Seinfeld 6x9

1. I don't even know what is supposed to be

2. so attractive about fur.

3. Why does a man wanna see a woman in fur?

4. Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits,

5. pluck their eyebrows.

6. And then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear?

7. To me the only reason to wear fur

8. would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal.

9. Did you ever see those tribal hunters

10. where they wear the fur, and then they have

11. the other animal's head on top of their head?

12. You know, I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going,

13. "Yeah, that looks real good.

14. "Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goofball

15. "Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goofball

16. "with the extra head because there's nothing fishy

17. "going on there.

18. "I'll just keep drinking from the stream.

19. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees."

20. So I am actually gonna have a secretary.

21. And, I get to do the interview.

22. It's incredible. Six months ago,

23. you were taking messages for your mother.

24. Yeah, and now someone's gonna be taking messages for me.

25. From your mother.

26. So this woman you plan on hiring—

27. Is she gonna be in the spokesmodel category?

28. Sure, I could go the tomato route.

29. But, uh, I've given this a lot of thought, Jerry.

30. All that frustration— I'll never get any work done.

31. So I'm doing a complete 360.

32. So I'm doing a complete 360.

33. I'm going for total efficiency and ability.

34. That's a 180, George.

35. Whatever.

36. Hi, Willie.

37. Hey, Jerry.

38. I got this stuff and my mother's fur for storage.

39. What are you doing with it?

40. Oh, she keeps it in my apartment

41. for when she comes up from Florida.

42. Hi. Hi.

43. Hey, Jerry. You know my wife, Donna.

44. Yeah. That's why I said hi.

45. Hey, nice jacket.

46. Thanks. Hound's tooth.

47. Whoa, this is a beauty.

48. Great cut.

49. It's probably very flattering.

50. Oh, yes. It really accentuates my bust line.

51. Oh, yes. It really accentuates my bust line.

52. Well, I type about 90 words a minute.

53. I'm completely well-versed in all the IBM

54. and Macintosh programs.

55. Well, Miss Coggins,

56. you're obviously qualified for the job.

57. You have all the necessary skills and experience.

58. But you're extremely attractive. You're gorgeous,

59. and looking at you, I can't even remember my name.

60. So I'm afraid this is not gonna work out.

61. Thanks for coming.

62. You're luscious.

63. You're ravishing.

64. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra.

65. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra.

66. I'm terribly sorry. Terribly sorry.

67. As you can see, my references are impeccable.

68. I think I'd be a real asset here.

69. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother,

70. so will there be many late nights?

71. I can't imagine.

72. Okay, so Barney's is having this huge sale.

73. I try this dress on.

74. Stunning. Stunning.

75. I couldn't take my eyes off myself.

76. Yeah.

77. Okay, so then I put it on at home.

78. Looks like I'm carrying twins.

79. Looks like I'm carrying twins.

80. So you're saying store, hotsy-totsy,

81. home, hotsy-notsy.

82. Yeah. Exactly.

83. Anyway, I gotta go over there and return it.

84. I thought we're goin' to the movies?

85. All right, I'll try it on again.

86. You tell me what you think. All right.

87. Hey, hey.

88. Hey, George. Hey, Elaine.

89. I am telling you, Jerry.

90. Having a secretary is incredible.

91. I don't know why I didn't have one before.

92. Because you didn't have a job?

93. Perhaps.

94. I walk in, everything is organized:

95. messages, appointments.

96. messages, appointments.

97. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself

98. for going with Ada.

99. A lesser man would have crumbled.

100. They would've gone for the dish

101. and the sure-fire sexual harassment suit.

102. It's a little—

103. All right.

104. You answered it right there.

105. You got no waist in that thing.

106. And your arms look like something

107. hanging in a kosher deli.

108. I said all right.

109. Well, what'd you buy it for?

110. Why did I buy it?

111. Why did I buy it?

112. Because in the mirror at Barney's,

113. I looked fabulous.

114. This woman who was just walking by

115. said I looked like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.

