Seinfeld 8x11

Directed by Andy Ackerman

John Michael Higgins as Kurt • Miguel Sandoval as Marcelino • Andrea Bendewald as Celia • Paul Perri as Detective Danner • Kathryn Joosten as Betsy

George finds a new romance--in a women's prison; Kramer buys a chicken, then puts his fowl to foul use; Elaine encourages her shaved-headed beau to grow back his hair.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What happened to you yesterday?

2. - I waited for you. You never came. - Oh, I'm sorry. I got really busy.

3. - How long did you wait? - Five minutes.

4. - Five minutes? That's it? - No difference. You never showed up.

5. Well, I could have.

6. I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like 40 minutes.

7. We barely knew the guy.

8. The longer you know someone, the shorter you wait?

9. - That's the way it works. - When did you tell George to be here?

10. I told him 10 minutes. How long has it been?

11. - About five. - That's enough.

12. Yeah.

13. Early. All right.

14. Cold.

15. So I noticed you bounced a cheque at the bodega.

16. - How did you know about that? - Marcelino.

17. He taped it up on his cash register with all of the other bad cheques.

18. He can't do that.

19. It's the only way you'll learn.

20. Oh, these eggs are disgusting.

21. Boy, this chicken should be ashamed of himself.

22. - Fantastic day, fantastic. - What happened?

23. Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple skin...

24. that must have been lodged in there for days comes loose.

25. - Fantastic. - Then I'm at the foundation—

26. - You're still doing that? - Once in a while.

27. When you feel guilty.

28. No, occasionally I forget to let the machine pick up.

29. Anyway, they made this large donation to a women's prison...

30. and I get to go down there and check it out.

31. - That's caged heat. - Yeah.

32. - What are you gonna do there? - Nothing.

33. Just stroll around the cellblocks, maybe take in a shower fight.

34. You got a bounced cheque hanging up in the market...

35. - ... over on Columbus. - Yes, I know. I know.

36. I noticed you chose the clowns-with-balloon cheque design.

37. It was a mistake. The bank sent the wrong ones.

38. Hey, look who's here.

39. Hey, Kurt, this is Jerry and George and Kramer.

40. - Hey. - Hey, Kurt, taste these eggs.

41. No, I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.

42. Yes. These are sweatshop eggs.

43. I gotta call the office, honey. Will you order for me?

44. I'm a honey.

45. He's pretty great, huh?

46. Is he from the future?

47. No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.

48. Sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts.

49. This is guts.

50. What? Clinging to some scraps?

51. These are not scraps.

52. These are historic remains of a once-great society of hair.

53. Did you guys stop at the bodega today?

54. Some moron bounced a clown cheque.

55. I'm sorry about the cheque, Marcelino.

56. People seem to like the clowns.

57. Look, let me just give you the 40, plus another 20 for your trouble.

58. Okay.

59. - Are you gonna take the cheque down? - Sorry, no. Store policy.

60. - But it's your bodega. - Even I am not above the policy.

61. - And those are our tennis courts. - Tennis courts?

62. What about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights?

63. There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum-security facility.

64. What about a hole?

65. - Do you ever put anybody in the box? - No.

66. This prison stinks.

67. And finally the library, which has been refurbished...

68. thanks to your generous donation.

69. - This is Celia Morgan, our librarian. - Nice to meet you.

70. - I'll be in my office if you need me. - Thanks, warden.

71. Betsy.

72. Betsy.

73. Are you the head of the foundation?

74. Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me.

75. So you two shop at the same store?

76. No, it's standard issue.

77. Oh, my God. You're in jail?

78. That is so cool.

79. You asked her out?

80. Well, not out. She's a prisoner.

81. - How could you ask her out? - Why not?

82. You wouldn't date that girl from Queens...

83. because you didn't wanna cross the bridge.

84. - It was different. - I'll say.

85. Jerry, I like being with her.

86. Plus, I know where she is all the time.

87. I have relatively no competition.

88. You know how you live in fear of the pop-in?

89. - The pop-in. - No pop-in...

90. no, " In the neighbourhood." No, " I saw your light was on."

91. And the best part is, if things go really well...

92. - Conjugal visit? - Don't jinx it. Don't.

93. - Hey. - Hey, what's up?

94. George is dating a convict.

95. - What's she in for? - Embezzlement.

96. Sounds like a nice girl.

97. Is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? Mine's full.

98. Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?

99. Well, not here.

100. - Okay. - Kramer...

101. Wait a minute. Wait. What the hell is that?

102. Well, it's chicken feed.

103. I sense something is afoot.

104. Yeah, I bought a chicken.

105. Allow me.

106. Why?

107. Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.

108. Allow me.

109. - What are you? An idiot? - No.

110. Hold it. Hold it. Here. I got it. Catch.

111. Hey, driver's license.

112. Oh, my God.

113. - What? - Your hair.

114. It's so thick and lustrous.

115. I mean, it was.

116. Well, it still is.

117. I shaved my head for my swim team.

118. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it.

