1. To me, the whole concept
of fear of success...Copy !req
2. is proof that we are definitely
scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.Copy !req
3. Will we have to have AA-type
meetings for these people?Copy !req
4. "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing
I'm worried about is having a stereo...Copy !req
5. and a cream-colored couch."Copy !req
6. According to most studies, people's
number-one fear is public speaking.Copy !req
7. Number two is death.Copy !req
8. Death is number two.Copy !req
9. Now, this means to the average
person, if you have to go to a funeral...Copy !req
10. you're better off in the casket
than doing the eulogy.Copy !req
11. Why can't I play Kramer?Copy !req
12. Look, we've been through this
already. You're not an actor.Copy !req
13. - Well, neither are you.
- I know.Copy !req
14. Why do we need two people
that can't act?Copy !req
15. Oh, come on, Jerry.
How hard is it to act?Copy !req
16. You say something.
I'll pretend it's funny.Copy !req
17. - What?
- My grandmother's in the hospital.Copy !req
18. Your grandmother's in the hospital.Copy !req
19. - This is real believable.
- You didn't think I was laughing?Copy !req
20. - It stinks.
- All right, let me see you do it.Copy !req
21. - Say something funny.
- All right.Copy !req
22. I've never been to Mars,
but I imagine it's quite lovely.Copy !req
23. Mine was better than that.
Come on, look:Copy !req
24. - Why are you pretending to laugh?
- We're acting.Copy !req
25. Oh, yeah, real good.Copy !req
26. - Any word from NBC?
- No.Copy !req
27. I don't understand. They're
supposed to be casting this week.Copy !req
28. Maybe they're not doing it.Copy !req
29. Well, at least let me audition.Copy !req
30. He wants to play Kramer in the pilot.Copy !req
31. Out of the question.
How could we not hear anything?Copy !req
32. What's with this Russell?
What's he doing?Copy !req
33. Hi, Russell.Copy !req
34. - Sit. Sit down. It's okay.
- I really appreciate you coming.Copy !req
35. Oh, that's okay. I- I don't have much
time, though, so-Copy !req
36. All right, well, first of all...Copy !req
37. I want to apologize for
all the phone calls.Copy !req
38. It's just- It's just...Copy !req
39. I don't understand.
We went out once, and-Copy !req
40. Yeah, that was two months ago.Copy !req
41. Yes, I know, and I- I- I just-
I can't get you out of my mind.Copy !req
42. Ever since that-Copy !req
43. The day in that restaurant
when we met...Copy !req
44. - Do you have a ketchup secret?
- No, but-Copy !req
45. Russell, you are the president of NBC.Copy !req
46. You can have any woman you want.Copy !req
47. But I want you.Copy !req
48. God, I hate these mixtures.Copy !req
49. I don't know why- Why don't they
just put pretzels out on the table?Copy !req
50. Or peanuts would be good, but...Copy !req
51. I don't know who eats
these cheesy things.Copy !req
52. Is it something I said?Copy !req
53. Or did?Copy !req
54. Look, Russell...Copy !req
55. you're a very sweet guy, but...Copy !req
56. I gotta be honest with you.Copy !req
57. I don't like television.Copy !req
58. And that's your world.
That's your life.Copy !req
59. Maybe if you were in Greenpeace or
something, that would be different...Copy !req
60. but network television, I mean...Copy !req
61. come on, Russell.
You're part of the problem.Copy !req
62. Elaine, we're doing some very
interesting things right now.Copy !req
63. We've got very exciting pilots
for next season.Copy !req
64. We have one with a bright young
comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
65. Oh, yeah, you know, I've heard of him.
He's that:Copy !req
66. "Did you ever notice this?
Did you ever notice that?"guy.Copy !req
67. In fact, he was in the restaurant
the day that we met.Copy !req
68. Well, anyway, it's a
groundbreaking show.Copy !req
69. Really? What is it about?Copy !req
70. Well, really- It's- It's really-
It's very unusual.Copy !req
71. It's about nothing.Copy !req
72. What do you mean, it's about nothing?Copy !req
73. For example, what did you do today?Copy !req
74. I got up. I went to work.Copy !req
75. Then I came here.Copy !req
76. There's a show. That's a show.Copy !req
77. Russell, see, I'm really not
interested in this...Copy !req
78. and I do have to...Copy !req
79. - ... go to work, so-
- Elaine, when-? When are we-?Copy !req
80. - When are we gonna see each other?
- I'm sorry, Russell. I'm sorry, okay?Copy !req
81. Bye-bye.Copy !req
82. - So I'll see you later, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
83. Hello. Yeah, he's here. Hey!Copy !req
84. - It's for you.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
85. He's getting phone calls here now?Copy !req
86. Hello.Copy !req
87. Again with the sweatpants?Copy !req
88. What? I'm comfortable.Copy !req
89. You know the message you're
sending with these sweatpants?Copy !req
90. You're telling the world, "I give up.Copy !req
91. I can't compete in normal society.Copy !req
92. I'm miserable, so I might
as well be comfortable."Copy !req
93. Hold on a second, I got another call.Copy !req
94. Hello.Copy !req
95. Yeah, he'll call you back.Copy !req
96. - Who is it?
- That's NBC.Copy !req
97. NBC?
Give me the phone!Copy !req
98. - I'm having a conversation here.
- Get off the phone.Copy !req
99. Okay, look, I'll call you back. Yeah.Copy !req
100. You know I'm waiting
to hear from them.Copy !req
101. - Who was it?