116. How fast was she walking?

117. De-mi?

118. I thought it was Dem-i.

119. No, I think it's De-mi.

120. Really?

121. I never heard of a se-mi tractor-trailer.

122. Wait a minute.

123. Wait a minute. I know what's going on here.

124. Skinny mirrors.

125. Skinny mirrors.

126. What?

127. Skinny mirrors.

128. Barney's has skinny mirrors.

129. They make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.

130. Oh, you're crazy.

131. Am I?

132. Do you think I would have bought this dress

133. if I looked like this at Barney's?

134. You know, I think she may have something there.

135. Oh! Whoa.

136. What are you all dressed up for?

137. I'm returning this dress to Barney's.

138. Good idea.

139. Do it tomorrow. We'll go to the movies.

140. Yeah, yeah, okay.

141. Look, if you're going there,

142. maybe you could pick me up

143. maybe you could pick me up

144. some of this super hydrating—

145. It's a total protection moisturizer with UVA.

146. Yeah.

147. Moisturizer? That's girl stuff.

148. No, no, no. Look. I'll tell you what.

149. They're having a sale, right? Yeah?

150. I'll meet you down there. We'll have lunch.

151. Well, we could.

152. Yeah, we'll get to know each other.

153. We never get to spend any time together.

154. Oh, sure, we have our little group here—

155. And then, assuming the strike is resolved,

156. on April 14th, we play the Angels.

157. on April 14th, we play the Angels.

158. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.

159. Anaheim Hotel.

160. You may wanna reconsider.

161. I believe they only have room service until 10 p.m.,

162. and then it's only finger foods.

163. Ada, you're a wonder.

164. Okay, now, I projected some of those figures for you

165. regarding the switch to canola oil for the stadium popcorn,

166. and surprisingly, it will only cost a half a cent more per bag,

167. so it is definitely doable.

168. Ada, I have to tell you.

169. I— I have never met anybody so... efficient.

170. Well, thank you. I'm flattered.

171. Well, thank you. I'm flattered.

172. I mean, you're just a marvel of organization.

173. Well, I'm just doing my job.

174. It's like I'm— I'm thinking of something,

175. and you're one step ahead of me.

176. What can I say? I'm— I'm good at what I do.

177. Do you, uh... Do you know what I'm thinking about now?

178. Yes, I think I do.

179. Yes, I think I do.

180. Is it, uh... doable?

181. It's definitely doable.

182. Well, that was the worst.

183. I can't believe they made the wife the killer.

184. Give me a break.

185. Hey, give us a break.

186. We haven't seen it yet.

187. Thanks a lot, big mouth.

188. You got a pen?

189. Yeah, I think I do.

190. I need something to write on.

191. I need something to write on.

192. Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.

193. I just met Uma Thurman.

194. She's giving me her telephone number.

195. Uma, Jerry. Uma!

196. Uma Thurman? Really?

197. How'd you manage that?

198. Yeah, well, I— I don't have any time to talk now.

199. He's got the kavorca.

200. Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?

201. Where?

202. He just went in.

203. You know, I—

204. I think he was wearing my hound's tooth jacket.

205. What would he be doing wearing your jacket?

206. What would he be doing wearing your jacket?

207. It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned.

208. He complemented me on it.

209. Are you sure?

210. I got it.

211. Uma, Uma, Uma.

212. You are amazing.

213. Yeah. All right.

214. Taxi's on me.

215. No, no, no, no.

216. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket,

217. then go around the back of the shirt.

218. Ada, you're incredible.

219. Oh!

220. Here, I wanna show you something.

221. Hand me that pillow.

222. What?

223. Oh, my God!

224. Mr. Costanza!

225. Ada, ah! Ah! Ahh!

226. I'm giving you a raise!

227. So you're having sex. Then all of a sudden

228. you just blurt out:

229. "I'm giving you a raise?"

230. "I'm giving you a raise?"

231. Yeah.

232. Just a quick sidebar here.

233. Are you in any way authorized to give raises?

234. Not that I'm aware of. No.

235. So you're so grateful to have sex,

236. you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head?

