1. The whole concept of
the wanted poster has gotta be
Copy !req
2. the most wildly optimistic
crime-fighting idea.
Copy !req
3. I mean, so, how does it work?
Copy !req
4. Okay. I'm on the line
at the post office.
Copy !req
5. I see the guy.
I see the list of offenses.
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6. I check the guy
standing in line behind me.
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7. If it's not him...
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8. that's pretty much all I can do.
Copy !req
9. Okay.
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10. It's not that I don't
wanna help.
Copy !req
11. You know, the annoying thing is,
you think,
Copy !req
12. why didn't they
hold onto this guy
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13. when they're taking his picture?
Copy !req
14. No, we don't do it that way.
Copy !req
15. No, we don't do it that way.
Copy !req
16. We take their picture,
and we let 'em go.
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17. So we get the front
and side shot.
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18. The front is his face.
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19. The side is him leaving.
Copy !req
20. Look at you.
Why don't you use a fork?
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21. You're no good
with the sticks.
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22. I know. I need a lesson.
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23. You stink.
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24. You know you stink.
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25. What is this?
Copy !req
26. Ooh! My ballet tickets.
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27. Oh, your ballet tickets.
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28. Hey, have you ever been
to the ballet?
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29. No, but I've seen
people on tiptoes.
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30. You know, I'm going as a beard.
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31. A beard?
Yeah.
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32. This friend of a friend
knows this banker guy.
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33. He's, I don't know, 30-ish,
unbelievably gorgeous.
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34. He's, I don't know, 30-ish,
unbelievably gorgeous.
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35. Of course, he's gay.
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36. Yeah.
So,
Copy !req
37. anyway, his boss has
this box at the Met.
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38. And he invited him
to go see Swan Lake
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39. with him and his wife,
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40. but he's afraid that his boss
can't handle his orientation,
Copy !req
41. so I'm going along as his date.
Copy !req
42. Why are you doing this?
Copy !req
43. Swan Lake, at the Met.
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44. Yeah?
Copy !req
45. Get it on with your bad self.
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46. Ooh.
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47. Chinese food.
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48. Chinese food.
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49. I knew I smelled somethin'.
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50. Hey!
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51. Is George still wearing
that toupee?
Yeah.
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52. Doesn't he know how ridiculous
he looks in that thing?
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53. I think he looks fantastic.
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54. Oh, come on.
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55. No. I never realized
what an attractive man he is.
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56. Oh, he's a real looker,
that one.
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57. Hey!
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58. People. People, people,
people, people.
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59. Not bad, huh?
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60. Yeah.
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61. All right.
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62. Excuse me.
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63. You look ridiculous
in that thing.
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64. Is that so?
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65. Or could it be that you're
just a little bit worried
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66. that you may have
missed the boat.
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67. Well, I think
they might have sutured...
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68. that thing...
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69. to your brain.
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70. All right.
Go ahead. Deride.
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71. Deride if you must.
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72. But let me tell you something.
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73. With my personality
and this head of hair,
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74. you know what I am now?
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75. I am in the game.
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76. I no longer defer
to the coiffed. I'm a player.
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77. You know, I just
thought of something.
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78. I know this gorgeous woman.
She called me up this morning.
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79. She's moving into the city,
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80. and she asked me if I know
of anyone she could meet.
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81. Now, you can go out with her.
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82. Well, what about me?
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83. No, I think
he's got you beat, buddy.
Copy !req
84. So, she's gorgeous, huh?
Copy !req
85. So, she's gorgeous, huh?
Copy !req
86. Yeah, well,
last time I saw her she was,
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87. five years ago.
Copy !req
88. Well, you got a picture?
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89. No. No.
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90. Well, I have to see her.
Copy !req
91. Hey, I know what we can do.
I got a friend.
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92. He works
over at the police station.
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93. He's a composite artist.
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94. Really?
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95. Maybe I can get him to draw
a picture of her for you.
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96. I would love that.
You think he'd do it?
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97. Yeah, yeah.
I think he will.
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98. It sounds like
an excellent idea.
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99. Hey, Jerry.
You done with all this?
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100. 'Cause I'm gonna give it
to a homeless person.
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101. You know, I'm very excited
about this.
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102. I always wanted to see how
these sketch artists do it.
