Sex Education 1x8

1. Glenoxi.

2. At last we meet.

3. Lord Zortac. I've been expecting you.

4. I've traveled across four universes to fuck.

5. Let's do this, you cosmic hunk.

6. Oh!

7. Get to the sex!

8. - Oh, okay.

9. Ow! Ow! Aah!

10. What's wrong?

11. Nothing, try again.

12. Retreat! Oh, retreat.

13. - Oh... - Why won't it go in?

14. I don't know.

15. Haven't you got training?

16. Not going. Can't be bothered.

17. Hey.

18. You know what I said before...

19. Like, the whole, like, "I love you" thing.

20. I was seriously wasted.

21. So I don't expect you to, like...

22. say it back or anything, you know?

23. Okay.

24. Dad?

25. I'm home.

26. Go and get ready for school.

27. And please, be quiet.

28. Your mother's been worried sick and she's only just gone to sleep.

29. Morning, darling.

30. Will you save the crossword for me, please?

31. You've been very quiet lately, sweetheart.

32. Is there anything wrong?

33. I made some notes on your book.

34. The one about me.

35. You should consider using a thesaurus in the future.

36. Your vocabulary is very limited.

37. Otis, let's talk about this in a calm and rational way.

38. Not calm! Not rational!

39. - We'll talk about it later, darling.

40. Come on!

41. Ow!

42. Stupid bike!

43. - Is this about your mum's book? - Oh, no, I mean,

44. it's only a heavily researched, meticulously detailed account

45. of raising a sexually repressed 16-year-old boy.

46. Me, by the way.

47. Chapter One. "Otis's surprise emission."

48. Sorry. Not funny. Very bad, Jean.

49. Look, well, at least you went to the dance with an actual girl.

50. - That's progress, man. - I called her a goat and she left.

51. Still, an improvement.

52. Anyway, I thought you called her a house cat.

53. Yeah, I also called her a goat.

54. Do you like Ola?

55. Yeah, I... I do. A lot.

56. Then why did you call her a goat?

57. Promise not to laugh.

58. She seemed to think that there was something going on

59. - between Maeve and I, romantically, and—

60. Sorry, not the funny part.

61. I was trying to reassure her how ridiculous that was,

62. because someone like Maeve is never gonna be interested in me,

63. because I'm a loser and she is a lioness.

64. Aaah.

65. Therefore, Ola is a house cat.

66. Wow.

67. Otis, you know, for a sex therapist, you are surprisingly insensitive.

68. On the upside, at least you're gonna be famous with this new book.

69. Like that man that was born with tree arms.

70. Maeve Wiley and Otis Milburn to Mr Groff's office.

71. The lioness awaits.

72. She's still not talking to me.

73. Wow. Women really hate you.

74. Nice outfit.

75. - Thanks, Anwar. I love— - There's really no need to respond.

76. Glad to see you back, Eric.

77. Uh... Thanks, sir.

78. Um...

79. - I've been meaning to apologize. - Hey, it's...

80. Look, we all have bad days, you know?

81. But in every cloud, there is a rainstorm.

82. No, wait, sorry, that's not right.

83. "There is a rainbow in every cloud," is it?

84. - Okay... - Basically, it's all in the past.

85. - Yeah. - And, um...

86. - The two weeks of detention? - Still very much in your future.

87. - Oh. Okay. Okay. - Mm. So...

88. - I'll see you after school. - Okay...

89. Look, about what... what happened—

90. I'm over it.

91. Maeve.

92. You're first.

93. I've been watching you and your little friend.

94. Meeting up before school,

95. hanging around after hours,

96. secret whispers,

97. exchanging money.

98. Okay, well... we're just hangin' out.

99. I think you've been doing a lot more than just enjoying each other's company.

100. I know all about your drug ring.

101. They're not mine.

102. You expect me to believe that that spineless beanpole Milburn...

103. is responsible for dealing hard drugs?

104. Otis had nothing to do with it.

105. - These are study drugs, sir, they're not— - You seem to know an awful lot about them,

106. considering you had absolutely nothing to do with it.

