1. With a serial killer loose,
Copy !req
2. seems like the safest thing
is to be the neighbor.
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3. They never kill
the neighbor.
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4. The neighbor always survives
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5. to do the interview
afterwards, right?
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6. "Uh, he was kind of quiet."
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7. I love these neighbors.
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8. They're never disturbed
by the sounds of murdering.
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9. Just stereo.
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10. Chain saws,
people screaming, fine.
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11. Just keep the music down.
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12. And all these women that always
fall in love with the killer.
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13. They write to him in prison.
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14. Here's a woman
that's hard to disappoint.
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15. I guess she's only upset
when she finds out
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16. he's stopped
killing people.
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17. he's stopped
killing people.
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18. And she goes,
"You know, sometimes I feel like
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19. I don't even know
who you are anymore."
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20. Eight years
isn't such a long streak.
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21. It isn't?
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22. No. I haven't vomited
in 13 years.
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23. Get out!
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24. Not since June 29, 1980.
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25. You remember the date?
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26. Yes. Because my previous
vomit was also June 29, 1972.
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27. That's why during
the '80 vomit,
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28. I was yelling to George,
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29. "Can you believe it?
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30. I'm vomiting
on June 29th again."
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31. I'm vomiting
on June 29th again."
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32. Boy, you know, when Joel told me
he hadn't thrown up
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33. in eight years,
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34. I was wondering
if he was normal.
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35. No, Elaine, he's normal.
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36. Your boyfriend
is a normal guy.
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37. He just has the same name as one
of the worst serial killers
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38. in the history of New York.
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39. Yeah.
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40. Oh, Jer,
I got to go.
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41. Hi.
Hey.
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42. We just saw your boyfriend
at a bus stop.
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43. Oh, yeah?
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44. Yeah. What's his name?
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45. Joel.
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46. Joel what?
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47. Uh, Rifkin.
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48. Rifkin?
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49. Joel Rifkin?
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50. Yeah. It's just
a coincidence,
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51. obviously.
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52. Guess you better keep
on his good side.
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53. Very funny.
That's very funny.
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54. Yeah, I wouldn't sleep
with my back to him
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55. if I were you.
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56. Yeah. Well, that's
enough of that.
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57. Elaine, listen,
if you smell anything
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58. decaying in the trunk
of his car—
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59. Look, this is my boyfriend
we're talking about!
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60. He's a gentleman,
he's good-looking,
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61. he's a good shaver
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62. and he hasn't thrown up
in eight years.
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63. So just shut up about him.
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64. Shut up!
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65. The whole city
is talking
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66. about this monster,
Joel Rifkin.
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67. And I am dating
a Joel Rifkin.
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68. But you like
your Joel Rifkin.
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69. Yeah. I just wish he had
a different name.
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70. Ask him
to change it.
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71. You can't ask a person
to change their name.
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72. Why not?
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73. Would you
change yours?
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74. If someone asked me nicely.
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75. I'm Claude Seinfeld.
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76. Hey, how many people
did Rifkin strangle, 18?
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77. Yeah,
18 strangles.
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78. Well, you know why Rifkin
was a serial killer?
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79. Well, you know why Rifkin
was a serial killer?
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80. Because he was adopted.
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81. Just like Son of Sam
was adopted.
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82. So apparently,
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83. adoption leads
to serial killing.
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84. You know, Joel and I have an
extra ticket to the Giants game.
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85. I'll go.
Okay.
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86. I'll leave a ticket for you
at will call.
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87. Yeah! Ooh!
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88. You think I should have
asked George?
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89. Hey, did you hear George
got back with Karen?
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90. Karen?
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91. Karen?
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92. Risotto.
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93. I feel full
after the risotto.
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94. Oh, the risotto broad.
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95. Yeah.
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96. He's really got
a good thing with her.
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97. In fact, I'm doubling
with them tonight.
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98. Thought you didn't like
double dates.
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99. George likes them. He feels it's
a good personality showcase.
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100. He likes a date to see him
with a friend,
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101. so she can get a window
into his non-date personality.
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102. I've looked
through that window
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103. and screamed at him
to shut the blinds.
