Seinfeld 5x21

1. The human fascination with water is amazing.

2. We're constantly going to beaches, pools,

3. lakes, rivers.

4. We're swimming. We're snorkeling.

5. We're scuba-diving. We bathe in it.

6. Our bodies are mostly water.

7. Everyone's carrying around these bottles of water.

8. We can't get enough water, unless it rains.

9. Then we're like, "Oh, look, I'm soaked.

10. I am literally drenched."

11. For some reason,

12. we have a huge problem with small, flying water.

13. It'll just stop us right in our tracks.

14. It'll just stop us right in our tracks.

15. "Oh! I felt a drop.

16. "We're gonna get caught in it!

17. Everyone cover your water bottles! Run!"

18. All right, get off at the next exit.

19. Kramer, I've driven to East Hampton many times.

20. I know the exit.

21. I hear it's a great house. Pool, sun deck...

22. Hoo-hoo. Yeah. I'll be there.

23. You sure we're making the right move?

24. We gotta see the new baby anyway.

25. At least it's in the Hamptons.

26. Didn't they just have a baby?

27. That was two years ago, remember?

28. Jerry, you gotta see the baby.

29. Ya gotta see the baby!

30. Are they just having babies

31. to get people to visit them?

32. Hey, Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?

33. No.

34. Put that on the top of your list.

35. Not for me. A little too delightful.

36. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now.

37. Isn't it weird that George and Jane haven't had sex,

38. but they're spending a weekend together?

39. George is pretty pleased.

40. It's like she signed a letter of intent.

41. When's Rachel coming?

42. 3:00 train.

43. Her father is so religious.

44. I'm amazed he's letting you see her again

45. after that Schindler's List make-out session.

46. I brought him some kishke.

47. I brought him some kishke.

48. What's that?

49. It's a stuffed meat thing.

50. Israeli soldiers carry it

51. in case they're captured behind enemy lines.

52. They eat it, and it kills them.

53. I never tasted a cough medicine

54. I didn't love.

55. Me too. I love cough medicine.

56. You see? We were made for each other.

57. It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast now,

58. she'd throw me out of the car.

59. But at this time tomorrow,

60. I could touch it all I want.

61. What's your favorite?

62. What's your favorite?

63. Pertussin.

64. Ever try it with club soda?

65. No.

66. Oh, very refreshing.

67. Sex is like joining a private club.

68. I'll be the same me tomorrow,

69. but suddenly the "no trespassing" sign will be gone.

70. Are we almost there?

71. Yeah, about 10, 15 minutes.

72. But I have to stop at a vegetable stand.

73. What for?

74. My mother loves Hampton tomatoes.

75. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.

76. Can you buy them later?

77. I really wanna get some... sun.

78. I really wanna get some... sun.

79. Hey, Jerry.

80. Rub some lotion on my back.

81. Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?

82. Come on, and I'll rub some on you.

83. No, that's not sweetening the deal.

84. Oh, come on!

85. No.

86. When I was a kid,

87. I once found $1.50 in change

88. at the bottom of a pool.

89. You must have been excited.

90. Yeah.

91. Hey, I gotta go get those tomatoes.

92. Wanna go for a ride?

93. I don't think so.

94. Okay. I'll, uh... I'll see you later.

95. Anybody want some tomatoes?

96. No, no. No, thanks.

97. I'm gonna take a dip.

98. Go ahead.

99. And then there's Maude.

100. Look at my face. Look at it.

101. Do you see any lines?

102. No lines.

103. You know why? One word: shade.

104. When will we see this baby?

105. When is this momentous event?

106. He's taking a nap or something.

107. I wanna see if there are any girls on the beach.

108. Elaine, wanna come?

109. No, thanks.

110. No, thanks.

111. I got plenty of girlfriends.

112. Well, this is interesting.

113. What?

114. Jane's topless.

115. Yo-Yo Ma.

116. Boutros Boutros-Golly.

117. Nice rack.

118. Come on, you guys. You can see the baby now.

119. Oh, uh, in a minute, Carol.

120. Oh, uh, in a minute, Carol.

121. We'll be right up.

122. This is weird, wild stuff.

123. George hasn't even seen her yet.

124. Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?

125. Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.

126. What?

127. You know, get some good word of mouth going.

128. Oh, here she comes.

129. Uh, ooh.

130. I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?

131. No, thanks.

132. Uh, I'm good.

133. Uh, you can...

134. All right. Show's over. I'm going to the beach.

135. Adam, Jerry and Elaine are here.

136. Where is the cute little snuggly baby?

137. Where is the cute little snuggly baby?

138. Isn't he gorgeous?

139. Oh, he's— Eww...

140. Is he gorgeous?

141. Uh, gorgeous, yes.

142. So very gorgeous.

143. Michael!

144. Shut the door. You're letting bugs in!

145. Is it me,

146. or was that the ugliest baby

147. or was that the ugliest baby

148. you have ever seen?

