1. I love when you get your car
back from the car place,Copy !req
2. and it's got that...
paper mat on the floor.Copy !req
3. Like they're so obsessed
with cleanliness.Copy !req
4. They don't even
want their shoes
to touch the carpet.Copy !req
5. Meanwhile,
the mechanic comes out.Copy !req
6. He looks like Al Jolson.Copy !req
7. He's covered in goo
from head to toe.Copy !req
8. You can't even see him.Copy !req
9. Although I prefer that
to when they have
the lab coat,Copy !req
10. the clipboard,
the nice glasses.Copy !req
11. Now you know
you're getting screwed.Copy !req
12. "Can I see it?"
"You better not.Copy !req
13. "It's idling quietly
right now.Copy !req
14. "I think it should
stay overnight.Copy !req
15. "I think it should
stay overnight.Copy !req
16. "We wanna keep
an eye on it,Copy !req
17. and we wanna keep the bill
running up."Copy !req
18. You can tell the players
that I reimbursed the trainerCopy !req
19. for the cigarettes
and the diet shakes.Copy !req
20. The players will
be reimbursed?Copy !req
21. The trainer, George.Copy !req
22. Tell the players
I reimbursed the trainer.Copy !req
23. What's the matter?
This is the third time
I had to repeat myself.Copy !req
24. Sorry, Mr. Wilhelm.
Sorry doesn't cut it.Copy !req
25. We're running
a ball club here, George.Copy !req
26. You've got to
pay attention.Copy !req
27. I know, sir.
It won't happen again.Copy !req
28. Let me see. I, uh...Copy !req
29. I had an assignment
for you.Copy !req
30. Huh. Let me...
Let me think here.Copy !req
31. Elaine.Copy !req
32. Hi, Mr. Peterman.Copy !req
33. You know
what a huge fan I am
of John F. Kennedy.Copy !req
34. I do.Copy !req
35. It was the Peace Corps
that gave me my start
in this business.Copy !req
36. Clothing the naked natives
of Bangtubesh.Copy !req
37. The Pygmy pullover.Copy !req
38. Sotheby's is
having an auction
of JFK's memorabilia.Copy !req
39. One item in particular
has caught my eye.Copy !req
40. One item in particular
has caught my eye.Copy !req
41. The presidential
golf clubs.Copy !req
42. Oh.
To me,Copy !req
43. they capture
that indefinable romance
that was Camelot.Copy !req
44. Eh. Whatever.Copy !req
45. But unfortunately,
I will be out of town
with my lady friendCopy !req
46. and therefore
unable to bid
on the lot.Copy !req
47. I was hoping maybe
you would go in my stead.Copy !req
48. Oh. Oh, yeah.
I'd be happy to.Copy !req
49. How much do you
want this thing?Copy !req
50. I mean, you know,
how high are
you willing to go?Copy !req
51. I would see no trouble
in spending up to, say,Copy !req
52. $10,000.Copy !req
53. Have my secretary
give you a signed check.Copy !req
54. Wow.Copy !req
55. when you're done, George,
and bring it directly to me.Copy !req
56. Mr. Steinbrenner
is very interested
in this.Copy !req
57. Yes, sir.Copy !req
58. Yes, George.Copy !req
59. I want you to
make this project
a top priority.Copy !req
60. I will, sir.
Top priority.Copy !req
61. Top priority, George.
Top priority!Copy !req
62. So he walks
out of the stall.Copy !req
63. So he walks
out of the stall.Copy !req
64. He's been talkin'
the whole time.Copy !req
65. He pulled
an LBJ on you.Copy !req
66. LBJ?Copy !req
67. Lyndon Johnson
used to do that
to his staffers.Copy !req
68. No kidding?
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
69. He'd hold national security
meetings in there.Copy !req
70. He planned
the Hanoi bombing
after a bad Thai meal.Copy !req
71. Well, I still don't know
what I'm supposed to do.Copy !req
72. I don't even know
what my assignment is.Copy !req
73. Ask him to repeat it.
Tell him there was
an echo in there.Copy !req
74. I can't.
He's been on my case
about not paying attention.Copy !req
75. Besides, it's too late.
I already told him
I heard him.Copy !req
76. You know what you do?Copy !req
77. Ask him
a follow-up question.Copy !req
78. Tell him you're
having trouble
getting started,Copy !req
79. Tell him you're
having trouble
getting started,Copy !req
80. and you want
his advice.Copy !req
81. Yeah.Copy !req
82. Follow-up question,
that'll work.Copy !req
83. Hey, bud.
Hey.Copy !req
84. Can I have my keys—
Yeah.Copy !req
85. —back please.Copy !req
86. You should
have come, Jerry.Copy !req
87. We made quite a haul.Copy !req
88. Where'd you go?
Price Club.Copy !req
89. Why didn't you
take your car?Copy !req
90. Ah, the steering wheel
fell off.Copy !req
91. I don't know where it is.Copy !req
92. What are you doing?
Don't throw that away.Copy !req
93. Well, I'm not paying
the 5 cents for that
stupid recycling thing.Copy !req
94. You don't pay 5 cents.
You get 5 cents back.Copy !req
95. Here, read the label:
"Vermont, Connecticut,Copy !req
96. Here, read the label:
"Vermont, Connecticut,Copy !req
97. "Massachusetts, New York.
Refund—"Copy !req
98. Vroot! "--5 cents."Copy !req
99. Refund?
Yeah.Copy !req
100. Well, what do you think
the hobos are doing?Copy !req
101. I don't know.
They're deranged.Copy !req
102. All right, listen.
Can you give me a lift
back to my place?Copy !req
103. No, I can't.
I gotta pick up Elaine.Copy !req
104. I'm taking her
to this Kennedy auction.Copy !req
105. All right.
I'll see you later.
