1. Boy, I really miss
the Bermuda Triangle.Copy !req
2. I guess there's not much action
down there these days.Copy !req
3. Oh, there's action.Copy !req
4. There's plenty of action.Copy !req
5. It's that damn alien autopsy
stealing all the headlines.Copy !req
6. Yeah, tell me about it.Copy !req
7. See, what they gotta do is lose
a plane or a Greenpeace boat.Copy !req
8. See, that would get
the Triangle going again.Copy !req
9. What keeps the water in there?
I mean, why doesn't that disappear?Copy !req
10. Now, what would be the point
of taking the water?Copy !req
11. It's gorgeous water.Copy !req
12. Do we own Bermuda?Copy !req
13. No, it belongs to the British.Copy !req
14. Lucky Krauts.Copy !req
15. What do you think
of that alien autopsy?Copy !req
16. - Oh, that's real.
- I think so too.Copy !req
17. The doctor will be
with you in a moment.Copy !req
18. "Difficult"?Copy !req
19. Elaine, you shouldn't
be reading that.Copy !req
20. Now, tell me
about this rash of yours.Copy !req
21. Well, it's... It's...Copy !req
22. You know, I notice
that someone wrote in my chart...Copy !req
23. that I was difficult
in January of '92.Copy !req
24. And I have to tell you,
I remember that appointment exactly.Copy !req
25. You see, this nurse
had asked me to put a gown on...Copy !req
26. but it was a mole on my shoulder...Copy !req
27. and actually I had specifically
worn a tank top...Copy !req
28. so that I wouldn't
have to put a gown on.Copy !req
29. You know, they're made of paper.Copy !req
30. Well, that was a long time ago.Copy !req
31. How about if I just erase it?Copy !req
32. Now, about that rash?Copy !req
33. But it was in pen.Copy !req
34. You fake erased.Copy !req
35. All right, Miss Benes.
This doesn't look too serious.Copy !req
36. You should be fine.Copy !req
37. What are you writing?Copy !req
38. Doctor?Copy !req
39. - Here you go.
- Thanks.Copy !req
40. I hope you got that
mustard stain out of your shirt.Copy !req
41. Jerry, what's the matter
with your stereo?Copy !req
42. I don't know.
What's the matter with your stereo?Copy !req
43. I traded it to Lomez for some steaks.Copy !req
44. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
45. - Now, see, this is busted.
- No, it works.Copy !req
46. - It's busted.
- Watch out. Let me show you.Copy !req
47. All you gotta do is... You gotta
jiggle it with this screwdriver.Copy !req
48. Smile.Copy !req
49. - What are you doing?
- I met this woman Sheila.Copy !req
50. She works down at the one-hour
photo place.Copy !req
51. She's got this incredible smile.
It's like she's got too many teeth.Copy !req
52. Extra teeth. I love that look.Copy !req
53. And check this out. I go to pick up
my pictures and she says:Copy !req
54. "l hope you got that mustard stain
out of your shirt."Copy !req
55. - What mustard stain?
- Don't you see?Copy !req
56. She's looking at my pictures.Copy !req
57. Why did you take a picture
of a mustard stain?Copy !req
58. - It's got nothing to do with this.
- I see, she's looking.Copy !req
59. Yes.Copy !req
60. You gotta get this thing fixed.Copy !req
61. They've tried.
It keeps coming back the same.Copy !req
62. - You interested in a refund?
- I can't get a refund.Copy !req
63. - The warranty expired two years ago.
- Would you be interested?Copy !req
64. - How you gonna...?
- Would you?Copy !req
65. - I guess I would.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
66. You are not gonna believe...Copy !req
67. what happened to me
at the doctor's office today.Copy !req
68. Not the gown again?Copy !req
69. No. No. I was looking at my chart,
and it said that I was difficult.Copy !req
70. Why would they write that?Copy !req
71. They've gotten to know you.Copy !req
72. And then the doctor
writes more stuff down there...Copy !req
73. and he doesn't
even look at my rash.Copy !req
74. Find one that doesn't
know you're difficult.Copy !req
75. Come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.Copy !req
76. Why? Because you dress casual
and sleep with a lot of guys?Copy !req
77. - Listen to me, you little sh...
- Smile.Copy !req
78. Elaine, you really
didn't have to put on the gown.Copy !req
79. It's my pleasure. I love these.Copy !req
80. You know, in fact,
I've got one at home.Copy !req
81. It's perfect when you
just wanna throw something on.Copy !req
82. - Hi.
