1. I think people think of their office
as a stationery store with Danish.Copy !req
2. You know what I mean?
You wanna get your pastry...Copy !req
3. your envelopes, your supplies...Copy !req
4. your toilet paper, six cups of coffee,
and you go home.Copy !req
5. Why do people that work in offices...Copy !req
6. have pictures of their family
on their desk facing them?Copy !req
7. Do they forget that they're married?Copy !req
8. Do they go, "5:00. Time to hit the bars
and pick up hookers.Copy !req
9. Hold it a second.Copy !req
10. I got a wife and three kids.
I better get home.Copy !req
11. I completely forgot."Copy !req
12. - She hasn't told her father yet?
- We're supposed to tell him tonight.Copy !req
13. - What do you mean, "we're"?
- Susan wants me to be there.Copy !req
14. You're meeting the father
for the first time?Copy !req
15. - Yeah.
- You'll make quite an impression...Copy !req
16. when you tell him how
you burned his cabin down.Copy !req
17. I didn't burn it down. Kramer did.Copy !req
18. I mean, the whole thing is ironic.
Think of it.Copy !req
19. The guy's nice enough to give you
a box of very fine Cuban cigars-Copy !req
20. - I know what happened.
- No, wait.Copy !req
21. - Then you dump them off onto Kramer.
- I know.Copy !req
22. Who proceeds to burn
the man's cabin down...Copy !req
23. with one of those
very same cigars.Copy !req
24. It's very comical.Copy !req
25. Maybe we shouldn't
start writing today.Copy !req
26. I got a lot on my mind.Copy !req
27. We've put this off long enough.
Today's the day.Copy !req
28. I wonder how Susan's
father's gonna react.Copy !req
29. What's the worst he can do?
So you burn a house down.Copy !req
30. Come on.Copy !req
31. Not even a house. It's like a cabin.Copy !req
32. We could build a cabin like that.Copy !req
33. Well, maybe not us,
but two men could.Copy !req
34. BICs? What, did you get BICs?Copy !req
35. What, you got a problem
with the pen, now?Copy !req
36. I like a Rolling Writer.
They're smooth.Copy !req
37. All right, let's just get to work.Copy !req
38. NBC pilot. Seinfeld Project.Copy !req
39. Act 1, Scene A.Copy !req
40. So you're gonna sit there?Copy !req
41. Let me explain to you...Copy !req
42. one of the key elements involved
in the writing process.Copy !req
43. Because it may seem outwardly...Copy !req
44. that the pen and the paper
and the chair play a large role.Copy !req
45. But they're all somewhat incidental
to the actual using of the brain.Copy !req
46. Okay, so just- Just park yourself.Copy !req
47. All right. Act 1, Scene A.Copy !req
48. - Drink?
- No. No drink.Copy !req
49. - All right. Here we go.
- Act 1, Scene A.Copy !req
50. - Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?
- Yes.Copy !req
51. Hi, is Elaine there?Copy !req
52. Oh, hi, Sandra.Copy !req
53. Yeah, I can hold.Copy !req
54. Every time I call, I gotta chitchat
with her assistant for, like, 20 minutes.Copy !req
55. Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen,
I'm at a pay phone.Copy !req
56. There's a lot of people
waiting to use it.Copy !req
57. I'll be off in a minute!Copy !req
58. Yeah, could you put me through
to Elaine?Copy !req
59. Okay, thanks.Copy !req
60. Are you thinking of ideas?Copy !req
61. Is there any way I can
get you directly?Copy !req
62. Every time I call, Sandra bends
my ear for, like, 20 minutes.Copy !req
63. So we're on for later?Copy !req
64. Yeah, I'll come by after work.Copy !req
65. Hey, I got a rubber-pencil thing
happening here.Copy !req
66. I gotta go. I gotta go.Copy !req
67. Sandra? Sandra?Copy !req
68. Can you come here
for a second?Copy !req
69. - Okay. Let's go.
- Here we go.Copy !req
70. - You got it? Here we go.