107. Did you and your little friend get them from your brother?

108. Oh, yes.

109. I know all about your unsavory family history.

110. And you...

111. have let an innocent child like Milburn be turned into a drug mule.

112. Otis didn't do anything. Leave him out of it.

113. What are you doing?

114. I'm reporting your brother to the police.

115. Wait.

116. They're mine.

117. What happens now?

118. You're going to tell me exactly what happened at the school dance,

119. and then you will face an external tribunal

120. who will decide whether you have a future at this school.

121. - Milburn. - Yes, sir.

122. A word to the wise.

123. Beware the wild female.

124. They will chew you up and spit you out like stale crisps.

125. Get to class.

126. Yeah.

127. You're not in any trouble. I sorted it.

128. Okay, what... what happened?

129. Are we... are we not gonna talk about this? Is that it?

130. I trusted you, Otis.

131. But...

132. I don't want to have sex with you!

133. Neither do I.

134. You were bad.

135. You played whale music and you would not stop talking.

136. Then you had a panic attack and I had to get your mum.

137. It was an appallingly awkward sexual experience.

138. Look, I need some advice...

139. About my...

140. Clinic's over. Sorry.

141. I didn't tell anyone about what happened.

142. You kind of owe me.

143. It wasn't fucking funny when I pushed you out of my vagina, either.

144. Hello?

145. Jean Milburn?

146. This is Simone McAllister at Bright and Sanders.

147. You sent us the first chapter of Bringing Up Men.

148. We're in the midst of a crisis of masculinity

149. and this feels potentially quite zeitgeisty.

150. - Is there more to read? - Yes.

151. - Yes, there is. - Fantastic.

152. We're particularly interested

153. in the connection you have with the subject.

154. It's so personal.

155. We really feel it could strike a chord with other mothers.

156. When do you think you could send more pages over by?

157. Can I get back to you on that?

158. Yep. Absolutely.

159. Don't take too long, though.

160. I won't.

161. Thank you.

162. Shit! Shit, shit.

163. Oh, God.

164. - Yeah? - Hello, Jakob? It's Jean.

165. I'm really sorry to bother you,

166. but I'm afraid my pipe's burst under my sink.

167. - And the water's going everywhere... - Jean.

168. You have to stop breaking things when you want sex.

169. No, no... No.

170. That's— Er, it's a misunderstanding. I, uh... No, it's really broken.

171. I think I have been very clear.

172. I want a relationship.

173. I do not want to be your handyman.

174. Goodbye, Jean.

175. So, what seems to be— My vagina has betrayed me.

176. Okay. How, exactly?

177. I finally find someone who's DTF,

178. and he can't get his average-sized dick in my stupid vagina.

179. Why is this happening to me?

180. Uh, well... um...

181. It just doesn't make any sense.

182. I've worked so hard.

183. The set, the costumes, the makeup.

184. Everything was perfect.

185. I couldn't even get my finger in there.

186. It's like my vag has lockjaw.

187. What do I do?

188. Well, you used the word "perfect."

189. Maybe it's a way of staying in control.

190. In... in your fantasy, you're in charge.

191. And reality can be... just, quite different.

192. Nah, I just like aliens.

193. Do you like being out of control?

194. I guess not.

195. Like, I hate roller coasters.

196. Me, too. I do not like simulated danger.

197. I guess I am kind of type A.

198. Well, maybe...

199. you're unconsciously halting your progress

200. to stay in control.

201. But I want to have sex, so why would I do that?

202. I don't know.

203. Okay.

204. I need this place spick and span.

205. I've got to do all of this on my own?

206. No! No. God, no.

207. That would be impossible. Uh, no, you have company.

208. Okay.

209. I'll see you boys in two hours.

210. Okay?

211. Go ahead, Tromboner.

212. Get to work.

213. I don't need a plumber tomorrow, I need a plumber today, you moron!

214. Otis, could you just...

215. Uh... You did not just hang up on me! You did not just hang up on me!

216. Otis!

217. This emergency supersedes our argument!

218. Otis, open the door, please!

219. Leave me alone!

220. Jesus Christ, Mum! Get out, please!

221. While you are still under my roof,

222. - Oh! - Why are you so angry?