- Thank you.Copy !req
83. All right.Copy !req
84. Let me just review your history
before we begin.Copy !req
85. Oh, where did you get my chart?Copy !req
86. From your last doctor.
It's standard procedure.Copy !req
87. You know, I can tell you my
whole history. Let's just...Copy !req
88. Okay. Let's take a look.Copy !req
89. Well, that doesn't look too serious.
You'll be fine.Copy !req
90. Please, please. It...
But it's really, really itchy.Copy !req
91. Oh, no.Copy !req
92. - Seinfeld?
- Yeah.Copy !req
93. Got a package for you. Sign here.Copy !req
94. - Oh, who's it from?
- No return address.Copy !req
95. What if I don't want it?Copy !req
96. Are you refusing delivery?Copy !req
97. - Maybe I am.
- Why would you do that?Copy !req
98. - Never done it before.
- Why start now?Copy !req
99. Why not?Copy !req
100. All right.Copy !req
101. Why'd you refuse that?
Everybody loves a package.Copy !req
102. I don't know. It was weird.Copy !req
103. Crazy printing.
I don't know who from.Copy !req
104. What do you think? It's a bomb?Copy !req
105. It's not totally impossible.Copy !req
106. The ego on you.Copy !req
107. - Why can't I be bomb-able?
- Who's gonna bomb you?Copy !req
108. An airline for all the stupid
little peanut jokes?Copy !req
109. Oh, I suppose you think
you're bomb-able?Copy !req
110. Couple people wouldn't mind
having me out of the way.Copy !req
111. There's more than a couple.Copy !req
112. Check these out.
I just picked them up from Sheila.Copy !req
113. She must have loved these.Copy !req
114. - You don't have a Mercedes.
- I know. Just leaned on it...Copy !req
115. so it'd look like it was mine.Copy !req
116. The driver seems a little put out.Copy !req
117. No, he was fine with it.Copy !req
118. Check this out.Copy !req
119. Is that Burt Reynolds?Copy !req
120. Wax Museum.Copy !req
121. - What is this?
- That is a lot of skin.Copy !req
122. This must be Sheila
from the photo place.Copy !req
123. - You can barely see her face.
- She must have slipped it in here.Copy !req
124. - Photo-store Sheila.
- Well, hello, photo-store Sheila.Copy !req
125. All right. I will see you boys later.Copy !req
126. - Where are you going?
- To ask her out.Copy !req
127. - No, no. You're not playing the game.
- What game?Copy !req
128. She goes to these lengths
to entice you...Copy !req
129. and your only response is,
"Gee, I really like your picture.Copy !req
130. Would you like to go out
on a date with me, please?"Copy !req
131. - No good?
- It's the timeless art of seduction.Copy !req
132. You gotta join in the dance.
She sends you an enticing photo...Copy !req
133. - you send her one right back.
- Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
134. Well, as you know, I've always
been something of a photog.Copy !req
135. Oh, yeah, I like this idea.Copy !req
136. Hey, Danny.Copy !req
137. - Hello. How are you?
- Hey, Leo.Copy !req
138. Hey, what's with your nephew?
He wouldn't accept the package.Copy !req
139. Oh, he wants it.
He's just trying to be funny.Copy !req
140. Yeah, I'll sign for it.Copy !req
141. And then he started
writing on my chart.Copy !req
142. Just get ahold of it
and change what you don't like.Copy !req
143. You can't change your chart.
It's your chart.Copy !req
144. I'm in my personnel file
at work all the time.Copy !req
145. - You are?
- I've kept the same job over two years.Copy !req
146. It's not luck.Copy !req
147. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy
photograph of yourself to anyone?Copy !req
148. Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know.Copy !req
149. You remember my Christmas card?Copy !req
150. Oh, right.Copy !req
151. The nipple.Copy !req
152. But aside from that,
how did you feel about Kramer's work?Copy !req
153. Actually, I thought
he was very professional.Copy !req
154. - It was a good experience?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
155. I liked the picture so much
I cropped out the nipple...Copy !req
156. and I'm using it
for my health-club lD.Copy !req
157. - Nice.
- Yeah, it is nice actually.Copy !req
158. Please, I've gotta see
Dr. Berg right away.Copy !req
159. - This rash is spreading.
