Sex and the City 1x9

Directed by

Haviland Morris as Brooke • Timothy Wheeler as The Turtle • Sebastian Roché as Jerry • Jack Merrill as Personal Ad Guy • Mimi Weddell as Stanford's Grandmother

Mr. Big tells Carrie he's never going to marry again, which unsettles her. Miranda introduces the friends to the Rabbit, a mechanical aid, and Charlotte becomes addicted. Stanford Blatch proposes to Carrie as a cover, so he can inherit his part of the family fortune.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. In a city of perfect people, no one was more perfect than Brooke.

2. She was an interior designer who only dated A-list guys.

3. For Brooke, every Saturday night was like the senior prom.

4. When she got married,

5. we were dying to see which one had made the cut.

6. Was I the only one who remembered that Brooke

7. once described this man as more boring than exposed brick?

8. It was your average $100,000 wedding.

9. Investment bankers and the women who hate them,

10. classmates from Steiner, Dalton and Brown.

11. And us.

12. We looked like The Witches Of Eastwick.

13. A wedding this size always has two singles tables.

14. We were at the other one.

15. Hello.

16. Hi, I'm Bernie Turtletaub, friend of the groom.

17. It was the Turtle. A Manhattan legend, known for two things -

18. good investments and bad breath.

19. My feet are killing me.

20. - Here, sit down. - This outfit only works if I'm standing.

21. I think it works either way.

22. You know, I think I'm at that table over there.

23. Your friend is gorgeous.

24. What do I have to do to get to know her better?

25. Do you think the pears in this tart are Bosc or Bartlett?

26. Who cares?

27. Two hours later, we were bored. Supplies were dwindling,

28. and one of our passengers had jumped ship.

29. Are we going to stick around and catch the bouquet?

30. That is so not going to happen.

31. Bosc, they've got to be Bosc.

32. Can you believe I finally did it?

33. You're next! Bill's got some great single friends.

34. It's always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.

35. People are always telling me things I don't want to hear.

36. But this one crossed the line.

37. - Hey, did I wake you? - Not at all.

38. Question - why do people get married if they're not in love?

39. I don't know. Companionship, guilt...

40. political asylum?

41. Why did you get married?

42. - I was a fool in love. - That's so sweet.

43. - And then I was a fool in divorce court. - Yeah, and now you're just a fool.

44. Exactly. Which is why I'm never getting married again.

45. Suddenly, I had to concentrate on breathing.

46. - Are you in bed with someone? - No, are you?

47. Just three slices of wedding cake. Are you jealous?

48. That depends. What are your plans for the frosting?

49. - Goodnight. - Goodnight.

50. I hung up the phone, wondering, could I date a man who would never marry?

51. Wow! A guy who doesn't want to get married! Film at 11!

52. - Don't tell me you're surprised. - You know who wants to get married?

53. - Men who miss their mommies. - Maybe this wasn't my target audience.

54. Am I the only one who thinks this is a major bummer?

55. What if you spend five years with him, and have nothing to show for it?

56. I wasn't thinking about marriage till he said I couldn't. Now it's all I can think about!

57. Just be cool, you don't care.

58. Then he'll wonder why you don't and realise he does.

59. - Then it's another ball game. - So in your world, it's always sixth grade?

60. I think that a relationship has to be based on honesty and communication

61. if it has any chance of succeeding.

62. If you were 25, that would be adorable, but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid.

63. I can't just ignore it, can I?

64. What's the big deal? In 50 years, men will be obsolete anyway.

65. Already you can't talk to them, you don't need them to have kids,

66. you don't even need them for sex anymore, as I've just very pleasantly discovered.

67. Sounds like somebody just got their first vibrator?

68. Not first, ultimate. And I think I'm in love.

69. Please, stop! This is so sad.

70. I'm not going to replace a man with some battery-operated device.

71. But you haven't met "the rabbit".

72. If you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called "the horse".

73. A vibrator does not call you on your birthday.

74. A vibrator doesn't send you flowers. You can't take it to meet your mother.

75. I know where my next orgasm is coming from. Who here can say as much?

76. That night, Samantha went on a date with a flesh and blood man,

77. while the three of us sought furrier companionship.

78. Ladies, I'd like you to meet the rabbit.

79. $92?

80. Please, think about the money we spend on shoes.

81. I have no intention of using that. I'm saving sex for someone I love.

82. Fantastic, is there a man in the picture?

83. Look. It's so cute.

84. I thought it'd be scary and weird, but it isn't, it's pink for girls!

85. And, look, the little bunny has a face like Peter Rabbit.

86. Yeah, and it's even got a remote. How lazy do you have to be?

87. Later that night back at the briar patch...

88. Wow.

89. Hello.

90. You're not going to believe the evening I've had.

91. - Are you listening to me? - Yeah.

92. Jerry, who Samantha met at Brooke's wedding,

93. took her to Lava, New York's restaurant du jour.

