1. Parents like to drag kids
to historical sights.Copy !req
2. I remember going to
Colonial Williamsburg...Copy !req
3. and you see the supposedly
authentic blacksmith there.Copy !req
4. He's got the three-cornered hat,
knickers...Copy !req
5. and the Def Leppard shirt.Copy !req
6. My parents took me to the
Amish country, which to a kid...Copy !req
7. to see a bunch of people that have
no cars, no TV, no phone...Copy !req
8. they go, "So what? Neither do I."Copy !req
9. So it's the whole community
that's been grounded.Copy !req
10. That's the way they should
punish the kids.Copy !req
11. "All right, get up to your room.
I've had it.Copy !req
12. You are Amish, young man.Copy !req
13. For the rest of this weekend.
Did you hear me? Amish.Copy !req
14. Don't come down till you make
some noodles and raise a barn."Copy !req
15. They have a guide. He takes you...Copy !req
16. shows you the battlefield,
gives you a bit of the history.Copy !req
17. How far is Gettysburg?
I'd like to go.Copy !req
18. - About three hours.
- Tommy, you're on.Copy !req
19. - Gotta go.
- Have a good set.Copy !req
20. What did they do for toilet paper
in the Civil War?Copy !req
21. Wonder what toilet paper
was like in the 1860s.Copy !req
22. Did they-? Did they carry it
in rolls in their duffel bags?Copy !req
23. Everything with you comes down
to toilet paper.Copy !req
24. - What?
- That's always...Copy !req
25. the first question with you.
Why is that always your focus?Copy !req
26. - Then what did they do?
- I don't know.Copy !req
27. Maybe they gave out big loose
clumps to all the soldiers.Copy !req
28. It would be nice if there was some
sort of historical record of it.Copy !req
29. They should have a toilet-paper
museum. Would you like that?Copy !req
30. So we could see all the toilet-paper
advancements through the ages.Copy !req
31. Toilet paper during the Crusades.Copy !req
32. The development of the perforation.
The first six-pack.Copy !req
33. Excuse me, Jerry.Copy !req
34. I'm Stu Schirmack. I'm from NBC.Copy !req
35. - Could we speak for a few moments?
- Sure.Copy !req
36. - Hi. Jay Crespi.
- Hello.Copy !req
37. - C-R-E-S-P-I.
- That's right.Copy !req
38. I'm unbelievable
at spelling last names.Copy !req
39. - Give give me a last name.
- I'm not-Copy !req
40. George.Copy !req
41. All right. All right.Copy !req
42. First of all...Copy !req
43. that was a terrific show.Copy !req
44. - Thank you very much.
- And-Copy !req
45. I just wanted to let you know
that we've been discussing you...Copy !req
46. at some of our meetings, and we'd be
very interested in doing something.Copy !req
47. - Really?
- So if you had an idea for, like...Copy !req
48. a TV show for yourself,
well, we'd just love to talk about it.Copy !req
49. I'd be very interested in that.Copy !req
50. Well, here.Copy !req
51. Why don't you give us a call,
and maybe we can develop a series.Copy !req
52. Okay. Great. Thanks.Copy !req
53. - It was very nice meeting you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
54. - Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.Copy !req
55. - What was that all about?
- They said they were interested in me.Copy !req
56. - For what?
- You know, TV show.Copy !req
57. - Your own show?
- Yeah, I guess so.Copy !req
58. They want you to do a TV show?Copy !req
59. They want me to come up with an
idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.Copy !req
60. Come on. How hard is that?
Look at all the junk that's on TV.Copy !req
61. You want an idea? Here's an idea.Copy !req
62. You coach a gymnastics team
in high school, and you're married.Copy !req
63. Your son is not interested in
gymnastics, and you're pushing him.Copy !req
64. Why should I care if
my son's into gymnastics?Copy !req
65. - You're the teacher. It's only natural.
- But gymnastics is not for everybody.Copy !req
66. - I know, but he's your son.
- So what?Copy !req
67. All right, forget that idea.Copy !req
68. It's not for you.Copy !req
69. Okay, okay. I got it.Copy !req
70. You run an antique store.Copy !req
71. - Yeah. And?
- And people come into the store...Copy !req
72. and you get involved in their lives.Copy !req
73. What person who runs an antique
store gets involved in people's lives?Copy !req
74. - Why not?
- So someone comes in...Copy !req
75. to buy an old lamp, and suddenly
I'm getting them out of a jam.Copy !req
76. I could see if I was a pharmacist.Copy !req
77. A pharmacist knows
what's wrong with everybody.Copy !req
78. Antiques are very popular right now.Copy !req
79. - No, they're not. They used to be.
- Oh, sure.Copy !req
80. - Like you know.
- Oh, like you do.Copy !req
81. And you're the manager
of the circus.Copy !req
82. - The circus?
- Oh, come on. This is a great idea.Copy !req
83. Look at the characters. You got
all these freaks in the show.Copy !req
84. A woman with a moustache.Copy !req
85. Who wouldn't tune in to see
a woman with a moustache?Copy !req
86. You got the tallest man in the world.
A guy who's just a head.Copy !req
87. - I don't think so.
- Look...Copy !req
88. the show isn't about the circus.
It's about watching freaks.Copy !req
89. I don't think the network
would go for it.Copy !req
90. - Why not?
- I'm not pitching a show about freaks.Copy !req
91. Oh, come on, Jerry. You're wrong.
People, they wanna watch freaks.Copy !req
92. This is a "can't miss."Copy !req
93. - Kramer.
- Hello, Newman.Copy !req
94. I got the helmet.
Go get the radar detector.Copy !req
95. Okay. I'll be back in a second.
You guys coming to my party?Copy !req
96. - Yeah. Sure.
- Of course.Copy !req
97. - What's this about?
- We're making a trade.Copy !req
98. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet.
He's giving me his radar detector.Copy !req
99. - I didn't know you have a motorcycle.
- Well, my girlfriend had one.Copy !req
100. You have a girlfriend?Copy !req
101. I had a girlfriend.Copy !req
102. And she was pretty wild.Copy !req
103. - I don't remember you with a girl.
- Nevertheless.Copy !req
104. This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer.Copy !req
105. A radar detector's worth much more
than that helmet. You're cheating him.Copy !req
106. - Don't say anything.
