1. When you wake up,
it's like you're being born
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2. all over again.
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3. You can't see, you can't talk.
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4. You're on your way
to the bathroom
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5. trying to remember,
"How do I walk?"
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6. It's like you've never been
alive before.
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7. If any invention
marks the decline
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8. of human civilization
it would have to be
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9. the snooze alarm.
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10. The snooze alarm
is based on the idea
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11. that when the alarm goes off,
you are not getting up.
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12. You're not even awake,
you're already a failure.
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13. They should sell
the snooze alarm
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14. with an unemployment application
and a bottle of tequila.
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15. with an unemployment application
and a bottle of tequila.
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16. Just make it a complete,
pathetic loser kit.
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17. Hello.
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18. This is your wake-up service.
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19. It's 7:15.
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20. Oh, God.
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21. Oh, I could use
a few more hours sleep.
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22. Hot date last night?
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23. I wish.
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24. A woman with a sexy voice
like yours,
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25. it's hard to believe
you're waking up alone.
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26. Really?
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27. Thank you.
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28. Tri-State-wake-up service...
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29. person.
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30. Call me James.
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31. Oh, all right...
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32. James.
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33. Your wake-up guy
asked you out?
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34. Yeah. I've never seen him,
but I feel like
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35. we have this weirdly intimate
relationship.
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36. I mean, I'm lying in bed,
I'm wearing my nightie...
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37. I don't know. Blind date?
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38. What? You wanna go out
with my cousin Holly.
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39. What? You wanna go out
with my cousin Holly.
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40. You've never met her.
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41. Yeah, but I've seen
pictures of her.
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42. At least I've spoken to my guy.
You're going out on a deaf date.
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43. I'd rather go on a deaf date
than a blind date.
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44. Would you rather
date the blind or the deaf?
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45. Oh.
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46. Now you're off on a topic.
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47. Now, I think
I would rather date the deaf.
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48. Uh-huh.
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49. Because I think the blind
would be a little messy
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50. around the house.
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51. I mean, let's face it,
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52. they're not gonna
get all the crumbs.
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53. You're constantly
walking around with a sponge.
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54. You're constantly
walking around with a sponge.
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55. See, I disagree.
I would rather date the blind.
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56. You could let the house go,
you let yourself go.
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57. A good-looking blind woman
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58. doesn't really know
you're not good enough for her.
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59. She'd figure it out
soon enough.
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60. What?
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61. What is this?
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62. Veggie sandwich
and a grapefruit.
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63. Veggie sandwich
and a grapefruit.
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64. What are you turning into?
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65. A healthy person.
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66. Ow!
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67. Ow!
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68. Ow!
You squirted me.
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69. Oh, sorry.
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70. Boy, that stings.
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71. George.
Have you seen Morgan?
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72. No.
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73. He's been coming in
later and later.
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74. Is there something wrong?
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75. No, not that I know of.
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76. Really.
Hm.
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77. Well, make sure he signs this.
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78. If there's a problem
with Morgan, you can tell me.
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79. Morgan?
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80. No, he's doing a great job.
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81. I understand.
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82. I still can't believe
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83. you're going
on a blind date.
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84. I'm not worried.
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85. He sounds like
he's really good-looking.
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86. You're going by sound?
What are we, whales?
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87. I think I can tell.
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88. Elaine, what percentage
of people are good-looking?
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89. Twenty-five percent.
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90. Twenty-five percent?
Mm-hm.
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91. No way.
It's like 4 to 6 percent.
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92. It's a 20-1 shot.
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93. You're way off.
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94. Way off? Have you been
to the motor vehicle bureau?
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95. It's a leper colony down there.
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96. So basically what
you're saying is,
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97. So basically what
you're saying is,
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98. 95 percent of the population
is undateable?
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99. Undateable!
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100. Then how are all these people
getting together?
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101. Alcohol.
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102. What is your problem?
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103. No problem here.
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104. You keep winking at me.
That's really obnoxious.
