Seinfeld 5x17

1. Of the places you go all the time,

2. the dry cleaning relationship is the most bizarre.

3. You give each other the same thing over and over again.

4. He gives it to you. You give it to him.

5. He gives it back to you.

6. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way.

7. He has it as much as you do.

8. You ought to go shopping with him.

9. "What do you think of this shirt?"

10. "That would look good with a light starch."

11. The only warning label people respect is "dry-clean only."

12. Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings—

13. Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings—

14. Your very life is at stake.

15. People go, "Ah, the hell with it!"

16. But dry-clean only? "Don't put that in the wash!

17. It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?"

18. Good morning.

19. Good morning.

20. How'd you sleep?

21. Hey, you are on the couch tonight, young lady.

22. You were all over my side.

23. I was not.

24. I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!

25. By the way, you're falling way behind on the "I love you's."

26. No, no, 12-8.

27. No, it's 15-8.

28. I know I can't beat you.

29. I try to stay competitive.

30. Let's get some breakfast.

31. Uh, let me get a coat.

32. I think I'll try a sport jacket and scarf thing.

33. You know, like an unemployed actor.

34. You know, like an unemployed actor.

35. Ahh. I haven't worn this one in a long time.

36. Ooh, cashmere?

37. No, Gor-Tex.

38. It's new.

39. Look at this locket.

40. What the hell's this?

41. There's a picture in here. Look.

42. Wow, this is really old.

43. You don't know whose it is?

44. No, I haven't worn this jacket

45. since I had it dry-cleaned.

46. Maybe we should ask him.

47. We'll stop there.

48. What do you want for breakfast?

49. Pancakes.

50. Come on, you know I'm getting pancakes.

51. I don't know that!

52. I don't know that!

53. We can't both get pancakes. It's embarrassing.

54. It's one step from the couples that dress alike.

55. I'll get the short stack.

56. Ah, that's why I love you.

57. 15-9.

58. Hey, how ya doing?

59. We just got back from breakfast.

60. The pancakes were dynamite.

61. Hey, is that my maple syrup?

62. Oh...

63. yeah.

64. You bring your own syrup?

65. Got to.

66. You got a lot to learn about pancakes.

67. This is my wife.

68. She died eight years ago.

69. She died eight years ago.

70. I've been looking all over for this.

71. It's a lucky thing I put the jacket on.

72. But how did it get in the pocket?

73. The chain is broken.

74. It must have slipped in when I was, uh...

75. Oh, wow.

76. I turned my house upside down looking for this!

77. It's all I have left of her.

78. Oh, that's so touching.

79. You know what I'm gonna do for you?

80. I'm gonna give you and your family

81. 25 percent off all your dry-cleaning.

82. Oh, come on! What are ya talkin'--

83. It's silly. Forget it.

84. Get outta here! It's done.

85. All right.

86. Well, I guess I get it, too,

87. Well, I guess I get it, too,

88. because... I'm his wife.

89. I didn't know you were married.

90. Oh... yeah.

91. Uh, you've never met my wife, uh, Meryl.

92. Meryl Seinfeld.

93. Yeah, sure. You get the discount too.

94. You might regret that.

95. The money my wife spends on clothes—

96. I'm taking him to the cleaners.

97. See her sense of humor?

98. Come here. I'm so nuts about you.

99. It was fun being single,

100. but when you meet a woman like this,

101. you don't walk to get married, you run.

102. you don't walk to get married, you run.

103. Ooh.

104. Oh.

105. Hey. Hi, Greg.

106. Haven't seen you in a while. Yeah.

107. Today's the first day I worked out

108. since the Central Park Mini-Marathon.

109. You ran the Mini-Marathon?

110. No, but I exercised that day.

111. Well, I gotta take off.

112. Yeah, as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people

113. who can say that and mean it.

