1. Hang on,
let me just pick up a paper.Copy !req
2. Excuse me. Would you mind...Copy !req
3. - watching my bag for a minute?
- Yeah, no problem.Copy !req
4. - Let's go.
- Well, I gotta watch this guy's bag.Copy !req
5. - For how long?
- I'm sure he'll be back in a second.Copy !req
6. - Nice stuff.
- Come on.Copy !req
7. Excuse me, sir. Would you mind
watching my bag for a second?Copy !req
8. Why? So I can stand here
like an idiot...Copy !req
9. not knowing
if you'll ever come back?Copy !req
10. - Where are you going?
- I'm gonna be this guy's friend.Copy !req
11. - New clothes?
- Yeah, I did some shopping.Copy !req
12. Some new-clothes shopping.Copy !req
13. Can I borrow your menu?Copy !req
14. Strange, for new pants
there's noticeable wear...Copy !req
15. on the buttocks of those chinos.Copy !req
16. Wait, those are the clothes
from the bag.Copy !req
17. The guy never came back.Copy !req
18. He asked you to watch them,
not wear them.Copy !req
19. I'm still watching them.Copy !req
20. - You look like a tourist.
- All right. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
21. When do you start to worry
about ear hair?Copy !req
22. When you hear, like, a soft rustling.Copy !req
23. Puberty that never stops.Copy !req
24. Ear puberty, nose puberty,
knuckle puberty.Copy !req
25. You gotta be vigilant.Copy !req
26. All right. Let me ask you this:Copy !req
27. You know
where Walker Street is downtown?Copy !req
28. - I got a league meeting there.
- Oh, right, the new job.Copy !req
29. - Yeah.
- How is it?Copy !req
30. I love it. New office, new salary.
I'm the new Wilhelm.Copy !req
31. So who's the new you?Copy !req
32. They got an intern
from Francis Lewis High.Copy !req
33. His name is Keith.
He comes in Mondays after school.Copy !req
34. - Hi, Alex.
- I'm sorry I'm late.Copy !req
35. - Have you ordered yet?
- No.Copy !req
36. I'll be right back.Copy !req
37. Where are you meeting these women?
When they get off the bus...Copy !req
38. - at the Port Authority?
- Right here, George. In here.Copy !req
39. Try opening this up. You'll find
the biggest dating scene in the world.Copy !req
40. Thanks. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
41. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
42. - Hi.
- Where's Jerry?Copy !req
43. Well, he's in the shower.Copy !req
44. - You want me to get him?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
45. Actually,
I kind of need to speak to you.Copy !req
46. Oh, well, let's sit down.Copy !req
47. Kramer, remember that whole deal
with you selling Peterman...Copy !req
48. your stories for his book,
and then he gave them back to you?Copy !req
49. Vaguely.Copy !req
50. Well, I was kind of
short on material...Copy !req
51. and I put them
in the book anyway.Copy !req
52. You put my life stories
in his autobiography?Copy !req
53. Kramer, listen,
it is such a stupid book.Copy !req
54. - It doesn't matter.
- No, no. Sure it matters.Copy !req
55. I've broken through, huh?Copy !req
56. I'm part of popular culture now.
Listen, I'd like to thank Mr. Peterman.Copy !req
57. He's doing a book signing
at Waldenbooks this afternoon.Copy !req
58. Waldenbooks.
That's a major chain, huh?Copy !req
59. Hey, Jerry,
I'm going to Waldenbooks.Copy !req
60. Oh, get out! Get out!
I don't wanna live like this!Copy !req
61. All right, let's go.Copy !req
62. - Mr. Lippman, how are you?
- How are you?Copy !req
63. - Well, I'm not bad. Not bad.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
64. I work for Pendant Publishing.
This is our book.Copy !req
65. If you can call it that.Copy !req
66. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star
has his own book out now?Copy !req
67. Hey, buddy. Remember me?Copy !req
68. You're that gangly fellow
we bought the stories from.Copy !req
69. Yeah, I'm just here to do my part.
What's your name, darling?Copy !req
70. - Who are you?
- Oh, I'm...Copy !req
71. Let me use your pen, will you?Copy !req
72. I'm the real Peterman.Copy !req
73. All right, playtime's over.Copy !req
74. Relax, man.Copy !req
75. There's enough juice here
to keep us all fat and giggly.Copy !req
76. I can't believe somebody
pulled the top off this muffin.Copy !req
77. That was me. I'm sorry, I...Copy !req
78. I don't like the stumps.Copy !req
79. - So you just eat the tops?