- All right.Copy !req
107. Hey, you know you're
getting gypped over here.Copy !req
108. Really.Copy !req
109. Hey. We had a deal.Copy !req
110. Are you reneging out of the deal?
Are you reneging?Copy !req
111. - That's a renege.
- Stop saying "reneging."Copy !req
112. - Well, you're reneging.
- Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.Copy !req
113. All right. Give it to me.Copy !req
114. - All right, let go.
- Come on.Copy !req
115. - Let go on three.
- Give me that. Just give me that!Copy !req
116. - Three.
- Here.Copy !req
117. Idiots.Copy !req
118. Thanks, buddy. So long.Copy !req
119. - Does that thing work?
- No.Copy !req
120. I got a postcard from Elaine.Copy !req
121. - Really?
- Yeah. They're in London now.Copy !req
122. They'll be back in a few weeks.Copy !req
123. I can't believe she got
involved with her shrink.Copy !req
124. What about the TV show?
Got anything?Copy !req
125. No. Nothing.Copy !req
126. Why don't they have salsa
on the table?Copy !req
127. What do you need salsa for?Copy !req
128. Salsa is now the number-one
condiment in America.Copy !req
129. Do you know why?Copy !req
130. Because people like to say "salsa."Copy !req
131. Do you have any salsa?Copy !req
132. We need more salsa.
Where is the salsa? No salsa?Copy !req
133. You know, it must be impossible
for a Spanish person...Copy !req
134. to order seltzer and not get salsa.Copy !req
135. I wanted seltzer, not salsa.Copy !req
136. Don't you know the difference
between them?Copy !req
137. You have the seltzer after the salsa.Copy !req
138. This should be the show.
This is the show.Copy !req
139. - What?
- This.Copy !req
140. Just talking.Copy !req
141. Yeah. Right.Copy !req
142. No, I'm really serious.
I think that's a good idea.Copy !req
143. Just talking?
Well, what's the show about?Copy !req
144. It's about nothing.Copy !req
145. - No story?
- No, forget the story.Copy !req
146. - You gotta have a story.
- Who says you gotta have a story?Copy !req
147. Remember when we were waiting for
that table in that Chinese restaurant?Copy !req
148. That could be a TV show.Copy !req
149. And who's on the show?
Who are the characters?Copy !req
150. I could be a character.Copy !req
151. - You?
- Yeah. You base a character on me.Copy !req
152. So on the show there's a character
named George Costanza?Copy !req
153. Yeah. What? There's something
wrong with that? I'm a character.Copy !req
154. People are always saying to me,
"You know, you're quite a character."Copy !req
155. And who else is on the show?Copy !req
156. Elaine could be a character. Kramer.Copy !req
157. Now, he's a character.Copy !req
158. So everybody I know
is a character on the show.Copy !req
159. Right.Copy !req
160. - And it's about nothing.
- Absolutely nothing.Copy !req
161. So you're saying I go into NBC
and tell them...Copy !req
162. I got this idea
for a show about nothing.Copy !req
163. We go into NBC.Copy !req
164. We? Since when are you a writer?Copy !req
165. What writer?
We're talking about a sitcom.Copy !req
166. You wanna go with me to NBC?Copy !req
167. We really got something here.Copy !req
168. - What do we got?
- An idea.Copy !req
169. - What idea?
- An idea for the show.Copy !req
170. - I still don't know what the idea is.
- It's about nothing.Copy !req
171. - Right.
- Everybody's doing something.Copy !req
172. We'll do nothing.Copy !req
173. We go into NBC, tell them we got
an idea for a show about nothing.Copy !req
174. - Exactly.
- "What's your show about?"Copy !req
175. - I say, "Nothing."
- There you go.Copy !req
176. I think you may have something here.Copy !req
177. So the show would be
about my real life...Copy !req
178. and one of the characters
would be based on you.Copy !req
179. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
180. What do you mean,
you don't you think so?Copy !req
181. - I don't like it.
- I don't understand.Copy !req
182. - What don't you like?
- I don't like the idea...Copy !req
183. - ... of a character based on me.
- Why not?Copy !req
184. I don't know. It just doesn't sit well.Copy !req
185. There's gotta be a character
based on you.Copy !req
186. - That's your problem.
- I don't know what the big deal is.Copy !req
187. You can do it on one condition.Copy !req
188. - Whatever you want.
- I get to play Kramer.Copy !req
189. - You can't play Kramer.
- I am Kramer.Copy !req
190. But you can't act.Copy !req
191. - Okay, fine, we'll use Newman.
- Newman?Copy !req
192. - Use me for what?
- Nothing. What do you want?Copy !req
193. Well, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.Copy !req
194. I was driving home on
the Palisades Parkway...Copy !req
195. when I look in the rearview mirror,
and what did I see?Copy !req
196. The fuzz. And it's funny...Copy !req
197. because my new radar detector
was on, but I didn't hear a thing.Copy !req
198. - Isn't that strange?
- Yeah, that's strange.Copy !req
199. Because the radar detector,
as I understand it, detects radar!Copy !req
200. With a series of beeps
and flashing lights.Copy !req
201. But for some reason,
I didn't hear a thing...Copy !req
202. except for the sound
of a police siren.Copy !req
203. Well, that's queer, huh?Copy !req
204. I want my helmet back!Copy !req
205. You give me back my helmet,
and pay for that ticket!Copy !req
206. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You better think again, MoJumbo.Copy !req
207. You gave me a defective detector.Copy !req
208. - Jerry?
- Buyer beware.Copy !req
209. Are you gonna give me my helmet?Copy !req
210. No, we had a deal.
There's no guarantees in life.Copy !req
211. No, but there's karma, Kramer.Copy !req
212. Karma Kramer?Copy !req
213. And one more thing:Copy !req
214. I'm not coming to your party!Copy !req
215. Salsa, seltzer.Copy !req
216. Do you have any salsa?Copy !req
217. No, not seltzer, salsa.Copy !req
218. - What's the matter?
- Nothing.Copy !req
219. You sure?Copy !req
220. - You look a little pale.
- No, I'm fine. I'm good.Copy !req
221. Fine. Very good.Copy !req
222. - What, are you nervous?
