1. Hang on, let me just pick up a paper.Copy !req
2. Excuse me. Would you mind...Copy !req
3. - ... watching my bag for a minute?
- Yeah, no problem.Copy !req
4. - Let's go.
- Well, I gotta watch this guy's bag.Copy !req
5. - For how long?
- I'm sure he'll be back in a second.Copy !req
6. - Nice stuff.
- Come on.Copy !req
7. Excuse me, sir. Would you mind
watching my bag for a second?Copy !req
8. Why? So I can stand here
like an idiot...Copy !req
9. not knowing
if you'll ever come back?Copy !req
10. - Where are you going?
- I'm gonna be this guy's friend.Copy !req
11. - New clothes?
- Yeah, I did some shopping.Copy !req
12. Some new-clothes shopping.Copy !req
13. Can I borrow your menu?Copy !req
14. Strange, for new pants
there's noticeable wear...Copy !req
15. on the buttocks of those chinos.Copy !req
16. Wait, those are the clothes
from the bag.Copy !req
17. The guy never came back.Copy !req
18. He asked you to watch them,
not wear them.Copy !req
19. I'm still watching them.Copy !req
20. - You look like a tourist.
- All right. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
21. When do you start to worry
about ear hair?Copy !req
22. When you hear, like, a soft rustling.Copy !req
23. Puberty that never stops.Copy !req
24. Ear puberty, nose puberty,
knuckle puberty.Copy !req
25. You gotta be vigilant.Copy !req
26. All right. Let me ask you this:Copy !req
27. You know
where Walker Street is downtown?Copy !req
28. - I got a league meeting there.
- Right, the new job. How is it?Copy !req
29. I love it. New office, new salary.
I'm the new Wilhelm.Copy !req
30. So who's the new you?Copy !req
31. They got an intern
from Francis Lewis High.Copy !req
32. His name is Keith.
He comes in Mondays after school.Copy !req
33. - Hi, Alex.
- I'm sorry I'm late.Copy !req
34. - Have you ordered yet?
- No.Copy !req
35. I'll be right back.Copy !req
36. Where are you meeting these women?
When they get off the bus...Copy !req
37. - ... at the Port Authority?
- Right here, George. In here.Copy !req
38. Try opening this up. You'll find
the biggest dating scene in the world.Copy !req
39. Thanks. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
40. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
41. - Hi.
- Where's Jerry?Copy !req
42. Well, he's in the shower.
You want me to get him?Copy !req
43. No, no, no.Copy !req
44. Actually,
I kind of need to speak to you.Copy !req
45. Oh, well, let's sit down.Copy !req
46. Kramer, remember that whole deal
with you selling Peterman...Copy !req
47. your stories for his book,
and then he gave them back to you?Copy !req
48. Vaguely.Copy !req
49. Well, I was kind of
short on material...Copy !req
50. and I put them
in the book anyway.Copy !req
51. You put my life stories
in his autobiography?Copy !req
52. Kramer, listen,
it is such a stupid book.Copy !req
53. - It doesn't matter.
- No, no. Sure it matters.Copy !req
54. I've broken through, huh?Copy !req
55. I'm part of popular culture now.
Listen, I'd like to thank Mr. Peterman.Copy !req
56. He's doing a book signing
at Waldenbooks this afternoon.Copy !req
57. Waldenbooks.
That's a major chain, huh?Copy !req
58. Hey, Jerry,
I'm going to Waldenbooks.Copy !req
59. Oh, get out! Get out!
I don't wanna live like this!Copy !req
60. All right, let's go.Copy !req
61. - Mr. Lippman, how are you?
- How are you?Copy !req
62. - Well, I'm not bad. Not bad.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
63. I work for Pendant Publishing.
This is our book.Copy !req
64. if you can call it that.Copy !req
65. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star
has his own book out now?Copy !req
66. Hey, buddy. Remember me?Copy !req
67. You're that gangly fellow
we bought the stories from.Copy !req
68. Yeah, I'm just here to do my part.
What's your name, darling?Copy !req
69. - Who are you?
- Oh, I'm—Copy !req
70. Let me use your pen, will you?Copy !req
71. —I'm the real Peterman.Copy !req
72. All right, playtime's over.Copy !req
73. Relax, man.Copy !req
74. There's enough juice here
to keep us all fat and giggly.Copy !req
75. I can't believe somebody
pulled the top off this muffin.Copy !req
76. That was me. I'm sorry, l—Copy !req
77. I don't like the stumps.Copy !req
78. - So you just eat the tops?
