1. You're on a desert island.Copy !req
2. You can bring five books.
Which five do you take?Copy !req
3. I gotta read five books?Copy !req
4. All right, one.Copy !req
5. Come on.Copy !req
6. I got it. Three Musk eteers.Copy !req
7. - You've read that?
- No, I'm saving it for the island.Copy !req
8. All right, let's start
this whole thing over.Copy !req
9. Best Chamberlain:
Wilt, Richard, or Neville?Copy !req
10. For the desert island?Copy !req
11. - Okay.
- Richard.Copy !req
12. You know, he was in
The Three Musk eteers.Copy !req
13. Exactly. Save me having
to read the book.Copy !req
14. What's going on over there?Copy !req
15. I don't know. I gotta see somebody.Copy !req
16. So, Marcy, you should have
seen me in the hot tub today.Copy !req
17. - Why?
- I was naked.Copy !req
18. - Oh, George.
- I saw it.Copy !req
19. - How'd he look?
- Okay. I wouldn't see it again.Copy !req
20. A friend of mine thought she got
Legionnaires' disease in a hot tub.Copy !req
21. Really, what happened?Copy !req
22. Yada, yada, yada.
Just some bad egg salad.Copy !req
23. I'll be right back.Copy !req
24. - Nice girl.
- Lovely.Copy !req
25. I notice she's big on
the phrase, "Yada yada."Copy !req
26. - ls "yada yada" bad?
- No, "yada yada's good.Copy !req
27. - She's very succinct.
- She is succinct.Copy !req
28. Yeah, like you're dating USA Today.Copy !req
29. - Hey.
- Hey, Tim.Copy !req
30. - George, you know Tim Whatley.
- Yeah, dentist to the stars.Copy !req
31. - What's up?
- I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.Copy !req
32. - Excuse me?
- I'm a Jew.Copy !req
33. I finished converting two days ago.Copy !req
34. Oh, well, welcome aboard.Copy !req
35. - Thanks. So I'll see you tomorrow?
- Yeah, I have a cavity, lower left.Copy !req
36. - Were you just at the health club?
- Yeah.Copy !req
37. - We must have just missed you.
- I didn't do much.Copy !req
38. I just sat in the sauna.Copy !req
39. You know, it was more
like a Jewish workout.Copy !req
40. I'll see you.Copy !req
41. Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days.
He's already making Jewish jokes.Copy !req
42. So what? When someone turns 21,
they usually get drunk the first night.Copy !req
43. Booze is not a religion.Copy !req
44. Tell that to my father.Copy !req
45. Anyway, guess what.
Beth Lookner called me.Copy !req
46. Beth Lookner.
I'm still waiting out that marriage.Copy !req
47. What are you talking about?
That marriage ended six months ago.Copy !req
48. She's already remarried.Copy !req
49. Where was l?Copy !req
50. It was when you were engaged.Copy !req
51. Oh, I gotta get on that lnternet.
I'm late on everything.Copy !req
52. Anyway, so Beth
and her new husband, Arnie...Copy !req
53. have listed me as a reference
for an adoption agency.Copy !req
54. They're trying to get a baby.Copy !req
55. Oh, God, a baby.
That can add two years to a marriage.Copy !req
56. Hey. Elaine, all right.Copy !req
57. Who looks better in this shirt,
me or Mickey?Copy !req
58. We're double-dating tonight.Copy !req
59. if we wear the same shirt
we'll look like idiots.Copy !req
60. Turn around.Copy !req
61. Well, you're both so striking.Copy !req
62. Yeah, tell me about it.Copy !req
63. We picked up two women at The Gap.Copy !req
64. How did you decide which one
of you would date which girl?Copy !req
65. So I'm on Third Avenue, minding my
own business and yada, yada, yada.Copy !req
66. I get a free massage and a facial.Copy !req
67. What a succinct story.Copy !req
68. So I'm surprised
you drive a Cadillac.Copy !req
69. Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.Copy !req
70. Are you close with your parents?Copy !req
71. Well, they gave birth to me
and yada, yada.Copy !req
72. Yada what?Copy !req
73. Yada, yada, yada.Copy !req
74. It's a nice place.Copy !req
75. Really nice.Copy !req
76. - I like your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.Copy !req
77. It's a hundred percent cotton.
And some wool.Copy !req
78. Well, you two seem
to have the same taste.Copy !req
79. - Well, I like it too.