223. - You're a hypocrite! - What?

224. How? Wh—

225. - Descriptive words, please. - Okay.

226. You say you're all about honesty and clear communication,

227. but you're not honest at all.

228. You inveigle your way into everything I do and then act like it's an accident.

229. You cross multitudes of parental boundaries on a daily basis.

230. You're a... sneaky, sneaky woman!

231. That is a vast over-exaggeration.

232. Well, how is the book coming along?

233. This is becoming hostile now, Otis.

234. I want you to count to ten.

235. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

236. Please leave!

237. Ah, so, if...

238. If the book gets published,

239. of course I will change your name.

240. That's not the point, Mum.

241. I thought you were finally listening to me,

242. that you were letting me be independent, but you just can't help yourself.

243. It's like you want to consume me.

244. You're like the spider-mums that eat their own offspring.

245. Like, you think I'm somehow part of you.

246. Well, you are part of me.

247. No, I'm not, Mum.

248. I'll get it.

249. Um... Ola!

250. You're at my door. Um...

251. Eh... Did you get my text?

252. It said, uh... "Hello."

253. But I guess it should have said, "Sorry."

254. My dad sent me to fix your sink.

255. Um, look, you don't... you don't need to do that. My mum's called a plumber.

256. Uh... This is awkward. Um...

257. I mean, we kind of went on a date, didn't we?

258. And now you're angry with me, but you're also fixing my sink.

259. I'm fixing your mother's sink as a favor for my father.

260. It's not about you.

261. Jakob sent her.

262. - Otis, we need to talk about our fight. - I'm going out.

263. She's so selfish.

264. She pretends the crazy food regime and early mornings is for my benefit,

265. but it's all about her.

266. I don't even know if I like anything except swimming.

267. Shut up.

268. What?

269. You don't know how lucky you are.

270. She gets up every morning to take you to swimming.

271. She goes to all your races.

272. - She cries when you lose. - Wh—

273. She shows you every day that she loves you.

274. - What's the problem? - I'm not—

275. It might be annoying, but at least she cares.

276. Okay.

277. Maybe just tell her the truth about how you feel.

278. I didn't mean to snap, I'm sorry.

279. I need to go talk to my idiot brother.

280. - Hey, sis, you wanna get baked?

281. - No.

282. You said you were gettin' a proper job, not sellin' shit again.

283. Yeah, I am.

284. My mate said he could hook me up as a doorman.

285. You wouldn't last one day, with your weak little arms.

286. My teacher wants me to apply for the Aptitude Scheme at school.

287. Oh, what, you're serious?

288. What, so soon you'll be hangin' out with a bunch of fuckin' virgins,

289. talking about astrophysics and shit?

290. If I get in.

291. I'll probably mess it up somehow, I always do.

292. Nah.

293. You're way smarter than me.

294. You always have been, ever since you were a kid.

295. You're smart.

296. Yeah, but...

297. You're, like, smart-smart, like...

298. You know, could actually have a good life smart.

299. I just don't wanna be living here in ten years, you know?

300. You won't be.

301. I'm gonna get that doorman job.

302. I'll save up and we'll rent a place and we can really get our shit together.

303. Yeah, that sounds nice.

304. I'm really proud of you, sis.

305. Thanks.

306. You know, if you helped me, we could get out of here a lot quicker.

307. Ouch! Stop it.

308. Asshole.

309. What did you say?

310. Were you born a bully? Or are you one because your dad's one?

311. I saw you at the dance.

312. You were terrified of him.

313. Can't imagine being afraid of my own dad.

314. What the fuck would you know, Tromboner?

315. You're doin' it wrong. Let me try.

316. - Give it here. - No, it's fine.

317. Adam, it's fine, I can do it myself.

318. Just give it. It's fine. - You can just leave it.

319. - Leave it, man! What's wrong with you?

320. Get off!

321. Get off me!

322. Sorry.

323. - Sorry, I didn't mean—

324. How do you like it?

325. I don't.

326. Yeah.

327. Didn't think so.

328. So, what does this sheer and perilous hill have to do with my vagina?

329. I think you have something called "vaginismus,"

330. which is the body's automatic reaction to a fear of vaginal penetration.

