1. I'm doing a set tonight.Copy !req
2. You hanging out?Copy !req
3. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
4. All right.Copy !req
5. Hello?Copy !req
6. Hello?Copy !req
7. You're bad, huh?Copy !req
8. I'd like to see you come up here
and say that to my face!Copy !req
9. So what's the deal
with politics?Copy !req
10. I don't get it.Copy !req
11. Am I right, people?Copy !req
12. I don't believe this.Copy !req
13. I read somewhere
that this Brentano'sCopy !req
14. is the place to meet girls
in New York.Copy !req
15. First it was
the health club,Copy !req
16. then the supermarket,
now the bookstore.Copy !req
17. They could put it
anywhere they want.Copy !req
18. No one's meeting anybody.Copy !req
19. Hey, Jerry, look at all
of these pagodas, huh?Copy !req
20. I gotta get over to Hong KongCopy !req
21. before it all goes back
to China.Copy !req
22. You better hurry.Copy !req
23. I'm gonna hit the head.Copy !req
24. Oh, boy, look at this.Copy !req
25. Hong Kong's outlawed
the ricksha.Copy !req
26. See, I always thought those
would be perfect for New York.Copy !req
27. See, I always thought those
would be perfect for New York.Copy !req
28. Yes. The city needs more
slow-moving wicker vehicles.Copy !req
29. Hm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong.Copy !req
30. I should give her a call.Copy !req
31. She's at that annual
Peterman party tonight.Copy !req
32. You know, the one
she danced at last year.Copy !req
33. No, that wasn't dancing.Copy !req
34. Hey, there's Leo.Copy !req
35. Oh, who's Leo?Copy !req
36. Uncle Leo.Copy !req
37. Oh, yeah, right.
Uncle Leo.Copy !req
38. Forgot his first name.Copy !req
39. Forgot his first name.Copy !req
40. Yeah.Copy !req
41. Did I just see that?Copy !req
42. Well,Copy !req
43. that ought to keep you busy
for a couple of days, huh?Copy !req
44. So, Elaine,Copy !req
45. are you gonna dance
this year?Copy !req
46. Maybe.Copy !req
47. All over your face.Copy !req
48. If you do dance,Copy !req
49. the cooks wanna know
so they can beCopy !req
50. brought out of the kitchen.Copy !req
51. They missed it last year.Copy !req
52. They missed it last year.Copy !req
53. My friends, a toast.Copy !req
54. As the woolly-haired Melanesians
of Papua New Guinea once said:Copy !req
55. All right!
Who's dancing?Copy !req
56. No one.Copy !req
57. All right, I'll just have
to get things started.Copy !req
58. Ooh!Copy !req
59. Hi. I'm Zach.Copy !req
60. Hi.Copy !req
61. I'm miserable.Copy !req
62. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
63. What are you doing?Copy !req
64. I'm all set.Copy !req
65. Did you take that book with you
into the bathroom?Copy !req
66. What do you want to hear?Copy !req
67. What do you want to hear?Copy !req
68. They made me buy it.Copy !req
69. A hundred bucks
this thing cost me!Copy !req
70. How dare they?Copy !req
71. I got news for you,
if it wasn't for the toilet,Copy !req
72. there would be no books.Copy !req
73. Yeah, I understand
Gutenberg used to spendCopy !req
74. a fair amount of time
in there.Copy !req
75. They're selling coffee,
bran muffins,Copy !req
76. you're surrounded by
reading material...Copy !req
77. It's entrapment!Copy !req
78. "French Impressionist
Paintings"?Copy !req
79. I find the soothing pastoral
images very conducive—Copy !req
80. Thank you very much.Copy !req
81. Thank you very much.Copy !req
82. Well, I'm gonna go back there
later and return itCopy !req
83. when there's
different people working.Copy !req
84. You wanna catch a movie?Copy !req
85. I can't.
I'm meeting Uncle Leo.Copy !req
86. I saw him shoplifting
at the bookstore.Copy !req
87. All right, Leo.
Stickin' it to the man.Copy !req
88. Sleeping in the car again?Copy !req
89. Cocktail flu.Copy !req