- Russell Dalrymple's secretary.Copy !req
102. All right. Now you're doing
something to help me.Copy !req
103. Hello. Yes, it's Jerry Seinfeld
returning the call.Copy !req
104. Okay, great. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
105. Casting tomorrow at NBC, 4:00.
We're in business. The pilot's on!Copy !req
106. You're gonna be successful.Copy !req
107. What if the pilot gets picked up...Copy !req
108. and it becomes a series?Copy !req
109. That would be wonderful.
You'll be rich and successful.Copy !req
110. That's why I'm worried.Copy !req
111. God will kill me before letting
me be successful.Copy !req
112. - He'll never let me be happy.
- You don't believe in God.Copy !req
113. I do for the bad things.Copy !req
114. Do you hear what you're saying?Copy !req
115. God isn't out to get you, George.Copy !req
116. What-?Copy !req
117. What is that on your lip?Copy !req
118. - What?
- It's like a discoloration. It's white.Copy !req
119. Yes. Yes, it's white.Copy !req
120. - Why is that white?
- You'd better get that checked out.Copy !req
121. - "Better get that checked out"?
- I would.Copy !req
122. What kind of a therapist are you?Copy !req
123. I'm telling you I'm scared
something will happen...Copy !req
124. and you look for tumours?Copy !req
125. - I'm trying to help you.
- What are you, like, a sadist?Copy !req
126. No matter how bad somebody
feels, you can make it worse.Copy !req
127. - You're rooting for a tumour.
- You'd better go.Copy !req
128. I'm going, baby. I'm going!Copy !req
129. - Where?
- Right here.Copy !req
130. Get out of here, it's nothing.Copy !req
131. Excuse me.Copy !req
132. Do you see anything on my lip?Copy !req
133. Yeah. Like a discoloration.Copy !req
134. - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it's all white.Copy !req
135. It's all white, Jerry.
It's all white.Copy !req
136. Would you stop?Copy !req
137. I'd get that checked out.Copy !req
138. Again with the checked out.Copy !req
139. I'm not going to the doctor.Copy !req
140. If I don't, nothing will happen.
If I go, he might find something.Copy !req
141. - If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.
- Catch what in time?Copy !req
142. - Whatever it is.
- You think it's something?Copy !req
143. I hate these bums with their rags.Copy !req
144. No, no, no, I don't want it. Get away.
Get away. Get away from my car.Copy !req
145. You know, these squeegee-Copy !req
146. Oh, my God,
it's Crazy Joe Davola.Copy !req
147. Good luck on the pilot, Jerry.Copy !req
148. Yeah, I think I see it. It's like a...Copy !req
149. white discoloration.Copy !req
150. What do you think it is?Copy !req
151. It's like a white discoloration.Copy !req
152. Okay, guys, are we ready to start?Copy !req
153. Where's Russell? I thought
he was gonna be here.Copy !req
154. I don't know. I saw him this morning,
and I said hello. He walked past me.Copy !req
155. He must be worried about
the fall schedule.Copy !req
156. - It's a real bear.
- Yeah.Copy !req
157. So, what's going on?
We're gonna shoot the pilot...Copy !req
158. then it's gonna be on TV
the next week?Copy !req
159. Yeah, right.Copy !req
160. This is Mark Matz.Copy !req
161. He'll be auditioning
for the role of George.Copy !req
162. - How you doing?
- Hey, Mark, how are you?Copy !req
163. They've gotta be kidding.Copy !req
164. This guy's perfect.Copy !req
165. Okay, let's read this.Copy !req
166. And I'll be reading Jerry's part.Copy !req
167. Anyone call for Vandelay Industries?Copy !req
168. - No, why?
- Listen to me.Copy !req
169. I told the unemployment office
I was close to a job with them...Copy !req
170. and I gave them your number.Copy !req
171. When you answer the phone, you've
got to say, "Vandelay Industries."Copy !req
172. - I'm Vandelay Industries?
- Right.Copy !req
173. - What is that?
- You're in latex.Copy !req
174. What do I do with latex?Copy !req
175. I don't know. You manufacture it.Copy !req
176. This is Michael Barth,
another George.Copy !req
177. - Hi, Michael.
- How you doing?Copy !req
178. - Everything all right?
- I just came from the podiatrist.Copy !req
179. Something's wrong with my foot.
A little gangrene.Copy !req
180. They'll probably have to amputate.Copy !req
181. Any questions?Copy !req
182. What are we looking at?
Is this guy a real loser?Copy !req
183. No, not a loser.Copy !req
184. Let's start with the second scene.
You have it?Copy !req
185. - Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
186. A man gave me a massage.Copy !req
187. So?Copy !req
188. Well, he-Copy !req
189. He had his hands, you know...Copy !req
190. - ... and he was-
- He was what?Copy !req
191. Well, he was, you know-
He was touching and rubbing.Copy !req
192. That's a massage.Copy !req
193. I think it moved.Copy !req
194. This is Melissa Shannon.Copy !req
195. - Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?Copy !req
196. Melissa is reading for Elaine.Copy !req
197. It's like a bald convention out there.Copy !req
198. Sorry, I made a faux pas.Copy !req
199. No, you didn't,
he knows he's bald.Copy !req
200. So how about that guy
wearing sweatpants?Copy !req
201. Is that for the part, or does he
walk around like that?Copy !req
202. Okay. Shall we start?Copy !req
203. You know what?Copy !req
204. I'll read with her.Copy !req
205. Oh, great.Copy !req
206. - All right, wanna start?
- Yeah.Copy !req
207. Okay.Copy !req
208. - What was that look?