331. But I really want to have sex.

332. I don't think you're afraid of having sex.

333. I think you're afraid to let go.

334. Which is why you are going to ride down this hill.

335. To face your fears.

336. I don't wanna fuck a hill.

337. Just trust me on this one.

338. Well, what about you?

339. What about me?

340. You had a panic attack when I touched your penis.

341. Maybe we should do it together?

342. I— I—

343. You know what? Eh... forget it. This is... silly.

344. So unsafe.

345. You know, your vagina's gonna open at some point.

346. I can't wait for that!

347. Fuck it!

348. Whoo!

349. This is amazing!

350. This is amazing! Whoo!

351. - Aah! I think that was my hymen!

352. Aah! Fuck!

353. Aaah! Aaah!

354. Otis?

355. Ow!

356. Otis?

357. Fuck!

358. - Otis?

359. Am I dead?

360. No, you're alive.

361. Thank God.

362. Ow! It hurts.

363. Ah, your head is bleeding.

364. - So, this mean I can have sex now?

365. I hope so.

366. Why do you wanna have sex so bad?

367. - What do you mean?

368. You just seem...

369. Ow.

370. You seem desperate to have sex, I don't know why.

371. I dunno.

372. I guess I just feel like, if I don't do it,

373. then I'll graduate school and I won't have had sex,

374. and then I'll go to uni and I'll be behind everyone,

375. and no one will have sex with me because I'm just the weird virgin girl.

376. And then I'll never have sex

377. because I'll be too embarrassed and weird and virginal,

378. and then I'll grow old and die alone in my house,

379. - where I'll be eaten by my pet python.

380. Okay, you've skipped a whole load of steps there.

381. I just don't want to be left behind.

382. I just want it over with.

383. Look, I know it feels like everyone's doing it, and...

384. yeah, some people are, but most of us aren't yet.

385. It's not a race.

386. I think that makes sense.

387. Good.

388. We just rode down this hill for no reason, didn't we?

389. Yeah.

390. Oh!

391. That...

392. What was that?

393. Adam, we should talk about—

394. If you ever tell anyone about this,

395. I will fuckin' end you, do you understand?

396. How was detention?

397. Why? It very was boring.

398. Nothing weird happened. It was a very average detention.

399. Maeve Wiley, report to Mr. Groff's office immediately.

400. Please tell us why you should stay at this school.

401. Nothing?

402. Very well, then...

403. I'm really smart, sir.

404. I'd read all of Jane Austen by the time I was 12.

405. Including her lesser-known work, Lady Susan,

406. which is a severely underrated piece of feminist literature.

407. Um... I can also debate the inherent difference

408. between existentialism and transcendentalism,

409. explaining why Sartre is the prominent voice of the former,

410. and the latter is barely remembered as a philosophical movement.

411. I can also gauge the depths of Mr. Hendricks' personal despair

412. based on his choice of Hawaiian shirt.

413. I'm really smart.

414. I just got unlucky in the family department.

415. I don't get any support.

416. And sometimes I do the wrong thing.

417. But I know I can be better.

418. And if you give me a second chance, I will not waste it.

419. Thank you, Maeve.

420. - Come.

421. Er, you wanted to see me, sir?

422. Yes. If you could just wait outside, please, Jackson. I won't be long.

423. Okay.

424. We'll need some time to consider your position.

425. Until we do so,

426. you are barred from campus.

427. The valves are shaped to stop them opening in the wrong direction.

428. The day you arrive on time, Adam, is the day I eat my hat.

429. Take a seat. There's one next to your detention pal, Eric.

430. - He's not my detention pal. - We're not friends.

431. - Right, okay. Well, just sit down. - Okay.

432. Come on, hombre. Andale.

433. ¡Andale! Where was I? Oh, yes. Valves, yeah.

434. So...

435. Yeah, the sound of the valves closing, here and here,

436. is what we familiarize ourselves...

437. That's the sound we familiarize ourselves with,

438. that is actually our heartbeat.

439. Okay? Heartbeat.

440. Rhythm.

441. Now, these things here, the arteries...

442. The pulmonary arteries,

443. when these get blocked...