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105. I had no idea.
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106. Right there!
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107. You just did it again.
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108. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
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109. It's from that grapefruit
that Jerry squirted at me.
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110. Oh, your eye still hurts?
Yeah.
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111. You must've squirted
a piece of pulp in it too.
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112. Pulp couldn't make it
across the table.
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113. Pulp can move, baby!
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114. Why can't you eat
a real breakfast?
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115. I eat healthy.
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116. If I have to take out an eye,
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117. that's the breaks.
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118. Wait a minute.
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119. I must've been winking
at the office.
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120. That's why Mr. Wilhelm
was acting so misterioso.
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121. What did he think,
you were flirting with him?
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122. Heh-heh-hoo.
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123. No!
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124. He thought I was
hiding something about Morgan.
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125. Hey, guys.
Hey, Jughead.
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126. Hello, Archie.
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127. Veronica.
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128. Mr. Weatherbee.
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129. Mr. Weatherbee.
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130. Whoa.
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131. Is this Don Mattingly's
signature?
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132. Yeah.
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133. And Buck Showalter's?
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134. It's an interoffice envelope.
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135. It gets passed around all over.
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136. Can I show this
to my buddy, Stubs?
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137. He runs
a sports memorabilia store.
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138. He'll pay top dollar
for pro autographs.
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139. Like I'm gonna risk my job
with the New York Yankees
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140. to make a few extra bucks.
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141. No, of course not.
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142. No, you see, Don Mattingly
signed this envelope.
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143. No, you see, Don Mattingly
signed this envelope.
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144. Then he sent it to room 318,
where it was received
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145. and signed for,
by manager Buck Showalter.
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146. I don't know.
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147. An envelope
doesn't really cut it.
Why?
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148. What is this?
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149. A birthday card.
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150. Signed by the entire
Yankee organization?
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151. This could be worth something.
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152. Is that the lovely
Mrs. Morgan?
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153. MRS.
Hello.
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154. You got that birthday card?
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155. Birthday card?
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156. Mr. Steinbrenner's
birthday card.
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157. Mr. Steinbrenner's
birthday card.
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158. Wilhelm said
you'd have it for me to sign.
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159. Oh.
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160. Uh, yeah.
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161. I, uh, have that for you
right after lunch.
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162. Fine, I'll be back
after my massage.
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163. Of course, your massage.
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164. Enjoy your massage.
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165. Hello?
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166. Elaine?
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167. James!
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168. Oh.
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169. Oh.
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170. Hello.
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171. Whew!
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172. I can't believe Elaine's
never taken you here before.
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173. I'm not much of a meat eater.
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174. You don't eat meat?
What are you, one of those—?
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175. No, I'm not...
one of those.
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176. When we were little girls,
Grandma Mema would take us
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177. to a matinee
and then dinner here.
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178. Grandma Mema?
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179. Elaine must have mentioned
Grandma Mema.
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180. No, I think I would
have remembered Mema.
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181. That's typical.
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182. Elaine never liked
Grandma Mema.
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183. Elaine never liked
Grandma Mema.
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184. Ready?
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185. I'll have the porterhouse,
medium rare,
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186. baked potato with sour cream.
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187. What do you recommend
besides the steak?
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188. The lamb chops are good.
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189. Anything lighter?
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190. How do you prepare
the chicken?
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191. It's a full bird,
stuffed with ham,
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192. topped with Gorgonzola.
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193. You know what?
I'll just have a salad.
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194. Thank you.
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195. Just a salad.
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196. Just a salad.
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197. Just a salad.
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198. Here you are.
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199. Here you are.
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200. Hey, boys.
Hey, you.
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201. Oh.
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202. These are your dogs?
Yeah.
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203. When you live alone,
your dogs are all you have.
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204. Do you like dogs?
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205. Shut... up!
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206. You stupid little mutt!
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207. Dogs?
Oh, I— I love dogs.
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208. Boys, this is Elaine.
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209. Sorry.
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210. They're usually very friendly.