- What look?Copy !req
209. That look you just gave me.Copy !req
210. - I gave a look?
- Yes.Copy !req
211. Thank you.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
212. Let's see some more Kramers.Copy !req
213. - Hi, how you doing?
- Hi.Copy !req
214. - How you doing?
- Good.Copy !req
215. - What is this about?
- Levels.Copy !req
216. - Levels?
- Yeah. Getting rid of all my furniture.Copy !req
217. All of it. I'm building levels...Copy !req
218. with steps, completely carpeted...Copy !req
219. with pillows.Copy !req
220. Like ancient Egypt.Copy !req
221. How are you gonna be
comfortable like that?Copy !req
222. I'll be comfortable.Copy !req
223. - Very good.
- Very nice.Copy !req
224. Tom, that was terrific.
Thank you for coming in.Copy !req
225. - Wonderful reading.
- That's really something.Copy !req
226. - Bye.
- Okay. Thank you. Take it easy.Copy !req
227. I thought he was really good,
very funny.Copy !req
228. Yeah, I liked him.Copy !req
229. What happened to the raisins?Copy !req
230. Yeah, there was a box
of raisins there.Copy !req
231. Did he just steal the raisins?Copy !req
232. You think he stole them?Copy !req
233. This is Martin Van Nostrand.Copy !req
234. - What are you doing here?
- You two know each other?Copy !req
235. Wait a minute. I know you.Copy !req
236. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein
underwear ads.Copy !req
237. That's true.Copy !req
238. I saw Joe DiMaggio
in Dinky Doughnuts again.Copy !req
239. But this time...Copy !req
240. I went in.Copy !req
241. Where's the bathroom?Copy !req
242. I think if you go down the hall,
it's on the right at the very end.Copy !req
243. Be right back.Copy !req
244. Sorry, buddy. Full house.Copy !req
245. Sorry. Customers only.Copy !req
246. Hey, you need a ticket.Copy !req
247. - So who's playing Elaine?
- Oh, don't worry about it.Copy !req
248. Very talented young actress.Copy !req
249. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
250. - Who is it?
- She's an Eskimo, actually.Copy !req
251. - Oh, God.
- She came down from Juneau by sled.Copy !req
252. She was in the Iditarod. Got to the
finish line, just kept going.Copy !req
253. She's got the dogs with her
in the hotel room.Copy !req
254. Listen, was Russell at the casting?Copy !req
255. No, he didn't show up.Copy !req
256. You know...Copy !req
257. I'm a little bit worried about him.Copy !req
258. I don't understand.
We had one date...Copy !req
259. two months ago.Copy !req
260. Am I that charming and beautiful?Copy !req
261. No. No, you're not.Copy !req
262. - Why do I keep setting you up?
- I don't know.Copy !req
263. Could we get a little more?Copy !req
264. Heat more.Copy !req
265. Ever since this new owner took over,
the service here is really slow.Copy !req
266. Yeah. Have you noticed anything
else that's...Copy !req
267. different since the new
management?Copy !req
268. They're putting a little lemon
in the tuna. I love that.Copy !req
269. Besides that.
Look at the waitresses.Copy !req
270. Yeah?Copy !req
271. What physical...Copy !req
272. characteristic would
you say is common to all of them?Copy !req
273. I mean, look at this.Copy !req
274. Every waitress working here has the
same proportions, wouldn't you say?Copy !req
275. Yes. I would say.Copy !req
276. What's going on here?
How is this possible?Copy !req
277. - Do you think it's a coincidence?
- No.Copy !req
278. I- I haven't seen four women like this
together outside of a Russ Meyer film.Copy !req
279. Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the
hiring of waitresses here?Copy !req
280. He does. We're looking for
another girl if you know anyone.Copy !req
281. You know what?
That's discriminatory.Copy !req
282. That is unfair. Why should these
women have all the advantages?Copy !req
283. They get all the attention from men.
They get all the waitress jobs too?Copy !req
284. Hey, that's life. Good-looking men
have the same advantage.Copy !req
285. You don't see
any handsome homeless.Copy !req
286. You see, it's right here.
It's- It's a little white.Copy !req
287. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
288. I've never seen this before.Copy !req
289. "Never seen this before"?Copy !req
290. I'm gonna have to take
a biopsy on this.Copy !req
291. - A what?
- A biopsy.Copy !req
292. - A biopsy?
- Yeah.Copy !req
293. Cancer? Is it cancer?
Do I have cancer?Copy !req
294. Well, I don't know what it is.Copy !req
295. He took a biopsy, Jerry.
A biopsy.Copy !req
296. - What'd he say?
- He didn't know what it was.Copy !req
297. All right, so?Copy !req
298. When I asked him about cancer,
he didn't say, "Get out of here."Copy !req
299. That's what I wanted to hear,
"Cancer? Get out of here."Copy !req
300. Maybe he doesn't have a
"get out of here'kind of personality.Copy !req
301. How could a doctor
not say, "Get out of here"?Copy !req
302. It should be part of medical school
training."Cancer? Get out of here.Copy !req
303. Go home. What are you, crazy?Copy !req
304. It's a little test. It's nothing.
You're a real nut, you know that?"Copy !req
305. Told you God would never
let me be successful.Copy !req
306. I never should've written that pilot.Copy !req
307. The show will be a hit, make
millions, and I'll be dead.Copy !req
308. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.Copy !req
309. Can't you at least die
with a little dignity?Copy !req
310. No, I can't.Copy !req
311. I can't die with dignity.
I have no dignity.Copy !req
312. I want to be the person who
doesn't die with dignity.Copy !req
313. I lived my whole life in shame.
Why die with dignity?Copy !req
314. Hey.Copy !req
315. What happened to you yesterday?Copy !req
316. I got mugged.Copy !req
317. - You got mugged?