- Oh, yeah, it's the best part.Copy !req
79. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's—Copy !req
80. It's where the muffin
breaks free of the pan...Copy !req
81. and sort of does its own thing.Copy !req
82. I'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea
right there. Just sell the tops.Copy !req
83. Okay. Let's go, slim. That's enough.Copy !req
84. - I have a right to be here.
- Come on.Copy !req
85. These are my fans.
Hey, you're hurting my elbow.Copy !req
86. Try looking up, hayseed.Copy !req
87. You wanna sightsee, get on a bus.Copy !req
88. Please don't think
all New Yorkers are so rude.Copy !req
89. - Well, no, actually I'm—
- I'm Mary Anne.Copy !req
90. I work for the New York
Visitors Center.Copy !req
91. Where are you visiting from?Copy !req
92. Little Rock, Arkansas.Copy !req
93. That looks new.Copy !req
94. So get this:
Peterman has his henchmen...Copy !req
95. forcefully eject me
from the book signing.Copy !req
96. Like I'm some sort of maniac.Copy !req
97. - Yeah, that's too bad.
- What's the matter with you?Copy !req
98. - Nothing.
- No, no, no, don't give me that.Copy !req
99. I know you. Something's wrong.
What is it? What happened?Copy !req
100. - I did something stupid.
- What did you do?Copy !req
101. - Well, I was shaving...
- Yeah.Copy !req
102. and I noticed an asymmetry
in my chest hair.Copy !req
103. And I was trying to even it out.
And the next thing I knew:Copy !req
104. Gone.Copy !req
105. Don't you know you're not supposed
to poke around down there?Copy !req
106. - Well, women do it.
- "Well, women do it."Copy !req
107. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up
a sundress and a parasol...Copy !req
108. and you can just sashay your pretty
little self around the town square.Copy !req
109. - Well, what am I gonna tell Alex?
- Now, you listen to me.Copy !req
110. You don't tell anybody about this.
No one. You hear me?Copy !req
111. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
112. - Jerry shaved his chest.
- Hey!Copy !req
113. I forgot. Wait, never mind.Copy !req
114. You couldn't pay me enough
to ride a horse in this city.Copy !req
115. It's hard to cross the street
in sneakers...Copy !req
116. let alone six feet in the air
on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur.Copy !req
117. How about the beach this weekend?Copy !req
118. Well, you couldn't pay me enough
to go to the beach on a weekend.Copy !req
119. - I mean, it's hard enough to park—
- All right, all right.Copy !req
120. Is that a Mexican Hairless?
I love those.Copy !req
121. Oh, hairless. This is where it's at.
It's so much smoother and cleaner.Copy !req
122. Really?Copy !req
123. Excuse me.
Are you eating a muffin top?Copy !req
124. Yeah, a muffin-top store
just opened up down the street.Copy !req
125. - A muffin-top store?
- What did I just say?Copy !req
126. Top of the muffin to you.Copy !req
127. Elaine.Copy !req
128. Mr. Lippman?Copy !req
129. So you're pretending to be a tourist?Copy !req
130. It's beautiful.Copy !req
131. She makes all the plans.Copy !req
132. I'm not from around here,
so it's okay if I'm stupid.Copy !req
133. And she knows
I'm only in town visiting...Copy !req
134. so there's no messy break-ups.Copy !req
135. - How do you explain your apartment?
- I got a hotel room.Copy !req
136. You moved into a hotel?Copy !req
137. Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry.
Where else am I gonna stay?Copy !req
138. So get this: We're in the park today.
Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.Copy !req
139. - So?
- So I figured...Copy !req
140. since she likes one hairless animal,
why not another?Copy !req
141. - Oh, really?
- Yes.Copy !req
142. - You tell her you shaved it?
- Are you nuts?Copy !req
143. I don't want her to think I'm a low-rise
briefs guy who shaves his chest.Copy !req
144. Hey, Jerry!Copy !req
145. I'm starting a Peterman
Reality Bus Tour. Check it out.Copy !req
146. Reality tour?Copy !req
147. The last thing this guy is qualified
to give a tour of is reality.Copy !req
148. This was my idea.
You stole my idea.Copy !req
149. Elaine, these ideas are all in the air.
They're in the air.Copy !req
150. Oh, well, then, if that air
is coming out of this face...Copy !req
151. then it is my air and my idea.Copy !req
152. - You want a muffin or not?