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211. Hey.
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212. Mr. Morgan,
how was your massage?
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213. I had to cancel it.
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214. For some reason,
my wife got it into her head
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215. that it was more
than just a massage.
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216. Really?
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217. Yeah, we got into
this big fight,
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218. looks like tonight
I'm sleeping on the couch.
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219. Hey, listen, don't oversleep.
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220. You can't afford
to be late again.
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221. Somebody around here has been
giving Wilhelm the impression
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222. that I've been slacking off.
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223. Hey, you should try
my friend's wake-up service.
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224. She swears by this thing.
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225. Costanza, you may be
my only friend around here.
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226. You got that birthday card?
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227. Uh, not yet.
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228. Uh, not yet.
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229. Make sure Steinbrenner
doesn't get it until I sign it.
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230. Yes, sir.
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231. I just don't understand it.
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232. As soon as I met these dogs,
they started growling at me.
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233. Maybe his dogs heard about
how you tried to kidnap
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234. that other dog.
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235. These mutts like to gossip.
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236. So have you
talked to Holly?
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237. Uh-huh.
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238. Did she mention anything
about our lunch?
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239. Um... kind of.
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240. What do you mean, kind of?
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241. I mean, she thought
it was kind of strange
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242. to just order a salad.
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243. You know... for a man.
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244. You know... for a man.
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245. Like a quiche thing?
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246. You're in the ballpark.
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247. Salad. What was I thinking?
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248. Women don't respect
salad-eaters.
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249. You got that right.
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250. You're going over there
for dinner tonight?
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251. Mm-hm.
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252. What is she making?
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253. I don't know,
but I'm sure it had parents.
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254. Call her up.
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255. She won't mind if you come.
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256. Oh, don't worry.
I'll be there.
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257. And I'll be packing an artery.
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258. And I'll be packing an artery.
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259. Well, Mr. Weatherbee.
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260. Do you have
that Yankee envelope?
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261. I sure do.
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262. Oh.
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263. There you are.
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264. You'll be very pleased
when you see what's inside.
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265. What is this?
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266. Your cut of the loot.
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267. Stubs gave me $200
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268. for the autographed
birthday card inside.
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269. Who told you to sell the card?
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270. You did.
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271. No, I didn't.
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272. Not in so many words,
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273. Not in so many words,
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274. but I believe
we had an understanding.
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275. I was not winking, you idiot!
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276. That was the grapefruit!
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277. It's like acid!
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278. I need that card.
It's Mr. Steinbrenner's.
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279. I was responsible.
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280. Stubs already sold it to some
guy whose kid's in the hospital.
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281. Well, get it back!
It's very important!
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282. Look, you want me
to get it back or not?
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283. Get it back!
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284. This is such a lovely
table setting, Holly.
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285. Ooh. Where did you
get these napkins?
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286. Ooh. Where did you
get these napkins?
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287. They were Grandma Mema's.
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288. Oh, I don't remember them.
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289. You wouldn't.
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290. She only used them
on special occasions.
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291. Special occasions?
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292. It wasn't special
when my family visited?
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293. Everybody like mutton?
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294. Mm.
Mutton!
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295. Hope you didn't cut the fat off.
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296. Yeah, are you Bobby?
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297. Yes.
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298. Well, I heard that you have
a very special birthday card
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299. with all the Yankee autographs
on it.
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300. with all the Yankee autographs
on it.
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301. I sure do, mister.
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302. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's it.
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303. Stubs sure went to town
with this thing, huh?
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304. Bobby, what if I told you
that a very important person
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305. at the New York Yankees
needed this card back?
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306. Oh, no.
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307. I'd never part with this card
for anything in the world.
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308. Well, uh, Bobby, uh...
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309. Who's your favorite Yankee?
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310. Paul O'Neill.
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311. What if I get Paul O'Neill
to hit a home run tomorrow
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312. just for you?
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313. Really?
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314. Paul O'Neill would do that?
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315. For you, he would.
