Seinfeld 9x23

1. It seems like whenever these office people

2. call you in for a meeting

3. the whole thing is about the sitting down.

4. "I would really like to sit down with you."

5. "I think we need to sit down and talk."

6. "Why don't you come in and we'll sit down?"

7. Sometimes sitting doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.

8. "You know, we've been sitting here

9. "for I don't know how long.

10. "How much longer are we just gonna sit here?

11. "I'll tell you what I think we should do.

12. "I think we should all sleep on it.

13. "Maybe we're not getting down low enough.

14. "Maybe we're not getting down low enough.

15. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work."

16. I can't eat this without ketchup.

17. Would it kill her to check up on us?

18. Would that be a terrible thing?

19. "How's everything? Do you need anything?

20. What can I do for you?"

21. I know what you mean. Do you?

22. It's like going out with someone and not hearing back.

23. Same thing. Not really, but it's something.

24. Ask the people behind you.

25. Excuse me. Are you using your ketchup?

26. Excuse me. Are you using your ketchup?

27. What do you think? You wanna give him the ketchup?

28. It's up to you.

29. You know what, I don't think so.

30. I'm gonna need it from time to time.

31. Huh-ho!

32. So you wanna go to the movies?

33. Nah, what for?

34. To see a movie.

35. I've been to the movies.

36. Not this movie.

37. They're all the same.

38. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch.

39. I'm sick of it.

40. I'm sick of it.

41. Did you shower today? Yeah.

42. That's usually the mood I'm in when I haven't showered.

43. When is it gonna be my turn, Jerry?

44. When do I get my 15 minutes?

45. I want my 15 minutes. Oh, quit complaining.

46. You have your health.

47. Ah, health's not good enough.

48. I want more than health.

49. Health's not doing it for me anymore.

50. I'm sick of health.

51. All right, we're done. You can have it now.

52. Oh, very gracious.

53. Nice day. Yeah.

54. What is that?

55. Hey, Jo Jo. Hey, hey.

56. Hey.

57. All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.

58. No, thank you.

59. So, what are you doing? Nothing.

60. Come on, let's go to the beach.

61. Are you crazy?

62. It's a beautiful day. Have a good time.

63. Yeah, there's something in the air today.

64. Do you feel it? There's something in the air.

65. You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?

66. Yeah, there's something in the air.

67. Yeah, there's something in the air.

68. Oh, I forgot to call Jill.

69. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine.

70. How is your father? Is everything okay?

71. What?

72. Ugh, I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static.

73. Wha—?

74. I'm gonna call you back.

75. Jill's father is in the hospital

76. and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?

77. What? No good? Faux pas.

78. What? No good? Faux pas.

79. Faux pas? Big, hefty, stinking

80. faux pas. Why?

81. You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone.

82. It's like saying, "I don't want to take up

83. "any of my important time in my home.

84. "I'll just get it out of the way on the street."

85. And the street cell phone call

86. is the lowest phone call you can make.

87. It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.

88. It's dismissive. It's pompous.

89. Why don't you think before you do something?

90. Here's a thought.

91. Bye-bye.

92. Too much?

93. Boy, I'm really surprised at Elaine.

94. You know, that whole phone business.

95. She should know better than that.

96. Hey, hey, hey.

97. What?

98. Where do you think this relationship is?

99. If you are thinking of instituting

100. an open-door urination policy

101. let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.

102. let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.

103. You're so uptight. Yeah, I'm uptight.

104. Let's all just have a big pee party.

105. Hey, everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's.

106. It's a pee party.

107. Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark

108. calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC.

109. Could you please give us a call? Thanks.

110. Hello? Yeah, hi. This is Jerry Seinfeld

111. Hello? Yeah, hi. This is Jerry Seinfeld

112. calling for James Kimbrough.

113. Hello?

114. Hi.

115. Uh-huh.

116. Really?

117. Uh, no problem. Definitely.

118. Okay.

119. Bye-bye.

120. That was James Kimbrough.

121. Who's he?

122. He is the new president of NBC.

123. He wants to sit down with us and talk about Jerry.

124. Our show? Jerry? Right.

125. Jerry? Oh, my God,

126. Jerry? Oh, my God,

127. he wants to talk about Jerry? Yeah.

128. When? Today, like right now.

129. Right now?

130. Jerry? Jerry!

131. He wants to talk?

132. He wants to talk about Jerry!

133. Jerry? Jerry!

134. Can I go like this? Sure.

135. No sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.

136. Forget the jacket. I won't feel like a writer.

137. You're not a writer. Right.

138. Water.

139. Water.

140. Need some water.

141. Water here!

142. Okay. Now, listen.

143. I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.

144. Don't worry. No scenes.

145. Don't blow this. I will not blow this.

146. If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing,

147. don't go nuts.

148. It's fine. It doesn't have to be.

149. He might not want nothing. I could care less.

150. He might want a show about everything.

151. Anything. Everything. Something. Nothing. Who the hell cares?

152. Put me down. I'm down!

153. All right.

154. Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you.

155. Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you.

