1. My parents had two arguments
while driving...Copy !req
2. over either how fast
my father was going...Copy !req
3. or how much gas
was left in the tank.Copy !req
4. My father had a standard defence
for either one of these.Copy !req
5. It was always, "That's because
you're looking at it from an angle.Copy !req
6. If you were over here-
It looks from where you're sitting...Copy !req
7. it looks like
I'm doing 90 on empty.Copy !req
8. But that's because
you're over there.Copy !req
9. If you were over here, you'd know
I'm in the driveway with a full tank."Copy !req
10. George and I went up to NBC and
told them the idea for the series.Copy !req
11. - We're waiting to sign the contract.
- They liked the idea?Copy !req
12. - Yeah.
- What, you got leather seats here?Copy !req
13. - Since when is George a writer?
- What writer? It's a sitcom.Copy !req
14. This is exciting. When are
you gonna sign the contract?Copy !req
15. Soon. There's a few problems.Copy !req
16. I wanna tell you,
that meal was the worst.Copy !req
17. What do you expect?
It's airline food.Copy !req
18. They give you that fish.Copy !req
19. How could you
eat fish on a plane?Copy !req
20. She puts up a stink every time
I have a piece of meat.Copy !req
21. What kind of problems?Copy !req
22. Well, George doesn't think
$13,000 is enough money.Copy !req
23. What? He's not even working.Copy !req
24. George is right. Those people
will try to get away with murder.Copy !req
25. Believe me, they're all crooks.Copy !req
26. - Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
- We're gonna sign it.Copy !req
27. George is out with the woman
from NBC right now.Copy !req
28. So I'm afraid we're gonna
have to pass.Copy !req
29. - You're passing?
- Well, it's much too low.Copy !req
30. Are you and Jerry
in agreement on this?Copy !req
31. Yeah, we've talked. I believe I can
speak for the both of us on this.Copy !req
32. You know, because this is your
first show, it's a pretty standard deal.Copy !req
33. - Standard?
- Yeah.Copy !req
34. Is Ted Danson's deal standard?Copy !req
35. - Ted Danson?
- You know, the guy from Cheers.Copy !req
36. Yeah, I know who he is.Copy !req
37. You're not Ted Danson.Copy !req
38. I didn't say I was Ted Danson.Copy !req
39. - All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
- You tell Russell.Copy !req
40. Oh, before I forget.Copy !req
41. Cuban cigars.
It's a present from my father.Copy !req
42. Do I have to write him
a note or something?Copy !req
43. - I'm sure he'd appreciate that.
- What would I say in it?Copy !req
44. You're a writer.
You'll think of something.Copy !req
45. Oh, yeah. I'm a writer. I forgot.Copy !req
46. Were you waiting
long at the gate?Copy !req
47. I don't even know.Copy !req
48. Where's that watch we bought you?Copy !req
49. Oh...Copy !req
50. That's it for this piece of junk.
I've had it.Copy !req
51. - Is it the one your parents gave you?
- It never works.Copy !req
52. It's being fixed.Copy !req
53. I got a guarantee on that watch.
Give it to me. I'll take it back.Copy !req
54. - It's at the jeweller.
- Send me the bill.Copy !req
55. I'm not sending it.Copy !req
56. That watch was a gift.
You shouldn't have to pay for it.Copy !req
57. - That's $18.50.
- Here, I got it.Copy !req
58. What are you talking about?
It's my car. Let me pay.Copy !req
59. - No, no, put it away.
- Dad.Copy !req
60. - Stop it.
- I have money. I make money.Copy !req
61. - Yeah, yeah, you make money.
- You don't think I make money.Copy !req
62. - I don't think that.
- Yes. That's what you both think.Copy !req
63. - I'm paying.
- Dad, I'm paying.Copy !req
64. - Get out.
- You're not paying.Copy !req
65. - Jerry, do not do this.
- No, no.Copy !req
66. Over my dead body, Jerry.
I'm telling you right now...Copy !req
67. you're not gonna do it.Copy !req
68. Boy, you got a lot of stuff here.Copy !req
69. - Dad, what are you doing?
- Nothing, nothing.Copy !req
70. Leave it. What about your back?Copy !req
71. - Morty, what are you doing?
- All right, all right.Copy !req
72. You come here
to see a back specialist...Copy !req
73. and you're lifting heavy suitcases.Copy !req
74. Hey, Morty.Copy !req
75. Hey, Mr. Kramer.Copy !req
76. - Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld.
- Kramer, hi.Copy !req
77. What happened to you?Copy !req
78. Oh, some guy kicked me
in the side of the head.Copy !req
79. - What guy?
