,Copy !req
632. thinks she's in charge.Copy !req
633. She's got her grubby,
slutty handsCopy !req
634. all over
the family purse strings,Copy !req
635. won't even cough up
a few bucksCopy !req
636. for her old man
to have a cold oneCopy !req
637. after a long day
of work.Copy !req
638. You know, we sacrifice
so much for our kids,Copy !req
639. and first chance they get,
wham, bam,Copy !req
640. not even "thank you, Dad,"
you know?Copy !req
641. I—I—nah.Copy !req
642. Oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
643. What you doing?Copy !req
644. I thought we were
going to your place.Copy !req
645. What are we doing here?Copy !req
646. Shopping for a little
home furnishings.Copy !req
647. Do me a favor.Copy !req
648. Go hit that fire alarm
down there, will ya?Copy !req
649. What's in it for me?Copy !req
650. What's in it for you?Copy !req
651. How about...Copy !req
652. a little Purdue party?Copy !req
653. Where's that alarm?Copy !req
654. By the elevator.Copy !req
655. Yeah.Copy !req
656. Please exit
the building calmly, everyone.Copy !req
657. No need for concern.Copy !req
658. Right this way, just out
the front doors, please.Copy !req
659. Probably just
a false alarm.Copy !req
660. Right out that door, sir.Copy !req
661. They can't stop you
from enlisting if you want to.Copy !req
662. Fuck the military.Copy !req
663. The army would be
lucky to have you.Copy !req
664. The army can kiss my ass.Copy !req
665. Then join the navy
with me.Copy !req
666. Sail the seven seas.
See the world.Copy !req
667. Wait, there's seven seas?Copy !req
668. You would look so good
in white bell-bottoms,Copy !req
669. little sailor hat.Copy !req
670. Nobody looks good
in bell-bottoms.Copy !req
671. I, uh, have
some bad news.Copy !req
672. Herpes?Copy !req
673. The day after tomorrow,Copy !req
674. I have to report back to
Annapolis for Plebe Summer.Copy !req
675. Hell's that for?Copy !req
676. Freshman officer training.Copy !req
677. For how long?Copy !req
678. Six weeks.Copy !req
679. So we don't have a lot
of time to fit it all in.Copy !req
680. Fit what all in?Copy !req
681. A summer's worth
of sex.Copy !req
682. 48 condoms?Copy !req
683. In 32 hours.Copy !req
684. You up for the challenge,
Gallagher?Copy !req
685. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
686. Then prove it, pussy.Copy !req
687. Yo, V, do we have
any turmeric?Copy !req
688. No.Copy !req
689. What about spirulina?Copy !req
690. What the hell's
spirulina?Copy !req
691. I have no idea,Copy !req
692. but it's supposed
to boost my testosterone.Copy !req
693. How much of that
are you supposed to use?Copy !req
694. One scoop,
but I'm a pretty big guy.Copy !req
695. Jesus, Kev.Copy !req
696. Holy shit.Copy !req
697. Liam, your lip.
What the hell happened?Copy !req
698. A lack of appreciation
of our shared heritageCopy !req
699. from some of our less woke
black brothers.Copy !req
700. What's he drinking?Copy !req
701. Testosterone smoothie.Copy !req
702. It's supposed to help him
get his manly mojo back.Copy !req
703. Can I have some?Copy !req
704. - No.
- Just a little bit?Copy !req
705. You sure I can't get
just a little bit of that?Copy !req
706. Think it's real this time?Copy !req
707. I'm not sure.Copy !req
708. Did your water break?Copy !req
709. No, but—Copy !req
710. Those are getting
pretty close together.Copy !req
711. Just shut the fuck up and find
a goddamn parking spot!Copy !req
712. She's back.Copy !req
713. All right.Copy !req
714. Oh.Copy !req
715. Hey, all right.Copy !req
716. Can you walk?
Can you walk?Copy !req
717. - Yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
718. Jesus,
of course I can walk.Copy !req
719. - Can you?Copy !req
720. - Yea—ah!