- Yeah.Copy !req
71. Okay, how about this:Copy !req
72. I'm in my apartment.
You come in.Copy !req
73. It's beautiful.Copy !req
74. And what do I say?Copy !req
75. Could you do me a favour?Copy !req
76. When my friends call...Copy !req
77. could you not talk to them
for too long?Copy !req
78. Why, did Jerry say something?Copy !req
79. No. No.Copy !req
80. He must've said something.Copy !req
81. Oh, no, he didn't say anything.Copy !req
82. - I can't work for you.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
83. - I can't. I'm leaving.
- No, Sandra...Copy !req
84. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really am.Copy !req
85. Listen, Jerry's under a lot
of pressure right now.Copy !req
86. It's very hard being
a stand-up comedian.Copy !req
87. Sometimes they don't laugh.Copy !req
88. - All right, let's get going.
- All right, let's go to work.Copy !req
89. - Let's go.
- Okay.Copy !req
90. - Hey.
- We're in the middle of something.Copy !req
91. - We're trying to do a little work here.
- Yeah, come on.Copy !req
92. What's with you?Copy !req
93. - No more golf.
- Why?Copy !req
94. Remember I told you about the pro
at the Westchester Country Club...Copy !req
95. who's letting me play every time
I gave him those Cuban cigars?Copy !req
96. - Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire!Copy !req
97. Hey, George, maybe you can
ask Susan's father for some more.Copy !req
98. What are you, crazy?Copy !req
99. I can't ask the guy for more cigars
after you burned down his cabin.Copy !req
100. What's one thing got to do
with another?Copy !req
101. Kramer, please.Copy !req
102. Well, I can't go back
to the public courses now.Copy !req
103. I can't. I won't.Copy !req
104. I mean, you know what that's like?
It's crowded.Copy !req
105. The grass has
big brown patches in it.Copy !req
106. They don't rake the sand traps.Copy !req
107. Not to mention the calibre of people
you have to play with.Copy !req
108. I can't help you. You're gonna have to
get them someplace else.Copy !req
109. Where? They're Cubans.Copy !req
110. - You know what? I should take off.
- What?Copy !req
111. I gotta go to Susan's parents' house
for dinner.Copy !req
112. I wanna shower first,
and I wanna leave plenty of time.Copy !req
113. You got four hours.
What about the script?Copy !req
114. I think we got a bite on it.Copy !req
115. Doesn't George look like
your sister Sara?Copy !req
116. A slight resemblance.Copy !req
117. Her son's a podiatrist, you know.Copy !req
118. Oh, I have tremendous respect
for people who work with feet.Copy !req
119. I mean, to dedicate yourself
to the foot...Copy !req
120. You're toiling in virtual anonymity.
I mean...Copy !req
121. How are you enjoying those cigars
I gave you?Copy !req
122. Oh, the cigars.Copy !req
123. I'm sucking them down.Copy !req
124. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.Copy !req
125. You know, those cigars
are made special for Castro.Copy !req
126. I did not know that.Copy !req
127. Weird. Wild.Copy !req
128. - What?
- He's doing Johnny Carson, Daddy.Copy !req
129. I didn't care much for his jokes.Copy !req
130. - Daddy never laughs.
- Oh, well, so what?Copy !req
131. Laughter. What is that?Copy !req
132. I mean, what is the point
of opening your mouth and going:Copy !req
133. What is that?Copy !req
134. You know, you can't get
those cigars anywhere.Copy !req
135. You and your cigars.Copy !req
136. Wear some more lipstick.Copy !req
137. Daddy, there's- There's something
that we have to talk to you about.Copy !req
138. Oh, I forgot to ask you:
how'd you like the cabin?Copy !req
139. Oh, the- The cabin.Copy !req
140. Well...Copy !req
141. After we get off the phone
you tell her?Copy !req
142. Of course she knows it was me
who complained.Copy !req
143. Now I'm responsible
for this woman quitting.Copy !req
144. - Oh, this is unbelievable.
- I know.Copy !req
145. I screwed up. It's all my fault.Copy !req
146. - Would you call her?