All right.Copy !req
106. What is this
"MI, 10 cents"?Copy !req
107. That's Michigan.Copy !req
108. In Michigan
you get 10 cents.Copy !req
109. Ten cents?
Yeah.Copy !req
110. Wait a minute. You mean,
you get 5 cents here
and 10 cents there?Copy !req
111. Wait a minute. You mean,
you get 5 cents here
and 10 cents there?Copy !req
112. Round up bottles here
and run them to Michigan.Copy !req
113. No, that doesn't work.Copy !req
114. What do you mean?
You get enough bottles—Copy !req
115. You overload
your inventory,Copy !req
116. and you blow
your margins
on gasoline.Copy !req
117. Trust me.
It doesn't work.Copy !req
118. You're not talking that
deposit-bottles scam,
are you?Copy !req
119. No, no, I'm off that.Copy !req
120. You tried it?Copy !req
121. Oh, yeah, every which way.
Couldn't crunch the numbers.Copy !req
122. It drove me crazy.Copy !req
123. You two keep an eye
on each other?Copy !req
124. No problem.
You bet.Copy !req
125. Are you sure
you didn't hear my car
making a funny noise?Copy !req
126. I know those two idiots
did something to it.Copy !req
127. No, I didn't
hear anything.Copy !req
128. Oh, my God.
Look who's here.Copy !req
129. Sue Ellen Mischke,Copy !req
130. the braless,
Oh Henry!
candy-bar heiress.Copy !req
131. Well...Copy !req
132. Hello, Elaine.
Jerry.Copy !req
133. Hi, Sue Ellen.
Hi, Sue Ellen.Copy !req
134. Well, I'm surprised
to see you here.Copy !req
135. Come to catch a glimpse
of high society?Copy !req
136. Come to catch a glimpse
of high society?Copy !req
137. No. No, I'm actually
here to bid, Sue Ellen.Copy !req
138. I mean, that is
if anything's
to my liking.Copy !req
139. I'm here
to catch a glimpse.Copy !req
140. Of high society.Copy !req
141. Well, I hope
you find something
that fits your budget.Copy !req
142. I hate that woman.Copy !req
143. I don't understand.Copy !req
144. You fill an 18-wheeler.Copy !req
145. You fill an 18-wheeler.Copy !req
146. No, an 18-wheeler
is no good.
Too much overhead.Copy !req
147. You've got permits,
weigh stations, tolls.Copy !req
148. Look, you're way
outta your league.Copy !req
149. I wanna learn.Copy !req
150. I want to know why.Copy !req
151. Oh.Copy !req
152. Those are handsome.Copy !req
153. Look at that set.Copy !req
154. Yeah, think I might
bid on those.Copy !req
155. (GAVEL STRIKES)
Lot number 745.Copy !req
156. We have a full set
of golf clubsCopy !req
157. We have a full set
of golf clubsCopy !req
158. that were owned
by President
John F. Kennedy,Copy !req
159. as seen in
the famous photographCopy !req
160. of the president
chipping at Burning TreeCopy !req
161. on the morning of
the Bay of Pigs Invasion.Copy !req
162. The set is
in perfection condition,Copy !req
163. and we will
start the bidding
at $4000.Copy !req
164. Four thousand dollars?
Do I have $4000?Copy !req
165. I have $4000.
Do I have 5?Copy !req
166. Five thousand dollars.
I have $5000.
Do I have 6?Copy !req
167. Six thousand dollars
for this set of
beautiful clubs.Copy !req
168. Six? I have $6000.Copy !req
169. Can I have 6500?Copy !req
170. Can I have 6500?Copy !req
171. Sixty-five hundred
to the...Copy !req
172. dark-haired person
on the right.Copy !req
173. We are at 6500.Copy !req
174. Do I hear 6600?Copy !req
175. The president's
own golf clubs.Copy !req
176. Leisure life at Camelot.Copy !req
177. Sixty-five hundred
going once.Copy !req
178. Eight thousand.Copy !req
179. Eight thousand.Copy !req
180. We have 8000.
The bid is now $8000.Copy !req
181. What is she doing?Copy !req
182. She's starting in
on the bidding now? I—Copy !req
183. Eighty-five hundred.Copy !req
184. We have 85.Copy !req
185. Nine thousand.Copy !req
186. Nine thousand dollars.Copy !req
187. Nine thousand dollars.Copy !req
188. I think she wants
those clubs.Copy !req
189. Do I hear 95?
Ninety-five hundred.Copy !req
190. Ninety-five hundred.Copy !req
191. Ten thousand.Copy !req
192. Ten thousand
to the...Copy !req
193. shapely woman
on the left.Copy !req
194. Ten thousand going once.Copy !req
195. Well,
that's your ceiling.Copy !req
196. Ten thousand
going twice.Copy !req
197. Eleven thousand.Copy !req
198. Twelve thousand.Copy !req
199. Thirteen thousand.Copy !req
200. Fourteen thousand.Copy !req
201. Fifteen thousand!Copy !req
202. Peterman
is gonna kill me.Copy !req
203. I really thought
you had her there
at 17,000.Copy !req
204. Why didn't you stop me?Copy !req
205. Do you hear this clunking?Copy !req
206. A little.Copy !req
207. Oh. You know what?Copy !req
208. I'm gonna grab these
from you later.Copy !req
209. You'll take care of 'em.
Okay? Okay.Copy !req
210. I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.Copy !req
211. Alrighty. Bye.
Bye.Copy !req
212. What's goin' on?Copy !req
213. Oh, my God.Copy !req
214. Oh, those idiots!Copy !req
215. So we could put
the bottles in a U-Haul.Copy !req
216. You know,
go lean and mean.Copy !req
217. Newman, it's a dead end.
Come on.Copy !req
218. Hey, there he is.
Hey.Copy !req
219. You put your groceries
under the hood of my car?Copy !req
220. Oh, that's right.
We forgot about those.Copy !req
221. That's where
my missing soda is.Copy !req
222. That's where
my missing soda is.Copy !req
223. And your crab legs
and a thing of cheese.Copy !req
224. The AAA guy said
I was this closeCopy !req
225. to sucking a muffin
down the carburetor.Copy !req
226. What were you thinking?Copy !req
227. We ran out of space.Copy !req
228. Now I gotta take
the car down to Tony
and get it checked out.Copy !req
229. He's good.
Yeah, he's real good,Copy !req
230. but he's so obsessive
about the car,Copy !req
231. he makes me feel guilty
about every little thing
wrong with it.Copy !req
232. I gotta get it washed
before I bring it,Copy !req
233. or I'm afraid
he'll yell at me.Copy !req
234. 'Choke?Copy !req
235. No. Thank you.Copy !req
236. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
237. I remember this car.Copy !req
238. I remember this car.Copy !req
239. Beautiful car.Copy !req
240. Yeah, so anyway,
the engine's been
idling a little rough.Copy !req
241. I thought it might be time
for a... checkup.Copy !req
242. There's really
nothing wrong
on the inside.Copy !req
243. Well, the shift knob
is loose.