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103. I always wanted to see how
these sketch artists do it.
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104. Here you go, brother.
Some food for you.
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105. Thank you.
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106. You're a good man.
Bless you.
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107. You gonna be here
in an hour?
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108. Where am I going?
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109. All right.
Enjoy.
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110. Wait up!
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111. Oh, that's good.
That's good.
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112. And make the eyes, um—
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113. What's that nut?
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114. Almonds?
Almonds.
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115. Yeah, That's it.
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116. Can I see?
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117. No, no. Not yet.
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118. And make the lips fuller.
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119. Poutier.
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120. Poutier?
I like that.
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121. Can't go wrong
with pouty.
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122. I'm excited
about the pouty.
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123. All right. I think
that about does it.
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124. All right. I think
that about does it.
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125. All right, George.
Come on. Take a look.
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126. Oh, my God,
you were right.
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127. She is gorgeous!
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128. Hey, Lou, who's that
woman over there?
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129. Huh?
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130. Oh, that's Sergeant Tierny.
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131. Nice officer.
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132. You wanna meet her?
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133. Well, this worked out okay.
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134. Hey, you gonna see
that police woman?
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135. Yeah, I think I will.
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136. I like the idea of
having the law on my side.
Copy !req
137. Hey, man.
Did you enjoy the food?
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138. Oh, yes, I did.
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139. Where did the Chinese learn
to cook like that?
Copy !req
140. Listen.
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141. I'll take
that Tupperware now.
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142. I'll take
that Tupperware now.
Copy !req
143. I don't think so.
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144. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's mine.
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145. You gave it to me.
No, no, look.
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146. I didn't say
you could keep it.
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147. See, I don't give
away Tupperware.
Copy !req
148. You shoulda said something.
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149. Well, I didn't think I had to.
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150. Look, with a piece
of Tupperware, you just assume.
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151. Yeah!
Copy !req
152. I really gotta
thank you for this.
Copy !req
153. The bank I work for
is so conservative.
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154. Oh, well, by now,
you'd think
Copy !req
155. people would be
a little more open-minded.
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156. Oi.
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157. Oi.
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158. Would you excuse me?
I have to run to the bathroom.
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159. Okay.
Great.
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160. Sssso...
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161. you and Robert, hmm?
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162. Yup. Mm-hmm.
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163. Really?
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164. Yes, indeedy.
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165. I'm surprised.
Copy !req
166. Really?
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167. Why?
Copy !req
168. No reason.
Copy !req
169. Well, believe me.
This didn't happen overnight.
Copy !req
170. Robert is not exactly
a one-woman man,
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171. if you know what I mean.
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172. No, siree, Bob.
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173. No, siree, Bob.
Copy !req
174. Sure, I mean, in a lot of ways,
he's a typical guy.
Copy !req
175. He likes his sports.
Copy !req
176. But he counters that side
Copy !req
177. with the side you see
here tonight
Copy !req
178. at the ballet
or the pleasure he gets
Copy !req
179. watching Miss Liza Minnelli
belt out a few choice numbers.
Copy !req
180. It's those two halves
of his personality
Copy !req
181. that just come together
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182. to make him the very special guy
that he is.
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183. Excuse me.
Copy !req
184. Oh. Hi, honey.
Copy !req
185. It was just such
a great night.
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186. Oh!
And did they suspect anything?
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187. Mmm.
Copy !req
188. No, I was a fantastic beard.
Copy !req
189. I held hands,
I called him "honey."
Copy !req
190. And we discover
yet another talent:
Copy !req
191. posing as a girlfriend
for homosexuals.
Copy !req
192. Oh, it was just
such a great night.
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193. You said that already.
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194. Oh, I did?
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195. Yeah.
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196. Oh.
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197. Oh, no.
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198. Don't tell me.
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199. You like him?
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200. He's incredible!
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201. Yeah, but—
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202. Yeah. I— I know.
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203. So?
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204. What?
Copy !req
205. Not conversion?
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206. You're thinking conversion?
Copy !req
207. Well, it did occur to me.
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208. You think you can get him
to just change teams?
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209. He's not gonna suddenly
switch sides.
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210. Forget about it.
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211. Forget about it.