- Oh, dial the number.Copy !req
147. How could you do this?Copy !req
148. I was just trying to help you.Copy !req
149. Trying to help me.Copy !req
150. Hello. Sandra.Copy !req
151. Hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
152. Listen, I wanted to tell you there's
been a terrible misunderstanding.Copy !req
153. See, I told Elaine...Copy !req
154. that it was a real treat
talking to you on the phone.Copy !req
155. And she thought I was being sarcastic
because I'm a comedian, and all.Copy !req
156. She thought, I think, "Yeah, it's a
real treat talking to her on the phone."Copy !req
157. But I was really being sincere.Copy !req
158. No, of course I like you.Copy !req
159. Tonight?Copy !req
160. Hold on a second.Copy !req
161. - She wants to have a drink with me.
- Just go. Go.Copy !req
162. - Oh, I don't-
- Go.Copy !req
163. Yeah, I think I can.Copy !req
164. Yeah, I know where that is.Copy !req
165. Okay. I'll see you there.
Okay, bye.Copy !req
166. Now I gotta have a drink with her.Copy !req
167. The cabin.Copy !req
168. Well...Copy !req
169. Susan?Copy !req
170. - About the cabin-
- I love that place.Copy !req
171. My father built that cabin in 1947.Copy !req
172. My mother was recuperating
from impetigo at the time...Copy !req
173. and Dad thought it would be a good
idea to get her out into the fresh air.Copy !req
174. She died there the following winter.Copy !req
175. And Dad passed away
10 years later to the day.Copy !req
176. His last words to me were:Copy !req
177. "Cherish the cabin."Copy !req
178. Not, "Take care of your sister."
She's a paraplegic.Copy !req
179. But, "Cherish the cabin."Copy !req
180. And I have, for 45 years.Copy !req
181. It's often been a sanctuary for me.Copy !req
182. Kind of like Superman's
Fortress of Solitude.Copy !req
183. What?Copy !req
184. Superman.Copy !req
185. He built a Fortress of Solitude
up at the North Pole...Copy !req
186. to, you know, sort of
get away from it all.Copy !req
187. When I go, I'm passing it on to her.Copy !req
188. Well, I'll take a hotel any day.Copy !req
189. - Daddy?
- Yes.Copy !req
190. Daddy, about the cabin.Copy !req
191. Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me.Copy !req
192. - What about it?
- Well, the thing is...Copy !req
193. - What? What is it?
- Well, the cabin is kind of...Copy !req
194. - George?
- Burned.Copy !req
195. - Burned?
- There was a fire, and it-Copy !req
196. Burned.Copy !req
197. - The cabin burned?
- Yeah, burned.Copy !req
198. Burned?Copy !req
199. Was anything found?Copy !req
200. Was it all burned to the ground?
Did they find anything?Copy !req
201. - No. Nothing.
- Nothing?Copy !req
202. But, you know, Mr. Ross,
if you look at the whole situation...Copy !req
203. what with it being your cigars
and everything...Copy !req
204. it's really rather ironic.Copy !req
205. One might even say,
in a sense, comical.Copy !req
206. Really. Think about it.Copy !req
207. - I can't believe you said that.
- What?Copy !req
208. How could you say
something like that to me?Copy !req
209. What? You were the one
who was talking dirty.Copy !req
210. I was just trying to keep up.Copy !req
211. - That was a weird thing to say.
- Why? It didn't mean anything.Copy !req
212. I was trying to join in
so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.Copy !req
213. - Oh, I think you're really sick.
- I'm not sick.Copy !req
214. You said much sicker things
than me.Copy !req
215. - I'm leaving.
- You're making too much of this.Copy !req
216. Excuse me.Copy !req
217. - Let me walk you to a cab.