156. Magic time.

157. What?

158. Uh, Mr. Kimbrough.

159. Hey, Jerry. Ah, hello.

160. Good to see you. Hey, hey, hey.

161. How you been? Good, good.

162. You remember George.

163. George, good to see you. Hello, Stu.

164. You remember Jay Crespi.

165. Jay Crespi.

166. I'm gonna forget Jay Crespi, huh?

167. This is James Kimbrough.

168. Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

169. Thanks for coming in. Kimbrough.

170. Don't spell.

171. K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H.

172. That's right. It's a talent I have.

173. That's right. It's a talent I have.

174. Why don't we sit down? All right.

175. I'm glad you're here. Whoo!

176. Some day out there, huh?

177. Did you ever see weather like that?

178. Whoo! It's crisp!

179. It's Crespi-crisp.

180. Shut up, George.

181. Can I get you anything?

182. What do we have in the fruit department?

183. Oi.

184. Pineapple.

185. Ooh, that's a dangerous fruit.

186. Ha, ha. It's like a weapon, that thing.

187. Got spikes on the end.

188. Get killed from one of those things.

189. Anyway, let me tell you why I called.

190. When I took over here last month,

191. I reviewed what was in development

192. I reviewed what was in development

193. and it was pretty much same old, same old.

194. Been there, done that.

195. Right. I was looking for something different.

196. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.

197. Water coolers?

198. We call it a water-cooler show.

199. Because the next day in the offices,

200. people gather around the water coolers

201. to talk about it, right?

202. Huh.

203. I would think people would talk about it

204. at the, uh, coffee machines.

205. Well, it's probably just easier to say water cooler show

206. than coffee machine show.

207. It's really not accurate.

208. Nobody drinks from a water cooler anymore,

209. Nobody drinks from a water cooler anymore,

210. they use bottles.

211. But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.

212. Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, Jerry

213. that he developed five years ago.

214. I have always loved it.

215. He said it was a show about nothing.

216. So I saw the pilot and I've gotta tell you...

217. I flipped out.

218. He totally flipped out.

219. What I want to do is put it on the air,

220. 13-episode commitment.

221. Start it off on Wednesday night, build an audience.

222. This show needs time to grow.

223. This show needs time to grow.

224. I love that Kramer guy.

225. He's a little off-the-wall.

226. Kramer. Ha, ha. Oh, yeah, off-the-wall.

227. And Elaine, I wouldn't mind seeing

228. something happening between you.

229. Definitely. I tell you, I, uh—

230. I really don't think so-called relationship humor

231. is what this show's all about.

232. Or we can not do the show altogether, how about that?

233. Or we could get them together.

234. Whoo!

235. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine.

236. Yeah, well, I'm calling from my home.

237. Indoors.

238. Well— Well, I was just calling to see how your fath—

239. Um, I'm— I'm sorry. I'm getting another call.

240. Hang on just a second.

241. Hello?

242. Hi, Elaine. It's me.

243. Jerry, I'm on the other line.

244. No, this is an emergency.

245. Get off the phone.

246. Get off the phone.

247. Ugh, I'm sorry, Jill.

248. I'm gonna have to take this call.

249. Jerry, what's the emergency?

250. Jerry's back on, the TV show.

251. George and I are moving to California.

252. That's the emergency?

253. Did you hear what I said?

254. I was on the other line talking to Jill.

255. Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?

256. You said it was an emergency.

257. So now she's lost a phone face-off?

258. That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.

259. Congratulations. They're doing the show.

260. They should've put that show on five years ago.

261. Bunch of idiots at that network.

262. Can I tell you something, Jerry?

263. It's all crap on TV.

264. The only thing I watch is The Warrior Princess.

265. She must be about 6'6".

266. She's not 6'6".

267. Jerry, you ever watch that?

268. Yeah, it's pretty good.

269. They picked up the show?

270. I'm moving to California.

271. Oh, baby doll, this kid's going places. I told you.

272. The NBC guy liked it?

273. The NBC guy liked it?

274. Of course he liked it.

275. He told you he liked it?

276. He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.

277. Well, what are you doing?

278. I'm writing.

279. You know how to write?

280. Without the writing, you have nothing.

281. You make them look good.

282. Since when do you know how to write?

283. I never saw you write anything.

284. Ma.

285. I don't know how you're gonna

286. write all those shows.

287. And where are you gonna get all the ideas?

288. Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!

289. I don't need any ideas. It's— It's a show about nothing.

290. I don't need any ideas. It's— It's a show about nothing.

291. Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth.

292. The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.

293. NBC is letting me use their private jet?

294. And I can go anywhere I want?

295. That— That is fantastic.

296. Thanks. Yeah.

297. Great. Okay, bye.

298. Oh, hey.

299. Hey. How was the beach? Oh.

300. You missed it, buddy. Lot of femeninas.

301. Some major femeninas.

302. Had a little meeting today at NBC.

303. Had a little meeting today at NBC.

304. W-what are you doing?

305. Ah, you know, I went swimming.

306. I can't get this water out of my ear.

307. So do you remember five years ago,

308. we did that pilot, Jerry?

309. Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it.

310. They're putting it on the air.

311. They're giving us a 13-episode commitment.

312. George and I are moving to California!

313. You're moving to California?

314. Yeah, but only for a while.

315. Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit?

316. You could be out there for years.

317. You could be out there for years.

318. You might never come back.

319. No, I'll be back.

320. Jerry, it's LA.

321. Nobody leaves.

322. She's a seductress. She's a siren. She's a virgin.

323. She's a whore.

324. And my agent said as a bonus I can use their private jet.

325. So we'll all go somewhere, the four of us.

326. One big fling before George and I go to California.

327. A fling.

328. So we can go anywhere we want?

329. Anywhere.

330. Why are they doing this?

331. I think they wanna make it up to us

332. 'cause they let this thing

333. sit on their shelf for five years.