Copy !req
212. Why? Is it irrevocable?
Copy !req
213. Because when you join that team,
it's not a whim.
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214. He likes his team.
Copy !req
215. He's set with that team.
Copy !req
216. But we've got a good team.
Copy !req
217. Yeah, we do.
Copy !req
218. We do have a good team.
Copy !req
219. Well, why can't he play for us?
Copy !req
220. They're only comfortable
with their equipment.
Copy !req
221. But we just got along so great.
Copy !req
222. But we just got along so great.
Copy !req
223. Of course, you did.
Everyone gets along great
Copy !req
224. when there's
no possibility of sex.
Copy !req
225. No, no, no.
I sensed something.
Copy !req
226. I did sense something.
Copy !req
227. I perceived
a possibility, Jerry.
Copy !req
228. You realize your venturing
into uncharted waters.
Copy !req
229. I realize that.
Copy !req
230. Are you that desperate?
Copy !req
231. Yes, I am.
Copy !req
232. Are you gonna bring your gun?
Copy !req
233. Yeah, I think
you should leave it at home.
Copy !req
234. Yeah, I think
you should leave it at home.
Copy !req
235. Well, I don't really
know you that well.
Copy !req
236. What if we get into a fight
or something?
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237. You know, you lose your temper.
Copy !req
238. Who knows
what you're capable of.
Copy !req
239. All right,
then it's settled.
Copy !req
240. First date, no weapons.
Copy !req
241. All right.
I'll see you then.
Copy !req
242. Okay, bye.
Copy !req
243. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
244. Here we go.
Copy !req
245. What are you lookin' for?
Copy !req
246. Tupperware.
Copy !req
247. Sorry, I don't have
any Tupperware.
Copy !req
248. See, I knew
this was gonna happen.
Copy !req
249. I just made
a delicious casserole,
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250. I just made
a delicious casserole,
Copy !req
251. but now it won't keep
'cause I have no Tupperware!
Copy !req
252. What about a plastic bag?
Copy !req
253. You must be kidding.
Copy !req
254. What is the difference?
Copy !req
255. The patented burp, Jerry.
Copy !req
256. It locks in freshness.
Copy !req
257. Hey-oh.
Hey.
Hey.
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258. So, I, uh...
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259. I spoke to your little
friend Denise last night.
Copy !req
260. Oh, yeah.
You talked, huh?
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261. Yeah. For two hours.
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262. She's nuts about you.
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263. Yeah, well, we go
way back, you know.
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264. Why didn't anything ever happen
between you two?
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265. Why didn't anything ever happen
between you two?
Copy !req
266. Who's to say it didn't?
Copy !req
267. Chk!
Copy !req
268. So did you describe yourself
to her over the phone?
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269. Yes, I did.
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270. What did you say?
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271. What do you think I said?
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272. I don't know.
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273. I told her the truth.
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274. As you see it.
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275. Yes, as I see it.
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276. Did you tell her about
your little hat there?
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277. What hat?
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278. You know, your little
hair hat there.
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279. You know, your little
hair hat there.
Copy !req
280. No.
Copy !req
281. Don't you think she could tell?
Copy !req
282. No, no, no.
She can't tell.
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283. It's a perfect match.
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284. Beautiful job.
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285. Are you kiddin'?
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286. I could spot that bird's nest
two blocks away.
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287. You only think that
because you know me.
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288. Have you noticed
people staring at your head?
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289. I notice people
staring at my head
Copy !req
290. because they like what they see.
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291. I think you should
either take it off
Copy !req
292. or tell her about it.
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293. He's not gonna
take it off.
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294. If he was gonna
go over bald,
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295. I wouldn't have
introduced them.
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296. All right, look.
I guarantee she won't know.
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297. All right, look.
I guarantee she won't know.
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298. Yeah. That's it.
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299. I'm gonna go down
to the precinct.
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300. I'm gonna have lunch
with Lou.
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301. Oh, I'll split
a cab with you.
Copy !req
302. Hey, I'm really sorry
about the other day, man.
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303. Really sorry.
Copy !req
304. Hey! That's my coffee.
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305. Hi, sarge.
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306. Hi. I'm sorry
I'm late.
Copy !req
307. Some of our lineup decoys
didn't show, so...