You know about that?Copy !req
244. No, I hadn't noticed.Copy !req
245. Have you been
picking at it?Copy !req
246. Have I been picking at it?Copy !req
247. No. You know,
it's just wear and tear.Copy !req
248. Wear and tear, I see.Copy !req
249. The engine's really the only
thing that needs checking.Copy !req
250. You been
rotating the tires?
Try to.Copy !req
251. You don't try to,
you do it!Copy !req
252. You don't try to,
you do it!Copy !req
253. Fifty-one percent of all turns
are right turns, you know?Copy !req
254. Try to.Copy !req
255. Twenty thousand dollars?Copy !req
256. Elaine,
that's twice the amount
I authorized you to spend.Copy !req
257. I know, Mr. Peterman.Copy !req
258. But— But—
But once I saw them,Copy !req
259. I just couldn't stand
to let anyone else
have them.Copy !req
260. And certainly not some
stuck-up candy-bar heiressCopy !req
261. who shamelessly flaunts
herself in public
without any regard—Copy !req
262. Well, where are they?Copy !req
263. They should
be here today.Copy !req
264. Uh, uh, Mr. Wilhelm.Copy !req
265. Yes, George.Copy !req
266. Hi, I-I was just, uh...Copy !req
267. I just have
one little question about,
uh, my assignment.Copy !req
268. Yes. Well,
I trust things are
moving smoothly.Copy !req
269. Mr. Steinbrenner's
counting on you.Copy !req
270. Yes, yes. Very smooth,
super smooth.Copy !req
271. No, but I really
want to attack
this thing.Copy !req
272. You know,
sink my teeth into it.Copy !req
273. So I-I was
just wondering...Copy !req
274. what do you think would
be the very best way
to get started?Copy !req
275. what do you think would
be the very best way
to get started?Copy !req
276. Get started?
I don't understand,
George.Copy !req
277. Well, I was wondering—
You mean you haven't
been to payroll?Copy !req
278. Payroll.
No, haven't done that.
What's the problem?Copy !req
279. Now, come on, George.Copy !req
280. I told the big man
you were moving on this.Copy !req
281. Now, don't let him down!Copy !req
282. Payroll!Copy !req
283. Hello, there.Copy !req
284. I'm, uh...Copy !req
285. I'm George Costanza.Copy !req
286. I'm George Costanza.Copy !req
287. Yes.Copy !req
288. Assistant to
the traveling secretary.Copy !req
289. I'm, uh...Copy !req
290. working on the project.Copy !req
291. What project?Copy !req
292. Payroll project.Copy !req
293. Wilhelm?Copy !req
294. Big, uh...
Big payroll project.Copy !req
295. You're gonna have
to fill me in. I...Copy !req
296. You know what? I'll...
I'll look around
for awhile.Copy !req
297. Just browse around.
Hey, wait. Excuse me.Copy !req
298. Uh, you can't
come back here.Copy !req
299. Uh, you can't
come back here.Copy !req
300. I am under direct orders
from Mr. Wilhelm.Copy !req
301. If you have a problem
with that,Copy !req
302. maybe you should just
take it up with him.Copy !req
303. Well, maybe I will.Copy !req
304. You know what?
I urge you to
take it up with him.Copy !req
305. Go ahead.
Give him a call.Copy !req
306. He'll tell you
what I'm doing here.Copy !req
307. Then you can tell me.Copy !req
308. Mr. Wilhelm, uh,
this is Lafarge
in payroll.Copy !req
309. There's a Costanza here.Copy !req
310. Says he's working
on some project.Copy !req
311. Oh.Copy !req
312. Oh, I see.Copy !req
313. Interesting.
Well, that's...Copy !req
314. Interesting.
Well, that's...Copy !req
315. quite a project.Copy !req
316. All right. Thank you.Copy !req
317. Uh...Copy !req
318. I-I'm sorry, uh...
that I doubted you.Copy !req
319. Whatever you need,
just make yourself
at home.Copy !req
320. So he explained it
all to you?Copy !req
321. Yes, he explained it all
very clearly.Copy !req
322. What did he tell you?Copy !req
323. Look, you were right,
I was wrong!Copy !req
324. You don't have
to humiliate me
about it, all right?Copy !req
325. Damn.Copy !req
326. Oh, Mother's Day.Copy !req
327. Wait. Wait a second.Copy !req
328. Mother's Day? Ah—Copy !req
329. Yeah.Copy !req
330. Yeah.Copy !req
331. Yesss!Copy !req
332. Come on, Kramer!Copy !req
333. What?
It's the truck, Kramer.
The truck!Copy !req
334. What?
It's the truck, Kramer.