- Oh, well, I have the same shirt.Copy !req
80. Yeah, well, I'm wearing it.Copy !req
81. Well, I like your shirt too.Copy !req
82. Well, so do l.Copy !req
83. Did I mention I'm a serious actor?Copy !req
84. - Really?
- I enjoy polo.Copy !req
85. I like the beach.Copy !req
86. My aunt has been ill of late.Copy !req
87. I own a tuxedo.Copy !req
88. Anything to drink?
Some wine perhaps?Copy !req
89. - I like merlot.
- I love merlot.Copy !req
90. - I'm crazy about merlot.
- I live for merlot.Copy !req
91. We're out of merlot.Copy !req
92. We'll clear out for your interview.Copy !req
93. - Okay.
- Make us sound good.Copy !req
94. - Oh, come on.
- Bye.Copy !req
95. - Bye, Beth. Bye, Arnie.
- Bye.Copy !req
96. Nice people.Copy !req
97. So you know Beth and Arnie
pretty well?Copy !req
98. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
99. Do you socialize with them often?Copy !req
100. Yeah, yeah,
we go out to dinner a lot...Copy !req
101. usually Chinese.
Well, sometimes Thai.Copy !req
102. And we go to the movies.
Arnie's a real film buff.Copy !req
103. Actually, I remember this one time.Copy !req
104. This is funny.Copy !req
105. We went to see
the movie Striptease.Copy !req
106. I don't know if you've seen it.
It doesn't matter. Anyway.Copy !req
107. And it was during
the opening credits...Copy !req
108. it was before
the movie even started.Copy !req
109. And I was whispering
something to Beth...Copy !req
110. and Arnie leans over to me
and he goes, "Would you shut up?"Copy !req
111. I mean, he barely even knew me.
Where did he get off—?Copy !req
112. But they're great people.Copy !req
113. You're in here.Copy !req
114. - What are you doing here?
- I knew you had an appointment.Copy !req
115. Well, this is very awkward.Copy !req
116. I'll leave when the guy comes in.Copy !req
117. Hey, I gotta tell you.
I am loving this yada yada thing.Copy !req
118. You know, I can gloss over
my whole life story.Copy !req
119. - Look at that.
- Hey, don't play with that.Copy !req
120. That's going in my mouth.Copy !req
121. - What is this thing?
- All right. That's enough.Copy !req
122. - Just get going. Get out of here.
- All right.Copy !req
123. - Hey, Tim. Quick question.
- Hey.Copy !req
124. Is it normal for your teeth
to make noises...Copy !req
125. like a hissing or a chirping?Copy !req
126. George.Copy !req
127. Fine, I'll make an appointment.Copy !req
128. All right. It is cavity time.Copy !req
129. Here we go.Copy !req
130. Reminds me,
you hear the one about the rabbi...Copy !req
131. and the farmer's daughter, huh?Copy !req
132. "Those aren't matzo balls."Copy !req
133. - What?
- Tim, do you think you should be...Copy !req
134. making jokes like that?Copy !req
135. Why not? I'm Jewish. Remember?Copy !req
136. - I know, but—
- Jerry, it's our sense of humour...Copy !req
137. that sustained us
as a people for 3000 years.Copy !req
138. - Five thousand.
- Five thousand, even better.Copy !req
139. Okay. Chrissy...Copy !req
140. give me a shtickl of fluoride.Copy !req
141. And then he asked the assistant
for a shtickl of fluoride.Copy !req
142. Why are you so
concerned about this?Copy !req
143. I'll tell you why.Copy !req
144. Because I believe Whatley
converted to Judaism just for the jokes.Copy !req
145. - Hello.
- Would you be interested...Copy !req
146. in a subscription
to the New York Times?Copy !req
147. Yes.Copy !req
148. - Well, I don't believe that.
- if you'd got in the back seat...Copy !req
149. we could've figured this out.Copy !req
150. Why were you holding
the door open?Copy !req
151. Not for you.
Who holds a door open for a man?Copy !req
152. Well, I thought it was a nice gesture,
but I guess I was wrong.Copy !req
153. Let's just put their names in a hat.Copy !req
154. I don't even know their names.Copy !req
155. Look, why don't you take
the one on the left?Copy !req
156. - I'm not sure she's my type.
- Oh, everybody's your type.Copy !req
157. What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
158. - You've been married three times.
- That's it. It's go time.Copy !req
159. - All right. Take it easy. Easy, easy.
- Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
160. No, come on, let him go.
You wanna throw? Let's throw!Copy !req
161. Hey, hey! Hold on a second.Copy !req
162. All right, look. I got an idea.Copy !req
163. Why don't you just
show up early for your next date...Copy !req
164. sit across from each other
and see who the girls sit next to.Copy !req
165. - That's not bad.
- Right. So we let the girls decide.Copy !req
166. Yeah, why should we
knock ourselves out?Copy !req
167. - I wanna wear that shirt next time.
- No one wears the shirt next time.Copy !req
168. - Right, because they already saw it.
- We'll look like idiots.Copy !req
169. Well, we... We were engaged
to be married.Copy !req
170. We bought
the wedding invitations and...Copy !req
171. yada, yada, yada. I'm still single.Copy !req
172. So, what's she doing now?Copy !req
173. Yada.Copy !req
174. - I get it.
- I love talking to you.Copy !req
175. Me too. So speaking of exes...Copy !req
176. my old boyfriend
came over late last night...Copy !req
177. and yada, yada, yada.
Anyway, I'm really tired today.Copy !req
178. Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?Copy !req
179. Well, our adoption
application was denied.Copy !req
180. - Really?
- The adoption agent seems to feel...Copy !req
181. that Arnie has a violent temper.Copy !req
182. So we're just asking our friends...Copy !req
183. what they may have said
to the adoption agent.Copy !req
184. Well, l...Copy !req
185. You know, I just told them
what kind people you are...Copy !req
186. and how Arnie's a big movie buff...Copy !req
187. and yada, yada, yada. That is it.Copy !req
188. How you doing?Copy !req
189. I have some discomfort in my molar.Copy !req
190. You like Tootsie Rolls, don't you?Copy !req
191. Father Curtis, why don't you come in?Copy !req
192. Father Curtis, good guy.
Oh, which reminds me.Copy !req
193. Did you hear the one about the pope
and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat?Copy !req
194. I'll tell you later.Copy !req
195. Whatley.Copy !req
196. What are they doing here?Copy !req
197. Told you we should've
gotten here early.Copy !req
198. All right. Okay, now what are
we going to do?Copy !req
199. All right. Don't panic.Copy !req
200. Let's just decide now.
Which one do you want?Copy !req
201. - I'll take Julie.
- I knew you wanted her.Copy !req
202. - That's who I wanted.
- I'll take Karen.Copy !req
203. You think I'm falling for that?
I'll take Karen.Copy !req
204. Fine. I'll take Julie.Copy !req
205. All right. Which one is Julie?Copy !req
206. I don't know.Copy !req
207. - Why don't we just grab a chair?
- You first.Copy !req
208. No, you first.Copy !req
209. - How you doing?
- Good evening.Copy !req
210. Stop.Copy !req
211. Well, you ladies look lovely tonight.Copy !req
212. So Whatley says to me,
" Hey, I can make Catholic jokes.Copy !req
213. I used to be Catholic."Copy !req
214. Now, see, I don't think it is
a Catholic joke.Copy !req
215. I think it's more
of a Raquel Welch joke.Copy !req
216. What was it?
" No, I said, 'Hand me the buoys."Copy !req
217. " Buoys."Copy !req
218. Don't you see what Whatley is after?Copy !req
219. Total joke-telling immunity.Copy !req
220. He's already got
the big two religions covered.Copy !req
221. if he ever gets Polish citizenship,
there'll be no stopping him.Copy !req
222. So, what are you going to do?Copy !req
223. I think this Father Curtis
might be very interested to hear...Copy !req
224. what Whatley has
the pope doing with Raquel Welch.Copy !req
225. Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine.Copy !req
226. Thought you guys might wanna
have lunch. Give me a call. Bye.Copy !req
227. They're not getting a baby
so you're taking them to lunch.Copy !req
228. I thought it would be nice.Copy !req
229. - Poor Beth.
- Hey, Arnie's just as upset.Copy !req
230. Oh, screw him.Copy !req
231. Listen to this.Copy !req
232. Marcy comes over, tells me her
ex-boyfriend was over late last night...Copy !req
233. and "Yada, yada, yada,
I'm really tired today."Copy !req
234. - What do you think she's tired from?
- Well, obviously the yada yada.Copy !req
235. You don't think she'd yada yada sex?Copy !req
236. I've yada yada-ed sex.Copy !req
237. - Really?
- Yeah. I met this lawyer.Copy !req
238. We went out to dinner.
I had the lobster bisque.Copy !req
239. We went back to my place.
Yada, yada, yada...Copy !req
240. I never heard from him again.Copy !req
241. But you yada yada-ed
over the best part.Copy !req
242. No, I mentioned the bisque.Copy !req
243. Well, I gotta do something.Copy !req
244. Well, I gotta do something.Copy !req
245. George is already in there.Copy !req
246. No, Mickey and l.
We can't work it out.Copy !req
247. You know, I'm thinking of asking
that Karen out by myself. She's the one.Copy !req
248. You were leaning toward Julie.Copy !req
249. Well, I was. But the one I thought
was Julie turned out to be Karen.Copy !req
250. Well, it was a hell of a yada yada.Copy !req
251. He's moving to Seattle.
He wanted to say goodbye.Copy !req
252. I was just getting out of the shower
and yada, yada, yada—Copy !req
253. All right. Enough. Enough.Copy !req
254. From now on, no more yada yadas.
Just give me the full story.Copy !req
255. Okay. Well...Copy !req
256. when I got out of the shower,
I was dripping—Copy !req
257. Not that story. Another story.Copy !req
258. Tell me about the free facial.Copy !req
259. Okay, well, like I said,
I was on Third Avenue...Copy !req
260. and I stopped by
a large department store.Copy !req
261. - Which one?
- Bloomingdale's.Copy !req
262. Very good. Go on.Copy !req
263. - And— Oh, I stole a Piaget watch.
- What's that?Copy !req
264. And then I was on such a high...Copy !req
265. that I went upstairs
to the salon on the fifth floor...Copy !req
266. and got a massage and a facial
and skipped out on the bill.Copy !req
267. Shoplifting.Copy !req
268. Well, what about you?
You told me that you were engaged.Copy !req
269. What was the rest of that?Copy !req
270. Excuse me, Mother?Copy !req
271. - Sister.
