Seinfeld 8x15

Directed by Andy Ackerman

Richard Herd as Wilhelm • Lee Arenberg as Mike Moffitt • Shannon Kenny as Allison • Jane Edith Wilson as Woman • George Adams as Mourner

Kramer becomes the spokesman for a woman George wants to avoid; Jerry's bookie welches; a co-worker mistakes Elaine for someone else, who's reported as a problem worker.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much do you think I could charge a night?

2. - Here or in Japan? - What's the difference?

3. Well, the Japanese are more enlightened.

4. They can see beyond the physical.

5. Forget Japan. How much would you pay?

6. Oh, I don't know. A dollar.

7. I think I'm worth at least 300.

8. I don't think so.

9. - Hey, that's for all night. - I know.

10. - You're demeaning me. - You're a gigolo.

11. Well, you hired me. I'm the victim here.

12. Did I force you into this life?

13. Yes. You and every woman like you.

14. - Look how dark it's getting already. - It's not daylight-savings time yet.

15. When does it start?

16. Don't know. They tell you the night before.

17. Well, I'm sick of waiting.

18. I am springing ahead right now.

19. Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.

20. Oh, God, it's Mike Moffet.

21. Don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony.

22. Jerry, that was five years ago.

23. I'm not a phony. I don't want anything to do with this guy.

24. Mike! Mike.

25. Kramer, Jerry, how's it going?

26. Fine. And I'm not just saying that.

27. Guess what. I just started my own business. I'm a bookie.

28. No openings in arson?

29. Either of you guys wanna place a bet, I'm your guy.

30. No, no, no. No bets for me. I got a disease.

31. I'm feeling a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years.

32. Jerry's still mad about that phony thing?

33. Are you kidding? It's all water near a bridge.

34. - Oh, what time do you got? - Oh, yes.

35. - It's almost 6. - Whoa, I'm really late.

36. These designs look great.

37. - Peggy, you really saved me. - It was no problem.

38. - Mr. Peterman is gonna love them. - Thanks, Susie.

39. You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving, she calls me Susie.

40. I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe.

41. What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?

42. - Who are you describing? - Someone I know.

43. - Named Sharon? - I'd rather not say.

44. Hey.

45. - What's in the bag? - New tuxedo for the Pinstripe Ball.

46. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green.

47. Kind of a Yankee prom?

48. It's not a prom. It's a ball.

49. - You taking Allison? - Yes, of course I'm taking Allison.

50. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball.

51. - Tall, blond, lithe. - Live?

52. - Lithe. - Live?

53. - Lithe. - Oh, lithe.

54. - Well, you two will have a great time. - It can't be worse than this.

55. Wait till you see the dress that she's got. It's backless.

56. I'm finally gonna make a great entrance.

57. Backless? You gonna back her in?

58. Elaine, when a woman makes a ball entrance, she twirls.

59. - She's not gonna twi... - She'll twirl.

60. That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants.

61. He wants everyone to twirl around.

62. - All right. - Great.

63. Hey, did you get your boss's Knick ticket for Kramer?

64. - Yeah, here. - Great.

65. - Say, George... - Oh, courtside.

66. Is that the best you could do?

67. - George, we need to talk. - What?

68. I really think we need to talk.

69. - She wants to talk? - She doesn't want to.

70. - She needs to talk. - Nobody needs to talk.

71. Who would want to?

72. - She tried to end it with me, Jerry. - What did you do?

73. I told her I was out of soda. I went out to get some, and I never went back.

74. - All night? - Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.

75. - And she wants to break up with you. - Can you believe it?

76. I'm supposed to be having lunch with her now at Pomodoro.

77. Everybody breaks up at Pomodoros.

78. - So, what am I gonna do? - You really like this girl.

79. No, I like the ball.

80. This is my one chance to make a great entrance.

81. My whole life, I've never made a great entrance.

82. You've made some fine exits.

83. So, what? You can't keep avoiding her.

84. Why not?

85. If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.

86. And if we're still going out, she has to go to the ball.

87. Hey. Oh, listen, did you get my ticket from Allison?

88. - Right here. - All right.

89. Courtside.

90. Don't let this girl get away.

91. She'll have to find me first.

92. Oh, by the way, you owe Mike $100.

93. - What for? - I bet for you on tonight's game.

94. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than 35, it pays 10-1.

95. That's some sweet action.

96. But I don't want any sweet action.

97. Well, I couldn't do it. I got a gambling problem.

98. So you put down my money?

99. You don't have a problem.

100. Not with that, no.

101. Susie.

102. Susie.

103. Hi, Peggy.

104. Look, I should have said this yesterday...

105. Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes?

106. You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt.

107. She practically ran the company into the ground.

108. Well, I thought she did a pretty good job.

109. I heard she was a disaster, Suz.

110. Lookit. It's not Suz, all right?

111. It's Susie.

112. My name is Susie.

113. Believe it or not George isn't at home

114. Please leave a message At the beep

115. I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone

116. Where could I be?

117. Believe it or not, I'm not home

118. Pick up. I know you're screening for Allison.

119. - Hey. - So coffee shop?

