1. - Who is the last president to have a beard?
- Nixon.Copy !req
2. - No, I mean a real thick beard.
- His was thick.Copy !req
3. No, I mean like a full, long beard,
like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.Copy !req
4. Falkmore.Copy !req
5. - Who?
- Artemis N. Falkmore.Copy !req
6. - You made that up, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
7. - But it sounds like a president name?
- Yeah.Copy !req
8. Why do presidents all
have bad names?Copy !req
9. Woodrow, Grover, Millard.Copy !req
10. The presidency attracts
the badly named.Copy !req
11. Their ambition is based on
personal insecurity.Copy !req
12. It's classic male overcompensation.Copy !req
13. Are you wearing lifts
in those shoes?Copy !req
14. Cab.Copy !req
15. So they have this clock now,
where you punch in your age...Copy !req
16. and all your risk factors...Copy !req
17. and it actually counts down
how much time you have left to live.Copy !req
18. What's the great moment?
On your deathbed.Copy !req
19. They're pounding on your chest,
and you're going: "Ten, nine, eight...Copy !req
20. I told you this thing was good."Copy !req
21. - I can't believe this is our first date.
- I know. Dessert?Copy !req
22. I suppose I have to get
a piece of cake.Copy !req
23. - Why?
- Today is my birthday.Copy !req
24. What? Today?Copy !req
25. - Really?
- Yep.Copy !req
26. So she went out with you
on a first date and it was her birthday?Copy !req
27. Yeah, and she picked the day.Copy !req
28. Is she socially...Copy !req
29. awkward?Copy !req
30. No, she's great.Copy !req
31. - She's attractive and fun.
- Well, maybe she decided...Copy !req
32. to celebrate her birthday on
the Monday after the weekend.Copy !req
33. She's not Lincoln.Copy !req
34. Hey.Copy !req
35. Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?Copy !req
36. - I'll pass.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
37. Hey, George. Pizza.Copy !req
38. I can't. I gotta go down
to the foundation.Copy !req
39. I'm interviewing high schoolers
for the Susan Ross Scholarship.Copy !req
40. Does it ever bother you
that this organization...Copy !req
41. - Nope.
- is beating the bushes...Copy !req
42. - No.
- to basically give this money away...Copy !req
43. - No.
- to virtually anyone...Copy !req
44. as long as they're not you?Copy !req
45. I'm fine with it.Copy !req
46. Fine, I say.Copy !req
47. And then I received a 740
on the English Achievement Test.Copy !req
48. Quick, what's your favorite animal?Copy !req
49. I don't know. Frog?Copy !req
50. Frog?Copy !req
51. - Well, I...
- Frog is wrong.Copy !req
52. I see here that you play the harp.Copy !req
53. Tell me, why do they have to tilt it?Copy !req
54. Can't they just build it on an angle?Copy !req
55. Save you a lot of trouble.Copy !req
56. Well, the modern-day harp has been
refined over thousands of years...Copy !req
57. - back to...
- Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know.Copy !req
58. I see your GPA is 4.0.Copy !req
59. You like that, don't you?Copy !req
60. So, Steven, I see you're
president of the chess club.Copy !req
61. State champs.Copy !req
62. Who's your favorite chess player?Copy !req
63. Nastercoff?Copy !req
64. Right.Copy !req
65. Nastercoff.Copy !req
66. What country is he from again?Copy !req
67. I don't know.Copy !req
68. I made it up.Copy !req
69. I'm never gonna get this thing.Copy !req
70. What are you telling me for?Copy !req
71. You really had me going there.Copy !req
72. Come on, sit down.Copy !req
73. What do you want to do
when you grow up?Copy !req
74. Well, I've been telling people
that I'd like to be an architect.Copy !req
75. So get this, Mr. Peterman is finally
letting me do some real writing.Copy !req
76. He's got this book deal
for his autobiography.Copy !req
77. He's gonna let me ghostwrite it.Copy !req
78. Wow, that's great.
When it comes out...Copy !req
79. I'll have to get someone
to ghost-read it.Copy !req
80. - Hey. Oh, hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
81. - Hey.
- So there I am at Lorenzo's...Copy !req
82. Ioading up my slice
at the fixings bar.Copy !req
83. Garlic and whatnot.Copy !req
84. When I see this guy over at
the pizza boxes...Copy !req
85. giving me the stink eye.Copy !req
86. So I give him the crook eye back,
you know?Copy !req
87. And I notice that he's not alone.Copy !req
88. I'm taking on
the entire Van Buren Boys.Copy !req
89. - Van Buren Boys?
- Yeah.Copy !req
90. There's a street gang named after
President Martin Van Buren?Copy !req
91. Oh, yeah, and they're
just as mean as he was.Copy !req
92. So I make a move to
the door, you know?Copy !req
93. They block it.Copy !req
94. So I lunge for the bathroom.
I grab the knob.Copy !req
95. Occupied.Copy !req
96. Then they back me up
against the cartoon map of Italy...Copy !req
97. and all of a sudden they just stop.Copy !req
98. What? What happened?Copy !req
99. Because I'm still holding
the garlic shaker, like this:Copy !req
100. I'm only showing eight fingers.Copy !req
101. - Well, what does that mean?
- That's their secret sign.Copy !req
102. See, Van Buren, he was
the eighth president.Copy !req
103. They thought I was
a former Van B Boy.Copy !req
104. - How was the pizza?
- It was a little oily.Copy !req
105. Jerry, can you hold on a sec?
I just wanna check my messages.Copy !req
106. Oh, Melissa, Kim.Copy !req
107. - Ellen.
- Hey. I want you to meet Jerry.Copy !req
108. Oh, we've heard a lot about you.Copy !req
109. It is so sweet of you to take her out.Copy !req
110. Yeah, you don't even know
how much she needs this.Copy !req
111. Is she coming off a bad breakup?Copy !req
112. No.Copy !req
113. See you.Copy !req
114. - Get your messages?
- Yeah. No one called.Copy !req
115. They acted like it was some
act of charity, going out with her.Copy !req
116. So she's the loser of the group.Copy !req
117. Every group has someone
that they all make fun of.Copy !req
118. Like us with Elaine.Copy !req
119. There's no way Ellen
is the loser of that group.Copy !req
120. Are you looking deep down
at the real person underneath?Copy !req
121. No, I'm being as superficial
as I possibly can.Copy !req
122. - Well, stick with it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
123. - I think I may have found someone for the scholarship.
- Yeah?Copy !req
124. I'm interviewing all these
annoying little overachievers...Copy !req
125. and finally this kid walks in,
Steven Koren, a regular guy.Copy !req
126. Likes sports, watches TV.Copy !req
127. - Is he smart?
- He knows how to read.Copy !req
128. And he also knows that finishing
an entire book doesn't prove anything.Copy !req
129. But get this:Copy !req
130. He's into architecture.Copy !req
131. Hey, just like you pretend to be.Copy !req
132. Yes, with a little guidance...Copy !req
133. Steven Koren is going to be
everything I claim to be, only for real.Copy !req
134. That's my dream, Jerry.Copy !req
135. I had a dream last night
that a hamburger was eating me.Copy !req
136. Mr. Peterman, thanks
for having me over. I...Copy !req
137. Your place isn't quite
what I imagined.Copy !req
138. Oh, it's just a place to flop.Copy !req
139. Well, what part of your life
do you want to start with?Copy !req
140. Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?Copy !req
141. Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that
in the catalog, ad nauseam.Copy !req
142. No, I would like this book
to be about my day-to-day life.Copy !req
143. Oh, damn, they changed
the cable stations again...Copy !req
144. just when I finally
memorized them.Copy !req
145. - Well, Mr. Peterman, do you want to...?
- Two: CBS.Copy !req
146. - Get started?
- Three...Copy !req
147. I don't know what that is.Copy !req
148. Where's my damn preview channel?Copy !req
149. Well, I gotta tell you, Mr. Peterman...Copy !req
150. I don't know if I see
a whole book here.Copy !req
151. Well, I'm sure we'll
come up with something.Copy !req
152. What do you say you and l
order ourselves a pie?Copy !req
153. Do you like Lorenzo's?Copy !req
154. A friend of mine almost got beat up
at that place by the Van Buren Boys.Copy !req
155. - You don't say?
- Yeah.Copy !req
156. The only thing that saved
him is...Copy !req
157. he accidentally flashed
their secret gang sign.Copy !req
158. - Well, that's pretty exciting.
- Yeah.Copy !req
159. Let's put that in the book.Copy !req
160. But that didn't happen to you.Copy !req
161. Well, so we pay off your friend,
and it becomes a Peterman.Copy !req
162. No, I really don't think
you can do that.Copy !req
163. Oh, damn, I forgot to buy
plant food again.Copy !req
164. I'll bet I got a coupon for it.Copy !req
165. You know what?
Maybe I better talk to my friend.Copy !req
166. Is that the same outfit
you were wearing yesterday?Copy !req
167. No, this is brand-new.
Do you like it?Copy !req
168. Actually, yeah.Copy !req
169. Wait a second.
Is that the fork that fell on the floor?Copy !req
170. Are you using the fork
that fell on the floor?Copy !req
171. No, Jerry, the waitress
gave me another one.Copy !req
172. I guess that's all right.Copy !req
173. - Is something wrong, Jerry?
- No, absolutely nothing.Copy !req
174. You're fantastic.Copy !req
175. - Hey, guys.
- Hey.Copy !req
176. Kramer, George, this is Ellen.Copy !req
177. Ladies and gentlemen,
I am happy to introduce you...Copy !req
178. to the first Susan Ross Scholar.Copy !req
179. This...Copy !req
180. is Steven Koren.Copy !req
181. His GPA is a solid 2.0.Copy !req
182. Right in that meaty part
of the curve.Copy !req
183. Not showing off, not falling behind.Copy !req
184. George, the qualifications
for this scholarship...Copy !req
185. were supposed to be
largely academic.Copy !req
186. I'm sure we're all aware
of the flaws...Copy !req
187. and biases of standardized tests.Copy !req
188. These aren't standardized tests.
These are his grades.Copy !req
189. Besides, Steven Koren has
the highest of aspirations.Copy !req
190. He wants to be...Copy !req
191. an architect.Copy !req
192. Is that right?Copy !req
193. Actually, maybe I could set
my sights a little bit higher.Copy !req
194. Steven, nothing is higher
than architect.Copy !req
195. I think I'd really like to be
a city planner.Copy !req
196. Why limit myself to one building
when I can design a whole city?Copy !req
197. - Well, that's a good point.
- No, it's not.Copy !req
198. Isn't an architect just
an art school dropout...Copy !req
199. with a tilting desk and a big ruler?Copy !req
200. It's called a T-square.Copy !req
201. You know, the stupidest guy
in my fraternity became an architect...Copy !req
202. after he flunked
out of dental school.Copy !req
203. Congratulations, young man.Copy !req
204. Susan would be very proud
of what you're doing.Copy !req
205. Thank you.Copy !req
206. And they made it their sign because
Van Buren, our eighth president...Copy !req
207. was the man they most admired.Copy !req
208. Kramer, my friend,
that is one ripping good yarn.Copy !req
209. You know, if you liked that one,
I got more.Copy !req
210. What are you looking for?Copy !req
211. Romance? Comedy? Adventure?Copy !req
212. Erotica?Copy !req
213. No, Kramer, I don't think...Copy !req
214. How much would you take
for the whole lot?Copy !req
215. - My whole life?
- Name your price, man.Copy !req
216. $1500.Copy !req
217. - I'll give you half that.
- Done.Copy !req
218. Kramer, my friend, you consider
Elaine at your disposal.Copy !req
219. Okay.Copy !req
220. Well, I...Copy !req
221. I like to work in the evenings.Copy !req
222. Would you please just get on
with the stupid Bob Sacamano story?Copy !req
223. Well, I'm on the phone with Bob,
and I realize right then and there...Copy !req
224. that I need to return this pair
of pants. So I'm off to the store.Copy !req
225. What happened to Bob Sacamano?Copy !req
226. Well, nothing. His part
of the story is done.Copy !req
227. I'm waiting for the subway.
It's not coming.Copy !req
228. I decided to hoof it
through the tunnel.Copy !req
229. Well, now, that's something.Copy !req
230. I don't know
if I lost track of time or what.Copy !req
231. - The next thing I knew...
- A train is bearing down on you?Copy !req
232. No, I slipped and fell in mud...Copy !req
233. ruining the very pants
I was about to return.Copy !req
234. I don't understand.Copy !req
235. You were wearing the pants
you were returning?Copy !req
236. Well, I guess I was.Copy !req
237. What were you gonna
wear on the way back?Copy !req
238. Elaine, are you listening?Copy !req
239. I didn't even get there.Copy !req
240. - All right. Next story.
- I think I've got enough for one day.Copy !req
241. - Yeah, chew on that.
- I'll chew on that.Copy !req
242. Hey, listen. By the way, I'm hosting
a little get-together tonight...Copy !req
243. in honor of my little
financial upturn.Copy !req
244. Oh, thanks, I've got plans.Copy !req
245. Yeah, Elaine, you should be there
to document it.Copy !req
246. Oh, you're getting together with
some of your jackass friends?Copy !req
247. - You want me to take notes?
- Yeah, but get there after 9.Copy !req
248. You know, give the people
a chance to loosen up.Copy !req
249. So you're denying him the scholarship
because he wants to be a city planner?Copy !req
250. I was betrayed.Copy !req
251. That kid was like a son to me.Copy !req
252. If there's one person
you should be able to hold down...Copy !req
253. it's your own flesh and blood.Copy !req
254. Like my father
and my father's father before him.Copy !req
255. You know, maybe philanthropy
is not your field.Copy !req
256. Hello. Oh, hi, Ellen.
Yeah, I called the hotel.Copy !req
257. - We're set for the weekend.
- Spending the weekend with Ellen?Copy !req
258. Vermont.Copy !req
259. You know, we can stay
an extra couple of days if we want.Copy !req
260. Four days at a beautiful
bed-and-breakfast.Copy !req
261. I can't wait.Copy !req
262. Bye-bye.Copy !req
263. What?Copy !req
264. What is this?Copy !req
265. - You wanna start?
- No, no, no. You go ahead.Copy !req
266. I gotta get my thoughts together.Copy !req
267. Jerry, this whole Ellen situation
has gone far enough.Copy !req
268. - What?
- Jerry, she's a loser.Copy !req
269. Where is this coming from?
She's great.Copy !req
270. Why are you doing this, Jerry?Copy !req
271. Is it your career?
Things are gonna pick up.Copy !req
272. There's nothing wrong
with my career.Copy !req
273. I like the Bloomingdale's
executive training program for him.Copy !req
274. We weren't gonna
discuss that now.Copy !req
275. - It's something he should consider.
- Of course he should.Copy !req
276. - But now is not the time.
- Listen, these issues are interrelated.Copy !req
277. All right. Excuse me.Copy !req
278. I'm not buying any of this.Copy !req
279. So, what are you saying? That we're
wrong? Everybody's wrong but you.Copy !req
280. This is like that Twilight Zone
where the guy wakes up...Copy !req
281. and he's the same,
and everybody else is different.Copy !req
282. - Which one?
- They were all like that.Copy !req
283. Why did you take away
my scholarship, Mr. Costanza?Copy !req
284. Well, Steven, I...Copy !req
285. These are my new friends...Copy !req
286. the Van Buren Boys.Copy !req
287. He became so disillusioned,
he had to join us.Copy !req
288. - Nice.
- I want my scholarship back...Copy !req
289. so I can be a city planner.Copy !req
290. What about architect, Steven?Copy !req
291. City planner.Copy !req
292. - Great party, K-Man.
- You got that straight.Copy !req
293. Elaine, try the beef, because that's
real au jus sauce. Real au jus sauce.Copy !req
294. - I'll make a note of it.
- Hey, Kramer.Copy !req
295. - Yeah.
- Ramirez has never heard your story.Copy !req
296. Oh, okay.Copy !req
297. Well, I had Bob Sacamano
on the phone...Copy !req
298. - and I suddenly realized that I...
- Hey, Kramer, Kramer.Copy !req
299. You can't tell that story now.Copy !req
300. It belongs to Peterman.Copy !req
301. - What do you mean?
- You signed the release.Copy !req
302. - Yeah.
- He sat in mud, not you.Copy !req
303. - But I did sit in mud.
- You didn't.Copy !req
304. You never sat in mud.Copy !req
305. I was all dirty.Copy !req
306. - It never happened, you understand?
- Come on.Copy !req
307. - Hey, all right. Yeah.
- Finish the story?Copy !req
308. Oh, yeah, well, I...
Yeah, the pants... They...Copy !req
309. They... They fit well and so I decided
I wasn't gonna return them.Copy !req
310. - Getting late. We better get going.
- Okay.Copy !req
311. You're gonna go now?Copy !req
312. Hey, whoa. Come...Copy !req
313. I don't...Copy !req
314. Kramer, Kramer, I got big trouble
with the Van Buren Boys.Copy !req
315. - They're tough cookies.
- I heard that you...Copy !req
316. got on their good side.
What did you do?Copy !req
317. Oh, nothing, nothing.Copy !req
318. No, I certainly don't have any stories
if that's what you're implying.Copy !req
319. You know what those guys
are gonna do?Copy !req
320. Yeah, well, you didn't hear it
from me...Copy !req
321. but the Van Buren Boys,
they never hassle their own kind.Copy !req
322. You mean, like a former member?Copy !req
323. These Kramer stories are unusable.Copy !req
324. I mean, some of them
aren't even stories.Copy !req
325. Look, this is the list
of things in his apartment.Copy !req
326. Is my toaster oven on there?Copy !req
327. How am I ever gonna
turn this into a book?Copy !req
328. Well, just shape them, change them.
You're a writer.Copy !req
329. Yes...Copy !req
330. I'm a writer.Copy !req
331. Make them interesting.Copy !req
332. Interesting.Copy !req
333. Of course.Copy !req
334. People love interesting writing.Copy !req
335. Well, I gotta go to the airport.
I'm picking up my parents.Copy !req
336. What? Weren't they just here?Copy !req
337. Yeah, I'm flying them in
to meet Ellen.Copy !req
338. I don't know where to turn.Copy !req
339. - I gotta see what they think of her.
- Maybe we can have dinner later.Copy !req
340. I don't think so. I'm gonna try
to get them to fly right back tonight.Copy !req
341. Oh, hey. Hey, have I told you
about my bunions?Copy !req
342. You're going to love this story.Copy !req
343. So I line up my cold cuts
on the couch next to me...Copy !req
344. but as I'm stacking them up
they keep falling into my footbath.Copy !req
345. Kramer, this is awful.Copy !req
346. We don't wanna hear about this.Copy !req
347. - Damn.
- What?Copy !req
348. Oh, I bought a bunch
of bunion stories from Newman.Copy !req
349. But they all stink.Copy !req
350. - How much did you pay for them?