94. From the moment I saw you at that wedding,

95. I knew we'd be having dinner together.

96. Well, aren't you cocky?

97. I'm the kind of guy, I see something,

98. I like it, I go after it.

99. You sound like my kind of guy.

100. Hold that thought, I'll be right back.

101. 10 minutes and a couple of cocktails later...

102. Where the hell is he?

103. Excuse me.

104. He obviously had seen something else he liked and gone after it.

105. Then, just when she thought her evening couldn't get any worse...

106. Samantha? Hey, Samantha!

107. It's me, Bernie Turtletaub from the wedding.

108. - Oh, right. - Are you here all by yourself?

109. - Well, sort of, I'm... - Sit down, join me!

110. God, you look great!

111. What Samantha needed now more than anything was a compliment from anyone.

112. I can't believe the synchronicity. I was just thinking about you!

113. So, do you like this shirt? My ex-girlfriend picked it for me.

114. Honey, no offence, but your breath...

115. I know. It's these Chinese herbs I'm taking. For longer life.

116. Well, with breath like that you're gonna live a very long life, alone.

117. I killed the last woman who talked to me like that.

118. Samantha was impressed. The Turtle had attempted a joke.

119. Once we get the breath under control, I'm taking him shopping.

120. He's a cute little fixer-upper.

121. Sweetheart, he's a man, not a brownstone.

122. Honey, when I'm through with him, he'll be Gracie Mansion!

123. Samantha and the Turtle?

124. But then again, I'm dating a man who will never get married,

125. and Miranda is having a relationship with something that comes in a box from Japan.

126. In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?

127. I needed some answers. Later that week I met Brooke.

128. Just back from her honeymoon, she was pre-occupied with marriage business.

129. I'd like to return these. Is there any way you can melt them down into one decent gift?

130. His friends.

131. So, how is it being married?

132. It's fabulous, like an enormous weight has been lifted.

133. - And that's a good thing? - What's that supposed to mean?

134. It just means, you're happy, with Allen, right?

135. - Yes, I'm happy. - Well, then I'm happy for you.

136. Listen, I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea.

137. I think Allen's great. I just... I mean, he's incredibly successful...

138. We all think we're Carolyn Bessette.

139. Then one day and we're happy just to have some guy who can play Frisbee.

140. - Look who's here. Hey, you two! - What a small world!

141. I couldn't believe it. It was the Turtle, wearing Helmut Lang.

142. - Wow, he looks great. - Doesn't he?

143. - Oh, he twirls. - What do you think?

144. - Fabulous! - He's like a whole new person.

145. - Don't I have a three o'clock? - I'm taking him to Bliss for a facial.

146. - See you later. - Bye.

147. Oh, I have to run, too. I'll call you.

148. Smart girl. She seems happy.

149. Samantha left with the Turtle. Brooke left with a better gift,

150. and I left wondering if everyone in Manhattan was settling.

151. My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.

152. Just as I had reached the moment of no thought...

153. - I think I broke my vagina. - Ooh, sorry, am I pulling too hard?

154. No, metaphorically I mean, with the rabbit.

155. You've been using it?

156. Yes. I'm scared if I keep using it, I won't enjoy sex with a man again.

157. Why?

158. Well, have you ever been with a man, and he's doing everything

159. and it feels good but somehow you just can't manage to...

160. - Come? - Yeah!

161. Well, it's weird cause with the rabbit, it's like every time, boom!

162. And one time, I came for five minutes.

163. Charlotte honey, it's not illegal.

164. Yeah, well, no man ever did that. I mean I'm scared, what am I gonna do?

165. Well, you could still enjoy sex with a man and the rabbit.

166. No, I'm done with it. That's it. I'm never going to touch that thing again.

167. Oh, I've got to cancel on the ballet tonight.

168. - Why? - I'm, expecting a...

169. a phone call. A long distance phone call. Transatlantic.

170. Charlotte could never tell a decent lie. I knew an addict when I saw one.

171. God I love Sleeping Beauty! The music, the sets, the costumes!

172. - It's so romantic! - You like it cos she sleeps for 100 years

173. and she doesn't age!

174. I invited Stanford to the ballet. I knew he was available.

175. Hey, Stanford, cute, huh?

176. I've had it with the whole gay scene. It's so competitive.

177. You won't believe what happened to me last week...

178. Evidently Stanford, tired of bars and blind dates,

179. decided to place a personal ad.

180. He scheduled a rendezvous with the only respondent on a cold, Sunday afternoon.

181. 20 minutes and three false alarms later, Stanford was ready to call it quits.

182. - Stanford? - Yes.

183. Sorry, this is not gonna happen.

184. It's so brutal out there.

185. Even guys like me don't want guys like me. I just don't have that gay look.

186. I don't know, you look pretty gay to me.

187. - Come on, maybe it's just a phase. - Puberty is a phase.

188. 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle.