- Mugged?Copy !req
318. I wouldn't have minded, but I was
running home to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
319. - Why didn't you use it in the building?
- It was full.Copy !req
320. I tried a few other places, you know,
but that didn't work.Copy !req
321. I mean, it was an emergency, Jerry.Copy !req
322. I was really percolating.Copy !req
323. So I decided to run home through the
park, and then two guys stopped me.Copy !req
324. - Yeah?
- It's me.Copy !req
325. Come on up.Copy !req
326. Now I got a big problem, buddy.Copy !req
327. - What is it?
- Well...Copy !req
328. I waited so long, I-
I missed my chance.Copy !req
329. - You didn't go?
- No, and now I can't get it back.Copy !req
330. The best thing to do
is just not think about it.Copy !req
331. How could you not think about it?Copy !req
332. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
333. - What's the matter with him?
- He's a little backed-up.Copy !req
334. Elaine.Copy !req
335. So I spoke to some of my sisters
about that coffee shop.Copy !req
336. Oh, the sisters.Copy !req
337. Have you seen the
waitresses in there?Copy !req
338. I never had so much coffee in my life.Copy !req
339. So we decided I should go over
there and apply for a job myself.Copy !req
340. Apply for a job? What for?Copy !req
341. Because it's discriminatory.Copy !req
342. It's a coincidence.Copy !req
343. - This is what you're gonna wear?
- Yeah.Copy !req
344. You're not gonna get the job.Copy !req
345. Exactly.Copy !req
346. Hello.Copy !req
347. Oh, hi.Copy !req
348. Yeah, I guess we could do that.
At what time?Copy !req
349. All right. I'll see you there.Copy !req
350. Okay, bye.Copy !req
351. - Who's that?
- TV Elaine.Copy !req
352. She wants to talk about the part.Copy !req
353. - What about the dogs?
- They're having sex in the hotel room.Copy !req
354. So the Elaine character is based
on someone you know.Copy !req
355. - Yes.
- And she's really your ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
356. - Yeah.
- I want to know her from the inside.Copy !req
357. What is she like?
Tell me about her.Copy !req
358. Well, she's fascinated with Greenland.
She enjoys teasing animals...Copy !req
359. Banlon and seeing people
running for their lives.Copy !req
360. She loves throwing garbage out the
window, yet she's extremely dainty.Copy !req
361. How would she eat a hamburger?Copy !req
362. - With her hands.
- What about pasta?Copy !req
363. Also with her hands.Copy !req
364. Seriously.Copy !req
365. I want to experience
everything she's experienced.Copy !req
366. Everything?Copy !req
367. - Everything.
- All right, she cuts pasta with a knife.Copy !req
368. Good. What's her favourite movie?Copy !req
369. Shaft.Copy !req
370. You gotta give me her picture.
What about sex?Copy !req
371. She likes talking during sex.Copy !req
372. Dirty talking?Copy !req
373. No. Just chitchat, movies,
current events. Regular stuff.Copy !req
374. - You know, Sandi-
- Elaine.Copy !req
375. - What?
- Call me...Copy !req
376. Elaine.Copy !req
377. All right...Copy !req
378. - ... Elaine.
- How does Elaine kiss?Copy !req
379. - Well-
- Does she kiss...Copy !req
380. like this?Copy !req
381. Actually, she has a thing where she
spirals her tongue around. It's like a-Copy !req
382. Like this?Copy !req
383. I think you got it.Copy !req
384. Now, I like to eat spaghetti...Copy !req
385. with just a fork.Copy !req
386. Because I can keep
the strands long...Copy !req
387. and I can slurp it up to my mouth
like this. Look.Copy !req
388. Now, sex, I like the bottom.Copy !req
389. Let them do all the work, you know?Copy !req
390. You should be writing
this stuff down.Copy !req
391. Yeah. Bran flakes.Copy !req
392. One hundred percent.
I got a big problem.Copy !req
393. - And I'll have the hamburger. That's it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
394. - Thanks a lot.
- That's good.Copy !req
395. Now, I like to play golf.Copy !req
396. Look, this stuff doesn't matter to me.Copy !req
397. See, I'm gonna do the character
like me, not like you.Copy !req
398. You gotta play him like me.Copy !req
399. I'm Kramer.Copy !req
400. - I'm Kramer.
- I'm Kramer.Copy !req
401. What can I do for you?
Would you like table?Copy !req
402. No, I'd like to apply
for a waitress job.Copy !req
403. Have you ever waited
on tables before?Copy !req
404. Oh, yeah. I've been a professional
waitress for the last 10 years.Copy !req
405. I've worked all over this city.Copy !req
406. These are my references.Copy !req
407. I'm sure you'll find
that I'm more than qualified.Copy !req
408. I don't think I need
anyone else right now.Copy !req
409. You're in big trouble, mister!
And I mean trouble with a capital T!Copy !req
410. What? What did I do?Copy !req
411. Anyway, there's at least...Copy !req
412. four of them,
and they're all huge.Copy !req
413. I mean, one is bigger than the next.Copy !req
414. It's like a Russ Meyer movie.Copy !req
415. Who's Russ Meyer?Copy !req
416. He's this guy who made these...Copy !req
417. terrible movies in the '7 Os
with these kinds of women.Copy !req
418. He's obsessed.Copy !req
419. He's obsessed with breasts.Copy !req
420. That's hard to say.Copy !req
421. Anyway, go on.Copy !req
422. There's not really much more to tell.
He was looking for waitresses...Copy !req
423. I went in to apply, and he looked me
up and down, and he rejected me.Copy !req
424. Paul, come here for a second.
I want you to listen to this.Copy !req
425. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
426. The woman here claims there's
a restaurant on the West Side...Copy !req
427. that's only hiring
large-breasted women.Copy !req
428. Really?Copy !req
429. - What do you mean, made-up?