334. This is all very exciting.

335. So where we going?

336. Uh, well, I say Japan.

337. Why Japan? Geishas.

338. They cater to your every whim.

339. They're shy at first,

340. but they're quite skilled at conversation.

341. They can discuss anything, from world affairs

342. to the fine art of fishing.

343. to the fine art of fishing.

344. Or baking.

345. Oh! I got it. How about Russia?

346. Oh, that's not bad. Russia. It's so bleak.

347. It's not bleak.

348. It's springtime.

349. It's still bleak.

350. You can't be bleak in spring.

351. You can be bleak in spring.

352. If you're bleak, you're bleak.

353. What about Switzerland?

354. Ooh, Switzerland. The Von Trapp family, huh?

355. It's a bit hilly. Well?

356. It's a bit hilly. Well?

357. You're not gonna do any walking.

358. What if I wanna walk around a little?

359. So then you'll walk down the hill

360. and we'll pick you up.

361. What if I'm at the bottom?

362. You know what, just forget it!

363. All right, come on. Come on now, people.

364. Let's face it. We're not all gonna agree on anything.

365. Why don't we just all go to Paris?

366. I'll go to Paris.

367. Me, too.

368. Oh, yeah. Oui, oui.

369. voulez-vous.

370. So that's it. It's settled.

371. We're going to Paris.

372. Yeah!

373. Hey. NBC limo is downstairs.

374. I'm just gonna call Jill one more time before we go.

375. Elaine, you can't make a call like that on your way out.

376. You can't rush that conversation.

377. Well, I can't call from the limo.

378. Well, I can't call from the limo.

379. Can I call from the plane?

380. First you make a cell phone walk-and-talk

381. then she loses a call waiting face-off,

382. now you're talking about a plane call?

383. All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.

384. Hello, Jerry.

385. Hello, Newman.

386. What gives?

387. I was speaking earlier with Kramer

388. and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris.

389. Yeah, that's right. Huh.

390. Well, uh, I hear it's quite beautiful there

391. this time of year, and...

392. this time of year, and...

393. of course you know, I'm one-quarter French.

394. Really? Oh, yes.

395. In fact, I— I still have family there.

396. This probably won't interest you but...

397. I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly.

398. Aw. She's lost all use

399. of her muscles.

400. She can only communicate by blinking.

401. I would so love to see her.

402. Bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life.

403. But, alas, I can't afford it.

404. For I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

405. For I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

406. That's a shame.

407. Take me! Take me!

408. Oh, forget it.

409. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick.

410. Be a man.

411. All right!

412. But hear me and hear me well.

413. The day will come. Oh, yes!

414. Mark my words, Seinfeld.

415. Your day of reckoning is coming.

416. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world

417. and wipe that smug smile off your face!

418. and wipe that smug smile off your face!

419. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching!

420. Watching as it all comes crumbling down!

421. Uh, Jerry? Yeah.

422. I'm Captain Maddox.

423. This is my copilot, Kurt Adams.

424. This is my copilot, Kurt Adams.

425. Ready to go to Paris?

426. All set. We'll just grab the bags.

427. Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.

428. Just keeps on getting better and better.

429. Whoo!

430. Huh?

431. Not bad.

432. Wow.

433. The only way to fly.

434. This is it?

435. I'm sorry, I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.

436. I thought it would be a lot nicer.

437. You're complaining about a private jet?

438. You're complaining about a private jet?

439. You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?

440. Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.

441. Still, I bet when they gave him a plane,

442. it was a lot nicer than this one.

443. Will you shut up?

444. You are ruining the whole trip.

445. This is a real piece of junk.

446. I don't even feel safe on this thing.

447. I have a good mind to write a letter to Mr. Kimbr—

448. You're not writing any letters! Whoo!

449. Will you turn around? Why?

450. You are annoying me sitting like that.

451. It's effeminate.

452. It's effeminate.

453. It's effeminate to sit like this?

454. Yes. I think it's a little effeminate.

455. How is this effeminate?

456. I don't know.

457. It just is.

458. What are you doing?

459. You still got water in your ear.

460. I can't get rid of it.

461. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.

462. Would you stop that?

463. It's not safe to be jumping on a plane.

464. I gotta get it out. I can't take this anymore.

465. Kramer, don't be fooling around up here!

466. Kramer, don't be fooling around up here!

467. Kramer!

468. Get the hell out of here.

469. What is that?

470. Oh, my God.

471. What is that noise?

472. What the hell did you do?

473. I lost my balance!

474. Oh, my God.

475. What's going on?

476. Oh. Oh!

477. Kramer!

478. It was an accident!

479. I told you to stop with the hopping.

480. Oh, my God, we're going down.

481. We're gonna die.

482. Ah! Just when I was doing great.

483. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.

484. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.

485. Is this it? Is this how it ends?

486. It can't! It can't end like this!

487. Ooh! I'm ready! I'm ready!

488. Glory hallelujah!

489. Jerry?

490. Jerry, can you hear me? Yeah.

491. There's something I have to tell you.

492. What? What is it?

493. I cheated in the contest.

494. What? The contest. I cheated.

495. Why?

496. Because I'm a cheater!

497. Because I'm a cheater!

498. I had to tell you.

499. Great. I won!

500. Jerry,

501. I gotta tell you something too.

502. Yeah. Elaine, I've got something I want to say to you.

503. No, no. Me first.

504. All right.

505. Jerry, I've always—

506. Hey,

507. what's going on? We're straightening out.