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316. For you, he would.
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317. Could he hit two home runs?
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318. Two?
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319. Sure, kid,
but then you got to promise
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320. you'll do something for me.
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321. I know.
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322. Get out of this bed one day
and walk again.
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323. That would be nice,
but I really just need the card.
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324. What about this candelabra?
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325. That was Grandma Mema's also.
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326. She bought it on her trip
to Europe in 1926.
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327. Jerry, I'm thrilled
you like my mutton.
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328. I was afraid you only ate salad.
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329. Hey, salad's got nuttin'
on this mutton.
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330. Hey, salad's got nuttin'
on this mutton.
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331. That is so funny.
Did you just make that up?
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332. I wish I could take credit
for it.
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333. It's a line my butcher uses
when we're chewing the fat.
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334. How about that beautiful desk
over there?
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335. That was in
Mema's study.
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336. I love that desk.
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337. What'd you do, ransack the place
after she died?
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338. This is some fine mutton.
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339. I'm getting out of here.
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340. I'm getting out of here.
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341. Can I borrow your jacket?
Um...
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342. The thing is—
It's cold out, okay?
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343. I didn't bring my own.
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344. Yeah.
Jerry.
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345. Jerry!
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346. God forbid I should borrow one
from Holly.
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347. It might have belonged
to Grandma Mema.
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348. Thanks for mutton.
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349. Down, boy.
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350. Nice doggy.
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351. I'm a nice person.
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352. Don't believe what you hear.
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353. I love dogs.
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354. I really do.
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355. I really do.
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356. Where are the napkins?
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357. What?
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358. Grandma Mema's napkins.
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359. Two are missing.
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360. Elaine took them, didn't she?
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361. I don't know about that.
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362. Have you got any floss?
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363. You heard her.
She coveted them.
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364. She took them just to spite me.
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365. She's probably having
a good laugh about it right now.
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366. Oh!
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367. Down, doggy!
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368. Elaine, what are you doing
in this neighborhood?
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369. Did you hide the dogs?
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370. They're in the kitchen.
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371. It's okay.
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372. Quiet!
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373. What's going on?
Oh, God.
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374. These dogs were chasing me.
No cabs would stop.
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375. I had to get off the street
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376. and I remembered
that you lived here.
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377. Why were dogs chasing you?
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378. They just don't like me.
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379. It's a long story.
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380. I can tell you someday,
but not right now.
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381. I'd ask you to stay tonight,
but I only have the sofa bed,
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382. and it's where I sleep.
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383. and it's where I sleep.
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384. We'll have to sleep head-to-toe.
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385. Head-to-toe?
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386. Head-to-toe.
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387. Hey.
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388. Hey.
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389. Wake up.
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390. It's 8:30!
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391. You were supposed to wake me up
at 7:15.
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392. I'm sorry.
I didn't get any sleep.
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393. You kept kicking me in the face.
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394. You're a wake-up guy.
Don't you have calls to make?
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395. I'll make 'em later.
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396. Ah.
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397. Have you seen Morgan?
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398. He's not here?
No, he's late again.
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399. I got him a wake-up service.
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400. Don't cover for him anymore.
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401. Don't cover for him anymore.
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402. He'll be gone soon,
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403. and I'm gonna recommend you
for his job.
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404. Gone?
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405. Sounds like all that winking
got you a promotion.
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406. I don't want Morgan's job.
He's got a lot of work to do.
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407. Elaine, your friend never
woke up Mr. Morgan.
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408. He was tired.
He had some feet in his face.
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409. My cousin Holly
is completely insane.
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410. She keeps calling and accusing
me of stealing her napkins.
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411. Napkins?
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412. I mean, why?
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413. Why would I take
her stupid napkins?
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414. Because they were in the pockets
of my jacket.
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415. Because they were in the pockets
of my jacket.
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416. They were?
Yes.
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417. I was using them
to spit out the mutton.
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418. You spit it out—
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419. I had dogs chasing me for that.
