1. I started out working in mortgage
bonds, but I found that so limiting.
Copy !req
2. My friend Kramer and I were
discussing that the other day.
Copy !req
3. He was with Brandt-Leland
for a while.
Copy !req
4. Well, then my mentor suggested
that I move into equities.
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5. Best move I ever made.
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6. - Mentor? You mean your boss?
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
7. Cynthia's a successful
businesswoman...
Copy !req
8. who's taken me under her wing.
Copy !req
9. - So Cynthia's your mentor?
- And I'm her protégé.
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10. You must have someone like that.
Copy !req
11. You know, who guides you
in your career path.
Copy !req
12. Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.
Copy !req
13. I still don't understand this.
Abby has a mentor?
Copy !req
14. Yes. And the mentor
advises the protégé.
Copy !req
15. ls there any money involved?
Copy !req
16. - No.
- So, what's in it for the mentor?
Copy !req
17. Respect, admiration, prestige.
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18. Would the protégé
pick up stuff for the mentor?
Copy !req
19. I suppose if it was on the protégé's
way to the mentor, they might.
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20. Laundry? Dry cleaning?
Copy !req
21. It's not a valet, it's a protégé.
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22. All right.
Copy !req
23. Listen, I gotta get some reading done.
You mind if I do this here?
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24. I can't concentrate in my apartment.
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25. - " Risk management"?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
26. Steinbrenner wants everyone
in the front office...
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27. to give a lecture
in their area of business expertise.
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28. What makes them think
you're a risk-management expert?
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29. I guess it's on my résumé.
Copy !req
30. - Hello?
- Please hold for Elaine Benes.
Copy !req
31. You know what? I can't do this.
I can't read books anymore.
Copy !req
32. Books on tape
have ruined me, Jerry.
Copy !req
33. I need that nice voice. This book
has my voice. I hate my voice.
Copy !req
34. - So get this book on tape.
- You can't. It's a textbook.
Copy !req
35. Hey, Jer, are you going
to this Bob Sacamano party?
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36. Am I going? It was three nights ago.
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37. What? You're kidding.
I just got this invitation today.
Copy !req
38. Oh, I was so excited.
It's really a beautiful invitation.
Copy !req
39. Oh, it was a lovely affair.
Copy !req
40. Oh, wait a minute.
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41. This postmark is three weeks old.
Man, this happens all the time.
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42. Janine, who the hell
runs the mailroom?
Copy !req
43. - Eddie Sherman.
- All right. Send him up here.
Copy !req
44. - You gonna do a little yelling?
- I'm gonna do a little firing.
Copy !req
45. That is so cool.
Can you put me on the speaker?
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46. Oh, yeah. Sure.
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47. Give me a break.
Copy !req
48. Hey, Copernicus.
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49. - Eddie Sherman is here.
- Oh, great. Send him in.
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50. - You wanted to see me?
- Eddie, yes.
Copy !req
51. I am so sorry, but I'm afraid
we're gonna have to...
Copy !req
52. promote you.
Copy !req
53. So, what did you say?
Copy !req
54. Well, I called him
all the way up to my office...
Copy !req
55. so I had to tell him
something important.
Copy !req
56. So I promoted him.
Copy !req
57. - What? What did you—?
- Copywriter.
Copy !req
58. He's writing copy?
Copy !req
59. Well, it can't be any worse than the
pointless drivel we normally churn out.
Copy !req
60. Check it out.
Copy !req
61. - "Jewish singles night"?
- I expect you both to be there.
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62. - I'm not Jewish.
- Well, neither am l.
Copy !req
63. - Well, why are you going?
- I'm not. I'm running it.
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64. - What are you talking about?
- Lomez usually runs it...
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65. but he's in the Everglades.
Copy !req
66. - Lomez is Jewish?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
67. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.
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68. At the Knights of Columbus?
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69. Yeah. Frank Costanza's
getting me a room in his lodge.
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70. Jerry, I'm really counting on you
to come to this.
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71. - Kramer—
- Jerry, look.
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72. I'm cooking all the food myself.
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73. "A tempting schmeer
of authentic Jewish delicacies."