- Peach.Copy !req
153. So I've noticed you don't have
much of an accent.Copy !req
154. Yeah, my parents have it.
Sometimes it skips a generation.Copy !req
155. So I was thinking maybe tonight
we could go back to my hotel.Copy !req
156. I got Spectra Vision.Copy !req
157. First five minutes free.Copy !req
158. Look, George...Copy !req
159. I'm really enjoying
spending time with you...Copy !req
160. but I'm not sure
this is gonna work out.Copy !req
161. At some point you're going back
to your job at Tyler Chicken...Copy !req
162. and your three-legged dog, Willy.Copy !req
163. And I'm still gonna be here.Copy !req
164. Well, what if I told you
I'm thinking of moving here?Copy !req
165. George, no offence,
but this city would eat you alive.Copy !req
166. You're moving to New York?
That's fantastic.Copy !req
167. I can see you all the time now.Copy !req
168. Eat me alive, huh?
We'll see who can make it in this town.Copy !req
169. - What is it she thinks you can't do?
- Find a job, get an apartment.Copy !req
170. How did you do those things?Copy !req
171. Never mind, they're done.
All I have to do now is redo them.Copy !req
172. You know, if you take everything
I've accomplished in my entire life...Copy !req
173. and condense it down into one day,
it looks decent.Copy !req
174. Hey, what were you doing
with that bus yesterday?Copy !req
175. Here you go. Here you go.
Check it out.Copy !req
176. "The Real Peterman
Reality Bus Tour."Copy !req
177. - I'm confused.
- That Peterman book is big business.Copy !req
178. People wanna know
the stories behind the stories.Copy !req
179. Nobody wants to go
on a three-hour bus tour...Copy !req
180. of a totally unknown person's life.Copy !req
181. I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get
a pizza bagel and dessert.Copy !req
182. - What's dessert?
- Bite-size 3 Musketeers.Copy !req
183. Just like the real Peterman eats.Copy !req
184. - He eats those?
- No, I eat those.Copy !req
185. I'm the real Peterman.Copy !req
186. - I don't—
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
187. I think I understand this.Copy !req
188. J. Peterman is real.
His biography is not.Copy !req
189. Now, you, Kramer, are real.Copy !req
190. - Talk to me.
- But your life is Peterman's.Copy !req
191. Now, the bus tour, which is real...Copy !req
192. takes you to places that,
while they are real...Copy !req
193. they are not real in the sense
that they did not really happen...Copy !req
194. to the real Peterman, which is you.Copy !req
195. - Understand?
- Yeah, it's 37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.Copy !req
196. Elaine, I'm in over my head.
Nobody likes my muffin tops.Copy !req
197. So? What do you want
me to do about it?Copy !req
198. You're the muffin-top expert.
Tell me what I'm doing wrong.Copy !req
199. Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you
at Pendant Publishing...Copy !req
200. I believed in you, you know,
as a man of integrity.Copy !req
201. But when I saw you
in that paper hat and that apron—Copy !req
202. What if I cut you in
for 30 percent of the profits?Copy !req
203. Deal. Here's your problem:Copy !req
204. You're making just the muffin tops.Copy !req
205. - What do you mean?
- You gotta make the whole muffin.Copy !req
206. Then you...Copy !req
207. pop the top, toss the stump.Copy !req
208. Taste.Copy !req
209. - So, what do we do with the bottoms?
- Give them to a soup kitchen.Copy !req
210. - It's a good idea.
- And one more thing.Copy !req
211. Do you really think
we need the exclamation point?Copy !req
212. Because it's not,
"Top of the muffin to you!"Copy !req
213. No, no, it is.Copy !req
214. Hey, Jerry. What's this?Copy !req
215. Lady Gillette?Copy !req
216. Oh, what's going on?Copy !req
217. - Hey.
- What?Copy !req
218. - Jeez.
- Can't I get a moment's peace?Copy !req
219. - What are you doing to yourself?
- I can't stop.Copy !req
220. - Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
- What? You can't keep this up.Copy !req
221. Don't you know
what's gonna happen?Copy !req
222. Every time you shave it, it's gonna
come in thicker and fuller and darker.Copy !req
223. - Oh, that's an old wives' tale.
- Is it? Look at this.Copy !req
224. - What is—? What is that?