- He can't see you. He's busy.Copy !req
160. Oh, come on.
Have some compassion.Copy !req
161. Well, I hope it's contagious then.Copy !req
162. Come on. Move.Copy !req
163. Oh, hi, Dr. Berg.Copy !req
164. - I didn't know if...
- The chart, Miss Benes.Copy !req
165. Oh, please, no more.Copy !req
166. - Hey.
- Where's Kramer?Copy !req
167. He went to get
some steak sauce. Why?Copy !req
168. Personal matter.Copy !req
169. - Hello.
- Jerry, it's your Uncle Leo. Hello.Copy !req
170. Hello, Leo. You don't have to yell.Copy !req
171. I got your package.Copy !req
172. - How did you get my package?
- Leo's got your package?Copy !req
173. - What should I do with it?
- I don't know what you should do.Copy !req
174. Tell him to open it.Copy !req
175. I'm not gonna treat my uncle
like a bomb-defusing robot.Copy !req
176. Jerry, your cousin Jeffrey...Copy !req
177. is in a Parks Department
production of The Mikado.Copy !req
178. I want you to come see it with me.Copy !req
179. - Open the package, Leo.
- Okay.Copy !req
180. Opening.Copy !req
181. So it wasn't a bomb?Copy !req
182. No. No bomb.Copy !req
183. - Well, then, what?
- Oh, stupid Leo.Copy !req
184. He was using those oven cleaners.
He left the canister in there.Copy !req
185. The pilot light was on.
The whole thing blew up.Copy !req
186. - But he's okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
187. But the explosion singed off
his eyebrows, mustache, everything.Copy !req
188. He's all smooth now.
Looks like a seal.Copy !req
189. Yes. Hi, yeah, I'm still holding.Copy !req
190. Is this my stereo?Copy !req
191. Oh, hey, you got it.Copy !req
192. Hey, what happened to my stereo?
It's all smashed up.Copy !req
193. That's right. Now it looks
like it was broken during shipping...Copy !req
194. and I insured it for $400.Copy !req
195. But you were supposed to
get me a refund.Copy !req
196. You can't get a refund.
Your warranty expired two years ago.Copy !req
197. So we're gonna make the post office
pay for my new stereo now?Copy !req
198. - It's a write-off for them.
- How is it a write-off?Copy !req
199. They just write it off.Copy !req
200. Write it off what?Copy !req
201. Jerry, all these big companies,
they write off everything.Copy !req
202. You don't even know
what a write-off is.Copy !req
203. - Do you?
- No, I don't.Copy !req
204. But they do.Copy !req
205. And they're the ones writing it off.Copy !req
206. I wish I had the last 20 seconds
of my life back.Copy !req
207. What? What? He doesn't have
one appointment this whole month?Copy !req
208. Oh, come on. I'm dying here, man.Copy !req
209. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
210. Still no luck?Copy !req
211. Jerry, that was Dr. Zimmerman.
I'm at the end of the alphabet.Copy !req
212. There's no Zorn or Zutroff?Copy !req
213. They're on vacation. Every doctor
in this city seems to know who I am.Copy !req
214. Hey, what about Dr. Resnick?Copy !req
215. My Uncle Leo's
gonna see him tomorrow.Copy !req
216. Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.Copy !req
217. He's not that good.Copy !req
218. Elaine said you were
pretty good at this stuff.Copy !req
219. Oh, yeah. Elaine was a fun project.
I enjoyed working with her.Copy !req
220. - You don't have your own camera?
- No.Copy !req
221. Oh, boy, look at this.Copy !req
222. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
223. This looks good.Copy !req
224. Very, very, good.Copy !req
225. And I like what you're wearing.Copy !req
226. - I feel fat.
- No, no. You're stout.Copy !req
227. The camera loves stoutness.Copy !req
228. Look, we're not gonna do anything
that makes you feel uncomfortable.Copy !req
229. The key word is "tasteful."Copy !req
230. Now, I want to you relax and have fun
because you're a fun guy.Copy !req
231. All right. Let's do it, huh?Copy !req
232. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
233. Okay. Come on. Feel the beat.Copy !req
234. Feel the beat. All right.Copy !req
235. You know, you got real strong pecs,
but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.Copy !req
236. - You want me to take it off?
- Well, I don't know. It's up to you.Copy !req
237. - It would be better if I did?
- Might be. Whatever you want.Copy !req
238. - All right. Come on.