- No, I'm not nervous. I'm very good.Copy !req
223. - I can't do this. I can't do this.
- What?Copy !req
224. I can't. I've tried. I'm here.
It's impossible.Copy !req
225. - This was your idea.
- What idea?Copy !req
226. I just said something. I didn't
know you were gonna listen to me!Copy !req
227. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
228. They're just TV executives.Copy !req
229. They're men with jobs, Jerry!Copy !req
230. They wear suits and ties.Copy !req
231. They're married.
They have secretaries!Copy !req
232. - I told you not to come.
- I need some water.Copy !req
233. I gotta get some water.Copy !req
234. - They'll give us water in there.
- Really?Copy !req
235. That's pretty good.Copy !req
236. - Oh, God, it's Joe Davola.
- Who?Copy !req
237. This guy's a writer. He's a total nut.Copy !req
238. I think he goes to
the same shrink as Elaine.Copy !req
239. Oh, God, he saw me.Copy !req
240. - Hello, Jerry.
- Hey, Joe!Copy !req
241. How you doing?Copy !req
242. You're under no obligation
to shake my hand.Copy !req
243. Oh, no. Just a custom.Copy !req
244. That's my friend, George.Copy !req
245. You look good.Copy !req
246. Why shouldn't I look good?Copy !req
247. No. No reason.
You do the karate, right?Copy !req
248. Yeah, you wanna hit me?Copy !req
249. - What are you doing here?
- I dropped a script off.Copy !req
250. Good for you.Copy !req
251. Well.Copy !req
252. - You don't have to say anything.
- No...Copy !req
253. - Hey, I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
- Why?Copy !req
254. Kramer's party.Copy !req
255. - Kramer's having a party?
- No. No, he's not having a party.Copy !req
256. He's doing something. I don't know.
It's nothing. He's not doing anything.Copy !req
257. I thought Kramer and I
were very close friends.Copy !req
258. No, I'm sure you are.
I'm sure you're very close friends.Copy !req
259. Very close.Copy !req
260. Give my best to Hinckley.Copy !req
261. - What was that?
- I can't believe what I did.Copy !req
262. I didn't know Kramer didn't invite him.
I gotta call Kramer.Copy !req
263. They're ready for you.Copy !req
264. Okay. Okay. Look.Copy !req
265. - You- You do all the talking. Okay?
- Oh, relax!Copy !req
266. - Who are they?
- Yeah.Copy !req
267. - They're not better than me.
- Of course not.Copy !req
268. - Who are they?
- They're nobody.Copy !req
269. - What about me?
- What about you?Copy !req
270. - Why them? Why not me?
- Why not you?Copy !req
271. - I'm just as good as them.
- Better.Copy !req
272. - You really think so?
- No.Copy !req
273. The bit- The bit I really liked was
where the parakeet flew into the mirror.Copy !req
274. That was funny.Copy !req
275. The parakeet in the mirror.
That is a good one, Stu.Copy !req
276. Yeah. One of my favourites.Copy !req
277. What about you, George? Have you
written anything we might know?Copy !req
278. Well, possibly. I...Copy !req
279. I wrote an off-Broadway show.Copy !req
280. La Cocina.Copy !req
281. Actually, it was off-off Broadway.Copy !req
282. It was a comedy
about a Mexican chef.Copy !req
283. It was- It was very funny.Copy !req
284. There was one great scene
with the chef.Copy !req
285. What was his name?Copy !req
286. - Pepe.
- Oh, Pepe. Yes, Pepe.Copy !req
287. And he was making tamales.Copy !req
288. Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?Copy !req
289. No, no, he mimed it.
That's what was so funny about it.Copy !req
290. So, what have you two
come up with?Copy !req
291. We thought about this
in a variety of ways...Copy !req
292. - ... but the basic idea is I play myself-
- May I?Copy !req
293. Go ahead.Copy !req
294. I think I can sum up the show
for you with one word:Copy !req
295. Nothing.Copy !req
296. - Nothing?
- Nothing.Copy !req
297. What does that mean?Copy !req
298. The show is about nothing.Copy !req
299. - It's not about nothing.
- No, it's about nothing.Copy !req
300. Well, maybe in philosophy.Copy !req
301. But even nothing is something.Copy !req
302. Mr. Dalrymple, your niece
is on the phone.Copy !req
303. - I'll call back.
- D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L.Copy !req
304. Not even close.Copy !req
305. - Is that with a Y?
- No.Copy !req
306. - What's the premise?
- As I was saying, I would play myself...Copy !req
307. as a comedian
living in New York...Copy !req
308. and I have a friend and a neighbour
and an ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
309. - Which is all true.
- But nothing happens on the show.Copy !req
310. You see, it's just like life.Copy !req
311. You know, you eat, you go
shopping, you read, you eat...Copy !req
312. - ... you read, you go shopping.
- You read?Copy !req
313. You read on the show?Copy !req
314. Well, I don't know about the reading.
We didn't discuss the reading.Copy !req
315. All right, tell me about the stories.Copy !req
316. - What kind of stories?
- Oh, no. No stories.Copy !req
317. No stories?Copy !req
318. - So, what is it?
- What did you do today?Copy !req
319. - I got up and came to work.
- There's a show. That's a show.Copy !req
320. How is that a show?Copy !req
321. Well, maybe something happens
to you on the way to work.Copy !req
322. No. No! No! Nothing happens!Copy !req
323. Well, something happens.Copy !req
324. - Well, why am I watching it?
- Because it's on TV.Copy !req
325. Not yet.Copy !req
326. Okay, look.Copy !req
327. If you wanna just keep doing
the same old thing...Copy !req
328. then maybe this idea is not for you.Copy !req
329. I, for one, am not going to
compromise my artistic integrity.Copy !req
330. And I'll tell you something else:Copy !req
331. This is the show,
and we're not gonna change it.Copy !req
332. Right?Copy !req
333. How about this?Copy !req
334. I manage a circus.Copy !req
335. I don't even wanna talk
about it anymore.Copy !req
336. What were you thinking?Copy !req
337. What was going on in your mind?Copy !req
338. Artistic integrity.Copy !req
339. Well, where did you
come up with that?Copy !req
340. You're not artistic,
and you have no integrity.Copy !req
341. You really need some help. A regular
psychiatrist couldn't even help you.Copy !req
342. You need to go to, like,
Vienna or something.Copy !req
343. You know what I mean? You need
to get involved at the university level.Copy !req
344. Like where Freud studied,
and have people looking...Copy !req
345. and checking up on you.