120. No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure.

121. Hey, I got another call coming in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye.

122. Believe it or not George isn't at home

123. Please leave a message At the beep

124. I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone

125. Where could I be?

126. Believe it or not, I'm not home

127. George, are you there?

128. I hate that stupid message.

129. I know you're avoiding me. I'm at the office.

130. Please call me. I've gotta talk to you.

131. Hi, Allison.

132. Oh, I guess you're not at home.

133. I probably should have tried you at the office.

134. Anyway, good to hear from you.

135. Really looking forward to the ball.

136. Can you believe this woman?

137. The nerve. Talking about you behind your back, and right to your face.

138. No. Suz.

139. I mean, Susie, Suzanne, Susanna. Fine.

140. But there is no way I'm gonna be a Suz.

141. No. No Suz.

142. I mean, what am I? Some pom-pom waving, back-seat bimbo?

143. - Who are you describing? - Someone.

144. - Named Suz? - No, still Sharon.

145. - Hey. - Hey, I thought you went to the game.

146. No, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players.

147. - Wait. Wait. Wait. Who? - Reggie Miller.

148. - Cheryl Miller's brother? - Yeah.

149. Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Wait. Wait. What happened?

150. Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour late.

151. And, I don't know, I was sitting next to Spike Lee.

152. He and Reggie were jawing at each other. I got involved.

153. Wait. Wait. Wait. What do you mean, "involved"?

154. Well, I ran out onto the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller.

155. Involved.

156. Then they threw me and Reggie and Spike out of the game.

157. So that's it?

158. Well, you know, I felt pretty bad about everything.

159. Then the three of us went to a strip club.

160. Can you believe that?

161. I didn't know Cheryl Miller's little brother played basketball.

162. Knicks killed them, 110-73.

163. Well, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout.

164. No, Jerry, that's 37 points.

165. The Knicks covered. You won.

166. See, that's a cool G, daddy-o. Now, you gotta let it ride.

167. - On what? - Jerry, I don't wanna lose this feeling.

168. Let's go to the OTB, put money on the ponies.

169. Yeah, all right.

170. - They just closed. - Oh, too bad.

171. Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me?

172. Apparently Peggy down in Design...

173. got into a little bit of a tiff yesterday with somebody named Susie.

174. - Susie. - Yes.

175. And between you, me and the lamppost, and the desk...

176. Peggy says this Suz isn't much of a worker.

177. It's Susie.

178. Nevertheless, Elaine, the house of Peterman is in disorder.

179. First thing tomorrow morning, I wanna see you, Peggy and Susie...

180. right here in my office.

181. All of us?

182. Allison, hi.

183. Listen, I'm sorry about what happened at the game last night.

184. Could I have that ticket tonight?

185. The Rockets are in town and that Hakeem Olajuwon...

186. he's got a real attitude.

187. Kramer, have you seen George around?

188. - I can't get ahold of him. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

189. Well, he visits the guy across the hall from me like every 10 minutes.

190. Believe it or not George isn't at home

191. Hey, Jerry.

192. Hey, Mike. How about those Knicks?

193. How about them?

194. - Look, Jerry, I can't pay you. - Why not?

195. - Because I don't have the money. - Mike, you say you're a bookie...

196. you take a bet and then you can't pay.

197. I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say, phony.

198. Just give me till Friday. Please, please?

199. You know, you're supposed to be the bookie.

200. - Act like one. - I'm sorry.

201. Here, let me give you a hand with that.

202. - There's something wrong this trunk. - Oh, let me see.

203. So, Kramer, why'd you ask me out to dinner?

204. And why Pomodoro?

205. How could you say that to me?

206. Allison spoke to me and she wanted me to speak to you.

207. Now, we all know that this relationship isn't working.

208. So Allison and I think that the best thing to do is just make a clean break.

209. Can't we discuss this?

210. We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship.

211. I didn't even know you wanted to get serious.

212. So, what am I in this for?

213. You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more...

214. than just a good time.

215. - Are you? - What, me?

216. No, no.

217. But she is.

218. I can't believe this is happening.

219. George, we're sorry.

220. We're through.

221. Kramer, please.

222. I'm sorry.

223. Mr. Peterman, Peggy.

224. I guess we should just get this over with.

225. Just hold on a minute.

226. We're still one short.

227. No, we're not.

228. Susie has been very rude to me.

229. Well, Elaine has nothing but good things to say about Susie.

230. Look.

231. We don't have to name names or point fingers...

232. or name names.

233. Me and her have had our problems. She and I have had our problems.

234. You and I and she and you.

235. Don't you drag me into this.

236. This is between you and her and her.

237. Yes. And I am convinced that if she were here with us today...

238. she would agree with me too.