- Yeah.Copy !req
239. That's it. Come on, George.
That's it. Come on. Give it to me.Copy !req
240. Come on. Work it.
Work it. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
241. Hold it. Hold it.
Yeah, be a man. Be a man.Copy !req
242. Lover boy. You are a lover boy.Copy !req
243. Oh, yeah. This can't miss.Copy !req
244. Hello?Copy !req
245. Is this Elaine Marie Benes?Copy !req
246. Yeah. Who's this?Copy !req
247. We're with the American Medical
Association, the AMA.Copy !req
248. Can you confirm the correct spelling
of your last name?Copy !req
249. Is it B-E-N-E-S?Copy !req
250. Yeah. What is this about?Copy !req
251. Goodbye.Copy !req
252. Hello?Copy !req
253. - Hello?
- What?Copy !req
254. Get off the line.
We're trying to make another call.Copy !req
255. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
256. Elaine. Hello.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
257. - Leo, has the doctor been in yet?
- No, I'll ask him about my eyebrows.Copy !req
258. Okay. Listen, Leo.
You're hairless, you're scared.Copy !req
259. When the doctor comes in, you just
let me do the talking, okay? Okay.Copy !req
260. Leo. I understand
you had a little mishap.Copy !req
261. It was a fireball.Copy !req
262. I never should have left him alone.Copy !req
263. - And who are you?
- I'm his nurse. Paloma.Copy !req
264. You're not my nurse.Copy !req
265. He has good days and bad.Copy !req
266. Well, what seems to be the problem?Copy !req
267. - Are my eyebrows gonna grow back?
- And he seems to have a bit of a rash.Copy !req
268. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
269. Well, there's been a bit of that
going around lately.Copy !req
270. Will you excuse me
a minute, Paloma?Copy !req
271. I'm just going to get some ointment.Copy !req
272. I don't like this. This is too easy.Copy !req
273. - Elaine...
- Shut up. I think he's onto us.Copy !req
274. Elaine, what about my eyebrows?Copy !req
275. Here. Here.Copy !req
276. I don't like this, Kramer.Copy !req
277. Will it be much longer?Copy !req
278. I'm sorry. It looks like the claim
has been red-flagged.Copy !req
279. You're under investigation.Copy !req
280. - Investigation?
- Hello, Jerry.Copy !req
281. Hello, Newman.Copy !req
282. Kramer, you might as well
run along.Copy !req
283. Jerry may be a while.Copy !req
284. Suspicion of mail fraud.Copy !req
285. Mail fraud?Copy !req
286. You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.Copy !req
287. Okay, I've got your ointment.
Where's your...Copy !req
288. - Where's your nurse?
- She left.Copy !req
289. Whoa, whoa, no need to get angry.Copy !req
290. - Calm down.
- I am calm.Copy !req
291. Leo, I don't care for your demeanor.Copy !req
292. Demeanor?Copy !req
293. Well, now you're just being difficult.Copy !req
294. What are you writing?Copy !req
295. So I really liked the pictures
I picked up here yesterday.Copy !req
296. I'm glad, George.Copy !req
297. And here's a little roll...Copy !req
298. that I think you may enjoy.Copy !req
299. Great.Copy !req
300. Shall we say an hour?Copy !req
301. Ron, I gotta go to lunch.
Could you do a roll?Copy !req
302. No problem.Copy !req
303. By the way, you know that model
who's always in here?Copy !req
304. She's missing
one of her lingerie shots.Copy !req
305. - Have you seen it?
- No.Copy !req
306. All right. All right.Copy !req
307. Then let me ask you this:Copy !req
308. Don't you find it interesting
that your friend had the foresight...Copy !req
309. to purchase postal insurance
for your stereo? Huh?Copy !req
310. I mean, parcels are rarely
damaged during shipping.Copy !req
311. - Define "rarely."
- Frequently.Copy !req
312. Are we about
through here, Newman?Copy !req
313. It's pretty hot
under these lights, huh, Seinfeld?Copy !req
314. Pretty hot.Copy !req
315. Actually, I'm quite comfortable.Copy !req
316. - Can I have a sip?
- No.Copy !req
317. Not gonna play ball, huh?Copy !req
318. All right. Admit it.Copy !req
319. That stereo was already busted.Copy !req
320. You can't prove anything.Copy !req
321. Is this or is this not your signature?Copy !req
322. No, as a matter of fact, it isn't.Copy !req
323. "Uncle Leo"?Copy !req
324. This case is closed
pending further evidence.Copy !req
325. Jerry!Copy !req
326. Get in there, get the chart,
and get out. You got it?Copy !req
327. No problem.
Listen, let me borrow your scarf.Copy !req
328. - What? This?