Copy !req
308. Hey, any of you guys
want to be in the lineup?
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309. Make a quick 50 bucks?
Copy !req
310. Sure. I will.
Copy !req
311. Perfect. Okay.
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312. Perfect. Okay.
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313. Just go right over there
with Officer Lampart.
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314. Oh, all right.
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315. All of you, turn to the left.
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316. The left.
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317. Now, turn to the right.
Copy !req
318. Oh, my God. There she is.
Copy !req
319. That's the face.
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320. Just like the picture.
Copy !req
321. George?
Yeah.
Copy !req
322. Hi.
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323. It's great to meet you.
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324. Likewise.
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325. Have you been waiting long?
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326. No, no, no. I just got
here two minutes ago.
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327. Good, good.
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328. Well, why don't you take off
your hat, stay awhile?
Copy !req
329. What's that?
Copy !req
330. Polygraph.
Copy !req
331. What you civilians call
a lie detector test.
Copy !req
332. Oh, all right.
Let me ask you.
Copy !req
333. Now, when someone is lying,
Copy !req
334. is it true that their pants
are actually on fire?
Copy !req
335. If I could tell you the famous
faces that have been up here.
Copy !req
336. Get out.
Copy !req
337. A certain cast member
of Melrose Place.
Copy !req
338. Really?
Copy !req
339. Have you ever seen the show?
Copy !req
340. Have you ever seen the show?
Copy !req
341. No.
Copy !req
342. You can admit it, Jerry.
Copy !req
343. It's okay.
Copy !req
344. I'd admit it.
Copy !req
345. I don't watch it.
Copy !req
346. Hey, Lou.
Copy !req
347. Maybe we should put him
on the poly.
Copy !req
348. The poly?
Copy !req
349. Yeah.
Copy !req
350. I think you've seen it.
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351. Melrose Place?
Copy !req
352. Yes. Melrose Place.
Copy !req
353. I just didn't know
you watch that.
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354. Well... I do.
Copy !req
355. I mean, every time
I've mentioned it,
Copy !req
356. you never say anything
or join in the conversation.
Copy !req
357. Well, maybe I was
a little embarrassed.
Copy !req
358. You mean this whole time, Jerry,
Copy !req
359. we could have been discussing
Sydney and Michael and Jane?
Copy !req
360. And Billy and Jake and Allison.
Copy !req
361. And Billy and Jake and Allison.
Copy !req
362. Yes, we could have
discussed it.
Copy !req
363. Why? Why were you
so embarrassed?
Copy !req
364. The point is, I'm gonna be
taking this lie detector test.
Copy !req
365. And that needle's gonna be
goin' wild.
Copy !req
366. This is so stupid.
Copy !req
367. Why didn't you just confess?
Copy !req
368. It's too stupid to confess.
Copy !req
369. Look what I'm confessing to.
Copy !req
370. Well, what are you gonna do?
Copy !req
371. I don't know.
Copy !req
372. Maybe I could beat the machine.
Copy !req
373. Ohhh...
Copy !req
374. Who do you think you are?
Copy !req
375. Costanza?
Copy !req
376. Hey, you know what?
Copy !req
377. I have access to one of
the most deceitful, duplicitous,
Copy !req
378. deceptive minds of our time.
Copy !req
379. Who better to advise me?
Copy !req
380. Oh, God, this is terrible.
Copy !req
381. Did you shake it up?
Copy !req
382. No.
Copy !req
383. You gotta shake it up.
Copy !req
384. No. I'm sick of shaking.
Copy !req
385. You gotta shake everything.
Copy !req
386. Yeah, that's a real nuisance.
Copy !req
387. Oh, this is killin' me.
Copy !req
388. Yeah.
Copy !req
389. Yeah.
Copy !req
390. So, I'm going out tonight
with Robert
Copy !req
391. So, I'm going out tonight
with Robert
Copy !req
392. and the boss and his wife.
Copy !req
393. So, tonight
you gonna make the move?
Copy !req
394. Yeah, I think I might.
Copy !req
395. Hey, there he is.
Copy !req
396. So, what happened?
Copy !req
397. Could she detect it?
Copy !req
398. It's an interesting question.
Copy !req
399. How so?
Copy !req
400. How so?
Copy !req
401. I'll tell you how so.
Copy !req
402. She's bald!
Copy !req
403. What do you mean, bald?
Copy !req
404. What do you think I mean, bald?
Copy !req
405. What do you think I mean, bald?
Copy !req
406. Bald!
Copy !req
407. "Bald" bald.