- Sister. Right.Copy !req
272. Do you know when
Father Curtis has office hours?Copy !req
273. Well, not until tomorrow.Copy !req
274. I really need to speak with him.Copy !req
275. You know, that's a kneeler.Copy !req
276. Tell me your sins, my son.Copy !req
277. Well, I should mention
that I'm Jewish.Copy !req
278. - Oh, that's no sin.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
279. Anyway, I wanted to talk
to you about Dr. Whatley.Copy !req
280. I have a suspicion...Copy !req
281. that he's converted
to Judaism purely for the jokes.Copy !req
282. And this offends you
as a Jewish person?Copy !req
283. No, it offends me as a comedian.Copy !req
284. And it'll interest you to know
that he's also telling Catholic jokes.Copy !req
285. - Well—
- And, I mean, they're old jokes.Copy !req
286. I mean, the pope
and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.Copy !req
287. I haven't heard that one.Copy !req
288. Oh, I'm sure you have.
They're out on the ocean...Copy !req
289. and yada, yada, yada and she—Copy !req
290. And she says, "Those aren't buoys."Copy !req
291. - Father.
- One second.Copy !req
292. Well, if it would make you feel better,
I could speak to Dr. Whatley.Copy !req
293. I have to go back and have
a wisdom tooth removed.Copy !req
294. Good luck.
You know the difference...Copy !req
295. between a dentist
and a sadist, don't you?Copy !req
296. Newer magazines.Copy !req
297. That's funny.Copy !req
298. Now if you would excuse me.Copy !req
299. Jerry, I gotta talk to you.Copy !req
300. - Hi.
- Hi, Kramer.Copy !req
301. Got a minute?Copy !req
302. Actually, my parents are over,
but would you like to meet them?Copy !req
303. - Yeah.
- Mom, Dad.Copy !req
304. Hi.Copy !req
305. Elaine, I have to ask you
about something.Copy !req
306. - What?
- The yada yada.Copy !req
307. - Yada yada?
- What exactly happened down there?Copy !req
308. Well, I don't know.
I mean, I talked to him...Copy !req
309. and blah, blah, blah.
He asked about you guys and:Copy !req
310. More questions. Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
311. All right. Shut up.Copy !req
312. Shut up? Again you are telling me
to shut up?Copy !req
313. - What?
- You yelled at me...Copy !req
314. that time at the movies.Copy !req
315. That's why you're not
getting the baby.Copy !req
316. And you told that to the adoption guy?Copy !req
317. - Slipped out.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
318. What am I gonna tell Beth?Copy !req
319. Well, Arnie, look, I'll go down
and talk to this adoption guy...Copy !req
320. and make sure
it all gets straightened out.Copy !req
321. - Just don't screw it up this time!
- See, again you're yelling.Copy !req
322. Not a fan of the yelling.Copy !req
323. Are you about done?Copy !req
324. Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.Copy !req
325. Because I'm just a sadist
with newer magazines.Copy !req
326. Father Curtis told me your little joke.
I really didn't appreciate it.Copy !req
327. Well, what about
all your Jewish jokes?Copy !req
328. I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist.Copy !req
329. You have no idea what my people
have been through.Copy !req
330. - The Jews?
- No, the dentists.Copy !req
331. You know, we have the highest
suicide rate of any profession.Copy !req
332. Is that why it's so hard
to get an appointment?Copy !req
333. So I'll... I'll see you
tonight, huh? Okay.Copy !req
334. - Date with Karen?
- No, Julie.Copy !req
335. - She's the one.
- What happened to Karen?Copy !req
336. Well, Mickey and her have more
in common. Her parents are little people.Copy !req
337. Oh, small world.Copy !req
338. So little people can have
" non-little-people" children?Copy !req
339. Oh, yeah, and vice versa.Copy !req
340. Yeah, Mother Nature's
a mad scientist, Jerry.Copy !req
341. So you won't believe
what happened with Whatley.Copy !req
342. It got back to him that I made this little
dentist joke and he got all offended.Copy !req
343. Those people can be so touchy.Copy !req
344. - "Those people." Listen to yourself.
- What?Copy !req
345. You think that dentists
are so different from me and you?Copy !req
346. They came to this country just like
everybody else in search of a dream.Copy !req
347. - Whatley's from Jersey.