90. Oh, right. The big party.Copy !req
91. You, uh...Copy !req
92. didn't dance again,
did you?Copy !req
93. No.Copy !req
94. I found a better way
to humiliate myself.Copy !req
95. I found a better way
to humiliate myself.Copy !req
96. There was this guy,
and we had a few too many.Copy !req
97. You went home
with him?Copy !req
98. Worse.Copy !req
99. We made out at the tableCopy !req
100. like our plane was going down.Copy !req
101. Oh, the drunken make-out.Copy !req
102. An office classic.Copy !req
103. Did you end up
Xeroxing anything?Copy !req
104. Do you know
how embarrassing this isCopy !req
105. to someone
in my position?Copy !req
106. What is your position?Copy !req
107. I am an associate.Copy !req
108. Hey. Me too.Copy !req
109. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
110. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
111. Oh, God.
Why did I do this?Copy !req
112. Now, I'm the office skank.Copy !req
113. Well, unless you tell everybody
you're dating.Copy !req
114. Oh.Copy !req
115. Right.Copy !req
116. 'Cause if we're dating,
what everyone saw was just...Copy !req
117. a beautiful moment
between two lovers.Copy !req
118. As opposed to a spirited boutCopy !req
119. of skanko-Roman wrestling.Copy !req
120. Oh, bravo.Copy !req
121. Oh, hey.Copy !req
122. Can I fix you fellas
some drinks and sandwiches?Copy !req
123. No, no.
We've already eaten.Copy !req
124. But you can clear some
of this stuff out of the way.Copy !req
125. Jerry,
check this out.Copy !req
126. Remember my idea
about rickshas in New York?Copy !req
127. Well, we're gonna
make it happen.Copy !req
128. No, you're not.Copy !req
129. Well, Newman, he knows a guy
in the Hong Kong post office.Copy !req
130. No, he doesn't.Copy !req
131. He's shipping us a ricksha.
It can't miss.Copy !req
132. Yes, it can.Copy !req
133. We'll start out with one,
and then when it catches on,Copy !req
134. We'll start out with one,
and then when it catches on,Copy !req
135. we're gonna have
a whole fleet.Copy !req
136. It's the romance
of the hansom cabCopy !req
137. without the guilt or dander
of the equine.Copy !req
138. That's right.Copy !req
139. So who's gonna pull this thing?Copy !req
140. I just assumed
that you would.Copy !req
141. Yeah, but I thought—
No.Copy !req
142. My, isn't this
an awkward moment?Copy !req
143. Wait a minute.Copy !req
144. What about the homeless?Copy !req
145. Can't we worry about them later?Copy !req
146. To pull the ricksha.Copy !req
147. To pull the ricksha.Copy !req
148. They do have an intimate
knowledge of the street.Copy !req
149. They're always
walking around the city.Copy !req
150. Why not just
strap something to them?Copy !req
151. Now, that's the first sensible
idea I've heard all day.Copy !req
152. Jerry, hello!Copy !req
153. So, Leo, how's everything?Copy !req
154. You doing okay?Copy !req
155. I still have the ringing
in the ears.Copy !req
156. It sounds like the phone.Copy !req
157. Yeah, yeah.
But what about money?Copy !req
158. Are you strapped?
Do you need a little?Copy !req
159. Are you strapped?
Do you need a little?Copy !req
160. Are you kidding?Copy !req
161. I should be loaning you money!Copy !req
162. But I'm not.Copy !req
163. Leo, I saw you
in Brentano's yesterday.Copy !req
164. Why didn't you say hello?Copy !req
165. Because you were too busy
stealing a book.Copy !req
166. You still say hello.Copy !req
167. Leo, I saw you steal.Copy !req
168. Oh, they don't care.
We all do it.Copy !req
169. Who? Criminals?Copy !req
170. Senior citizens.Copy !req
171. No big deal.Copy !req
172. You could get arrested.Copy !req
173. Arrested? Come on!Copy !req
174. Arrested? Come on!Copy !req
175. I'm an old man. I'm confused.Copy !req
176. I thought I paid for it.Copy !req
