1. You know, I can now bite
my fingernails so evenly...Copy !req
2. I don't even need
to use a clipper anymore.Copy !req
3. But it's a pleasure to use clippers.Copy !req
4. Why gnaw away like a mental patient
when we have this elegant device?Copy !req
5. What if you're in prison?Copy !req
6. - You don't think they give clippers?
- No, it's like a weapon.Copy !req
7. You know what's really a weapon,
that big toenail.Copy !req
8. You let that grow for a month,
take it in the shower, it's like a shiv.Copy !req
9. I love prison.Copy !req
10. It is fascinating.Copy !req
11. Yeah, maybe someday.Copy !req
12. You want me to find
a poem about Susan?Copy !req
13. May she rest in peace.Copy !req
14. Well, we think it would be a nice touch
for the foundation literature.Copy !req
15. You have a favourite poet, George?Copy !req
16. I like Flavman.Copy !req
17. - Pardon?
- Flavman.Copy !req
18. Well, you should choose the poem
since you knew Susan best...Copy !req
19. at the time
of her unfortunate... accident.Copy !req
20. - He cleared his throat?
- Yes.Copy !req
21. So?Copy !req
22. He did it right as he said,
" Her unfortunate accident."Copy !req
23. Not getting it.Copy !req
24. Jerry, a throat clear is a non-verbal
implication of doubt.Copy !req
25. He thinks I killed Susan.Copy !req
26. Oh, help me, Rhonda.Copy !req
27. - What time is it?
- One-fifteen.Copy !req
28. Right now?Copy !req
29. I gotta go meet Pam.Copy !req
30. Oh, the bookstore girl.
How's that going?Copy !req
31. Okay. I'm just not gaga over her.Copy !req
32. For once, I'd like to be gaga.Copy !req
33. Where's Elaine?Copy !req
34. She's having Carol,
Gail and Lisa over.Copy !req
35. You know, they all have kids now.Copy !req
36. What's with all these people
having babies?Copy !req
37. - Perpetuation of the species.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
38. - By the way, just for the record—
- No, I did not.Copy !req
39. All right.Copy !req
40. But because it comes out
of your baby, it smells good.Copy !req
41. Well, that's— That's sweet.Copy !req
42. Being a mother
has made me feel so beautiful.Copy !req
43. Elaine, you gotta have a baby.Copy !req
44. Oh, hey, you know...Copy !req
45. I had a piece of whitefish...Copy !req
46. over at Barney Greengrass
the other day and l—Copy !req
47. Elaine, move to Long lsland
and have a baby already.Copy !req
48. - I really like the city.
- The city's a toilet.Copy !req
49. When's the last time
you saw my little Adam?Copy !req
50. It was in the Hamptons.Copy !req
51. - Oh, I have pictures.
- No, no, that's okay. It's—Copy !req
52. Look at him, just look at him.Copy !req
53. Elaine was telling me about
this whitefish she had the other day.Copy !req
54. Do you really think I'm wrong
about this Wyck guy?Copy !req
55. if you really wanna test him out...Copy !req
56. why don't you try
the Jerry Lewis trick?Copy !req
57. - Jerry Lewis?
- I heard when Jerry left a meeting...Copy !req
58. he'd purposely leave a briefcase
with a tape recorder in it.Copy !req
59. After five minutes, he'd come back,
listen to what everyone said.Copy !req
60. - That's pretty paranoid.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
61. - I like it.
- I thought you might.Copy !req
62. Hi, I'm Pam.Copy !req
63. You must be Kramer.Copy !req
64. Jerry has told me a lot about you.Copy !req
65. Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry.
It's my day off.Copy !req
66. I work in a bookstore.Copy !req
67. Books.Copy !req
68. Careful.Copy !req
69. - Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Hi.Copy !req
70. That's okay. Kramer let me in.Copy !req
71. if we rush,
we can still make the movie.Copy !req
72. It was really nice meeting you.Copy !req
73. I'm in trouble, buddy.Copy !req
74. I just met a woman.Copy !req
75. - Go on.
- Well...Copy !req
76. she's Jerry's girlfriend.Copy !req
77. Yes, forbidden love.Copy !req
78. She works in a bookshop.Copy !req
79. - Her name is Pam.