The truck!Copy !req
335. Look, Newman, I told you
to let this thing go!Copy !req
336. No, no, no, listen to me.Copy !req
337. Most days the post office
sends one truckload of mailCopy !req
338. to the second domestic
regional sorting facilityCopy !req
339. in Saginaw, Michigan.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
340. But on the week
before holidays,
we a see surge.Copy !req
341. On Valentine's Day,
we send two trucks.Copy !req
342. On Christmas,
four packed to the brim.Copy !req
343. And tomorrow,
if history is any guide,Copy !req
344. we'll see some spillover
into a fifth truck.Copy !req
345. Mother's Day.Copy !req
346. The mother of
all mail days.Copy !req
347. And guess who's signed up
for the truck?Copy !req
348. And guess who's signed up
for the truck?Copy !req
349. A free truck?
(LAUGHS)Copy !req
350. Oh, boy. That completely
changes our cost structure.Copy !req
351. Our G and A
goes down 50 percent.Copy !req
352. We carry a couple
of bags of mail,
and the rest is ours!Copy !req
353. Newman,
you magnificent bastard,
you did it!Copy !req
354. Let the collecting begin!Copy !req
355. So.Copy !req
356. So.Copy !req
357. Did you go down
to payroll?Copy !req
358. Yes, payroll.
Yes, I did.Copy !req
359. Very productive.
Payroll paid off.Copy !req
360. Then I guess you'll
be heading downtown,
then, huh?Copy !req
361. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
362. Downtown.Copy !req
363. Definitely.Copy !req
364. Well, I'm very interested
to see how this thing
turns out.Copy !req
365. Yeah, you said it.
Excuse me, Mr. Wilhelm,Copy !req
366. uh, do you
really think—?Copy !req
367. Well...
I-Is—?Copy !req
368. Is this downtown trip
really necessary,Copy !req
369. you know,
for the project?Copy !req
370. Oh, no, you've got
to go downtown, George.Copy !req
371. Oh, no, you've got
to go downtown, George.Copy !req
372. It's all downtown.Copy !req
373. Just like the song says.Copy !req
374. The song?Copy !req
375. There's your answer,Copy !req
376. "Downtown."Copy !req
377. The song "Downtown"?Copy !req
378. You mean,
the Petula Clark song?Copy !req
379. Yeah.Copy !req
380. You sure
he didn't mention itCopy !req
381. because you happened
to be going downtown?Copy !req
382. I think he was trying
to tell me something,Copy !req
383. like it had some
sort of a meaning.Copy !req
384. Okay.
So how does it go?Copy !req
385. "When you're aloneCopy !req
386. "When you're aloneCopy !req
387. "and life is
making you lonely,Copy !req
388. you can always go..."Copy !req
389. "Downtown."Copy !req
390. "Maybe you know
some little places to goCopy !req
391. where they never close."Copy !req
392. "Downtown."Copy !req
393. Wait a second.
Little places to go
that never close.Copy !req
394. What's a little place
that never closes?Copy !req
395. 7-Eleven?Copy !req
396. Maybe.Copy !req
397. "Just listen
to the musicCopy !req
398. "of the traffic
in the city.Copy !req
399. "of the traffic
in the city.Copy !req
400. "Linger on the sidewalkCopy !req
401. where the neon lights
are pretty."Copy !req
402. Where the neon lights
are pretty.Copy !req
403. The Broadway area?Copy !req
404. No, that's midtown.Copy !req
405. "The lights
are much brighter there.Copy !req
406. "You can forget
all your troubles,Copy !req
407. "forget all your cares.Copy !req
408. Just go."Copy !req
409. "Down... town."Copy !req
410. "Things will be great
when you're..."Copy !req
411. "Downtown."Copy !req
412. I got nothing, Jerry.
Nothing.Copy !req
413. Well.Copy !req
414. "Don't hang around
and let your troubles
surround you.Copy !req
415. There are movie shows."Copy !req
416. You think I should
come clean?Copy !req
417. What do you think?
You think I should
confess?Copy !req
418. How can you lose?Copy !req
419. (OVER ANSWERING MACHINE)