177. What's my name?
Could you take me home?Copy !req
178. Leo.Copy !req
179. All right, all right,
Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes.Copy !req
180. You made your point.Copy !req
181. Thank you.Copy !req
182. Will somebody answer
that damn phone?Copy !req
183. Of course Zach and I
have been dating.Copy !req
184. What did you think,
I was the office skank?Copy !req
185. Well...Copy !req
186. Well?Copy !req
187. We've been dating
for 3 months,Copy !req
188. between you and meCopy !req
189. between you and meCopy !req
190. and anyone else
you want to tell.Copy !req
191. Ha-ha.Copy !req
192. Oh, man. Ugh!Copy !req
193. Isn't that Zach?Copy !req
194. Yeah.Copy !req
195. Aren't you upset?Copy !req
196. Yes!Copy !req
197. Oh, man!Copy !req
198. All right, listen up.Copy !req
199. Now, you three
have been handpickedCopy !req
200. out of possibly dozens
who applied.Copy !req
201. Now, what we're looking for
are motivated, hard-working,Copy !req
202. Now, what we're looking for
are motivated, hard-working,Copy !req
203. homeless, uh, gentlemen,Copy !req
204. like yourselves,
to pull rickshas.Copy !req
205. Now, I don't care
where you're from,Copy !req
206. or how you got here,
or what happened to your homes.Copy !req
207. But you will have to be
physically fit.Copy !req
208. The government!Copy !req
209. Because to pull rickshasCopy !req
210. requires more
than just strong legs.Copy !req
211. You're also gonna need
a well-toned upper body.Copy !req
212. Or a shirt.Copy !req
213. Right.
Who's first?Copy !req
214. Name, please.Copy !req
215. Rusty.
Rusty.Copy !req
216. You know, I once knew
a horse named Rusty.Copy !req
217. No offense.Copy !req
218. All right now. Take it down
the end of the block,Copy !req
219. make a controlled turn,
and bring 'er back.Copy !req
220. Let's see
what you've got.Copy !req
221. Okay, ready and go!Copy !req
222. Giddyup.Copy !req
223. Good form.Copy !req
224. All right, pace yourself.Copy !req
225. You're gonna have to do this
all day for very little money.Copy !req
226. Hey, what's he doing?Copy !req
227. I think he's stealing
our ricksha!Copy !req
228. Well, then, he's out.Copy !req
229. I'll take the job.Copy !req
230. I'll take the job.Copy !req
231. Potato salad!Copy !req
232. Yes, I, uh—
I need to return this book.Copy !req
233. I'm sorry.
We can't take this book back.Copy !req
234. Why not?Copy !req
235. It's been flagged.Copy !req
236. Flagged?Copy !req
237. It's been in the bathroom.Copy !req
238. It says that
on the computer?Copy !req
239. Please take it home.Copy !req
240. We don't want it
near the other books.Copy !req
241. Well, you just lost
a lot of business.Copy !req
242. Because I love to read!Copy !req
243. Because I love to read!Copy !req
244. Oh, I don't believe this.Copy !req
245. Excuse me, I wonder
if you could do me a favor?Copy !req
246. My uncle's having a problem
with shoplifting.Copy !req
247. Mm-hm.
Where's your uncle?Copy !req
248. He's over there
in the overcoat.Copy !req
249. If you could just kind of
put a scare into him,Copy !req
250. you know,
set him straight.Copy !req
251. We have a 51-50
in paperbacks.Copy !req
252. All units respond.Copy !req
253. Roger, 10-4.Copy !req
254. 51-50. That—
That's just a scare, right?Copy !req
255. 51-50. That—
That's just a scare, right?Copy !req
256. I'm gonna have to ask you
to stand out of the wayCopy !req
257. and let us handle this.Copy !req
258. Swarm! Swarm!Copy !req
259. What?Copy !req
260. I'm an old man! I'm confused!Copy !req
261. You're under arrest.Copy !req
262. I just wanted you
to scare him.Copy !req
263. Jerry, you ratted me out!Copy !req
264. Hello?Copy !req
265. Hello.Copy !req
266. Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo.Copy !req