- Pam.Copy !req
80. I don't know the woman,
but she sounds quite fetching.Copy !req
81. I can't even speak in front of her.Copy !req
82. Jerry.Copy !req
83. What could she possibly see
in Jerry?Copy !req
84. She has delicate beauty.Copy !req
85. Jerry wouldn't know delicate
if it bludgeoned him over the head.Copy !req
86. And yet, he's my friend.Copy !req
87. And therein lies the tragedy.Copy !req
88. For I believe, sadly for you...Copy !req
89. that there is but one woman
meant for each of us.Copy !req
90. One perfect angel
for whom we are put on this earth.Copy !req
91. Oh, that's beautiful, Newman.Copy !req
92. One winsome tulip...Copy !req
93. we ceaselessly yearn for throughout
our dreary workaday lives...Copy !req
94. and you, my friend,
have found your angel.Copy !req
95. I can tell...Copy !req
96. for my heart has also been captured
by a breathless beauty...Copy !req
97. whom I fear I will never possess.Copy !req
98. I thought we were talking about me.Copy !req
99. Oh, right.Copy !req
100. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.Copy !req
101. - Confront Jerry? I can't.
- You must.Copy !req
102. - I won't.
- You will.Copy !req
103. " Elaine, you gotta have a baby."Copy !req
104. Where are the poetry magazines?Copy !req
105. The New York er has poetry.Copy !req
106. Yes, The New York er.Copy !req
107. Why do you invite these women over
if they annoy you so much?Copy !req
108. Well, they're my friends...Copy !req
109. but they act as if having a baby
takes some kind of talent.Copy !req
110. Come on. You wanna have a baby.Copy !req
111. - Why? Because I can?
- It's the life force.Copy !req
112. I saw a show
on the mollusk last night.Copy !req
113. Elaine, the mollusk travels
from Alaska to Chile...Copy !req
114. just for a shot at another mollusk.Copy !req
115. You think you're any better?Copy !req
116. Yes, I think I am better
than the mollusk.Copy !req
117. Excuse me, I couldn't help
overhearing what you were saying.Copy !req
118. - Oh, I'm sorry—
- No, no, I think I agree with you.Copy !req
119. I mean, all this talk
about having babies.Copy !req
120. Yeah, like you must procreate.Copy !req
121. Besides, anyone can do it.Copy !req
122. Oh, it's been done to death.Copy !req
123. I should have a poem
very soon now.Copy !req
124. Are you okay, George?Copy !req
125. No, no.Copy !req
126. Not really.Copy !req
127. Ever since Susan passed on,
I have good days and bad.Copy !req
128. Some days I'm haunted
by one word:Copy !req
129. Why?Copy !req
130. Why Susan?Copy !req
131. Why wasn't it me
licking those invitations?Copy !req
132. Why am I still here?Copy !req
133. But I gotta run.Copy !req
134. Now, the stock options
for this year look quite—Copy !req
135. Briefcase.Copy !req
136. So, Kevin, if I don't want children...Copy !req
137. does that make me
a bad humanitarian?Copy !req
138. - Not at all.
- Because when you get to know me...Copy !req
139. you'll see that I'm
a pretty good humanitarian.Copy !req
140. You are doing a wonderful job,
by the way.Copy !req
141. - Thanks a lot.
- Right? Am I right?Copy !req
142. Kramer, Kramer, come here,
look at my new friend Kevin.Copy !req
143. Oh, you got a little—Copy !req
144. - You got—
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
145. I just had two
double-fudge sundaes.Copy !req
146. Oh, are you all right?Copy !req
147. Yeah, I'll be okay.Copy !req
148. You know, Jerry has one of those
every time he bombs on stage.Copy !req
149. I'm sure he'll be sharing
his next one with Pam.Copy !req
150. Oh, no, that won't last.Copy !req
151. - What do you mean?
- He's not gaga.Copy !req
152. Let me tell you. That Jerry Lewis...Copy !req
153. you wonder how people
get to the top?Copy !req
154. It's ideas like this. Brilliant.Copy !req
155. Look at this.
What the hell happened?Copy !req
156. The whole side is damaged here,
and the lock is broken.Copy !req
157. - How long did you leave it there?