- Look at it! Look at it!Copy !req
225. It's all me.
I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.Copy !req
226. Oh, come on. That's genetic.
That's not gonna happen to me.Copy !req
227. Won't it?
Or has it already started to happen?Copy !req
228. Look at this, we're cleaning up.Copy !req
229. Oh, Reuben, get me another tray
of low-fat cranberry, please.Copy !req
230. Excuse me. I'm Rebecca DeMornay,
from the homeless shelter.Copy !req
231. - Oh, hi.
- Are you the ones...Copy !req
232. leaving those muffin pieces
behind our shelter?Copy !req
233. - You've been enjoying them?
- They're just stumps.Copy !req
234. - Well, they're perfectly edible.
- Oh, so you just assume...Copy !req
235. the homeless will eat them?
They'll eat anything?Copy !req
236. - No, we just thought—
- I know what you thought:Copy !req
237. "They don't have homes.
Don't have jobs.Copy !req
238. What do they need the top of a muffin
for? They're lucky to get stumps."Copy !req
239. if the homeless don't like them,
the homeless don't have to eat them.Copy !req
240. The homeless don't like them.
We've never had so many complaints.Copy !req
241. Every two minutes:
"Where's the top of this muffin?Copy !req
242. - Who ate the rest?"
- We were just trying to help.Copy !req
243. Why don't you drop off
chicken skins and lobster shells?Copy !req
244. I think I might.Copy !req
245. I can't believe
you found something so quickly.Copy !req
246. - How much are you paying?
- Twenty-three hundred.Copy !req
247. - Ouch, a month?
- Yeah.Copy !req
248. Well, I guess that's all right for now.Copy !req
249. But if you stay here more than
a few months, you're a real sucker.Copy !req
250. Yeah, well, l... I got lots
of other stuff to show you too.Copy !req
251. Wait till you see
the plum job that I landed.Copy !req
252. Yeah, we should let this place
air out anyway.Copy !req
253. It smells like the last tenant
had monkeys or something.Copy !req
254. Okay, coming up on the right...Copy !req
255. if you glance up, you'll just make out
my bedroom window.Copy !req
256. It's the one
that's covered in chicken wire.Copy !req
257. Hey, if you're the real Peterman...Copy !req
258. how come you're wearing
those ratty clothes?Copy !req
259. - What?
- Well, they're not very romantic.Copy !req
260. Well, that's your opinion.Copy !req
261. Can I have another 3 Musketeers?
They're rather small.Copy !req
262. Forget it.Copy !req
263. Okay, Newman's postal route
is around here somewhere.Copy !req
264. - Who's Newman?
- Who cares?Copy !req
265. Hey, fake Peterman, let me off.
I'm nauseous.Copy !req
266. Can I have his candy bar?Copy !req
267. Everyone just settle down.Copy !req
268. Okay, we got three hours left
on this thing...Copy !req
269. and I can't drive and argue
with you rubes all at the same time.Copy !req
270. Okay, Lomez's place of worship
is right on the right here.Copy !req
271. - Why do I have to go on the tour?
- Jerry, you're a minor celebrity.Copy !req
272. You know, if you go on this thing,
it could create a minor stir.Copy !req
273. You bring that little girlfriend of yours
and I'll only charge you 60 bucks.Copy !req
274. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
275. - How's business?
- Oh, I got stump trouble.Copy !req
276. The sanitation department
won't get rid of them all.Copy !req
277. I can't get a truck to haul this stuff
until next week.Copy !req
278. Meanwhile, I'm sitting
on a mountain of stumps.Copy !req
279. All right.Copy !req
280. I gotta hose the puke
off the floor of the bus.Copy !req
281. Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Bus? You got a bus?Copy !req
282. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Any room on that thing?Copy !req
283. There are a few seats still available.Copy !req
284. Do you think you could
transport some stumps for me?Copy !req
285. I'll make it worth your while.Copy !req
286. Well, if they don't mind
sitting in the back.Copy !req
287. No, they don't.Copy !req
288. Are they war veterans?Copy !req
289. This is your office?Copy !req
290. Oh, hello. Sorry, George...Copy !req
291. didn't know you had a girl in here.
Leave a signal on the doorknob...Copy !req
292. like a necktie or a sock or something.
Help me out.Copy !req
293. Mr. Steinbrenner,
I would like to thank you...Copy !req
294. for taking a chance
on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken...Copy !req
295. - ... like our boy George here.
- Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?Copy !req
296. Yes, very nice for her
to have met you, sir.Copy !req
297. Wait a minute, George.Copy !req
298. Be right with you.
Look, Mr. Steinbrenner—Copy !req
299. Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken.
lmpressive, George.Copy !req
300. Days with Yankees,
nights in Arkansas...Copy !req
301. with a topflight bird outfit.