267. I just wanted the guard
to scare him straight.Copy !req
268. Jerry, he won't last a day
in prison.Copy !req
269. Prison?Copy !req
270. I'm sure it's just a fine.Copy !req
271. He's got priors.Copy !req
272. Prior convictions?
Leo?Copy !req
273. It was a crime of passion.
Leave it alone.Copy !req
274. Besides,Copy !req
275. it's not stealing
if it's something you need.Copy !req
276. What does that mean?Copy !req
277. Nobody pays
for everything.Copy !req
278. You're stealing too?Copy !req
279. What are you stealing?Copy !req
280. What are you stealing?Copy !req
281. Nothing.Copy !req
282. Uh, batteries.Copy !req
283. Well, they wear out so quick.Copy !req
284. Mom, you too?Copy !req
285. Sometimes your father forgets,
so I have to steal them.Copy !req
286. All right,
I'll talk to you later.Copy !req
287. Well, the ricksha's gone.Copy !req
288. We strapped it
to a homeless guy and he—Copy !req
289. He bolted.Copy !req
290. Well, you know,
85 percent of allCopy !req
291. homeless ricksha businesses fail
within the first three months.Copy !req
292. I tell you, we should have
got some collateral from him.Copy !req
293. I tell you, we should have
got some collateral from him.Copy !req
294. Like his bag of cans
or his...Copy !req
295. other bag of cans.Copy !req
296. We gotta find that ricksha.Copy !req
297. You check the sewers
and dumpsters.Copy !req
298. I'll hit the soup kitchens,
bakeries and smorgasbords.Copy !req
299. To the idiot-mobile.Copy !req
300. So even though you're not really
going out with this guy,Copy !req
301. he's cheating on you.Copy !req
302. That is correct.Copy !req
303. But here's the beauty part.Copy !req
304. Now, I stand up for myself
by telling everybodyCopy !req
305. I'm dumping his sorry ass,Copy !req
306. I'm dumping his sorry ass,Copy !req
307. and I'm the... office...Copy !req
308. Tina Turner?Copy !req
309. All right.Copy !req
310. Well, I've been
to every Brentano's.Copy !req
311. This thing is flagged
in every database in town.Copy !req
312. Is it so horrible
to have to keep a book?Copy !req
313. I don't understand
what the big deal is.Copy !req
314. They let you try on pants.Copy !req
315. Not underpants.Copy !req
316. Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.Copy !req
317. Uncle Leo. Hello!Copy !req
318. Jerry.Copy !req
319. Jerry.Copy !req
320. Uncle Leo...Copy !req
321. I'm sorry.
I didn't know about your...Copy !req
322. past.Copy !req
323. You mean my crime of passion?Copy !req
324. If anyone betrays me,
I never forget.Copy !req
325. Uncle Leo, wait!Copy !req
326. Hello!Copy !req
327. French impressionism.
Ohh, I love this!Copy !req
328. Now, what is the problem
with this book?Copy !req
329. Nothing.Copy !req
330. How much do you want for it?Copy !req
331. You know, I could let it go
for, uh, say, 125.Copy !req
332. You know, I could let it go
for, uh, say, 125.Copy !req
333. Leo's furious.Copy !req
334. What is that
doing on the table?Copy !req
335. Jerry, simmer down.Copy !req
336. I'm not eating anything
in the vicinity of that book.Copy !req
337. What is wrong with this book?Copy !req
338. Simmer!Copy !req
339. That book has been
on a wild ride.Copy !req
340. George took it
into the bathroom at—Copy !req
341. All right!Copy !req
342. Everyone clear!Copy !req
343. Biohazard! Coming through!Copy !req
344. Clear!Copy !req
345. Clear!Copy !req
346. May I ask,Copy !req
347. May I ask,Copy !req
348. what do you read
in the bathroom?Copy !req
349. I don't read in the bathroom.Copy !req
350. Well, aren't you something?Copy !req
351. Elaine, do you have a moment?Copy !req
352. It's about your lover.Copy !req
353. Oh, yes.Copy !req
354. I know all about
his little performanceCopy !req
355. in the break room.Copy !req
356. Elaine,Copy !req