Copy !req
408. She's bald?
Copy !req
409. She's bald, Jerry.
Copy !req
410. Oh, come on.
Copy !req
411. "Oh, come on"?
Copy !req
412. No, come on.
Copy !req
413. She took off her hat,
and there she was.
Copy !req
414. Hello!
Copy !req
415. It was like I was looking
at myself in the mirror.
Copy !req
416. Well, maybe she got
a haircut or something.
Copy !req
417. You know, let me tell
you something.
Copy !req
418. No one walks into
a beauty parlor and says,
Copy !req
419. "Give me the Larry Fine."
Copy !req
420. "Give me the Larry Fine."
Copy !req
421. Women go bald?
Copy !req
422. Yeah, I've heard of that.
Copy !req
423. I mean, they usually wear a wig.
Copy !req
424. Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Copy !req
425. Ha-ho...
Copy !req
426. You fixed me up
with a bald woman!
Copy !req
427. Bald?
Copy !req
428. Yeah, that's right.
Copy !req
429. Do you see the irony here?
Copy !req
430. You're rejecting somebody
because they're bald.
Copy !req
431. So?
Copy !req
432. You're bald!
Copy !req
433. You're bald!
Copy !req
434. No, I'm not.
Copy !req
435. I...
Copy !req
436. was bald.
Copy !req
437. Elaine.
Copy !req
438. Hey, hey, hey,
come on.
Copy !req
439. Ah! Ah! Aah!
Give it—
Copy !req
440. Don't—
Copy !req
441. No, no, no!
No, Elaine!
Copy !req
442. I don't like this thing!
Copy !req
443. And here's what
I'm doing with it!
Copy !req
444. No!
Copy !req
445. What about when you started
that fight with me.
Copy !req
446. Well, I figured
that's what couples do.
Copy !req
447. You almost convinced me
we were a couple.
Copy !req
448. Oh, well, it was easy.
Really.
Copy !req
449. Well, good night.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Copy !req
450. Oh, wait a second.
Copy !req
451. Um...
Copy !req
452. Would you like
to come...
Copy !req
453. upstairs?
Copy !req
454. Upstairs?
Copy !req
455. Yeah.
Copy !req
456. Yeah.
Copy !req
457. Upstairs?
Copy !req
458. Elaine...
Copy !req
459. Well, I was— I was
hoping, you know, you...
Copy !req
460. You might be
interested in...
Copy !req
461. changing teams.
Copy !req
462. "Changing teams"?
Copy !req
463. Have you ever
thought about it?
Copy !req
464. But I'm a starting shortstop.
Copy !req
465. Robert...
Copy !req
466. we need a shortstop.
Copy !req
467. Real bad.
Copy !req
468. I tell you, when she threw
that toupee out the window,
Copy !req
469. I tell you, when she threw
that toupee out the window,
Copy !req
470. it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Copy !req
471. Good.
Copy !req
472. I feel like
my old self again.
Copy !req
473. Totally inadequate,
completely insecure,
Copy !req
474. paranoid, neurotic.
Copy !req
475. It's a pleasure.
Copy !req
476. It's good to have you back.
Copy !req
477. And you know what else
I've decided to do?
Copy !req
478. I'm gonna keep seeing
the bald woman.
Copy !req
479. She's as good as anybody else.
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480. Scalp was clean.
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481. She had a nice skull.
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482. Just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
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483. You know, you've had, like,
a religious awakening.
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484. You're like a bald-again.
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485. You're like a bald-again.
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486. I need
a little more coffee.
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487. So, George, how do I beat
this lie detector?
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488. I'm sorry, Jerry.
I can't help you.
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489. Come on. You got the gift.
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490. You're the only one
that could help me.
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491. Jerry, I can't.
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492. It's like saying to Pavarotti,
"Teach me to sing like you."
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493. All right. Well,
I gotta go take this test.
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494. I can't believe
I'm doin' this.
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495. Jerry...
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496. just remember:
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497. It's not a lie...