114. Um...

115. Do you have the time?

116. Do you have the time?

117. Eleven-thirty.

118. Eleven-thirty?

119. Wait, wait.

120. Ten-thirty. Sorry. Oh. Oh.

121. You have to be somewhere?

122. No.

123. Then what are you doing?

124. I'm just waiting for my friend, George.

125. We worked out together.

126. Oh.

127. Well, it was good seeing you.

128. Yeah, nice to see you too.

129. Bye.

130. Uh, would you, um...

131. C-can I—

132. Pardon?

133. The syrup. Would you pass the syrup?

134. Oh, you want to try the syrup?

135. Oh, you want to try the syrup?

136. Can I get you anything else?

137. Um. Yeah. My wife and I will have some more coffee.

138. Okay.

139. And the check for my husband.

140. To my beautiful wife.

141. Ahh. To my adoring husband.

142. Adoring? What about handsome?

143. I like "adoring."

144. Adoring's good for you. What does it do for me?

145. Um, excuse me.

146. Um, excuse me.

147. Where did you get that?

148. I— Well, um—

149. We don't allow any outside syrups,

150. jams or condiments in the restaurant.

151. And if I catch you in here with that again,

152. I will confiscate it.

153. Yeah, well, I— I told my wife not to bring it.

154. Really? Twenty-five percent off?

155. Well, do I get that too?

156. No. Just Meryl.

157. No. Just Meryl.

158. Why does she get it?

159. Because she's my wife.

160. Yeah?

161. Mah. Uh.

162. You know, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing.

163. You think about each other. You care about each other.

164. It's wonderful.

165. Plus I love saying "my wife."

166. Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop.

167. "My wife" this, "my wife" that.

168. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.

169. "My wife has an inner-ear infection."

170. See?

171. See?

172. I like that.

173. Hey, will you do me a favor?

174. Will you take my quilt into the cleaners

175. so I can get the discount too?

176. Oh, come on, we're gonna do this?

177. I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in.

178. Just this one time. It's expensive!

179. All right.

180. Hey. Hi. Hey.

181. Hey, Elaine? Yeah.

182. If neither of us is married in ten years,

183. we get hitched.

184. Let's make it 50.

185. We're engaged.

186. I'm gonna get my quilt.

187. All right. Listen to this.

188. You remember that guy at the health club?

189. You remember that guy at the health club?

190. The flyboy. Yeah.

191. Hey, where's George?

192. I waited. He didn't show up.

193. Anyway.

194. This guy gave me an open-lip kiss.

195. Mm.

196. So?

197. So?

198. We've always just pecked.

199. This one had a totally different dynamic.

200. Really?

201. Yeah. His upper lip landed flush

202. on my upper lip, but his lower lip

203. landed well below my rim.

204. Ah-ha.

205. Moisture? Definite moisture.

206. That's an open-lip kiss all right.

207. Yeah.

208. Yeah.

209. I think he's giving me a big signal.

210. Maybe he wants to change our relationship. Wow.

211. Yeah?

212. Oh, uh...

213. It's George.

214. Hey, what happened to you?

215. Nothing. A little problem.

216. Well, what was it? I was waiting.

217. Can I come upstairs, please?

218. Maybe he wants to ask me out.

219. I don't know why you're interested. He's a jerk.

220. Because he doesn't pay any attention to me,

221. Because he doesn't pay any attention to me,

222. and, uh, he ignores me.

223. Yeah, so?

224. I respect that.

225. Hmm. What happened?

226. Nothing, I...

227. said it was a little problem.

228. Yeah, what was it?

229. Well, I was in the locker room showering, and I...

230. I had to go, so...

231. Here we go.

232. Anyway, I think the guy

233. in the shower opposite saw me.

234. in the shower opposite saw me.

235. He even gave me a dirty look.

236. You went...

237. in the shower?

238. Yeah, so what?

239. I'm not the only one.

240. Do you go in the shower?

241. No, never.

242. Do you?

243. I take baths.

244. Well, what was I supposed to do?

245. Get outta the shower, put on my bathrobe,

246. go all the way down to the other end,

247. come all the way back?