That's the kind you need.Copy !req
346. Not the once-a-week for 80 bucks.
No. You need a team.Copy !req
347. A team of psychiatrists,
working round the clock...Copy !req
348. thinking about you,
having conferences.Copy !req
349. Observing you, like the way
they did with the Elephant Man.Copy !req
350. That's what I'm talking about. That's
the only way you're gonna get better.Copy !req
351. I thought the woman
was kind of cute.Copy !req
352. Hold it. I really wanna
be clear about this.Copy !req
353. Are you talking about
the woman in the meeting?Copy !req
354. Is that the woman
you're talking about?Copy !req
355. Yeah. I thought I might
give her a call.Copy !req
356. I don't meet that many women.
I meet, like, three women a year.Copy !req
357. I mean, we've been introduced.
She knows my name.Copy !req
358. - It's completely inappropriate.
- Why?Copy !req
359. Maybe she liked me. I mean, she-
She was looking right at me.Copy !req
360. I think she was impressed.Copy !req
361. We had good eye contact
through the whole meeting.Copy !req
362. - Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.
- Wait a minute, let me call Susan.Copy !req
363. - No, this is more important.
- She might leave work any minute.Copy !req
364. I gotta warn him that I told
Joe Davola about his party.Copy !req
365. No!Copy !req
366. What is it?Copy !req
367. I was just thinking about
this patient of mine.Copy !req
368. What?Copy !req
369. Just wondering if he's taking
his medication.Copy !req
370. Come on. We're on vacation.Copy !req
371. Well, we were standing
in the waiting area there...Copy !req
372. and you know how Davola is.
He's all...Copy !req
373. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
374. And so I felt very
uncomfortable with him...Copy !req
375. and, you know, I just blurted out
something about your party.Copy !req
376. - Back up a second.
- I didn't know you didn't invite him.Copy !req
377. Why would I invite him?Copy !req
378. - Well, I just assumed that-
- Assumed?Copy !req
379. Never assume anything.
I don't want that nut in my house.Copy !req
380. You know he's on medication.Copy !req
381. - Well, hello. Oh, hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
382. You remember Susan from NBC.Copy !req
383. - Of course. How are you?
- Fine. Good to see you.Copy !req
384. - This is Kramer.
- Hello.Copy !req
385. All right, go ahead, Susan. Tell him.Copy !req
386. - Tell me what?
- Well, I-Copy !req
387. I'm sorry. Excuse me one second.Copy !req
388. - Hello?
- Hi...Copy !req
389. would you be interested
in switching to TMI long distance?Copy !req
390. I- I can't talk right now.Copy !req
391. Why don't you give me your home
number, and I'll call later?Copy !req
392. I'm sorry. We're not alowed
to do that.Copy !req
393. I guess you don't want
people calling you at home.Copy !req
394. - No.
- Well, now you know how I feel.Copy !req
395. - So go ahead. Tell him.
- Well-Copy !req
396. Kramer, are you drinking that milk?Copy !req
397. - Yeah.
- What's the expiration date on that?Copy !req
398. September third.Copy !req
399. - The third?
- The third?Copy !req
400. Never should have
brought her up there.Copy !req
401. Should have known better.Copy !req
402. I should have seen it coming.
I didn't see it coming.Copy !req
403. I think she saw it coming.Copy !req
404. You know, she was behind the idea.
She was gonna champion the show.Copy !req
405. I was bringing her up to tell you,
and she liked me.Copy !req
406. Look, just because Kramer vomited
on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.Copy !req
407. What are you, crazy?Copy !req
408. It's a traumatic thing
to be thrown up on.Copy !req
409. Vomiting is not a deal-breaker.Copy !req
410. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain...Copy !req
411. he still would have
given him Czechoslovakia.Copy !req
412. Chamberlain.Copy !req
413. You could hold his head in the toilet,
he'd still give you half of Europe.Copy !req
414. What happened to you?Copy !req
415. Davola came after me.Copy !req
416. What? Davola?Copy !req
417. See, this guy is crazy.
I can't believe this. What happened?Copy !req
418. Can I get coffee? You know,
I was walking home...Copy !req
419. I had to pick up my helmet from
the shop. I had to get a new strap.Copy !req
420. So I had it on, and I was checking
the strap out to make sure it fit.Copy !req
421. And suddenly, I feel this kick
hit me on the side of the head.Copy !req
422. It knocks me down. I look up,
and it's Crazy Joe Davola.Copy !req
423. And he says, "That's what I think
of your party."Copy !req
424. - Boy, that is some kick.
- Newman's helmet, it saved my life.Copy !req
425. - Look at that.
- Wow, Newman's helmet.Copy !req
426. I got bad news for you, buddy.Copy !req
427. Davola says you're next.Copy !req
428. Me? Why?Copy !req
429. He doesn't like you.Copy !req
430. What does he want from me?
I didn't do anything.Copy !req
431. See, this is all Elaine's fault. She took
off to Europe with his psychiatrist.Copy !req
432. He can't get his medication.
Now I got some nut after me.Copy !req
433. Pass the cream.Copy !req
434. Wait a second.Copy !req
435. All right.Copy !req
436. When you vomit on somebody...Copy !req
437. it is a social faux pas...Copy !req
438. from which there
is really no recovery.Copy !req
439. At that point, there's really very
little you can say to the person.Copy !req
440. There's no Hallmark cards
that cover this occasion.Copy !req
441. There's no vomit sympathy-card
section of the store, you know.Copy !req
442. "You wear it well."
You know, there's no words...Copy !req
443. that really capture, you know...Copy !req
444. "Next time, lunch is on me."Copy !req
445. There's no, really,
way to phrase the sentiment.Copy !req
446. Where the hell did I put it?Copy !req
447. - Where did I put it?
- What are you looking for?Copy !req
448. The remote. The remote.
I can't find the remote.Copy !req
449. Did I-? I lost it.
Did you take it?Copy !req
450. - Did you put it someplace?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
451. All right, what is this?Copy !req
452. - What is what?