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104. He feels he's funnier,
more relaxed.
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105. Uh-huh. And you're taking?
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106. Jodi, the masseuse.
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107. Oh, did you get
a massage yet?
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108. No. How many times
do I have to go out with her,
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109. before I get a massage?
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110. Jerry, she gives
massages all day.
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111. She doesn't want
to give them on dates.
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112. Yeah, I know.
She just wants to have sex.
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113. So what?
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114. So it's like going to Idaho
and eating carrots.
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115. I like carrots,
but I'm in Idaho,
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116. I want a potato.
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117. So I go into
this clothing store,
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118. and the saleswoman
is wearing this, uh...
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119. Low-cut thing.
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120. Low-cut thing.
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121. So I said to her,
"Can I ask you a question?
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122. "When you put on
a top like that,
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123. "what's your
thought process?
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124. What's going on
in your mind?"
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125. Oh, that is so funny.
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126. You listening to this?
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127. Yeah,
I heard you.
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128. Boy, my neck
is killing me.
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129. It's, like, right
in this spot.
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130. Very tender
over here.
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131. So, what did
she say?
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132. Well, nothing.
I didn't actually say that.
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133. You just said
that you said it.
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134. You just said
that you said it.
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135. Sweetheart,
I was exaggerating.
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136. I'm learning a lot
about you tonight, George.
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137. I've never seen
you like this.
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138. It's like somebody's pulling
on wires back here.
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139. You know, it's like you never
see a really attractive woman
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140. getting a traffic ticket.
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141. How can
you say that?
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142. My sister got
a ticket last week.
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143. Are you saying
she's not attractive?
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144. Well, I've never met
your sister.
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145. But obviously, these are not
hard-and-fast rules.
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146. Darling, the tea is getting
a little cold, sweetheart.
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147. Darling, the tea is getting
a little cold, sweetheart.
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148. Can we go?
Yeah, let's go.
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149. So soon?
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150. Yeah. Good seeing
you again, Karen.
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151. Nice meeting you, Karen.
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152. Nice to meet you too.
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153. I'm gonna
call you about that massage.
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154. Jodi, let's do this again
real soon.
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155. Yeah.
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156. I strained my neck
last night.
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157. Really?
Yeah.
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158. How?
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159. Well, I tried
brushing my teeth
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160. by holding the brush
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161. and moving my head
from side to side.
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162. It didn't work.
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163. So, what's the deal
with your friend, George?
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164. So, what's the deal
with your friend, George?
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165. No deal, why?
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166. What was all that
"attractive women
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167. not getting tickets"
nonsense?
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168. Oh, well, he was
just showcasing
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169. his non-date
personality.
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170. I don't know how you
can hang out with that guy.
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171. Yeah, sometimes it really
makes me tense.
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172. Did you see the way
that he was eating?
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173. Yeah,
he's disgusting.
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174. I have to tell you,
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175. I really
don't like him.
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176. Yeah, me either.
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177. It's just
I hate that type.
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178. Ah, he's a bad seed.
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179. Now, you, however,
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180. you, I like.
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181. Uh, what are you doing?
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182. What do you think
I'm doing?
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183. So, what do you think?
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184. Really enjoyed it.
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185. Jodi's nice.
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186. She's very nice.
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187. Let's discuss
this later.
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188. You think she liked me?
She seemed to like me.
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189. Mm-hm.
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190. I was personable,
don't you think?
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191. You were extremely
personable.
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192. You were extremely
personable.
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193. 'Cause I thought I picked up
a little something.
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194. I'm very good at this.
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195. Did you pick up anything?
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196. I didn't pick up anything.
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197. The second time I sent
the noodles back...
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198. I— I thought
she made a face.
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199. I didn't see a face.
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200. I thought
I saw a face.
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201. Anyhow, what's
the difference?
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202. No difference.
I could care less.
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203. She's Jerry's girlfriend.
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204. George, instead of
talking about this,
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205. we could be, uh...
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206. You know.
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207. Heh, heh, heh, heh.
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208. So you think
she liked me?
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209. So you think
she liked me?
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210. Ohh!