248. Did you ever hear of holding it in?

249. Did you ever hear of holding it in?

250. Oh, no. That's very bad for the kidneys.

251. How do you know?

252. Medical journals!

253. Do the medical journals mention anything

254. about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

255. Hello.

256. Oh, hi, honey.

257. What are you doing here?

258. Just thought I'd drop off a few things.

259. Oh. Heh.

260. I must have been in the incinerator room when you left.

261. Here ya go, Marty.

262. Here ya go, Marty.

263. Another quilt?

264. Huh?

265. Jerry!

266. Uncle Leo.

267. Hello!

268. Hello.

269. So if you or your wife drop by on Wednesday,

270. it should be ready.

271. Your wife?

272. Yeah...

273. my wife.

274. What are you talking about?

275. Uh...

276. I got married.

277. You got married?

278. I wasn't invited?

279. Nobody sends me an invitation?

280. Nobody sends me an invitation?

281. Well, it was... sudden.

282. Are you ashamed of your uncle?

283. Do I embarrass you?

284. No, no. It was a small ceremony.

285. Haven't I always been the good uncle?

286. Yes, yes, you have.

287. Who told you when you went to school that you print well?

288. You did, you did.

289. When he was younger

290. he had a beautiful penmanship.

291. I used to encourage him to print.

292. I'm a good printer.

293. I remember your "V."

294. It was like a perfect triangle.

295. Oh! There's my bus.

296. Oh! There's my bus.

297. There you go, Jerry. Okay.

298. Hello! Wait!

299. Uncle Leo! Uncle—

300. I'm glad you're here.

301. This can get really boring.

302. You know where I could get some good olives?

303. I can find out.

304. Would ya? Sure.

305. Oh, a project!

306. That's a definite signal.

307. You know, by the way,

308. you look really great in that leotard.

309. Oh... thanks.

310. That's no signal.

311. Who wouldn't like me in this leotard?

312. I look amazing in this leotard.

313. I look amazing in this leotard.

314. You know what's weird?

315. I think I had a dream about you last night.

316. Okay, he open-lips me. He dreams about me.

317. We have an olive project.

318. That's it, I'm asking this guy out.

319. Um, you know, Greg—

320. Can I have a sip of your water?

321. Oh. Yeah, sure.

322. Thanks.

323. Oh, my God!

324. I'm sorry. You were saying?

325. Uh, it was nothing. Forget it.

326. See that guy right there?

327. See that guy right there?

328. Yeah. You mean him?

329. Yeah.

330. I caught him urinating in the shower.

331. I'm thinking about turning him in too.

332. Honey?

333. Could you get me something to drink?

334. You're right there.

335. Come on, I'm sitting!

336. Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?

337. I didn't do anything with it.

338. It was here yesterday.

339. It's in the first drawer.

340. I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.

341. Yes, it is.

342. Hey, I'm not stupid.

343. I'm looking. There's no can opener.

344. Did I say you were stupid?

345. Well, wouldn't I have to be?

346. You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer.

347. I'm looking in the drawer. There's no can opener.

348. What other conclusion could one reach?

349. Want me to go find it?

350. Want me to go find it?

351. Yes.

352. I do.

353. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer.

354. Hello, I'm sorry. I'm fighting with my wife.

355. Jerry, we just heard.

356. What's going on?

357. Why the hell didn't you tell us?

358. Listen, Mom—

359. It was in here yesterday.

360. Yeah, that's what I said.

361. Who is she? When did this happen?

362. I told her you'd get married.

363. She thought you'd never do it.

364. Morty, you're talking too loud.

365. I'm not talking loud.

366. You're hurting my eardrum.

367. You must have done something with it.

368. I'm on the phone!

369. Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?

370. Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?