237. I didn't think ahead.

238. Well, maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.

239. I didn't say any other bawdy things.

240. Maybe you could have sex with her again

241. and then take it back.

242. All right. You know, you're not any help at all here.

243. All right. You know, you're not any help at all here.

244. I don't know what the point is of talking to you about it.

245. All right, all right. I'm sorry.

246. Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do

247. is to go into George Steinbrenner's office

248. and tell him that he has to give her a raise.

249. How long's she been there?

250. Three days.

251. It's almost a week.

252. Oh, my God. What?

253. It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show.

254. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner's

255. been wearing my clothes.

256. These mirrors are skinny mirrors.

257. This is false...

258. reflecting.

259. And I think that the department of...

260. you know, whatever,

261. would be very interested to know what's going on here.

262. Well, we're more than happy to exchange it

263. for something else.

264. Okay, fine.

265. I did like that little Calvin Klein number

266. right by the elevator.

267. You know, with the little—

268. You know, with the little—

269. I'll bring it to your dressing room.

270. Okay. Thanks so much.

271. What are you all dressed up for?

272. Well, Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue,

273. you don't wanna skimp on the swank.

274. I like your little bag. Huh?

275. Oh, hey, look at this.

276. This is a super-hydrating, triple-action moisturizer.

277. Wait until that Uma smells this UVA.

278. Hey, Kramer.

279. Hey, Bania.

280. What's happening?

281. What's happening?

282. I'm looking for a new suit.

283. I can't find anything I like.

284. That's a nice suit.

285. Well, thank you.

286. Did you get that here?

287. No, no, no. This is vintage.

288. They don't make this stuff anymore.

289. You're telling me. I sure am.

290. It's hard for me to find pants that—

291. That don't make you look high-waisted?

292. Yes. Me too.

293. What size are you?

294. Uh, 42.

295. Forty-two? That's what I am now.

296. I been working out. I'm huge.

297. How'd you like to sell it?

298. Make me an offer.

299. Make me an offer.

300. One hundred bucks.

301. Surely you jest?

302. One seventy-five?

303. Look at the stitching.

304. This is old-world craftsmanship.

305. Three hundred dollars.

306. Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.

307. You'll throw the shirt in?

308. Bania, you're killing me.

309. Hey, that's the women's dressing room.

310. There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before.

311. Mr. Steinbrenner, can I talk to you for a second?

312. Mr. Steinbrenner, can I talk to you for a second?

313. Yes, yes, George. Can you talk to me for a second?

314. Of course, you can. I'm a very accessible man.

315. I just wanna say, you're doing great work

316. on that canola oil stuff.

317. Well, you know, to be honest, sir,

318. my new secretary, Ada, came up with that one.

319. Ada? Ada. I like that name, George.

320. She supports her whole family.

321. Is that a fact, George.

322. Yes. In fact, her mother's in the hospital right now.

323. It's some kind of diverticulitis.

324. I had a bout of that myself one time.

325. It knocked me right on my ass.

326. She can't even afford to go out to lunch.

327. She can't even afford to go out to lunch.

328. She— She's been eating in high school cafeterias.

329. She pretends to be a teacher.

330. Pathetic.

331. What does that cost her? Like two and a quarter?

332. I was just thinking that—

333. She could really use a raise.

334. She'd be better off making a sandwich at home

335. and bringing it in. Hello?

336. George, will you excuse me?

337. Psst. Hey!

338. Kramer?

339. What are you doing?

340. Listen. I need you to get me some clothes.

341. Listen. I need you to get me some clothes.

342. What?

343. I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool 300.

344. So go buy a new one.

345. At this place?

346. It would destroy my whole profit margin.

347. So? Listen.

348. Do me a favor. Just call Jerry.

349. Tell him to bring me some clothes.

350. Oh, God.

351. Hello, Willie.

352. Hey, Jerry.

353. You're dropping off?

354. No, but, uh, seen any good movies lately?

355. No, but, uh, seen any good movies lately?

356. You came by to ask that?

357. Yeah.

358. Specifically 9:30 shows.

359. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie?