- Five minutes.Copy !req
158. What the hell happened here?Copy !req
159. Play the tape.
Maybe we'll get a clue.Copy !req
160. I have to rewind it first.Copy !req
161. All right. All right.Copy !req
162. Did anyone notice
George's fingernails?Copy !req
163. Oh, my, yes, they look lik e
they were eaten away by weevils.Copy !req
164. It's kind of hot in here.
Open the window.Copy !req
165. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
166. Dear God!Copy !req
167. Is that it?Copy !req
168. - It stopped dead.
- What do you make of it?Copy !req
169. I don't know.Copy !req
170. Jerry, can we talk?Copy !req
171. Kind of busy here.Copy !req
172. - I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
- Why can't I stay?Copy !req
173. Because it doesn't concern you.Copy !req
174. Well, if it doesn't concern me,
then I can stay.Copy !req
175. - So, what's on your mind?
- It's Pam.Copy !req
176. - Pam? What about Pam?
- I love her, Jerry.Copy !req
177. - You what?
- I love her.Copy !req
178. - Is that right?
- Oh, she's— She's real.Copy !req
179. She can bring home the bacon
and fry it in the pan.Copy !req
180. - What does that mean?
- Oh, and that voice.Copy !req
181. - What about her name?
- Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name.Copy !req
182. Pam.Copy !req
183. Pam?Copy !req
184. Pam!Copy !req
185. - She's got really nice hair.
- Oh, it's incredible.Copy !req
186. Although, I might replace
her tortoise clip...Copy !req
187. with one of those velvet scrunchies.
I love those.Copy !req
188. You've got really specific tastes.Copy !req
189. Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.Copy !req
190. She got nice calves.Copy !req
191. Oh, she's a dreamboat,
but you don't like her.Copy !req
192. Maybe I could.
You're making some good points.Copy !req
193. - No, you can't, Jerry.
- But I might.Copy !req
194. - Oh, no, you don't.
- Why not?Copy !req
195. - The voice, the calves, the bacon.
- What?Copy !req
196. I think I can.
I even like the name Pam.Copy !req
197. Pam. Pam.Copy !req
198. So now he wants her
more than ever.Copy !req
199. Blast.Copy !req
200. What am I gonna do, huh?Copy !req
201. Don't despair, my friend.Copy !req
202. I won't allow your love
to go unrequited, not like mine.Copy !req
203. What, again with you?Copy !req
204. Sorry.Copy !req
205. But love is a spice
with many tastes...Copy !req
206. a dizzying array of textures
and moments.Copy !req
207. if only I could say things like that
around her.Copy !req
208. Yes.Copy !req
209. Well, I hear three distinct sounds:Copy !req
210. A low rumple...Copy !req
211. followed by a metallic squink—Copy !req
212. Yes, yes, I heard the squink.Copy !req
213. —followed by a mysterious galonk.Copy !req
214. It's a real baffler, isn't it?Copy !req
215. Well, one question
does come to mind.Copy !req
216. Have you considered just asking them
what happened to the briefcase?Copy !req
217. They would never tell me.Copy !req
218. First of all, they probably think
that I killed Susan.Copy !req
219. Besides, I don't even think
they like me.Copy !req
220. That Pam. I am gaga over her.Copy !req
221. "Gaga"? When did that happen?Copy !req
222. Yesterday, 6-ish.Copy !req
223. Well, maybe we should double.
I'm pretty gaga myself.Copy !req
224. You just met the guy yesterday.Copy !req
225. Yeah, but we have a common goal.Copy !req
226. A barren, sterile existence
that ends when you die?Copy !req
227. Yeah.Copy !req
228. You believe this guy
doesn't wanna have kids?Copy !req
229. - Yeah, of course.
- A guy will say anything to a woman.Copy !req
230. Oh, please, he wouldn't say that.Copy !req
231. Elaine, I once told a woman
that I coined the phrase:Copy !req
232. " Pardon my French."Copy !req
233. I once told a woman I don't eat cake
because it goes right to my thighs.Copy !req
234. Once told a woman
I enjoy spending time with my family.Copy !req
235. Your looks and my words
will have built the perfect beast.Copy !req
236. All right.Copy !req
237. - Oh, hi, Kramer.