357. who among us hasn't snuck
into the break roomCopy !req
358. to nibble on a love newton?Copy !req
359. Love newton?Copy !req
360. Love newton?Copy !req
361. I'm afraid the problem with Zach
is more serious.Copy !req
362. He's back on the horse, Elaine.Copy !req
363. Smack.Copy !req
364. White palace.Copy !req
365. The Chinaman's nightcap.Copy !req
366. An addict.Copy !req
367. Well, it just keeps
getting better.Copy !req
368. And in a tiny way,
I almost feel responsible.Copy !req
369. I'm the one
who sent him to ThailandCopy !req
370. in search of low-cost whistles.Copy !req
371. Filled his head
with pseudo-erotic talesCopy !req
372. of my own opium excursions.Copy !req
373. Plus I gave him
some phone numbersCopy !req
374. of places he could score
near the hotel.Copy !req
375. of places he could score
near the hotel.Copy !req
376. Look, uh, Mr. Peterman,
the fact is,Copy !req
377. is that I was planning on
breaking up with Zach anyway.Copy !req
378. He was cheating on me.Copy !req
379. Damn it, Elaine,
that wasn't Zach.Copy !req
380. That was the yam-yam.Copy !req
381. Now, he is going cold turkey,
and you will be at his side.Copy !req
382. Oh. Well, you know, I—
I had planned to—Copy !req
383. No buts, Elaine,Copy !req
384. or I will strip you
of your associate status.Copy !req
385. Uh, P.S.,Copy !req
386. the first 24 hours
are the worst.Copy !req
387. the first 24 hours
are the worst.Copy !req
388. Better bring a poncho.Copy !req
389. It was a crime of passion.Copy !req
390. If anyone betrays me,
I never forget.Copy !req
391. He won't last a day in prison.Copy !req
392. Jerry.Copy !req
393. Hello!Copy !req
394. Jerry.Copy !req
395. Jerry.Copy !req
396. Hello!Copy !req
397. Jerry!Copy !req
398. Answer the damn phone!Copy !req
399. Hello!Copy !req
400. Hey. It's me.Copy !req
401. Uncle Leo?Copy !req
402. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
403. What are you up to?Copy !req
404. Nightmares. You?Copy !req
405. My fake boyfriend is going
through real withdrawals.Copy !req
406. I'm burning up!Copy !req
407. Eat your soup!Copy !req
408. You're not feeding him, are you?Copy !req
409. Why?Copy !req
410. I told you,
away from the curtains.Copy !req
411. Away.Copy !req
412. Use your bucket.Copy !req
413. There you go. That's it.Copy !req
414. You know what? I gotta go.Copy !req
415. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
416. Oh!Copy !req
417. Kramer.Copy !req
418. I thought I heard you.Copy !req
419. Get out of here.Copy !req
420. Hey, Kramer,
there you are.Copy !req
421. Will everybody please leave?Copy !req
422. I heard that a postman
spotted a rickshaCopy !req
423. down in Battery Park.Copy !req
424. Our ricksha?
It's entirely possible.Copy !req
425. Our ricksha?
It's entirely possible.Copy !req
426. I want everyone out!Copy !req
427. Ok, let's talk
in Jerry's kitchen.Copy !req
428. Ah.
I'll make some cocoa.Copy !req
429. Good night... Jerry.Copy !req
430. Good night... Newman.Copy !req
431. There it is.Copy !req
432. Rusty.Copy !req
433. Oh, there you are.Copy !req
434. Oh, do I get the job?Copy !req
435. Yeah, yeah.
We'll get back to you.Copy !req
436. Come on,
let's get this baby home.Copy !req
437. What?Copy !req
438. You know,
when you think about it,Copy !req
439. it's kind of silly for us both
to pull this thingCopy !req
440. all the way back uptown.Copy !req
441. I mean, after all,
it is a conveyance.Copy !req
442. I guess, that's true.Copy !req
443. So which one of us
is gonna pull?Copy !req
444. Well, there's only one way
to settle this.Copy !req
445. One spot, two spot,
zigzag, tear,Copy !req
446. pop-dye, penny got,
tennyum, tear,Copy !req
447. harum-scarum,
rip 'em, tear 'em,Copy !req
448. te, ta...Copy !req
449. toe.