508. We're straightening out. We're straightening out!

509. We're straightening out.

510. Yeah! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

511. Well, again, sorry about that little mishap.

512. Once we get everything checked, shouldn't be any more problems.

513. Where are we? Latham, Massachusetts.

514. Why don't you take a cab into town,

515. get yourself something to eat.

516. I got your beeper number,

517. I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.

518. Okay. Yeah, okay.

519. We'll see you later.

520. Well, what are we gonna do about Paris?

521. I mean, are we actually gonna get back on this plane?

522. I say we go back to New York and take a regular flight.

523. I'm not getting on a regular plane now.

524. I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet.

525. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.

526. Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.

527. First class doesn't make it anymore.

528. Get on the phone with Kimbrough,

529. tell him what happened,

530. and tell him to get another plane here.

531. But this time the good one. The Ted Danson plane!

532. All right. I'll feel him out.

533. All right. I'll feel him out.

534. Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.

535. Nice day.

536. Another one.

537. All right, fatso. Out of the car.

538. I'm gonna capture this.

539. Come on. I'm getting out.

540. Give me a minute.

541. Give me your wallet. Don't shoot.

542. Ha, ha. Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

543. See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is

544. it's an easy getaway, you know?

545. They can't really chase you.

546. He's actually doing him a favor.

547. He's actually doing him a favor.

548. It's less money for him to buy food.

549. I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on!

550. Ah, that's a shame.

551. All right, I'm gonna call NBC.

552. Officer, he's stealing my car.

553. Officer, I was carjacked.

554. I was held up at gunpoint. I understand.

555. Okay. Thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.

556. What's wrong with the plane we got?

557. They're just checking it out.

558. No, no, no. Forget that.

559. No, no. We're not getting on there.

560. Come on, let's get something to eat here in Sticksville.

561. Come on, let's get something to eat here in Sticksville.

562. All right. Hold it right there.

563. What?

564. You're under arrest.

565. Under arrest? What for?

566. Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.

567. What? No, no, we didn't do anything.

568. What? That's exactly right.

569. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger

570. as long as it's reasonable to do so.

571. I never heard of that.

572. It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law.

573. Let's go.

574. W—

575. The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?

576. Why would we help somebody? I know.

577. T-that's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.

578. The Samaritans were an ancient tribe.

579. Very helpful to people.

580. All right. Uh...

581. Um, excuse me. Hi.

582. Could you tell me what kind of law this is?

583. Well, they just passed it last year.

584. And it's modeled after the French law.

585. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed

586. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed

587. and all those photographers were just standing around.

588. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, yeah.

589. You're the first ones to be arrested on it.

590. Probably in the whole country.

591. Oh. Ha, ha.

592. All right, so, what's the penalty here?

593. Let's pay the fine or something

594. and get the hell out of here.

595. Well, it's not that easy.

596. See, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000

597. and as much as five years in prison.

598. What?

599. Oh, no, no, no.

600. W-w-we have to be in California next week.

601. W-w-we're starting a TV show.

602. California? Oh, gosh, I don't think so.

603. Now, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted.

604. Now, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted.

605. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.

606. Who told you to put the cheese on?

607. Did I tell you to put the cheese on?

608. I didn't tell you to put it on.

609. Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

610. You people with the cheese. It never ends.

611. Hello?

612. Mm-hm.

613. Mm-hm.

614. Mm-hm.

615. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it.

616. You don't have to help anybody.

617. That's what this country's all about.

618. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable.

619. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable.

620. Hold on. Susie.

621. Cancel my appointment with Dr. Byson.

622. And, uh, pack a bag for me.

623. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts right away.

624. So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?

625. Mm-hm, and you know what that means.

626. This whole place is gonna be swarming with media.

627. By the time this thing is over

628. you're not gonna be able to find

629. a hotel room in this town.

630. The whole country is going to be watching this.

631. Now, we gotta do whatever it takes to win it.

632. No matter what the cost.

633. No matter what the cost.

634. And the big issue in this trial is going to be character.

635. Find out everything you can about these people.

636. And I mean everything.

637. Mm. This is pretty good chow, huh?

638. It would kill him to check up on us?

639. It would kill him to check up on us?

640. No. Drops off the meals and that's it.

641. I realize we're prisoners,

642. but we're still entitled to ketchup!

643. I guess we could have called for help.

644. But then we would have missed the whole thing.

645. I still had it on video. We could've watched it later.

646. Yeah, he's right.

647. I forgot about the video.

648. Oh, sure, video.

649. What is that?

650. Plane's ready.

651. I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about

652. what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes

653. and around the water coolers in your offices.

654. I'm speaking, of course, of the controversial

655. Good Samaritan trial

656. that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts.

657. Now, before we meet our distinguished panel,

658. let's go to Latham live

659. where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane.

660. Yes, good evening, Geraldo.

661. Yes, good evening, Geraldo.

662. What's the mood? What's going on tonight?

663. Well, Latham is fairly quiet tonight

664. considering the media circus

665. that has descended upon this quaint little town.