And a hen supervisor, to boot.Copy !req
302. I am blown. Blown away.Copy !req
303. Blown, George. Blown!Copy !req
304. You know,
when you make a pizza bagel...Copy !req
305. you really shouldn't
use cinnamon raisin.Copy !req
306. You also shouldn't use a doughnut.Copy !req
307. All right, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour.Copy !req
308. Turn music off.Copy !req
309. - Kramer, can we just go?
- And go we will.Copy !req
310. What is this? Pizza pound cake?Copy !req
311. Well, we have a bonus
ultra-reality stop today.Copy !req
312. We're gonna be hauling muffin stumps
to the local repository.Copy !req
313. - We're going to a garbage dump?
- And we're off.Copy !req
314. You know, I never thought he'd
be able to re-create the experience...Copy !req
315. of actually knowing him,
but this is pretty close.Copy !req
316. Don Tyler? George Steinbrenner here.
I wanna talk about George Costanza.Copy !req
317. I understand he's been
dividing his time between us and you.Copy !req
318. - I cannot have that.
- Well, I don't know who he is...Copy !req
319. but if you want him that bad,
I'm not giving up easy.Copy !req
320. Oh, is that so? Playing a little
hardball, huh, Donny boy?Copy !req
321. How about this:
You give me Costanza.Copy !req
322. I convert your concessions
to all chicken, no charge.Copy !req
323. lnstead of hot dogs, chicken dogs.
lnstead of pretzels, chicken twists.Copy !req
324. lnstead of beer, alcoholic chicken.Copy !req
325. - How do you make alcoholic chicken?
- They ferment, just like anything else.Copy !req
326. That stuff sounds great. All right,
I'll have Costanza on the next bus.Copy !req
327. Hey, hey, hey.
Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
328. - Well, I was gonna dump this.
- It doesn't look like garbage.Copy !req
329. - Well, it's muffin stumps.
- Where are the muffin tops?Copy !req
330. This is a garbage dump.
Just let me dump it.Copy !req
331. Can't do it.Copy !req
332. - Is this a joke?
- That's what I like to know about it.Copy !req
333. You have a pretty heavy beard,
don't you?Copy !req
334. - What's that?
- Look, it's almost time for you to shave.Copy !req
335. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
336. Well, maybe I will take it up
with Consumer Affairs!Copy !req
337. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
you're in for an additional treat.Copy !req
338. We're going to extend the tour
at no extra charge.Copy !req
339. - Where are we going?
- I don't know.Copy !req
340. No more questions.Copy !req
341. So the New York Yankees traded you
for a bunch of Tyler Chicken?Copy !req
342. Dogs, twists,
and a fermented chicken drink.Copy !req
343. Hey, aren't you the guy
I asked to watch my clothes?Copy !req
344. - What clothes?
- These clothes.Copy !req
345. The ones you're wearing.Copy !req
346. - Kramer, how much longer?
- What?Copy !req
347. My chest hair's growing back,
and it's itching me like crazy.Copy !req
348. - I can't let her see me scratch it.
- Well, don't worry.Copy !req
349. - I got a good feeling about this dump.
- I tell you, man, I'm losing it.Copy !req
350. I can't sit on this bus anymore.Copy !req
351. I think I'll go play with that dog.Copy !req
352. I don't know where the tops are.Copy !req
353. Jerry, what's the matter?Copy !req
354. That feels good.Copy !req
355. - Oh, hey, you looking for George?
- Yes.Copy !req
356. He's been in the bathroom a while.
You might wanna check on him.Copy !req
357. Jerry, you gotta bring me
some clothes here.Copy !req
358. I lost my job with the Yankees.Copy !req
359. I'm standing in a men's room
on 43rd Street in my underpants.Copy !req
360. I told you
this city would eat you alive.Copy !req
361. And I think my relationship's
in trouble.Copy !req
362. - What is this guy again?
- They call him a cleaner.Copy !req
363. He makes problems go away.Copy !req
364. - Hello, Elaine.
- Where did you get the car?Copy !req
365. It's a rental.Copy !req
366. - Where are they?
- In the back.Copy !req
367. All right. I'm gonna need
a clean eight-ounce glass.Copy !req
368. - What is going on here?
- if I'm curt, then I apologize.Copy !req
369. But as I understand it,
we have a situation here.Copy !req
370. And time is of the essence.Copy !req