- It's made-up.Copy !req
430. Häagen-Dazs is made-up.
It's not Danish.Copy !req
431. - You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
432. George, is Häagen-Dazs Danish?Copy !req
433. - What do you mean, Danish?
- This guy stinks.Copy !req
434. Danish. Is it from Denmark?Copy !req
435. They make it in New Jersey.
It's just a Danish-sounding name.Copy !req
436. I can't believe that.
They fooled me, Jerry.Copy !req
437. Boy, talk about a show
about nothing.Copy !req
438. Excuse me.Copy !req
439. Excuse me.Copy !req
440. This- This is not right.Copy !req
441. May I?Copy !req
442. You see, you're going:Copy !req
443. "They fooled me, Jerry."Copy !req
444. You want to hit "fooled'more.Copy !req
445. "They fooled me, Jerry."Copy !req
446. You see the difference?Copy !req
447. I'm not gonna say it like that.Copy !req
448. Just a suggestion.Copy !req
449. All right, everybody.Copy !req
450. - Take a five.
- Yep, that's five.Copy !req
451. George?Copy !req
452. I don't have much
experience with acting...Copy !req
453. but from what I can gather...Copy !req
454. they're a little touchy about
being told how to say the lines.Copy !req
455. Why is that?Copy !req
456. I don't know,
but they don't seem to like it.Copy !req
457. By the way, how am I doing?Copy !req
458. Oh, you're- You're fine. You're fine.Copy !req
459. So you think this guy playing Kramer
took the raisins?Copy !req
460. Why would he steal a box of raisins?Copy !req
461. Yeah.Copy !req
462. It's bizarre.Copy !req
463. That little bald guy's driving me nuts.Copy !req
464. I'm gonna rip him a new one
if he doesn't leave me alone.Copy !req
465. I wish that was our real problem.Copy !req
466. What is the real problem?Copy !req
467. It's Seinfeld.Copy !req
468. He can't act. It's pathetic.Copy !req
469. I told you these stand-ups can't act.Copy !req
470. I'm cringing watching him.Copy !req
471. What's with him?Copy !req
472. Russell?Copy !req
473. Russell?Copy !req
474. - What?
- You okay?Copy !req
475. Yeah. No, I- I was just...Copy !req
476. thinking of something.Copy !req
477. I'll be back in a second.Copy !req
478. What's the matter?Copy !req
479. Nothing.Copy !req
480. You're acting weird.
Is anything wrong?Copy !req
481. No.Copy !req
482. Are you breaking up with me?Copy !req
483. Are we going out?Copy !req
484. You're breaking up
with me, aren't you?Copy !req
485. Do you want me to?Copy !req
486. If that's what you want.Copy !req
487. - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Fine, break up with me.Copy !req
488. All right, we're broken up.Copy !req
489. Can we still be friends?Copy !req
490. - Remember when you auditioned?
- Yeah.Copy !req
491. There was a box of raisins
on the coffee table.Copy !req
492. Did you, by any chance,
take them with you when you left?Copy !req
493. What are you talking about?Copy !req
494. Well, we were all eating the raisins.Copy !req
495. And I remember you- You were
eating some of the raisins.Copy !req
496. And then you left...Copy !req
497. and the raisins were gone.Copy !req
498. I was just wondering if, you know...Copy !req
499. maybe you took them with you.Copy !req
500. Are you accusing me
of stealing the raisins?Copy !req
501. - Oh, no, no-
- Why would I steal a box of raisins?Copy !req
502. No, you wouldn't.
Nobody would, you know.Copy !req
503. It's just that...Copy !req
504. they were missing, and...Copy !req
505. well, I'm just inquiring.Copy !req
506. Let me give you a
word of advice, okay?Copy !req
507. Stay away from me.
I don't wanna talk to you.Copy !req
508. And I don't wanna hear any more of
your stupid notes and suggestions.Copy !req
509. I don't like you.Copy !req
510. So if you got any other problems,
whether it's raisins, prunes...Copy !req
511. figs or any other dried fruit...Copy !req
512. just keep it to yourself and stay out
of my way, okay?Copy !req
513. All right.Copy !req
514. I don't think we're gonna have any
problem with that.Copy !req
515. Good talking to you, Tom. Really.Copy !req
516. Elaine? Elaine?Copy !req
517. What do you want?
What can I do?Copy !req
518. Is-? Is it...?Copy !req
519. Is it my job? Is that what it is?Copy !req
520. Elaine, I can't go on like this.Copy !req
521. Look, will-? Will-? Will you call me?Copy !req
522. Would you call me?Copy !req
523. Well, why? I-
All right, you want-? May I call you?Copy !req
524. Elaine? Elaine?Copy !req
525. Excuse me, Mr. Dalrymple...Copy !req
526. - ... I am so sorry.
- All right, what's your name?Copy !req
527. - David Richardson.