666. And what about the defendants, the so-called New York Four?

667. How are they holding up?

668. Well, I did speak with one of the deputies

669. who has some contact with them and he told me, quote:

670. "There's no love lost with that group."

671. Anything else, Jane?

672. There also seems to be some friction

673. between Mr. Seinfeld and Ms. Benes.

674. The rumor is that they once dated

675. and it's possible that ended badly.

676. and it's possible that ended badly.

677. Well, ladies and gentlemen, who knows,

678. maybe this trial will bring them closer together.

679. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.

680. I hope you packed enough.

681. This trial could last for weeks.

682. What's all that?

683. Cereal.

684. You're packing cereal?

685. I'm bringing it for Jerry.

686. You got enough for a life sentence.

687. He likes it.

688. Says he misses that more than anything.

689. So bring a snack pack.

690. Poor Georgie.

691. Was it our fault this happened to him?

692. Did we do something wrong?

693. Did we do something wrong?

694. Maybe it was our fault.

695. Maybe it was your fault.

696. Wasn't my fault, I can tell you that.

697. Oh, so it was my fault but not yours.

698. You were the one who smothered him.

699. I did not smother him.

700. You smothered.

701. He couldn't get any air. He couldn't breathe.

702. He was suffocating!

703. Sure, and you were always in Korea

704. with your religious chachkas.

705. I had to make a living!

706. This is excellent, huh? Mm.

707. Don't worry, I didn't use too much milk

708. 'cause I know we gotta make it last.

709. You know, I've had to reduce my milk level.

710. I've always filled to at least three quarters,

711. I've always filled to at least three quarters,

712. sometimes to the top of the cereal.

713. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore.

714. It's a big adjustment. I bet.

715. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

716. Good morning.

717. There you are. Good morning, Jackie.

718. Good morning. Is everybody ready?

719. Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?

720. Makes me look older.

721. Look older?

722. You think this is a game?

723. That what you think this is?

724. I'm trying to give you a moral compass.

725. You have no moral compass.

726. You're gonna walk into that courtroom

727. You're gonna walk into that courtroom

728. and the jury's gonna see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza.

729. I want 'em to see Perry Como.

730. No one's gonna convict Perry Como.

731. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.

732. You think it's funny?

733. No.

734. You damn right it isn't.

735. You better not be laughing in that courtroom, funnyman.

736. If you start getting all smart-alecky,

737. making wisecracks, acting a fool,

738. you're gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time.

739. I don't like that tie.

740. Susie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.

741. Susie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.

742. How do I look, Jackie?

743. Oh, you looking good.

744. You look strong.

745. You one fine-looking, sexy lady.

746. Thank you, Jackie.

747. What about me, Jackie?

748. Kramer, you always look good.

749. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine.

750. Jury's gonna pick up on that.

751. Yeah.

752. Whoo.

753. Here.

754. This one? That's right.

755. Do I have to?

756. Jackie says put it on, Jerry.

757. All rise.

758. Fourth District County Court,

759. Latham, Massachusetts is now in session.

760. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.

761. Vandelay?

762. The judge's name is Vandelay? Vanda-who?

763. Jerry, did you hear that? Yeah, yeah.

764. I think that's a good sign.

765. Is the district attorney ready to proceed?

766. We are, Your Honor.

767. Mr. Hoyt.

768. Ladies and gentlemen, last year our city council

769. by a vote of 12-to-2, passed a Good Samaritan law.

770. by a vote of 12-to-2, passed a Good Samaritan law.

771. Now, essentially, we made it a crime

772. to ignore a fellow human being in trouble.

773. Now, this group from New York

774. not only ignored, but as we will prove,

775. they actually mocked the victim

776. as he was being robbed at gunpoint.

777. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen,

778. this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner.

779. On the contrary.

780. They have quite a record of mocking and maligning.

781. They have quite a record of mocking and maligning.

782. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption,

783. immaturity and greed.

784. And you will see how everyone

785. who has come into contact with these four individuals

786. has been abused, wronged,

787. deceived and betrayed.

788. This time...

789. they have gone too far.

790. This time...

791. they are going to be held accountable.

792. they are going to be held accountable.

793. This time...

794. they are the ones who will pay.

795. Mr. Chiles?

796. I am shocked and chagrined.

797. Mortified and stupefied.

798. This trial is outrageous.

799. It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money.

800. It is a travesty of justice that these four people

801. have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator

802. is walking around laughing.

803. is walking around laughing.

804. Lying and laughing.

805. Laughing... and lying.

806. Do you know what these four people were?

807. They were innocent bystanders.

808. Now, you just think about that term.

809. Innocent...

810. bystanders.

811. Because that's exactly what they were.

812. We know they were bystanders, nobody's disputing that.

813. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing.

814. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander?

815. No. Because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty.

816. Bystanders are by definition innocent.

817. Bystanders are by definition innocent.

818. That is the nature of bystanding.

819. But, no.

820. They wanna change nature here.

821. They wanna create a whole new animal.

822. The guilty bystander.

823. Don't you let 'em do it.

824. Only you...

825. can stop them.

826. Thank you.

827. That was wonderful. Thank you.

828. That was wonderful. Thank you.

829. Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?

830. We are, Your Honor.

831. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.

832. Call Matt Vogel.

833. So they were just standing there?

834. Yes.

835. Did one of them have a video camera?

836. Yes.

837. With the court's permission,

838. we would like to play back that video and...