- That's okay.Copy !req
218. The main thing is that this is
just between us.Copy !req
219. - And that'll be the end of it.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
220. I mean, people, they're not interested
in things like this.Copy !req
221. They don't wanna hear about it.
They really don't.Copy !req
222. So we're drinking and talking.Copy !req
223. And so she starts rubbing my leg.Copy !req
224. Wow, what did you do?Copy !req
225. Have you ever told a woman
to stop touching your leg?Copy !req
226. - Yeah. Right.
- I know it's the wrong thing to do.Copy !req
227. She works in Elaine's office.
But I can't get that hand off my leg.Copy !req
228. I'm looking at the hand thinking,
"That hand should not be on my leg."Copy !req
229. But I can't make my brain to get
my mouth to say the words:Copy !req
230. "Would you mind?"Copy !req
231. Yet women have no problem getting
the hand off. How do they do that?Copy !req
232. I don't know. They're working
on a whole other level.Copy !req
233. - All right, so go ahead.
- So then we go back to my apartment.Copy !req
234. So we're fooling around there.Copy !req
235. You know, it's getting
a little passionate.Copy !req
236. And she starts with the dirty talking.Copy !req
237. All right, all right. Hold on.Copy !req
238. Time out.Copy !req
239. - What did she say?
- You know. The usual.Copy !req
240. No, I don't know.
How do I know the usual?Copy !req
241. - Typical things.
- What's typical? Give me typical.Copy !req
242. She says...Copy !req
243. That's very dirty.Copy !req
244. That's absolutely filthy.Copy !req
245. And then she starts talking
about her panties.Copy !req
246. I'm gonna need some water here.Copy !req
247. So I said something.Copy !req
248. Okay, what did you say?Copy !req
249. Now, bear in mind,
I am just trying to keep up.Copy !req
250. - Of course.
- Okay.Copy !req
251. So she's talking about her panties.Copy !req
252. So...Copy !req
253. So I said:Copy !req
254. "You mean, the panties your mother
laid out for you."Copy !req
255. "The panties your mother
laid out for you"?Copy !req
256. - What does that mean?
- I don't know.Copy !req
257. It just popped out.Copy !req
258. - Well, how did she react?
- She flipped out. Just left.Copy !req
259. Well, that's not offensive.Copy !req
260. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.Copy !req
261. Look, the main thing is I don't want
Elaine to know about any of this.Copy !req
262. I mean, especially the pantie remark.Copy !req
263. I mean, it's embarrassing.
She'd never let me hear the end of it.Copy !req
264. What if this girl says something?Copy !req
265. She will. She's going back to work.Copy !req
266. I talked her into it.
How stupid was that.Copy !req
267. So Susan's father took that news
pretty hard, huh?Copy !req
268. Yeah. He went into the bedroom
and started sobbing.Copy !req
269. - Guess he didn't see the humour in it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
270. - Let's go. We got a lot of work to do.
- All right.Copy !req
271. - Big workday.
- That's right.Copy !req
272. - Okay.
- Let's go.Copy !req
273. - Right now.
- Let's do it.Copy !req
274. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
275. - What do you got?
- I got, you enter, you go, "Hi."Copy !req
276. And I go, "Hello."Copy !req
277. Now, we need something here.Copy !req
278. - Oh, hey.
- Kramer! Hey!Copy !req
279. - Buddy!
- You guys are working. I'll come back.Copy !req
280. - No, no! Come on.
- No, no!Copy !req
281. No, you guys should
get back to work.Copy !req
282. - Don't leave. We're taking a break.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
283. George, did you talk to that guy
about getting more cigars?Copy !req
284. I told you. I'm not gonna do that.Copy !req
285. Okay. Well...Copy !req
286. I guess I'm just gonna have to
take matters into my own hands, huh?Copy !req
287. All right. I'll see you guys.Copy !req
288. Where are you going?
Don't run off like that.Copy !req
289. Okay...Copy !req
290. - I need to talk to someone.
- Well, what is this about?Copy !req
291. Well, it's a very private matter,
but extremely urgent.Copy !req
292. - Are you an American?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
293. I see.Copy !req
294. - Excuse me.
- Okay.Copy !req
295. - Okay, let's get going.
