Seinfeld 8x13

Directed by David Owen Trainor

Ben Stein as Shellbach • Mark Harelik as Milos • Ivana Miličević as Patty • Joel Polis as Reilly • Danny Strong as Vincent

Kramer arranges to die with dignity; Jerry learns his tennis consultant is a lousy player; George becomes obsessed with responding to an insult long after the fact; Elaine offends her video advisor.

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1. Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard...

2. I don't wanna be the one to tell him no.

3. No one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there.

4. Well, why don't we just put a monitor in the skybox?

5. Hey, George...

6. the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp.

7. "The ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."

8. You got your shrimp.

9. Oh, yes. That's what I should have said.

10. Damn it!

11. "The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp"?

12. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then I said to him:

13. "Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you."

14. Really? That's great. You said that to him?

15. Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.

16. Oh, that's not quite the same.

17. No, no, it's not.

18. You don't know this guy. It would have been so sweet.

19. - I'm gonna grab a can of balls. - All right.

20. Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you?

21. I need a can of balls.

22. A can of balls for the nice guy.

23. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racket, do you?

24. Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?

25. Oh, hey.

26. This Vincent guy, he is the best.

27. He and I have the same taste in movies.

28. Well, Vincent is an art-house goon.

29. I stick to the Gene rack.

30. Gene? Oh, he's so stupid and mainstream.

31. I've seen all of these, so I went with the Kramer pick.

32. The Other Side of Darkness. I never heard of that one.

33. Yeah, it went straight to video.

34. That makes me the premiere.

35. Jerry? Have you ever seen the movie The Other Side of Darkness?

36. - No. - It's about this woman in a coma.

37. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this.

38. "I, Cosmo Kramer...

39. having just seen the movie The Other Side of Darkness...

40. and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie...

41. hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support...

42. feeding machine, lung blower, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."

43. - Can you do that for me? - I don't know if...

44. what you have here constitutes a legally binding document.

45. Well, I'm gonna type it up.

46. Yes, of course, but even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.

47. Yeah, well, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me.

48. I'm not allowed within 200 feet of his office.

49. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present.

50. Oh, hey, new racket, huh?

51. Yeah, I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy, Milos, who runs the pro shop...

52. he really recommended it.

53. In fact, it's the only racket he plays with.

54. You're not gonna need this anymore.

55. Hey, this is the Z page of my address book.

56. Oh, yeah, I put all your Z's on the weights-and-measures page.

57. Bravo, Vincent. Bravo.

58. - What? - Did you enjoy the movie?

59. Who is this?

60. It's Vincent.

61. Of Vincent's picks?

62. The same.

63. He called you?

64. Must have got my number off the computer.

65. We ended up talking for like two hours.

66. To a guy you've never met?

67. Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous.

68. I'm trying to meet him. He's never at the video store.

69. They said he sets his own hours.

70. - Little help! Hey. - Here.

71. Thank you.

72. Oh, my God, that guy is terrible.

73. Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?

74. George used up all my guest passes already.

75. - Come on. - Thank you.

76. Here you go.

77. Milos?

78. Oh, hey. How you doing?

79. Okay. We should wrap it up here.

80. So he's bad. What do you care?

81. Elaine, I paid $200 for this racket...

82. because he said it's the only one he plays with.

83. He could have played just as well with a log.

84. Hey. All right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach.

85. He's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me to be the executor.

86. The executor of what?

87. Kramer wants to die with dignity.

88. There's a feather in your cap.

89. I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out.

90. Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.

91. Did you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?

92. I got another meeting with Reilly...

93. a whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again.

94. Who's Reilly?

95. George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says:

96. "Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."

97. Listen to the comeback:

98. "Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you."

99. What? You gotta be kidding me.

100. How about this one? How about:

101. "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."

102. - What does that mean? - Hey, here you go:

103. "Hey, Reilly, the zoo called. You're due back by 6."

104. No, no, no, you're not helping me.

105. Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll get him.

106. I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.

107. Look, George, just think about it, you know?

108. You're married, how would you feel if somebody says...

109. - they just had sex... - You see?

110. This is why I hate writing with a large group.

111. Everybody has their own opinions, and it all gets homogenized...

112. and you lose the whole edge of it.