839. enter it into evidence as exhibit A.

840. enter it into evidence as exhibit A.

841. Proceed.

842. Come on. Okay, I'm getting out.

843. Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

844. See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy

845. is it's an easy getaway.

846. They can't really chase you.

847. Come on. Ha, ha, ha.

848. He's actually doing him a favor.

849. It's less money for him to buy food.

850. So they just stood there and did nothing?

851. Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

852. Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

853. No further questions.

854. Hey, great plane.

855. Thanks a lot.

856. Piece of junk.

857. You know, you almost got us killed!

858. Call Mabel Choate to the stand.

859. Call Mabel Choate.

860. Your Honor, I most strenuously

861. and vigorously object to this witness.

862. She was not present at the incident.

863. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational and inconsequential.

864. The prosecution has gone to great lengths

865. The prosecution has gone to great lengths

866. and considerable cost

867. to find these character witnesses.

868. It is imperative that we establish

869. this is not merely an isolated incident.

870. It's part of a pattern of antisocial behavior

871. that's been going on for years.

872. Objection overruled.

873. I'll hear the witness.

874. Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court

875. what happened the evening of January 4th?

876. Well, I was at Stitzer's Bakery

877. when I got accosted by that man.

878. when I got accosted by that man.

879. Let the record show that she's pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.

880. What did he want?

881. My marble rye.

882. Your marble rye?

883. I got the last one.

884. He kept persisting and I said no.

885. Then you left the bakery. Right.

886. But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?

887. Oh, no.

888. Give me that rye.

889. Stop it. Let go.

890. I want that rye, lady.

891. Help. Someone, help.

892. Shut up, you old bag.

893. Stop, thief. Please, stop him. He's got my marble rye!

894. Stop, thief. Please, stop him. He's got my marble rye!

895. No further questions.

896. I call Marla Penny to the stand.

897. Call Marla Penny.

898. The virgin.

899. Now, what was your connection to the defendants?

900. I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.

901. Then on the evening of October 28th,

902. there was an abrupt end to that relationship.

903. Tell us what happened.

904. Tell us what happened.

905. It's rather difficult to talk about.

906. It's all right. Take your time.

907. Well...

908. I became aware of a—

909. A... what?

910. A, uh—

911. Yes?

912. A contest.

913. Contest? Yes.

914. What was the nature of the contest?

915. Oh, please. I can't.

916. It's okay.

917. The four of them...

918. made a wager to see if they could—

919. Yes?

920. Yes?

921. To see who could go the longest

922. without gratifying themselves.

923. This is an outrage.

924. For the love of God.

925. It was horrible. Horrible!

926. Call Donald Sanger to the stand.

927. Who the hell is that?

928. Come on, Donald. You're doing fine.

929. The Bubble Boy.

930. Bubble Boy?

931. That's right, the Bubble Boy.

932. What's a Bubble Boy?

933. He's a boy who lives in a bubble.

934. He's a boy who lives in a bubble.

935. What the hell are you all looking at?

936. Would you please tell the court about the incident

937. that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992?

938. Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house

939. but his friend Costanza showed up instead.

940. So I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.

941. Who invaded Spain in the eighth century?

942. That's a joke. The Moors.

943. Oh, no.

944. I'm so sorry, it's the Moops.

945. I'm so sorry, it's the Moops.

946. The correct answer is the Moops.

947. Moops? Let me see that.

948. That's not Moops, you jerk.

949. It's Moors. It's a misprint.

950. I'm sorry. The card says Moops.

951. It doesn't matter. It's Moors.

952. There's no Moops.

953. It's Moops.

954. Moors!

955. Moops.

956. Help, someone.

957. Help, someone.

958. There's no Moops, you idiot!

959. Stop it. Let go of him.

960. Donald. Stop it.

961. No. Donald, stop it.

962. It was Moops.

963. Moors!

964. So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot,

965. and as a result you got in an accident

966. and your wheelchair was destroyed?

967. That's right.

968. And then Mr. Kramer gave you

969. a used wheelchair?

970. a used wheelchair?

971. That's right.

972. So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?

973. Yes, that's right.

974. It was May 16th, 1996.

975. I'll never forget it.

976. So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza?

977. Would you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?

978. Would you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?

979. I would describe it

980. as restrained jubilation.

981. Murderer! He killed our daughter.

982. He— He knew those envelopes were toxic!

983. Order in this court.

984. Call Sidra Holland to the stand.

985. Whoo.

986. Look at this one. She's fine.

987. She's a 12.

988. She's a 12.

989. You dated her?

990. So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club

991. sometime in 1993? Yes.

992. You met Ms. Benes in that same club?

993. Yes, that's true.

994. Would you describe the circumstances

995. of that meeting?

996. We were in the sauna, making chitchat.

997. You know, I've seen you around the club.

998. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.

999. Oh, hi.

1000. I'm Elaine. Hi.

1001. So she pretended to trip

1002. So she pretended to trip

1003. and she fell into your breasts.

1004. Yes.

1005. Why would she do that?

1006. Because he sent her in there

1007. to find out if they were real.

1008. State your name.

1009. Bookman. Joe Bookman.

1010. And what's your occupation?

1011. I'm a library cop.

1012. What's a library cop do?

1013. We chase down library delinquents.

1014. Anyone in this room ever delinquent?

1015. Anyone in this room ever delinquent?

1016. Yeah, he was. Right over there.

1017. Seinfeld.

1018. How long was his book overdue?

1019. Twenty-five years.

1020. We don't call them delinquent after that long.

1021. What do you call them? Criminals.

1022. So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.

1023. Yes.

1024. And then what happened?

1025. Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and...