Copy !req
74. Do you like tsimmes?
Copy !req
75. My mentor says
the duck is outstanding here.
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76. I'm not really a duck fan.
The skin seems sort of human.
Copy !req
77. Oh, look who's here. Cynthia.
Copy !req
78. - Hello, Abby.
- Hello.
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79. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman,
my mentor.
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80. - Hello.
- Hi, Jerry. Nice to finally meet you.
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81. Join us. We can pull up a chair.
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82. Well, great.
My boyfriend's just parking the car.
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83. Actually, Jerry, you might know him.
He's a comic too.
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84. - No kidding.
- Kenny Bania.
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85. Bania?
Copy !req
86. Hey, Jerry. How's it going?
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87. You gonna join us for dinner?
The duck here is the best.
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88. The best, Jerry.
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89. Excuse me.
I'm sorry to bother you.
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90. I noticed that you have
a textbook on tape.
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91. May I ask where you got that?
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92. Reading for the Blind.
They can get any book on tape.
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93. I tell you, I am hooked
on these books on tape.
Copy !req
94. Tell me about it. These things
have ruined me for Braille.
Copy !req
95. Reading for the Blind?
Copy !req
96. I take an eye test, I flunk it.
Next thing you know...
Copy !req
97. I am swinging to the sweet sounds
of risk management.
Copy !req
98. - So I finally met the mentor.
- What's she like? lmpressive?
Copy !req
99. Oh, yeah. She's dating Bania.
Copy !req
100. - Bania?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
101. I had to spend two hours at dinner
last night with that specimen.
Copy !req
102. - What'd you have?
- Chicken.
Copy !req
103. How could she look up
to a person...
Copy !req
104. who voluntarily
spends time with Bania?
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105. - Marsala?
- Piccata.
Copy !req
106. if anything,
I should be dating a mentor...
Copy !req
107. and Bania should be
setting pins at a bowling alley.
Copy !req
108. - All right. I got a test to fail.
- Hey, good luck with that.
Copy !req
109. Thanks. Dad.
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110. What are you,
in an athletic sweat suit?
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111. What are you doing here?
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112. Came to get his check
for the banquet hall.
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113. You know, I got 183 responses.
Oh, it's gonna be a rager.
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114. Kramer, how are you gonna cook
Jewish delicacies for 183 people?
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115. You're right. That's a lot of pupiks.
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116. Frank, you know anybody
who can help me cook?
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117. Cook? No. I don't know any cooks.
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118. I don't know anything
about cooking!
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119. What's the matter with him?
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120. My dad was a cook
during the Korean War.
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121. Something very bad happened.
Copy !req
122. Ever since,
you can't get him near a kitchen.
Copy !req
123. - Shell-shocked?
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
124. But that has nothing to do with it.
Copy !req
125. Good work, guys.
That ought to do it for today.
Copy !req
126. - Alrighty?
- Wait.
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127. You didn't ask me about my ideas.
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128. Oh, Eddie, well, it's your first day.
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129. - I'm ready.
- Okay.
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130. " It's a hot night. The mind races.
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131. You think about your knife...
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132. the only friend
who hasn't betrayed you.
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133. The only friend
who won't be dead by sun-up.
Copy !req
134. Sleep tight, mates,
in your quilted chambray nightshirts."
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135. What am I gonna do?
He is a disaster.
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136. Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe
he's in line for another promotion.
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137. You know what?
You are exactly right.
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138. That is what I should do.
I should promote him.
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139. I'll give him another office
on another floor, and he can sit there...
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140. with his nice title
and his bayonet...
Copy !req
141. and stop freaking me out.
Copy !req
142. Nothing at all.
Copy !req
143. Well, George,
your vision is quite impaired.
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144. if you'll just sign this
insurance form. Here's a pen.
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145. You're a very handsome man,
by the way.
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146. What the hell is going on here?
Copy !req
147. Look out!
Copy !req
148. - What are you doing?
- I got three kitchens going.
Copy !req
149. I got brisket going at Newman's,
I got kugel working at Mrs. Zanfino's...
Copy !req
150. and this is kreplach.