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420. I was almost mauled
because of that mutton!
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421. What exactly is mutton?
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422. I don't know
and I didn't want to find out.
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423. So where is my jacket?
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424. Oh. I must've left it
at James'.
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425. Spent the night
at James', did we?
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426. Yeah, but we reversed positions,
so there was no funny business.
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427. Yeah, but we reversed positions,
so there was no funny business.
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428. Reversed positions?
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429. Yeah.
Head-to-toe.
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430. So what? Your genitals
are still lined up.
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431. No, because I slept
with my back to him.
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432. Mr. O'Neill?
Yeah.
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433. Look, you don't know me...
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434. I can give you an autograph,
but my pen's screwed up.
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435. You'll probably only get, like,
half a P or something.
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436. You'll probably only get, like,
half a P or something.
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437. It's not that.
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438. It's about a little boy
in the hospital.
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439. I was wondering if you could do
something to lift his spirits?
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440. I can help you there.
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441. I promised him you would hit him
two home runs today.
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442. You know... a couple of dingers.
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443. You promised
a kid in the hospital
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444. I'd hit two home runs?
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445. Yeah.
What, no good?
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446. It's terrible.
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447. You don't hit home runs
like that.
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448. It's hard.
And where did you get two from?
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449. Well, two
is better than one.
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450. That's ridiculous.
I'm not a home-run hitter.
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451. Babe Ruth did it.
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452. He did not.
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453. You're saying Babe Ruth
was a liar?
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454. You're saying Babe Ruth
was a liar?
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455. No, but he wasn't stupid enough
to promise two.
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456. Maybe I did overextend myself.
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457. How the heck
did you get in here?
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458. Oh, hi, Elaine.
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459. I lost all my 6:30 clients
because of you.
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460. Why did you have to stick
your feet in my face?
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461. Yes, I have the jacket.
Hold on.
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462. Fellas.
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463. What you got there?
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464. The Yankees take the field
on a beautiful afternoon.
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465. The Yankees take the field
on a beautiful afternoon.
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466. It's hot in here.
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467. Hey, Bobby,
can I have some of your juice?
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468. After Paul O'Neill
hits his first home run.
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469. Yeah.
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470. It's Holly.
Come on up.
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471. And the two-and-one pitch
to O'Neill...
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472. Whoa!
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473. Towering shot
to deep right field...
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474. and it's gone!
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475. Yeah!
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476. Yeah!
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477. A home run for Paul O'Neill.
The Yanks lead 1-nothing.
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478. Oh, yeah!
All right!
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479. Yeah.
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480. One more to go!
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481. Hey.
What's all this?
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482. I decided I'm gonna
make you dinner.
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483. I thought we were going out?
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484. After you scarfed up my mutton,
I had the irresistible urge
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485. to make pork chops for you.
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486. I said hello to Franco for you.
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487. Franco?
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488. Your butcher down the street.
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489. Your butcher down the street.
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490. Oh.
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491. I bet he acted all aloof
like he didn't know me.
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492. A little.
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493. That is so Franco.
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494. Bottom of the eighth,
score tied at 1 apiece.
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495. Two-and-one to Paul O'Neill.
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496. Bobby, it's very hard to hit
two home runs in one game.
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497. Even for Paul O'Neill.
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498. He can do it, Mr. Kramer.
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499. I know he can.
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500. He'll do it for me.
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501. A long fly ball
into deep left field,
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502. and it drops just over
Belle's head.
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503. and it drops just over
Belle's head.
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504. O'Neill's rounding second,
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505. the ball rolling back
to the wall,
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506. O'Neill heading for third...
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507. All right.
Come on!
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508. O'Neill rounds third
and is being waved in.
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509. Yeah, go!
Go!
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510. And Martinez throws it over
Alomar's head,
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511. O'Neill is safe at home.
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512. The Yankees take the lead.
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513. Oh!
Inside-the-park home run!
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514. He did it!
He did it!
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515. All right!
I guess I'll be on my way.