- Yes, and now...Copy !req
348. he's a full-fledged American.Copy !req
349. Kramer, he's just a dentist.Copy !req
350. Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.Copy !req
351. I am not an anti-dentite.Copy !req
352. You're a rabid anti-dentite.Copy !req
353. Oh, it starts with a few jokes
and some slurs:Copy !req
354. " Hey, denty."Copy !req
355. Next thing you know, you're saying
they should have their own schools.Copy !req
356. - They do have their own schools.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
357. Oh, come on. One little baby,
whatever you have in stock.Copy !req
358. - Miss Benes, please.
- Lookit, lookit, Brian.Copy !req
359. These people
are getting a baby, period.Copy !req
360. Now, we can do this the easy way...Copy !req
361. or we can do this...Copy !req
362. the fun way.Copy !req
363. I'm sorry to bother you.
But you always said...Copy !req
364. - ... you'd be there for me.
- What's wrong?Copy !req
365. - I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.
- Talk to me.Copy !req
366. He met with Elaine,
and I asked him what happened.Copy !req
367. And he yada yada-ed me.Copy !req
368. Could they be having an affair?Copy !req
369. I wouldn't put anything past anybody.Copy !req
370. But we just got married.Copy !req
371. Well, obviously, that was a mistake.Copy !req
372. You need to forget about Arnie.
The important thing is you're moving on.Copy !req
373. Why would Elaine do that to me?Copy !req
374. Forget about Elaine.
Let's just focus on us.Copy !req
375. - Come on, big hug.
- Hey, Jerry.Copy !req
376. Where's Kramer?
I've got exciting news.Copy !req
377. - I'm in the middle of something.
- Karen and I getting married.Copy !req
378. Oh, congratulations.
Her marriage just fell apart.Copy !req
379. - How many is that for you?
- Two.Copy !req
380. You're a lightweight.
Come on, honey.Copy !req
381. This church give you any ideas?Copy !req
382. - Hey, Jerry.
- Hey.Copy !req
383. What are you doing here with Beth?Copy !req
384. Beth and Arnie broke up.Copy !req
385. So they don't want a baby?Copy !req
386. I think I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
387. Hey, where's Marcy?Copy !req
388. She went shopping
for some shoes for the wedding...Copy !req
389. and yada, yada, yada,
I'll see her in six to eight months.Copy !req
390. - Hey, Kramer, over here.
- I'd just as soon not sit next to you.Copy !req
391. Kramer.Copy !req
392. - Look, there's Mickey and his parents.
- Oh, a nice-looking family.Copy !req
393. Very handsome.Copy !req
394. How you doing?Copy !req
395. Hey, Kramer.Copy !req
396. You must be so proud.Copy !req
397. We never thought he'd settle down.Copy !req
398. Well, not again.Copy !req
399. Oh, Mickey. Excuse me.
I can't take this.Copy !req
400. Hi, Mr. Abbott.Copy !req
401. That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S.Copy !req
402. Tim Whatley was one of my students.Copy !req
403. And if this wasn't
my son's wedding day...Copy !req
404. I'd knock your teeth out,
you anti-dentite bastard.Copy !req
405. What was that all about?Copy !req
406. Oh, I said something about dentists,
and it got blown all out of proportion.Copy !req
407. Hey, what do you call a doctor
who fails out of med school?Copy !req
408. - What?
- A dentist.Copy !req
409. - That's a good one.
- Yeah.Copy !req
410. - Dentists.
- Yeah, who needs them?Copy !req
411. Not to mention
the blacks and the Jews.Copy !req
412. - Where's Beth?
- She ran out to get her head shaved.Copy !req
413. We are gathered here today
to unite this couple...Copy !req
414. in the bonds of holy matrimony.Copy !req
415. Those wisdom teeth
are tough to get out.Copy !req
416. Marriage is not an institution
to be entered into lightly.Copy !req
417. Yada, yada, yada.
I pronounce you man and wife.Copy !req
418. I really wanted you.Copy !req