- Honey, hey, hey.Copy !req
721. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.Copy !req
722. Should you
be squatting?Copy !req
723. Yeah, did you
call my sister?Copy !req
724. No, Cami, no.
No, no, no.Copy !req
725. Excuse me!Copy !req
726. I told you,
I don't want you in thereCopy !req
727. staring down my coochCopy !req
728. with a baby head popping out
while I shit in a hospital bed.Copy !req
729. All right, I'm gonna
find you a wheelchairCopy !req
730. so you don't have the baby
in the parking lot, all right?Copy !req
731. Ah, oh!Copy !req
732. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
733. Oh! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
734. Let's go.Copy !req
735. Oh! Whoo!Copy !req
736. Whew.Copy !req
737. - Who you texting?Copy !req
738. Debbie,Copy !req
739. let her know we'll be home
in a couple of hours.Copy !req
740. How many condoms
we have left?Copy !req
741. Hmm.Copy !req
742. 41.Copy !req
743. We're only averaging
one an hour?Copy !req
744. I think we're gonna have to
cut back on your recovery time.Copy !req
745. I think we may need to stopCopy !req
746. for a case of Red Bulls
and some Tiger Balm.Copy !req
747. Mm, I have faith
in you, Gallagher.Copy !req
748. Mm.Copy !req
749. Battery.Copy !req
750. - Who's that?
- Kelly.Copy !req
751. Her and Carl
are almost home.Copy !req
752. I thought your brother
was in the army or something.Copy !req
753. Military school.Copy !req
754. You excited
to see him?Copy !req
755. Yeah.Copy !req
756. Weird, I—I guess I kinda miss
the little dickhead.Copy !req
757. Yeah, excuse me, um, uh,
I don't really knowCopy !req
758. all the answers
to these questions.Copy !req
759. Don't you have it
on file somewhere?Copy !req
760. Are you with
Miss Tamietti?Copy !req
761. - Yeah, yeah.
- Get your ass in here.Copy !req
762. Whoa, whoa, um...Copy !req
763. What, uh—
wha—what's going on?Copy !req
764. Hey, is there
something wrong or, um—Copy !req
765. Put those on.Copy !req
766. Sign this.Copy !req
767. Wait, what is—
what is this?Copy !req
768. Surgical consent.Copy !req
769. Fetal distress.Copy !req
770. We're performing
an emergency C-section.Copy !req
771. We have to get
this baby out now.Copy !req
772. No, no, no, no.
I'm not having a Cesarean.Copy !req
773. I'm having my baby
naturally.Copy !req
774. That's not going
to happen, Tami.Copy !req
775. - Sign it.
- I—I—I'm not really her—Copy !req
776. Are you the father?Copy !req
777. - Yeah, yes.
- Then sign it.Copy !req
778. - Asphyxia.Copy !req
779. - Uh...
- Hold her hand.Copy !req
780. It's coming now.
It's all right.Copy !req
781. Hey, you the guy
taking Donny's place?Copy !req
782. Yeah, I guess so.Copy !req
783. Well, that's Donny's spot
right there.Copy !req
784. Hey, uh, do me a favor,
would ya?Copy !req
785. Rip my ass wax.Copy !req
786. I can't reach back there
with my arthritis.Copy !req
787. You guys are dancers?Copy !req
788. Well, yeah.Copy !req
789. I've been dancing
on Daddy Night for ten years.Copy !req
790. Great tips.Copy !req
791. Hey.Copy !req
792. You can borrow
my Tom Selleck, if you want.Copy !req
793. Millennials love it.Copy !req
794. Okay, go ahead,
yank it.Copy !req
795. Don't be shy.Copy !req
796. Oh!Copy !req
797. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
798. Ah.Copy !req
799. Oh, Carl!Copy !req
800. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
801. What?Copy !req
802. I—I think
the condom broke.Copy !req
803. - Are you sure?
- Yeah, hold on.Copy !req
804. I'm—I—I'll check.Copy !req
805. No, no, I'll do it.Copy !req
806. Drive, get out.Copy !req
807. I'm ovulating.
Get out!Copy !req
808. Drive!
Drive!Copy !req
809. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
810. - Aren't you gonna sit?
- Hell no.Copy !req
811. Gotta keep your nasty little
swimmers downstream.Copy !req
812. - Go!
- Where?Copy !req
813. Find a drugstore,
and fast.Copy !req
814. 27 for me.Copy !req
815. One for you.Copy !req
816. Hey.Copy !req
817. And two for us
to snort now.Copy !req
818. You're a true friend,
Frankie.Copy !req
819. Don't I know it,
Mikey.Copy !req
820. All hail mighty Oxy,Copy !req
821. the Dom Pérignon
of opiates.Copy !req
822. Thank you,
Mr. Sackler.Copy !req
823. You know, he'll never get
the Nobel Prize...Copy !req
824. But he should.Copy !req
825. Yeah, Sackler should
have his face carvedCopy !req
826. on the Mount Rushmore
of drugs.Copy !req
827. Who else should be
on that mountain?Copy !req
828. Um...Copy !req
829. Bob Marley.Copy !req
830. Absolutely.Copy !req
831. - Willie Nelson.