149. Oh... I couldn't look.

150. It was like a Pekinese.

151. Boy, a little too much chlorine

152. in that gene pool.

153. The thing is, they'll never know.

154. No one's ever gonna tell them.

155. Oh, you have to lie.

156. Oh, it's a must-lie situation.

157. Yes. It's a must-lie situation.

158. I don't think we should tell George

159. we saw Jane topless.

160. No. I don't think so.

161. Remind me to tell Kramer too.

162. Remind me to tell Kramer too.

163. Oh.

164. Oh! Lobster.

165. This ointment should do it.

166. How are you feeling, Adam?

167. Elaine!

168. This is our pediatrician, Ben Pfeffer.

169. Hi.

170. Look at him, Elaine.

171. How gorgeous is he, I ask you?

172. How gorgeous?

173. How gorgeous?

174. Pretty gorgeous.

175. Elaine, do you have kids?

176. Me? Oh, no, but I'd love to have a baby.

177. I mean, I can't wait to have a baby.

178. I'm just dying to have a baby.

179. A beautiful woman like you should.

180. You're quite breathtaking.

181. Breathtaking?

182. I'm breathtaking?

183. And he's very particular.

184. Ben, you're staying over tonight, right?

185. Uh... sure.

186. Uh—

187. I, uh...

188. I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station.

189. Yeah. See ya.

190. Okay.

191. Oh, just look at him.

192. Yeah, he really is breathtaking.

193. The train was so crowded,

194. I had a seat facing the wrong way.

195. I like that. It's like going back in time.

196. Hey, Rachel.

197. Hey, Rachel.

198. Hi. I'm gonna go in and get changed.

199. Okay.

200. What kind of greeting was that?

201. She's got greeting problems.

202. Yeah.

203. Boy, I love these Hampton tomatoes.

204. You can eat them like apples.

205. The tomato never really took off as a hand fruit.

206. Well, the tomato's an anomaly,

207. so successful with the ketchup and the sauce,

208. but you can't find a good one.

209. Hey, hey, hey!

210. Look at what I got!

211. Whoa!

212. Yeah!

213. Yeah!

214. Wow!

215. The K-Man!

216. You got lobster for everybody?

217. Yeah, and they're fresh!

218. Right out of the ocean!

219. This is fantastic! Man, what a weekend!

220. Swimming, lobster for dinner.

221. I know. It's great.

222. I saw Jane topless.

223. You saw who what?

224. You saw who what?

225. Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.

226. All right.

227. You saw Jane topless?

228. Well, when you went for the tomatoes,

229. she lied out topless.

230. You mean face-down on her chest.

231. No.

232. Face-up on her back?

233. Yeah.

234. Well, why'd she do that?

235. Well, I guess she was hot.

236. You mean she just lay there topless?

237. You mean she just lay there topless?

238. No. She got up. She walked around.

239. Yeah.

240. Walked around?

241. And you looked?

242. Of course! She's got a great body, buddy.

243. I'm gonna go upstairs. I'll be right back.

244. I can't believe that you saw her before me!

245. Think of me as a doctor.

246. Well, how good a look did you get?

247. Well, what do you mean?

248. Well...

249. If she was a criminal and you had to describe her

250. to a police sketch artist.

251. to a police sketch artist.

252. They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

253. Great. Great.

254. So any time you want,

255. you can just visualize her naked.

256. I guess that's true.

257. Stop it. Stop it.

258. This is not fair! It's not fair.

259. I don't like this situation, not one bit.

260. What do you want? You wanna see Rachel naked?

261. Yes! Yes!

262. Yeah, right.

263. The punishment should fit the crime.

264. You can see me naked. I can offer ya that.

265. It's like I'm Neil Armstrong.

266. It's like I'm Neil Armstrong.

267. I turn around for a sip of Tang,

268. and you jump out first!

269. Nobody ever called me "breathtaking" before.

270. I've never been called "breathtaking" either.

271. I mean, if he thinks that that baby is breathtaking,

272. then who's not breathtaking?

273. Maybe he just said it

274. because the mother was in the room.

