Seinfeld 9x14

1. Ahem. Maura, I, uh— I want you to know

2. I've given this a lot of thought.

3. I'm sorry, but, we, uh—

4. We have to break up.

5. No.

6. What's that?

7. We're not breaking up.

8. W-we're not?

9. No.

10. All right.

11. She said no?

12. She said no.

13. What did you do?

14. What could I do?

15. We fooled around and went to a movie.

16. George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup.

17. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine

18. and you both have to turn your keys.

19. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case.

20. Let me hear your arguments.

21. Well, I don't really like her.

22. That's good.

23. I don't find her attractive.

24. Solid.

25. I'd like to sleep with

26. a lot of other women. Always popular.

27. a lot of other women. Always popular.

28. Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food.

29. Ooh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are so good.

30. You have an airtight case.

31. And in bed— I'm afraid we're out of time.

32. Hey. What?

33. Check these out.

34. These are Jerry Lewis' old cuff links

35. that he actually wore in the movie Cinderfella.

36. I got 'em at an auction.

37. I got some cuff links I could've loaned you.

38. No. Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this

39. Friar's Club roast I'm going to.

40. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him.

41. You already have an in.

42. You already have an in.

43. You have the same first name:

44. Jerry.

45. Oh, that'll intrigue him.

46. Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week.

47. George Peppard has been dead for years.

48. Well, whoever he was,

49. he knew a lot about The A-Team.

50. So you would choose your last meal

51. based on the method of execution?

52. Right. Right. I mean, if I was getting the chair,

53. I'd go for something hot and spicy.

54. I'd go for something hot and spicy.

55. You know, Thai, maybe Mexican.

56. Lethal injection feels like pasta, you know?

57. It's painless. Don't want anything too heavy.

58. So, um, why don't we get together some time?

59. Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your number?

60. I think it'd be better if I called you.

61. Oh. Okay. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime...

62. Do—? Do you work around here, or—?

63. Mm-mm. No. Not really.

64. So is there anything you can tell me about yourself?

65. I think you're very beautiful.

66. Oh. Ha, ha. That'll do.

67. Oh. Ha, ha. That'll do.

68. What about Puddy?

69. I haven't talked to him in like three weeks.

70. I think it might be over.

71. So, what's this guy about?

72. I don't know.

73. Wouldn't tell me his phone number,

74. where he worked...

75. I'll bet he's in a relationship.

76. Or he's a crime fighter

77. safeguarding his secret identity.

78. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!

79. Which one is he?

80. Green suit, power ring.

81. Green suit, power ring.

82. I don't care for jewelry on men.

83. Hey.

84. It happened again.

85. Another robbery in the building.

86. So you bought a cooler?

87. It's a strongbox to protect my irreplaceables.

88. And what would those be?

89. Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations.

90. My Tony, my military discharge.

91. You were in the Army?

92. Eh... briefly.

93. Now I gotta find a good place to hide this key,

94. Now I gotta find a good place to hide this key,

95. because if somebody finds this,

96. they hold the key to all my possessions.

97. Literally.

98. Literally?

99. What's that supposed to mean?

100. You mind if I hide this somewhere?

101. No. Go ahead.

102. A little privacy, huh?

103. Oh, come on! Oh.

104. Come on, Jerry. This is a security issue.

105. Boy, you wouldn't last a day in the Army.

106. How long did you last?

107. That's classified.

108. Hey, what if he's married?

109. Kramer?

110. No, the Green Lantern.

111. Okay!

112. So you would date a married guy?

113. That's so hacky.

114. Well, I don't know. I may never marry.

115. This might be the closest I get.

116. You peeked!

117. This is your hiding place?

118. It was under a spoon!

119. And so, for all these reasons,

120. we are officially broken up.

121. Thank you...

122. and good night.

123. No, George, we're not.

124. But I proved it!

125. I refuse to give up on this relationship.

126. It's like launching missiles from a submarine.

127. Both of us have to turn our keys.

128. Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key.