- Oh, yeah, it's the best part.Copy !req
80. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's...Copy !req
81. It's where the muffin
breaks free of the pan...Copy !req
82. and sort of does its own thing.Copy !req
83. I'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea
right there. Just sell the tops.Copy !req
84. Okay. Let's go, slim. That's enough.Copy !req
85. - I have a right to be here.
- Come on.Copy !req
86. These are my fans.
Hey, you're hurting my elbow.Copy !req
87. Try looking up, hayseed.Copy !req
88. You wanna sightsee, get on a bus.Copy !req
89. Please don't think
all New Yorkers are so rude.Copy !req
90. - Well, no, actually I'm...
- I'm Mary Anne.Copy !req
91. I work for the New York
Visitors Center.Copy !req
92. Where are you visiting from?Copy !req
93. Little Rock, Arkansas.Copy !req
94. That looks new.Copy !req
95. So get this:
Peterman has his henchmen...Copy !req
96. forcefully eject me
from the book signing.Copy !req
97. Like I'm some sort of maniac.Copy !req
98. - Yeah, that's too bad.
- What's the matter with you?Copy !req
99. - Nothing.
- No, no, no, don't give me that.Copy !req
100. I know you. Something's wrong.
What is it? What happened?Copy !req
101. - I did something stupid.
- What did you do?Copy !req
102. - Well, I was shaving...
- Yeah.Copy !req
103. and I noticed an asymmetry
in my chest hair.Copy !req
104. And I was trying to even it out.
And the next thing I knew:Copy !req
105. Gone.Copy !req
106. Don't you know you're not supposed
to poke around down there?Copy !req
107. - Well, women do it.
- "Well, women do it."Copy !req
108. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up
a sundress and a parasol...Copy !req
109. and you can just sashay your pretty
little self around the town square.Copy !req
110. - Well, what am I gonna tell Alex?
- Now, you listen to me.Copy !req
111. You don't tell anybody about this.
No one. You hear me?Copy !req
112. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
113. - Jerry shaved his chest.
- Hey!Copy !req
114. I forgot. Wait, never mind.Copy !req
115. You couldn't pay me enough
to ride a horse in this city.Copy !req
116. I mean, it's hard enough to cross
the street in a pair of sneakers...Copy !req
117. let alone six feet in the air
on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur.Copy !req
118. How about the beach this weekend?Copy !req
119. Well, you couldn't pay me enough
to go to the beach on a weekend.Copy !req
120. - I mean, it's hard enough to park...
- All right, all right.Copy !req
121. Is that a Mexican Hairless?
I love those.Copy !req
122. Oh, hairless. This is where it's at.
It's so much smoother and cleaner.Copy !req
123. Really?Copy !req
124. Excuse me.
Are you eating a muffin top?Copy !req
125. Yeah, a muffin-top store
just opened up down the street.Copy !req
126. - A muffin-top store?
- What did I just say?Copy !req
127. Top of the muffin to you.Copy !req
128. Elaine.Copy !req
129. Mr. Lippman?Copy !req
130. So you're pretending to be a tourist?Copy !req
131. It's beautiful.Copy !req
132. She makes all the plans.Copy !req
133. I'm not from around here,
so it's okay if I'm stupid.Copy !req
134. And she knows
I'm only in town visiting...Copy !req
135. so there's no messy breakups.Copy !req
136. - How do you explain your apartment?
- I got a hotel room.Copy !req
137. You moved into a hotel?Copy !req
138. Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry.
Where else am I gonna stay?Copy !req
139. So get this: We're in the park today.
Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.Copy !req
140. - So?
- So I figured...Copy !req
141. since she likes one hairless animal,
why not another?Copy !req
142. - Oh, really?
- Yes.Copy !req
143. - You tell her you shaved it?
- Are you nuts?Copy !req
144. I don't want her to think
I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys...Copy !req
145. who shaves his chest.Copy !req
146. Hey, Jerry!Copy !req
147. I'm starting a Peterman
Reality Bus Tour. Check it out.Copy !req
148. Reality tour?Copy !req
149. The last thing this guy is qualified
to give a tour of is reality.Copy !req
150. This was my idea.
You stole my idea.Copy !req
151. Elaine, these ideas are all in the air.
They're in the air.Copy !req
152. Oh, well, then, if that air
is coming out of this face...Copy !req
153. then it is my air and my idea.Copy !req
154. - You want a muffin or not?