- Let's get focused here.Copy !req
296. Come on, now.
Come on, let's get it together.Copy !req
297. - Yeah?
- It's Elaine.Copy !req
298. Come on up.Copy !req
299. All right, you know what
we should do?Copy !req
300. We should go to the movies.Copy !req
301. - Get away from the script for a while.
- We should.Copy !req
302. I just have to go over to the Rosses'
and drop off Susan's sunglasses.Copy !req
303. - Come with me?
- Yeah. Does she live with them?Copy !req
304. No, no.Copy !req
305. - Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld.
- What?Copy !req
306. I just got a message from Sandra.
She's coming back to work.Copy !req
307. Well, then you've just gotta fire her.Copy !req
308. Don't even think about it.
There's no two ways about it.Copy !req
309. - Why, what happened? Did you talk?
- Talk? Did I talk? I-Copy !req
310. You're darn right I talked to her.
We talked up a storm.Copy !req
311. I've concluded,
from the basis of those talks...Copy !req
312. that this isn't anybody
you should be talking to.Copy !req
313. - You really think I should fire her?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
314. In fact, if George and I weren't
so busy working, I'd do it myself.Copy !req
315. What is your name, señor?Copy !req
316. Kramer.Copy !req
317. So Señor Kramer,
what is this about?Copy !req
318. - Cigars.
- Cigars?Copy !req
319. - Cigars.
- What about cigars?Copy !req
320. See, here, I-Copy !req
321. I saved one of the cigar rings.Copy !req
322. - You mean, one of these.
- Yeah, yeah. That's them.Copy !req
323. Okay, so I'd like to buy
a couple of boxes of those from you.Copy !req
324. You realize, of course,
these are illegal in your country.Copy !req
325. Well, illegal, huh?Copy !req
326. I like that jacket.Copy !req
327. - Hi!
- Hi. How are you?Copy !req
328. - Hey, Jerry.
- Hi.Copy !req
329. I thought you guys were
working today.Copy !req
330. - Just taking a little break.
- Yeah.Copy !req
331. - Oh, here's your sunglasses.
- Oh, thanks. Come on in for a second.Copy !req
332. This is my brother Ricky. He's home
from college for the weekend.Copy !req
333. Hey, there, young fella.Copy !req
334. - What's your major?
- I don't have one.Copy !req
335. Well, you should always
consider podiatry.Copy !req
336. Nothing wrong with the feet.Copy !req
337. And this is my aunt, Sara.Copy !req
338. He doesn't look like me.Copy !req
339. Sara, what do you have
on your wheels?Copy !req
340. Nothing. They're clean.Copy !req
341. Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?Copy !req
342. - Yes.
- Well, they're filthy.Copy !req
343. It's just a matter
of common courtesy.Copy !req
344. You come in the house,
you wipe your wheels.Copy !req
345. Excuse me.Copy !req
346. Hello, Raymond.Copy !req
347. The man from the insurance company
dropped this off.Copy !req
348. Said it was the only thing left
from the remains of the fire.Copy !req
349. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
350. Wow, I've never seen this before.Copy !req
351. Oh, they're letters.Copy !req
352. - Here.
- Oh, sure.Copy !req
353. From- From John Cheever!Copy !req
354. "Dear Henry...Copy !req
355. last night with you was bliss.Copy !req
356. I fear my...Copy !req
357. orgasm has left me a cripple.Copy !req
358. I don't know how I shall ever
get back to work.Copy !req
359. I love you madly, John.Copy !req
360. P.S. Loved the cabin."Copy !req
361. - Well, we really should be...
- Yeah, look at the time.Copy !req
362. heading out.
You know, it's a time...Copy !req
363. The box!Copy !req
364. My letters! Give me that!Copy !req
365. Who told you to open it?Copy !req
366. Who's John? Who's John?Copy !req
367. - I knew it.