- All right, very funny. I get it.Copy !req
453. - You're in a weird mood.
- Come on.Copy !req
454. Go to your apartment and fix it.Copy !req
455. - Fix what?
- Your pants!Copy !req
456. What is this? Why do I got
one pant leg on for?Copy !req
457. Don't you know? Look at your face. You
only shaved the right side of your face.Copy !req
458. - What is this, a joke?
- No joke. What? A joke?Copy !req
459. You think this is funny?Copy !req
460. Well, look at your face in the mirror.Copy !req
461. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
462. Come on up.Copy !req
463. - I don't believe this.
- You didn't know you were doing this?Copy !req
464. - No, I swear.
- I'll bet this is from that kick...Copy !req
465. from Crazy Joe Davola. You better
see a doctor and get some x-rays.Copy !req
466. Just the man I'm looking for.Copy !req
467. - Me?
- Yeah. Here you go.Copy !req
468. - What's this?
- A dry-cleaning bill.Copy !req
469. - From that woman at NBC?
- Yeah.Copy !req
470. - Dry cleaning bill for what?
- For vomiting on her vest.Copy !req
471. Oh, come on, George.
I didn't do that on purpose.Copy !req
472. - I shouldn't have to pay.
- Neither should I.Copy !req
473. Jerry left the milk in the refrigerator.Copy !req
474. - Yeah, it's your milk.
- He drank it.Copy !req
475. - I didn't know.
- All right.Copy !req
476. Well, we should all chip in, I guess.Copy !req
477. - Yeah.
- How much was it to clean the vest?Copy !req
478. Eighteen dollars.Copy !req
479. Can you get vomit out of suede?Copy !req
480. - I don't know.
- Yo-Yo Ma!Copy !req
481. What? Yo-Yo Ma?Copy !req
482. What about him?Copy !req
483. - You just said, "Yo-Yo Ma."
- What's Yo-Yo Ma?Copy !req
484. He's a cellist.Copy !req
485. You should see a doctor today.Copy !req
486. All right. Let's go. Six dollars.Copy !req
487. I can't believe
she sent a cleaning bill.Copy !req
488. I know.Copy !req
489. And it doesn't really bode well
for the show.Copy !req
490. Forget about the show. We should
take the idea to a different network.Copy !req
491. Oh, yeah. Right.Copy !req
492. Like anybody's ever gonna do this.Copy !req
493. How did you get me to go with that?Copy !req
494. A show about nothing.Copy !req
495. It was a good idea.
Susan liked it.Copy !req
496. And if he hadn't vomited all over her,
we'd be writing it right now.Copy !req
497. What are you doing?Copy !req
498. What's wrong with you?
What are you doing? Give me that.Copy !req
499. Go to your apartment and lie down.
I'll make an appointment for a doctor.Copy !req
500. Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry.Copy !req
501. No, that's my neighbour.
He's not quite himself.Copy !req
502. He got kicked in the head.Copy !req
503. What? Really? You're kidding.Copy !req
504. Today? Yeah, sure.
We could make it. Two o'clock?Copy !req
505. Yeah, we could do that.Copy !req
506. Okay. Great. Thanks a million.Copy !req
507. Okay. Bye.Copy !req
508. - What?
- NBC.Copy !req
509. They wanna have another meeting.Copy !req
510. They wanna have another meeting?Copy !req
511. They wanna buy it!
They wanna buy it! What did I tell you?Copy !req
512. We'll be rich!
What are we gonna get?Copy !req
513. - Fifty, 60 thousand.
- I don't know about 60.Copy !req
514. Oh, it's gotta be 50.Copy !req
515. You know how much
Ted Danson makes?Copy !req
516. Ted Danson. How are you
comparing us to Ted Danson?Copy !req
517. - I didn't say we're Ted Danson.
- You did. You said we're Ted Danson.Copy !req
518. - You know, I think he wears a piece.
- Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.Copy !req
519. - What time do you have?
- Five till.Copy !req
520. See, I'm 10 minutes slow again. That's
it for this piece of junk. I've had it.Copy !req
521. - The one your parents gave you?
- It never works.Copy !req
522. We're supposed to be there.
Let's take a cab.Copy !req
523. We'll be a little late.
I'm not taking a cab.Copy !req
524. - I'll pay for it.
- It's not the money.Copy !req
525. What is it you object to? The comfort?
The speed? The convenience?Copy !req
526. Jerry!Copy !req
527. - Uncle Leo!
- Hello!Copy !req
528. Hello there. How you doing?Copy !req
529. - How are you? How's Mom and Dad?
- Good. Fine.Copy !req
530. Are you getting to be too much
of a big shot now to give me a call?Copy !req
531. I don't hear from you anymore.Copy !req
532. Oh, no, I've been kind
of busy, that's all.Copy !req
533. You know where I just came from?Copy !req
534. - Danny Barber.
- Oh, sure. Danny.Copy !req
535. He was in the pyjama business.Copy !req
536. Remember, I got my pyjamas
for free.Copy !req
537. I'd come over and give you pyjamas.Copy !req
538. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.Copy !req
539. Funny thing is, I can't wear them.
I get too hot.Copy !req
540. I sleep in my underwear
and a T-shirt.Copy !req
541. If it gets too hot, I just take the T-shirt
off. Anyway, Danny says to me:Copy !req
542. - "You need any pyjamas?"
- I'm sorry, Uncle Leo.Copy !req
543. I really gotta get going.Copy !req
544. Well, you gotta get going, so go.Copy !req
545. We got a meeting
with the president of NBC.Copy !req
546. - Nobody got a gun to your head.
- Yeah. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
547. Go. Really, I understand.Copy !req
548. You got an appointment.
Go to your appointment.Copy !req
549. - I'm sorry. Really.
- You know...Copy !req
550. I know plenty of people
in Hollywood too.Copy !req
551. Sorry. Really.Copy !req
552. - Yeah?
- Come on, are you ready? Let's go.Copy !req
553. - For what?
- What's with you?Copy !req
554. I just talked to you 15 minutes ago.Copy !req
555. - About what?
- The courthouse.Copy !req
556. You gotta go with me to court.
I'm contesting the ticket.Copy !req
557. - I can't. I'm going to the doctor's later.