- Crazy Joe Davola.Copy !req
80. - Why?
- Well, I was having this party...Copy !req
81. and I didn't invite him,
and then Jerry tipped him off.Copy !req
82. Why did you tell this guy that
Kramer didn't invite him to his party?Copy !req
83. I didn't know he wasn't invited.Copy !req
84. Hey, these are very
comfortable pants.Copy !req
85. You know what I paid for these,
Jerry?Copy !req
86. - So why did you say anything?
- It was a mistake.Copy !req
87. They're good around the house,
and they're good for outside.Copy !req
88. - Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
89. I was little off last week, huh, Jerry?Copy !req
90. But the doctor says
it's just a slight concussion.Copy !req
91. What's the matter
with this Davola guy?Copy !req
92. He's got, like, a chemical imbalance.Copy !req
93. - He needs to be on medication.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
94. He's after Jerry now.Copy !req
95. - Kramer.
- He's what?Copy !req
96. - He's joking.
- He's after you?Copy !req
97. - No.
- Why's he after you?Copy !req
98. He's not after me.Copy !req
99. Morty, do you hear this?
Some crazy guy is after Jerry.Copy !req
100. - I'll make a few phone calls.
- Who you gonna call?Copy !req
101. What are you worried about?Copy !req
102. I wanna know what
you did to this guy.Copy !req
103. - I didn't do anything.
- You must've done something.Copy !req
104. No, he just doesn't like me.Copy !req
105. Doesn't like you?
How could anyone not like you?Copy !req
106. - I know, it seems impossible.
- Doesn't-Copy !req
107. Doesn't like you?
How could that be?Copy !req
108. Ma, this may be hard
for you to understand...Copy !req
109. but I'm sure there are many people
who do not like me.Copy !req
110. Jerry, don't say that.Copy !req
111. - It's true.
- No, it isn't.Copy !req
112. It's not true. You're a wonderful,
wonderful boy.Copy !req
113. Everybody likes you.
It's impossible not to like you.Copy !req
114. Morty?Copy !req
115. Maybe some people don't like him.
I can see that.Copy !req
116. - Kramer?
- Yeah, I like him.Copy !req
117. Hey, Jerry, what time you got?Copy !req
118. I haven't got my watch on.
It's being fixed.Copy !req
119. When are you getting it back?Copy !req
120. - Next week.
- Next week?Copy !req
121. How come it's taking so long?Copy !req
122. I said, how come it's taking so long?Copy !req
123. I don't know. They're backed up.Copy !req
124. Wait a minute.
Where did you take it?Copy !req
125. - Where did I take it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
126. Where did I take it?Copy !req
127. To that place on Columbus...Copy !req
128. and 85th, okay?Copy !req
129. What, Jimmy Sherman?Copy !req
130. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I know the guy.Copy !req
131. I take my stuff in there.Copy !req
132. I can get your watch back
by tomorrow morning.Copy !req
133. No, I don't want you
to say anything to him.Copy !req
134. I'd be happy to.
He's a friend of mine.Copy !req
135. I'd like to follow
the regular procedures.Copy !req
136. I don't want any special treatment.Copy !req
137. Hey, I'm gonna get that watch back
for you by tomorrow, buddy.Copy !req
138. - Bring me the receipt.
- I'll get that too.Copy !req
139. Be right back.Copy !req
140. Look, there's no watch. I threw it
in the garbage can on the street.Copy !req
141. My parents gave it to me,
but I didn't like it.Copy !req
142. So don't mention it again, okay?Copy !req
143. - Yeah, all right.
- All right.Copy !req
144. Wait, wait-Copy !req
145. Well, no-Copy !req
146. What was that about?Copy !req
147. Oh, no...Copy !req
148. he's got my calamine lotion.Copy !req
149. I told him not to return it.
If he needs it, he should keep it.Copy !req
150. He's got a thing on his ankle.Copy !req
151. How could anyone not like him?Copy !req
152. Hi. Morty Seinfeld.
I have a 2:00 appointment.Copy !req
153. Yes, Mr. Seinfeld.
Would you please fill this out?Copy !req
154. All this? This whole thing?Copy !req
155. It's gonna take me 45 minutes.Copy !req
156. I know, it's very long.Copy !req
157. Look at this. It's a book.Copy !req
158. "Employer's address."
Why do they need this?Copy !req
159. I never had a back problem...Copy !req
160. until that night I slept
on the convertible sofa.Copy !req
161. - My back was fine.