1026. Fire!

1027. Fire!

1028. At the time, I was employed as a security guard

1029. in the parking garage at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.

1030. Okay, let's go.

1031. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger?

1032. I know it's against the law.

1033. I don't know.

1034. Because I could get uromysitisis poisoning

1035. and die, that's why.

1036. Uromysitisis.

1037. Uromysitisis.

1038. I wonder if they're having any trouble

1039. controlling themselves during this trial.

1040. Perhaps these two hooligans

1041. would like to have a pee party right here!

1042. Objection, Your Honor.

1043. This is completely inappropriate.

1044. My client's medical condition is not on trial here.

1045. May I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990?

1046. Sit down, Mr. Chiles.

1047. All right, detective, then what happened?

1048. We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been

1049. turning tricks in the parking lot.

1050. You just cost me some money. Hey, cool it, lady.

1051. Cool it.

1052. Cool it, lady. Cool it.

1053. Police officers. Freeze right there.

1054. So Cosmo Kramer...

1055. was, in fact...

1056. a pimp.

1057. So you asked Mr. Seinfeld

1058. if he would wear your puffy shirt

1059. on the Today show?

1060. Excuse me?

1061. Uh, excuse me, Your Honor.

1062. What is the point of this testimony?

1063. This woman's a low talker. I can't hear a word.

1064. This woman's a low talker. I can't hear a word.

1065. So either get some other kind of microphone up there

1066. or let's move on.

1067. Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.

1068. Call George Steinbrenner.

1069. So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?

1070. That's right. He was a good kid. A lovely boy.

1071. Shared his calzone with me.

1072. That was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?

1073. Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.

1074. Had one little problem though.

1075. What was that?

1076. He was a communist. Pink as they come.

1077. Like a big, juicy steak.

1078. How could you give $12 million to Hideki Irabu?

1079. How could you give $12 million to Hideki Irabu?

1080. Order.

1081. Cockfighting?

1082. Cockfighting.

1083. Sponges.

1084. And I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with.

1085. They're for sex.

1086. She said she needed a whole case of them.

1087. She exposed her nipple.

1088. How did she try to kill you?

1089. She tried to smother me with a pillow.

1090. Call Yev Kassem to the stand.

1091. Call Yev Kassem to the stand.

1092. Call Yev Kassem.

1093. Who?

1094. The Soup Nazi.

1095. Soup Nazi?

1096. You people have a little pet name for everybody.

1097. State your name.

1098. Yev Kassem.

1099. Could you spell that?

1100. No. Next question.

1101. How do you know the defendants?

1102. They used to come to my restaurant.

1103. Medium turkey chili.

1104. Medium turkey chili.

1105. Medium crab bisque.

1106. I didn't get any bread.

1107. Just forget it. Let it go.

1108. Um, excuse me.

1109. I-I think you forgot my bread.

1110. You want bread? Yes, please.

1111. Three dollars!

1112. What?

1113. No soup for you!

1114. But the idiot clowns did not know how to order.

1115. I banned that one,

1116. the woman, for a year.

1117. Then one day...

1118. she came back.

1119. Five cups chopped porcine mushrooms

1120. half a cup of olive oil

1121. three pounds celery...

1122. That's my recipe for wild mushroom.

1123. You're through, Soup Nazi.

1124. Pack it up.

1125. No more soup for you.

1126. Next!

1127. She published my recipes.

1128. I had to close the store and move to Argentina.

1129. She ruined my business.

1130. His soup's not all that good anyway.

1131. What did you say?

1132. The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.

1133. How did they find Babu?

1134. I thought he was deported.

1135. You've come a long way to be here today, haven't you?

1136. You've come a long way to be here today, haven't you?

1137. Yes.

1138. All the way from Pakistan.

1139. And what's your connection to the defendant?

1140. I owned a restaurant.

1141. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani.

1142. But nobody came.

1143. There were no people.

1144. And then what happened?

1145. Then he got me an apartment in his building

1146. but they mixed up the mail

1147. and I never got my immigration renewal papers.

1148. So they deported me.

1149. It's all his fault!

1150. Him...

1151. and the woman!

1152. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent.

1153. All they do is mock me.

1154. Just like they did the fat fellow.

1155. All the time mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking.

1156. All the time.

1157. But now it is Babu's turn to mock.

1158. Finally, I will have some justice.

1159. Send them away.

1160. Send them all away. Lock them up forever.

1161. They're not human.

1162. They're very bad.

1163. They're very bad.

1164. Very, very, very bad.

1165. Hi, I'm Geraldo Rivera, and welcome

1166. to this special edition of Rivera Live.

1167. Arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today

1168. the jury has been in deliberation

1169. for four and a half hours now.

1170. Let's go live to Jane Wells, who is in Latham, Massachusetts

1171. covering this trial for us. Jane.

1172. Just a few minutes ago,

1173. the jury asked to see the videotape.

1174. That's the one where they are overheard

1175. That's the one where they are overheard

1176. making sarcastic remarks

1177. during the robbery.

1178. Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence.