360. What are you getting at?

361. I saw you the other night stepping out

362. with my hound's tooth jacket.

363. Jerry, that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's code.

364. You need a code to tell you not to wear people's clothes?

365. I wasn't wearing your jacket.

366. Jerry, your imagining—

367. Am I imagining this?

368. Found that little cutie in the pocket.

369. Jerry, I—

370. Yeah, well, now that we understand each other,

371. I'll be taking my business elsewhere.

372. And I want my mother's fur coat back too.

373. Jerry, come on.

374. Now.

375. Now?

376. Yeah, I want that coat.

377. Well, I—

378. Where's the ticket?

379. Oh, Kramer.

380. Wait— Wait a minute.

381. You mean to tell me that you don't have a ticket

382. for the coat?

383. for the coat?

384. No, not on me.

385. Well, I— I need to see that ticket.

386. Why? I got my cleaning before without a ticket.

387. Yeah, but this is different.

388. Those fur storage warehouses are huge.

389. You can't get anything without a number.

390. All right. I'll be back.

391. Yeah, it looks good here, but what does that mean?

392. So, uh, do you want it?

393. I don't know. I have to think about it.

394. I need a non-partisan mirror.

395. I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza.

396. I'm so grateful.

397. Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner.

398. I told him you have been doing great work.

399. I said that you deserved a raise and if you didn't get it,

400. that I was leaving.

401. that I was leaving.

402. It was just so generous.

403. Oh, well, don't worry about it.

404. He's got plenty of money.

405. Oh, I know.

406. But 25,000?

407. So you got a $25,000-a-year raise?

408. Yes.

409. Oh, I tell you. Mr. Steinbrenner was—

410. You know, you're— You're making more than I am.

411. I am?

412. A secretary cannot make more than her boss.

413. Well, apparently they can.

414. Oh, this is insanity.

415. I'm not this hippy.

416. Hey. Hey, what do you think of this?

417. You'll never pull it off.

418. Hey, what's going on in there?

419. Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find,

420. like, women's moisturizer lotions?

421. This woman's been in there for over an hour.

422. Excuse me, miss. Is everything okay in there?

423. Yeah.

424. Kramer?

425. Jerry. You got my clothes?

426. What clothes?

427. Didn't Elaine call you?

428. No.

429. Well, what are you doing here?

430. What am I doing here?

431. You're in the women's dressing room.

432. I need that ticket stub back so I can get

433. my mother's fur coat out.

434. Oh, the stub.

435. Yeah. I left it in my— My pants.

436. Yeah. I left it in my— My pants.

437. Where are your pants?

438. Well— I sold them to Bania.

439. What? You sold your pants to Bania?

440. Let me in.

441. Why did you sell your pants to Bania?

442. I had Uma Thurman's number written on that stub.

443. I lost Uma's number.

444. Where are your clothes?

445. I told you. I sold them to Bania.

446. You mean what you were wearing?

447. Yeah.

448. How'd you expect to get out of here?

449. Well, I didn't think ahead.

450. This isn't gonna work for me.

451. So if you could show me something else.

452. No.

453. No?

454. No, because you're taking that one.

455. I am?

456. Yes. You wore it outside.

457. That's preposterous.

458. I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.

459. Shall I wrap it, or will you wear it out?

460. No, you can wrap it.

461. Kramer, you still in there?

462. Elaine?

463. Jerry?

464. Elaine? Where's Kramer?

465. Bania?

466. Kramer?

467. I'm going out.

468. Jerry. Bania.

469. Kramer, I want my money back for this suit.

470. Your nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pocket.

471. Suits ruined.

472. Well, you're not getting any money back.

473. Jerry, come back.

474. Excuse me.

475. Excuse me.

476. Uma's number's on that ticket.

477. Never mind Uma. I need to get my mother's fur coat back.

478. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit.

479. I'm not gonna give him $300 now for a suit

480. with moisturizer cream all over it.