119. Are you saying that I could be dating this hair?

120. I mean, with you under it?

121. Hey.

122. Is that your chicken making all that noise?

123. Oh, Jerry loves the morning.

124. - Who? - Little Jerry Seinfeld.

125. - I named my chicken after you. - Thanks. That's very sweet.

126. But that is not a chicken.

127. Of course it is. I picked it out myself.

128. Well, you picked out a rooster.

129. Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

130. - This was fun. - Yeah, I had a great time.

131. Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.

132. The whole hour just flew by.

133. - I'll get that. - Thanks, Bobby.

134. Well, I guess I'll see you in four days.

135. Yeah. Go out and have a ball with the guys.

136. I'll be waiting right here for you.

137. Of course you will.

138. You're the best.

139. - Hello. - Jerry...

140. Leo told us he saw your bounced cheque.

141. - Are you having money problems? - I'm not having money problems.

142. Enough with the comedy. You're very clever.

143. You should look into advertising.

144. He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone.

145. I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine.

146. That's it. I'm gonna send you $50.

147. You are not sending me $50.

148. We're sending you $50. Morty, get me an envelope.

149. I swear to God, if you send me $50, you are gonna be so sorry.

150. - I don't see envelopes. - They're right in front of you.

151. Oh, for heaven's sakes. Let me show you.

152. Ma, Ma, Ma!

153. - How are the folks? - Good.

154. - So movie tonight? - I thought you were going with Celia.

155. I did. I'm back.

156. I love this relationship. I feel so liberated.

157. Having her in jail?

158. Yeah, the only thing that bothers me is I'm just coming up with this now.

159. Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it.

160. Here. Take a look at that.

161. Kurt's an organ donor.

162. No, he's not bald.

163. Look, he's got a full head of hair.

164. So he just shaves his head for no reason?

165. That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it.

166. And he's growing it in just for me.

167. It's mine. It's all mine.

168. - It's just hair. - No, it's not just hair. Look.

169. - It's brown. - It's chestnut with auburn highlights.

170. - So? - You know, you're not around women.

171. You don't know how important a man's hair is.

172. I'm sorry, George, but it's true.

173. I knew it.

174. Hey.

175. - Hey, Kramer, nice rooster. - Yeah.

176. - What's his name? - Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.

177. Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce cheques?

178. Look, can't you take Jerry's cheque down?

179. Sorry, Kramer, can't help.

180. Hey, hey, Jerry. Come on.

181. Oh, sorry.

182. - I like the way he handles himself. - Oh, yeah.

183. - Oh, it's coming in already. - Yeah.

184. Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here.

185. - What? - Well, it doesn't seem...

186. to be coming in so good over here or here.

187. - What do you mean? - Well, I don't know.

188. How long have you been shaving your head for?

189. About three years.

190. Oh, my God.

191. I'm going bald.

192. George, I'm so glad to see you.

193. Hey, I brought you some cigarettes.

194. You buy yourself something nice.

195. Good news. I'm up for parole.

196. Parole? That's dynamite.

197. Marcelino's taking down the cheque?

198. Yeah, well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.

199. Great.

200. What?

201. Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.

202. Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins...

203. the cheque comes down.

204. Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.

205. Only in the United States.

206. - It's inhumane. - Jerry, it's not what you think it is.

207. It's two roosters pecking at each other.

208. - What? - Yeah.

209. Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets.

210. You know, like American Gladiators.

211. No, Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.

212. I left him with Marcelino.

213. My Little Jerry.

214. Hey, did you get Little Jerry? Is he okay?

215. Oh, well, he's more than okay. He won.

216. - You let him fight? - I couldn't get there in time.

217. But you should've seen Little Jerry, Jerry.

218. Flapping his wings and strutting his stuff.

219. He was pecking and weaving and bobbing and talking trash.

220. He didn't even have to touch him. The other rooster ran out of the ring.

221. The whole fight lasted two seconds.

222. - How long do they usually last? - Five seconds.

223. Marcelino says he's taking your cheque down today.

224. - Great. - Hey.

225. - Celia is up for parole. - Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.

226. - What? - Who?

227. I'm too tired.

228. Listen. I want you to come by later, all right?

229. - We're having a victory party. - Okay.

230. It's over, Jerry. She's getting out.

231. I'm so sorry.

232. She's been locked up for two years.

233. She's gonna want to make up for lost time.

234. Dinners, movies, talking.

235. In other words, a normal relationship.

236. That's no good.

237. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results.

238. I think for me...

239. sick is the only way to go.

240. Well, she'll still be an ex-con.

241. It's not the same.

242. Hey, if you two were meant to be together...

243. I'm sure the cops will pick her up on something.

244. Kurt?

245. What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?

246. I don't care.

247. You got a big stain on your shirt.

248. Oh, yeah, a meatball fell out of my sandwich.

249. You already ate?

250. It's from yesterday.

251. Jerry, you missed a hell of a cockfight last night.

252. Then what is my cheque still doing up? We had a deal.

253. - Now we have a new deal. - New deal?

254. When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the cheque will be yours.

255. This is outrageous.

256. Pack of Juicy Fruit.

257. - Eighty-five cents. - Eighty-five cents?