113. I'm going with "jerk store." "Jerk store" is the line.

114. Jerk store. Yes.

115. Did you take this out of the garbage?

116. It's still got spring in the strings.

117. Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk.

118. How are you gonna be the executor of my living will?

119. You see, you can't let go.

120. Trust me, Kramer, given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.

121. I wish I could believe you.

122. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?

123. - Me? - Yeah, because you're perfect.

124. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman.

125. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.

126. Oh, come on.

127. Situation number four: You're breathing on your own...

128. you're conscious, but with no muscular function.

129. Well, would I be able to communicate?

130. I don't see how.

131. I don't like the sound of this one.

132. Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh?

133. Yank it like you're starting a mower.

134. Moving on.

135. You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder...

136. but no central nervous system.

137. Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

138. Okay. One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.

139. No, that's not my style.

140. Boring.

141. All right. You can eat, but machines do everything else.

142. I'd stick.

143. Yeah, yeah, stick, because I could still go to the coffee shop.

144. That's right.

145. - Hello, Milos. - Jerry.

146. Thank God you got my message.

147. Thank you so much for coming down here. Listen...

148. You know, I spent $200 on a racket...

149. I thought you knew what you were talking about.

150. You can't even play.

151. Believe me, it is Milos' great shame...

152. but, Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out.

153. How would you like extra year membership on the club?

154. - Free, no charge. - You could do that?

155. Jerry, for you, anything.

156. Game, set and match, huh, Milos?

157. Jerry, I'm so sorry.

158. They tell me there is no way they can do it.

159. Is there anything else I could do for you? Anything at all?

160. I refund your money.

161. Milos, I don't even care about the money.

162. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player...

163. I make it up to you.

164. Yeah, you make it up to me.

165. Tennis, anyone?

166. Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about.

167. The Pain and the Yearning.

168. "An old woman experiences pain and yearning."

169. A hundred and ninety-two minutes?

170. That's a lot of yearning, huh?

171. You know, these movies are great...

172. but they are just so emotionally exhausting.

173. Well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinks.

174. - Really? - Let's see what Dr. Gene prescribes.

175. Oh, here. Weekend at Bernie's II. Now, that's an hilarious premise.

176. - Well... - Yeah, get it.

177. - Yeah, I could use a chuckle. - Yeah.

178. - What are you getting? - Nothing.

179. I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side of Darkness.

180. - How much you got left? - About two hours.

181. Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.

182. Bernie is dead, you morons.

183. Just because he's wearing sunglasses, he looks alive?

184. How long is this weekend, anyway?

185. - Hello? - How's the movie, Elaine?

186. - Vincent? - A Gene pick.

187. How could you? I thought we had something special.

188. No, it doesn't mean anything.

189. I'm not even gonna rewind it.

190. Vincent?

191. All right. Let's get to it.

192. Wait a minute. What about Reilly?

193. Reilly doesn't work here anymore.

194. What? I didn't hear about that.

195. We only wake you up for the important meetings.

196. - Hello. - Hello.

197. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?

198. I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address.

199. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here.

200. Oh, that Milos.

201. Well, what should we do? Care for a cup of coffee?

202. Why don't we just go up to your apartment?

203. All right.

204. Gotta be an easier way.

205. Doctor, how's her coma?

206. Oh, exactly the same.

207. Wait a minute.

208. She's coming out of the coma.

209. Mrs. Albright, can you hear me? Are you okay?

210. I feel so rested and refreshed.

211. Get me a toothbrush.

212. So you play tennis?

213. Enough talk, Jerry.

214. Not for me. I love chatting.

215. No, no, I can't do this.

216. I can't go through with this, not even for him.

217. - Who? - Milos, my husband.

218. Your husband?

219. And so concerned was he that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out...

220. he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of medieval sexual payola.

221. He's new around here.

222. So details.

223. Well, I didn't sleep with her.

224. Because of society, right?

225. Yes, George, because of society.

226. So how did the big meeting turn out?

227. Reilly is no longer with the club. Can you believe that?

228. You're better off. Now you can just let it go.

229. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna let it go.

230. You never had the right comeback, anyway.

231. Are you insane?

232. "Jerk store" would have smoked that guy.