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498. It's not a lie...
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499. if you believe it.
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500. Hey!
Hey.
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501. I did it!
What?
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502. I turned him. He defected.
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503. Get out.
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504. How?
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505. How did you do that?
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506. 'Cause I'm a woman.
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507. Elaine, do you know
what you've done?
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508. You've given hope to every woman
who's ever said
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509. "too bad he's gay."
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510. Well, it's a lesson
for the kids out there.
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511. Well, it's a lesson
for the kids out there.
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512. Anything is possible.
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513. Indeed.
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514. Jeromy, I have hit the jackpot.
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515. The perfect man.
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516. Nothing but sex and shopping.
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517. What's your name?
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518. Jerry Seinfeld.
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519. What is your address?
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520. 129 West 81st street.
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521. Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
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522. I don't know.
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523. Did Billy sleep with
Allison's best friend?
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524. Did Billy sleep with
Allison's best friend?
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525. I don't know.
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526. Did Jane's fiancé kidnap Sydney
and take her to Las Vegas?
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527. And if so, did she enjoy it?
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528. I don't know.
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529. Did Jane sleep
with Michael again?
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530. Yes!
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531. Yes, that stupid idiot!
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532. He left her for Kimberly!
He slept with her sister!
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533. He tricked her into givin'
him half her business!
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534. He tricked her into givin'
him half her business!
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535. And then she goes ahead
and sleeps with him again!
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536. I mean, she's crazy! How could
she do something like that?
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537. I mean, that Jane!
Oh, she just makes me so mad!
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538. He went back?
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539. What do you mean,
he went back?
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540. He went back.
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541. I don't understand, you were
having a great time.
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542. The sex, the shopping.
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543. Well, here's the thing:
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544. Being a woman...
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545. I only really have
access to the...
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546. I only really have
access to the...
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547. equipment...
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548. What, 30, 45 minutes a week?
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549. And that's on a good week.
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550. How can I be expected
to have the same expertise
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551. as people who own
this equipment...
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552. and have access to it
24 hours a day...
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553. their entire lives?
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554. You can't.
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555. That's why they lose
very few players.
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556. Yeah, I guess I never
really stood a chance.
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557. Yeah, I guess I never
really stood a chance.
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558. Well, there's always
a place for you...
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559. on our team.
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560. Yeah. Thanks.
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561. Is Melrose Place on?
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562. Yeah, comin' on
in a few minutes.
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563. Okay.
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564. Hey. Don't worry
it hasn't started.
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565. Hey, you know, George,
I am really proud of you.
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566. I really do admire
what you've done.
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567. Do you?
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568. That makes me so happy.
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569. That makes me so happy.
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570. Elaine's proud of me, Jerry.
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571. What is the matter?
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572. I got rejected by a bald woman.
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573. What?
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574. A bald woman rejected me.
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575. Huh?
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576. You like that one?
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577. A woman with no prospects
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578. and no hair
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579. told me that I wasn't her type.
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580. Apparently,
baldy likes a slimmer guy!
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581. Well, I'll tell you
what I think.
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582. I think she saw you with that
piece off and was devastated.
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583. I think she saw you with that
piece off and was devastated.
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584. You blew it, boy!
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585. You really blew it!
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586. And you had to ruin it for him,
didn't you?
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587. I didn't ruin anything.
Copy !req
588. He looked like an idiot.
No.
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589. He did. And it made him
act like a jerk.
Copy !req
590. All right. Shut up,
shut up.
Copy !req
591. Melrose Place is coming on.
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592. Oh, that Michael.
I hate him.
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593. He's just so smug.
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594. How you doin', Stu?
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595. Eddie, my man.
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596. You again?
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597. Boy, you're a slippery one.
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598. You better straighten up
and fly right, buddy boy.
Copy !req
599. What do you got?
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600. I got an eye witness to
that jewelry store break-in.
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601. Come here.
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602. Do you recognize anybody
in this line-up?
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603. That's the guy, officer!
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604. The guy there in the middle,
the tall guy with the high hair.
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605. The guy there in the middle,
the tall guy with the high hair.
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606. I'd recognize him anywhere.
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607. Hey, you.
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608. You with the high hair.
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609. Step forward.
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610. Me?
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