275. Yeah. Right. That's a possibility.

276. I have to find out.

277. How you gonna do that?

278. I can be very clever.

279. I'm gonna take a swim.

280. I'm gonna take a swim.

281. Oh, me too. I'll meet you down there.

282. Oh. Don't go in.

283. Rachel's getting undressed.

284. Oh, okay.

285. Hey!

286. Oh, sorry.

287. Don't you knock?

288. I'm sorry. Uh...

289. It's not like I'll see something

290. I've never seen before. You might have.

291. I didn't. You won't.

292. What do you want anyway, George?

293. Yes, George.

294. I'm kind of wondering myself.

295. What is it that you want?

296. What is it that you want?

297. No, I was just wondering if you guys, uh...

298. had any gum.

299. Oh!

300. So you were swimming in the pool,

301. and you wanted some gum.

302. Yes. Because the water was cold,

303. and the, uh, chewing warms me up.

304. We don't have any gum.

305. Okay.

306. Thanks anyway.

307. Strange man.

308. Wait till you get to know him.

309. Wait till you get to know him.

310. So where is this baby anyway?

311. Oh. Check it out.

312. I guarantee you've never seen anything

313. quite so objectionable.

314. It's down the hall, third door on your left.

315. Aah! Oh, my God!

316. I'm sorry. I thought this was the baby's room.

317. I'm really sorry.

318. I was in the pool!

319. I was in the pool!

320. Did she do it on purpose?

321. It was my fault.

322. I told her the wrong door.

323. I was supposed to see her.

324. She wasn't supposed to see me.

325. Well, so what?

326. Well, ordinarily I wouldn't mind.

327. But...

328. But what?

329. Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool,

330. and the water was cold.

331. Oh.

332. You mean shrinkage.

333. Yes.

334. Significant shrinkage.

335. So you feel you were shortchanged.

336. Yes.

337. I mean, if she thinks that's me,

338. she's under a complete misapprehension.

339. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

340. Well, so what's the difference?

341. What if she talks with Jane?

342. She's not gonna tell Jane. How do you know?

343. Women aren't like us.

344. They're worse!

345. They're much worse than us. They talk about everything!

346. Couldn't you tell her about the shrinkage?

347. No, I won't tell her about your shrinkage.

348. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.

349. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.

350. How do women know about shrinkage?

351. Isn't it common knowledge?

352. Oh, for...

353. Elaine! Elaine.

354. Elaine!

355. What?

356. Do women know about shrinkage?

357. What do you mean, like laundry?

358. No.

359. Like when a man goes swimming.

360. Afterwards...

361. It shrinks?

362. Like a frightened turtle.

363. Why does it shrink?

364. It just does.

365. I don't know how

366. you guys walk around with those things.

367. Excellent lobster, Kramer.

368. Really good.

369. Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?

370. Oh. Uh, no, I can't.

371. I'm kosher. We don't eat shellfish.

372. You mean you've never tasted lobster?

373. No.

374. Wow.

375. You're so... pious.

376. I really respect that.

377. You know, when you die,

378. you're gonna get some special attention.

379. Oh, the baby's crying. I'll get him.

380. He can sit with us.

381. No! No!

382. You don't wanna do that.

383. You'll be uncomfortable.

384. Yeah. Finish eating.

385. The baby won't have any fun here.

386. We're not fun for a baby.

387. The lobsters will scare him.

388. Grr. Grr.

389. I'm gonna get him.

390. Oh.

391. Oh.

392. See? Look at this.

393. Rachel.

394. My T-shirt shrunk.

395. It used to be much bigger,

396. and now it shrunk.

397. See, that's what water does.

398. It shrinks things.

399. Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science.

400. What are you doing? What are you laughing at?

401. It's nothing, George.

402. It's very impolite to tell secrets.

403. Are you talking about me?

404. Are you talking about me?

405. What is it with you?

406. Easy, big fella.

407. So, Kramer, where'd you get these lobsters?

408. At MacLeish's Fish Market?

409. No.

410. I got them in the ocean.

411. The ocean? What do you mean?

412. Well... I found this rope,

413. and I kept tugging on it.

414. All these lobsters came up.

415. Those are commercial lobster traps.

416. You can't take lobsters from there.

417. That's against the law.

418. Hey, take it easy.

419. There are plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.

420. My father was a lobsterman.

421. My father was a lobsterman.

422. He got up every morning at 4

423. and came home at night stinking of brine.

424. He sent me through law school

425. with the lobsters he caught.

426. Here he is.

427. Aw... yaahh!

428. Some night, huh?

429. Yeah.

430. I wish I had my telescope.

431. Some dinner, huh?

432. Some dinner, huh?

433. Yeah.

434. Nothing like really fresh-caught lobster.

435. Some house, huh?

436. It was built by Mark Farbman.

437. He built a lot of these homes here.

438. Some ugly baby, huh?

439. What did you say?

440. I said, uh...

441. some... snuggly baby.