- Get out, you're fired.Copy !req
528. - But, Mr. Dalrymple-
- Don't talk back to me!Copy !req
529. I said, get out.
You want me to call the cops?Copy !req
530. I make and break little worms
like you every day.Copy !req
531. Do you know how much
money I make? Any idea?Copy !req
532. Do you know where I live?Copy !req
533. I could have any woman in this city
that I want. Anyone.Copy !req
534. Now, get out!Copy !req
535. What are you all looking at?Copy !req
536. Go back to work.Copy !req
537. Back!Copy !req
538. Back!Copy !req
539. Doctor called and said I'm not gonna
get the results for another two days.Copy !req
540. Oh, you're fine.
There's nothing wrong.Copy !req
541. I'm the one who's dying.Copy !req
542. - What do you mean?
- I can't act.Copy !req
543. I stink. I don't know what I'm doing.Copy !req
544. I'm gonna make a fool out of myself.Copy !req
545. Come on, you're...Copy !req
546. You're fine.Copy !req
547. This show's gonna ruin my career.Copy !req
548. - How did I get involved?
- What about me?Copy !req
549. I was a total failure.
Everything was fine.Copy !req
550. Now this thing's gonna be a success,
and God gives me a terminal disease.Copy !req
551. This actress playing Elaine,
she's crazy.Copy !req
552. The guy playing Kramer
threatened me.Copy !req
553. - Why?
- I asked him about the raisins.Copy !req
554. You mentioned the raisins.Copy !req
555. - Oh, yeah.
- Did he take them?Copy !req
556. I don't know.Copy !req
557. Well, if he didn't take them...Copy !req
558. what happened to them?Copy !req
559. That's what I'm trying to find out.Copy !req
560. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
561. - Any luck?
- No. No, nothing.Copy !req
562. I got no peristalsis.Copy !req
563. - Well, what about bran?
- I tried bran.Copy !req
564. Forty percent, 50 percent,
100 percent.Copy !req
565. The bran isn't working for me.Copy !req
566. - Well, what about Meta-?
- Did it.Copy !req
567. - How about Ex-?
- Yeah, had it.Copy !req
568. - Milk of Magne-?
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
569. Well, my friend...Copy !req
570. it may be time to consider
the dreaded apparatus.Copy !req
571. Hold it right there.Copy !req
572. If you're suggesting what I think,
you're wasting your time.Copy !req
573. I am not, Jerry, under any
circumstances, doing any...Copy !req
574. inserting in that area.Copy !req
575. Oh, it's not that bad.Copy !req
576. Yes, it is.Copy !req
577. Well...Copy !req
578. it's all taken care of. I filed a report.
An investigation is under way.Copy !req
579. So you going to the taping?Copy !req
580. No, I don't think I should go.
I don't want to bump into Russell.Copy !req
581. He called me the other day.Copy !req
582. Come on, you gotta go. He's harmless.
He's got a little crush on you.Copy !req
583. Jerry, this is not a crush.
This is a complete fixation.Copy !req
584. He makes me very uncomfortable.Copy !req
585. We need you there.Copy !req
586. - Hey, are you gonna go?
- No, no, I- I'm gonna stay home. I...Copy !req
587. I wanna be close to my home base, in
case there's any news from the front.Copy !req
588. No. Pick it up more in the front.
It's gotta be higher. Higher.Copy !req
589. Make a wall. A wall.Copy !req
590. Sandi, are you in wardrobe?Copy !req
591. - Sandi?
- Try "Elaine."Copy !req
592. - Elaine?
- Yes?Copy !req
593. Elaine?Copy !req
594. It's me.Copy !req
595. Wilton Marshall. Remember?Copy !req
596. Camp Tioga, 1978?Copy !req
597. - Remember?
- Right.Copy !req
598. You know, you haven't changed a bit.Copy !req
599. - I can't remember my lines.
- Just relax, you'll be fine.Copy !req
600. I can't relax. I don't-
I don't know any of them.Copy !req
601. You're just like George.
He'd do the same thing.Copy !req
602. - You're just like him. It's amazing.
- Help me.Copy !req
603. George is always saying that.Copy !req
604. You don't have to worry anyway.
It's not live.Copy !req
605. It's not on till next week.
Have a good show.Copy !req
606. What's my first line?
Just tell me my first line.Copy !req
607. - "New sneakers."
- "New sneakers."Right, that's it.Copy !req
608. Where's Russell?Copy !req
609. You know, I don't know.
I assumed he wouldn't miss it.Copy !req
610. He hasn't been well.Copy !req
611. Can I tell you something
in confidence?Copy !req
612. I think it's a woman.Copy !req
613. How pathetic.Copy !req
614. Yeah, this is George Costanza.
I'm- I'm calling for my test results.Copy !req
615. Negative?Copy !req
616. Oh, my God!Copy !req
617. Why? Why? Why?Copy !req
618. What?Copy !req
619. Negative's good?Copy !req
620. Yes, of course.
How stupid of me.Copy !req
621. Thank you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
622. What was I worried about?Copy !req
623. Listen.Copy !req
624. I know we've had our
problems in the past...Copy !req
625. but we got a show to do tonight.
Time to pull together as a team.Copy !req
626. Life's too short.Copy !req
627. I say, let's let bygones be bygones.Copy !req
628. If you took the raisins,
if you didn't take the raisins...Copy !req
629. They weren't even my raisins.Copy !req
630. I- I was just curious because...Copy !req
631. seems like a strange
thing to do...Copy !req
632. to walk into a room, audition
and walk out with a box of raisins.Copy !req
633. Anyway, whatever.Copy !req
634. If you ever want to tell me about it,
the door to my office is always open.Copy !req
635. In the event that I get an office.Copy !req
636. You'll come in. We'll talk about the
raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.Copy !req
637. How would you like it if I just...Copy !req
638. pulled your heart out of your chest
now and shoved it down your throat?Copy !req
639. Good evening. Welcome to a taping
of the new show Jerry.Copy !req
640. Does everybody know what a pilot is?Copy !req
641. - Yeah, he flies a plane.