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516. That's being scored
a triple for Paul O'Neill,
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517. with a throwing error
charged to Martinez.
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518. with a throwing error
charged to Martinez.
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519. Hey.
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520. That's not a home run.
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521. Well, maybe not technically,
but—
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522. You said he could hit
two home runs.
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523. Come on, Bobby.
Bobby, that's just as good!
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524. You're not taking that card!
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525. Bobby, we had a deal.
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526. Come on, give me that.
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527. So...
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528. is the chop the way you like it?
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529. I usually like mine
with an angioplasty.
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530. Something really stinks
to high— Holly.
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531. What are you doing here?
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532. What everyone does here:
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533. Cooking pork chops.
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534. Listen, I'm—
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535. I'm meeting James here.
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536. He's bringing over your jacket.
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537. What about the napkins?
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538. Oh, God.
I didn't take your napkins.
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539. Then who did?
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540. Ask Jerry.
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541. We could argue all night
over who took the napkins,
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542. but in today's modern world,
it just doesn't seem relevant.
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543. I still want to know what
happened to that birthday card.
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544. I still want to know what
happened to that birthday card.
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545. Morgan, did you ever sign it?
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546. No, sir,
George never gave it to me.
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547. That's right, I didn't.
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548. I take full responsibility
for the card not being here. I—
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549. Hey, I got it.
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550. What's this?
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551. Oh, it's a birthday card.
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552. George, by the way,
tomorrow night,
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553. Paul O'Neill has to catch
a fly ball in his hat.
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554. George, this is beautiful!
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555. Why didn't you tell me
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556. you were gonna have it
mounted like this?
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557. You were probably just
gonna stick it in an envelope.
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558. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
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559. George, keep up the good work.
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560. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
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561. Well, you screwed me again,
Costanza.
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562. How am I supposed
to sign the card now?
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563. It's already under glass.
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564. Hi, James.
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565. Oh, this is, um, Holly—
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566. Excuse me.
What are those dogs wearing?
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567. Oh, bandannas.
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568. Aren't they cute?
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569. You gave Mema's napkins
to some dogs?
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570. What happened to my jacket?
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571. The dogs did that,
but it wasn't their fault.
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572. The dogs did that,
but it wasn't their fault.
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573. Somebody stuffed some
strange meat in the pockets.
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574. Was it mutton?
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575. Could have been.
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576. You always stuff meat
in your pockets?
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577. Uh...
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578. sometimes I use the sofa.
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579. You wanted to see me?
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580. Yes, George, please, come in.
Thanks for the card.
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581. I loved it.
It made me feel good.
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582. Word has it you were the brains
behind the whole thing.
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583. Not just me.
The whole organization.
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584. Especially Mr. Morgan.
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585. Morgan.
Morgan.
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586. His name is conspicuously absent
from this card.
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587. Like he went out of his way
not to sign it.
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588. No, Morgan is a good man, sir.
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589. Stop kowtowing to Morgan.
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590. Congratulations.
You've got his job.
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591. Well, thank you, sir.
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592. I'm not quite sure
I'm right for it.
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593. It's done, George.
He's out, you're in.
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594. A lot more work, you know.
I know.
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595. A lot more work, you know.
I know.
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596. A lot more responsibility.
I know.
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597. Long, long hours.
I know.
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598. Not much more money.
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599. But you'll finally get
the recognition you deserve.
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600. That's what I'm afraid of.
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601. Mr. Steinbrenner, if I—
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602. Painful as it is,
I've had to let a few people go
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603. over the years.
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604. Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella,
Bucky Dent, Billy Martin,
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605. Dallas Green, Dick Hauser,
Bill Virdon, Billy Martin,
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606. Stump Merrill, Billy Martin,
Bob Lemon, Billy Martin,
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607. Stump Merrill, Billy Martin,
Bob Lemon, Billy Martin,
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608. Gene Michael, Buck Showalter—
Uh, George!
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609. You didn't hear that from me.
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610. George?
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