258. That is outrageous.

259. Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.

260. That's out of the question.

261. But cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.

262. Yeah, if you've got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight.

263. No, no more cockfighting.

264. Let's just sell him to Marcelino and be done with it.

265. - I think you're jealous. - Of what?

266. Yeah, you see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had.

267. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been...

268. don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was.

269. - Kramer, give me that rooster. - Never!

270. You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will!

271. George, Celia has listed you as a character reference.

272. Whatever you can tell us would be helpful in her getting parole.

273. Well, anything I could do to help.

274. She's a wonderful girl. Very smart, very crafty.

275. Does she have any plans after she's released?

276. Plans. Schemes.

277. She keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends.

278. You know, "the gang," she likes to call them.

279. Yeah, they're hatching something. You can count on that.

280. Jerry, tomorrow night is fight night. Where's my rooster?

281. - Kramer won't sell. - Tell you what I'm gonna do.

282. I'm gonna take down your cheque anyway.

283. Well, thank you, Marcelino.

284. Well, perhaps some day you will do me a favour.

285. And that day is today.

286. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down...

287. in the third round of tomorrow's main event.

288. - You want Little Jerry to take a dive? - Not so loud.

289. First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.

290. - Can too. - Second of all...

291. Jerry Seinfeld, big or little...

292. doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at any time.

293. Now, I'd appreciate it if you'd please leave.

294. Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.

295. We'll see about that.

296. Kramer, I'm coming up. We got a cockfight to win.

297. Okay.

298. Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to.

299. Yeah, classic horseshoe pattern.

300. - I've seen a lot of this. - Oh, God.

301. No, no, Kurt, wrong attitude.

302. - You should be happy. - Why should I be happy?

303. You've still got pretty good coverage.

304. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter...

305. then you won't be Kurt anymore.

306. What will I be?

307. - How long do I have? - Fourteen months, maybe 10.

308. - ls there anything I can do? - Yes...

309. live, damn it.

310. Live every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life...

311. because in many ways...

312. it is.

313. Excuse me.

314. Celia, what are you doing here?

315. Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out.

316. And you just decided to pop in?

317. - Kurt. - Elaine, will you marry me?

318. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

319. - He's looking good, huh, Jerry? - Yeah.

320. All right. I think that's enough for today.

321. Little Jerry is a lean, mean, pecking machine.

322. - What are you doing with that? - I'm just gonna heat this up.

323. Make a little hot tub for Little Jerry.

324. Hey, Kramer...

325. - ... be careful. - Yeah.

326. - Hey. - Hey, guess what.

327. Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under 30 seconds.

328. - Is that good? - I don't know.

329. - Where have you been? - Celia broke out of prison.

330. I'm at home, she shows up at the door.

331. - Oh, my God, the break out pop-in. - Yeah.

332. And, Jerry, listen to this.

333. I've discovered something better than conjugal-visit sex.

334. Fugitive sex.

335. - It's like every time— - George.

336. This is a little too much. Escape convicts, fugitive sex...

337. I got a cockfight to focus on.

338. Hey, hey, Kurt, slow down.

339. I can't just marry you.

340. I mean, I need some fiancée time.

341. I need some make-my-girlfriends-jealous time.

342. Plus, you want to get to know me.

343. Yeah, yeah, that too.

344. - Well, how much time? - I don't know. A year?

345. No, no, no, it has to be now.

346. Could I see the ring again?

347. So you're actually considering it?

348. Well, it will be a couple of years before he's completely bald.

349. Those will be good times.

350. Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life will totally change.

351. Jerry, it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm at a cockfight.

352. What am I clinging to?

353. - Hey. - Hey.

354. - Sorry I'm late. - Where's Celia?

355. She didn't wanna come. She's not really into sports.

356. - Hey, how's he doing? - Well, he's got a big sweat going.

357. Oh, this came for you Express Mail. It's from your parents.

358. - Hi. - Hi.

359. " Fifty dollars." I don't believe this.

360. There's Marcelino.

361. Look at the size of his bird.

362. That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.

363. Hi, is George back from the cockfight?

364. I've got to thank him. He changed my life.

365. Must've been a good fight. He's not back.

366. Damn.

367. Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza.

368. Well, well, well, look who's here.

369. Oh, man.

370. Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest...

371. for aiding and abetting a known fugitive.

372. - I'm not George Costanza. - Save it.

373. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go.

374. Okay. I got the whole scoop.

375. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador.

376. - He's 68-0. - He's a ringer.

377. Where's the tamale guy?

378. Little Jerry's gonna get his clock cleaned.

379. I've gotta get him out of there.

380. Little Jerry!

381. Kramer!

382. Stop the fight!

383. Tamale!

384. Why did you get into a fistfight with the cop?

385. - You were innocent. - They thought I was George.

386. I'm not that bald.

387. And I have too little time left to take that crap, so I slugged him.

388. How long are you gonna be in here for?

389. Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behaviour maybe 10.

390. - So 10 to 14 months? - Yeah.