- You gotta go.Copy !req
558. You're my alibi.
You have to take the stand.Copy !req
559. - Well, I can't.
- Let me remind you of something.Copy !req
560. You wouldn't be here today
if it wasn't for me and my helmet.Copy !req
561. I saved your life. You would be dead!Copy !req
562. You would cease to exist.
You'd be gone for the rest of eternity.Copy !req
563. Can you begin to comprehend
what that means?Copy !req
564. Shut up!
I'll get my coat.Copy !req
565. Don't step on anything.Copy !req
566. There are many things that
I think you can point to...Copy !req
567. as proof that the humans
are not smart.Copy !req
568. But my personal favourite would have
to be that we had to invent the helmet.Copy !req
569. What happened was
we were involved...Copy !req
570. in a lot of activities
that were cracking our heads.Copy !req
571. We chose not to avoid doing
these activities, but instead...Copy !req
572. to come up with
some sort of device...Copy !req
573. to help us continue enjoying
our head-cracking lifestyles:Copy !req
574. The helmet.Copy !req
575. Not enough people
were wearing them...Copy !req
576. so we had to come up
with the helmet law...Copy !req
577. which is even stupider.
The idea behind the helmet law...Copy !req
578. is to preserve a brain whose
judgment is so poor...Copy !req
579. it does not even try to stop
the cracking of the head it's in.Copy !req
580. Did you see the look on his face?
Did you see how insulted he was?Copy !req
581. What could I do?
What are we supposed to do?Copy !req
582. You can't leave.Copy !req
583. There's no excuse good
enough to justify walking away...Copy !req
584. from a conversation
with one of my relatives.Copy !req
585. I didn't shave this morning.
I don't feel like myself.Copy !req
586. You could be a fireman on
a fire truck on the way to a fire.Copy !req
587. You bump into one of my relatives,
"Sorry, Uncle Leo...Copy !req
588. there's a building full of people
burning down. I do have to be running."Copy !req
589. He'll go, "Go. Go ahead.
Go to your fancy fire.Copy !req
590. If that's what you have to do."Copy !req
591. - Look at this.
- Why didn't you shave this morning?Copy !req
592. Because I shaved yesterday
in the afternoon.Copy !req
593. - Why?
- Because of the day before.Copy !req
594. It's a long story.Copy !req
595. I can't get back on schedule.Copy !req
596. Is that Joe Davola?Copy !req
597. It's not him!Copy !req
598. I can't live like this.
I'm being stalked.Copy !req
599. Mr. Seinfeld. They're ready for you.Copy !req
600. Mr. Seinfeld.
What about Mr. Costanza?Copy !req
601. I'm not here?Copy !req
602. All right. You promised.Copy !req
603. You're gonna be a little more
flexible on the nothing idea.Copy !req
604. - Just a little.
- All right. A little.Copy !req
605. Okay. You all set?
You got your story?Copy !req
606. - No.
- When he stopped me...Copy !req
607. I told him I was rushing because
my friend was about to commit suicide.Copy !req
608. You're that friend.
All we need is a reason...Copy !req
609. why you were gonna
commit suicide.Copy !req
610. I never had an air conditioner.Copy !req
611. No. That's no reason to kill yourself.Copy !req
612. Why? It gets hot at night.
You can't sleep.Copy !req
613. You ever try to sleep in a hot room?Copy !req
614. I sleep in a really hot room.
I don't wanna kill myself.Copy !req
615. I've slept in really hot rooms
and wanted to kill myself.Copy !req
616. No, no, that's not gonna work.
Something else.Copy !req
617. I was never able
to become a banker.Copy !req
618. Banker! So you're killing yourself...Copy !req
619. because your dreams of becoming
a banker have gone unfulfilled.Copy !req
620. You- You- You can't live
without being a banker.Copy !req
621. Yeah, yeah. If I can't be a banker,
I don't wanna live.Copy !req
622. - You must be a banker!
- Must be a banker!Copy !req
623. Okay, we'll go with the banker story.Copy !req
624. Story is the foundation
of all entertainment.Copy !req
625. You must have a good story.
Otherwise, it's just masturbation.Copy !req
626. People really have
to care about the characters.Copy !req
627. Care? Forget about care. Love.Copy !req
628. They have to love them. Otherwise...Copy !req
629. - ... why tune in?
- Wouldn't tune in.Copy !req
630. - Would they tune in?
- No tune.Copy !req
631. We like to look at a show
as if it were an EKG.Copy !req
632. You have your highs and your lows.
And it goes up and down.Copy !req
633. This show will be like a heart attack.Copy !req
634. Just a huge, massive coronary.Copy !req
635. So, what you said last week
about no story...Copy !req
636. you're a little flexible on that now.Copy !req
637. Is that what I said, "no story"?
Because Jerry had to tell me later.Copy !req
638. He couldn't believe it.Copy !req
639. I said- I said, "Get out of here.
No story?Copy !req
640. Is that what I said?"Copy !req
641. Well, I informed him that he
was exceeding the speed limit...Copy !req
642. and that's when he told me
that he was racing home...Copy !req
643. because his friend was
about to commit suicide.Copy !req
644. And then what happened?Copy !req
645. He became very loud and hysterical.Copy !req
646. He was flailing his arms about
as he told the story...Copy !req
647. and then he threw himself
on the ground...Copy !req
648. and he grabbed me
around the legs...Copy !req
649. and he begged me to let him go.
And when I refused...Copy !req
650. that's when he began to scream,
"My friend's going to die.Copy !req
651. My friend's going to die."Copy !req
652. I don't know how you guys feel, but we
would like to be in business with you.Copy !req
653. - We'd like to be in business.
- Love to.Copy !req
654. - We'll do business.
- Business.Copy !req
655. - Let's have business.
- This is business.Copy !req
656. Would it be possible to get
a copy of La Cocina?Copy !req
657. Your off-Broadway play.Copy !req
658. Gee, you know...Copy !req
659. It's- It's the damndest thing. I-Copy !req
660. I moved recently,
and my files disappeared.Copy !req
661. Now I- I don't know if
they fell off the truck...Copy !req
662. or if there was some foul play,
but let me tell you:Copy !req
663. I am not through with
that moving company.Copy !req
664. That's my vow to you.Copy !req
665. Well, I got a feeling about you two.Copy !req
666. And even more than that...Copy !req
667. I place great confidence
in this lady's judgment.Copy !req
668. - Good judgment.