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211. What are you doing?
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212. Massaging your neck.
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213. Oh, heh.
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214. Of course.
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215. Massaging.
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216. Uh, boning up
on football?
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217. Yeah. Yeah.
You know what?
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218. There are a lot of players
named Deion these days.
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219. What a cool name, Deion.
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220. What a cool name, Deion.
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221. If I were going to
change my name,
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222. I'd go with Deion.
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223. Deion Benes?
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224. Well, as a woman,
it makes no sense.
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225. But, I mean, well,
let's say I was you.
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226. And I decided I was gonna
change my name,
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227. for no real reason
whatsoever.
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228. Deion Rifkin.
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229. Wow!
That is so cool.
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230. D-Deion Rifkin?
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231. Well, maybe you're
not the Deion type.
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232. Well, maybe you're
not the Deion type.
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233. Okay then, let's see,
let's see, what do we got?
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234. Oh! Oh! Oh!
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235. O.J.!
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236. O.J. Rifkin! Oh!
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237. You don't even use a name,
it's just initials.
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238. Oh, please, please,
change your name to O.J.
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239. It would be so great!
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240. Elaine,
what is going on?
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241. She stayed over?
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242. Yeah.
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243. Sex wasn't so good?
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244. No. Sex was fabulous.
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245. So?
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246. I want the massage!
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247. I want the massage!
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248. Did you ask her?
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249. I tried putting her hands there.
She pulls it away immediately.
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250. She's not into it.
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251. Why not?
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252. I guess 'cause it's her job.
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253. It's very frustrating.
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254. So, uh, we had a good time,
huh, the four of us.
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255. Yeah.
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256. We all got along.
Everyone seemed very pleasant.
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257. Yeah.
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258. What did Jodi say?
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259. She had a good time.
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260. That it?
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261. Pretty much.
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262. She say anything
about, uh...?
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263. She say anything
about, uh...?
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264. What?
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265. Nah, it's all right, great!
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266. She had a good time.
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267. Yeah.
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268. You just hesitated.
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269. I was blowin' on the coffee.
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270. She didn't like me.
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271. Look, it's not like
you're gonna be spending
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272. a lot of time with her.
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273. So she doesn't like me?
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274. No.
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275. She said that?
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276. Yes.
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277. She told you
she doesn't like me?
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278. Yes.
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279. What were her exact—?
"I don't like him."
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280. What were her exact—?
"I don't like him."
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281. Uh-huh.
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282. Why didn't she
like me?
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283. Not everybody
likes everybody.
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284. I wasn't nice?
You were very nice!
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285. I bent over backwards
for that woman!
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286. Was it what I said
about her sister?
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287. It has nothing to do
with the sister.
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288. I don't even know
her sister!
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289. But believe me, if she's getting
traffic tickets,
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290. she's not
that good-looking!
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291. You vomited in 1987.
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292. Oh, no. That was
the dry heaves.
Copy !req
293. Jodi!
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294. Hi, Jerry.
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295. Hi, Jerry.
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296. Ha, ha, hey!
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297. What are you
doing here?
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298. I was giving Kramer
a massage.
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299. Kramer!
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300. I gotta run.
I have an appointment downtown.
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301. Let me take your table
downstairs.
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302. No, that's okay
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303. Give it to me,
I love to help people.
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304. Come on.
I'm going this way.
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305. I'll see you tonight.
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306. Hey!
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307. I am looser
than creamed corn.
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308. Who told you to get
a massage from her?
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309. I haven't gotten
a massage from her yet!
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310. I haven't gotten
a massage from her yet!
Copy !req
311. You don't know what
you're missing, buddy.
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312. No one hails
a cab like me.
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313. My hailing technique
is unmatched.
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314. See, I get the wrist going
side to side and boom!
Copy !req
315. Cabs are crashing into
themselves to just pick me up.
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316. All right, here we go.
Let me get the door.
Copy !req
317. Feminists aside, I know
women like the door-holding.
Copy !req
318. Here we are.
Alrighty. Good. Okay.
Copy !req
319. Jodi, let's get
together again real soon.
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320. Say hello
to your sister for me.