442. Yeah.

443. He is something.

444. Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Pfeffer,

445. Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Pfeffer,

446. I was— I was surprised

447. to hear you use a word like "breathtaking"

448. to describe a baby.

449. I mean, because you also used it referring to me.

450. Well, you know, Elaine,

451. sometimes you say a thing like that

452. just to be nice.

453. You told her?

454. Yeah. What's the big deal?

455. You don't understand this organ.

456. It's very... schizophrenic.

457. Anyway, what's the difference?

458. Anyway, what's the difference?

459. You're the ones who are obsessed with this stuff, not us.

460. I'm sure Jane doesn't care.

461. You're going back to New York now?

462. Yeah. I have some things to do tomorrow.

463. Uh-huh.

464. Uh-huh.

465. I think you spoke to Rachel.

466. That's what I think.

467. So what if I did?

468. She didn't say something to you

469. about a certain something?

470. I don't know what you're talking about.

471. I think that you think

472. that a certain something is not all it could be,

473. when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more.

474. when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more.

475. I'm sure it is.

476. Look, you don't understand.

477. There was shrinkage!

478. You looking for this?

479. Aah!

480. Oh, Kramer.

481. You startled me.

482. Well...

483. I thought you might wind up around here.

484. Yeah, well,

485. I couldn't stop thinking

486. I couldn't stop thinking

487. about the way everybody was enjoying the lobster so much.

488. Well, I thought a little taste couldn't hurt.

489. May I?

490. No, I'm afraid I couldn't do that.

491. Why not?

492. Well, now, it wouldn't be kosher.

493. Come on, Kramer. I really wanna try it.

494. No, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.

495. Come on, Kramer.

496. Ahh!

497. I heard a car drive out. What was that?

498. I heard a car drive out. What was that?

499. Oh, that's just Jane, driving back to New York

500. in the middle of the night.

501. George.

502. Thanks so much for making breakfast.

503. These are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted.

504. I didn't know you could cook.

505. Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude

506. to our gracious host.

507. Yes, George. The whole breakfast is breathtaking.

508. Good morning.

509. Hey. Morning.

510. Morning.

511. Morning.

512. Kramer.

513. I wanna thank you again for last night.

514. You really saved me.

515. What happened?

516. Well, I almost tried the lobster.

517. But Kramer stopped me.

518. Well, I knew you'd regret it

519. for the rest of your life.

520. I would have.

521. Hey, look at this guy.

522. A little breakfast?

523. Yeah.

524. And you eat eggs, don't you?

525. Yes, I do.

526. All right.

527. Thank you.

528. These are delicious.

529. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?

530. These are so good.

531. These are so good.

532. Aw. Enjoying them?

533. Mm-hm.

534. Oh, good.

535. You know, you might wanna try eating it

536. with one of these.

537. There's lobster in these eggs?

538. Not that much. They shrink in the water.

539. Well, I guess I gotta go too.

540. Well, this has turned out

541. to be one hell of a weekend.

542. Excuse me.

543. Excuse me.

544. I'm sorry to bother you,

545. but we're trying to track down a lobster poacher

546. that cleaned out one of the traps.

547. Wonder what's going on.

548. Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.

549. There he is, officer.

550. Yeah.

551. Don't you ever knock?

552. Why did Rachel have to drive back

553. with Michael and Carol?

554. Hey, if you saw me naked,

555. I wouldn't wanna ride with you either.

556. I wouldn't wanna ride with you either.

557. I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.

558. How is he gonna pay off a $1000 fine?

559. They got some sort of program.

560. What?

561. Hey, there's a tomato stand.

562. Let's stop. I can get some more.

563. Hey, isn't that Michael's car?

564. There's Rachel.

565. Where?

566. Look at the work people will do to get to the ocean.

567. They'll fight the traffic and the heat

568. and the parking and the hot sand,

569. trying to get through the waves,

570. and the ironic thing is,

571. the ocean doesn't even really want us in there.

572. That's what's surfing is.

573. Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself.

574. You see?

575. We keep trying to paddle in.

576. And the ocean is saying, "No, you don't."

577. The ocean is like a nightclub,

578. and the waves are bouncers tossing us out.

579. and the waves are bouncers tossing us out.

580. The undertow's like the really mean bouncer.

581. Instead of throwing you out,

582. they take you in back and rough you up a little bit.

583. "Oh, you wanna come in?

584. How about coming in, like, 25 miles?"