Copy !req
151. Here, try some of this.
Copy !req
152. - No, I don't want to.
- Eat, eat, you're skin and bones.
Copy !req
153. - Oh, this is awful.
- Oh, Jerry, it's kreplach.
Copy !req
154. It's an acquired taste. Yeah.
Copy !req
155. Did you follow the recipe?
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156. The recipe was for four to six.
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157. I had to multiply it for 183 people.
Copy !req
158. I guess I got confused.
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159. It tastes like dirt.
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160. Well, I also dropped it
on the way over.
Copy !req
161. Jerry, I'm in trouble.
I got no skills.
Copy !req
162. I can't peel, I can't chop,
I can't grate, I can't mince.
Copy !req
163. I got no sense of flavour, obviously.
Copy !req
164. I gotta talk to Frank.
Copy !req
165. - You can't—
- I gotta talk to him.
Copy !req
166. I know that he can help me—
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167. I think there's a dead animal
in the elevator.
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168. My stuffed cabbage.
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169. - So great dinner last night.
- Yeah, it was all right.
Copy !req
170. I told Cynthia we'd double
with her and Bania Saturday...
Copy !req
171. - ... and then catch his act.
- No. No.
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172. - No way. No Bania.
- What?
Copy !req
173. Have you seen his act? He's got
a 12-minute bit about Ovaltine.
Copy !req
174. He's a pug, a patsy, a hack.
Copy !req
175. Cynthia would not date a hack.
Copy !req
176. Would. Does. Ls.
Copy !req
177. Before we get started...
Copy !req
178. I am happy to tell you
that Eddie Sherman...
Copy !req
179. is no longer writing
for this catalogue.
Copy !req
180. - It's about time.
- He's upstairs.
Copy !req
181. I made him director
of corporate development.
Copy !req
182. You promoted him?
Copy !req
183. Well, no. I would hardly—
Copy !req
184. - I bust my hump every day.
- Relax.
Copy !req
185. As far as I'm concerned,
you and your deranged protégé...
Copy !req
186. can run the catalogue
by yourselves.
Copy !req
187. I quit!
Copy !req
188. - I'm with him.
- Me too.
Copy !req
189. What? Hey.
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190. Hey. Hey!
Copy !req
191. Chapter one.
Copy !req
192. In order to manage risk,
we must first understand risk.
Copy !req
193. How do you spot risk?
Copy !req
194. How do you av oid risk,
and what mak es it so risky?
Copy !req
195. - This guy sounds like me.
- To understand risk, we must first...
Copy !req
196. - ... define risk. Risk...
- This is horrible.
Copy !req
197. - ... existed virtually—
- Stop it. Stop it. Shut up!
Copy !req
198. Come on, Frank, I need you.
Copy !req
199. I mean, the war was 50 years ago.
Copy !req
200. In my mind,
there's a war still going on.
Copy !req
201. All right, what happened?
Copy !req
202. What is it that you can't get over?
Copy !req
203. lnchon, Korea, 1950.
Copy !req
204. I was the best cook
Uncle Sam ever saw.
Copy !req
205. Slinging hash for the fighting 103rd.
Copy !req
206. As we marched north,
our supply lines were getting thin.
Copy !req
207. Well, one day,
a couple of Gl's found a crate.
Copy !req
208. lnside was 600 pounds
of prime Texas steer.
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209. At least, it once was prime.
Copy !req
210. The use date
was three weeks past.
Copy !req
211. But I was arrogant. I was brash.
Copy !req
212. I thought if I used
just the right spices...
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213. cooked it long enough...
Copy !req
214. What happened?
Copy !req
215. I went too far. I overseasoned it.
Copy !req
216. Men were keeling over
all around me.
Copy !req
217. I can still hear
the retching and screaming.
Copy !req
218. Frank!
Copy !req
219. I sent 16 of my own men
to the latrines that night.
Copy !req
220. They were just boys.
Copy !req
221. Frank, you were a boy too.
Copy !req
222. And it was war.
That was a crazy time for everyone.
Copy !req
223. Tell that to Bobby Colby.
Copy !req
224. All that kid wanted to do was go home.
Well, he went home, all right.
Copy !req
225. With a crater in his colon
the size of a cutlet.
Copy !req
226. They had to sit him on a cork
for the 18-hour flight home.
Copy !req
227. Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred
Jewish singles need you.
Copy !req
228. This is your chance
to make it all right again.
Copy !req
229. No. No. I'll never cook again.
Copy !req
230. Never! Now get out of my house!
Copy !req
231. Out. Get out. Go.
Copy !req
232. So you saw Bania's act.
Copy !req
233. He got two minutes
into that Ovaltine thing...
Copy !req
234. and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Copy !req
235. I told you. It's like getting beaten
with a bag of oranges.
Copy !req
236. Why is he so obsessed
with Ovaltine?
Copy !req
237. He just thinks that anything
that dissolves in milk is funny.
Copy !req
238. Anyway, Cynthia and I got into
this big argument afterwards...
Copy !req
239. - ... and I think it's over.
- No more mentor?
Copy !req
240. - Looks that way.
- At least you and I are okay again.
Copy !req
241. Actually, I was kind of thinking...
Copy !req
242. that maybe we shouldn't
see each other for a while.
Copy !req
243. Why?
Copy !req
244. Well, I'm feeling a little disoriented.
Copy !req
245. It's just weird for me
not to have an advisor.
Copy !req
246. I can tell you what to do.
Copy !req
247. - It's more than that.
- I can tell you what to think.
Copy !req
248. I need someone I can trust.
Copy !req
249. I got a big problem here, Jerry.
The tapes are worthless.
Copy !req
250. Kind of in the middle
of something here, George.
Copy !req
251. - George.
- I gotta run anyway.
Copy !req
252. I can't believe you feel
you really need a mentor.
Copy !req
253. I just need someone who can give me
some kind of direction.
Copy !req
254. I'll see you.
Copy !req
255. Yeah, see you.
Copy !req
256. - So, what's your problem?
- No problem.
Copy !req
257. I think I got something here
for the Bengalese galoshes.
Copy !req
258. " It's tough keeping your feet dry...
Copy !req
259. when you're kicking in a skull."
Copy !req
260. You know, Eddie,
that might be just a tad harsh.
Copy !req
261. For women's wear.
Copy !req
262. Well, I'm not married to it.
Copy !req
263. Well, in that case,
why don't we take the phrase:
Copy !req
264. " Kicking in a skull" ...
Copy !req
265. and we tweak it.
Copy !req
266. You know, just a hair,
to something like what?
Copy !req
267. Like "strolling through
a dewy meadow."
Copy !req
268. Dewy meadow.
Copy !req
269. Here's your omelette.
Copy !req
270. - It's dry.
- That's the way I always make it.
Copy !req
271. Well, it sucks.
Copy !req
272. What did you say?
Copy !req
273. Your meatloaf is mushy,
your salmon croquettes are oily...
Copy !req
274. and your eggplant parmigiana
is a disgrace to this house!
Copy !req
275. Well, that's too bad, because I'm
the only one who cooks around here.
Copy !req
276. Not anymore. Give me that spatula.
Copy !req
277. I'm back, baby!
Copy !req
278. You're sure, with your schedule,
you'd have time for a protégé?
Copy !req
279. I'll make time. Because, Abby,
I was once like you.
Copy !req
280. Wide-eyed, naive.
Copy !req
281. I didn't know the first thing
about a subject as fundamental...
Copy !req
282. as risk management.
Copy !req
283. I'm not familiar with it.
You'll have to explain.
Copy !req
284. I'll tell you what.
Copy !req
285. Why don't you read this book...
Copy !req
286. and let's just see
if you can explain it to me.
Copy !req
287. - All right.
- Okay.
Copy !req
288. Hey, Jerry.
Copy !req
289. - Hey, Bania.
- Did you hear what happened?
Copy !req
290. The mentor saw my act.
She dumped me.
Copy !req
291. Oh, that's a tough one.
Copy !req
292. Maybe she's right.
Maybe I am a complete hack.