- Oh, it's not the sofa.Copy !req
162. You stick up for that sofa
like I'm criticizing a person.Copy !req
163. We got it from Sullivan's.
It's a good store.Copy !req
164. Well, one day somebody's gonna
sleep on that thing, and we'll get sued.Copy !req
165. I hope this doctor
knows what he's doing.Copy !req
166. Leo says he's the best there is.Copy !req
167. Leo.Copy !req
168. I'm listening to Leo now.Copy !req
169. You're lucky he got you this.
You know what the waiting list is?Copy !req
170. Well, if he fixes my back,
I'll be happy.Copy !req
171. Have you ever had
a sexually transmitted disease?Copy !req
172. That's it.Copy !req
173. Here, you got my name, you
got my address. That's enough.Copy !req
174. Julie, you wanna take him back?Copy !req
175. You what? You passed?Copy !req
176. How could you do that?Copy !req
177. Jerry, my young friend...Copy !req
178. you're so naive.
You are so, so naive.Copy !req
179. You know about a few things.Copy !req
180. You know about comedy...Copy !req
181. a little bit about relationships,
some baseball...Copy !req
182. but you're so far out of your element
here, you're embarrassing yourself.Copy !req
183. Now, listen to me. I'm negotiating.Copy !req
184. Negotiation.
This is what you do in business.Copy !req
185. Let me explain to you
what you just did.Copy !req
186. There are literally hundreds of people
trying to get pilot deals with them.Copy !req
187. They go with maybe five, okay?
If we pass, that's it.Copy !req
188. They go to the next show.Copy !req
189. I'm scared.Copy !req
190. Oh, they're not gonna do the show.Copy !req
191. We're lucky they're even interested
in the idea in the first place.Copy !req
192. We got a show about nothing.Copy !req
193. With no story.Copy !req
194. Do you think they're going, "Maybe
we should give those two guys...Copy !req
195. who have no experience
and no idea, more money"?Copy !req
196. Oh, what are we gonna do?
I'm shaking. I'm shaking.Copy !req
197. - I think you're wrong.
- We'll just see.Copy !req
198. - Yes, we will.
- Yes, we will.Copy !req
199. - I just said that.
- I know.Copy !req
200. - Good for you.
- Good for you.Copy !req
201. - You repeating everything?
- You repeating everything?Copy !req
202. - Well, George is an idiot.
- Well, George-Copy !req
203. All right.Copy !req
204. All right. Let's go already!Copy !req
205. They keep you in here a year.
They don't give a damn.Copy !req
206. I could die in here.Copy !req
207. Excuse me. Excuse me!
What's going on?Copy !req
208. I'm in here 20 minutes.
Can somebody please help me?Copy !req
209. - Quiet. Everyone can hear you.
- I've been waiting 20 minutes.Copy !req
210. Well, the doctor must be busy.Copy !req
211. Well, why do they make appointments
for if they can't keep them?Copy !req
212. Look, if I did that in my business,
I wouldn't have made a nickel.Copy !req
213. Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.Copy !req
214. - I thought you forgot about me.
- We didn't forget.Copy !req
215. - What's wrong?
- The Velcro.Copy !req
216. I can't stand Velcro.
That tearing sound.Copy !req
217. I used to be in raincoats. I refused
to put that in any of my lines.Copy !req
218. Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come
this way. We need some x-rays.Copy !req
219. - Leave all my stuff here?
- Leave it.Copy !req
220. Oh, hey, by the way...Copy !req
221. do you want a box
of Cuban cigars?Copy !req
222. I smoked one last night.
I got nauseous.Copy !req
223. No, I don't want them.Copy !req
224. I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?Copy !req
225. - Here you go.
- What, cigars?Copy !req
226. - Yeah, Cubans.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
227. Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked.
You can't buy them anywhere.Copy !req
228. Castro, huh?Copy !req
229. - Yeah?
- Federal Express.Copy !req
230. Federal Express? Come on up.Copy !req
231. Federal Express?
I'm not expecting a package.Copy !req
232. You know what you just did?
You let a burglar in the building.Copy !req
233. - You think so?
- Federal Express? Of course.Copy !req
234. That's the oldest trick in the book.Copy !req
235. It might not be a burglar.
It could be a murderer.Copy !req
236. So you wanna just abolish
all home-package delivery?Copy !req
237. Yes, it's dangerous.Copy !req
238. Wait.Copy !req
239. - Who is it?
- Federal Express.Copy !req
240. Okay.Copy !req
241. Hi, Kramer.Copy !req
242. Oh, God.
I thought you were in California.Copy !req
243. - Well, I came back for you.
- Oh, shut up.Copy !req
244. - I missed you.