239. - Who? - Her.

240. - Where is she? - This is part of the problem.

241. I thought I was part of this problem.

242. You're a huge part of the problem.

243. But I think that at its core...

244. this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem...

245. that requires a Susie-and-Elaine solution.

246. And who better to do that than...

247. Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine.

248. Well, now that we have that cleared up...

249. why don't the three of us have lunch?

250. What?

251. Oh, I'm coming.

252. I gotta go.

253. She is the best.

254. What was your name again?

255. Mike's outside. He wants to talk.

256. Then why doesn't he just come in?

257. - Because he's scared, Jerry. - Why is he scared?

258. Come on, Mike.

259. - Did you do this? - Yeah, but...

260. - You broke his thumbs. - It was an accident.

261. Is that what you call it when somebody doesn't pay up?

262. I'll get the money. I got a hundred in my pocket if you wanna reach in.

263. I don't want it that way.

264. Okay, how about Mike fixes your trunk, we call it even, nobody has to get hurt.

265. - Fine. - Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

266. I won't forget this. I'm gonna fix your trunk good. Real good.

267. See, that was nice, Jerry.

268. Oh, by the way, I broke your trunk.

269. It's just a car.

270. - Hi. - Hi.

271. - It's funny running into you here. - Yeah. Yeah.

272. It's funny.

273. You look good.

274. Do I? Thanks.

275. - You too. - Oh, yeah.

276. It's getting kind of late. I really have to be going.

277. - Yeah. - So it's nice seeing you again.

278. Hey, you know, maybe I'll call you sometime.

279. George, it's over. It's just...

280. It's over.

281. What do you think, Jerry?

282. I don't know, I just see you guys together.

283. Stupid thumbs.

284. Somebody help. Help!

285. So Peterman bought it?

286. I can't believe you got away with that.

287. Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

288. Yeah, I know how you feel.

289. Help!

290. - You hear something? - What?

291. Jerry.

292. Jerry.

293. Oh, the trunk's broken. It's rattling.

294. Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

295. They're starting to give Susie assignments now.

296. Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her.

297. What?

298. Get rid of Susie.

299. Make her disappear.

300. - But I kind of like her. - She's gone.

301. - Jerry. - Gone.

302. The bumper sticker.

303. Oh, God, I'm in trouble.

304. Kramer, open up. I know you're in there.

305. George?

306. Come on. It's 5:00 in the morning. What's the matter with you?

307. It's only 4.

308. I've been walking around all night.

309. I've been thinking about Allison and me and you.

310. Come on, George.

311. Please, give me another chance.

312. I know I'm gonna regret this.

313. All right.

314. Thank you.

315. - I'm gonna make you both so happy. - Okay. All right. I'll see you later.

316. Elaine, where's Susie?

317. I want her to head up our new fingerless-glove division.

318. I thought I was in line for that assignment.

319. No.

320. All right, then, I was gonna wait to tell you this...

321. but last night, Susie...

322. She took her own life.

323. - We're taking George back. - What?

324. He's gonna make us very happy.

325. Look at this turnout.

326. Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people?

327. My real funeral's not gonna come close to this.

328. Oh, my God.

329. Susie?

330. I'm not Susie. I'm Elaine.

331. - But I've been calling you Susie. - Hadn't noticed. Excuse me.

332. I guess I never met Susie.

333. Suz?

334. I actually had a little thing with her for a while.

335. Her too.

336. What can you say about a girl like Susie?

337. Hey.

338. - Where's Allison? - No, Allison, she didn't wanna come.

339. But you took me back.

340. Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut.

341. How do you like the tuxedo?

342. It's a rental, but I've had it for 15 years.

343. - All right. - Where are you going?

344. The ball, silly.

345. No, no, no. You're not going in there.

346. George, I thought you were gonna change.

347. For her, not for you.

348. Let's just try and have a nice time for once.

349. We'll talk about this when we get home.

350. All right, look. Wait. Wait. Kramer. Wait a minute. You are not going in.

351. What an entrance.

352. - And who might this be? - Oh, I'm with him. Yeah.

353. And also much like me, Susie hated going to the market.

354. - Elaine, may I say a few words? - Oh, God, yes, Mr. Peterman.

355. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie.

356. And most of all, I will never forget that one night...

357. working late on the catalog...

358. just the two of us, and we surrendered to temptation.

359. And it was pretty good.

360. Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of them.

361. But I never heard her cries for help...

362. and now Susie is gone.

363. Hold on!

364. Susie didn't commit suicide.

365. She was murdered...

366. by Jerry Seinfeld!

367. Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

368. Elaine, guess what.

369. I've decided to form a charitable foundation in Susie's honor...

370. and as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.

371. Mr. Peterman...

372. I'm Susie.

373. She's me.

374. I feel the same way.

375. And that's why this foundation will meet around your schedule.

376. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have.

377. Suz!