- Good judgment.Copy !req
669. - That's a pile of judgment.
- Yes. Yes, judgment with earrings on.Copy !req
670. So let's make a pilot.Copy !req
671. I had gone up to Westchester.Copy !req
672. I go every Tuesday.Copy !req
673. I do charity work with the blind...Copy !req
674. in my spare time
for the Lighthouse.Copy !req
675. I was in the middle of a game of
Parcheesi with an old blind man...Copy !req
676. and I excused myself
to call my friend...Copy !req
677. as he was very depressed lately...Copy !req
678. because he never became
a banker.Copy !req
679. I don't understand.Copy !req
680. You see, it had been his lifelong
dream to be a banker, and he-Copy !req
681. Just the day before,
he was turned down by a bank.Copy !req
682. I believe it was
the Manufacturers Hanover...Copy !req
683. on Lexington and 40th Street.Copy !req
684. That was the third bank in
two weeks to turn him down...Copy !req
685. so I was- I was a little concerned.
I wanted to see how he was doing.Copy !req
686. Well, Your Honour,
he was barely audible...Copy !req
687. but I- I distinctly recall him saying-Copy !req
688. Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.Copy !req
689. So I sped home to save my friend's life,
and I was stopped for speeding.Copy !req
690. Yes, I admit I was speeding...Copy !req
691. but it was to save a man's life.Copy !req
692. A close friend.Copy !req
693. An innocent person who wanted
nothing more out of life than to love...Copy !req
694. to be loved and to be a banker.Copy !req
695. So then he didn't kill himself?Copy !req
696. No, sir, he did not.Copy !req
697. But only by the grace of God.Copy !req
698. He is in the courtroom today,
sitting right over there!Copy !req
699. And he can corroborate
my entire testimony.Copy !req
700. See! Told you! I told you!Copy !req
701. - Now all we gotta do is write it.
- Yes!Copy !req
702. How are we gonna do that?Copy !req
703. - Hey! Congratulations.
- Thanks.Copy !req
704. - Thank you. Thanks.
- Thank you.Copy !req
705. You know, I thought
you were mad at me.Copy !req
706. Mr. Seinfeld, you have
a telephone call.Copy !req
707. Phone call? Who knows I'm here?Copy !req
708. Hello? Mom?Copy !req
709. How did you know I was here?Copy !req
710. Oh, I was not rude to him.
That is baloney!Copy !req
711. I couldn't talk. I had a meeting.Copy !req
712. I don't know. He- He went off
on some thing about pyjamas.Copy !req
713. When you sent me the bill, I thought
the show didn't have a chance.Copy !req
714. Oh, it was only vomit.Copy !req
715. Anyway, I would like to pay
for the dry cleaning.Copy !req
716. - Oh, no, no. It's okay.
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
717. We all chipped in.
We have the money.Copy !req
718. Well, it was $18.Copy !req
719. - Okay, $18. There it is. There you go.
- All right.Copy !req
720. So maybe we could get
together this weekend.Copy !req
721. - Yeah. Call me.
- All right. Great.Copy !req
722. - Bye.
- Bye. Thanks.Copy !req
723. Bye.Copy !req
724. I can't believe she took the money.Copy !req
725. Why?Copy !req
726. I offered to pay.
She should have said no.Copy !req
727. She did. You insisted.Copy !req
728. This is what the pilot should be about.
Vomiting on somebody's vest.Copy !req
729. How much are we gonna get for this?Copy !req
730. - Oh, I- I don't know.
- We gotta get 50. Gotta get 50.Copy !req
731. We'll go. You call your manager.
Maybe they made an offer.Copy !req
732. - Okay.
- All right, let's go, let's go.Copy !req
733. Thirteen thousand?Copy !req
734. Thirteen thousand.Copy !req
735. - Apiece?
- No, for both.Copy !req
736. That's insulting. Ted Danson
makes $800,000 an episode.Copy !req
737. - Would you stop with the Ted Danson?
- Well, he does.Copy !req
738. - You're nuts.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
739. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson
makes that much more than me.Copy !req
740. - Who's he?
- He's somebody.Copy !req
741. - And me?
- You're nobody.Copy !req
742. - Why him? Why not me?
- He's good. You're not.Copy !req
743. - I'm better than him.
- You're worse.Copy !req
744. Much, much worse.Copy !req
745. - There's Davola.
- What? Where?Copy !req
746. - Where?
- Outside. I just saw him outside.Copy !req
747. What is it?Copy !req
748. Oh, it's this patient.Copy !req
749. Again?Copy !req
750. I'm fairly certain.Copy !req
751. I forgot to leave him an extra
prescription for his medication.Copy !req
752. Well, so he can live without his
Valium for a couple of days.Copy !req
753. No, you don't understand.Copy !req
754. He could be dangerous.Copy !req
755. Go outside and see if he's there.Copy !req
756. I can't go. He knows we're friends.Copy !req
757. Well, what am I supposed to do?
I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.Copy !req
758. - Tell the cop.
- Good idea.Copy !req
759. Excuse me, officer.Copy !req
760. There's a guy outside, and he's a
nutjob, and he's waiting to beat me up.Copy !req
761. If you could just walk me outside
and wait till I get into a cab.Copy !req
762. Yeah, all right. Just-
Just let me get a muffin.Copy !req
763. Thanks.Copy !req
764. He's gonna get a muffin.
Then he'll walk us outside.Copy !req
765. This is a great way
to go through life, isn't it?Copy !req
766. Hey, he's looking at the menu now.Copy !req
767. What's he looking at the menu for?Copy !req
768. I thought you said he was
gonna get a muffin.Copy !req
769. What are you doing?Copy !req
770. - What?
- What, you're ordering food now?Copy !req
771. Yeah. Yeah, I decided
to get a sandwich.Copy !req
772. What happened to the muffin?Copy !req
773. I got a little hungry.Copy !req
774. All of a sudden you get hungry?Copy !req
775. Yeah. You got a problem with that?Copy !req
776. No.Copy !req
777. Enjoy your lunch.Copy !req
778. You know, a muffin
can be very filling.Copy !req
779. - He's getting a sandwich now.