Yeah, Jerry,
it's Tony Abado at the shop.Copy !req
420. Look, we gotta talk.
You better come down.Copy !req
421. Any time after 4.Copy !req
422. Hello.Copy !req
423. Hi, it's me.
Oh, hi.Copy !req
424. Listen, I need
to come overCopy !req
425. and pick up the clubs
for Peterman.Copy !req
426. Oh, you know what?Copy !req
427. Oh, no. What?Copy !req
428. No, it's no big deal.
I left the clubs
in the car.Copy !req
429. You left them in the car?Copy !req
430. How could you
leave them in the car?Copy !req
431. How could you
leave them in the car?Copy !req
432. I forgot.Copy !req
433. Oh, go down
and get them.Copy !req
434. No, I can't.
The car's at
the mechanic's.Copy !req
435. Oh, this is great.Copy !req
436. All right.
Well, where is
the mechanic?Copy !req
437. I'll just go
and pick 'em up myself.Copy !req
438. No, no, you can't.Copy !req
439. He's working
on the car right now.Copy !req
440. You cannot disturb him
while he's working.Copy !req
441. I'm going there
in like an hourCopy !req
442. if you wanna meet me
down there.Copy !req
443. You know the place.
It's on 56th Street.Copy !req
444. Ugh. Okay.
All right. Fine.Copy !req
445. Hey, Tony.Copy !req
446. Thanks for
coming in, Jerry.Copy !req
447. Sure.Copy !req
448. Sure.Copy !req
449. I think I know
what's going on here.Copy !req
450. And I just wanna
hear it from you.Copy !req
451. But I want you
to be straight with me.Copy !req
452. Don't lie to me, Jerry.Copy !req
453. You know that motor oil
you're putting in there?Copy !req
454. It's from one of those
quickie lube places,
isn't it?Copy !req
455. Well, I change it
so often. I mean—Copy !req
456. Jerry, motor oil
is the lifeblood
of a car.Copy !req
457. Okay? You put in
a low-grade oil,Copy !req
458. you can damage
vital engine parts.Copy !req
459. Okay, see this gasket?Copy !req
460. I have no confidence
in that gasket.Copy !req
461. Tony, I really don't—Copy !req
462. Here's what I wanna do.Copy !req
463. Here's what I wanna do.Copy !req
464. I wanna overhaul
the entire engine.Copy !req
465. But it's gonna take
a major commitment
from you.Copy !req
466. You're gonna have to
keep it under 60 miles
an hour for awhile.Copy !req
467. You gotta come in,Copy !req
468. and you gotta
get the oil changed
every thousand miles.Copy !req
469. How much money
is this gonna cost me?Copy !req
470. I don't understand you.Copy !req
471. It's your own car
we're talking about.Copy !req
472. You know, you wrote
the wrong mileage down
on the form.Copy !req
473. You barely
know the car.Copy !req
474. You don't
know the mileage,
the tire pressure.Copy !req
475. When was the last time
you checked
the washer fluid?Copy !req
476. When was the last time
you checked
the washer fluid?Copy !req
477. But the washer fluid
is fine.Copy !req
478. The washer fluid
is not fine!Copy !req
479. All right,
you know what? Um...Copy !req
480. I just wanna take my car,
and I'm gonna bring it
someplace else.Copy !req
481. What do you mean?Copy !req
482. Just can I have my car?Copy !req
483. I'm gonna pay my bill,
and I'm gonna be on my way.Copy !req
484. Well, the car's
on a lift.Copy !req
485. Well, just get it down.Copy !req
486. All right.Copy !req
487. Okay. Um, wait here,
and I'll...Copy !req
488. I'll bring it around.
Okay.Copy !req
489. Thank you very much.Copy !req
490. Thank you very much.Copy !req
491. Hey.Copy !req
492. Where's the car?
Hi.Copy !req
493. He's bringing it.
Good.Copy !req
494. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
495. So, what did they say?Copy !req
496. They're sending a detective
to my apartment tomorrow.Copy !req
497. What the hell
were you thinking leaving
my clubs in that car?Copy !req
498. Well, I didn't count on
my mechanicCopy !req
499. pulling a Mary Beth
Whitehead, did I?Copy !req
500. Well, what kind of maniac
is this guy?Copy !req
501. He's a very
special maniac.Copy !req
502. What am I supposed
to tell Mr. Peterman?Copy !req
503. I don't know.Copy !req
504. Why couldn't you take
better care of that car?Copy !req
505. Well, are they here?Copy !req
506. Mr. Peterman, uh...Copy !req
507. There seems to be
a bit of a snag.Copy !req
508. There seems to be
a bit of a snag.Copy !req
509. Snag.Copy !req
510. It seems that
a psychotic mechanicCopy !req
511. has absconded
with my friend's car.Copy !req
512. What does that
have to do
with my clubs?Copy !req
513. They happened to be
in the back seat
at the time.Copy !req
514. What was
the suspect wearingCopy !req
515. at the time
of the incident?Copy !req
516. You know,
like mechanic's pants,Copy !req
517. a shirt
that said "Tony."Copy !req
518. Lemme ask you something.
Have you ever seen
a case like this before?Copy !req
519. Lemme ask you something.
Have you ever seen
a case like this before?Copy !req
520. All the time.Copy !req
521. Mechanic forms
an emotional attachment.Copy !req
522. Thinks he's gonna
lose the car.Copy !req
523. He panics
and does something rash.Copy !req
524. I'm gonna ask you
some personal questions.Copy !req
525. I'm sorry
if I touch a nerve,Copy !req
526. but I think it'll help
with the case.Copy !req
527. Had you been taking
good care of the car?Copy !req
528. Had I been taking—?
Did you leave the AC on?Copy !req
529. Do you zip over
speed bumps?Copy !req
530. Do you ride the clutch?
Things like that?Copy !req
531. Well,
what does it matter?