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321. You've never met.
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322. Whatever. Believe me,
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323. if I wasn't
involved right now,
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324. if I wasn't
involved right now,
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325. I wouldn't mind
being set up.
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326. Something tells me
she's a knockout!
Copy !req
327. But first, she sets
the mood perfectly
Copy !req
328. with this New Age music
played over ocean sounds.
Copy !req
329. Then she lays you out
on this table,
Copy !req
330. and she proceeds
to rub oil
Copy !req
331. over your entire body.
Copy !req
332. And she rubs long
and deep.
Copy !req
333. Jerry, she rubs with love.
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334. Every muscle
she touches just...
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335. Every muscle
she touches just...
Copy !req
336. oozes...
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337. beneath those silky,
soft fingers.
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338. You can scarcely
contain yourself, buddy.
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339. So you had a good time, huh?
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340. Oh, yeah.
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341. Enjoyed yourself?
Copy !req
342. Very much.
Copy !req
343. All right, now, you listen,
and you listen good!
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344. What?
Copy !req
345. The massages are out!
Copy !req
346. What—?
Aah! They're out!
Copy !req
347. Why?
Copy !req
348. Because if I can't get one,
you're not getting one!
Copy !req
349. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I need my massages.
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350. Can't you see
I'm burned out?
Copy !req
351. I'm sorry, Kramer.
Copy !req
352. Why?
Look, I paid for her!
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353. Don't you ever talk
about her like that!
Copy !req
354. Yeah, but why—?
Copy !req
355. That's final!
Copy !req
356. Aah! Yaah!
Copy !req
357. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
358. welcome to Giants Stadium.
Copy !req
359. Oh, you have photos
in your wallet?
Copy !req
360. Yeah.
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361. Why, is that weird?
Copy !req
362. No. It's normal.
Copy !req
363. You're very normal.
Copy !req
364. You're totally normal.
Copy !req
365. You're totally normal.
Copy !req
366. Who's this?
Copy !req
367. That's my mother.
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368. Oh, yeah.
I see the resemblance.
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369. No, there's
no resemblance.
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370. Yeah, there is,
right here, you see—
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371. Elaine, I was adopted.
Copy !req
372. Oh, that's nice.
Copy !req
373. Oh, the game's
about to start.
Copy !req
374. Yeah, I wonder where
your friend Kramer is.
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375. Uh, yeah,
a ticket for Kramer?
Copy !req
376. Here it is.
I need some ID.
Copy !req
377. Here it is.
I need some ID.
Copy !req
378. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
379. You know,
I forgot my wallet.
Copy !req
380. Well, I can't give
it to you, then.
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381. Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
382. I'm afraid not.
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383. Come on, just look at me, huh?
Copy !req
384. Now tell me
I'm not Kramer.
Copy !req
385. I'm sorry.
I need proof.
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386. Look, I'll drive out
here tomorrow,
Copy !req
387. and I'll show you
the ID.
Copy !req
388. I got nothing
to do all day.
Copy !req
389. Neither do I.
Copy !req
390. But without ID,
I need confirmation
Copy !req
391. But without ID,
I need confirmation
Copy !req
392. from the person
who left the ticket.
Copy !req
393. Where's a phone?
Copy !req
394. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
395. may I have your attention,
please?
Copy !req
396. Would Joel Rifkin report
to the stadium office.
Copy !req
397. Joel Rifkin, telephone.
Copy !req
398. Who would be
calling me here?
Copy !req
399. He's not the murderer.
Copy !req
400. Oh, God.
Copy !req
401. What's the matter
with you?
Copy !req
402. Jerry, I need
another massage.
Copy !req
403. You just had one yesterday.
Copy !req
404. What do you need
another one for?
Copy !req
405. Because
of the Giant game!
Copy !req
406. I told you,
it went overtime.
Copy !req
407. You know those seats.
They're very unforgiving.
Copy !req
408. Oh, please.
Copy !req
409. And then the game-winning
field goal
Copy !req
410. went over the net
and into the crowd,
Copy !req
411. and I dove
over three rows!
Copy !req
412. My back,
it's killing me!