- Peach.Copy !req
155. So I've noticed you don't have
much of an accent.Copy !req
156. Yeah, my parents have it.
Sometimes it skips a generation.Copy !req
157. So I was thinking maybe tonight
we could go back to my hotel.Copy !req
158. I got SpectraVision.Copy !req
159. First five minutes free.Copy !req
160. Look, George...Copy !req
161. I'm really enjoying
spending time with you...Copy !req
162. but I'm not sure
this is gonna work out.Copy !req
163. At some point you're going back
to your job at Tyler Chicken...Copy !req
164. and your three-legged dog, Willy.Copy !req
165. And I'm still gonna be here.Copy !req
166. Well, what if I told you
I'm thinking of moving here?Copy !req
167. George, no offense,
but this city would eat you alive.Copy !req
168. You're moving to New York?
That's fantastic.Copy !req
169. I can see you all the time now.Copy !req
170. Eat me alive, huh?
We'll see who can make it in this town.Copy !req
171. - What is it she thinks you can't do?
- Find a job, get an apartment.Copy !req
172. How did you do those things?Copy !req
173. Never mind, they're done.
All I have to do now is redo them.Copy !req
174. You know, if you take everything
I've accomplished in my entire life...Copy !req
175. and condense it down into one day,
it looks decent.Copy !req
176. Hey, what were you doing
with that bus yesterday?Copy !req
177. Here you go. Here you go.
Check it out.Copy !req
178. "The Real Peterman
Reality Bus Tour."Copy !req
179. - I'm confused.
- That Peterman book is big business.Copy !req
180. People wanna know
the stories behind the stories.Copy !req
181. Nobody wants to go
on a three-hour bus tour...Copy !req
182. of a totally unknown person's life.Copy !req
183. I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get
a pizza bagel and dessert.Copy !req
184. - What's dessert?
- Bite-size 3 Musketeers.Copy !req
185. Just like the real Peterman eats.Copy !req
186. - He eats those?
- No, I eat those.Copy !req
187. I'm the real Peterman.Copy !req
188. - I don't...
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
189. I think I understand this.Copy !req
190. J. Peterman is real.
His biography is not.Copy !req
191. Now, you, Kramer, are real.Copy !req
192. - Talk to me.
- But your life is Peterman's.Copy !req
193. Now, the bus tour, which is real...Copy !req
194. takes you to places that,
while they are real...Copy !req
195. they are not real in the sense
that they did not really happen...Copy !req
196. to the real Peterman, which is you.Copy !req
197. - Understand?
- Yeah, it's 37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.Copy !req
198. Elaine, I'm in over my head.
Nobody likes my muffin tops.Copy !req
199. So? What do you want
me to do about it?Copy !req
200. You're the muffin-top expert.
Tell me what I'm doing wrong.Copy !req
201. Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you
at Pendant Publishing...Copy !req
202. I believed in you, you know,
as a man of integrity.Copy !req
203. But when I saw you
in that paper hat and that apron...Copy !req
204. What if I cut you in
for 30 percent of the profits?Copy !req
205. Deal. Here's your problem:Copy !req
206. You're making just the muffin tops.Copy !req
207. - What do you mean?
- You gotta make the whole muffin.Copy !req
208. Then you...Copy !req
209. pop the top, toss the stump.Copy !req
210. Taste.Copy !req
211. - So, what do we do with the bottoms?
- Give them to a soup kitchen.Copy !req
212. - It's a good idea.
- And one more thing.Copy !req
213. Do you really think
we need the exclamation point?Copy !req
214. Because it's not,
"Top of the muffin to you!"Copy !req
215. No, no, it is.Copy !req
216. Hey, Jerry.Copy !req
217. What's this?Copy !req
218. Lady Gillette?Copy !req
219. Oh, what's going on?Copy !req
220. - Hey.
- What?Copy !req
221. - Jeez.
- Can't I get a moment's peace?Copy !req
222. - What are you doing to yourself?
- I can't stop.Copy !req
223. - Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
- What? You can't keep this up.Copy !req
224. Don't you know
what's gonna happen?Copy !req
225. Every time you shave it, it's gonna
come in thicker and fuller and darker.Copy !req
226. - Oh, that's an old wives' tale.
- Is it? Look at this.Copy !req
227. - What is...? What is that?