129. I'm sorry, George. I can't do that.

130. I'm sorry, George. I can't do that.

131. Turn your key, Maura!

132. Turn your key!

133. So how is a guy like you not involved?

134. I might ask you the same thing.

135. That's true. Maybe he's not married.

136. Oh, that is so sweet.

137. How long do I have to hold this?

138. Oh, no.

139. Who is it? Uh...

140. Uh, no one. No one.

141. Here. Uh, let me show you a shortcut. Come on.

142. Married. That's it. I'm chuckin' the flower.

143. Jerry!

144. Jerry!

145. Elaine, what are you doing down there?

146. You didn't hear me buzzing?

147. Oh, I guess it's broken.

148. Well, throw down your key.

149. It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer!

150. I'll catch it!

151. You'll chicken out at the last second.

152. Yeah, you're right.

153. Yeah, you're right.

154. Well, will you at least

155. keep me company until somebody comes out?

156. All right.

157. Hey, you know what's weird?

158. Huh?

159. I used to be able

160. to have a huge meal,

161. go right to sleep, but I can't anymore.

162. Nodding off!

163. Well, I was right. He's an adulterer.

164. And he's cheating on his wife with me!

165. We haven't done anything yet.

166. I'm hungry! Can you throw something down?

167. All right!

168. Here! I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer.

169. It went in the sewer!

170. Hey! What are you doing?

171. You jammed your key in here?

172. You shorted out my intercom!

173. You shorted out my intercom!

174. You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you?

175. See, you hate it that I have a little secret.

176. Anything I do: ooh, ooh! You gotta know all about it!

177. You're so obsessed with me!

178. I'm gonna go let Elaine in.

179. What are you doing with her?

180. Kramer!

181. Security issue!

182. Oh, hey, you got in. Yeah.

183. Flirted with the menu guy. Here.

184. Oh. Thanks.

185. That wasn't me!

186. That wasn't me!

187. So he's definitely married, huh?

188. Ugh.

189. Boy, would have loved to have been there

190. when you told him off.

191. Oh, come on.

192. Well, he could be a superhero!

193. You should've seen him run.

194. Okay!

195. All right, Jerry.

196. Let's see if you can get it in your head

197. that this is not an Easter egg hunt

198. for your childish amusement.

199. Jerry!

200. George, the buzzer's broken. I'll come down!

201. I believe this belongs to you.

202. Where did you get that?

203. I bought it.

204. Thanks.

205. I'm sorry. I—

206. I don't know you. What?

207. There's been some robberies in the building.

208. I— I can't let you in.

209. But I live here. I ran out to buy some birdseed,

210. and— And I forgot my key.

211. Sounds like a scam.

212. I'm very sorry.

213. So I broke up with Maura.

214. It's done. I'm out.

215. Great. You're lonely and miserable again.

216. Feels right.

217. Is that guy still there?

218. He's staring at us.

219. Don't look at him.

220. We don't hear that.

221. Want a bite?

222. No, I don't.

223. I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop

224. is just Coke and Sprite mixed together.

225. How can I prove it?

226. Ah! I can't! Damn it!

227. Hi, honey.

228. What?

229. M-Maura, what are you doin' here?

230. I ended this relationship twice.

231. George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight.

232. Why does it always seem like

233. I'm the only one working at this breakup?

234. George, I listened to your arguments,

235. and they were rambling and flimsy.

236. I'm not convinced.

237. Come on. Get dressed, and let's get some dinner.

238. All right.

239. [BABY-TALK VOICE] Ew, Mr. Apple! You have a brown spot!

240. So this is your little... love nest?

241. It's nothing special, just a little place I keep.

242. Oh.

243. Uh, shall I light a fire?

244. Oh. That sounds... romantic.

245. I'm having a little problem with the heat.

246. Um, I got some cardboard out here.

247. Um, I got some cardboard out here.

248. This is wrong! I should go!

249. Can you get that, please?

250. Oh, sure!

251. Where's Glenn?

252. You're the woman from the street,

253. and I am so sorry.

254. You know, I'm not really a homewrecker.

255. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero.

256. I swear!

257. Lady, I'm not his wife. I'm his welfare caseworker.

258. Is he home?

259. This is his home?

260. Yes.

261. So he's...

262. Poor.

263. I think this will burn!

264. So you do live here.

265. Yeah.

266. You live on this floor?

267. Yeah.

268. So you live right...

269. there. Yeah.