- Really?Copy !req
245. - You really missed me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
246. Me too, miss. I miss.Copy !req
247. Yeah, big missing
going on around here.Copy !req
248. Hey, I'm gonna get a match.Copy !req
249. Oh, God. Whose suitcase is this?Copy !req
250. My parents'. My father came up
to see a back specialist.Copy !req
251. Oh, God. It's probably
from sleeping on that sofa.Copy !req
252. - Boy, you look really great.
- Yeah.Copy !req
253. - You lie.
- No, no, you really look great.Copy !req
254. So tell us about the trip.
How's Dr. Reston?Copy !req
255. Oh, he's fine.Copy !req
256. - Things are good?
- Yeah, you know.Copy !req
257. - What?
- Did you see that?Copy !req
258. Yeah, I saw it.Copy !req
259. - What?
- It's a tell. You got a tell.Copy !req
260. What tell? What's a tell?Copy !req
261. When you ask about their relationship
and they touch their face...Copy !req
262. you know it's not going too well.Copy !req
263. Go ahead. Ask me
how it's going with somebody.Copy !req
264. - How's it going with Alice?
- Good, going good.Copy !req
265. The higher up on the face you go,
the worse the relationship is getting.Copy !req
266. You know, it's like: Pretty good.
Not bad. I gotta get out.Copy !req
267. - How high did I go?
- You almost did the nose.Copy !req
268. Are you eating my peanut butter out
of the jar with your disgusting fingers?Copy !req
269. This is a sickening display.Copy !req
270. What, I'm not eating bread now.
I'm off bread.Copy !req
271. You're off bread.Copy !req
272. - So, what happened? Is it over?
- No, not quite.Copy !req
273. - Why not?
- He was my psychiatrist, you know.Copy !req
274. I mean, he knows all my patterns.Copy !req
275. He knows in relationships
I always find some reason to leave.Copy !req
276. So he says, as my doctor,
he can't allow me do this...Copy !req
277. so he's not letting me leave.Copy !req
278. - What do you mean, not letting you?
- He has this power over me, okay?Copy !req
279. He has this way of manipulating
every little word that I say.Copy !req
280. He's like a Svenjolly.Copy !req
281. Svengali.Copy !req
282. - What did I say?
- Svenjolly.Copy !req
283. Svenjolly? I did not say, Svenjolly.Copy !req
284. - George?
- Svenjolly.Copy !req
285. I don't see how
I could've said, Svenjolly.Copy !req
286. Maybe he's got, like,
a cheerful mental hold on you.Copy !req
287. - I can't find a match anywhere.
- You know what you should do?Copy !req
288. Tell this guy you're seeing somebody
else. That's the easiest way.Copy !req
289. It's not gonna work with this guy.Copy !req
290. You just tell him an old boyfriend's
come back into your life.Copy !req
291. I don't think so.Copy !req
292. - Nice try.
- Took a shot.Copy !req
293. This is a good cigar.Copy !req
294. So when do I get to see the doctor?Copy !req
295. He'll be in with the x-rays
in a few minutes.Copy !req
296. You can get dressed.Copy !req
297. He stole my wallet.
The bum stole my wallet.Copy !req
298. My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!Copy !req
299. I had my wallet in my back pocket.
It's gone.Copy !req
300. - Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.Copy !req
301. I get my x-rays. Somebody takes
my wallet. Is that the operation?Copy !req
302. Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow.
I've been going over your x-rays.Copy !req
303. I'm not interested in the x-rays.
I want my money back.Copy !req
304. Somebody stole my wallet.
I had $225 in there.Copy !req
305. - I don't see how that happened.
- Oh, you don't see.Copy !req
306. You don't see.
Well, it happened. Believe me.Copy !req
307. - What's going on?
- They stole my wallet.Copy !req
308. - What?
- Yeah, while I was in getting x-rayed.Copy !req
309. Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry
about your wallet.Copy !req
310. Would you like me
to look over the x-rays?Copy !req
311. - What kind of joint you running here?
- All right.Copy !req
312. Fine.Copy !req
313. At least you could've
heard your diagnosis.Copy !req
314. I'm not interested in his diagnosis.
He's a bum.Copy !req
315. You came from Florida to see him.Copy !req
316. I wanna know what kind of office this
is where you can't leave your pants.Copy !req
317. You tell me.Copy !req
318. I'm sorry,
but there's somebody else.Copy !req
319. Well, it's nothing I planned
on happening, you know.Copy !req
320. It just kind of happened.Copy !req
321. - Tell me about him.
- Well, there's not really much to tell.Copy !req
322. You know, he's just a guy, really.Copy !req
323. - Yes, well, I assume he's a guy.
- Right.Copy !req
324. And you've known him how long?Copy !req
325. Years. Many years.Copy !req
326. We've been close friends, and then
recently, something just, you know...Copy !req
327. happened.Copy !req
328. - You mean sexually?