- No, a pilot is the taping of a show...Copy !req
642. that's the first show
before a TV series.Copy !req
643. And this show will air on Thursday.Copy !req
644. Are you ready to meet our cast?
All right.Copy !req
645. Good evening, folks.
How you doing?Copy !req
646. You sound like a great crowd.Copy !req
647. We have a show we're gonna put on
for you tonight.Copy !req
648. It's a- It's a new TV show.
It's what they call a pilot.Copy !req
649. And we hope it becomes a series.
It's called Jerry. I'm playing Jerry-Copy !req
650. Sic semper tyrannis!Copy !req
651. What about Davola?
Did you believe that?Copy !req
652. What was that thing he yelled out,
sic semper tyrannis? Is that Latin?Copy !req
653. John Wilkes Booth yelled it
when he shot Lincoln.Copy !req
654. - Really? What's it mean?
- It means "death to tyrants."Copy !req
655. I could see that.Copy !req
656. See, now, this is exciting!
This is exciting!Copy !req
657. - Did I miss anything already?
- No, it starts in five minutes.Copy !req
658. You were there.
What's the big deal?Copy !req
659. Now it's on TV. It's different.Copy !req
660. - I told everybody I know to watch it.
- Yeah, me too.Copy !req
661. - Did you hear from Russell?
- No.Copy !req
662. Strange, him not showing up
at the taping.Copy !req
663. Well, well.Copy !req
664. - Congratulations.
- Well, thank you.Copy !req
665. - You went for the big E, huh?
- Wet and wild.Copy !req
666. - Kramer, sit down. It's about to start.
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
667. Hey, what is this?Copy !req
668. Look, a wallet.Copy !req
669. - A wallet? Let me see that.
- Here.Copy !req
670. It's my father's wallet. He thought
they stole it at the doctor's office.Copy !req
671. - This is it.
- How do you like that?Copy !req
672. You hurt me.Copy !req
673. - Hey.
- Hey, George.Copy !req
674. - New sneakers?
- Yeah.Copy !req
675. - What do you need new sneakers for?
- I like sneakers.Copy !req
676. How do you decide which ones to
wear? I'd go crazy if I had to decide.Copy !req
677. You're crazy anyway.Copy !req
678. Why did you eat the top
off the muffins?Copy !req
679. - So what?
- I can't eat it now.Copy !req
680. - George.
- George.Copy !req
681. What kind of stupid show is this?Copy !req
682. Hey, that's that idiot that took
all my records.Copy !req
683. John, what are you doing?
Come back to bed.Copy !req
684. This show looks interesting.Copy !req
685. Isn't he that Seinfeld fella you
went out with?Copy !req
686. Oh, he's horrible. Horrible.Copy !req
687. Nevertheless.Copy !req
688. That Jerry's a funny guy, huh?Copy !req
689. Got to love the "Sein."Copy !req
690. I hate the "Sein."Copy !req
691. This is a piece of crap.Copy !req
692. Oh, Donald, you used to like him.Copy !req
693. What a sellout.Copy !req
694. Give me that remote. Give me that.Copy !req
695. - Give me the remote.
- Donald.Copy !req
696. - Jerry, the commercial's almost over.
- All right.Copy !req
697. You know, I really like this guy
playing the butler.Copy !req
698. Yeah, he's good.
He's John Ritter's cousin.Copy !req
699. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
700. - Hello, Charles.
- Hello.Copy !req
701. So where do you want me
to start today?Copy !req
702. - Why don't you start in the bedroom.
- I'll start in your bedroom.Copy !req
703. - Hey.
- Hey. The butler's here.Copy !req
704. He is? Listen.Copy !req
705. When he's finished,
send him over to my house.Copy !req
706. - I'm not sending him to your house.
- Why not?Copy !req
707. The judge decreed he'd become
my butler, not my friend's butler.Copy !req
708. Jerry, he is your butler. You can give
him any order you want.Copy !req
709. - That's what butlers do.
- But I don't want to.Copy !req
710. Jerry, my house is
a pigsty. Come on.Copy !req
711. - Yeah?
- It's Elaine.Copy !req
712. Come on up.Copy !req
713. - I need more Pledge.
- More Pledge?Copy !req
714. I just bought two cans last week,
and I don't have any wood here.Copy !req
715. Well, it goes fast.Copy !req
716. Hello.Copy !req
717. Hello.Copy !req
718. What's all this about?Copy !req
719. - We had a date last week.
- You had a date?Copy !req
720. You went out with my butler? Who
said you could go out with my butler?Copy !req
721. - Why do I need your permission?
- Because he's my butler.Copy !req
722. That's terrific.Copy !req
723. How could anyone not like him?Copy !req
724. I like his style.Copy !req
725. He has a sort of casual elegance.Copy !req
726. But he picks his nose.Copy !req
727. Nevertheless.Copy !req
728. He's a member of our
health club, isn't he?Copy !req
729. Yeah.Copy !req
730. You know, that Kim Novak
had some big breasts.Copy !req
731. You ever notice a lot of butlers
are named Jeeves?Copy !req
732. You know, I think when you-
When you name a baby Jeeves...Copy !req
733. you've pretty much mapped out
his future, wouldn't you say?Copy !req
734. Not much chance he's gonna be
a hit man, I think, after that.Copy !req
735. "I'm terribly sorry, sir,
but I'm going to have to whack you."Copy !req
736. Yeah.Copy !req
737. Oh, wow, that was great.Copy !req
738. That show was so funny.Copy !req
739. It was really funny. I'm not just
saying that because I know you.Copy !req
740. All right. Well, let's go out
and celebrate.Copy !req
741. - That was so good.