It's my car.Copy !req
532. I can do whatever
I want with it.Copy !req
533. Not that I would...Copy !req
534. Not that I would...Copy !req
535. think of doing
such things.Copy !req
536. All right,
Mr. Seinfeld,Copy !req
537. we'll let you know
if we find anything.Copy !req
538. I gotta be honest
with you.Copy !req
539. These cases never
end up well.Copy !req
540. Well, whatever
you can do. Thanks.Copy !req
541. Oh, Mr. Wilhelm,
about the project, sir.Copy !req
542. That's what I came to
talk to you about.Copy !req
543. Great job, George.
You really nailed it.Copy !req
544. I did?Copy !req
545. Oh, yes,
I read through it
this morning.Copy !req
546. I couldn't have
done it better myself.Copy !req
547. I couldn't have
done it better myself.Copy !req
548. And I turned it
right over to
Mr. Steinbrenner.Copy !req
549. Good work, George.Copy !req
550. I don't get it.Copy !req
551. He assigns it to you.Copy !req
552. You don't do it.Copy !req
553. Somehow it gets done,Copy !req
554. and now he's telling you
what a great job you did.Copy !req
555. Maybe somebody did it
and didn't take credit
for it.Copy !req
556. Maybe it was
already doneCopy !req
557. and didn't need doing
in the first place.Copy !req
558. I have no idea
who did it,Copy !req
559. what they did,
or how they did it
so well.Copy !req
560. And you know what?Copy !req
561. Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care.Copy !req
562. Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care.Copy !req
563. The gardener did a nice job
planting the rose bushes,
didn't he, dear?Copy !req
564. You planted
the rose bushes, dear.Copy !req
565. I did?Copy !req
566. Yesterday.
You remember.Copy !req
567. That's right.Copy !req
568. Oh, what's for dinner?Copy !req
569. We just ate.Copy !req
570. Did you forget
to take your medicine?Copy !req
571. Oh...Copy !req
572. The point is,
however it got done,Copy !req
573. it's done.Copy !req
574. it's done.Copy !req
575. So... any luck
with the car?Copy !req
576. Nah, the police
have no leads,Copy !req
577. and I just found out today
my insurance doesn't cover it.Copy !req
578. Why not?
They don't
consider it stolenCopy !req
579. if you willfully
give the guy the keys.Copy !req
580. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
581. Hey, what'd
the detective say?Copy !req
582. They're looking.Copy !req
583. I gotta go.Copy !req
584. Yello.Copy !req
585. Mr. Seinfeld?
Yeah.Copy !req
586. It's Detective McMahon.Copy !req
587. I'm at the warehouse
on pier 38.Copy !req
588. Uh... I think you'd better
get down here.Copy !req
589. Uh... I think you'd better
get down here.Copy !req
590. Yeah, okay.
They may have
found the car.Copy !req
591. Are the clubs in it?
Ask him.Copy !req
592. Are there golf clubs
in the back?Copy !req
593. We really can't tell.Copy !req
594. You better bring
your service records.Copy !req
595. Watch where you step.Copy !req
596. There's quite a bit
of grease.Copy !req
597. Detective,
Jerry Seinfeld is here.Copy !req
598. How do you do?
Thanks for coming down.Copy !req
599. This is Elaine Benes.Copy !req
600. We used to date,
but now we're
just friends.Copy !req
601. We used to date,
but now we're
just friends.Copy !req
602. I see.Copy !req
603. You know.Copy !req
604. I'm sorry to make you
go through this,Copy !req
605. but we need
to make sure.Copy !req
606. What's going on?
What is this thing?Copy !req
607. One of our patrolmen
stumbled over this.Copy !req
608. (GASPS)
Oh, my God.Copy !req
609. The block is nearly
split apart.Copy !req
610. We found
the overhead cams
30 feet away.Copy !req
611. We can only hope
the body's sold
for scrap.Copy !req
612. Oh, my God.Copy !req
613. And we know
it's a Saab.Copy !req
614. The angle on the V6
is definitely a '92.Copy !req
615. The model's hard
to determineCopy !req
616. because the drive train
is all burnt out.Copy !req
617. because the drive train
is all burnt out.Copy !req
618. What is that smell?Copy !req
619. Mm.Copy !req
620. Look at the clutch.
(BOTH GASP)Copy !req
621. (GAGS)
Excuse me.Copy !req
622. Whoever did this
didn't just dismantle it.Copy !req
623. I mean,
they took their time,
they had fun,Copy !req
624. they were
very systematic.Copy !req
625. They went out
of their wayCopy !req
626. to gouge the sides
of every piston.Copy !req
627. And the turbo
was separated
from the housing,Copy !req
628. and shoved right up
the exhaust pipe.Copy !req
629. Wait a second. Turbo?Copy !req
630. I didn't have a turbo.Copy !req
631. Your car is
not a turbo?Copy !req
632. Your car is
not a turbo?Copy !req
633. No, it's a 900 S.Copy !req
634. It's a turbo, Elaine.
A turbo!Copy !req
635. (LAUGHING)
It's a turbo!Copy !req
636. Excuse me.
Did you say "turbo"?Copy !req
637. Saab Turbo 9000?Copy !req
638. (SNIFFLING)
Is it... midnight blue?Copy !req
639. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
640. Ah.Copy !req
641. Yello.Copy !req
642. Hey, Jerry. It's Tony.Copy !req
643. Tony, where are you?Copy !req
644. Tony, where are you?Copy !req
645. Oh, look,
I just want you to know
that the car is fine.Copy !req
646. Got her all fixed up.Copy !req
647. We're in a nice area,
no potholes, no traffic.Copy !req
648. So there's nothing
to worry about, okay?Copy !req
649. In fact, here.Copy !req
650. Somebody wants to
talk to you.Copy !req
651. Tony, you better
bring that car back.Copy !req
652. Nobody's giving
anything back!Copy !req
653. You tried to
take it from me.Copy !req
654. I don't forget that.Copy !req
655. Tony, it is my car,
and I want it back.Copy !req
656. Oh, your car?
You want your car back?Copy !req
657. Tony—
Listen.Copy !req
658. Tony—
Listen.Copy !req
659. That registration may have
your name on it, Jerry,Copy !req
660. but this engine's running
on my sweat and my blood.Copy !req
661. Where do I find
these guys?Copy !req
662. How much gas we got?Copy !req
663. Three quarters
of a tank.Copy !req
664. That's better
than we estimated.Copy !req
665. That is seven dollars
and 22 cents better.Copy !req
666. Oh, baby.Copy !req
667. Maybe we could, uh,
stop for a snack.Copy !req
668. No, no, that's not
in the budget.Copy !req
669. Well, the budget changed,
you know.Copy !req
670. I mean, might be
a good investment.Copy !req
671. That's not
a good investment.
That's a loss.Copy !req
672. Hey, you see that car?Copy !req
673. Hey, you see that car?Copy !req
674. Looks like Jerry's.Copy !req
675. I'm gonna check out
that license plate.Copy !req
676. Yeah, those are
New York plates.Copy !req
677. Is that Jerry's number?
I don't know.Copy !req
678. But that's New York
and we're in Ohio.Copy !req
679. Those are
pretty good odds.Copy !req
680. What are you doing?
Calling Jerry.Copy !req
681. On what?Copy !req
682. I brought my phone.Copy !req
683. Hello.Copy !req
684. Hey, Jerry.
What's your
license number?Copy !req
685. What's up?Copy !req
686. Yeah, well,
I think I spotted your car.Copy !req
687. Yeah, well,
I think I spotted your car.Copy !req
688. Oh, my God,
you're kidding.
Hang on a second.Copy !req
689. It's JVN...Copy !req
690. 728.Copy !req
691. Hey, that's it!Copy !req
692. That's it, Newman.
Hey, look, we got him.Copy !req
693. We're driving
right behind him
in a truck.Copy !req
694. Oh, my God. Yeah.
He said he brought it
to the country.Copy !req
695. We're in the country,
and we're right
on his tail.Copy !req
696. Good work, Kramer.
This is incredible.Copy !req
697. Yeah, don't worry, Jerry.Copy !req
698. We're right on this guy
like stink on a monkey!Copy !req
699. I'll check back with ya.Copy !req
700. Elaine Benes.Copy !req
701. Yeah, it's me.
Kramer found the car.Copy !req
702. Yeah, it's me.
Kramer found the car.Copy !req
703. (GASPS)
Oh, my God.
Where is it?Copy !req
704. Somewhere in the country.
They're following him.Copy !req
705. Are the clubs there?Copy !req
706. I don't know.
They're tailing.