Copy !req
413. My back,
it's killing me!
Copy !req
414. It's killing me,
Jerry!
Copy !req
415. Well, did you get the ball?
Copy !req
416. Oh, I got the ball.
Copy !req
417. Well, I never even caught
a foul ball at a baseball game.
Copy !req
418. Well, it's quite
a thrill.
Copy !req
419. Why don't you get
somebody else?
Copy !req
420. Because nobody does it
like she does.
Copy !req
421. She's the best.
Copy !req
422. That's it.
Tonight's the night!
Copy !req
423. I'm getting one!
No ifs, ands or buts.
Copy !req
424. What about my massage?
Copy !req
425. Ask Newman.
Copy !req
426. So I lugged that table,
that big, heavy massage table,
Copy !req
427. So I lugged that table,
that big, heavy massage table,
Copy !req
428. all the way down
to the cab!
Copy !req
429. You ever see one
of those things?
Copy !req
430. Of course.
Copy !req
431. Well, I don't know.
Maybe you haven't.
Copy !req
432. You know, not everybody's
seen a massage table.
Copy !req
433. What do you think?
I've never had a massage?
Copy !req
434. Anyway, I don't even
get a thank you.
Copy !req
435. I don't get it!
Copy !req
436. George, frankly,
I'm getting a little tired
Copy !req
437. of hearing about her.
Copy !req
438. I wanna know what I did
to this woman?
Copy !req
439. What, do you got
a little thing for her?
Copy !req
440. No, no! She's going out
with a friend of mine.
Copy !req
441. It's only courteous that we
should try and like each other.
Copy !req
442. It's only courteous that we
should try and like each other.
Copy !req
443. What's the difference? Who cares
if she doesn't like you?
Copy !req
444. Does everybody in the world
have to like you?
Copy !req
445. Yes! Yes! Everybody
has to like me!
Copy !req
446. I must be liked!
Copy !req
447. Of course I support
your decision
Copy !req
448. to change your name.
Copy !req
449. After the Giant game,
Copy !req
450. I realized that this—
Copy !req
451. This problem
isn't going away.
Copy !req
452. Well, listen,
I just want you to know,
Copy !req
453. that I was more than willing to
stick it out with Joel Rifkin.
Copy !req
454. that I was more than willing to
stick it out with Joel Rifkin.
Copy !req
455. Sure.
Copy !req
456. Okay, you got your list?
Copy !req
457. Yeah, yeah.
Ten names.
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458. Right.
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459. Okay, and if somebody objects,
you can just veto it.
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460. Okay.
Okay.
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461. You start.
What's your first choice?
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462. Stuart.
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463. No. Second choice.
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464. S-Stuart's no good?
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465. I have never met a normal guy
named Stuart.
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466. Okay. My second
choice is Todd.
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467. Todd.
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468. Todd.
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469. No. Veto.
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470. All right.
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471. Oh, hey, I think
you're going to like
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472. my third choice.
Oh, great.
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473. Alex.
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474. I got to tell you,
I have a bad association
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475. with the name Alex.
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476. Bad association?
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477. Yeah. In college,
I sat next to an Alex
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478. in art history.
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479. And he was always
drinking coffee,
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480. and after every sip,
he would go, "Ahh!"
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481. I mean, every two seconds,
"Ahh!"
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482. I mean, every two seconds,
"Ahh!"
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483. And he would take,
like, 40 sips,
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484. and after every one,
"Ahh!"
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485. I had to drop the class.
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486. Hey.
Hi.
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487. I was running late
and I didn't have a chance
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488. to drop off my stuff
before I came over.
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489. Oh, no problem.
That's fine.
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490. What's with this music?
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491. Uh, it's New Age music.
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492. Sounds of the forest.
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493. I find it soothing.
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494. Hey, look at this.
What do you know?
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495. Hey, look at this.
What do you know?
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496. A massage table.
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497. This is great.
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498. What are you doing?
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499. Just checking it out.
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500. Look at how
this thing is made.
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501. Can I tell you
something?
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502. That's a hell of
a piece of equipment.
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503. Actually, I should get
a new one.