Yeah.Copy !req
450. Best two out of three.Copy !req
451. Best two out of three.Copy !req
452. One spot, two spot...Copy !req
453. Hey, boy!Copy !req
454. Smooth it out up there!Copy !req
455. Too much jostling!Copy !req
456. So you wanna donate this
to charity?Copy !req
457. Well, I assume
there's some sort of write-off.Copy !req
458. What's the value of the book?Copy !req
459. A-about $200, Miss DeMooney.Copy !req
460. It's DeMornay.Copy !req
461. Rebecca DeMornay.Copy !req
462. Oh.Copy !req
463. Oh. Wait a second.Copy !req
464. This book has been
in a bathroom.Copy !req
465. Wh-what are you talking about?Copy !req
466. Wh-what are you talking about?Copy !req
467. That's— That's ridiculous.Copy !req
468. It's been flagged.Copy !req
469. I know.Copy !req
470. I used to work
in a Brentano's.Copy !req
471. Mister, we're trying to help
the homeless here.Copy !req
472. It's bad enough
that we have some nut out thereCopy !req
473. trying to strap 'em
to a ricksha!Copy !req
474. All right, I—Copy !req
475. I'll just take 50.Copy !req
476. D-do we have a deal?Copy !req
477. Yeah.Copy !req
478. And here it is.Copy !req
479. You get your toilet book
out of here,Copy !req
480. and I won't jump over
this counterCopy !req
481. and punch you in the brain.Copy !req
482. I could take it in merchandise.Copy !req
483. Here I come.Copy !req
484. Here I come.Copy !req
485. So this book will tell me
how to get puke out of cashmere?Copy !req
486. Yeah.Copy !req
487. Great.Copy !req
488. So the worst is over?Copy !req
489. Yeah.Copy !req
490. Now I can break up
with him.Copy !req
491. He's clean
and I'm the office hero.Copy !req
492. Seems like you're better at fake
relationships than real ones.Copy !req
493. Yeah. Huh.Copy !req
494. I even got an idea
out of it.Copy !req
495. The detox poncho.Copy !req
496. See ya.Copy !req
497. I'd like to speak
with the manager, please.Copy !req
498. I'd like to speak
with the manager, please.Copy !req
499. Mind your pace, boy!
Chop chop!Copy !req
500. I've hit the wall!
I gotta take a break!Copy !req
501. Well, don't tarry.
I'm behind schedule as it is.Copy !req
502. Yah!Copy !req
503. Boy?Copy !req
504. Boy!Copy !req
505. Kramer!Copy !req
506. Whoa!Copy !req
507. Wait!Copy !req
508. Well,Copy !req
509. this is the first day
of the rest of my life.Copy !req
510. George,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
511. I can't sell the book.Copy !req
512. It's been marked.Copy !req
513. It certainly has.Copy !req
514. So I'm going to steal
another one,Copy !req
515. and then I'm going
to return it.Copy !req
516. That way, everything is even.Copy !req
517. That way, everything is even.Copy !req
518. You defile one book,Copy !req
519. steal another,Copy !req
520. ask for your money back,Copy !req
521. and to you that's even.Copy !req
522. I'm going in.Copy !req
523. Did you want to speak
to the manager?Copy !req
524. Yes. My uncle Leo was caught
shoplifting here the other day.Copy !req
525. Yes. Uncle Leo.
I remember him.Copy !req
526. I'm sorry. Our policy is
we prosecute all shoplifters.Copy !req
527. Oh, come on.
He's just a lonely old man.Copy !req
528. All old people steal.Copy !req
529. That's right.Copy !req
530. That's why we stopped
carrying batteries.Copy !req
531. That's why we stopped
carrying batteries.Copy !req
532. Look, I'll be honest with you,Copy !req
533. We've had a lot of trouble
with theft lately,Copy !req
534. and my boss said I have
to make an example of someone.Copy !req
535. So it could be anyone?Copy !req
536. Mm, I guess.Copy !req
537. As long as we catch him
in the act.Copy !req
538. That guy!
Swarm!Copy !req
539. Swarm!Copy !req
540. No! Jerry!Copy !req