371. Mom, I'm not married.

372. What?

373. I'm not married!

374. I knew it. I told you!

375. Uncle Leo said.

376. I'm just pretending to get a discount on dry-cleaning.

377. A discount on dry-cleaning?

378. Could you make a little more noise?

379. I'll have to call you later.

380. Well, I give up.

381. Well, whoopee-whoo.

382. You got any coffee?

383. Yeah. Oh, boy.

384. Yeah. Oh, boy.

385. Geez.

386. I'll get it. I'll get it.

387. Take it easy. Why you so tired?

388. My quilt is still at the cleaners.

389. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt.

390. The other night I was cold.

391. So last night, I turn up the heat. It's too hot.

392. I open up a window. It's too cold.

393. I can't get into the zone.

394. What is that? Huh?

395. That. Oh.

396. I forgot.

397. Hey, I'm sorry about that can opener stuff.

398. Yeah. Me too.

399. I love you.

400. Love you.

401. Well, good night.

402. Good night.

403. They could kick me out if he tells them.

404. So, what do you want me to do?

405. Talk to him!

406. How can I do that?

407. You said he gave you an open-lipped kiss!

408. Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle

409. when I offered him water.

410. That doesn't mean anything.

411. Are you kidding? It's significant.

412. If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs.

413. He'd just crave my germs.

414. She's right, George.

415. Bottle wipe is big.

416. Well, what about the open-lip kiss?

417. Well, what about the open-lip kiss?

418. Bottle wipe supersedes it.

419. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

420. All right, maybe he's not interested,

421. but you still know him.

422. Can't you just ask him?

423. Yeah, George, but if I ask him now,

424. I will have no chance of going out with him.

425. Why?

426. I... I don't know.

427. Uh-huh.

428. Ah-ha.

429. Could it be because you don't want him to know

430. that you have a friend who pees in the shower?

431. that you have a friend who pees in the shower?

432. No, that's not it!

433. Oh, I think it is.

434. That's exactly what it is!

435. Why couldn't you just wait?

436. I was there! I saw a drain!

437. Since when is a drain a toilet?

438. It's all pipes! What's the difference?

439. Different pipes go to different places!

440. You're gonna mix 'em up.

441. I'll call a plumber right now!

442. Can we drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?

443. Okay!

444. Okay, okay!

445. I will talk to him.

446. Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.

447. All right.

448. You gotta pick it up for me.

449. All right, but this is the last time!

450. All right, but this is the last time!

451. I'm so tired.

452. Boy, you don't look good.

453. Huh? I don't?

454. No. You look pale.

455. Pale?

456. Oh, my God!

457. I gotta meet Anna's parents today.

458. Hello?

459. Oh, hi, honey.

460. Yes, I told him.

461. I'll get it.

462. Whenever.

463. Okay.

464. Okay, I'm sorry.

465. Okay, I'm sorry.

466. I'm sorry.

467. It's not ready yet.

468. Not ready?

469. It has to be ready.

470. What kind of a business are you running here?

471. Who the hell are you? It's not your quilt.

472. He's a very good friend of mine,

473. like an older brother to me.

474. When things don't go right,

475. he takes it personally.

476. Well, uh, maybe tomorrow.

477. Maybe.

478. It's okay. It'll be okay.

479. I'll see you later.

480. Where you going?

481. I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember?

482. I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember?

483. I look terrible.

484. I'm going to hit the tanning machines.

485. You know those things are bad for you.

486. Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.

487. I'm going home.

488. Yeah.

489. Excuse me.

490. Yeah?

491. How much would it cost to clean this?

492. Oh... about $13.

493. Thirteen? Uh-huh.

494. Well, I can't afford that.

495. Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

496. Hi, Greg.

497. Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second.

498. 'Kay.