1179. But I must tell you, Geraldo,

1180. this courtroom and everyone who's attended this trial

1181. is still reeling from the endless parade of witnesses

1182. who've come forth so enthusiastically

1183. to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people.

1184. One had the feeling

1185. that if Judge Vandelay didn't put a stop to it

1186. it could have gone on for months.

1187. Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated

1188. most strongly with this jury?

1189. That is so hard to say.

1190. That is so hard to say.

1191. Certainly, there's the doctor with the poison invitations.

1192. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure.

1193. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well

1194. with this small-town jury.

1195. There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to.

1196. The deported Pakistani restauranteur.

1197. Geraldo, it just went on and on and on into the night.

1198. And so we wait.

1199. Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?

1200. I think so.

1201. I think so.

1202. It's not that bright orange one, is it?

1203. I hope it's not that one

1204. because I cannot wear orange.

1205. Will you stop worrying?

1206. Jackie's gonna get us off. He never loses.

1207. How about when he asked that cop if a black man

1208. had ever been to his house.

1209. Did you see the look on his face?

1210. Sorry to bother you, judge.

1211. How did you get in here?

1212. Please. If he's found guilty

1213. please be kind to him.

1214. please be kind to him.

1215. He's a good boy.

1216. This is highly irregular.

1217. Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.

1218. What do you mean?

1219. You know.

1220. Oh, Jackie. You're so articulate.

1221. Oh, Jackie. You're so articulate.

1222. We got plenty of time too.

1223. This jury could be out for days.

1224. Hello.

1225. Damn.

1226. They're ready.

1227. Hey, Elaine.

1228. What was it you were about to say to me on the plane

1229. What was it you were about to say to me on the plane

1230. when it was going down?

1231. I've always loved...

1232. United Airlines.

1233. I think it's gonna be okay.

1234. That girl just smiled at me.

1235. Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.

1236. What?

1237. All rise.

1238. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

1239. have you reached a verdict?

1240. We have, Your Honor.

1241. Will the defendants please rise?

1242. And how do you find with respect to

1243. the charge of criminal indifference?

1244. We find the defendants...

1245. guilty.

1246. Order in this court!

1247. Order! Order in this court!

1248. Order! Order in this court!

1249. I will clear this room.

1250. I do not know how

1251. or under what circumstances

1252. the four of you found each other.

1253. But your callous indifference and utter disregard

1254. for everything that is good and decent

1255. has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built.

1256. I can think of nothing more fitting

1257. I can think of nothing more fitting

1258. than for the four of you to spend a year

1259. removed from society

1260. so that you can contemplate

1261. the manner in which you have conducted yourselves.

1262. I know I will.

1263. This court is adjourned.

1264. You had to hop.

1265. You had to hop on the plane!

1266. Puddy.

1267. Don't wait for me.

1268. All right.

1269. We gotta get out of here.

1270. We wanna beat the traffic.

1271. Come on, Jackie. Let's go.

1272. What?

1273. Oh, and by the way...

1274. they're real, and they're spectacular.

1275. Well, it's only a year.

1276. Well, it's only a year.

1277. That's not so bad.

1278. We'll be out in a year.

1279. And then we'll be back.

1280. Could be fun.

1281. Don't have to worry about your meals or...

1282. what you're gonna do Saturday nights,

1283. and they do shows.

1284. Yeah, we— We could put on a show.

1285. Maybe, uh, Bye Bye Birdie or My Fair Lady.

1286. Yeah, Elaine,

1287. you could be Liza Doolittle.

1288. Whoo.

1289. Why don't you just blow it out your a—?

1290. If I call Jill from prison,

1291. you think that would make up for the other ones?

1292. Sure.

1293. 'Cause you only get one call.

1294. The prison call is like the king of calls.

1295. I think that would be a very nice gesture.

1296. Oh!

1297. I got it.

1298. It's out.

1299. Whoo.

1300. Not that bad, huh?

1301. Oh, boy, what a relief.

1302. See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.

1303. Really? Oh, yeah.

1304. The second button is the key button.

1305. It literally makes or breaks the shirt.

1306. It literally makes or breaks the shirt.

1307. Look at it. It's too high.

1308. It's in no man's land.

1309. Haven't we had this conversation before?

1310. You think?

1311. I think we have.

1312. Yeah, maybe we have.

1313. So, what is the deal with the yard?

1314. When I was a kid, my mother wanted me to play in the yard

1315. but she didn't have to worry about my neighbor

1316. sticking a shiv in my thigh.

1317. Whoo!

1318. What's with the lockdown?

1319. Why do we have to be locked in our cells?

1320. Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison in prison?

1321. You would think the weightlifting

1322. and the sodomy is enough.

1323. So, uh, anyone from Cellblock D?

1324. I am.

1325. I'll talk slower.

1326. I'm kidding. I love Cellblock D.

1327. My friend George is in Cellblock D.

1328. What are you in for, sir?

1329. Murder one.

1330. Murder one.

1331. Ooh.

1332. Watch out, everybody. Better be nice to you.

1333. I'm only kidding, sir. Lighten up.

1334. How about you?

1335. Grand theft auto.

1336. Grand theft auto.

1337. Don't steal any of my jokes.

1338. You suck. I'm gonna cut you.

1339. Hey, I don't knock the license plate out of your hand.

1340. All right, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.

1341. All right. Hey, you've been great.

1342. See you in the cafeteria.

1343. See you in the cafeteria.