481. I got an idea.

482. What?

483. I can't believe I'm gonna do this.

484. Can I talk to you for a second?

485. How's everything going?

486. Pretty good. Yeah.

487. Well, see, the thing of it is,

488. I'm in a bit of an awkward position here

489. because I don't wanna get between you two guys,

490. because I don't wanna get between you two guys,

491. but... I need a dry-cleaning ticket

492. that's in the pocket of those pants.

493. Well, all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back

494. and you'll get your ticket.

495. Yeah, yeah. All right.

496. Well, uh, tell you what I will do, Bania.

497. You give me the ticket,

498. and, uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.

499. Can we go back to Mendy's?

500. You wanna go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's.

501. Twice. I wanna go twice.

502. All right, let's be reasonable, Bania.

503. I'm taking you out for a nice dinner.

504. All I want is a ticket from that pocket.

505. I think that's a pretty good deal.

506. Two Mendy's.

507. All right.

508. Just give me the ticket.

509. There you go. Ohh!

510. But, Mr. Steinbrenner,

511. how can I be expected to perform my job properly,

512. knowing that my subordinate is making more money than I am?

513. With all due respect, sir, it's out of whack.

514. Uh-huh. I understand what you're saying.

515. I know what it's like to be financially strapped.

516. When I was a young man,

517. I used to hitchhike to work.

518. I used to hitchhike to work.

519. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck.

520. You think that stuff smells good?

521. Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.

522. I couldn't look at a doughnut for the next two years.

523. Well, not that I was ever one for the sweets.

524. Sure, I like a cupcake now and then like everybody else.

525. You know, I like it when they have a little cream

526. on the inside. It's a surprise. That's good.

527. Plus the chocolate ones are good too.

528. Sometimes, I just can't even make up my mind.

529. A lot of times, I'll mix the two together,

530. make a vanilla fudge.

531. Let me in. It's me.

532. Here.

533. You don't know what this is costing me.

534. All right. Nice work.

535. All right. Nice work.

536. Where's Uma's number?

537. The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.

538. The dry-cleaning number's gone too.

539. It must have been the botanical extracts.

540. Give me that.

541. Hey, Bania.

542. The dinner's off.

543. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out.

544. You trying to get out of Mendy's?

545. You can't do that.

546. The ticket is worthless.

547. You promised me.

548. Hey. Isn't that my mother's fur coat?

549. No, it's not.

550. It is. Give me that back.

551. Do you think the dry-cleaner's your own personal closet?

552. Hey, Donna. Think you can get the salt stain out of this?

553. Let me see.

554. Piece of cake.

555. Piece of cake.

556. Bring it in.

557. What size is it?

558. Mmm. This soup is great.

559. Yeah, it's very good.

560. I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup.

561. The best, Jerry, the best.

562. Are you enjoying it?

563. Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time.

564. Wait until you try the swordfish.

565. Wait until you try the swordfish.

566. You know, Jerry, I was thinking.

567. For our next meal, do you think we should come here,

568. or should we go someplace else?

569. You know, it has its pros and cons.

570. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal.

571. On the other hand—

572. Yeah, yeah. I know.

573. This would be good, but it would be the same.

574. But if we go someplace else, it would be different,

575. but it might not be as good.

576. It's a gamble.

577. I get it.

578. Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat.

579. I gotta get out of here. I'm meeting a woman for a drink.

580. Oh, and who might that be?

581. Some woman named Uma.

582. Some woman named Uma.

583. I got her number off that ticket before it was smudged.

584. Hope she's good-looking.

585. If you are a waiter or a waitress

586. and you ever see me in a restaurant,

587. I'm telling you right now,

588. I don't wanna hear about the specials.

589. I don't wanna know about the specials.

590. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials.

591. My feeling is, if the specials were so special,

592. they'd be on the menu.

593. You know what's special about them?

594. They don't know if anybody likes it.

595. They always have those overly creative descriptions

596. of the specials, too, you know.

597. The veal is lightly slapped...

598. and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite,

599. with a white wine intravenous.

600. with a white wine intravenous.