270. So I guess I'll s—

271. He wouldn't give me his number,

272. because he doesn't have a phone.

273. He's not married.

274. He's poor.

275. Is he wretchedly poor?

276. Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?

277. He probably busted it up and burned it for heat.

278. So when are you givin' Boxcar Willie

279. his walkin' papers?

280. How can I end it over money?

281. I feel bad.

282. I feel bad.

283. Well, let's think.

284. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation?

285. Yes. There was this homeless guy

286. who used to urinate on our garbage cans.

287. Good. How did you handle that?

288. Well, we gave him a few bucks,

289. and now he goes in the alley across the street.

290. Same situation.

291. Pay him off, and you're clean.

292. Well, I am not paying Glenn off

293. to get out of this relationship.

294. Wh—? What am I supposed to do,

295. just walk into his hovel and hand him...?

296. Well, how much do you think it would be?

297. Hey.

298. Hey, where have you been?

299. Seeing Maura.

300. Apparently, I was unable to break up

301. beyond a reasonable doubt.

302. If only he could have been cheating on his wife.

303. You know, things would have been so much simpler.

304. Who is this, Blue Arrow?

305. Green Lantern.

306. We found out his super-power was lack of money.

307. All right.

308. He's invulnerable

309. to creditors. We get it.

310. He's the Got-No-Green Lantern.

311. Thank you.

312. Hey, Elaine.

313. Hey, Elaine.

314. Maybe his girlfriend

315. is Lois Loan.

316. Well-crafted.

317. Hey, maybe this cheating thing

318. is what I could use to ditch Maura.

319. Sure. Just tell Maura you're having an affair.

320. She's like a district attorney.

321. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross.

322. I actually have to do it.

323. Could you move over there?

324. Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work

325. Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work

326. that always had a crush on me.

327. Really? How come you never pursued her before?

328. She's too tanned.

329. It's the middle of the winter. She's like a carrot.

330. Did I leave my glasses here?

331. He could wipe out his checking account

332. in a single bounce! Keep 'em.

333. There's a giant parrot in the hallway.

334. It's Phil's. Who?

335. Our neighbor that you turned against.

336. Anyway, I told him it would be fine with us

337. if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway.

338. What'd you tell him that for?

339. Because since you've been playing God with the front door,

340. I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry.

341. In fact, I was just hangin' out at his place.

342. Really? What's it like?

343. Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch?

344. Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved.

345. I hid it at Phil's.

346. He let you? No. He doesn't know.

347. See, I hid it without telling him.

348. So, uh, Phil won't be compulsively looking for it,

349. like some people.

350. like some people.

351. You.

352. So you— You say you've been in the city all winter?

353. I was in Maine for a couple days.

354. Well...

355. here we are.

356. George...

357. I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you.

358. I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you.

359. Ho-ho!

360. But...

361. I don't want to spoil things

362. by sleeping with you too soon.

363. Are you sure?

364. 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam.

365. I wanna build something with you, George.

366. Oh, not more building.

367. And I won't take "no" for an answer.

368. No?

369. No.

370. All right.

371. All right.

372. Eh, what are we doing in this alley, anyway?

373. It's a surprise.

374. Oh.

375. What are you doing? What is that?

376. It's a bag of doughnuts.

377. It's garbage. No, no, no, no.

378. When they make the new ones,

379. the old ones come out right here.

380. All right. That's it.

381. How do you spell your last name?

382. It's a bear claw!

383. You have no idea how rare this is.

384. I'll make it out to cash.

385. How about 200 bucks?

386. How about 200 bucks?

387. Two-fifty?

388. Mm!

389. Make it 300.

390. You know, Elaine,

391. you're the bear claw

392. in the garbage bag of my life.

393. Aw, Glenn...

394. Hi. Is Phil here?

395. Yeah, I'm here.

396. Phil, hi.

397. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start,

398. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start,

399. but your bird—

400. Which is lovely, by the way.

401. —made a mess on my door.

402. And?

403. I thought maybe you'd clean it up,

404. or your maid there.

405. That's my wife.

406. All right. I think we're done here.

407. So you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like,

408. and you're having an affair with a woman

409. that won't have sex with you.