Copy !req
293. I'm the absolute worst.
The worst, Jerry.
Copy !req
294. Well, it's just that you got
so many things with the milk.
Copy !req
295. You got that Bosco bit,
you got your Nestlé's Quik bit.
Copy !req
296. By the time you get to Ovaltine—
Copy !req
297. You think you can give me
a hand with my material?
Copy !req
298. - You still need a cook?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in, Frank.
Copy !req
299. - You got T-Fal?
- Calphalon.
Copy !req
300. - No. Follow me.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
301. Try that.
Copy !req
302. "Why do they call it Ovaltine?
Copy !req
303. The mug is round, the jar is round.
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304. They should call it Roundtine."
Copy !req
305. That's gold, Jerry. Gold.
Copy !req
306. Let's just replace " hail of shrapnel"
and "scar tissue" ...
Copy !req
307. with "string of pearls"
and " raspberry scones."
Copy !req
308. George Costanza is your mentor?
Copy !req
309. Yeah. He's great.
Copy !req
310. I am learning so much.
Copy !req
311. About what? How to calculate
5 percent of a restaurant check?
Copy !req
312. You know what your problem is?
Copy !req
313. You just have no respect
for the protégé-mentor relationship.
Copy !req
314. As a matter of fact,
I happen to have a protégé of my own.
Copy !req
315. - Who?
- A Mr. Kenneth Bania.
Copy !req
316. Bania?
Copy !req
317. I'm gonna mentor
this kid to the top.
Copy !req
318. Well, I don't think I wanna date
a mentor whose protégé is a hack.
Copy !req
319. I don't think I wanna date a protégé
whose mentor is a Costanza.
Copy !req
320. I don't know how...
Copy !req
321. but there's some chemistry
between us.
Copy !req
322. We turned out
one hell of a catalogue.
Copy !req
323. Cool.
Copy !req
324. Hey, Ed, let me ask you something.
Copy !req
325. What's with the fatigues
and all the psychotic imagery, huh?
Copy !req
326. I don't wanna talk about it.
Copy !req
327. Come on. Don't be a baby.
Copy !req
328. I went out on a couple of dates
with this woman.
Copy !req
329. I thought she really liked me.
Copy !req
330. And then things kind of cooled off.
Copy !req
331. That's it?
Copy !req
332. Well, it's tough
meeting somebody you like...
Copy !req
333. let alone somebody Jewish.
Copy !req
334. This food is fantastic.
Copy !req
335. - Have you tried the hamantaschen?
- I can't get off the kishkes.
Copy !req
336. - Hey, Jerry.
- Bania.
Copy !req
337. I just stopped by to thank you.
Copy !req
338. That risk-management stuff
you wrote for me is killer.
Copy !req
339. Risk management?
Copy !req
340. It's gold, Jerry. Gold.
Copy !req
341. I got all these corporate gigs,
and even Cynthia took me back.
Copy !req
342. You went from the mailroom...
Copy !req
343. to director of corporate
development in two days?
Copy !req
344. - That's right.
- How much are they paying you?
Copy !req
345. I'll double it.
Copy !req
346. - These latkes are going like hotcakes.
- Where's the powdered sugar?
Copy !req
347. You know, you could take a break.
Copy !req
348. No breaks. I feel reborn.
I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.
Copy !req
349. Quitting?
Copy !req
350. I can't churn out
that pointless drivel anymore.
Copy !req
351. What—? You can't quit.
You're all I've got.
Copy !req
352. I need you.
Copy !req
353. Gross.
Copy !req
354. No!
Copy !req
355. No! Don't eat it. It's no good.
Copy !req
356. - No good. No good. No way.
- Frank, stop it.
Copy !req
357. - Stop—
- No. No. No.
Copy !req
358. Frank!
Copy !req
359. Our next speaker is George Costanza
on the subject of risk management.
Copy !req
360. "Ovaltine.
Copy !req
361. Have you ever had this stuff?
Copy !req
362. Why do they call it Ovaltine?
Copy !req
363. They should call it Roundtine.
Copy !req
364. You know what I'm talking about."
Copy !req
365. He's my protégé.
Copy !req