I'm waiting for a call.Copy !req
707. All right.
I'm heading over
right now.Copy !req
708. What's the status?Copy !req
709. Last check-in,
they were still on him.Copy !req
710. Have they called
the police yet?Copy !req
711. No, they won't
call the police.
What? Why not?Copy !req
712. They're afraid of trouble
from misusing a mail truck.Copy !req
713. Kramer doesn't
want a record.Copy !req
714. Kramer has a record.Copy !req
715. Not a federal record.Copy !req
716. Kramer?
Kramer?Copy !req
717. What's going on?
Yeah, nothing.Copy !req
718. We're still
following him.Copy !req
719. Wait a second.
He's getting off.Copy !req
720. Yeah, he's gonna
be going south
on the 135.Copy !req
721. Keep following him.Copy !req
722. All right.
I'll follow him.Copy !req
723. We can't.
We're going north
to Michigan.Copy !req
724. Yeah,
hey, listen, I can't.Copy !req
725. It's gonna be taking us
out of our way.Copy !req
726. I need those clubs.Copy !req
727. Kramer, I want my car.Copy !req
728. I don't know
what to do!Copy !req
729. Hey, we got 10,000
deposit bottles here.Copy !req
730. I mean, this guy
could be going
to Arkansas.Copy !req
731. Keep following him.
Don't let me down.Copy !req
732. We can't afford a detour.
Our budget won't hold it.Copy !req
733. We can't afford a detour.
Our budget won't hold it.Copy !req
734. Well, I don't know
what to do, man!Copy !req
735. Stay left! Stay left!Copy !req
736. Left, left, left.
Stay left!Copy !req
737. Right! Go right!
Go south!Copy !req
738. All right, I'm getting off!
I'm gonna go on the ramp!Copy !req
739. I hope you realize
what you've done.Copy !req
740. You've destroyed
our whole venture.Copy !req
741. This ramp is steep.Copy !req
742. All my work, my planning,
my genius, all for naught.Copy !req
743. Look, we're pulling
too much weight.Copy !req
744. He's getting away
from us.
Take the wheel.Copy !req
745. What are you doing?Copy !req
746. I'm gonna
get something.Copy !req
747. Are you crazy?
(TIRES SCREECHING)Copy !req
748. Keep your foot
on the gas.Copy !req
749. Keep your foot
on the gas.Copy !req
750. Hey, you're not
dumping those bottles
back there, are you?Copy !req
751. Hey, Kramer,
those have wholesale value.Copy !req
752. We can cut our losses.Copy !req
753. Bottles below!Copy !req
754. !¡Ándale!Copy !req
755. Love this magnifying glass.
I feel like a scientist.Copy !req
756. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
757. You wanted to
see me, sir?Copy !req
758. You wanted to
see me, sir?Copy !req
759. Uh, come in, George.
Come in.Copy !req
760. Uh, Wilhelm
gave me this project
you worked on.Copy !req
761. Yes, sir.Copy !req
762. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
763. Having any
personal problems
at home?Copy !req
764. Girl trouble?
Love trouble
of any kind?Copy !req
765. No, sir.Copy !req
766. What about drugs?
You doing some of
that crack cocaine?Copy !req
767. You on the pipe?Copy !req
768. No, sir.Copy !req
769. Are you seeing
a psychiatrist?Copy !req
770. Because I got a flash
for you, young man.Copy !req
771. You're non compos mentis.
You got some bats
in the belfry.Copy !req
772. What—?
What are you
talking about?Copy !req
773. George,
I read this report.
It's very troubling.Copy !req
774. Very troubling indeed.
It's a sick mind
at work here.Copy !req
775. Very troubling indeed.
It's a sick mind
at work here.Copy !req
776. Okay, come on, boys.Copy !req
777. Come in here.
George, this is
Herb and Dan.Copy !req
778. They're gonna take you
away to a nice placeCopy !req
779. where you can
get some help.
Very friendly people.Copy !req
780. My brother-in-law
was there for a while.Copy !req
781. The man was obsessed
with lactating women.Copy !req
782. They cured him,
though he still eats
a lot of cheese.Copy !req
783. But you see—Copy !req
784. You see, I didn't
write that report.
That's not mine.Copy !req
785. Of course
you didn't, George.
Of course you didn't.Copy !req
786. I didn't do it!
I— It just got done!Copy !req
787. I don't know
how it got done,
but it did!Copy !req
788. Of course, of course,
it got done.Copy !req
789. Things get done
all the time.
I understand.Copy !req
790. Don't worry, your job
will be waiting for youCopy !req
791. Don't worry, your job
will be waiting for youCopy !req
792. when you get back!Copy !req
793. Get better, George!
Get better!Copy !req
794. Man,
I don't understand this.Copy !req
795. I ditched
every bottle and can,
and we still can't gain.Copy !req
796. It's like we're...Copy !req
797. sluggish.Copy !req
798. We collected
all those bottlesCopy !req
799. and all those cans
for what? What a waste.Copy !req
800. I'm really gonna catch hell
for those missing mail bags.Copy !req
801. Hey, wasn't that
a pie stand back there?Copy !req
802. Hey, wasn't that
a pie stand back there?Copy !req
803. A pie stand?Copy !req
804. Oh, yeah.
Homemade pies,
200 yards back.Copy !req
805. Oh, come on, pull over.
Pull over, will you?