- Look at it! Look at it!Copy !req
228. It's all me.
I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.Copy !req
229. Oh, come on. That's genetic.
That's not gonna happen to me.Copy !req
230. Won't it?
Or has it already started to happen?Copy !req
231. Look at this, we're cleaning up.Copy !req
232. Oh, Reuben, get me another tray
of low-fat cranberry, please.Copy !req
233. Excuse me. I'm Rebecca DeMornay,
from the homeless shelter.Copy !req
234. - Oh, hi.
- Are you the ones...Copy !req
235. leaving those muffin pieces
behind our shelter?Copy !req
236. - You've been enjoying them?
- They're just stumps.Copy !req
237. - Well, they're perfectly edible.
- Oh, so you just assume...Copy !req
238. the homeless will eat them?
They'll eat anything?Copy !req
239. - No, we just thought...
- I know what you thought:Copy !req
240. "They don't have homes.
Don't have jobs.Copy !req
241. What do they need the top of a muffin
for? They're lucky to get the stumps."Copy !req
242. If the homeless don't like them,
the homeless don't have to eat them.Copy !req
243. The homeless don't like them.
We've never had so many complaints.Copy !req
244. Every two minutes:
"Where's the top of this muffin?Copy !req
245. - Who ate the rest?"
- We were just trying to help.Copy !req
246. Why don't you drop off
chicken skins and lobster shells?Copy !req
247. I think I might.Copy !req
248. I can't believe
you found something so quickly.Copy !req
249. - How much are you paying?
- Twenty-three hundred.Copy !req
250. - Ouch, a month?
- Yeah.Copy !req
251. Well, I guess that's all right for now.Copy !req
252. But if you stay here more than
a few months, you're a real sucker.Copy !req
253. Yeah, well, I... I got lots
of other stuff to show you too.Copy !req
254. Wait till you see
the plum job that I landed.Copy !req
255. Yeah, we should let this place
air out anyway.Copy !req
256. It smells like the last tenant
had monkeys or something.Copy !req
257. Coming up on the right...Copy !req
258. if you glance up, you'll just make out
my bedroom window.Copy !req
259. It's the one
that's covered in chicken wire.Copy !req
260. Hey, if you're the real Peterman...Copy !req
261. how come you're wearing
those ratty clothes?Copy !req
262. - What?
- Well, they're not very romantic.Copy !req
263. Well, that's your opinion.Copy !req
264. Can I have another 3 Musketeers?
They're rather small.Copy !req
265. Forget it.Copy !req
266. Okay, Newman's postal route
is around here somewhere.Copy !req
267. - Who's Newman?
- Who cares?Copy !req
268. Hey, fake Peterman, let me off.
I'm nauseous.Copy !req
269. Can I have his candy bar?Copy !req
270. Everyone just settle down.Copy !req
271. Okay, we got three hours left
on this thing...Copy !req
272. and I can't drive and argue
with you rubes all at the same time.Copy !req
273. Okay, Lomez's place of worship
is right on the right here.Copy !req
274. - Why do I have to go on the tour?
- Jerry, you're a minor celebrity.Copy !req
275. You know, if you go on this thing,
it could create a minor stir.Copy !req
276. You can bring that little girlfriend
of yours...Copy !req
277. and I'll only charge you 60 bucks.Copy !req
278. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
279. - How's business?
- Oh, I got stump trouble.Copy !req
280. The sanitation department
won't get rid of them all.Copy !req
281. I can't get a truck to haul this stuff
until next week.Copy !req
282. Meanwhile, I'm sitting
on a mountain of stumps.Copy !req
283. All right.Copy !req
284. I gotta hose the puke
off the floor of the bus.Copy !req
285. Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Bus? You got a bus?Copy !req
286. - Yeah. Yeah.
- You got any room on that thing?Copy !req
287. Yeah, there are a few seats
still available.Copy !req
288. Do you think you could
transport some stumps for me?Copy !req
289. I'll make it worth your while.Copy !req
290. Well, if they don't mind
sitting in the back.Copy !req
291. No, they don't.Copy !req
292. Are they war veterans?Copy !req
293. This is your office?Copy !req
294. Oh, hello. Sorry, George...Copy !req
295. didn't know you had a girl in here.
Leave a signal on the doorknob...Copy !req
296. like a necktie or a sock or something.
Come on, help me out.Copy !req
297. Mr. Steinbrenner,
I would like to thank you...Copy !req
298. for taking a chance
on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken...Copy !req
299. - like our boy George here.
- Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?Copy !req
300. Yes, very nice for her
to have met you, sir.Copy !req
301. Wait a minute, George.Copy !req
302. Be right with you.
Look, Mr. Steinbrenner...Copy !req
303. Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken.