- Hi, how are you?Copy !req
238. Hi, how are you?Copy !req
239. - I'm great.
- I too am well.Copy !req
240. I too am well.Copy !req
241. - Do I smell Pantene?
- Do I smell—?Copy !req
242. - Pantene!
- Pantene?Copy !req
243. Oh, my shampoo.Copy !req
244. Yeah, yeah, you know,
it is Pantene.Copy !req
245. I got a free sample of it
in with my junk mail.Copy !req
246. There really is no junk mail.Copy !req
247. Everybody wants a check
or birthday card—Copy !req
248. It requires just as much manpower
to deliver as their precious cards—Copy !req
249. Newman.Copy !req
250. What?Copy !req
251. Human. Human.Copy !req
252. It's human to be moved
by a fragrance.Copy !req
253. That's so true.Copy !req
254. Her bouquet cleaved his hardened—Copy !req
255. - Shell.
- ShellCopy !req
256. And fondled his muscled heartCopy !req
257. He imbibed her glistening spellCopy !req
258. Just before the other shoe fellCopy !req
259. Kramer, that is so lovely.Copy !req
260. It's by an unknown
20th century poet.Copy !req
261. - Oh, what's him name?
- Newman.Copy !req
262. Elaine, you changed my life.Copy !req
263. Oh, Kevin, you can go on and on
about how you don't want kids...Copy !req
264. and it sounds—
It sounds really nice...Copy !req
265. but the truth is, I don't know
if you mean it or not.Copy !req
266. I got a vasectomy this morning.Copy !req
267. Although, I have a hunch
you mean it.Copy !req
268. I just came by to tell you...Copy !req
269. I'm really, really happy
about this relationship. Really happy.Copy !req
270. Oh, well, that's nice.Copy !req
271. A velvet scrunchie.Copy !req
272. Kramer.Copy !req
273. Hello, Newman.Copy !req
274. Hello, Jerry.Copy !req
275. How's Pam?Copy !req
276. Pam? What do you care?Copy !req
277. Well, ta-ta.Copy !req
278. Wait a minute.Copy !req
279. All right, Newman, this is it.Copy !req
280. Steady, Jerry.Copy !req
281. Steady. Wouldn't wanna
lose your cool at a time like this.Copy !req
282. - Why not?
- Because right now...Copy !req
283. I'm the only chance you've got.Copy !req
284. Come on.Copy !req
285. I can't believe I'm losing Pam.Copy !req
286. I know how you feel...Copy !req
287. for I too have a woman
for whom I pine.Copy !req
288. - I thought we were talking about me.
- Right.Copy !req
289. Anyway, I don't need your help.Copy !req
290. Oh, don't you, joke boy?Copy !req
291. You really think you can manipulate
that beautiful young woman...Copy !req
292. like the half-soused,
nightclub rabble...Copy !req
293. that lap up your inane
"observations"?Copy !req
294. All right, Newman.Copy !req
295. What do I to get you to stop
pulling strings for Kramer?Copy !req
296. Well, there is a little something
you can do for me.Copy !req
297. Come on, out with it.Copy !req
298. It's about Elaine.Copy !req
299. Elaine? What does she have to—?Copy !req
300. Oh, no.Copy !req
301. You dated her.
Give me some inside information.Copy !req
302. Anything I can use.Copy !req
303. Well, I know she doesn't
wanna have kids.Copy !req
304. I thought you'd be
a little more enthusiastic about it.Copy !req
305. I know. I don't want... kids.Copy !req
306. - What was that?
- Well...Copy !req
307. Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt.Copy !req
308. I mean, nothing is 100 percent.Copy !req
309. This is.Copy !req
310. - Oh, boy, I always do this.