- Eight bucks.Copy !req
351. I think I'm getting ripped off.Copy !req
352. Newman!Copy !req
353. Well, what didn't you like
about the first chapter?Copy !req
354. Well, it started out nicely.Copy !req
355. I'm returning some pants...Copy !req
356. a very identifiable problem.Copy !req
357. I set off down a train tunnel.Copy !req
358. Now, that's where the story takes
a most unappealing turn.Copy !req
359. Oh, no, no, that's where
it gets interesting.Copy !req
360. Don't you see? The train
is bearing down on you...Copy !req
361. you dive into a side tunnel...Copy !req
362. and you run into a whole band
of underground tunnel dwellers.Copy !req
363. It just seems so clichéd
and obvious.Copy !req
364. It's not interesting writing.Copy !req
365. Yeah, yeah, I know.Copy !req
366. How about if instead
of diving from the train, you...?Copy !req
367. I don't know. You slip
and fall in some mud...Copy !req
368. and ruin your pants?Copy !req
369. The very pants I was returning.Copy !req
370. That's perfect irony.
Elaine, that is interesting writing.Copy !req
371. I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four.Copy !req
372. - Peterman here.
- Mr. Peterson...Copy !req
373. you gotta sell me
my stories back.Copy !req
374. You wanna know something?
I no longer need them.Copy !req
375. No, no, no, Mr. Peterman, why
don't we keep them as a reference.Copy !req
376. Nonsense.Copy !req
377. I have Benes' wonderfully
imaginative mind to spin my stories.Copy !req
378. You take back your tales,
you vagabond.Copy !req
379. There you are, Elaine.
Go forth and create.Copy !req
380. And by the way, when you get to that
chapter about romantic escapades...Copy !req
381. feel free to toss yourself
into the mix.Copy !req
382. Hey, Van B Boys.Copy !req
383. So, Mr. Costanza,
did you get my scholarship back?Copy !req
384. Now, fellas, fellas, easy.Copy !req
385. Wouldn't wanna beat up
on one of your own.Copy !req
386. Is that right?Copy !req
387. Then why don't you
flash us the sign?Copy !req
388. Right.Copy !req
389. The sign.Copy !req
390. That's not the sign.Copy !req
391. It was when I was banging.Copy !req
392. All right...Copy !req
393. if you are really one of us...Copy !req
394. let's see you take the wallet
off the next guy who walks by.Copy !req
395. Love to.Copy !req
396. And after college I got my
master's at the Sorbonne.Copy !req
397. Sorbonne.
Oh, hey, that's in Paris.Copy !req
398. Jerry, your parking meter
is about to expire.Copy !req
399. Don't get up. I've got change.Copy !req
400. - So, what do you think?
- Jerry, she is fantastic.Copy !req
401. I knew it. I'm not crazy.Copy !req
402. She's so sweet.Copy !req
403. And she's got some body on her.Copy !req
404. And smart, like a computer.Copy !req
405. And so much personality.
But it doesn't matter what we think.Copy !req
406. Do you like her?Copy !req
407. Now I'm not so sure.Copy !req
408. She's 10 times better than that
awful Amber girl that you were with.Copy !req
409. Yeah, Amber.
I wonder if she's back from Vegas.Copy !req
410. All right, no more stalling.Copy !req
411. Next one or you're meat.Copy !req
412. All right. All right.Copy !req
413. - Seinfelds.
- Hey, George.Copy !req
414. You gotta do me a favor.Copy !req
415. Give me your wallet.
I'll give it back to you later.Copy !req
416. How are your folks?Copy !req
417. Trying to pick out a new couch.
You don't wanna know.Copy !req
418. Give me your wallet or I'll spill
your guts right here on the street.Copy !req
419. What did you say?Copy !req
420. Come on, hurry up, old man.Copy !req
421. I'm an animal.Copy !req
422. You're being very rude.
Come on, Morty.Copy !req
423. - Please, they're gonna hit me.
- What?Copy !req
424. George Costanza,
what is the matter with you?Copy !req
425. Tell your parents we said hi.Copy !req