- I thought he was gonna have a muffin.Copy !req
780. All of a sudden, he gets hungry.Copy !req
781. - You know, a muffin can be very filling.
- I know.Copy !req
782. Mr. Kramer...Copy !req
783. you heard the testimony so far.Copy !req
784. Would you please tell the court,
in your own words...Copy !req
785. what happened on the afternoon
of September 1 Oth?Copy !req
786. What do you mean,
"in my own words"?Copy !req
787. Whose words are they gonna be?Copy !req
788. You know what I mean.Copy !req
789. - I was very upset that day.
- And why was that?Copy !req
790. - Would you let me say-? Let me talk.
- All right. Go ahead.Copy !req
791. - All right.
- Okay.Copy !req
792. I was very upset that day because
I could never become a banker.Copy !req
793. And this failure to become a banker...Copy !req
794. was eating at you. Eating, eating,
eating at you inside.Copy !req
795. Yeah.Copy !req
796. It was your family that pushed you into
banking. It was their dream for you.Copy !req
797. - Mr. Newman?
- I'm trying to establish...Copy !req
798. Mr. Kramer's fragile emotional state.
My entire case depends on it.Copy !req
799. Continue.Copy !req
800. - As you were saying, Mr. Kramer?
- What was the question?Copy !req
801. You're telling how your parents
pushed you into banking.Copy !req
802. Well, my father, when I was a kid...Copy !req
803. he took me to the bank...Copy !req
804. and he lifted me up, and he pointed
to the teller, and he said:Copy !req
805. "Sonny boy, take a good look
at him.Copy !req
806. That's gonna be you someday."Copy !req
807. But you never became a banker,
did you, Mr. Kramer?Copy !req
808. Why? Why did you fail?Copy !req
809. I don't know.Copy !req
810. Because you hated your father...Copy !req
811. and you would do anything
to displease him!Copy !req
812. Isn't that true?Copy !req
813. - Could you get to the speeding?
- Yes, I intend to, Your Honour.Copy !req
814. And then, on the afternoon
of September 1 Oth...Copy !req
815. you received a phone call,
did you not?Copy !req
816. Phone call?Copy !req
817. Yes, a phone call.Copy !req
818. From who?Copy !req
819. - From me.
- From you?Copy !req
820. Yes, from me! From me!
I called you, remember?Copy !req
821. - You called me?
- Yes, I called you, you idiot!Copy !req
822. Because you were going to...Copy !req
823. - You were going to... Remember?
- What?Copy !req
824. You were gonna- You were gonna-Copy !req
825. You were gonna do something...Copy !req
826. to yourself.
You were gonna do something.Copy !req
827. Remember the banking! The banking!
It wasn't working out.Copy !req
828. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call-Copy !req
829. - Yes, a banker!
- What banker?Copy !req
830. You're a banker!Copy !req
831. - Your Honour-
- That's enough, Mr. -Copy !req
832. Mr. Kramer is obviously
very distraught.Copy !req
833. - I'm distraught?
- You shut up!Copy !req
834. I demand a recess so that
I can take him outside...Copy !req
835. and help him regain
his composure.Copy !req
836. That'll be $75.Copy !req
837. What's the matter with you, you jerk?
We had it all worked out!Copy !req
838. Is he out there? Do you see him?Copy !req
839. I'm not sure.Copy !req
840. Well, either you see him or you don't.Copy !req
841. All right, I don't.Copy !req
842. What is he doing?Copy !req
843. Is he getting coffee?Copy !req
844. I think he's getting coffee.Copy !req
845. What's with this guy?Copy !req
846. Did you just order coffee?Copy !req
847. - Yeah.
- This is really too much.Copy !req
848. - What is your problem?
- I'm sitting over there...Copy !req
849. waiting for you to finish
for 20 minutes.Copy !req
850. Now you're drinking coffee.
That's another 10 minutes.Copy !req
851. Well, you're just gonna have to wait.Copy !req
852. You never said anything
about the banking.Copy !req
853. - You're off your rocker!
- Hey, you guys.Copy !req
854. - Hey.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
855. - Why are you here?
- Is Davola outside?Copy !req
856. - Davola?
- Yeah.Copy !req
857. - I didn't see him.
- Crazy Joe Davola?Copy !req
858. - Jerry, yours is $11.
- Eleven dollars? For what?Copy !req
859. Muffin, sandwich and coffee.Copy !req
860. Hey, NBC okayed our idea.
We're gonna make the pilot.Copy !req
861. The circus freak show?Copy !req
862. - No.
- A pilot?Copy !req
863. What do you make for something
like that? Fifty, 60 thousand?Copy !req
864. What's the difference?
The money's not important.Copy !req
865. - Hey, Newman, is that your red car?
- Yeah.Copy !req
866. - I think you're getting a ticket.
- Run.Copy !req
867. - Go! Go! Go!
- Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
868. It's after 6:00!
You can't give me a ticket!Copy !req
869. You're not gonna get away with this.
I'll fight this.Copy !req
870. - I've got witnesses.
- I saw the whole thing.Copy !req
871. This would be a good idea
for the pilot.Copy !req
872. Get out of here.
The vomiting is funnier.Copy !req
873. Oh, like you know.Copy !req
874. No. You do.Copy !req
875. Many states now have traffic school
when you have an infraction.Copy !req
876. I went to traffic school.
I didn't mind it.Copy !req
877. I felt bad for the instructor.Copy !req
878. This guy goes to traffic school
every day, no matter how he drives.Copy !req
879. What is his incentive to not speed?Copy !req
880. He's going to traffic school, anyway.Copy !req
881. Why not get a racecar, do 200 miles
an hour down the street?Copy !req
882. Cop stops you."Where you going?"
"Traffic school."Go ahead.Copy !req
883. And you better hurry.
You really need it."Copy !req
884. The punishment should be, instead
of traffic school or traffic court...Copy !req
885. just traffic.Copy !req
886. They sentence you
to 100 hours of traffic.Copy !req
887. Five people drive all around you...Copy !req
888. at five miles an hour
wherever you go.Copy !req
889. You're on your way to Vegas.
There isn't a car in sight.Copy !req
890. Come on, move it.Copy !req