- What?Copy !req
311. I get all jazzed up about something,
and I go way too far with it.Copy !req
312. - Really?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
313. Like last summer, I'm watching TV
and I saw one of those jet skis.Copy !req
314. Four thousand dollars later,
and it's sitting in my garage.Copy !req
315. You know, that's weird actually,
because I'm sort of the same way.Copy !req
316. I mean, once for, like, no reason,
I flattened my hair...Copy !req
317. and I had all these strands
hanging in my face all the time.Copy !req
318. Sometimes I think I do want kids,
maybe a lot of kids.Copy !req
319. Sometimes I think about
wearing my hair real short.Copy !req
320. Yeah, I think I like short hair,
really short.Copy !req
321. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
322. This is a crude mock-up
of the conference room.Copy !req
323. One-fourteenth scale.Copy !req
324. When did you build this thing?Copy !req
325. Yesterday. Took the day off.Copy !req
326. Now, from the time
that I left the room—Copy !req
327. - Wait. That's you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
328. I think the M&M should be you.Copy !req
329. All right, whatever.Copy !req
330. Now, whatever caused
the damage...Copy !req
331. it was jarring enough
to completely stop the tape.Copy !req
332. - And?
- Okay.Copy !req
333. That's what we know.Copy !req
334. - But we already knew that.
- Well, yeah.Copy !req
335. Just give me some idea
what you think it could be.Copy !req
336. - I don't know if you're ready for it.
- Please.Copy !req
337. I believe that I'm about
to become the target...Copy !req
338. of a systematic process
of intimidation and manipulation...Copy !req
339. - ... the likes of which—
- Hold it. You're right. I'm not ready.Copy !req
340. - Yeah?
- It's Pam.Copy !req
341. Come on up. All right, it's Pam.
You gotta get going.Copy !req
342. I'm not through here, Jerry.Copy !req
343. I'm gonna keep on investigating.Copy !req
344. This thing is like an onion.Copy !req
345. The more layers you peel,
the more it stinks.Copy !req
346. What was that?Copy !req
347. We were just playing.Copy !req
348. Listen, I had a long talk
with Kramer today.Copy !req
349. Well, the thing is l—
I think I have a little crush on him.Copy !req
350. I'm so happy.Copy !req
351. My world suddenly has meaning.Copy !req
352. This is the man
you have a crush on?Copy !req
353. Well, I have feelings for both of you.Copy !req
354. You have feelings for him?
We're soul mates.Copy !req
355. Why can't I be a soul mate?Copy !req
356. Jerry, you really think Pam would want
you to be the father of her children?Copy !req
357. Children?Copy !req
358. Who said anything about children?
I don't wanna have children.Copy !req
359. There are people in this room...Copy !req
360. who would've been very happy
to never see this briefcase again.Copy !req
361. There are people in this room...Copy !req
362. who think they can destroy
other people's property...Copy !req
363. and get away with it.Copy !req
364. Well, let me tell you something
about those people.Copy !req
365. They weren't
counting on this brain...Copy !req
366. and this tape recorder.Copy !req
367. - George—
- You'll have your turn.Copy !req
368. The truth must be heard.Copy !req
369. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
370. Dear God!Copy !req
371. That's all there was...Copy !req
372. and yet it speaks volumes.Copy !req
373. A low rumple...Copy !req
374. a metallic squink...Copy !req
375. a galonk...Copy !req
376. and someone crying out,
" Dear God!"Copy !req
377. Let's start with— With you, Wyck.Copy !req
378. George, Quinn here
was moving a chair.Copy !req
379. He lost his balance and dropped it.Copy !req
380. It must have fallen
on your briefcase...Copy !req
381. which, for some reason,
contained a running tape recorder.Copy !req
382. All right then.Copy !req
383. We've gotten to the bottom of that.Copy !req
384. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
385. We're getting vasectomies.Copy !req
386. - Why?
- I'm doing it for you.Copy !req
387. - What?
- What did you do to your hair?Copy !req
388. I cut it.Copy !req
389. It's a little short.Copy !req
390. You think?Copy !req
391. What are you doing here?Copy !req
392. Kevin's having
his vasectomy reversed.Copy !req
393. - Reversed?
- Reversed?Copy !req
394. He imbibed her glistening spellCopy !req
395. Just before the other shoe fellCopy !req
396. Is that a Keats poem?Copy !req
397. No, it's a Newman.Copy !req
398. Well, I gotta run.Copy !req
399. Does anyone think George
might have murdered Susan?Copy !req
400. Oh, yeah, I just assumed
he murdered her.Copy !req
401. - Of course he killed her.
- So it's not just me then.Copy !req
402. All right. Back to business.Copy !req