410. This isn't going well.

411. This isn't going well.

412. I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cuff links.

413. Without 'em, I have no in!

414. You don't need the cuff links!

415. You have the same name!

416. Jerry!

417. Where you goin'? Help me look!

418. It's a big night. I'm, uh...

419. ice-skating with one,

420. and going to a staged reading of Godspell with the other.

421. Which is with who?

422. It doesn't matter.

423. Whoo! Boy.

424. Yeah, you clean up nice.

425. I can't go until I find my cuff links.

426. Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em.

427. That's why I took 'em outta your dresser drawer

428. and put 'em in my strongbox.

429. You're a lifesaver.

430. Would you get them, please?

431. Yeah. We'll stop by Phil's. We'll pick up the key.

432. Hey, what's goin' on?

433. Fredo is dead.

434. That strange Portuguese guy

435. that lives next door to the incinerator?

436. No! My bird.

437. We just got back from the pet cemetery.

438. We just got back from the pet cemetery.

439. Oh... Phil.

440. Mrs. Phil.

441. I'm so sorry.

442. Oh, I'll bet you are!

443. They told us he was poisoned!

444. Something in his food.

445. But I— I didn't— I—

446. Kramer, they think I killed Fredo!

447. And who buries a bird?

448. Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy,

449. and he puts it in the incinerator.

450. Just get the key,

451. and let's get outta here. Yeah, yeah.

452. You know, it's a—

453. It's a funny thing about that bird dying.

454. It's a funny thing about that bird dying.

455. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish.

456. Whew! That's a weird coincidence, huh?

457. Kramer. What?

458. You killed Fredo!

459. Well, Fredo was weak and stupid.

460. He shouldn't have eaten that key.

461. Kramer, I need those cuff links,

462. but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird.

463. What are we gonna do?

464. You just answered your own question.

465. Oh, no.

466. I'll get the shovel.

467. The, uh, actor that played Jesus

468. The, uh, actor that played Jesus

469. made some odd choices.

470. What?

471. I mean, uh, I had fun ice-skating.

472. George?

473. Maura.

474. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

475. You told me to meet you here for lunch.

476. Oh! I'm caught in my own web of lies!

477. I'm Maura.

478. I'm Loretta. You wanna join us?

479. I'm Loretta. You wanna join us?

480. Oh! This is all blowing up in my face!

481. My— My serious girlfriend and my torrid love affair

482. have accidentally crossed paths.

483. I have ruined three lives!

484. Well, I understand if you never wanna see me again.

485. So...

486. George, what we have is too important.

487. We can work through this.

488. So can we.

489. What?

490. So this is still not over?

491. No.

492. You?

493. No.

494. No.

495. All right.

496. Elaine, wow.

497. A TV, a stereo.

498. Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood

499. so you won't have to burn 'em.

500. Oh, my God. Alison.

501. You're home early.

502. Who is this?

503. His wife.

504. You're poor and married?

505. You're poor and married?

506. Looks like it.

507. Who the hell are you?

508. I guess I'm Lois Loan.

509. Kramer, I can't believe we're graverobbers.

510. "Man's best friend."

511. Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.

512. Oh, my God. Here he is.

513. I don't wanna dig him up.

514. All right. Then you're the one

515. getting the key out of him.

516. I'll dig.

517. Listen, I heard that Lassie number three's

518. buried around here.

519. I'm gonna go check it out.

520. Well, that was easy.

521. All right, honey. One last look.

522. Then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.

523. Hey, Kramer, I dug Fredo up.

524. Now let's cut him open.

525. Oh, my God!

526. Hey, neighbor.

527. All right.

528. I'm gonna try giving them $55 each.

529. What do you think?

530. Give me 40, you'll never see me again.

531. So what're you gonna do? You gonna live here,

532. are you gonna move out, or what?

533. I'll just take the fire escape

534. to get in and out of the building.

535. So, what's in the cooler?

536. So, what's in the cooler?

537. Well, will you look at that.

538. I guess I forgot to lock it.

539. You mean it was open?

540. We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?

541. Well,

542. this is one for the books, huh, Jerry?

543. Really one for the books.