189. Sometimes I think I should just marry a woman and get all the money.

190. What is there, a cash prize?

191. Yeah, my grandmother gives everyone in the family their inheritance

192. when they get married.

193. - She doesn't know you're gay? - She doesn't believe in gay.

194. Really? Big doesn't believe in marriage. Maybe you should propose to me

195. - and we'll all live happily ever after. - You really do want it all.

196. - I don't know. Maybe nobody gets it all. - Though, you do have a point.

197. We're best friends, we make each other laugh...

198. - We both sleep with men! - You know, this is not a bad idea at all.

199. - Well, actually, I was kidding. - I'm not, think about it.

200. Who else would keep you in expensive shoes and encourage you to cheat?

201. Now you're talking!

202. Friday night at the ballet with a man who shared my passion for men in tights.

203. Saturday afternoon in bed with a man who shared my passion for passion.

204. Maybe there was such a thing as having it all.

205. - What's that smile about? - I got a marriage proposal last night.

206. Really? From whom?

207. A very handsome, witty, young man about to come into his inheritance.

208. Oh, I see. Anyone I know?

209. Actually his name is Stanford, Stanford Blatch.

210. - I thought he was gay. - He is.

211. Should make for an interesting column.

212. What are you going to do about sex?

213. I have you.

214. I guess you've got it all figured out, Mrs Blatch.

215. The more he mocked me, the more convinced I became

216. that the idea was genius.

217. That night, Miranda and I planned to join Charlotte for a gallery opening when...

218. - Hello. - Carrie, it's Charlotte.

219. I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to cancel.

220. Yeah, I'm totally wiped out.

221. Wiped out? That was Charlotte speak for,

222. "I'm spending the night with my vibrator."

223. But you guys have fun, though.

224. There was only one thing to do - a rabbit intervention.

225. Come on, let's go.

226. OK, where is it?

227. - What are you talking about? - The rabbit, Charlotte, give us the rabbit.

228. Hey, it's a vibrator, it's not like it's crack.

229. Charlotte, you hid the rabbit behind a stuffed rabbit!

230. That is so you.

231. You guys have a lot of nerve coming in here. You made me get it.

232. I thought you could handle it.

233. It's no big deal. I'd rather stay home with the rabbit than go and deal with men.

234. All right, you're right. I'll go get dressed.

235. With a little help from her friends,

236. Charlotte decided that she wasn't going to settle for herself.

237. While Samantha was doing everything in her power to remake the Turtle

238. into a man she could fall in love with.

239. - How's your dinner? - Questionable.

240. I can't figure out whether the mushrooms in this sauce are shiitake or chanterelle.

241. Definitely not porcini.

242. Maybe they're wood ear.

243. Maybe it doesn't matter.

244. My God, they're trompettes!

245. It was then that Samantha realised that even with all her effort,

246. he was still just the Turtle in black.

247. You know, I'm not feeling very well. I think I'll have to send myself home.

248. I'll call you.

249. Excuse me. Do you like this shirt?

250. My ex-girlfriend picked it.

251. After 12 phone calls and three emails,

252. Stanford badgered me into at least meeting his grandmother.

253. - I love that suit you're wearing. - Designed by Coco Chanel herself.

254. - Seriously? - Grandmother's had that suit for 40 years.

255. It still fits. It never goes out of style.

256. I have it in blue, black, pink...

257. - And eggshell! - Exactly.

258. - Stanford tells me you're a writer. - Yes, I have a column in The Star.

259. I was a career woman many, many yearS ago.

260. But I gave it up to have children.

261. Oh, wow! Is this you?

262. Not a bad looking girl. Don't you think?

263. Doesn't she look exactly like Deborah Kerr in An Affair To Remember?

264. She does.

265. Oh, my god! This has to be Stanford. You're the same person.

266. OK, that's enough. Oh, come on, this is fun.

267. I had no idea you had such a big family.

268. And how about you, honey? Do you want a family?

269. As I looked around at all the memorabilia and family photographs,

270. the faces of brides and grooms, children and grandchildren,

271. I realised...

272. Yes, I do.

273. Stanny, be a dear. Go in the kitchen and get me some matches.

274. Of course.

275. I love my Stanford. He's a very sweet boy, but, you know, he is a fruit.

276. I realised then that the only inheritance Stanford would get from his grandmother

277. was her collection of Chanel suits.

278. Salt... Yeah.

279. That night at dinner, I knew I would have to break the news to Mr Big.

280. - What do you think? - Look, I do want to get married someday.

281. Maybe not today but...

282. I can't date somebody that won't. You know, what's the point?

283. Definitely too much salt.

284. I mean, it's all in the timing.

285. You gotta brown the garlic before you put in the onions,

286. know what I mean?

287. I thought we were having fun.

288. It's bitter, but it definitely has possibilities.

289. You got a little bit of sauce on your...

290. My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness

291. is to live in the moment and not worry about the future.

292. Of course, he died penniless and single.