Pretty impressive, George.Copy !req
304. Days with the New York Yankees,
nights in Arkansas...Copy !req
305. with a topflight bird outfit.
And a hen supervisor, to boot.Copy !req
306. I am blown. Blown away.Copy !req
307. Blown, George. Blown!Copy !req
308. You know,
when you make a pizza bagel...Copy !req
309. you really shouldn't
use cinnamon raisin.Copy !req
310. You also shouldn't use a doughnut.Copy !req
311. All right, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour.Copy !req
312. Turn music off.Copy !req
313. - Kramer, can we just go?
- And go we will.Copy !req
314. What is this? Pizza pound cake?Copy !req
315. Well, we have a bonus
ultra-reality stop today.Copy !req
316. We're gonna be hauling muffin stumps
to the local repository.Copy !req
317. - We're going to a garbage dump?
- And we're off.Copy !req
318. You know, I never thought he'd
be able to re-create the experience...Copy !req
319. of actually knowing him,
but this is pretty close.Copy !req
320. Don Tyler? George Steinbrenner here.
I wanna talk about George Costanza.Copy !req
321. I understand he's been
dividing his time between us and you.Copy !req
322. - I cannot have that.
- Well, I don't know who he is...Copy !req
323. but if you want him that bad,
I'm not giving up that easy.Copy !req
324. Oh, is that so? Playing a little
hardball, huh, Donny boy?Copy !req
325. How about this:
You give me Costanza.Copy !req
326. I convert your concessions
to all chicken, no charge.Copy !req
327. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs.
Instead of pretzels, chicken twists.Copy !req
328. - Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.
- How do you make...Copy !req
329. - that alcoholic chicken?
- They ferment, just like anything else.Copy !req
330. That stuff sounds great. All right,
I'll have Costanza on the next bus.Copy !req
331. Hey, hey, hey.
Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
332. - Well, I was gonna dump this.
- It doesn't look like garbage.Copy !req
333. - Well, it's muffin stumps.
- Where are the muffin tops?Copy !req
334. This is a garbage dump.Copy !req
335. - Just let me dump it.
- Can't do it.Copy !req
336. - Is this a joke?
- That's what I like to know about it.Copy !req
337. You have a pretty heavy beard,
don't you?Copy !req
338. - What's that?
- Well, look.Copy !req
339. - It's almost time for you to shave again.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
340. Well, maybe I will take it up
with Consumer Affairs!Copy !req
341. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
you're in for an additional treat.Copy !req
342. We're going to extend the tour
at no extra charge.Copy !req
343. - Where are we going?
- I don't know.Copy !req
344. No more questions.Copy !req
345. So the New York Yankees traded you
for a bunch of Tyler Chicken?Copy !req
346. Dogs, twists,
and a fermented chicken drink.Copy !req
347. Hey, aren't you the guy
I asked to watch my clothes?Copy !req
348. - What clothes?
- These clothes.Copy !req
349. The ones you're wearing.Copy !req
350. - Kramer, how much longer?
- What?Copy !req
351. My chest hair's growing back,
and it's itching me like crazy.Copy !req
352. - I can't let her see me scratch it.
- Well, don't worry.Copy !req
353. - I got a good feeling about this dump.
- I tell you, man, I'm losing it.Copy !req
354. I can't sit on this bus anymore.Copy !req
355. I think I'll go play with that dog.Copy !req
356. I don't know where the tops are.Copy !req
357. Jerry, what's the matter?Copy !req
358. That feels good.Copy !req
359. - Oh, hey, you looking for George?
- Yes.Copy !req
360. He's been in the bathroom a while.
You might wanna check on him.Copy !req
361. Jerry, you gotta bring me
some clothes here.Copy !req
362. I lost my job with the Yankees.Copy !req
363. I'm standing in a men's room
on 43rd Street in my underpants.Copy !req
364. I told you
this city would eat you alive.Copy !req
365. And I think my relationship's
in trouble.Copy !req
366. - What is this guy again?
- They call him a cleaner.Copy !req
367. He makes problems go away.Copy !req
368. - Hello, Elaine.
- Where did you get the car?Copy !req
369. It's a rental.Copy !req
370. - Where are they?
- In the back.Copy !req
371. All right. I'm gonna need
a clean eight-ounce glass.Copy !req
372. What is going on here?Copy !req
373. If I'm curt, then I apologize.Copy !req
374. But as I understand it,
we have a situation here.Copy !req
375. And time is of the essence.Copy !req