233. Smoked him, I say.

234. Oh, Jerry, listen.

235. I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side of Darkness.

236. The coma lady wakes up at the end.

237. Oh, I wanted to see that. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

238. I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.

239. I didn't know it was possible not to know that.

240. How was Eric Roberts as the husband?

241. Oh, unforgettable.

242. I gotta find Elaine. You know, she's gonna pull my plug.

243. What? "Betrayed"?

244. Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry.

245. Hey, hey, listen, Elaine, I changed my mind about the whole coma thing.

246. Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.

247. Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?

248. Excuse me.

249. What are you doing?

250. Vincent stopped making picks.

251. Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?

252. We have a wide variety of Gene picks.

253. Gene's trash.

254. I'm Gene.

255. Hi.

256. Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone...

257. about your unbelievably bad tennis playing.

258. Thank you, but unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry.

259. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.

260. I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.

261. Patty, she... She loves tennis as much like I do.

262. Would you...? Will you let me beat you in tennis?

263. That is the only way I can show her that I'm still a man.

264. I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around.

265. I mean, I wanna be a man too.

266. So you hurt Vincent's feelings?

267. Look what came in the mail today.

268. What's this?

269. It's the play button off his VCR.

270. Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth.

271. So guess where Mr. Ocean Phone turned up.

272. He's working for Firestone in Akron, Ohio.

273. - Ohio? - Yup.

274. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.

275. You're flying to Akron just to zing a guy?

276. Don't you understand? It's not about him.

277. To have a line as perfect as "jerk store" and to never use it.

278. I couldn't live with myself.

279. See, there are no jerk stores.

280. It's just a little confusing, is all.

281. It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it.

282. And I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience.

283. Not you.

284. Oh, these brittle bones.

285. How I long to be rid of the pain.

286. - Hello. - Elaine, it's Vincent.

287. Vincent. Where are you? I have to meet you.

288. No, I can't bear to have anyone see me.

289. Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does.

290. You're strange and beautiful and sensitive.

291. - Now, let's have a look at you. - All right.

292. But can you bring me a few things from the store?

293. I haven't been out in a while.

294. Well, go around, you bunch of crazies.

295. Maniacs are gonna get us all killed.

296. Hi, can I help you?

297. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm Cosmo Kramer.

298. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will.

299. Oh, Mr. Kramer, you had a 10:30 appointment. It's 2:00.

300. Mr. Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day.

301. - Too good. - Another game for Milos!

302. You're on fire today.

303. Hey, Patty, look at this guy. He's awful.

304. He's not a man, this Jerry.

305. He's not even married like I am.

306. Hey, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here...

307. but could you lighten up on the "not a man" stuff?

308. Hey, everybody, look. The little chicken girl wants me to ease up.

309. He can't handle this. He cries like a woman.

310. Hello? Vincent?

311. Elaine?

312. I got what you asked.

313. Just leave it and go.

314. Well, can I come in?

315. No, go away, now.

316. No, no, Vincent, I... Oh, don't shut me out.

317. I just... I know you feel what I feel.

318. - Excuse me, can I help you? - Oh, damn it.

319. - I'm here to see Vincent. - Well, I'm his mother.

320. - Vincent, what's going on here? - No, my acne!

321. Acne?

322. What do you have here?

323. Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks.

324. What kind of a sick woman brings this to a 15-year-old?

325. We have the same taste in movies.

326. Did he send you part of our VCR?

327. Vincent?

328. Look at the big baby.

329. Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself?

330. Maybe it is time for you to be changed.

331. I told you to cut it out.

332. Come on, what are you doing?

333. The baby got lucky on that one.

334. Shellbach. Hey.

335. Racket?

336. So, George, you're proposing a Snow Tire Day at Yankee Stadium?

337. As long as they don't throw them on the field.

338. Help yourself to some shrimp. I brought enough for everybody.

339. I have to say, this...

340. This proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

341. Well, you never know.

342. Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.

343. You know, George...

344. the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp.

345. Oh, yeah, Reilly?

346. Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you.

347. What's the difference? You're their all-time bestseller.

348. Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.

349. His wife's in a coma.

350. Hi. How's he doing?

351. He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.

352. I thought a movie might cheer him up.

353. - I got him a Gene pick. - What happened to Vincent?

354. I'm kind of off of him.

355. Outlet?

356. "My wife's in a coma."

357. Yeah? Well, the life-support machine called and... Stupid.

358. Wait. Yes. That's what I should have said.

359. You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself!