Seinfeld 5x8

1. The old-fashioned barbershop is, unfortunately,

2. becoming a thing of the past.

3. Now, what went wrong?

4. Well, first of all,

5. he needs a $20,000 chair

6. to make a $3 tip.

7. I say cut back on the chair,

8. update the magazines.

9. Why do barbers always display that license?

10. There's no laws in hair cutting.

11. But show customers the back of their head.

12. That's the one law.

13. I don't want to see the back of my head.

14. Why do I want to see something

15. that I won't see at any other time?

16. When I buy pants,

17. When I buy pants,

18. two salesmen don't lift me up by the legs and go:

19. "How do you like the crotch?"

20. If I wanted to see everything, I would've been a fly.

21. Well, George, we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves

22. as a fairly progressive company.

23. We have a small, but prestigious, group of clients.

24. Well, a lot of people consider me, uh,

25. small and prestigious.

26. That's funny, George.

27. You're very quick.

28. Ah, well.

29. I feel like I don't—

30. I don't have to explain every little thing to you.

31. You understand everything immediately.

32. I enjoy understanding.

33. I enjoy understanding.

34. I want you to have this job.

35. Of course—

36. Stu Zimmer line two.

37. Great. Thanks.

38. I've gotta take this call.

39. Listen.

40. I'm really glad that you came in.

41. "I want you to have this job.

42. Of course..."

43. Wha... Yeah?

44. That's it.

45. What? What do you mean, "That's it?"

46. He never finished his sentence.

47. He got a call, ended the interview.

48. "Of course," was the last thing?

49. Maybe he was going to say,

50. "Of course, I have to check with my associates."

51. "Of course, I have to check with my associates."

52. "I want you to have this job, of course...

53. "the Board of Directors is under indictment

54. and will be serving time."

55. "I want you to have this job, of course...

56. sodomy is a prerequisite."

57. Oh, all right.

58. Why don't you just go ahead and call him?

59. Because he made a big deal

60. about how I understand everything immediately.

61. That's what impressed him.

62. So if you call to ask if you have the job,

63. you might lose the job.

64. And if I don't call—

65. You might have the job,

66. but you'll never know it.

67. Oh.

68. What kind of company is it?

69. Rest stop supply.

70. Oh. Oh.

71. Oh. Oh.

72. Good for you.

73. Hey. Yup, yup, yup.

74. Hey.

75. Shower?

76. Haircut.

77. I'm very happy with this.

78. Who'd you use, Gino?

79. Of course.

80. Wouldn't let that butcher cut my hair.

81. What butcher?

82. The uncle: Enzo. Jerry uses him.

83. I've been going to him for 12 years.

84. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.

85. You never get good haircuts.

86. You can get a good one today.

87. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself.

88. Really?

89. Yeah, you know what? You should get one for my bachelor auction.

90. Yeah, you know what? You should get one for my bachelor auction.

91. What bachelor auction?

92. Oh, it's this thing where they auction off

93. dates with bachelors for charity.

94. And you didn't ask me to do it?

95. I could raise enough money to cure polio.

96. I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.

97. Polio?

98. Will you go ahead?

99. You need a haircut.

100. Okay.

101. What are you all dressed up for?

102. Had a job interview.

103. Yeah? How'd it go?

104. Good.

105. Of course...

106. Ah, Jerry!

107. Oh. Hi, Enzo.

108. You come for the haircut.

109. Uh, no. Actually, I was—

110. It's my day off,

111. but I take care of you anyway,

112. because you my favorite customer. You been with me

113. for so long.

114. You're so loyal.

115. Well, uh, if it's your day off—

116. Eh, what's the difference?

117. It takes ten minutes.

118. Well, it's...

119. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you.

120. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you.

121. I don't wanna take too much off.

122. Hey, who's your barber, eh?

123. You tell the joke,

124. I cut the hair.

125. Gino, you've outdone yourself this time.

126. This is the best haircut I've ever had.

127. He massacred you!

128. He massacred you!

129. I know.

130. You look like you're five years-old.

131. What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.

132. You gotta start seeing somebody else.

133. Get out of this relationship.

134. I can't. He loves me.

135. He says I'm his most loyal customer.

136. Plus, he's right there on the corner.

137. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by.

138. But, you gotta do it.

139. I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.

140. Ah.

141. No way my Gino did that.

142. No way my Gino did that.

143. It's an Enzo.

144. He was in the shop. You told me he was off.

145. So what?

146. So I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

147. You can't continue seeing him.

148. You're destroying yourself.

149. Aah!

150. I'm not gonna let you.

151. Now, if you don't call him, I will.

152. No, Kramer, you can't do that.

153. No, I'm call Gino. You'll see him.

154. We're gonna get that haircut fixed up.

155. I don't want you to call him.

156. All right. Gee.

157. You're crazy.

158. So, uh...

159. I still haven't heard about that job.

160. I still haven't heard about that job.

161. Yeah, that's tough one.

162. What are you gonna do?

163. I have an idea.

164. Yeah?

165. I show up.

166. What do you mean, you show up?

167. I show up.

168. I pretend I have the job.

169. The guy's on vacation.

170. If I have the job, it's fine.

171. If not, by the time he comes back,

172. I'm ensconced.

173. Hmm. Not bad.

174. What's the worst that could happen?

175. Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated

176. Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated

177. in front of a large group of people

178. and have to walk out in shame with your tail

179. between your legs.

180. Yeah. So?

181. Yeah, I see what you mean.

182. I forgot who I was dealing with.

183. Good morning.

184. Good morning.

185. Morning. Hi. Nice to see ya.

186. How are ya?

187. Good morning. Good morning.

188. Good morning.

189. How can I help you?

190. Uh, the name is George Costanza.

191. Uh, I'm starting work here today.

192. I was wondering if you could, uh,

193. tell me where my office is?

194. I wasn't aware that uh— Mike!

195. This is George Costanza.

196. He's starting here today.

197. Welcome aboard.

198. Thanks, Mike. Nice to be aboard.

199. I didn't know know Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.

200. Well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation.

201. He wants to find his office.

202. Oh, well, uh...

203. All right, let's see... We've got two.

204. There's the big one down the hall there,

205. and the small one over here. I should ask Jack.

206. Oh, leave Jack alone.

207. Oh, leave Jack alone.

208. Jack's got enough problems.

209. I'll just take the small office.

210. Really?

211. Yes, I like to feel cozy.

212. I have a very small apartment.

213. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in.

214. Love to be nestled.

215. All right. It's 808, right down there.

216. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file.

217. You can start working on that.

218. Yes, of course. The Pensky file.

219. Can't wait to sink my teeth into that.

220. Wow, that Pensky.

221. Well, we'll straighten him out.

222. So, what do you do there all day?

223. They gave me the Pensky file.

224. Oh. So it's a nice place to work?

225. You know, I'm enjoying it very much.

226. I think my co-workers are really taking to me.

227. We're like a family.

228. In fact,

229. yesterday was Grace's birthday.

230. She's such a sweet woman,

231. so we had a little party

232. so we had a little party

233. with cake and champagne, and...

234. I made a toast.

235. What about your boss,

236. who interviewed you?

237. He'll be back on Monday.

238. Hi.

239. Hey. Hi. Hey.

240. How come you're wearing a hat?

241. I got a haircut.

242. Oh, yeah? Can I see it?

243. Nah, there's nothing to see.

244. Come on, let me see it.

245. Forget it.

246. Come on!

247. All right.

248. All right.

249. It's very good. Thank you.

250. I'm sorry.

251. I'm sorry.

252. Did you...?

253. You can forget about me going to that bachelor auction.

254. You can forget about me going to that bachelor auction.

255. What? No. Jerry, you have to go.

256. Ah, you know, Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day.

257. Yeah, too bad.

258. This is the worst haircut Jerry's ever had.

259. You gotta fix it.

260. Sure.

261. I fix.

262. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody.

263. He's a little crazy.

264. I don't know what he do if he find out I touch Jerry's hair.

265. So, I love that Edward Scissorhands!

266. So, I love that Edward Scissorhands!

267. That's the best movie I ever seen.

268. Again with the Edward Scissorhand?

269. How can you have a hand like a scissor, eh?

270. Show me one person who's got a hand like a scissor!

271. Hey, it's a beautiful dream.

272. I love to be this man.

273. Did you ever think

274. about what you're going to do on the toilet, hmm?

275. What are you going to do on the toilet?

276. I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

277. Hey.

278. Hey. Hey.

279. Okay, now listen to me.

280. I talked to Gino. He's going to fix the haircut.

281. Oh, great! Then you can go to the bachelor auction.

282. Yeah, but—? Aah! No buts!

283. His apartment, tonight, 8:00.

284. Can he fix it?

285. I don't know.

286. Boy...

287. You got a beautiful head of hair.

288. Well, thank you.

289. I bet Uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.

290. Actually, Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.

291. Actually, Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.

292. Oh.

293. I don't think Uncle Enzo realize

294. what a lucky barber he is.

295. That's nice of you to say.

296. Oh. Just a sec.

297. Yes?

298. It's your Uncle Enzo.

299. Oh. It's Uncle Enzo!

300. Quick! Go in there! I'll clean up.

301. Come on up.

302. Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here?

303. I come to apologize.

304. Apologize?

305. I rented the movie Edward Scissorhands.

306. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.

307. Oh. He make me cry, too.

308. You want something to drink?

309. Mmm.

310. Hey!

311. What's all this?

312. Nothing.

313. It's just hair.

314. You do haircut in the apartment?

315. No.

316. Pizza man was here.

317. Maybe some fall off.

318. He's going bald.

319. It looks very familiar.

320. In the one minute that he worked on me,

321. I could tell he was really good.

322. Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.

323. Yeah. Yeah.

324. Didn't I tell you?

325. But Enzo picked up one of my hairs.

326. Yeah, so?

327. I think he knew.

328. No, he doesn't know.

329. He knows my hair.

330. You're just imagining things.

331. He doesn't know a thing.

332. Come on. Pull yourself together.

333. Okay, okay.

334. What happened? It looks the same.

335. What happened? It looks the same.

336. He didn't get to finish.

337. His uncle came in. We almost got caught!

338. Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.

339. Take the K-Man.

340. Yep.

341. You can still go.

342. What? Are you kidding?

343. Look at him! He's grotesque!

344. Ya think?

345. Do I think? He's repugnant.

346. What would you wear?

347. Whatever it takes.

348. See, now, Newman is a good customer.

349. Once I find a barber, I stick with him.

350. I almost went to barber school.

351. I always felt I had a talent for it.

352. Not everybody like Newman. So loyal.

353. Yeah, just the way that I was raised.

354. I'm special.

355. You know, I don't mind if somebody's funny,

356. but I no like the funny business.

357. I'm going to go out for a little bit.

358. I'll be right back.

359. Take your time.

360. You happy with the haircut?

361. Hm, it's okay.

362. A little crooked.

363. How you like a free haircut for six months?

364. What's the catch?

365. You're gonna get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

366. Hmm. That job sounds like it might be worth...

367. a year's free haircuts.

368. And a comb.

369. And a comb.

370. Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky's here to see you.

371. Mr. Pensky?

372. Of the Pensky file?

373. Costanza?

374. Arthur Pensky.

375. Mr. Pensky.

376. I, uh, I was just working on your file.

377. I was, uh, transferring the contents of the file

378. I was, uh, transferring the contents of the file

379. into this, uh, flexible accordion-style folder to—

380. Where's Tuttle?

381. He's on vacation.

382. He was on vacation the last time I dropped by.

383. Gimme my file.

384. Looks like you put a lot of work into this.

385. In college, they used to call me the Little Bulldog.

386. Yeah, you are Pensky material.

387. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?

388. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?

389. Really?

390. You are aware—

391. Mr. Costanza?

392. Not now, Clarisse.

393. Mr. Pensky should know

394. they're towing his car.

395. Damn this city!

396. I am aware...

397. I am aware...

398. He knows about us.

399. How do you know?

400. Because I know. He's crazy.

401. All morning, he looking at the hair. He staring at the hair!

402. Who is it?

403. It's Newman.

404. He was in the shop with Enzo.

405. He can't see me here.

406. Go in the bedroom.

407. Go in the bedroom.

408. Use the fire escape.

409. What do you want?

410. Could I use your bathroom?

411. What's wrong with yours?

412. My toilet's clogged. You can't unclog it?

413. No. Did you ask Kramer? He's out.

414. Number one? Yes, yes, yes.

415. May I go?

416. Go ahead.

417. I gotta go very badly. Flush twice!

418. Thank you!

419. No.

420. No.

421. Jackpot.

422. Heh-heh-heh.

423. I don't believe this.

424. There's no hair in this thing!

425. I've never seen a person

426. that didn't have at least one hair in a brush.

427. Unbelievable.

428. Nothing!

429. Ah.

430. You all right?

431. Yeah, yeah.

432. See ya later.

433. What are you doing?

434. What are you doing?

435. I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.

436. Oh. Could I watch a little?

437. It's my favorite movie.

438. Yeah, all right.

439. What? You want something to drink?

440. No, no.

441. If you want to watch, sit down.

442. You're making me nervous.

443. I tell ya, this...

444. Scissorhands is a hell of a barber.

445. Gotta go!

446. Oh, gee, I— I dropped a nickel.

447. Yeah.

448. See ya, Jerry.

449. Did you get it?

450. Heh-heh-heh.

451. Heh-heh-heh.

452. Huh?

453. Eh?

454. Oh, you done good, Newman.

455. It was a cinch.

456. Where you going?

457. Io voglio vendetta!

458. Nine hundred...

459. Do I hear 1000?

460. Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.

461. Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.

462. A thousand!

463. A thousand.

464. Okay, 1000 once...

465. A thousand twice...

466. A thousand three times.

467. Sold! To the lucky lady in the third row.

468. Congratulations.

469. Thank you so much.

470. Okay, our next bachelor is number, um...

471. One twenty-four on your program.

472. He—

473. He is, um...

474. He's a high school graduate.

475. Oh.

476. Oh.

477. Equivalency.

478. A high school equivalency program graduate.

479. Um, he's, um...

480. self-employed.

481. He's...

482. I don't know, 6'3",

483. 190 pounds.

484. He likes, uh...

485. fruit.

486. And, uh, he just got um... a haircut.

487. So...

488. K-Kramer! Oh!

489. Kramer! Oh!

490. Kramer! Oh!

491. Okay, um, why don't we start the bidding?

492. Um...

493. Do I hear five bucks?

494. I don't get this Scissorhands.

495. Is he supposed to be a superhero?

496. Like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy?

497. I'm just asking.

498. Who is it?

499. Enzo Manganero!

500. Oh, my God!

501. One second!

502. Go. Go in the bedroom. Go.

503. It was you that was at Gino's apartment the other night!

504. No, I wasn't there!

505. Don't lie!

506. I know it was you!

507. I get a sample of your hair.

508. I match them up!

509. Sample?

510. Newman!

511. Well, I was there,

512. but I was just dropping off a book.

513. Don't, Jerry.

514. So! It's true!

515. Yes.

516. Yes.

517. Is true.

518. I'm gonna kill the both of you!

519. Mr. Tuttle!

520. You're back.

521. George.

522. I'm surprised to find you here.

523. You are?

524. Oh, I thought you would've taken

525. Oh, I thought you would've taken

526. the larger office.

527. Oh.

528. Oh. Really?

529. I guess I didn't make that clear

530. when I hired you.

531. Well...

532. So where's that Pensky file?

533. Let's see what you've been up to all week.

534. Well, here it is.

535. What have you been doing all week?

536. Well, you missed a lovely party we had for Grace.

537. You haven't done anything with this.

538. Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office.

539. Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office.

540. I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.

541. You are aware

542. that, uh, Pensky is interested in me.

543. You're not Pensky material.

544. Really?

545. Well, we'll just see about that.

546. Ta-ta!

547. Tut-tle.

548. Jerry.

549. MR. Gee, George.

550. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression.

551. What I was going to say was,

552. "Now, you are aware

553. "that our Board of Directors

554. "has been indicted.

555. "Myself included.

556. "And we're prohibited

557. "from doing business

558. until the investigation is completed."

559. So, obviously, we would have no use for you.

560. Obviously.

561. Yes?

562. Excuse me,

563. Excuse me,

564. but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.

565. So when you gonna be able to go out?

566. Not for a while.