- I wanna know who John is!Copy !req
368. John Cheever? Dad!
You and John Cheever?Copy !req
369. Yes. Yes, he was the most
wonderful person I've ever known.Copy !req
370. And I loved him deeply.Copy !req
371. In a way you could
never understand.Copy !req
372. Well, we really should be
heading out.Copy !req
373. Jerry hates to miss
the coming attractions.Copy !req
374. - Yeah, and because of the time.
- Yeah.Copy !req
375. Time is what he's indicating there.Copy !req
376. Anyway, onward and upward.Copy !req
377. - Here we go.
- Let's go.Copy !req
378. - Come on, now.
- Right now.Copy !req
379. - You and me. No fooling.
- You got it.Copy !req
380. - All right, what do you got?
- I got, you come in, you say, "Hi."Copy !req
381. And then I say, "Hello."Copy !req
382. - All right. So we need something.
- Yeah.Copy !req
383. How about this:
I say, "How's it going?"Copy !req
384. "How's it going?"Beautiful.Copy !req
385. - Come on. We were just on a roll now.
- All right.Copy !req
386. - Did you get that line?
- "How's it going?"Copy !req
387. - Did you write it down?
- I'm writing it."How's it going?"Copy !req
388. - Real good!
- What?Copy !req
389. You know how much money
you cost me today? $429.Copy !req
390. - What? How?
- I got Sandra transferred...Copy !req
391. to another office upstairs, okay.Copy !req
392. So she blabs to Lippman about
my long-distance calls to Europe!Copy !req
393. - What calls?
- I made a friend when I was in Europe.Copy !req
394. And we've been in touch,
and Sandra told Lippman!Copy !req
395. Did she say anything else to you?Copy !req
396. Anything else? What do you mean,
"anything else"?Copy !req
397. So she just left the office...Copy !req
398. didn't say a word to you
about anything?Copy !req
399. - Yeah.
- Beautiful.Copy !req
400. Why is that beautiful?Copy !req
401. Oh, no. Not beautiful.Copy !req
402. It's $429!Copy !req
403. Hey, look, I'm gonna pay for that.Copy !req
404. - No, no.
- No, I insist.Copy !req
405. I was the one that encouraged you
to fire her.Copy !req
406. - The whole thing was all my-
- Okay.Copy !req
407. Fault.Copy !req
408. Do you smell smoke?Copy !req
409. Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you
to meet my new friends here.Copy !req
410. This is Luis, Jorge and Umberto.Copy !req
411. - Hey.
- How you doing? Nice to meet you.Copy !req
412. Yeah, we're heading up
to Westchester. Gonna hit the links.Copy !req
413. - Yeah.
- Hey, isn't that your...?Copy !req
414. Oh, yeah. Okay. We're going.
All right.Copy !req
415. Hey, what are you reading?Copy !req
416. The Falconer, by John Cheever.
It's really excellent.Copy !req
417. John Cheever. You ever read
any of his stuff?Copy !req
418. Yeah, I'm familiar with
some of his writing. You know.Copy !req
419. Look, we gotta get back to work.
We just had a big breakthrough.Copy !req
420. - Okay. I'll leave you two alone.
- Okay.Copy !req
421. Maybe I'll visit my mother.Copy !req
422. She just bought me some new panties,
and they're all laid out for me.Copy !req
423. There's this whole
talking-during-sex business.Copy !req
424. I mean, what are we doing here?Copy !req
425. The question is...Copy !req
426. does the talking really
improve the sex?Copy !req
427. Or is the sex act now...Copy !req
428. just there to spice up
the conversation?Copy !req
429. Eventually, I'm sure people will get
too lazy even for phone sex.Copy !req
430. They'll start having
phone machine sex.Copy !req
431. "Yeah, I want you really bad.
Just leave it on the tape."Copy !req
432. Then, I guess, the phone company
will come out with sex-waiting.Copy !req
433. That'll be the new thing.Copy !req
434. "Yeah, hold on, honey.
I got another call.Copy !req
435. Oh, hi, baby. One second.Copy !req
436. Honey, I've gotta take this.Copy !req
437. Yeah, I've got sex-waiting
on the other line...Copy !req
438. and I've got to take this."Copy !req