444. - What's goin' on? - Nothing.

445. Didn't look like nothin'.

446. - Hey, why won't you talk to me? - I said it's nothing.

447. Well, stop lyin'!

448. They're probably gonna expel me because of some shit my brother did.

449. Is that what you wanna hear?

450. - Shit, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.

451. Hey, talk to me. What's up?

452. - Come here. - Don't touch me!

453. - What? This is too much.

454. - What do you— - You're too much.

455. Why am I always the last to know, Maeve?

456. - What's that supposed to mean? - It means you don't trust me.

457. You never have.

458. Do you love me?

459. - Just say you don't and I'll— - I don't.

460. Jackson, wait.

461. I think we both know that you like somebody else anyway, Maeve.

462. Thank you for coming to see me.

463. I fully appreciate, as head boy,

464. you have a very full schedule with your fellow students,

465. er, and also classes to attend,

466. but I did feel that it was important to tell you

467. that you are one of Moordale's proudest achievements.

468. It would be a tragedy to watch you waste your gift

469. and miss this race.

470. We all go through rough times, but your future is very bright.

471. This isn't about my future, sir, this is about your sports fundin'.

472. No, it's... Uh...

473. Well, ye— yes, okay, sure, but... A little bit, maybe, but it...

474. We do really care about you.

475. Okay. I'll swim.

476. - Oh, fantastic! - If...

477. you let Maeve Wiley stay at school.

478. You can't expel her.

479. Want me to swim? Then she stays.

480. Heard you're getting expelled, Cock Biter.

481. Oh, well, back to the caravan park, then.

482. Maybe you don't have to leave. I hear they're looking for a new cleaner.

483. What the hell are you doing?

484. I'm dumping you. For her.

485. Are you mental?

486. She's a slag.

487. Yeah, you're right.

488. But so am I.

489. - I'm not a slag. - Me either, it sounded good.

490. - Just keep walking.

491. - You wanna play some Smash Bros? - Oh, I can't, I've got detention.

492. Man, things have really changed

493. - since you started punching people. - Mm.

494. Dude, why is your mum here?

495. I don't know.

496. - I'll see you later, all right? - See you later.

497. I'm not stalking you, I promise.

498. I was passing and I just wa— Otis?

499. Will you talk to me, please?

500. Can you not shout, okay?

501. I wish you weren't so concerned about what your peers thought.

502. You don't want to develop a subservient personality trait.

503. What do you want?

504. You're right.

505. I am a hypocrite.

506. And you are my blind spot.

507. Since your dad left, it's just been the two of us.

508. But you're growing up, and...

509. And I feel like I'm losing you.

510. So you decided to write a book about my sexual dysfunction?

511. I thought that it might help me to understand you better.

512. That's so messed up.

513. And you're not repressed,

514. or dysfunctional, or unusually stunted,

515. or any of the things that I said in the book.

516. And I'm sorry.

517. Yeah, well, I am all those things, Mum.

518. And... some of it is your fault.

519. A lot of it's Dad's fault, but mostly it's just...

520. it's me.

521. I'm not... I'm not normal.

522. Of course you're normal.

523. You're 16.

524. You're not supposed to know the answers to anything.

525. You're going to be just fine.

526. Thank you for saying sorry.

527. Well, apologizing isn't just social etiquette,

528. it's a hugely important human ritual

529. that brings relationships together and helps people to move forward, and...

530. And you already know all that, don't you?

531. Do you want to go home?

532. Um...

533. Actually, there's something I need to do.

534. - But I'll be back. I'll be back later. - Okay. Yeah. Okay.

535. You!

536. It's your lucky day.

537. Adam couldn't make it,

538. and there's a speed dating event for jazz lovers

539. that I simply am dying to attend, so, uh...

540. You can go!

541. Get out of here!

542. Eh...

543. Okay. Thank you, sir.

544. Okay!

545. Madam? Madam, come here! Come here!

546. I found Madam!

547. - Oh!