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504. Nonsense.
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505. This one's fine.
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506. So where do you
want to go?
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507. Go? Why go anywhere?
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508. Ahh,
that feels good.
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509. Yeah, that's, uh...
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510. Yeah, that's, uh...
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511. That's good.
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512. Yeah, that's nice.
That's very nice.
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513. No. No, this isn't good.
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514. I can't do this.
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515. Why? What's wrong?
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516. I can't.
No. Yes, you can.
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517. No, I can't.
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518. Come on. I know it's
something you want to do.
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519. You know what?
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520. Mm-hm?
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521. I should really go talk to her.
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522. Nothing confrontational.
Just two adults sitting down,
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523. trying to clear the air.
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524. I just know, if I could spend
some time alone with her...
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525. I've got to.
I've got to.
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526. You're going now?
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527. Well, I think I can
still catch her.
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528. All right, George, I have had
just about enough of this.
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529. What? What are you
talking about?
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530. I am talking about
you and Jodi.
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531. You're completely
obsessed with her.
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532. I know. I know.
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533. Who is more important
to you, her or me?
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534. Who is more important
to you, her or me?
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535. I like you, she doesn't.
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536. Who you gonna pick?
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537. I'm sorry, Karen.
I know I care for you,
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538. but I just can't stand
when someone doesn't like me.
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539. Well, now I hate you!
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540. That, I'm used to.
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541. Ned?
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542. What is wrong
with Ned?
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543. No.
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544. Ned's a guy who buys
irregular underwear.
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545. Next.
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546. Ellis.
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547. Ellis.
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548. Ellis? You might as well
go with Alex.
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549. It's the same thing.
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550. Ellis and Alex
aren't even close.
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551. Next!
Oh! What's the point?
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552. No, no, come on!
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553. Okay, okay.
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554. Remy.
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555. Remy Rifkin?
Mm-hm.
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556. Should I get a beret?
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557. Oh, Stuart's a lot better.
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558. Little Stuart Rifkin
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559. Little Stuart Rifkin
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560. likes to go shopping
with his mother.
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561. What do you mean, no?
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562. No means no.
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563. Look, who are you kidding?
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564. You come up
to my apartment
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565. with your table
and your little oils.
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566. And I'm not supposed
to expect anything?
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567. You're a massage teaser.
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568. Listen, I massage who I want
when I want.
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569. I don't submit
to forcible massage.
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570. I'm getting out of here.
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571. Fine, go.
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572. Jerry, could you excuse us
for a few minutes, please?
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573. What for?
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574. We need to talk.
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575. You need to talk?
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576. We have nothing
to talk about.
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577. It's no secret
what's going on between us.
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578. She doesn't like me.
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579. Now, Jerry,
if you don't mind.
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580. George, anything you have
to say to her
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581. George, anything you have
to say to her
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582. you can say
in front of me.
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583. Jerry...
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584. this woman
hates me so much
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585. I'm starting to like her.
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586. What?
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587. She just dislikes me
so much...
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588. it's irresistible.
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589. I can see that.
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590. I'm getting out of here.
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591. Don't call me.
Don't worry.
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592. A woman that hates me
this much
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593. comes along
once in a lifetime.
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594. You're a lucky guy.
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595. I got to go after her.
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596. George.
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597. I wouldn't push
for the massage.
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598. Jodi!
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599. The Swedish are very big
massagers, you know.
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600. They like the Swedish meatballs,
Swedish massage.
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601. They like having meat
in their hands, these people.
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602. For some reason.
But it's weird.
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603. Because they have
a high suicide rate.
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604. They're rubbing
each other's necks all the time.
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605. For a neutral country,
they seem kind of tense.
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606. I don't really like the idea of
getting a professional massage.
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607. I don't want people touching me
that don't know me
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608. and don't want to have
sex with me.
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609. What are you bothering me for?
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610. You get me all loosened up,
juices flowing,
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611. then, "That's it. Okay.
You're done."
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612. Like having chocolate
rubbed all over your face.
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613. Like having chocolate
rubbed all over your face.
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614. You want to go, "Excuse me.
I think you missed a spot."
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