499. I got the machine next, buddy.

500. Oh!

501. Ahh.

502. It's all yours.

503. What happened? Did he bring it up?

504. What happened? Did he bring it up?

505. Never mind that.

506. Look at the signal I just got.

507. Signal. What signal?

508. Look, he knew I'd use the machine next.

509. He didn't wipe his sweat off.

510. That's a gesture of intimacy!

511. I'll tell you what that is.

512. That's a violation of club rules.

513. Now I got him. And you're my witness.

514. Wait a second, George.

515. Listen! Listen!

516. He knew what he was doing.

517. This was a signal.

518. A puddle of sweat's a signal?

519. Yes. It's a social thing.

520. What if he left a used Kleenex? What's that, a Valentine?

521. Now, you tell him if he's thinking of turning me in,

522. Now, you tell him if he's thinking of turning me in,

523. then I got the goods on him.

524. No, I won't be a party to this.

525. So you'll let me get suspended for shower urination?

526. Okay, I'll talk to him,

527. but you're putting me in a very difficult position.

528. I can't let you do this.

529. I want to.

530. But it isn't right. I can't.

531. Give me the clothes.

532. Jerry, please.

533. What about her?

534. Oh, the hell with her.

535. No.

536. I can't.

537. No, Jerry. Please!

538. I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life.

539. I can't fight you.

540. Do you want box or hanger?

541. Oh, you decide.

542. You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh?

543. Yeah.

544. Oh, there's the manager.

545. Good. I'll talk to her about that guy.

546. You know, we cannot have people like that in here.

547. Are you sure you want to do that?

548. Yeah. He's disgusting!

549. Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her.

550. You're interested in— In her?

551. Very.

552. Ah.

553. Hm.

554. You know, uh...

555. I'm engaged.

556. Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.

557. Oh, good.

558. There he is.

559. I wanna be able to point him out.

560. Uh, you know, Greg,

561. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

562. Why?

563. Correct me if I'm wrong,

564. Correct me if I'm wrong,

565. but isn't it a violation of club policy

566. to not wipe down a machine after using it?

567. Oh, I see.

568. You're friends with the urinator, aren't you?

569. Yeah, well...

570. At least he had a drain.

571. There you go, Mrs. Seinfeld.

572. With your twenty-five percent discount,

573. With your twenty-five percent discount,

574. it comes to $17.80.

575. Here you go.

576. Okay.

577. Excuse me, this isn't mine.

578. Oh, yes, it is.

579. Your husband brought it in himself.

580. Really?

581. Uh-huh.

582. Thank you.

583. That's him.

584. Okay.

585. Oh. Hi.

586. You son of a bitch!

587. I'm sorry.

588. Who is she? I wanna know who she is.

589. It doesn't matter.

590. I want a divorce.

591. A divorce?

592. Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount?

593. Yes, that's right.

594. What happened to us, Jerry?

595. What happened to us, Jerry?

596. I'll tell you what happened.

597. We got married.

598. I'm sorry. This is my fault. I pushed it on you.

599. No. I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities

600. of a pretend marriage.

601. Goodbye, Jerry.

602. Oh...

603. I forgot.

604. This is your maple syrup.

605. It's all right. I want you to have it.

606. Okay. Thanks.

607. We'll always have pancakes.

608. We'll always have pancakes.

609. Goodbye, Jerry.

610. I thought you said

611. you was bringing a white boy home.

612. I don't see a white boy.

613. I see a damn fool!

614. To me, the thing about marriage is,

615. I can't believe how often it happens.

616. I mean, I like the idea of it,

617. but I can't believe that many people

618. are meeting people that they wanna see every single day,

619. every day, every day, every day, every day?

620. That should happen, like, three or four times

621. in the whole century.

622. Like any major investment, you sign a marriage contract.

623. Here's your person.

624. If you're a man, the bride's family pays for the wedding.

625. That's like getting cash back.

626. That's like getting cash back.

627. Till death do us part.

628. That's the extended warranty program.

629. And you give her the ring. That's the keys.

630. You slide it on, start him up.

631. But you gotta try and make it work, because remember:

632. Your value drops twenty percent the minute you drive

633. each other off the lot.