548. Hello, you!

549. Mum, don't make me go.

550. It's what your father wants.

551. One of you will be going home.

552. You are not just serving your food...

553. Yeah, yeah.

554. What? Oh.

555. It's not just pheromones.

556. I like you.

557. Christ, I feel like a teenager.

558. And it's been a long time since...

559. I've felt like this.

560. But?

561. But...

562. my son is the most important person in my life.

563. And he really likes your daughter.

564. But my fear is he found out that...

565. we were in a relationship, he just would...

566. never forgive me.

567. I understand.

568. It's for the best.

569. Yeah.

570. What are you doing here?

571. I'm buying all this cat food.

572. - I didn't know that you had a cat. - I don't.

573. I'm buying all this cat food because...

574. I really like cats.

575. House cats in particular.

576. I like them way more than lions.

577. Is this supposed to be romantic?

578. Yeah. It was.

579. You're holding up the line!

580. Sorry, I'm... I'll just be a minute.

581. We're resolving a past wrongdoing.

582. Yes, I can see that.

583. It's not cute.

584. It's annoying.

585. We'll just be a moment.

586. Don't you take that tone with me, young lady.

587. Very rude.

588. She's not rude, okay? She just has a very direct manner.

589. She's rude and you're pathetic.

590. Now who's being rude?

591. - Ow! - Stupid boy!

592. - She hit me.

593. That was very brave. And also quite emasculating.

594. Look, my shift is over in 15 minutes and I'm gonna walk you home.

595. Whoo! Whoo!

596. - Go on! - Whoo!

597. - Come on. Go. Focus! Focus! - Come on!

598. Whoo!

599. Set...

600. Mail call!

601. A young lad dropped it off. Skinny, sickly-looking fella.

602. Had some really interesting thoughts about me and Jeffrey's marital problems.

603. Thanks.

604. - Have you seen my brother? - Oh, yeah.

605. He told me to pass somethin' on to you.

606. He said... "Tell Maeve to stop hangin' around with a bunch of geeks

607. talking about astrophysics and shit."

608. Something like that.

609. Did he tell you where he was goin'? Or...

610. Said 'e was doin' some shoppin',

611. but he had a big bag with him.

612. Okay. Thanks, Cynthia.

613. Jonathan.

614. Come on, Jackson!

615. Yes!

616. Come on, Jackson! Yes!

617. We knew you could do it!

618. Well done.

619. Is she staying?

620. I don't take bribes.

621. I suggest you forget about Maeve Wiley. Hm?

622. There he is! Jackson! Well done, Jack!

623. - Well done! - Darling!

624. - Well done. - Well done.

625. Maeve, I'm so sorry that I hurt you and betrayed your trust.

626. You saw something in me when no one else did.

627. I was just this invisible guy in the corner,

628. and I thought I liked being that way.

629. Then I met you and I figured out I'm actually good at something.

630. I hope you can forgive me and that we can keep doing the clinic together.

631. You're the smartest person I've ever met and this award is yours.

632. Okay. Look, so... Something I need to tell you.

633. There's a few things, actually.

634. So, uh...

635. This is my house. You know that.

636. Um...

637. Eh... I'm an odd person.

638. What I mean is, I'm unusual, and if you wanna be with me, then...

639. I mean, not like my girlfriend...

640. That's... that's too fast. I know. Eh... No pressure. Just...

641. If you wanted to be, like, a significant other, then...

642. Wow. That sounds like marriage. I don't wanna get married.

643. I mean, maybe one day, with the right person.

644. Which could be you. But not in a weird way. Okay.

645. I can't breathe.

646. Eh...

647. Okay.

648. What I'm trying to say is...

649. I'm just new to all this and I need to take things slowly.

650. - Okay.

651. Do you want to kiss me?

652. Eh... Yeah... Yes, um... I do.

653. Stop talking and do it, then.

654. - I think... - Don't... don't talk.

655. Yeah.

656. Text me?

657. - Cool. - Okay.

658. Oh, God! Ugh!

659. I'm gonna learn how to play Scabby Queen

660. if it's the last thing I do.

661. Will you teach me?

662. Yeah.

663. - Madame.

664. Ugh! Sh!

665. Come on.

666. Come on.

667. Whew.

668. Okay... Eh...

669. Fuck me!