- Come on, let's eat something.Copy !req
742. I think this will get picked up, George.
You're gonna be rich!Copy !req
743. - You really think so?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
744. And God didn't kill me.Copy !req
745. - Hello?
- Hi, Jerry.Copy !req
746. - This is Rita Kirson.
- Oh, hi, Rita.Copy !req
747. I'm caling to let you know...Copy !req
748. Russell Dalrymple is
no longer with this network.Copy !req
749. Oh, my God. Did he get fired?Copy !req
750. To be honest with you,
nobody realy knows.Copy !req
751. He seems to have disappeared.Copy !req
752. Russell's disappeared?Copy !req
753. In any event, I've been made
the new president of NBC.Copy !req
754. As you may or may not know...Copy !req
755. Russell and I did not see eye to eye
on many, many projects.Copy !req
756. And as my first order of business,
I'm passing on your show.Copy !req
757. You're passing already?
The show just ended two minutes ago.Copy !req
758. Well, I just got the job.Copy !req
759. Goodbye, Jerry.Copy !req
760. Yeah. See you.Copy !req
761. What are you-?
What are you looking at me for?Copy !req
762. - It was you.
- What-? What did I do?Copy !req
763. Do you realize his obsession with you
cost us a TV series?Copy !req
764. I didn't know that he'd fall for me,
and I'd drive him insane, I mean-Copy !req
765. - You know, that's not my fault.
- Yes, it is!Copy !req
766. You're very charming!Copy !req
767. I can't believe this.Copy !req
768. What happened to him?
Where is he?Copy !req
769. No one knows.Copy !req
770. She works for Pendant Publishing.Copy !req
771. She's the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.Copy !req
772. You know...Copy !req
773. I used to work for NBC,
but when I go back to her this time...Copy !req
774. she'll respect me.Copy !req
775. You'd better get down.
They might start firing soon.Copy !req
776. Hey, look at this.Copy !req
777. What is going on here?Copy !req
778. Well, well.Copy !req
779. Nothing has changed.Copy !req
780. How did this happen?Copy !req
781. I talked to these guys at the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission.Copy !req
782. Hey. What are you two guys
doing here?Copy !req
783. I thought you were gonna do
something. Now you're eating here?Copy !req
784. No, that's- That's- That's why
we're here. We're checking things out.Copy !req
785. - We're checking it out.
- Checking it out?Copy !req
786. See you back at the office, guys.Copy !req
787. Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner?Copy !req
788. Boy, you guys ought to move in.Copy !req
789. How about a piece of pie, on me, huh?Copy !req
790. Sophia, take care of these fellows.Copy !req
791. Hey, come here.
I want you to know something.Copy !req
792. You are not gonna get
away with this.Copy !req
793. - Get away with what?
- "With what?"You know what.Copy !req
794. With the waitresses,
how they're all alike.Copy !req
795. Of course they're alike.Copy !req
796. They are my daughters.Copy !req
797. Your daughters.Copy !req
798. You must be very proud, Mr. Barzakian.Copy !req
799. And may I say, sir, they're lovely girls.
Absolutely lovely girls.Copy !req
800. It's nice to see such fine,
upstanding women...Copy !req
801. - ... in gainful employment, Mr. Barzakian.
- Here's table for you.Copy !req
802. - Oh, a table right here.
- Peggy.Copy !req
803. Peggy. All right.Copy !req
804. - Peggy?
- Peggy. His daughter Peggy.Copy !req
805. Peggy's coming over to serve.Copy !req
806. One of the family.Copy !req
807. - My daughter Peggy.
- Peggy.Copy !req
808. - Good to see you.
- Hi, Peggy.Copy !req
809. Thank you very much.Copy !req
810. - So guess what I gotta do tomorrow.
- What?Copy !req
811. Start looking for a job.Copy !req
812. You know what you ought to do?Copy !req
813. You should work for Greenpeace.Copy !req
814. You know, they attack the whalers
out on the open sea.Copy !req
815. Are you crazy?Copy !req
816. You take your life in your hands
with those nuts.Copy !req
817. Keep fighting it, matey.
Get your head above the water.Copy !req
818. I've got you, matey.Copy !req
819. I got you. Matey.Copy !req
820. I'll remember her name.Copy !req
821. Elaine Benes.Copy !req
822. I'll write to her.Copy !req
823. I'll tell her all about you
and what you did out here.Copy !req
824. Goodbye, matey.Copy !req
825. Goodbye.Copy !req
826. Now, I know women often complain
about the number of things...Copy !req
827. you have to do to get male attention.Copy !req
828. The high heels, the pantyhose,
the makeup.Copy !req
829. It's even worse if you're a man.Copy !req
830. If you're a man,
you don't know what to do.Copy !req
831. That's why we're building bridges,
climbing mountains...Copy !req
832. exploring uncharted territories.
You think we wanna do these things?Copy !req
833. Nobody wants to build a bridge.Copy !req
834. It's really, really hard.Copy !req
835. Designing rockets,
flying off into space.Copy !req
836. I guarantee you, every astronaut,
when he comes back from space...Copy !req
837. goes up to a girl and goes,
"So did you see me up there?"Copy !req