- Yeah. It's nice. Yeah.Copy !req
329. - Here.
- Yeah. All right.Copy !req
330. - One chart coming up.
- Okay.Copy !req
331. It's Bennett, right?Copy !req
332. It's Benes, you jackass.Copy !req
333. My last name is Benes.Copy !req
334. Yeah.Copy !req
335. Jerry. Jerry.Copy !req
336. Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.Copy !req
337. Jerry. Jerry?Copy !req
338. Jerry.Copy !req
339. So I like what you've done there.Copy !req
340. - May I help you?
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
341. I'm Dr. Van Nostrund
from the clinic.Copy !req
342. I'm gonna need Elaine Benes' chart.Copy !req
343. She's a patient of mine...Copy !req
344. and I don't think
she's gonna make it. It's very bad.Copy !req
345. Very, very messy.Copy !req
346. I see. And what clinic is that again?Copy !req
347. That's correct.Copy !req
348. - Excuse me?
- From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic...Copy !req
349. - in Belgium.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
350. The Netherlands?Copy !req
351. - Where's my chart? Did you get it?
- No.Copy !req
352. - What? What happened?
- I don't know.Copy !req
353. Now they got a chart on me.Copy !req
354. I don't know where they could be.Copy !req
355. You can't find them.Copy !req
356. That's marvelous.Copy !req
357. The dance continues.Copy !req
358. Well, if I find them I'll call you.Copy !req
359. Great. And maybe we could
go out and do something.Copy !req
360. Sure.Copy !req
361. Hello.Copy !req
362. Hi.Copy !req
363. - So the little guy finally asked me out.
- Really?Copy !req
364. Hey, I can't find
his photos anywhere.Copy !req
365. You know what? Some guy from
the post office confiscated them.Copy !req
366. He left his card.Copy !req
367. I don't know what Newman
wanted to see me for.Copy !req
368. Gentlemen. Gentlemen.Copy !req
369. I'm so happy to see you both.Copy !req
370. There's just some inconsistencies
I'd like to straighten out.Copy !req
371. - I'm clean, Newman, and you know it.
- Clean? Hardly.Copy !req
372. This doesn't look like a man...Copy !req
373. who's happy with his stereo
performance, now, does it?Copy !req
374. - Where did you get that?
- That's one of mine.Copy !req
375. Looks like you're breaking into it
like an otter cracks open a clam.Copy !req
376. I don't know about that,
but there's an explanation.Copy !req
377. Yes. It's called "mail fraud."Copy !req
378. How I've longed
for this moment, Seinfeld.Copy !req
379. The day when I would have
the proof I needed...Copy !req
380. to haul you out of your cushy lair...Copy !req
381. and expose you to the light of justice
as the monster that you are.Copy !req
382. - A monster so vile...
- Newman!Copy !req
383. There'll be a small fine.Copy !req
384. Okay.Copy !req
385. - Can we go now?
- Not so fast, pretty boy.Copy !req
386. There's more to this
sordid little affair.Copy !req
387. Oh, my God.Copy !req
388. This photo clearly indicates
your involvement...Copy !req
389. in some ill-conceived
mail-order pornography ring.Copy !req
390. As does this one,
found in the same disturbing packet.Copy !req
391. Oh, my God!Copy !req
392. We have a few questions
we'd like you to answer.Copy !req
393. I have a few questions of my own.Copy !req
394. Hi. One of your mailmen...Copy !req
395. Oh, my God. George.Copy !req
396. Well, Sheila, it's not what you think.Copy !req
397. I put my trust in the wrong person.Copy !req
398. He said the key word was "tasteful."Copy !req
399. The timeless art of seduction.Copy !req
400. Oh, gee.Copy !req
401. That wasn't such a long drive.Copy !req
402. The dirt road really hurt my back.Copy !req
403. Okay, please,
everybody just stop complaining.Copy !req
404. Smile. We're good patients.Copy !req
405. Okay, Miss Benes,
you wanna come on back?Copy !req
406. - Oh, I'd love to.
- Oh, just a second.Copy !req
407. - Okay.
- Hello.Copy !req
408. Yes.Copy !req
409. Well, as a matter of fact,
they're here right now.Copy !req
410. I understand.Copy !req