- Gotta have Willie.Copy !req
832. - Willie.
- Keith Richards.Copy !req
833. Keith, yes, Keith.Copy !req
834. Of course.Copy !req
835. Jimi.Copy !req
836. OD'd, maybe not
the best example.Copy !req
837. - Nirvana.Copy !req
838. Well, I loved
their first album.Copy !req
839. No, man, I'm talking
about this moment:Copy !req
840. peace, heaven,
enlightenment.Copy !req
841. Shit, you really
are high.Copy !req
842. - Hmm.Copy !req
843. The four noble truths.Copy !req
844. You lost me there,
little—little friend.Copy !req
845. Yeah, dukkha,Copy !req
846. truth of suffering.Copy !req
847. Not big on suffering.Copy !req
848. Yeah, life is suffering.Copy !req
849. We're born
just to die.Copy !req
850. Buddha.Copy !req
851. You're kinda
bumming me out.Copy !req
852. Life's finite,
Frank.Copy !req
853. No one lives forever.Copy !req
854. We're just dust
waiting to returnCopy !req
855. to our mother...Copy !req
856. The Earth.Copy !req
857. Oh, nice cushions,
by the way.Copy !req
858. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
859. Did all right.Copy !req
860. Yeah, we did.Copy !req
861. We did good.Copy !req
862. - Transfers.
- I want sushi.Copy !req
863. Yeah?Copy !req
864. Disneyland.Copy !req
865. Anywhere.Copy !req
866. It's a boy.Copy !req
867. Did you know?Copy !req
868. No—no, no.Copy !req
869. Check Apgar.Copy !req
870. Apgar is seven.Copy !req
871. Seven, that's good,
right?Copy !req
872. - That's good.
- That's good.Copy !req
873. Hey, hey, it's a boy.Copy !req
874. It's a boy.Copy !req
875. Yeah?Copy !req
876. Yeah, Tami, Tami,
you won't believe it.Copy !req
877. He's so beautiful.Copy !req
878. What are you doing?Copy !req
879. My friend JanisCopy !req
880. said this is what you do
when a condom breaks.Copy !req
881. Plan B, aisle two.
Monistat, aisle three.Copy !req
882. Will there
be anything else?Copy !req
883. Nope, just the sperm killer and
the pineapple Fanta, thanks.Copy !req
884. Unless you have any
samples of Viagra.Copy !req
885. Five-minute Apgar is nine.Copy !req
886. - Good work, Dad.
- Thanks.Copy !req
887. Lip?Copy !req
888. Hey, hey.Copy !req
889. He's doing great.Copy !req
890. Lip?Copy !req
891. Tami?Copy !req
892. Everything okay?Copy !req
893. Weight 3.3 kilos.Copy !req
894. What—what's happening to her?Copy !req
895. What's going on?Copy !req
896. Her BP is dropping.Copy !req
897. - She's hemorrhaging.
- Tami.Copy !req
898. Call surgery,
tell them we're coming up.Copy !req
899. Tami?Copy !req
900. Tami!Copy !req
901. Sir,
please step back.Copy !req
902. I'll go directly to
the lab to drop off the sample.Copy !req
903. Let's go.Copy !req
904. Make sure surgery has
O-neg on hand.Copy !req
905. I'll let them know.Copy !req
906. Hey, do I go
with her or...Copy !req
907. No, no, you should stay here
with your son.Copy !req
908. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
909. Hey, Daddy.Copy !req
910. Uh, do you
wanna spank me?Copy !req
911. I've been
a really bad boy.Copy !req
912. Okay,
thank you, sexy Uncle Sam.Copy !req
913. Our next is new.Copy !req
914. He's hot. He's ripped.Copy !req
915. He's the daddy you wish
you had growing up.Copy !req
916. Get your milk ready because
here comes Captain Crunch!Copy !req
917. Love it!Copy !req
918. Oh!Copy !req
919. The hell, Frank?Copy !req
920. I already got a new couch.Copy !req
921. It's getting delivered
next week.Copy !req
922. You cannot leave
your drug paraphernaliaCopy !req
923. laying around
for Franny to find.Copy !req
924. Is that my apron?Copy !req
925. Mikey doesn't likeCopy !req
926. to get kitchen smells
on his clothes.Copy !req
927. What are you doing
on the floor?Copy !req
928. Legs don't seem
to wanna work.Copy !req
929. Whoa, there's somethingCopy !req
930. you don't see every day.Copy !req
931. Hey,
how you doin'?Copy !req
932. Who is this, Frank?Copy !req