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
329. Sexually.Copy !req
330. I think your...Copy !req
331. Excuse me. Yes?Copy !req
332. Oh, yes, Bobo.Copy !req
333. No, it's just east of Madison.Copy !req
334. Around 4 will be fine.
All right, Bobo, see you then.Copy !req
335. I'm sorry. Where were we?Copy !req
336. Well, I was just telling you
about this other guy.Copy !req
337. Elaine, do you remember
your dream...Copy !req
338. where you had a sexual
encounter with a Chinese woman?Copy !req
339. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
340. Elaine, I'm concerned about you.Copy !req
341. Oh, no. Don't concern yourself
with me, because I'm good.Copy !req
342. I'm very good. I mean,
I'm really very, very good.Copy !req
343. Elaine...Copy !req
344. have you been urinating
a lot again?Copy !req
345. No.Copy !req
346. And how often
have you been seeing...Copy !req
347. I'm sorry. What is his name?Copy !req
348. - His name?
- Yes, his name.Copy !req
349. - Well, what's the difference?
- Are you afraid to tell me his name?Copy !req
350. No, I just don't really see
how that's relevant.Copy !req
351. It doesn't matter if you
don't see how. I see how.Copy !req
352. His name.Copy !req
353. I don't even know.
You wanna know his name?Copy !req
354. I'll tell you his name. His name is...Copy !req
355. Kramer.Copy !req
356. Kramer.Copy !req
357. Is that his first name
or his last name?Copy !req
358. You know, I'm really uncomfortable
talking about this.Copy !req
359. - Elaine, I want you to do me a favour.
- What?Copy !req
360. I want you to tell this young man
to give me a call.Copy !req
361. - It's very important that I speak to him.
- Oh, no, no, I can't do that.Copy !req
362. - You can do it, and you will do it.
- No, I can't.Copy !req
363. You can, and you will.Copy !req
364. Okay. Okay, yeah, I'll have Kramer
give you a call.Copy !req
365. So you didn't even let
the doctor treat you?Copy !req
366. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.Copy !req
367. Why did you leave
your wallet in your pants?Copy !req
368. What are you talking about?
What, was I supposed to hide it?Copy !req
369. - You could've taken it with you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
370. I'll be lying on an x-ray table
with my wallet in my mouth.Copy !req
371. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
372. Hi, Uncle Leo.Copy !req
373. I just spoke to Dr. Dembrow's son.Copy !req
374. He said they almost
had to call the police.Copy !req
375. What? I'm the one who should've
called the police. They stole my wallet.Copy !req
376. You know how hard it was for me
to get that appointment for you?Copy !req
377. You can't just walk in on this guy.
He did me a personal favour.Copy !req
378. - All right, Leo.
- And you walked out without paying.Copy !req
379. How was I supposed to pay?
I didn't have my wallet.Copy !req
380. Well, I hope you send him a check.Copy !req
381. - What for?
- What for?Copy !req
382. This man was nice enough
to see you.Copy !req
383. He did me a personal favour.Copy !req
384. That's the second time you said
personal favour. Why do you say that?Copy !req
385. - I said it once.
- Twice.Copy !req
386. And Dembrow
doesn't even know you.Copy !req
387. His son happens
to live on your floor.Copy !req
388. Leo, where did you get that watch?Copy !req
389. You know where I got this?Copy !req
390. I found it in the garbage can.Copy !req
391. It kept terrible time.Copy !req
392. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman
right here on 85th and Columbus.Copy !req
393. Gave it to me back the next day,
works great.Copy !req
394. What kind of an idiot throws away
a perfectly good watch?Copy !req
395. Doesn't that watch look like
the one we gave Jerry?Copy !req
396. Hey, where's the waiter?
Dad, let's have some red meat.Copy !req
397. - Let's live a little.
- Let me see that.Copy !req
398. Could we continue this
another time?Copy !req
399. Don't you hate
"to be continueds'on TV?Copy !req
400. It's horrible when you sense the
"to be continued'coming, you know.Copy !req
401. You're watching the show.
You're into the story.Copy !req
402. There's five minutes left,
and you realize:Copy !req
403. "Hey, they can't make it.
Timmy's still stuck in the cave.Copy !req
404. There's no way they wrap this up
in five minutes."Copy !req
405. I mean, the whole reason you watch
a TV show is because it ends.Copy !req
406. If I wanted a long boring story
with no point to it, I have my life.Copy !req
407. A comedian can't do that, see? I can't
go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig.Copy !req
408. Can you come back next week?"Copy !req