Yeah.Copy !req
806. Where? I-I don't see it.Copy !req
807. Well, open the door.
You'll get a better look.Copy !req
808. I don't see any pie.Copy !req
809. Haaah!Copy !req
810. Kramer!Copy !req
811. I'm sorry, Newman,
you were holding us back.Copy !req
812. Kramer!Copy !req
813. Jerry,
we've lost the fat man,
and we're runnin' lean.Copy !req
814. We're back
on track, buddy.Copy !req
815. Federal employee.Copy !req
816. I hate corn.Copy !req
817. Hmm.Copy !req
818. Hmm.Copy !req
819. Hello, stranger.Copy !req
820. Look, I-I'm sorry
to bother you,Copy !req
821. but I'm a U.S.
postal worker,Copy !req
822. and my mail truck
was just ambushedCopy !req
823. by a band of backwoods,
mail-hating survivalists.Copy !req
824. You just calm down now.
Calm down.Copy !req
825. Don't worry.
We'll take care of you.Copy !req
826. This farm ain't much,
but, uh, you're welcome
to what we have.Copy !req
827. Hot bath,
hearty meal,
Ha-ho.Copy !req
828. clean bed.Copy !req
829. Oh, thank you, sir.Copy !req
830. I just have one rule:Copy !req
831. I just have one rule:Copy !req
832. Keep your hands
off my daughter.Copy !req
833. Jerry, we got him.Copy !req
834. I'm riding his tail.Copy !req
835. There's no escape.
He's running scared,
buddy.Copy !req
836. How's the gas situation?Copy !req
837. I got enough to
get to Memphis.Copy !req
838. He's reaching in back.Copy !req
839. Keeps grabbin'
at something.Copy !req
840. He's pullin' out a gun.
He's got a gun, Jerry!Copy !req
841. Duck, Kramer, duck!Copy !req
842. Jeez!Copy !req
843. Jeez!Copy !req
844. It's a golf club.
There's no gun.Copy !req
845. He— He threw a golf club
at me!Copy !req
846. Those are
JFK's golf clubs.Copy !req
847. Hey, I'm under fire.Copy !req
848. I'm under
heavy fire here.Copy !req
849. Jeez, there goes
a five-iron.Copy !req
850. Stop the truck, Kramer.
Pick up the clubs.Copy !req
851. No, don't stop, Kramer.
Keep going.Copy !req
852. Don't let him get away.Copy !req
853. Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I think he's done.Copy !req
854. Oh, no, he's taking out
the woods!Copy !req
855. Oh! More.Copy !req
856. You'll have to do
a lot better than that!Copy !req
857. Oh!Copy !req
858. What's happening?Copy !req
859. This truck is dying.Copy !req
860. We're losin' him.Copy !req
861. I think we lost him.Copy !req
862. Damn it.Copy !req
863. Can you stop
and pick up
those clubs, Kramer?Copy !req
864. Yeah, yeah,
I'll get 'em.Copy !req
865. Jeez.Copy !req
866. Enjoying
that mutton?Copy !req
867. Oh.Copy !req
868. It's delicious mutton.Copy !req
869. This is, uh...Copy !req
870. This is out of sight.Copy !req
871. I would—Copy !req
872. I would—Copy !req
873. I would love
to get the recipe.Copy !req
874. It's very good.Copy !req
875. That cider
too strong for you?Copy !req
876. No. No,Copy !req
877. I love strong cider.Copy !req
878. I'm a...Copy !req
879. I'm a big strong-cider guy.Copy !req
880. Gonna be
milkin' the Holsteins
in the morning,Copy !req
881. if you'd like to
lend a hand.Copy !req
882. if you'd like to
lend a hand.Copy !req
883. You know, I don't really
know that much about, uh—Copy !req
884. I don't have any—Copy !req
885. I-I don't think
I know much about that.Copy !req
886. Ah, Susie will
just teach you.Copy !req
887. Just gotta pull on
the teets a little.Copy !req
888. It's nice having a big...Copy !req
889. strong man around.Copy !req
890. You know, those mail bags,
they get mighty heavy.Copy !req
891. I, uh...Copy !req
892. I Nautilus, of course.Copy !req
893. Can I have some gravy?
Just...Copy !req
894. Steinbrenner had
me committed!
I'm in the nuthouse.Copy !req
895. I'll be back same time
next week, Pop.Copy !req
896. They— They took
my belt, Jerry.Copy !req
897. (WHIMPERS)
I got nothing
to hold my pants up.Copy !req
898. Well, you gotta
come over here now!Copy !req
899. Just tell him
what we talked about,Copy !req
900. how I-I didn't do
the project, heh-heh.Copy !req
901. George?Copy !req
902. I see you're finally
getting some help.Copy !req
903. Oh, Deena, thank God.
Thank God, you're here.Copy !req
904. Oh, Deena, thank God.
Thank God, you're here.Copy !req
905. Listen,
you gotta help me.Copy !req
906. You— You gotta tell
these people that I'm okay.Copy !req
907. You know that I don't
belong in here.Copy !req
908. George...Copy !req
909. this is
the best thing for you.Copy !req
910. Yeah.Copy !req
911. What? No, no, Deena.
Deena, wait!
Deena, help!Copy !req
912. It's not what
it looks like.Copy !req
913. Is that
little Georgie C?Copy !req
914. How's the folks?Copy !req
915. You still got
that nice little car?Copy !req
916. Aagh! Aagh!Copy !req
917. What are you doing?Copy !req
918. Kramer, help me,
help me!Copy !req
919. Jeez!Copy !req
920. I told you to keep away
from my daughter!Copy !req
921. Aagh-ha-ha!Copy !req
922. (GUNSHOT)
Yeow!Copy !req
923. Don't, Daddy,
you'll hurt him.Copy !req
924. Don't, Daddy,
you'll hurt him.Copy !req
925. I love him.Copy !req
926. Goodbye, Norman!Copy !req
927. Goodbye!Copy !req
928. Elaine, you found the clubs.
That's wonderful news.Copy !req
929. Where are they?Copy !req
930. Yep.Copy !req
931. Let me get 'em for you,
Mr. Peterman.Copy !req
932. Oh, I'll be
inaugurating them
this weekend,Copy !req
933. with none other
than Ethel Kennedy.Copy !req
934. A woman whose triumph
in the face of tragedyCopy !req
935. is exceeded only
by her proclivity
to procreate.Copy !req
936. The, uh...Copy !req
937. The letter of...
authenticity isCopy !req
938. in the side pocket there.Copy !req
939. Elaine.Copy !req
940. I never knew Kennedy
had such a temper.Copy !req
941. Oh— Oh, yeah.Copy !req
942. The only thing worse
was his slice.Copy !req
943. See you on Monday.Copy !req
944. See you on Monday.Copy !req
945. Have a good game.Copy !req