933. Mikey O'Shea,
follower of Buddha,Copy !req
934. seeker of
the five truths.Copy !req
935. Four.Copy !req
936. Lover of dukkha
and my best friend.Copy !req
937. Am I still taking
Franny tonight?Copy !req
938. Please.Copy !req
939. I've got a deep-sea
welding class.Copy !req
940. That's a thing?Copy !req
941. Yeah, shipyards
and oil platformsCopy !req
942. pay big dough for
underwater welders.Copy !req
943. Come on,
beautiful girl.Copy !req
944. Let's get you
and the twins some dinner.Copy !req
945. Love you too, pumpkin.Copy !req
946. Joining us
for dinner tonight, Kwame?Copy !req
947. Chitlins involved?Copy !req
948. Cheese pizza okay?Copy !req
949. Harriet Tubman
liked pizza?Copy !req
950. That's the rumor.Copy !req
951. Nice dashiki.Copy !req
952. Hey, everybody,
it's a boy.Copy !req
953. Oh my!Copy !req
954. And Tami?Copy !req
955. Um, yeah, she, uh—she needed
an emergency C-section.Copy !req
956. Um, there were
some complications, bleeding.Copy !req
957. She's—she's still in the OR.Copy !req
958. Shit.Copy !req
959. But she's gonna
be okay, right?Copy !req
960. I don't—I don't know.
I don't know.Copy !req
961. I mean, they
wouldn't tell me anything else.Copy !req
962. Well, go find
the fuck out.Copy !req
963. Okay, okay,
she's in surgery, Cami.Copy !req
964. They'll let us know
how she isCopy !req
965. as soon as they have
something to tell us.Copy !req
966. Mr. Tamietti?Copy !req
967. Yes.Copy !req
968. Oh, sorry, you know, I think,
uh, she actually means me.Copy !req
969. Uh, I'll come back as soon
as I know anything, all right?Copy !req
970. You up for going one more time
before we head in?Copy !req
971. I could really
use a bed.Copy !req
972. I kind of threw
my back out.Copy !req
973. That, and I need
to ice my balls.Copy !req
974. Maybe we could do it
in the shower and thenCopy !req
975. - maybe up on the roof.Copy !req
976. Debbie?Copy !req
977. No, Lip.
Tami had the baby.Copy !req
978. That's great.Copy !req
979. Yeah, but she's
in trouble.Copy !req
980. What?Copy !req
981. Something went wrong.Copy !req
982. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
983. Hey, looks like the boys
love the new daddy, huh?Copy !req
984. Did somebody
punch your tit?Copy !req
985. No, hickeys.Copy !req
986. One of the software engineers
from GoogleCopy !req
987. likes to pretend
he's nursing.Copy !req
988. Yeah, well,
you're lucky.Copy !req
989. I had a guy who wanted me
to change his diaper.Copy !req
990. - Oh.Copy !req
991. Good evening, Mauve.Copy !req
992. Oh, welcome back.Copy !req
993. Your usual?Copy !req
994. Please.Copy !req
995. You look fantastic.Copy !req
996. Thank you.Copy !req
997. I love your dress.Copy !req
998. Herve Leger.Copy !req
999. Wonderful.Copy !req
1000. - Thank you.Copy !req
1001. Fold the bottom of the
blanket over baby's feet.Copy !req
1002. Then just tuck the point
into the top, okay?Copy !req
1003. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1004. Sit.Copy !req
1005. Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
1006. Set him like this.Copy !req
1007. Hey.Copy !req
1008. Hey.Copy !req
1009. Shh.Copy !req
1010. Shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
1011. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
1012. Shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
1013. Boy or girl?Copy !req
1014. Boy.Copy !req
1015. Are you sure
it's yours?Copy !req
1016. Tami?Copy !req
1017. I don't know.Copy !req
1018. Still in surgery.Copy !req
1019. It'll be okay.Copy !req
1020. That's your uncle.Copy !req
1021. It's a boy.Copy !req
1022. No, Ian
doesn't know yet.Copy !req
1023. - Oh!
- Buddy!Copy !req
1024. Hey, guys, I'm open.
I'm open.Copy !req
1025. Hey, the ball, ball,
ball, ball, ball!Copy !req
1026. - Come on, man!
- No, no, no, no!Copy !req
1027. Oh!Copy !req
1028. Back to the retirement home!Copy !req